TWO GAY GUYS SEEKING EMPLOYMENT

Hello Project,

I just read the post with the story of the guy who worked at the hotel in South Tyrol, it’s truly a beautiful story. Maybe my story is very simple but I think it’s worth telling.

I’m 26, until recently I lived in an area that has severe problems due mainly to the fact that there is no work. I worked as baker since I was 16. Until a few years ago, I lived well. Certainly I was not rich, but I was missing anything and also helped financially my family. Then the bakery where I was working closed and I found myself completely out of work at 24 and then I started going to the employment offices, posting  my curriculum every day, going for an interview more or less every week and so on. The best work I got was as a substitute for someone who was sick, but the longer working period last year was of 21 days, with breaks even two months long. In practice I came back to be completely supported financially by my parents, who do what they can but do not sail in gold. Attending various agencies searching for work I also found many young people who were worse off than me, guys who worked in a year no more than a couple of months and some also had family to support.

The story I want to tell begins in an employment agency. One morning I arrive at opening time to get the numbers for the row. In front of me and there’s a guy who seems amiable and I think is also a nice guy. We were the only ones there and he asks me for information on how the office works. It is evident that it is the first time he goes into an agency for employment. We get into the office and get the numbers, we sit down and wait. And inevitably we start to talk. He tells me he is 22 and has worked only for few days, always small jobs “in black” [undeclared work]. He does not even know who his father is, his mother told him that he did not want to acknowledge him as his son, that she had no money for lawyers, and so it’s over, but maybe it’s even better. The mother is disabled and lives with a minimum pension and they are really in bad economic condition. He asks me if I’m married and I say no. He tells me that he really desperately needs to find a job and as he says so he is deeply troubled, almost ready to cry, I try to comfort him a bit but he’s very upset and depressed. He goes for the interview before me, then went I. When I finished I see that he was still there waiting for me. We go out together, it’s about 10 in the morning. I should go to take the train to get back home, but I see that he always follows me. I ask if he should go home. He tells me that he does not want to go. We take a long way together and we go to the beach, sit on the sand and start talking but he begins to cry and I do not know what to do, he’s hopeless. I try to understand why he reacts this way, after all I’m also out of work but I do not feel the anguish that way. I do not understand why he follows me, basically we just had a chat at employment agency. We try to talk, I try to understand but the silence is louder than words on both sides. At about one o’clock I say that I have to come home and I have to go to catch the train, he asks if he could come with me. With this expression, apparently so simple, he puts me in trouble. He is a nice guy but behaves in a strange way that alarms me. I met many guys but never one who behaves like him. I feel embarrassment. I think I’ve not figured out exactly what he wants from me. I told him that I would tell him to come with me but then I do not know what to say to my parents, and he said: “Do not go now, give me half an hour, only half an hour.” I tell him it’s okay, we sit on a bench on the station square and he begins to tell me his story. I’ll call him Christian. He starts by telling me basically that he is gay, I do not expect such a thing but it seems absurd to me to tell such things someone you know a few hours, however, I do not comment. Then I realize that this was only the introduction. He continues by saying that in his village there is a place where guys go to prostitute themselves and that he had never gone there, but he needed money and then he went there twice, the first time he made a little money but the second time he had been beaten and stolen. He pulled up his T-shirt and was covered with bruises, because he had been kicked while he was on the ground. Now he was afraid to come back to the village because those who had beaten him are dangerous people. It seemed rather unlikely, and I could hardly believe it, but the bruises were very evident and he really had been savagely beaten, there was no doubt. When he stops speaking he’s very anxious and does not know what to expect from me. I said, “Let’s go for the ticket” On the train I saw him in terrible embarrassment, then I made a risky step and said: “If we don’t help each other …” He understood immediately and I saw a flash in his eyes. In the meantime I was thinking about what I could tell my parents who did not even know that I was gay. I had, however, to find a rapid solution. We come to my house , I tell Christian to wait because I have to talk to my parents (my mom does not work and dad is retired). They’re in the kitchen watching television. I said, “Do you love me?” They said, “Sure!” and I said, “So now you have to prove it to me!” Dad turned off the TV and said, “What happened?” I said, “There are two things you have to know, I start with the easiest: I’m gay …” Mom was about to speak but dad made a sign with his hand, as if to say: Let’s go ahead and see what’s the second thing . And I told the story of Christian and as I we knew each other. Mom wanted to warn me but dad said: “But now where is this guy?” I said he was in the street and dad said, “Do it up!” I went down, Christian was expecting a negative response but I made a sign to go up. I can say that I have two wonderful parents. Dad tried to figure out exactly what was going on while mom set the table. The story of Christian was very precise and dad was convinced and believed him. Christian showed my father his bruises and it was evident that they had really beaten him up badly. When Christian was about to cry my father rebuked him in a somewhat rough and Christian calmed down. We have been talking all afternoon. As evening came Christian began to be afraid to go back to his house. Then dad understood and told him: “Do you want to stay here tonight?” Christian said, “Maybe!” Dad added: “Where there are three people there may well be four. But you have to call your mother.” He said he had a phone and could call, but credit had finished, he called with my cell phone and told her mother he would not be back for the night, the mother was upset but then he managed to calm her down. My story with Christian began this way.

