I discovered Gay Project recently and I was really amazed, in practice there is nothing like this on the internet. I spent long nights reading. It is a treasure trove of things that I have never found anywhere else and are just the same as I am to live now. I admit that for the first time I did not feel alone. I’m 24, almost 25, until very recently, I never imagined being able to write an email like this, that is, an email to a gay site. I saw a lot of things marked as gay but I really didn’t like such things. I thought I’d be the one to be strange, then I came here and I told myself that gay people like me exist and that they are not so strange. In practice, up to 24 y. o. I did everything to convince myself to be straight. Up to 19/20 I didn’t even realize the significance of certain things. I had a girlfriend but I masturbated thinking about guys, I had a girlfriend and we used to have sex too, not really exciting but not disappointing. So I just had to say: I’m straight. I had a friend, Mark (false name), we were always together, I was with my girlfriend when I could not stay with Mark. Mark is 100% straight and this made almost impossible to approach him anyway, nevertheless we were good together, but without any reference to sex, even if I masturbated thinking about him and I did it quite naturally as a thing that in loving friendship can be great. Gay men I saw on TV or on the internet were very different from me, and so the idea of being gay didn’t even cross my mind. Then Mark found a girl and I lost most of his company and then I poured on my girlfriend, sex with her was not that bad after all and I’ve never taken het as a last resort, at least up to a year ago, let’s say we looked like the typical engaged couple, even her parents had taken it well, but I was always thinking about guys, every time I saw one I liked, I took heart sank, but I couldn’t even tell her anything, things went on like this for months but I slowly lost interest in sex with my girlfriend, technically everything worked, but I just was thinking about something else. Her parents and my parents started talking about marriage and there I started to feel really very uncomfortable. At this point, what should I do? I should have said what was going on, that is, the first, to admit to be gay in front of myself and then in front of my girl, and perhaps it would have been the obvious thing to do, but I did a crazy thing, I told myself that if I had a son I would come to accept the idea of marriage. My girlfriend now assumed that we would get married, the families also took it for granted, and so, when I said I wanted a son she was happy, but there I just started to have erection problems and I got lots of psychological problems. I didn’t think at all that the fact of having gay fantasies could be important, things had always gone well with my girlfriend and at some point no longer worked but this problem began to emerge gradually and in fact my girlfriend got pregnant, she was still happy and a little me too, but I realized I did not lust after her and my own sexuality was oriented towards a different direction and I began to realize it in a very obvious way, with her I did not have an erection but at the gym I just had to see a nice guy and could not contain my erection. From there I got it. I went completely in crisis. Meanwhile, my girlfriend had a miscarriage, I do not know if it was better or not, it was terrible, because the idea of a child had put me right in a different mood and because I thought it would be my only chance to have a straight life, but on the other hand I felt freer. I should tell my girlfriend what was going on but I did not have the courage. She wanted us to try newly but I was not willing to repeat the experience, I began to have the idea that my life would be, however, different, I did not know what to identify with, but I was no longer straight and I realized that clearly . When I got to the breaking point I talked to my girlfriend and things got weird and I was completely bemused. Basically she told me that she knew from the beginning and that she had talked about with Mark, who then had understood everything, long before me. Mark had warned her from getting in love with me because he thought I was gay, but please note that I then didn’t even suspect. My girlfriend, despite all, fell in love with me and started to mind that she could get me a good life as a straight man. In fact for a while she was successful and it seemed likely that there wasn’t any problem at all or it was completely exceeded. She told Mark that he was wrong and that nobody was much heterosexual than me, but then things have changed . We broke off the engagement by mutual agreement and without resentment, our families were shocked but we did not say anything to anyone neither I nor she. We were supposed to be friends but in practice after we broke up we saw no more than two or three times. So my straight life was over and from a few months ago I’m trying to understand what being gay means in practice, because when you say that it means to fall in love with guys instead of girls, you don’t say anything concrete. I did not come out to my family and only my ex-girlfriend and Mark know the truth but I am aware that they didn’t talk about to anyone. Among other things, Mark is getting married soon and I think I’ll be for him only a memory lost in the past.
Here begins my confusion. I don’t know gay guys, not even one, I went on the internet looking only for porn then also dating sites but out of curiosity, I’ve never had a profile and even less would encounter people that way because I’m too afraid of AIDS and I want to live in peace. Project, we can say that in so many things that you have written I can find myself quite well. I think I’m a serious guy and from Gay Project I really understood many things, first of all, that a gay man who lived a straight life like mine is not the white fly, I might have gone very far but there are a lot of gay men who have had a girl and I think maybe we could understand each other better, maybe I’m wrong, but they somehow had an experience more similar to mine. The curiosity I have is so big, let us be clear, I do not know what it means to have a relationship with a guy, what has to do with sex and what to do to come to have sex, and the concept of “gay guy” to me is a bit between myth and mystery, I dream about a beautiful boyfriend, just like many hot guys I see on the street, but I have a little fear, fear of being naive, not to really understand what could cross the brain of a gay guy. From what I read on Gay Project it should be interesting but I think about a lot of things that put me very embarrassed and probably I have in mind, as you say, a lot of things deduced from pornography that gay guys have nothing to do with. The fear is not essentially about sexual things but about emotional feeling, I do not know how it works between two guys, I’m used to understand the reactions of a girl but I cannot imagine those of a guy. To tell you the truth it’s not even so much the strictly sexual things that interest me, I wish above all a relationship of pampering, I’d like to fall asleep next to him, looking him right in the eyes and say I love you. Sometimes I felt stupid to want such things, but now I’m starting to think that there are a lot of guys like me. I would like to add one more thing and that is that I found very interesting the interviews on gay sexuality, I’ve read some with great curiosity and made me feel less alone.
Project, this is my msn (- omissis -), perhaps I’ll start by talking to you if you’re okay, then maybe … who knows … Answer me if you can, I’d love to chat.
See you soon. G. G.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-i-was-straight-and-i-have-to-learn-to-be-gay