Hello Project,

I read some of your articles and, at least in part, I found myself there. I am a gay middle-aged, 45 y.o., and I start to decline in everything. Let me know what you think of married (not at legal level) life between two gay men. I go out off a coexistence of six years, it was my second relationship, things have gone this time as the first time. Initial enthusiasm, then daily coexistence and here appear the first crunches, we try not to see, to patch things up, then we realize that we are incompatible from different points of view and at the end we separate, without hatred, a little bitterness if ever, then I come to the conclusion that in the end I’m better alone, not out of desperation or lack of ability, but only because I feel better so.

There are now six months we broke up and it seems to me like everything has just vanished into distant memory, sometimes he tells me about his new boyfriend, I listen as a friend, these things doesn’t even create problems neither forms of jealousy, now I can take care of my things, my hobbies, my friends, I can devote to work in a more committed way, and above all, I can put aside the idea of looking for a guy. It was an idea that has haunted me for years, I considered it as something without which I would have been bad, like was missing a part of myself, then I realized that actually two gay men can be together if and until there is a sexual interest that lasts a few months at most, or they can be together for convenience, which is not a bad thing, they can help each other, are friends and pretend to be in love.

What is love, Project? And what is love between two gay guys? I’ve never seen love, maybe affection, perhaps it’s the same thing, but even that is temporary. Maybe I’m searching for too much. By now I know gay people, know how they behave, I’m used to.  Beyond the idea of sexual attraction and that of friendship, in the end, why have we to put even that of love? These are myths that once moved into the brain of a guy affect his entire life. We’d start with the fact a thousand times occurred that sexual attractiveness, comes first, if it comes, then comes some affective interest. When sexual attraction vanishes, if all goes well, we just have a friendship a little bland.

I think it would be better to tell young gay guys that it is essential to have real friends and then, if it happens also the possibility of having a boyfriend, ok, but without building castles in the air, just starting by accepting that things that are going to happen are not to last forever. These things (and often are little things) seem to have an enormous importance because are mixed with a little sex, but then when you look in the mirror you see that you are just the same, however, the only things that remain are those on which we didn’t build castles in the air. I don’t write these things with bitterness, these things seem obvious, even if took me 25 years to understand!



If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:



  1. The gay world is very frustrating and I would agree. Too much is put on the physical appearance and not on the real person, which does not say much for the gay community in the wake of equal rights. We want our straight counterparts to see us as who we are , but we view each other by what looks good. That being said, I do believe in true love. I have tasted it, experienced it, relished in it, and was washed in it. My late parnter and I were together for 13 years until he passed away. I never understood the term soul mate until I met this man. Our love was deep and pure and we only had eyes for each other. Since then, I have not experienced it although Ive looked for it. But I do believe it is there and I hope to find it again one day

    • Thank you for your beautiful answer which I agree with completely. Every day I see beautiful examples of gay people of all ages who love each other. Unfortunately it is true that gay people’s attention is focused on other things, such as equality of rights (fundamental thing anyway) but, in this way, we lose sight of the fact that gay love is a profound relationship between two people before being a right to claim it!

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