I feel deep gratitude to my parents, because what they did for me and Christian goes beyond the imaginable. I felt strongly supported, especially by my father, I felt his unconditional respect and affection and Christian was fascinated by my father. He did not have a father and to see how  my father behaved made him a very strong effect. My father the next day accompanied Christian in town to do the HIV test and Christian presented him as his father. The test result was negative and on the other hand Christian had always used a condom, however, then he redid the test and it was negative as well. Christian begun to live practically at home with me. After about six months we were told that a food company in Emilia was searching for expert bakers. I got a contract for six months and he got one for training, then things went better and we continued to work there, in the province of Modena, we rented a room near the factory, and we always talked with my parents via msn and Christian used to send a text message to her mother every day. Then on May 20 of this year, it was a Sunday and we did the night shift to prepare supplies to bakeries that had to leave at about 5:00. At 4:00 o’clock comes all hell broke loose, the earth trembles beneath our feet, all the building  is creaking and pieces of the ceiling are  falling down. We run all out. Luckily the two of us were near each other. The panic was terrible, at least until we could not go outside. We were terrified that all the building could collapse on our heads. The building had held but did not seem in good conditions. A few hours later came the civil defense and put the seals because Fire Department had to check everything. One of the buildings was declared fit for use. With the help of firefighters the machinery has been transferred to an accessible area and eight days after we resumed production. It all seemed over, but on May 29, about one o’clock, in the afternoon, there was another violent shock of an earthquake. Christian was not with me but in a different department, I ran out to look for him, I think I had never been so terrified, I saw a cloud of dust rising from the building masonry that had been damaged from the first shock, then I saw Christian running towards the building that had collapsed. Fortunately, the building was the one already damaged and no one was there. We hugged each other tight: we were both alive! For a moment I thought that if Christian dead I’d be dead, too. Then we had to wait again for civil defense and firefighters. The building where the machinery had been set has been declared fit for use and we resumed production. In our factory we are twenty workers and we all worked from morning to night to restart production. The owners, a family of Modena, thought they could close the factory because practically about a half of the buildings had collapsed, but the people of Emilia is really great and we performed miracles. The factory didn’t close and now we are going almost at full capacity. Throughout the period of the earthquake our parents were very worried because, in the worst moments, there was not even the opportunity to call because everything was monopolized by the civil defense. After the second quake collapsed also the house where I and Christian had a room and we lost everything we had with the exception of the money that we brought with us always, we have also lost the computer to keep in touch with parents, the company gave us a tent and we put it up in the inner square of the factory. At the time of the earthquake I realized how much strong and altruist Christian was. When we finished working we went to the kitchen tent of civil defense cooking until the evening. The company has not fired anyone. We have been satisfied all of the minimum wage, but we continued to work all of us without exception. Project, in the evening, when Christian hugged me tight it looked so good to be alive, so nice to be able to hug strongly, even if in a tent and in a country after an earthquake. Now we are still in that company and I think we will stay there because after the earthquake we became like a family. We helped each other to cope with difficulties and it was a beautiful thing. Project I’m happy! I feel like a complete man and I know I have beside me a man who sees the world as I see it, an honest man, loyal, selfless, who deserves happiness. I’m incredibly lucky, Christian has really changed my life!

_______

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-two-gay-guys-seeking-employment

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LESSON OF GAY LOVE

Hello Project, maybe you do not remember me because four years have passed since we first met. You’ve been a great help. Today, surfing the web I happened in front of Gay Project forum. It has become huge and I see that you write so much there. At that time I was still struggling with the college, now I’m done and I am looking for a job that could allow me to live in dignity and could also leave me a little free time. But I’m looking for work in a single region if Italy, in South Tyrol, and if you read the following you will understand why. When we first met I was very depressed, I thought I would never find love and instead it is just what has happened and I want to tell you, just as a contribution to the forum, because things have gone in a completely unpredictable.

It was early December 2008, after talking to Project I was a bit calmed down, I decided to put aside the search for a guy and to devote myself entirely to the study. For a while, it works, then I start to think back to guys. There is one of my classmates (let’s call Mark) that I like, I begin to court him, first covertly and then more and more visibly, hoping to receive from him clear signals. The signals are weak but not negative, he is almost never with girls and basically just thinks about studying with a group of friends. I pluck up courage and propose to go together in the mountains for a weekend. He says yes right away. We decided to leave Friday, December 19, the first day of the Christmas holidays, and to get back on Monday 22 in the evening and we immediately set reservations in a beautiful place in South Tyrol where Mark had already been, there are only double rooms , it’s okay for him and even more for me. We are told that the room will be available but not in the morning, just  about 22. Because we have to get in South Tyrol from Rome, starting in the afternoon, for us the room from 22 on was right. I was amazed at the fact that Mark did not have any hesitation and my brain started to work intensively building and demolishing scenarios and assumptions of all kinds. I literally made the countdown until December 19.

Friday, December 19

On the 19th, at 14.00, departure from Rome by car. The journey is long and we alternate driving, I’m careful to what he says to see if the argument “girls” appears or not, but it does not appear, he tells me about his dreams for after graduation, that he wants to study for his doctorate, that he had planned to go to England or United States, tells me about his family, a family of economic status rather than wealthy, his sister who now lives in the United States with her husband and many other things, but does not talk absolutely about girls. We stop to eat something a roadhouse along the highway, I realize immediately that in front of us there is a very nice guy, Mark does not even notice him, near the guy there is a girl also very nice, but he does not look even the girl, then drawn game! We resume our journey  the highway is quite free. Joking about teachers (never on issues of sex) and about our colleagues, including various  tittle-tattles we arrive at our destination well in advance just before nine o’clock. We park, unload your luggage and bring it in the hall, but we are told that the room is not yet ready but we will be informed as soon as possible to climb. We sit in the lobby next to the suitcases and a waiter brings us a drink to make the wait more comfortable. Shortly before 22 comes a guy in the uniform of the hotel, he was about  21 or 22, more or less our age, the guy grabs the suitcases and accompanies us in the elevator, I’m embarrassed, I do not know how to behave, I do not know if I have to tip him and how much I have to give but it seems to me something inappropriate. The guy of the hotel in the elevator is absolutely professional. Opens the door to the room puts inside the bags and starts to leave, Mark puts in his hand 10 euro, but the guy doesn’t take them and tells him that at work he is not allowed to take tips. My friend just says, “Okay,” I add, “Thank you!” And look at the guy straight in the eyes, he replies, “Please, my duty!” And smiles at me. I feel deeply troubled. Suddenly I don’t care of Mark anymore because now I’m thinking only about  the guy of the hotel. I have a very clear impression that the exchange of glances and that smile could say infinitely more than the chatting of hours that I had in the car with Mark. I have to find a way to meet that guy again. Mark is tired and wants to go to bed, I go in the lobby with the hope of finding that guy and I find him actually, I greet him again, but he is working and simply replies with a nod but he notes that I’m there. I stay in the lobby as if paralyzed, I do not know what to do, how to go beyond, if I have to or not. A few minutes after midnight, I’m still there and I see him going out with a big coat on. I also go out in the garden, it’s freezing cold and I’m just in a jacket. I cry from afar, “You need a ride?” He replies: “Maybe! It’s terribly cold, but you go to put on something heavy.” I run in my room and then back in the garden as soon as possible. We get in the car, I tell him: “Can we call each other using  the “you?” [In Italian, talking to a persona who we know and are familiar with, we use to talk in the second person singular, like in English, we say:  giving the “you”. Speaking in a formal way with unknown persons, regardless of the sex of the interlocutor, we use the third person feminine, we say: giving the “she”. For example, informally (giving the you) we say “Where are you going to go?”, formally (giving the she) we say: “Where is she going to go” (also addressing a man), but the meaning  is exactly like “Where are you going to go?”. To move from “she” to “you” means “we are friends, no need of formal language!”] He replied: “Here, certainly, but at the hotel I’d like rather not.” I tell him that I understand, then he teaches me the way, by car it takes 10 minutes, he tells me that normally he goes on foot, but by car it takes very little time. Before letting him go I tell him that my name is Andrea and I’d like to have his cell phone number, he tells me his name is Luke or better Lukas, because his family is a family that comes from Tyrol. He writes his number on a piece of paper, then writes mine on another piece of paper and puts it in his pocket. We greet each other with a strong handshake. I go back to the hotel. Mark wakes up soon, I go to bed but I keep thinking about Lukas all night.

