This post will point out the concept of daily gay reality that often, if neglected, can lead to discomfort and dissatisfaction.
The life of each of us is a “unit” extremely complex and varied where multiple factors of a rational, emotional and sexual origin interact. The interactions are not always aware and are often not easy to understand. However, it remains as a basic postulate that the “well-being” is a category that covers all the entire life of a person. In this sense, talking about sexual or emotional well-being, is to lose sight of the unity of the person. This speech may sound very abstract, but from this, it comes, as a corollary, that any attempt to separate one element from others and consider them singularly produces by itself forms of discomfort. The interaction between the components of rational, emotional and sexual life depends largely on the relationships, that is, on the set of contacts and relations that the individual is able to establish and their performance, and in this sense we are deeply social animals.
Homosexuality is not a characteristic of sexuality but of the person. Any attempt to see homosexuality as purely sexual produces discomfort. To live well, homosexuality, as any form of sexuality, requires a strong affective component and a healthy dose of rationality. The affective component gives to sexuality its relational value, that is helps to consider it as a part of a relationship and even values it, that is gives it a specific value in order to improve couple’s partnership .
In sexuality, the typical effects of the lack of affective-relational component materialize to see homosexuality as a pure individual pleasure-seeking where the contact with the partner is only instrumental and the need to identify with standard patterns of behaviors is particularly strong. In these cases, sexuality has an essentially individual significance, even when it occurs in the life of the couple, and the imitative attitude is pleading the lack of sexual fantasy.
The typical effects of the lack of rational component, for a gay guy, are to continue to foster a love towards a straight guy despite knowing that he is a straight guy or towards a gay guy basically uninterested. In these cases, in the absence of a real rational control, falling in love is seen as an absolute individual value even if it is completely irrational, a value that must be grown even if in fact its relational implications will not be realized. Due to the lack of proper rational control returns however the idea of sexuality as a strictly individual dimension.
These concepts apply not only to the couple’s sexuality, these concepts apply also to masturbation that is not originally a search for an individual pleasure but is instead an attempt to build an interpersonal relationship, even if only projective. I used the adverb originally to refer to masturbation before the introduction of pornography, that is when masturbation always had a sentimental value because the masturbatory fantasies were projected on real people to whom was addressed also the love interest. In that situation (affective masturbation) the masturbation was really a way to live projective interpersonal relationships. Today, however, very often, emotional masturbation, i.e. the combination of masturbation and affection has given way to the association of masturbation and pornography. Statistics show that about 40% of people masturbation happens on average in 90% of cases looking at pornography. It is easy to understand how pornography has distorted the original meaning of masturbation. In fact, pornography has taken to masturbation its interpersonal and projective value and turned it into a pure form of individual satisfaction. When pornography, which is impersonal, replaces the presence of true sexual fantasies projected onto another person, sexuality loses much of its meaning. The masturbation on cam deserves a separate mention. Of course, to practice it with your boyfriend, that is with a guy who loves you beyond sex, gives this type of masturbation an affective valence because it is actually a real couple’s sex. To practice it instead with strangers, with whom there is no relationship except during masturbation on cam, just means considering the other person as a substitute of pornography, perhaps more challenging. In this case there is no emotional or communicative dimension at all.
Sexuality is a fundamental but also “ordinary” dimension of the life, it should have its daily life, that should be integrated in the individual’s life as one of many aspects and should not be marginalized or seen as transgression. Sexuality should have a size of tenderness rather than of escape from the daily life. Undoubtedly because of the fact that sexuality is still seen as a way to break the taboo of the forbidden, sexuality itself continues to remain in a shaded area, and talking about seriously remains a very difficult thing and prejudice and intolerance spread.
For a gay guy it’s certainly difficult to imagine living sexuality under ideal conditions. The limitations are a lot also for straight people, but for gay people the situation is particularly heavy. Before expecting that things will change starting from higher level, that is, at the legislative level, you should try to change them starting from your level, encouraging the growth of a new generation of gay people, more self-aware and therefore less substantially conditioned.
The key is the socialization, if the environment is a favorable environment. In this sense, it is essential to realize that beyond being gay many other aspects are important, it is essential to cultivate true friendships, to create a diffuse network that fosters relationships and widens communication. The friendship between gay guys has a value similar to that of the Internet, because it makes a group of people something other than an amount of separated individualities. Overcome solipsism is essential at all levels.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-reality-and-daily-life