I’m Maurice, I’m 24, I’m going to finish my studies and I hope to find work soon, I’d say within a couple of years. I am writing this email because I am in a situation that I do not know how to handle or perhaps know.
I know I’ve always been gay, I never had any doubts about it and not even special psychological problems, I considered being gay something absolutely natural. I knew that with my family I could not speak out in any case and in the school and then in the university I had to be very careful not to talk too much about my things. I never had true friends, classmates, sport mates, certainly yes, but never friends with whom to confide, I must say that I was so armored that this not caused me any problems.
I’ve always been shy even though I practiced sports since I was very young. I mean not that I am ashamed of being seen naked or anything like that but I think that sexuality is a very private thing that one should keep to himself. The idea of having sex with a guy always embarrassed me a little.
Until a few months ago I had never had sex with anyone and had never suffered from this fact, I was living my sexuality just masturbating and letting my imagination roam free. Maybe I was also unprepared for a couple exeprience because in practice, for fear of diseases, I had always considered the idea so far away from me that I had deleted it from my horizon.
I want to emphasize that I don’t restrain myself from having my sexual fantasies about some guy, however, between the dreams and the real sexual experience with a guy there is a great difference.
Ok, I also used the cam to have some virtual sex with guys, with one in particular. It lasted more than a month, then he disappeared into thin air. However this is only the introduction.
Six months ago I met a guy at university, his name is Maurice like me, which is rare, he is handsome and inspires me tenderly, seems uncomfortable and out of place in any situation, even his voice is hesitant but warm, deep. I get lost in his eyes. In short, I fell in love with Maurice, but in a classic way I didn’t know if he’s gay and I tried to find out. With the girls he was very easy, joking a lot with them, but I knew him too little to understand what he had in mind.
I started a prudent approach maneuver, he didn’t run away, never wanted to be prayed to be close to me, to talk on the phone or on msn and eventually also to pass together on Sunday. At the end I tell him that I’m gay, obviously he had already understood it, he tells me that he is gay, I think that this is the premise to go ahead but he tells me to be madly in love with another guy that also I had knew. I tell him that I think that that guy is straight and he tells me that he’s perfectly aware of that but is literally addicted to that guy. He had already told him that he was gay and in love with him, but the guy responded brutally that he had better look somewhere else.
After that evening Maurice often called me on Sunday on the cell phone but always and only to talk about that guy and to tell me that he felt uncomfortable. Some evenings he was deeply depressed and said things that put me in anxiety and that made me feel bad too. We went on like this for quite some time, then he began to court me. I liked seeing how much he wanted me and he showed me really his involvement and his tenderness but I had to overcome my problems with sex that I had thought I would never overcome.
Slowly we began to embrace, to caress. For me it was something totally new, that’s why I told him I did not want to have sex with him because I was afraid of diseases, he told me that he had never had sex with anyone but I told him that I wanted to be sure and he said: “Let’s go for the test tomorrow if you want .” And we did really. Three days later I had no more excuses.
I must say that I never thought about having sex with a guy in a so sweet way. I felt his love very strong and also his sexual involvement and slowly I let myself go and I knew that having sex with a guy is really a beautiful thing: spontaneity without bias.
Then when we were going home he begins to cry and I do not understand why. I do not know what to do, I try to comfort him but it’s impossible, he cries violently, then he calms down a bit and tells me he was thinking about that guy, he was fine with me, but he wanted to be with that guy. I repeat that the guy is certainly straight and that he could not build any relationship with him as he imagined. He tells me that he’s aware of that, but that’s all wrong, that he had had sex with me but he was not in love with me.
He feels inconsistent, lost in his thoughts, unable to reason and just prey of a passion that’s eating him inside. He tells me that he certainly deluded me, that he made me believe that he loved me but he is not in love with me. I tell him that I do not feel upset and that I love him, that I will love him even if he will go away with another guy. He says that sex is important to him and that I made him to forget that he cannot love anyone but this feeling always comes back, and I was able to make him to forget it just for a few hours. I shake strongly his hands in mine and he calms.
In the days after that evening the university life continues as usual, as if nothing had happened between us. He is again lost in his fantasies for the straight guy and I can see it very well. Maurice does not think of me, but just of that guy, or at least it seems that way.
Then he calls me un a Saturday night and tells if I want to see him. Also this time we lived together a wonderful sexual experience, the real experience of love. In those things we understand each other. I never thought that such a thing would happen.
Then we talk very seriously and I begin to understand what thoughts Maurice always carries within himself, he tells me about his melancholy and that he tries to stay out of his house as much as possible. In those moments I could almost imagine the soul of Maurice and what he lived as a child. I had never spoken to anyone at that level of depth. When we said goodbye, he was quiet.
Since then we have been together for a long time. He kept saying he was fine with me, completely at ease but that was not in love with me but the more he repeated it to me the more I felt in love with him. His happiness, or at least his serenity was basically my only thought, he would never got what he wanted but I needed to be at least his lifesaver his second choice, and not just because he was in love with a straight guy. if he were in love with a gay guy and had sex with that guy I would have loved him anyway.
In recent times we meet less frequently but when it happens I perceive his very strong presence and his very strong sexuality. I can’t foresee the future but I and Maurice have something that will keep us somehow in love, even though perhaps each of us will go his way. Is this love? Frankly, until a few months ago I would have considered these things absurd and incredible but really happened and now I think that are true forms of love. I learned from Maurice what it means to love, now I’m no more able to worry about myself, I just think I would see him happy!
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=51