Saturday, December 20

Mark wakes up next morning at six, I would not get up for any reason, but the package we bought included a bus tour in the morning, I sat on the bus and I have been half asleep for the whole morning. The bus was not full and Mark went to sit next to a girl on holiday coming from Milan, I even if half asleep saw them but I did not care at all. Mark, for me, now, was just a problem. At one point my cell phone rings, Lukas is telling me that the night before I was very polite and he would like to chat with me, I reply: “Tell me when you’re free and I’ll get rid too.” He says: “Today I again have to work until midnight, but tomorrow morning I’m free.” We agree that I would pass under his house in the morning at 7.00. I feel totally in orbit. The tour ends and we come back to the hotel. After lunch, Mark goes for a walk with his beautiful girl and I rest me in the hotel to sleep, I go for dinner only, and rather late, then I start sitting on a chair in the lobby but this time I have a fur-lined coat with me. Lukas sees me, he nods a greeting with his hand, then back to work, at twelve ten a.m. I follow him out in the garden, we  get in the car, the embarrassment is strong, when he is going to come out, while shaking hands, he says: “I think tomorrow will be a beautiful day! “And here I make a terrible blunder and say: “I heard the weather report and it should be fine.” He smiles at me and says: “But I wanted to say that I’m glad to get out with you tomorrow.” I turn red as a tomato and only say: “I too, Lukas!” Back in Hotel, Mark awaits me awake, tells me that the next day he needs the car but there is no problem because I have another bus tour reserved. I tell him that I will not go to the excursion and that I too need the car and then he tells me about the girl and reminds me a little detail: the car is his car. I send a depressed text message to Lukas to explain how things are, he says: “At 7:00 in front of the big church, do not worry it will be a great day all the same.”

Sunday, December 21

Wake up at 6:30, at seven o’clock in front of the church, Lukas is already there, we great without shaking hands, I ask how he intends to organize the day. He tells me that the weather is good and we can take a bus to go to a very good place with lots of nice meadows and green forests. He shows the tickets he has already got. The journey is short, no more than 20 minutes. There is a roadhouse, a large lawn and beautiful mountains all around. He says he knows a quiet place where tourists do not usually go, we get there on foot in about twenty minutes. It’s a place of nature absolutely pristine, where the sun beats directly, and in these places, during the winter it’s a rare thing, it’s cold, but a tolerable cold. He asks me if I was sad to leave my friend and I tell him I wasn’t at all. We begin to talk about the nature, the meaning of life, the happiness and many other things, he tells me that he left school in tenth grade because he had to work, but when he speaks, he chooses his words carefully and I feel like in front of an oracle, he tells me that he reads a lot both in Italian and in German, says he has learned a little English for work but speaks English fluently so much better than me. I’m really in a little paradise, then Lukas looks straight into my eyes and I feel happy. He explains many things about herbs and trees. He tells me that a 10-minute walk from where we were there is a pond. We go see it, I’m going to slip and fall but he holds me strongly and tells me that if you are in the mountains in two you have not to worry, and I reply. “Not only in the mountains!” And he smiles at me. At about one o’clock we go back to the lawn near the roadhouse to eat, I say we could get something to eat, and he says he cannot afford it, I, foolishly,  say that it is no problem, but he says that if I want to go to the roadhouse to eat I can go but he will wait for me outside. I realize I have offended him and I feel uncomfortable, he says: “Come on, nothing happened! If you want, I brought sandwiches as well for you. “We remain on the lawn eating sandwiches. I feel embarrassed, but he takes off mi snow hat and beats me a pat on the head and then smiles at me and says, “But you’re still thinking about?” He told me about his childhood, about his father who died when he was a young boy and also showed me the picture, I felt proud just being near him. He was able to calm me down and to fascinate me with his words. At three o’clock we took the bus because the cold was beginning to become very strong; at three and a half we were in the village. He explained that he would start working at 18.00 at the hotel and would end up at 6.00 in the morning, then said: “Starting at two onwards there is no one around, and if you like we can talk a little.” We agree that we would met at two in the night in the lobby. I go Back to the hotel, Mark gets back in the late afternoon with the girl, we only say hello, then he goes away again. I go to sleep and put the alarm clock at half past one. I’m always thinking about Lukas. I finally fall asleep.

Monday, December 22

At about half past one I’m already awake, shut the alarm without letting it sound and get up, Mark looks at me bewildered, I say I go down the hall, he turns away. At two o’clock Lukas arrives, makes me see that behind the reception there is a kind of little room with a cot for those who work the night shift, he says that the door is closed and can be opened with the button, then we go to sit in the lobby, the room is very large and there is a low background music. We talk a lot but nothing about sex. At one point I pluck up courage and put my hand on his, but he withdraws his hand, I feel a blow to the heart, then he looks at me and says, “You are leaving at 14.00 today and I’ll stay here. It makes no sense.” I say,” What if I do not leave?” he replies that I would not even have a room at the hotel because it is the Christmas week. I feel very uncomfortable, he tells me he is very sorry because he has never been so well. We continue our conversation without ever talking about homosexuality because there is no need. Only around 5.00 am when the time begins to dwindle we start to talk more explicitly. I ask him: “Have you ever had a boyfriend?” He answers: “No, it’s my first time.” I would hug him, but I know that he wouldn’t  like, I star to give him promises, but he stops me immediately, ” No! No promises, we have to realize that it ends here, then what will be will be.” He adds: “If you want, wait in the car, because the change is coming, and then take me home.” I nodded and went in the car to wait . I did not want to leave, I wanted to stay with Lukas lifelong, he was the guy I always wanted to have beside me, but I knew that I had to leave. While riding him home, he tells me that we have to say goodbye because he had to work the evening shift. I do not know what to do, then he shakes my hand very strongly and says, “I love you” I drop two tears, he sees them and says, “I hope to see you again! Goodbye!” He gets home and I go back to the hotel. Last tour with Mark and this time I sleep on the bus, then we left for Rome. Mark drove all the way because I was always half asleep.

Since then I have come back to that hotel exactly 20 times. I tried to save the most and every time I ran away from him. My parents thought I had a girlfriend and created no complications but I lived only for Lukas. It’s not a guy like the others, when he talks to me, words are deep and true. I think Lukas has taught me many things and today I feel happy because we are in love. Now I have finished my studies, I had job offers near Rome, but I want to go to South Tyrol and want to be with Lukas lifelong. Now our story has lasted almost four years and I think that has become solid. I never thought that my life would take this direction but I feel that my life is whit Lukas! Lukas I love you!

