GAY SEX FANTASIES AND OBSESSIVE CONTENTS

I dedicate this post to take stock of some delicate situations that have arisen with some frequency recently talking in chat about issues related to sexual orientation with guys who, after a longer or shorter period of heterosexuality, began to feel, especially during masturbation, the presence of gay content. If it is true that the masturbatory fantasies are the first indicator of sexual orientation, it’s also true that not all homosexual contents that may emerge, even during masturbation, are really masturbatory fantasies. Keep in mind that the masturbatory fantasies should not be confused with two other typical categories of homosexual content, i.e. with abstract thoughts and phobic-obsessive contents. Let’s try to characterize these categories to make easier to distinguish and identify them.

1) A sexual fantasy is a fantasy, normally associated with sexual arousal, i.e. erection, or which would lead to the erection if there wasn’t a rational control to suppress it. Sexual fantasies are experienced as rewarding, both at physiological (erection) and a psychological level. Sexual fantasies are induced by specific situations experienced as sexually exciting, or by the memory of similar situations or events that make memories resurface. Sexual fantasies are grown by the person who dwells them spontaneously and voluntarily because lives them as rewarding.

2) Masturbation fantasies are sexual fantasies that accompany masturbation, therefore are sexual fantasies particularly exciting, in function of which is maintained for a long time an erection in the act of masturbation. Even gay guys who do not accept themselves nevertheless perceive sexually at physiological and psychological level their gay sexual fantasies as pleasant fantasies against which they “must” resist but against which there is no evidence of any deep feeling of repulsion or spontaneous rejection. I mean that a guy who does not accept himself as a gay or finds it hard to accept not only doesn’t feel any rejection to gay sexuality but is attracted towards it. Somehow he tries to rationally resist the temptation of gay fantasies that still have for him a remarkable attraction. The emergence of gay sexuality is seen as the realization of something new with which to be reckoned but never really as a something repellent or disgusting  and even less as a foreign reality become invasive and pervasive.

3) Abstract fantasies are representations of situations which could theoretically lead to a sexual involvement, that for other persons would constitute a real sexual fantasy or even a masturbatory fantasy, but which in this case is not accompanied by any form of sexual arousal. The abstract fantasies are the manifestation of non-repellency to some sexual content, but doesn’t represent in any case an index of sexual involvement or of sexual orientation. The abstract fantasies are not produced by really sexually involving episodes or by the memory of such episodes, are a figment purely rational and do not involve the physiological sexuality. It often happens that the gay guys who do not accept themselves try to validate their hypothetical heterosexual identity on the basis of abstract fantasies. It should be noted that the abstract fantasies, even if they relate to situations potentially involving at sexual level, don’t have for the person who feeds them any actual sexual value. It is clear that the abstract fantasies are not experienced by the person as rewarding nor as disturbing, can only be reassuring but only at rational level, generally, at emotional level, do not solve the anxiety.

4) The phobic-obsessive sexual contents are contents that occur automatically and in uncontrollable situations, or with sexual fantasies which are not directly related to them. These  are contents that cause concern, rightly or wrongly, persons are afraid of these thoughts that  tend to recur in an obsessive and deeply disturbing way. The phobic-obsessive contents are not the subject of sexual fantasies, in the sense that the person does not dwell on deliberately seeking gratification, on the contrary perceives them as a foreign element whose presence tends to slowly invade all areas of affective and relational life. Sexual fantasies have deep roots in previous experience, on the contrary phobic-obsessive contents emerge unexpectedly and tend to stabilize creating considerable mental suffering. It has to be underlined that the meaning of obsessive phobic contents is often linked not to real individual experience but to archetypes coming from educational approach, which have been consolidated over time as prejudices deeply assimilated. It should be emphasized that the negativity of such contents when the person relates them to himself, does not mean intolerance or rejection of similar situations related to other persons. For example, a straight guy, very open to gay people and having gay friends, who therefore does not present any kind of homophobia or social intolerance toward gay people, may as well develop phobic-obsessive gay content.

