I am a 19 year old guy, people tell me I’m a nice guy, I don’t know if this is true, but some girls hang around ma a lot and fall in love with me, let’s say I have always considered myself straight, a bit so to speak, in a particular sense, because girls run below me and I don’t run after them, however, I never had the idea of being gay until a few months ago. All my friends see that girls are behind me and I joke about it a lot and they think I’m totally straight. In fact, I have always had a few interests in sex. I honestly do not have physical problems, but for me the masturbation itself has always been half a thing. I’ve never used gay porn; I do not really even thought about whether or not I was using regular straight porn. And I really looked at the girls and tried to see me in the place of the guy, erection arrived regularly, and also I was able to go to the happy end but after all that I always experimented a strange feeling, so that I told myself that if sex is this way, after all, it’s a very poor thing. I liked very much rather think of a girl with tenderness and cuddles, but not really sexual things, I thought sexual things would come naturally and then at the end I didn’t worry too much. With one of the girls I’ve been in situations in which you could get sex very easily because she was sure there would be, I escaped with an excuse, and frankly, I have not regretted that at all. This sounds like the story of a straight a little uninterested in sex, so to speak, I had come to masturbate once a week and even less, but not forcing, just so spontaneously. Then in January last year, as final exams approached, I began to study with a group of friends, two boys and a girl who all lived in my area. The girl had a boyfriend who had nothing to do with us, and I can say, we were just fellow students, in the sense that when we didn’t meet for studying she went to study with her boyfriend. We three guys instead usually spent together also free time. In practice, a beautiful friendship to three: I (Joseph), John and Andrea (fantasy names). John often talked about girls, Andrea never. At that time I did not give any meaning to these things, for me they were just friends. We spent also three days together in the mountains and nothing happened. We studied together, we went out on Sunday and Saturday nights, but everything ended there. One day, a girl who was not of our group had tried to capture my attention but in a manner that sounded a little strange to me, in practice flirting a little, which is something that I hate. I went away leaving the girl with her mouth open. I was a little upset for this episode but above all for the idea of being approached this way, so to speak. In the evening I called Andrea to tell him that there was one thing I’d like to talk to him but because my parents where home the speech was only vaguely mentioned then we entered mns and we were chatting until late, more than two in the morning. Andrea did not respond in the usual trivial way but tried to reason with me, He didn’t advise me and I didn’t suggest anything but I knew he was listening everything. I was happy and at the end I told him really clear: “To speak with you tonight just made me feel good, I really needed it!” He answered: “Did I like it too; almost never things go this way!” Then we wished goodnight. I was in a very nice euphoric state, I found out I had a true friend with whom I could talk about everything, one who is willing to listen to me for hours. So I began to think that friendship was really an important thing to get better. In the following days I noticed that Andrea of our conversation had not said anything to anyone, and I appreciated it very much. Then we began to chat often on msn, I expected to see when him online and if by chance people called me I didn’t even answer, I was fine with him. One Sunday when my parents where home I called him to ask him if he wound switch to speaking voice on msn, he said “yes, sure”. I lay on my bed with a headset with a microphone in my head and start talking and something unexpected happens to me, I start to get an erection, I think it’s because I have not masturbated for a long time and I do not give weight to the thing, the conversation continues, and I wonder what he would think if he knew that I was in that state, but at that time I didn’t even have the idea that he had something to do with my sexual state. A few days later we are back in voice chat and I newly go to erection although this time I had masturbated in the usual straight mediocre way just the day before. I like Andrea’s voice, I like his pauses, a little I feel almost courted by Andrea, but in a very different way from that of the girls, everything is extremely slow, then I think that Andrea’s smile is very sweet and while he speaks I let myself go with the imagination, I think I’d be intimate with him, because to me he’s becoming a very important person, I’m in erection as long as we’re on msn but it seems natural to me, when we say goodbye it’s so late and go to bed, I masturbate thinking of Andrea, leaving the fantasy completely free and I discover a really new world! Finally I can masturbate with a total commitment, something I had never thought would happen to me and I say, “So this is the true sexuality! Now it makes sense! I’m gay! “Believe me, Project, after a discovery like that I do not feel absolutely challenged, I said I’m in love with Andrea and I only want to be with him. Fears will arrive later, but not the fear of being gay, that I have not really, but the fear of losing Andrea, of embarrassing him, Project, I just love him at all levels. Since then it has become the only object of my masturbatory fantasies and I found the meaning of sexuality, but there was a “but”, what I should do with Andrea? How was I supposed to behave? And now, after two months, we are still at the same point. In the life of Andrea, as far as I know, there aren’t straight adventures but nevertheless nothing suggests me he’s gay, just nothing. We continue to chat very often, usually I call him, but if I do not call after two days he calls me and we are on msn for hours, often to joke and talk about anything or just to swap emoticons! Now I am in a stalemate, now I know I’m gay and it gives me great pleasure to finally know that my affection and my sexual instincts are those, but I want Andrea only for me, if I had the impression that he was sick of me or maybe tends not to get involved I would never insist, but I do not have that impression at all, in some of his hesitation I see that he cares and is very keen, I do not know how, if as a friend or because maybe he’s in love with me, but I think that if he had other people he would not lose his head the whole evening long talking to me. Our way (including his own) is the way of making love. What have I to do, Project? I would be led to bypass the deadlock and tell him exactly how things are, but I have a damn afraid of losing him finally, I would not miss him for any reason but I wish also he was mine in every sense! I would feel that between us there is something important!
If you want to publish the mail, I’ve changed the names, and then I think things like that could have happened to many other guys.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-be-gay-in-love-and-discover-sexuality