_______

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-lesson-of-gay-love

MISUNDERSTANDINGS AMONG GAY GUYS AND CHRISTIAN PARENTS

Hello Project,

I read so many of those things you’ve posted that sending you an e-mail seems natural to me as writing an email to a friend, and maybe even more.

I am a 22 y. o. guy, who grew up in a very religious environment but religious in a very special way, I want to say that my parent apparently have never been prudish, they are believers, as they say themselves, but at the same time have a very specific vision of religion. I always went to church but mostly I attended the environments of the Catholic more active laity and I think even the most advanced. Since I was 14 I went with my parents to lend a hand to organize soup kitchens and services for people in need, both my parents are still volunteering and they do seriously, in the sense that they spend at least two afternoons a week and often more. I, in the past, always thought  that my parents were people as they should be, with them I always had a great relationship, however, in spite of everything, since I did come out with them, about six months ago, things are a little changed. They accepted the fact that I was gay, in the sense that have never created obstacles and I have not been asked too many questions, however, even if they have not done anything to prove it, nevertheless, I realized that something had changed for them. First, every now and then, it happened that there was talk also about sex, but now no longer the case. On TV they follow more or less always the same channels, except when there are programs that touch issues related to sexuality, when it comes to sex they change channel but they do unobtrusively, as if by chance, but it happens systematically. Once, I used to see sometimes mom and dad around the house not completely dressed, mom in his underwear and dad in his slip, but now no longer the case. I believe that they feel embarrassed and do not know what to do. Once they insisted to take me with them when they were volunteering, now they do not even ask me to go with them and then I’m not going to volunteer more. And then there is the Mass, in fact I have been jumping the mass for quite a long time, but they, once, tried to insist, now no longer do so. Once, every now and then, they invited house some of the priests of the parish or voluntary but now no longer do so. For everything else, they have been, even recently, parents formally perfect, they left me free to do what I wanted, they never interfered but the few times I tried to resume the subject of homosexuality, I noticed that they tended to escape and change the subject. Last Sunday I accompanied them to Mass on my own, the priest, incidentally, has just spoken about homosexuality and said some things that were so absurd that I have been there just to see how far it would come. The priest could have been more or less 40, and left me with a look absolutely thrilled because of the things he said in a mild subtle violence hidden by a kind of false pity for gays. Apart from the fact that he said things objectively false, his way of taking everything for granted amazed me. We were at church and I had to pretend nothing happened, my parents went to confession because they do it every Sunday, then they took communion and we left the church to come back home. I would have expected at least a comment on what the priest had said, but there was no comment, they pretended absolutely nothing had happened, as if they had not heard the priest at all. After a few minutes of chatting of misdirection I decided to ask if they had heard what the priest had said, and my father told me in a way I had not expected: “The church must defend the great values! You cannot think that puts equate marriage and the things you think about”, then entered the discourse as well mom with a speech even more absurd: “We do not want to hinder you because it would be counterproductive but it’s you that should realize that your path is not the right ore.” I did not want to continue the conversation, I made a gesture of greeting, and quickly went home, I took my things, at least the basic ones, and I went away. I have been three days by a friend of mine who hosted me. My parents didn’t even call me on the phone, because they knew that sooner or later I had to get back home perforce because I don’t work, I have no money and cannot live at home with friends. You can imagine how I was in a mood when I returned home. Now I do not know what to do, the assumptions are two:

1) Dealing with my parents giving them a surly look, at the cost of coming to blows, because I think we would arrive there, at least on my part

2) Pretend that nothing happened and go back to the nice guy that plays a part because he can be economically independent

I thought about looking for a job, but to quit school seems something crazy and risky that after I would pay badly. Now I have to get to a solution quickly. Personally, I am inclined to the first hypothesis, though I think it could be destructive. But how is it possible for two adults persons, educated, socially engaged, to be quite unable to think with their brains? I now do not go to church for a long time and I do not miss. I am a Christian? Yes! I think that the message of Christ was deeply upset. Frankly, I have no faith in the sense that the church says, that is, I see things that religion teaches me like mythical interpretations and I think that the essence of Christianity is love your neighbor, in this sense I feel certainly Christian. If once I had any doubts about whether to try to remain in the church, now I don’t have those doubts anymore, I don’t want to end up like my parents, who more than anger I feel sorry for.

_______

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-misunderstandings-among-gay-guys-and-christian-parents

GAY COUPLE AND BEST FRIEND

CHAT September 19, 2012 AT 9:05

Henry wrote: Hello Project! Thanks for the contact

Project wrote: Hello Henry! Nice to meet you!

Henry wrote: I would not bother you, but if you have a little time I’d like to talk about something

Project wrote: At this time of the morning you can be sure that there is no one, I have all the time you want

Henry wrote: So if you want I go straight to the point, okay?

Project wrote: Yes, yes, of course!

Henry wrote: So I am 28 y. o., live in southern Italy, we say that in practice until recently I had no experience of relationships (I’m not talking about sex) with gay guys.

Henry wrote: In my village there are gay people, that is obvious, there are but it’s as if there weren’t at all and this is because no one would take well such a thing,

Henry wrote: so basically I have lived for years just on the web but now I’ll explain. I met 3 or 4 guys in a dating site

Project wrote: I recommend be always attentive to the prevention, sorry if I remind you, but for me this is the first concern when I talk with the guys.

Henry wrote: No, wait, with those guys I have not done anything, first of all because they were not close to my village and then because the fear that someone might discover us was such that you could not even imagine

Henry wrote: and I liked one of those guys (only one and just a bit so to speak), however this is not the point, I told you of dating just to get you to understand that where I am I can’t go anything concrete with guys.

Project wrote: Ok, got it!

Henry wrote: Imagine that the guy I liked best suggested that we could have sex in cam but I said no because I was afraid that maybe he could record everything, I was sad a lot, but I did not want to risk at all, I suggested only a voice chat without cam and he sent me to hell, but still…

Henry wrote: I wanted to make it clear that for me to think I could have a true story with a guy is just not possible

Henry wrote: … then at some point in mid-June there is this guy in my village for the holidays, we knew each other since we were kids. He (I’ll call him Mark) is my age and has been working at a good level, but in a big city and far away from here.

