The word “gay” is gradually losing its negative value and has at least the merit of being a term not para-scientific-looking and of being now (and probably increasingly in the future) a neutral word. On the contrary the word homosexuality in its para-scientific and definitional appearance, focuses on gay sexuality and creates in the mind of the listener the idea that being gay is essentially a question of sexuality and because often people identify for “sexuality” not, as it should be, an essential aspect of the human beig intrinsically linked with the personality as a whole but simply a sexual behavior, the use of the word “homosexual” feeds the belief that a homosexual is characterized essentially by his sexual behavior.
From here comes a long series of studies, assumed “objective”, that tend to evaluate the gay phenomenon, even and mostly in terms of statistics, on the basis of sexual behavior “objectively assessable”. In fact, for a few issues such as for being gay must be applied an essentially subjective criterion that is that you haven’t to consider gay who has sexual behaviors that conform to a predetermined stereotype of gay sexuality but those who really feel gay, i.e. it is a problem of identity irreducible to objectively observable behaviors.
In this sense, there are people who have behaved and behave currently according to what some authors consider typically gay but do not feel gay at all and there are people who feel deeply gay who never behave nor have behaved according to an hypothetical gay behavior defined a priori or even, for various reasons, behave even according to what in the abstract could be considered strictly straight.
This premise tends to make it clear that being gay is not reducible to a typical sexual behavior but pertains to the sphere of pre-behavioral deep affectivity that is the sphere of affectivity in a broad sense, rather than to that of sexuality in a more specific sense.
Talking with guys you can see that their first concern is not of a sexual nature but of affective nature in a broad sense, in order to create a significant emotional relationship with a guy, even with a straight guy, to create a climate of trust and mutual respect in which they can be finally themselves, to find an emotional response without hesitation and be able to start a relationship based on the idea of finally being a couple.
A guy 16 y. o. posted among the questionnaires on gay sexuality very significant responses:
How did I try to realize my emotions/sexuality: “falling in love, giving all myself to the guy I love”.
My current emotional situation: “I love, I believe, a guy in my class, I lose my mind for him, and I always think I’ going to cry thinking about him, to his face, I want him with all my soul”.
My degree of emotional satisfaction: “The worst, just like a lonely dog and living dreams, hopes and illusions but there are lots of disappointments”.
My degree of sexual satisfaction: “I never had sex, I would only have with the guy I love …”.
The weight of sex in my emotional world: “I don’t know … I think that would be normal, I would need more hugs and kisses to deal with such things”.
What I want from my boyfriend: “Sweetness, passion, understanding, trust and above all sincerity”.
What I think I can give to my boyfriend: “I would give my life if necessary”.
My desires in relation to my love/sex life: “Be engaged to the guy of my dreams … Love demands everything and has the right to do so”.
My frustrations with regard to my love life/sex life: “So many, I’m afraid of losing him, of no more finding him along my journey, I’ll regret not trying, but I’m shy and in this world you never know how people might react … ”
What I would like to know about the love/sex life of the other gay guys: “All, their lives, their stories, their relationships with their families, friends, what does it mean to be loved by someone, whoever he is, because according to me love is all, is not selfishness between two people as stated A. De La Salle”.
The answers of this guy are crystal clear, not clouded by a spirit of compromise and represent, without contamination, the true deeper basic desires of a gay guy.
In relation to the questions “What I would like from my boyfriend / What I think I can give to my boyfriend” questionnaires show illuminating answers:
Time, especially sweetness.
The possibility of a stable coexistence, stability, happiness.
Being really loved: that is, being together forever and always wanting to be together, that he knows how to make me laugh, to hug me when I want to, to cuddle a little, he could bear me when needed and so on. (I am an ambitious guy). I could give him what? Well, I say all myself!
That we do a lot of cuddling, sincerity, love, cooperation.
I don’t know what to say other than what already he gives me. I appreciate his loyalty, his sense of respect, he’s never overwhelming. He also has many other qualities, he’s just a bit stubborn but that’s ok! I hope to give him a love life happy and peaceful with the enthusiasm to start each day as if it was the first we spend together.
That we can accept each other for who we are, that we can say everything with naturalness and sincerity, that we can do whatever we like to do never mind what people think. If you love someone you give him everything you can if he wants it. The most precious thing would be the sincerity, but it is necessary that your partner wants it and can accept it. Unfortunately I don’t feel so my current relationship.
Affection, I feel so banal, almost girlish, but living love would be great. Sometimes I’m a heavy weight but I love to be dragged.
I’ve never been in love, but always for my personal defenses, now that I have lowered that defenses I fell much more emotional and less cynical.
Depth, and I could teach him to look at life from different points of view.
To continue to grow in his wonderful and unique way and to be so intricately contradictory and difficult, in short he is the person who is always the one that excites me and I love him and I wish I never lacked his presence. I hope to give him everything he needs to be fully himself.
Sincerity and honesty of mind and of relationship, attention, cuddling and sex, trust, listening and understanding.
That he would never be tired of my continual changes of life path for the future. Love and trust.
LOVE, LOVE AND LOVE AGAIN … A life partner, a friend, a lover. A person to consult in difficult times, with whom I will never feel alone. I’d be like a strong shoulder for him to cry on and he would be the same for me. We would support each other.
First of all I would like to have a boyfriend. I’d give him all the love of the world.
Affection, attention and loyalty. I want an honest relationship, based on trust, understanding and also on a nice physical appearance. I would give him the same things that my boyfriend should give me.
I wish I could say anything, I want each of us could be an open book with the other, I wish he was sweet and understanding and, no matter if it seems trivial, but I really need someone who deeply understands my feelings. I would do the same for him, I would always be by his side to do every little thing that is in my power to make him feel good. I could give him sweetness as I have never done with anyone else. Simply this: my love.
Tenderness, availability, friendliness, openness, pampering but also determination. Lots of love, affection, but also fun, fun!
Happiness, joy and feel alive and loved.
Sincerity, happiness, be treated with care. I’d give myself to him to the fullest and I would love him certainly more than he would.
Sincerity and loyalty, the same things that I would like from his part.
Sincerity, do I ask for too much? … Well then I’m selfish! I’d give all myself to my boyfriend, if he is sincere.
A stable relationship, entertainment, discussion, dialogue, sweetness, and even sex at will.
Affection, kindness, understanding, all the love that I could give him, could be quite obvious and stupid, but for me it is the best …
Sincerity, the rest comes by itself. I will try to give what I would like to have.
Sweetness and protection, availability and sweetness, in any situation, I would give my life for the person I love.
I think these responses give a clear idea of the importance the affectivity has in the relationship between two gay guys beyond any theoretical discourse.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-affectivity-and-gay-love