I am a 17 y. o. guy, almost 18, and I think I’m gay or better I’m gay because girls leave me completely indifferent. Let me tell you my story, I do not know if such thing has happened to other guys but in practice it has occupied my brain for more than two years. When I was in ninth grade, I had already an interest in the lads and I only masturbated thinking of guys I liked but I never really fell in love with a boy and even less with a girl. Let’s say that my interest was just sexual, or maybe it was because it could not be otherwise. So, in April 2010, tenth grade, the school trip comes, I clearly slip right in because I think that maybe something could also happen, staying a long time with other boys something could really happen, I don’t say sex, but perhaps to see them naked, or at least in underwear, which for me would have been a great deal. We had to be out four nights, the first we have done very late, because of disco and we returned to the hotel at about three in the night, so we collapsed to sleep, the second night they were too drunk, vomited on the floor, just a deficient behavior. The good thing came the third night. We were in room, three guys, and three other guys came, so we were six, all male, and they started to talk about sex, but seriously. I wondered how they could speak so casually, just without any problems. Basically I was just listening to them, they were talking about everything they felt for girls, how they were trying to touch girls and be touched when they could, that they masturbated thinking about girls. I would never have been able to talk like that. They were talking for more than three hours, they were just happy, you could see that it was something that put them at their ease. One of my roommates was erect and remained there this way all the time, staying with them and hearing them talk, I too was hard but even if it they had realized, in a situation like that, it would not be a problem because we were talking about girls. Then I’m gay, and no one knows but if I say no one could believe. I’ve never had the problem that someone thinks I’m gay and now I begin to have the opposite problem, that some girls might think that I’m courting them. Girls run behind me and this embarrasses me a lot. So that evening for me was a great night even if I realized that my intimacy with my friends was all based on a misunderstanding, but nevertheless I tried an almost sexual intimacy with my friends that I loved. The last night I was in a two bed room and happened what you can imagine, my friend started talking about girls then the conversation went on sex, just a little more physical sex, and it turned out that we masturbated mutually. For me it was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me. It lasted little more than 10 minutes. I was just upset that I could do a similar thing with my companion and I had begun to think that in the end he was gay, because he said it was very nice. Then we went to sleep. I did not sleep, I mentally went over all the sensations of a few minutes before, I was convinced that my partner was gay and I was extremely happy because he was the guy that I liked best of all my companions. I wanted to let him know that I loved him, that I was in love with him and so on. The morning was quiet as if nothing had happened, I try to give him a smile, but he is quite busy with other things since the last hike of the trip, camera etc.. etc.. and not even looks at me, but not deliberately, just as he was natural, then he answers me in a friendly way but, let’s say, ordinary friendly. The tour ends, school starts, all is regular as if nothing had happened between us, I know better than to make speeches. In practice, for two years we have not talked about such things, but this year we went on a trip together and we ended up in the same room, now he’s in love with a girl, or rather he is in love with a girl who doesn’t even look and him and he feels really bad, we have also talked seriously during the trip and one night he was just about to start crying, that girl is now practically his fixation, but the trouble is that she is not his girlfriend. I tried to comfort him as a “straight” good friend who can give advice to his friend on how to deal women. At one point I took all the courage I had and I said, “Do you remember two years ago?” He told me that he remembered that night six of us in a room talking about girls and that was beautiful. But he did not seem to remember what had happened between us, then he smiled and made it clear that he remembered but concluded: “Anyways, at that time we were kids!” I nodded with a smile as if to say “Yes It is true.”, however his line to devalue the thing for me has been a stab in the heart, I was hoping that the trip this year was an opportunity to clarify and instead it was an opportunity for me to realize that if I do not know that a guy is gay, it’s better not have any illusion. I realized that the same fact for me and for him had a completely different meaning, it seemed to me the beginning of a love story, for him it was something stupid suitable for kids. But, remembering that night, I lived two intense years, daydreaming, waiting for a sign from him, interpreting everything he said assuming he was gay. At least now I opened my eyes.
If you want to, well, publish this e-mail. Thank you for everything you do!
Aldo (invented name but I like it because I’m high! Ih ih!)
[In Italian “high” = “Alto” sounds something like “Aldo” (a name)]
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