I am a 24 y. o. guy, I’m told to be a nice guy, at least the girls are convinced. I’ve always been a sportsman 360° from football to athletics, swimming, volleyball. I should finish my studies quickly and start my professional activity that with sport has nothing to do and, to be honest, I do not like, but now I’m too far to change course. In short, a little unexpectedly, just to have some money in my pocket I started working as a trainer in a gym 24 hours a week. This is a serious job and sometimes even stressing, they put me in good standing with a good contract and regularly pay the contributions to the Social Security. I think that work is very important for people like me who maybe could wait years before really starting earning. The gym is large and also has a pool, in practice it is a sports center in all respect. The coaches are several, both men and women and then there are inspectors sent by the administration who come to see how you work and based on what you do you are moved from one course to another according to your professional skills. I started with the elderly, over 50, I originally had to deal with only those, not exactly the best for a coach, that’s why inspectors give over 50 groups the last hired, now I work 12 hours with over 50 and 12 hours with a group 18 to 24 y. o., practically my age, I spend a half of the 12 hours doing general gymnastics, girls and guys together, the other half is spent working on the strength training machines divided into men and women. I also have the task of accompanying guys to external athletic fields when they go for races or for selections, and for such things they pay me apart, but it is usually a single morning per week or every 15 days. All this would be commonplace, you work and you work very seriously and are checked and you earn well, doing something you like and for which you are led to the point that I was thinking of slowing down the university’s commitment, I do not like at all, to devote myself entirely to the coach activity, because for a gay guy the sports center environment is really rewording, I’m just fine with the guys, there is a very warm and pleasant climate, and then non-competitive sporting environments or the competitive ones but at medium-low level, like this one, are quiet and I would say also clean from all points of view. The nakedness in the locker room doesn’t create any embarrassment neither that of others nor mine, I’m so used to these things that I don’t care at all. The changing rooms are divided by gender but I’m only there for a short time because I have very well determined training times for each group, I happen to be there more frequently in the mornings when guys go to the stadium but there isn’t any embarrassment at all. What I would like to talk about is something different and refers to a guy 22 y. o. who comes to train with me in the gym and caused me a little embarrassment. I was his coach from January to March, then the administration changed my working shifts and I went to another group with different times. He knew and changed group and times in order to have anyhow me as a coach. When I saw him I was pleased and he told me that he had changed because for him times of my group were the most comfortable, and I didn’t ask any explanation. I am convinced that Daniel, let’s call Daniel, has changed his group to be with me. I don’t mind at all, in fact, by the way he’s also a nice guy, but I do not know what to do, I do not know how to behave. He’s a little clumsy, not with training machines, nay he’s well trained, but speaks very little, is very shy, when he is with others, sometimes he smiles but smiles just for politeness. In the gym usually guys form pairs of friends, but he tends to stand aside, even with me speaks very little but when I congratulate him he smiles at me in a way that touches me strongly, This is a behavior that definitely has a meaning, he wants to communicate something but I do not know how to break the ice. For the rest everything is perfectly normal, he takes shower with other guys, because once I looked at him “as if” casually, he talks with others about generic issues and maybe some talk goes deeper than on technical issues referring to the training. Project, what can I do? With Daniel I feel embarrassed, I would like to talk with him but I am always at the wrong place at the wrong time, on the contrary I’m very breezy with others but never with him! This puts me in a crisis and I think he is aware of these things. Only once, at the stadium, I was able to exchange a few words with him, our talking was very slow and difficult, but very significant, the contents were vague, elusive, but you could see the desire to continue talking. The whole thing lasted no more than 15 minutes, a very long time for Daniel. Who is Daniel? I do not know, I do not know anything about him. It seems like a great guy and I would like to know more about him. I tell you, Project, I do not care whether he’s gay or straight but I would like to have a role in his life, even a minor role, but a real role. I do not know if I’m in love with Daniel, for other guys I took heavy crushes, Daniel is a different thing, how do I explain it? I wish he were well, this is the center of the whole thing. If he changed group and times to be with