GAY SEX AND MANY DOUBTS

Hello Project,
I stopped sending you e-mails from a lot of time, but last year we have been often in contact and talking to you has been very useful. Today I am sending you this email because new things have happened and I think I could talk seriously with you about those things.

I signed up on a dating site, I know you disagree but I saw almost no other opportunity to get in touch with gay guys. I tried before without putting any photos, but none sent me messages and then I decided to put a picture of me, a real photo, not the face, in practice a naked torso to just below the waist. You know that I have been training in the gym for years and you also know well of my adventures, or I should better say of my unilateral infatuations for a guy I had met at the gym, but now this is an old story.

At 22 years old, now I’m pretty proud of myself and I think that people can enjoy very much one of my photos. Ok, I know I’m a bit too proud of my body, but I am committed to my exercises a lot. After I put the picture, things changed, I received many messages, most of them only sexual and very vulgar. I did not even answer, just waiting for something different. Is it possible that there isn’t another guy like me on the dating site? Is it possible that they are all old and mad with sex!

Then I received a message witty, ironic that joked on my body. Obviously the message intrigued me, it came from a guy 23 y. o. who lives in twenty-five miles from my home town. He also put photos on the site but much more explicit than mine. Project, I’d say a false thing if I told you that those photos haven’t caught my attention, they have drawn me a lot! And then belonged to a guy who had sent me a message. I responded trying to keep a playful and ironic tone but, I confess, in my response, I also included a small reference to his photos.

He responded by sending me his msn and asked me to join him there. I was hoping that we could do something on cam, but when I tried to start a video call, msn told me that his cam was not connected, I asked him to plug it in and he answered me that really he hadn’t any cam. We talked a little. I quote here a part of the conversation:

gay elf wrote: Andrew, you wanted the cam to have a little sex?

Andrew wrote: no … well … I feel embarrassed … yes, ok, even for that, however, you too, why did you put those pictures on the site?

gay elf wrote: I put them because for me sex is a very important thing in a relationship, if there isn’t a strong push of this kind you cannot go anywhere.

Andrew wrote: but did you meet many guys through the dating site?

gay elf wrote: more than someone

Andrew wrote: and did you have you sex with them?

gay elf wrote: yes with someone, and you?

Andrew wrote: I have just joined but I do not look for sex, I would like to find a serious guy to build something together

gay elf wrote: … and the first thing you ask him is if he has a cam?

Andrew wrote: but you always have to put me in trouble?

gay elf wrote: however I have a cam, if you want to connect let’s go but do not tell me I’m the one who goes searching for sex, okay?

Andrew wrote: quiet! I’m not telling it!

gay elf wrote: That’s it! This is me! (he stood up to be seen, but was fully clothed)

Andrew wrote: It’s Showtime! You’re a really nice guy! (I too stood up to show me)

gay elf wrote: you really are very muscular! Congratulations! But now, come on, turn off the cam!

Andrew wrote: Why’s that? No, come on! Leave it on!

I expected it would come immediately to masturbate on cam but it did not happen. He was playing with me like a cat plays with a mouse, wanted to be prayed, he wanted me to insist but I didn’t want to listen to him and we went on for almost an hour one to wait for the moves of the other, to see who would make the first false step, then he relented.

gay elf wrote: ok, I begin to show me! (He stood up and took off his sweater, shirt and undershirt)

Andrew wrote: Nice!

gay elf wrote: What are you waiting for?

Andrew wrote: Ok ok! (I’m also shirtless)

gay elf wrote: Damn if you’re a nice guy!

Project, I’ll spare you the rest, but you can understand how it ended up. After something like that I was literally in orbit, I felt happy, I had won my taboo and I had found a guy that I really liked and I started to fantasize about that guy. We say goodbye, I felt really light, flying in a fantastic and beautiful dimension.

In the evening I try to look back on msn but he is not online, I feel upset, then I calm down, try again late at night, but he isn’t there and not even the next morning and all the next day. I feel badly frustrated and disappointed, in the following days he cannot be found.

Eleven days after, finally, he sends me a message through the dating site. He doesn’t even respond to messages that I had sent, but wrote directly: “Do you want to be with me tonight?” I feel upset, I try to answer: “But where have you been all this time? I tried to contact you in any way, but where have you been? You made me feel anxious for so many days! “He don’t even respond to my questions but insists:” So, do you want or not? “The temptation is great, and I say yes, in practice it is my first time with a guy.

We go to a motel at the first exit of the highway, a neutral place, neither his nor mine. In the car I try to ask him again why he disappeared that way, but he tells me I’m whining and I do not have to be jealous like girls do. I ask him if he ever had a girlfriend and he says that he currently has a girlfriend but that she is not enough for him. I ask if she knows, he answers: “Are you kidding?” The situation embarrasses me a lot.

When we go in the room, he is tender with me, not aggressive at all. In short, Project, it was a night I will never forget, I felt pampered, surrounded by the full attention. Everything happened so very sweet. I told him that I did not like anal penetration neither one way nor the other and he said, “Ok, no problem! You have to be perfectly at ease. I told him that I was afraid of the diseases and in practice we limited ourselves to mutual masturbation without oral sex. this fact didn’t create problems at all. We were embraced a lot of time touching each other freely, in short, for me it was a bit like going into a trance, then in the morning we separated and I started having many doubts.

This time too he disappeared for about two weeks and I kept all that time to ask me a thousand questions without being able to find any answer, I’m afraid that he goes with many other guys, I’d say I’m almost sure, and then the girl! I cannot understand how is it possible to have a girlfriend and go have sex with guys and then it was not even stupid sex , having sex with him was a really nice thing. Project, should I worry about all these things?

Until now it happened three times (his disappearing). Sexually I’m fine with him, it is clear that he does not want performances from me, for him I’m not an object, at least at the level of sex, but a guy that has to be comfortable and to be happy with what he does. But with this guy I do not even have a minimum of dialogue, I do not know anything about him, I do not know where he goes when disappears and do not know what he thinks. I’d say that at sexual level he would be more or less the guy of my dreams but I’m afraid to wake up from these dreams and find myself in front of a total stranger. What am I to this guy?

Andrew
p. s. If you want, you can post this mail on your blog.

_______

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=52

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