Henry wrote: in short, we were in the street one evening, he alone, and I alone, although there was a lot of people because here, in the afternoon, in the summer, people go around back and forth. He greets me and I reply, and then starts a little conversation

Henry wrote: you know, the usual stuff, you got a job? And what do you do? But no questions about girls. Only work. We met again in the evening sometimes, walking in the country, a couple of times we had a coffee together. The conversation always very vague.

Henry wrote: After he has been in the village for 15 days he comes to greet me at home with the excuse to say goodbye to my father, who knows him from when he was little, then we exchange msn contacts and he goes, but so, just like nothing had happened.

Henry wrote: Just got home he shows up on msn and we begin to talk for hours, at the beginning the conversation was like that when he was in the village, then became more free and the idea that he wanted me to understand something that he didn’t dare to say openly began to cross my mind, and I was also pleased,

Henry wrote: of course I didn’t put myself in the open, however, my imagination started running about this guy. Then he tells me he has a dear friend, his best friend (let’s call Cindy), which is a very good girl, etc., and then I said to myself that Cindy was not only his best friend because he spoke a little too much about her but she was just his girlfriend,

Henry wrote: but if she was his girlfriend I think he would have told me, there was no reason not to tell me. He talked a lot about Cindy, then told me that she was engaged with a guy,

Henry wrote: and then I thought she was not his girlfriend just because she had a boyfriend, but that Cindy was obviously the girl he liked better and perhaps he was secretly in love with.

Henry wrote: Meanwhile the days go by, we talk about many things, but never about girls, in the sense of girlfriends, and he often tells me about Cindy as the girl that every guy would like to have beside him. Cindy was sweet, smart, knew how to keep a secret, when his presence was necessary not denied anything, etc.

Henry wrote: at one point I asked him if he was in love with Cindy and he told me: No! It’s just a friend and he strongly emphasized that it was not in love with Cindy and not because she had a boyfriend but because she didn’t attract him sexually.

Henry wrote: From there on the exploration of the emotional life began. He told me that he had never had a crush on someone, I said, neither I,

Henry wrote: then in a completely unexpected he added: “I never had a crush on a girl.” I felt very embarrassed and asked him: “What do you mean?” Then he said “maybe” one can have a crush on a married woman. But in my opinion that “maybe” placed just there sounded curious.

Henry wrote: We continued to talk late into the night, then he asked me: “Do you believe that there are really those who have a crush on a friend? That is just on a guy? ”

Henry wrote: I replied “I think such things are quite common or at least are not rare, I think there is absolutely nothing absurd.” Then he asked me: ” Have you ever thought it?” I told him, “Do not embarrass me …” He insisted: “But sometimes have you thought it?” Then I said, “Well, sometimes yes,” and he added. “Sometimes I’ve thought it too”

Henry wrote: Now the ice was broken, we got to tell each other clearly that we were gay, but always with a lot of fear of being caught, with thousands of recommendations to remove the conversation from msn etc.

Henry wrote: In the following days he tells me that he trusted only with Cindy and she knows how to keep a secret, that Cindy is his best friend and that he trusts her as a sister. He tells me what Cindy said about me and it bothers me, but he says that I do not have to worry because she is a beautiful girl and he trusts her as himself, etc.

Henry wrote: Then he said “you have to know her; you will certainly be completely at ease with her. And there, for the second time, it bothered me. I had told him of my things, the relationship with my father and my mother, nothing special, but my things, very private feelings that perhaps they had understood and that I did not want to tell them I was gay,

Henry wrote: and he tells me that he spoke about me with Cindy and that in his opinion I could be pleased to talk with Cindy, and begins to tell me that he would like to give my msn to Cindy, so we could speak with confidence. All this happened yesterday, now I do not know what to do,

Henry wrote: I do not like at all the idea that he is under the thumb of this friend of his, because I start to think that he really is. If I have a relationship with a guy I’d like to keep that relationship only between me and that guy

Henry wrote: in short, I would not want to become a topic of conversation between Mark and Cindy.

Henry wrote: Then there’s another thing I do not like at all, he is possessive, he asks me where I’m going and with whom, he looks for me in the evening and if I do not answer, he just starts telling me that he had been worrying and starts questions, where have you been? With whom? What have you done? Etc.

Henry wrote: There is one thing holding me back a lot, otherwise I would have already sent him to hell, but you know, he really exists and perhaps he thinks about us like a couple as a possible thing, he is a nice guy and this is very important and then if he ends up with me, here, can I find another gay? I think it is very difficult.

Project wrote: Well, of course the story of Cindy seems a bit strange, almost like a form of addiction.

Henry wrote: It does not appear, it is! He always puts her between, such as parsley. Cindy, in fact, encouraged him to take up with me but if she had discouraged him I do not know if he would have tried, it’s a bit as if he were a little autonomous in deciding, Cindy for him is a bit like the teddy bear for children,

Henry wrote: it is as if he needed approval. I do not know what to think because I also had some friends which I loved but my love life was only mine, I would never have dreamed of talking to them about too personal things.

Project wrote: But beyond these conversations in chat you think he might care really build a relationship with you? Because you are not in the same town.

Henry wrote: Frankly, I do not know and a little I am inclined to think that this is the first time he starts a love story or at least tries to, I do not know what to think. Project, can I ask a favor?

Project wrote: Of course! If I can.

Henry wrote: Now my parents are ranting because we have to go out together, if you like we can continue tonight, midnight is it possible?

Project wrote: Ok, ok, go quiet, we’ll continue at midnight. A hug. See you! Bye!

CHAT September 19, 2012 AT 23:55

Henry wrote: Are you there?

Project wrote: Yes, I am!

Henry wrote: Project, I gave up, I was disappointed, I told him that we can still be friends but I do not feel like going on, I told him because of the distance, but in reality it is that he did something that really I cannot stand and he also told me it. He is not a trickster but he is dangerous, because you cannot trust him

Project wrote: Ok, but what happened?

Henry wrote: He calls tonight at ten, all peaceful, which is not usual from him, and tells me I’m really a nice guy, etc. and so disorients me a bit, he tells me he has spoken so much about me with Cindy and she thinks very highly of me!

Henry wrote: I told him that she still does not know me and he says that he usually gives Cindy the logs of our conversations, just at that moment was as the alarm had sounded, I tried to make him understand that I care my privacy and that even indirectly he had bothered me

Henry wrote: but he said that I should not be afraid of Cindy, which for him is more than a sister, and so on. For him to think that I could be annoyed that he always puts Cindy in the middle was just impossible.  For Cindy he said he had no secrets because she is an exceptional person, etc.

Project wrote: Well, but are you sure that this guy has all the wheels in place? Because this story does not bode well at all

Henry wrote: Well, when he was here I thought he was a normal guy, beyond the story of Cindy he never behaved in a strange manner, and he works and where he works it’s not that easy to forgive the oddities.