me, as I think, there must be a reason. Lately here something else happened that made fell happy. One day they closed down the gym for technical checks and had to tell guys that the training was moved and coaches had to call guys. When I called Daniel it was not like when I called the others, the call lasted a few seconds more and was not at all formal, the other usually say “oh, ok, thank you,” and that’s it, he said “… I’m pleased to hear you … I understand, ok, bye!” the voice wanted to communicate something and I told him: “I’m pleased too! See you tomorrow Danny! ” You can tell me that are just platitudes and that I’m building a castle on these things, but the feeling I have is that are not trivial things. How do you break the ice in such a situation? I feel embarrassed and at the same time I think that with this guy I could create a serious relationship, to what degree I do not know, but something as it should be, this causes me a feeling of immense tenderness, it’s not a sexual interest in the sense that it’s given usually to this expression, I would hug him, I’d like to let him know that I’m here, that I think about him, but I would not be intrusive, I would respect all his privacy. I’m not used to this kind of relationships. With the guys I knew before, even those straight, for which I had lost my mind, in the end it wasn’t difficult to get to an explicit talking, with Daniel everything is in a situation almost of stalemate, there are small movements or at least this is my impression: a smile a bit more casual, some exchange of glances (what a thrill when it happens!) and then his physical presence that began to be desired, I can’t wait for the days when I work out with him. Usually others sometimes take time off, he never does. When we do general gymnastics with mixed group, he always takes place on the far left and in the moments before and after the training does not talk to anyone neither with girls nor with guys. Some girl tried to exchange a few words with him, but were just a few words. Now, when he is present, I feel less relaxed with other guys, as if I thought that maybe I would bother him and therefore I keep a more formal behavior with other guys. This means to fall in love? I do not know, of course it’s all very different from other situations I experienced, it’s all very slow but nonetheless I feel a strange sense of security, I don’t know what to do but I have the idea or rather the clear feeling that it is one important thing, a contact of another kind, perhaps, but anyhow something real, I know he is there, I have no doubt, I do not know what to he could expect from me, but I know that for him I’m somehow important and perhaps more than just a little. I did not do anything to discourage him in any situation, on the contrary I let him know that I would like to create a stronger relationship. On the one hand he tends to escape, but for the other I have the distinct impression that he is very tempted to take a step forward. But, Project, there are gay guys like Daniel? I didn’t ever find one like this. Is it really possible that he is afraid? And fear of what, then? I try to show him first of all my absolute respect and my sympathy and maybe I’d take a step forward in terms of exchanging a few words or have a drink after workout, because in the end it could also be done, I do not see what he should be afraid for. And if, as I think he was the one to take the first step, that is changing the group, why did he stop at the first step? Whatever he wants from me it would still make sense to try to get it. But I behave with him exactly the same way. I would hate to lose a great possibility only because of mutual, apparently relevant but totally unjustified fears. Now I got his mobile number, because when I called to move training shifts I saved his mobile number, I’d like to call or send a text message, but I do not, I’m afraid of being intrusive. Project, I have never behaved like that before, I’ve never been so hesitant. I think if nothing has changed until Christmas, I’ll send a text message for wishes to all the guys of the group, but I’d send him a different message, a little more personal, at least I think I can do that. This guy is very important to me, Project, sometimes I dream that we have really broken the ice and how nice it would be staying close to each other, being able to cuddle a bit and see that he is happy. I wonder if I’m raving or maybe in a year things will even go as I would like. What is certain is that I find myself thinking often to Daniel but with affection, tenderness, it’s a very sweet thought, I remember his smile, the hesitation in his voice on the phone. With the other guys I never experienced such things, it was all much easier and much faster, and above all, I never felt the same sense of tenderness I feel for him and I start to think that in the end what I’m experiencing now is really love, something sweet that I had never felt before. Project, I’ writing this post because reading your blog I had the feeling that you could understand the real meaning of what I’m experiencing now, and then I want you to publish it, I think it would be nice if Daniel, reading your blog, could find our story! I dream to be so!
A big hug.
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