To clarify the issue I’ll give two examples:

Situation n. 1

A 25 year old guy, with a totally straight past  both at emotional and sexual level, writes: “I’m afraid to be gay because from a little time now I have gay sexual fantasies, I would imagine that a man takes me with violence but I consider just repellent I the idea of having sex with a man. Maybe I’m repressing my homosexuality, but when I start to think of a girl I like, inevitably returns to my head the idea that someone comes along and takes me by force and I cannot even masturbate thinking about a girl because the idea of ​​being gay haunts me, but I never thought about a man with any sexual interest, at any level.”

Analysis of Situation n. 1

a) The guy is afraid, afraid of being gay.

b) Those which he calls sexual fantasies are actually phobic-obsessive contents, absolutely not rewarding and deeply disturbing and experienced as foreign thoughts invading the field.

c) In conclusion, the picture seems to rule out the possibility of a gay man who struggles to accept himself.

Situation n. 2

A 21 year old guy wrote: “I’ve always been straight, but is a bit of time that I look at the guys with another eye, it is becoming almost an obsession, if I think about it excites me, I try to repress myself in every way but sometimes I just cannot, and I masturbate thinking about a guy and then I feel bad because I do not feel gay and when I think about my future I see it in my own family. And then thinking about my life with a girl makes me feel good, that’s exactly what I want.”

Analysis of Situation . 2

a) Those which he calls obsessions are actually true masturbatory fantasies against which the guy tries to resist rationally in the name of a presumed heterosexuality.

b) Heterosexuality is present only through abstract fantasies like seeing himself into the future in a family or through the abstract feel of being comforted by the thought of living with a girl.

c) In conclusion, the picture seems to indicate that this is a gay guy who doesn’t accept himself.

Among the most frequent causes of the presence of phobic-obsessive gay content in the sexuality of young heterosexuals can be mentioned:

a) The prevalence of the sexual dimension with respect to the affective one in the context of a heterosexual relationship, which makes the relationship unsatisfactory and feeds performance anxieties.

b) The refusal encountered by some young girls from which the straight guy was strongly attracted. The rejection depresses self-esteem.

c) Having spent his childhood and adolescence experiencing the discomfort of being pointed out as gay in a totally wrong way.

In both cases analyzed we can find the obsessive suspicion that failure may result from some form of latent homosexuality in process of emergence. The guy before going to a sexual contact with a girl or before masturbating, warns that phobic-obsessive contents are there lurking, and this fact implies that the sexual experience is heavily affected by anxiety with an outcome of failure or unsatisfactory erection and low emotional involvement that contribute to consolidating the phobic-obsessive contents. Also common in these situations is the sexual experimentation. The guy tests himself to evaluate the response of his sexuality in straight and gay similar situations, trying for example to masturbate with similar fantasies in both gay and straight field. Since it is not true sexuality, because it lacks the spontaneity that is the backbone of sexuality, these experiments are also disappointing and sometimes a prelude to a complete denial of sexuality both gay and straight. In such situations it is counterproductive to push a guy to examine himself thoroughly looking for reasons. It happens very often that sexuality is the target and not the cause of phobic-obsessive thoughts. If the phobic-obsessive disorders are reactive that is they were born in reaction to very stressful anxiety-provoking situations, they will weaken when the situations that have produced them will be over. Typical examples are those of guys who have disorders of this kind when they live in family and surpass them when they are in a university college. Often, the cause must be sought in areas not related to sexuality: loss of job, fear of losing his girlfriend. As in many situations of psychological distress is advisable to encourage socialization, so that the obsessive thoughts have less space and above all to avoid the feeling that obsessive thoughts could affect the entire relational sphere. Basically, the way to deal with phobic-obsessive content can be summarized as follows: many are afraid of ghosts, and so do not leave the house, the ghosts do not exist, but the fear of ghosts can be crippling. How do you treat the obsessive fear of ghosts? Becoming aware that ghosts do not exist! Referring the reasoning to the obsessive idea of ​​being gay experienced by straight guys, how can you overcome it? There is only one way and that is to realize that thoughts that return several times in your mind and make you feel anxious are not sexual fantasies that suggest homosexuality but are just obsessive thoughts in which homosexuality is not present as such, but only as fear of homosexuality. And where homosexuality is not present in objective terms it makes no sense to be afraid of it.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:  http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=39

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