Project wrote: But then he realized? That is when you started to move away, did he realize why?

Henry wrote: No, I do not think so, I put things only about distance and he insisted that he could come to me at least every 15 days, or tried to tell me that the distance was not a big deal but I think for him it’s impossible to think that Cindy, or rather its dependence on Cindy, may be the cause

Henry wrote: of my will to cut the rope. He also said that sometimes he goes out with Cindy and they go to the place where he works and said that when Cindy goes with him she dresses elegant. But he nevertheless insisted that between him and Cindy there was nothing.

Project wrote: So much for nothing! Maybe they don’t go to bed together … so I thing you were right to cut the rope.

Henry wrote: Project, however, it’s not that he is out of his mind, in his environment and as well here in the village people consider him a lot, he studied and graduated successfully and earns a lot of money

Project wrote: Yes, yes, but no one will take away from my head that there is something that does not work well, sorry, with all due respect for this guy but in the end what did you do? You cut the rope because you think there is something that sounds strange

Henry wrote: Well, in fact, in the story with my now ex-boyfriend, I do not want Cindy in the middle, whoever she is, that is, to me, I don’t like such things.

Project wrote: Have you doubts?

Henry wrote: What about?

Project wrote: The choice to cut the rope?

Henry wrote: No! At this point no doubts at all! If he was as handsome as Apollo as well … so I talk about intimate things with a guy who wants to be my boyfriend and what does he do? He makes Cindy reading! No! For heaven’s sake, I do not want to be under the tutelage of none!

Project wrote: I fully understand and agree with you; at least you have escaped the danger!

Henry wrote: I think so … Project, do you mind if I go to sleep? It all happened today…

Project wrote: Go, Go, Go! Good night, and especially be serene! You only averted possible troubles and maybe even big ones.

Henry wrote: Oh I know, but I still have a bitter taste, because a little I had believed…

Project wrote: One thing, you say that I can post the log of our chat? I think it could be important for several young guys.

Henry wrote: If you want to post it I agree, however, look first if there are too explicit elements. Night Project!

Project wrote: Good night!

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GAY SEX TEXTBOOK

I collect here some reflections on gay sexuality; things are very general but in practice can help focus the basics.

The word “homosexuality” emphasizes the sexual dimension and, in this manner, averts from a realistic view of homosexuality that is not a sexual behavior but a form of love.

Homosexuality is the tendency to fall in love and create emotional and sexual relations with persons of the same sex, it’s a natural variant of human sexuality which covers about 8% of the population, both male and female, more or less in the same proportions.

Homosexuality is experienced with discomfort, or rather is not lived in the fullness of his human value, when one of the two constituents, affectivity and sexuality, is deleted or underestimated.

The refusal of gay affectivity leads to live the homosexuality only at sexual level and to avoid any emotional involvement. In this way sexuality, expanding and becoming a pervasive value, tends to compensate the absent affectivity. Affective participation, which is the basis of satisfaction in an interpersonal relationship and also in a relationship involving sexuality, failing, takes away from sexuality its highest value and therefore its ability to be deeply rewarding.

The sublimation of sexuality, often related to forms of education that aims to restrain the physical dimension of the child or of the adolescent, transmitted through a never expansive adult behavior, removes from homosexuality, in a more or less marked manner, the physical drive or leads to live that drive with guilt, as if it could degrade love.

The rewarding experience of sexuality and therefore also of the homosexuality needs both components, i.e. both affectivity and sexuality.

Homosexual affectivity and sexuality are deeply influenced by education. In the countries of northern Europe, where homosexuality is a normal thing, the problems of non-acceptance are virtually non-existent, in the countries of southern Europe and in many other countries, even where there is no criminalization of homosexuality but still remains a widely homophobic mentality fueled by religion and by certain political groups, problems of non-acceptance of homosexuality are common and gay people are living in uncomfortable situations. Unfortunately, there are still countries where homosexuality is criminalized and this leads to hanging in the square guys even sixteen y. o.. In these countries is put in place a real extermination action in violation of the most basic human rights.

The sex education of adolescents and in particular of gay adolescents doesn’t even exist in Italy, at the institutional level, and is implicitly delegated to the church, but becomes in fact the prerogative of pornography, that is based on economic colossal interests that have nothing to do with the sex education and the sexual well-being of children and adults. Pornography ends up creating forms of sexual behavior that are deeply rooted in the minds of teenagers. Pornography emphasizes only the sexual component and tends to depress and devalue the affective component. A gay guy told me: “I prefer a thousand times a gay-themed film, perhaps with a minimum of sex than a porn. In a film, I see myself there, there’s a story, there are also feelings that I feel, in a porn it’s just sex that has little to do with reality”. Another guy said to me: “I see usually the first part of porn, where there is something that has a minimum of affective sense, then, when they begin to have sex with all their strength, I prefer to switch to something else, because it is always the same thing.”

A real relationship between two guys, both affective and sexual level, presupposes, as minimum, respect and personal-esteem based on a mutual and not superficial understanding. Without these assumptions it’s impossible to build serious human relationships of any kind.

Using sexuality, today, due to the awareness of the risks of sexually transmitted diseases, and of AIDS in the first place, rules of prevention are a top priority and imperative, both for self-respect and for respect of the other.

But beyond this in gay sexuality there are no obligations or rules of any kind, there aren’t patterns of behavior, there are no essential sexual practices or rituals or scripts of any kind required. We have to avoid the influence of prefabricated patterns of behavior of any kind and in particular of those derived from pornography.

Sexuality has a deep value only when it is really spontaneous. The couple sexuality must be constructed in couple, dealing as equals. Every forcing is always a sign of inadequacy or immaturity.

It is not uncommon for gay men to feel uncomfortable because they feel that their sexual desire does not match the models conveyed by pornography or the demands of the partners, this discomfort is based on the false assumption that gay sexuality should follow a script in which the behaviors are predefined. Indeed, the solution of the problems of sexual harmony is the typical test of the capacity of resistance of a couple. A solid couple finds “its” road to “its” sexuality just looking inside the couple itself and putting aside any fixed pattern of behavior.

Gay sexuality is not a substitute for, a draft, an analogue of hetero sexuality. A gay guy does not look at his boyfriend like a surrogate or a substitute of a girl, but is in love with his partner because he is a guy and the affection that led him to that guy assumes that they are just two guys and they move on a plane of absolute equality.

A love relationship, and therefore also a homosexual relationship, requires the utmost honesty with each other, i.e. always tell the other what you feel and what you think with total loyalty. Hide your own thoughts to your partner for fear of his reaction means fear him or consider him unable to a fair discussion, such things are a sign of a not equal relationship.

