it has been very important for me to talk to you last night. I had reached the limit of endurance, I was tired of asking myself so many questions. I’m gay, now I know very well, I got there at 21 y. o. but in the end I knew it all along. Despite all this, I feel destabilized. Before I had points of reference, I tried to conform perfectly to what others expected from me and I tried to feel completely perfect just putting aside my personality, or rather the most intimate part of me. Now I know what I want but a thousand fears held me back.
Project, I need someone to make me understand what it means to be gay, but also outside of the imagination, I need to figure out what a gay guy has to do to find friends, to feel at ease, not to do anything stupid. I feel very inexperienced, I don’t know at all what it really means to be gay and then I have never been in love and I miss a boyfriend very much. I do not know gay guys. I miss badly a chance to talk with gay guys, to understand who they are and what they think, to understand how they live their life, all their life, from relationships with parents up to sex. Instead I was always alone, always oppressed by the violent speeches of my father and the stupidity of my mother who is afraid of him and always agrees with him. My father thinks I’m less of him because I’m not aggressive, but I don’t want to be like him, it’s not a typical teenage rebellion, absolutely I cannot stand him, he seems incapable of reasoning. I have often been reproached that I live at their expenses, my father has always repeated ad nauseam that he worked at my age, but I want to finish my studies, because there is no real alternative.
The fact that I’m gay I keep it just for me, because my father about such a thing (as well as about all the others) is completely incapable of reasoning. My problem is not being gay but have two parents who consider me a burden and point it out whenever they can, as if without me their life could be a happy life!
I think between the two of them there is not even respect, not to mention loving. Mom is aware of being under the thumb of a violent man but does not rebel. Dad is convinced that he has married an idiot. I never understood why they got married, They certainly didn’t it for love. Since I was a child I always remember the same scenes, dad cries and mom is silent and bears all.
Coming out in the family, for me, is beyond the thinkable. I see guys who find support and respect from their parents and envy them deeply. I came to the conclusion that the problem is not being gay but living among puppets that do not have feelings or brain. I feel sorry for my father, I cannot hate him, he is not even a bad person, but he is incapable of thinking.
I would like to go away, I would like to be alone, away from everything and everyone, and I would like to start from scratch in a normal place, with a normal family or no family at all, and perhaps it would be even better. Do you think it’s normal that I have to vent to you? Yet you answered me in a serious way, although in practice you don’t know me at all. With my parents it is better to let it go before you begin. Be born into such a family (?) is a disgrace, but it must also happen to someone and it happened to me. I’m as much as possible out of the house, almost always at the university, I go out in the morning and come back late at night. I want to go away, Project, I don’t want end up suffocated in this foul air. I want at least to try to be myself. I wish I had gay friends, I would go every now and then to have a pizza with them. I’m not even thinking about a boyfriend, now I just want a little normal life.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-i-dream-of-a-normal-gay-life