Satisfaction in sexuality doesn’t come from one or another specific sexual practice but by the fact that sexuality is lived with a deep emotional involvement.

Individual masturbation is an essential sexual activity that in adolescence contributes to structure adult sexuality creating stable associations between sexual fantasies and physiological reactions of erection and sexual arousal that are helping to set the personal sex archetypes that are the types and physical characteristics capable of inducing a physiological sexual response. Masturbation is not a child’s behavior or something related wit immature people. It’s on the contrary something that should be taken seriously and should be appreciated not reducing it for any reason to a way to “drain”.

Masturbation is not an adolescent behavior that can be overcome when you live as a couple, but it is a normal component of the sexuality that does not disappear but thins out when there is a stable couple life and is useful to keep sexually in touch with your partner when he is far away.

Masturbation is not a waste of time but, like all sexual activities, needs time, and must be done in a quiet condition and, possibly, without interruption. If masturbation is too fast, it leaves a feeling of dissatisfaction. In such things, appropriate times are fundamental. Masturbation is not and should not be a mechanical activity but must involve sexual fantasy in a profound way that should allow living or reliving, by the sexual fantasy, specific and strongly engaging sexual experiences.

Masturbatory fantasies, that are the fantasies that accompany masturbation, are the first indicator of sexual orientation. The differences between the masturbatory fantasies and the real sexual behavior of couples are one of the main signs of distress in the couple sexuality. A guy who has a partner but prefers to masturbate using porn rather than thinking about the sexuality that he lived with his partner, most likely lived not satisfying couple sexuality.

Affectivity and sexuality in a homosexual relationship always must go together. It is a common thing for example that even talking on the phone with your partner you get a hard-on, there would be something to worry about if it would not happen. It’s frequent, if both partners are far away, to masturbate together while on the phone or in cam, this is a way to keep alive even the sexual interest. It would be a symptom of serious discomfort if a guy, in the phone conversation with his partner was limited to only polite expressions and then would masturbate watching a porn on the net. In such a situation it is likely that there is no relationship at all.

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I WAS STRAIGHT AND I HAVE TO LEARN TO BE GAY

Hello Project,

I discovered Gay Project recently and I was really amazed, in practice there is nothing like this on the internet. I spent long nights reading. It is a treasure trove of things that I have never found anywhere else and are just the same as I am to live now. I admit that for the first time I did not feel alone. I’m 24, almost 25, until very recently, I never imagined being able to write an email like this, that is, an email to a gay site. I saw a lot of things marked as  gay but I really didn’t like such things. I thought I’d be the one to be strange, then I came here and I told myself that gay people like me exist and that they are not so strange. In practice, up to 24 y. o. I did everything to convince myself to be straight. Up to 19/20 I didn’t even realize the significance of certain things. I had a girlfriend but I masturbated thinking about guys, I had a girlfriend and we used to have sex too, not really exciting but not disappointing. So I just had to say: I’m straight. I had a friend, Mark (false name), we were always together, I was with my girlfriend when I could not stay with Mark. Mark is 100% straight and this made almost impossible to approach him anyway, nevertheless we were good together, but without any reference to sex, even if I masturbated thinking about him and I did it quite naturally as a thing that in loving friendship can be great. Gay men I saw on TV or on the internet were very different from me, and so the idea of ​​being gay didn’t even cross my mind. Then Mark found a girl and I lost most of his company and then I poured on my girlfriend, sex with her was not that bad after all and I’ve never taken het as a last resort, at least up to a year ago, let’s say we looked like the typical engaged couple, even her parents had taken it well, but I was always thinking about guys, every time I saw one I liked, I took heart sank, but I couldn’t even tell her anything, things went on like this for months but I slowly lost interest in sex with my girlfriend, technically everything worked, but I just was thinking about something else. Her parents and my parents started talking about marriage and there I started to feel really very uncomfortable. At this point, what should I do? I should have said what was going on, that is, the first, to admit to be gay in front of myself and then in front of my girl, and perhaps it would have been the obvious thing to do, but I did a crazy thing, I told myself that if I had a son I would come to accept the idea of ​​marriage. My girlfriend now assumed that we would get married, the families also took it for granted, and so, when I said I wanted a son she was happy, but there I just started to have erection problems and I got lots of psychological problems. I didn’t think at all that the fact of having gay fantasies could be important, things had always gone well with my girlfriend and at some point no longer worked but this problem began to emerge  gradually and in fact my girlfriend got pregnant, she was still happy and a little me too, but I realized I did not lust after her and my own sexuality was oriented towards a different direction and I began to realize it in a very obvious way, with her I did not have an erection but at the gym I just had to see a nice guy and could not contain my erection. From there I got it. I went completely in crisis. Meanwhile, my girlfriend had a miscarriage, I do not know if it was better or not, it was terrible, because the idea of ​​a child had put me right in a different mood and because I thought it would be my only chance to have a straight life, but on the other hand I felt freer. I should tell my girlfriend what was going on but I did not have the courage. She wanted us to try newly but I was not willing to repeat the experience,  I began to have the idea that my life would be, however, different, I did not know what to identify with, but I was no longer straight and I realized that clearly . When I got to the breaking point I talked to my girlfriend and things got weird and I was completely bemused. Basically she told me that she knew from the beginning and that she had talked about  with Mark, who then had understood everything, long before me. Mark had warned her from getting in love with me because he thought I was gay, but please note that I then didn’t even suspect. My girlfriend, despite all, fell in love with me and started to mind that she could get me a good life as a straight man. In fact for a while she was successful and it seemed likely that there wasn’t any  problem at all or it was completely exceeded. She told Mark that he was wrong and that nobody was much heterosexual than me, but then things have changed . We broke off the engagement by mutual agreement and without resentment, our families were shocked but we did not say anything to anyone neither I nor she. We were supposed to be friends but in practice after we broke up we saw no more than two or three times. So my straight life was over and from a few months ago I’m trying to understand what being gay means in practice, because when you say that it means to fall in love with guys instead of girls, you don’t say anything concrete. I did not come out to my family and only my ex-girlfriend and Mark know the truth but I am aware that they didn’t talk about to anyone. Among other things, Mark is getting married soon and I think I’ll be for him only a memory lost in the past.

Here begins my confusion. I don’t know gay guys, not even one, I went on the internet looking only for porn then also dating sites but out of curiosity, I’ve never had a profile and even less would encounter people that way because I’m too afraid of AIDS and I want to live in peace. Project, we can say that in so many things that you have written I can find myself quite well. I think I’m a serious guy and from Gay Project I really understood many things, first of all, that a gay man who lived a straight life like mine is not the white fly, I might have gone very far but there are a lot of gay men who have had a girl and I think maybe we could understand each other better, maybe I’m wrong, but they somehow had an experience more similar to mine. The curiosity I have is so big, let us be clear, I do not know what it means to have a relationship with a guy, what has to do with sex and what to do to come to have sex, and the concept of “gay guy” to me is a bit between myth and mystery, I dream about a beautiful boyfriend, just like many hot guys I see on the street, but I have a little fear, fear of being naive, not to really understand what could cross the brain of a gay guy. From what I read on Gay Project it should be interesting but I think about a lot of things that put me very embarrassed and probably I have in mind, as you say, a lot of things deduced from pornography that gay guys have nothing to do with. The fear is not essentially  about sexual things but about emotional feeling, I do not know how it works between two guys, I’m used to understand the reactions of a girl but I cannot imagine those of a guy. To tell you the truth it’s not even so much the strictly sexual things that interest me, I wish above all a relationship of pampering, I’d like to fall asleep next to him, looking him right in the eyes and say I love you. Sometimes I felt stupid to want such things, but now I’m starting to think that there are a lot of guys like me. I would like to add one more thing and that is that I found very interesting the interviews on gay sexuality, I’ve read some with great curiosity and made me feel less alone.

Project, this is my msn (- omissis -), perhaps I’ll start by talking to you if you’re okay, then maybe … who knows … Answer me if you can, I’d love to chat.

See you soon. G. G.

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HOMOSEXUAL EXPERIENCES FROM GAY AND STRAIGHT POINT OF VIEW

Hello Project,
I am a 22 y. o. guy, and even at my age, I have serious doubts about my sexuality. I feel emotionally led to the girls, I fall in love with girls, I’m fine with girls and sometimes I even had sex with girls, although relationships were little exciting for me, but I still cannot masturbate thinking about a girl. I tried several times but it is as if there was some sort of resistance, on the contrary when I had sex with a girl it somehow worked. I also tried with hetero porn but even there I do not feel any real involvement. I masturbate only thinking about guys or, rarely, watching gay porn. The fantasies of masturbation are almost all related to two incidents that I think have deeply affected my sex life. The first incident happened when I was 15 y. o. and the second when I was almost 19. Up to 15 years I had always thought to be straight and I masturbated thinking about girls, without much enthusiasm to tell the truth, but really only about girls. When I was 15, during a trip organized by the school, I found myself in a room with another guy, there weren’t as usually two separate beds but only a double bed. At first it seemed a bit strange to me, but I had slept a few other times with my mates in similar situations. When we went to bed we started to talk about sexual matters and tell each other everything, even the fact that we masturbated thinking about girls. Then, I asked him if, when he did it, he used to think only about girls and he told me that sometimes he thought about some guy, it seemed strange to him but he had thought also about guys and after all he told it would be a pleasant thing, not like with girls, but it would be nice anyway. I did not expect an answer like that, so direct and honest. Then he asked me if I thought only about girls and I did not have the heart to lie and I told him that when I masturbated I used to think only about girls but that, for me, thinking about sex with a guy was not something disgusting as many young guys say and that, indeed, what he had just told me did not seem so strange to me. I asked him whether he was gay and he said that he felt fully straight but he thought that so many straight guys do sometimes sex with their friends, even just to play. I said, “Well, yes, I think that happens.” Then I asked him if he was excited to stay in bed with me and he said yes, and I asked if I could check, he said: Go! And I picked his c..k up. Then he asked if I was excited and I told him that I was as well, and at this point he picked up mine. It turned out that we masturbated each other. Then it did not happen anything similar even if I wanted to violently, he continued to be with his girlfriend and we never again talked about, between us nothing changed. But for me, everything had changed because what had happened had been a very strong and quite a natural experience, without being forced from either side. After that day, I put aside fantasies about girls and I started to masturbate only remembering that night. But it was not all so easy, I was convinced I was gay and I cursed that night because if it had not happened I would have been a normal straight guy and had a life like that of all the other guys. And instead that night had changed my life. Two things made me feel bad, first of all I did not accept that my life could be so violently impressed by something like that and then I did not understand why the life of the guy with whom I had done such things instead was not changed at all. Why had I to be gay because of something like that and that guy was not? I have done everything to find a girl to love, then, finally, at 17, it happened. I knew a beautiful girl who fell in love with me, cuddled me and inspired me so much tenderness, she devoted herself to me with affection and I at the end, when I had just turned 18, had sex with her for the first time in the sense that we touched each other and then we came to masturbate each other. I was excited and I thought that I was not gay, then I came home but I felt strange, That evening I didn’t want to masturbate recalling the usual night with that guy, I wanted to do it thinking about my girl and I tried in every way, but couldn’t even maintain my erection, I felt dazed, then went back to the usual fantasies and so I came to the end. I told myself that things could not go this way, now I had a girlfriend and I had to delete all of masturbation because it was only a thing to kids and now I had to live an adult sexuality. With the best effort I could I put aside the solitary masturbation and limited myself to be masturbated by my girlfriend, then after a month I for once masturbated alone always thinking about that night. Things went on like that for a few months and I did everything I could to completely erase the memory of that damn night, then something new and unexpected happened, I know a wonderful guy and I’m fascinated though I try to avoid him because I do not want to be gay, then I start to look for information on this guy to get an idea a little more complete. I am told that he hasn’t a girlfriend and has never had but he never even had strange behavior. After resisting for a while I began to masturbate thinking about this guy and started to give him a court ruthless but fair, and he realizes it. One day I invited him for a weekend of camping and he accepts. The night we talk in the tent, the embarrassment is very strong, then I say that “maybe” I took half a crush on him, that is, in fact, I say only that he is a beautiful guy and I like him a lot then I ask him if he’s gay, he says he’s straight and has a girlfriend, who is now away for a semester because she is studying in another city, then he asks me if I’m gay and I say that I have a girlfriend, he replies: “… I think my life I will be with my girlfriend … well even I like you … but of course we are a bit strange the two of us …” then things went on and we ended up masturbating each other. In the end he concludes: “Of course a girl would never be able to do that as well a guy does…” And so it all ends. I think he is gay and in the following days I begin to pester him and he tells me that it happened but that he is not gay and that does not feel right to go forward, then he almost begins to escape me, not to be longer found, not to answer the phone and I fell very disappointed. Of course with my girlfriend all went wrong. Now I’m alone to lick my wounds. I just cannot understand how that experience, when I was 15, may have upset so my life. Why should I be gay for a so absurd reason? Even now I want a girl, but then, at sexual level, I realize that now for me it’s impossible to live a satisfactory sexuality with a girl. What do you think Project?

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