I am sending you a fragment of my diary; feel free to post it on your forum if you like. I am 66 years old, I read your forum with some interest, I recently read articles that also speak about old people and with respect, so I decided to have my say.
December 16, 2010; Thursday.
Wake up at 6:30, I close the alarm before it sounds, I usually wake up five minutes before the alarm, then I do not get up, just I see the time passing, it is a precise sequence of events, at 6:45 you hear the discharge of the toilet upstairs, then the sound of the shower. At seven o’clock my neighbor comes out and slams the door, then I hear footsteps on the stairs, but I do not get up, I do not have to go to work, I have relaxed paces, get out of bed at eight, and then go to the bathroom and there I allow myself a luxury, the hot tub which is really a great comfort, even if I have to be careful when I step over the edge to keep from falling. I rest in the tub about half an hour, I do not measure it but go out when the water begins to cool, today it has cooled earlier than usual because it is terribly cold. I love slippers, long dressing gowns and also the warm hat, because inside my house in the morning, in winter, it is cold. I put on home clothing and go to sit down in a chair in front of the PC.
An eye to the mail, but nobody writes to me, if I have nothing to do I lay back on the bed until nine. At nine o’clock I get dressed to go out, practically on certain days I have to self-impose it, like today, I go to the bar for breakfast, cappuccino and brioche, a different type each day. When it isn’t cold I take a little walk, always in the same places, but today I came straight home, I took the mail in the box, I put on my home clothing, opened the bills to pay and put them in a drawer where I put all the things to deal with, then I switched to prepare the washing machine, as I usually do on Friday, a few things because I’m alone and I do not have many needs, I removed all the clothing that require daily washing and ironing, no shirts if not for special occasions, turtlenecks for the winter and light blouses for the summer.
At ten o’clock I went out for shopping and also to move a little my old car which for me is a luxury almost completely useless because I’m not going anywhere. I go to the supermarket to pick up heavy supplies on Fridays. The other days I go to buy something nearby with a small shopping cart, no one notices it because I’m an old man. I spend over an hour at the supermarket. The supermarket is huge and in the morning is almost empty. I am fascinated by the objects for the house, I saw a marble mortar that I really liked and would be ideal for making pesto, which I like, but then I said it would be yet another useless object and I let it go. At the supermarket in the morning I always go to the same checkout, where there is a guy who is really nice and treats me well, smiling, his name is Francis, I know it because it’s written on the tag. Francis was there today, I’m aware that I’m just an old man and I’m upset putting things in great haste into the bags and then he does it for me (for the others he does not do so) I thank him and end that’s all.
At 11.30 I was at home, I have been cooking for more than an hour cannelloni with spinach and ricotta 24 cannelloni, I took off two, the others I made them cool and put them in the freezer with the label and the date, then I defrosted in the microwave the chicory and baked potatoes. I buy he bread on Friday at the supermarket and I freeze it and it’s enough for me for a week. I eat meat rarely, I buy fruit every day close to my home and I use it a lot. Very little wine, a bottle of 750 is enough for me for four days. I usually get a coffee at the bar, another chance to get out of the house, now it was too cold and I made coffee at home. After lunch dishes to wash, I usually use only one, today I also had pots of cannelloni and it took me a bit of time. If I’m at the sink for a long time I feel pain and I also have to sit down, but I tried to do everything soon. In the afternoon.
I almost always I take a nap, just an hour and I did so today, at half past two I was again sitting in my chair. I see a little TV, if there are things that interest me; otherwise I go to the PC and read. An object of secondary importance to my house is the phone, I use a cell phone and I also have a fixed line for internet but I do not call anyone, if the phone rings the most likely is that they have failed to make the number. I have no real friends, everyone lives on his own and has his own world, I do not have relatives, only a brother but he does not live in Italy, in practice I have no one, my brother rarely calls, little more than at Easter and Christmas, he’s younger than me by several years and has a thousand things to do and an older brother (15 years older) could be for him only a nuisance and, on the other hand, while it lasts, I do not have intention of being a burden to anyone.
Today, a thought has always been present, namely the idea that sooner or later I will need a caregiver, no matter if male or female, it’s just the idea that I do not like. I have my things in my house, some old things, my books, my computer (that’s the only new thing I have) and many trinkets that mean a lot to me but for others would be just garbage, I would not like that others put their hands on. After I’m dead they can also throw it all away, will certainly be the case, but while I’m alive those things are mine, are sacred.
I tried to know people through Internet, not gay people, because when you get old if they are gay or not does not really make any difference, but they were people who wanted to go everywhere, which were always organizing something, in short, had a mania for doing, but I’m a calm man, I tried to keep up with needs of these people, but I’m tired and I have to be quiet at home. The afternoon was cold even inside the house and I went back to bed with all my peignoir, a wonderful feeling. Then it became dark, this season night comes soon.
When I’m in bed I like to remember my past life. In my life I too knew the love (if we can call it so) once, from 31 to 35 I lived with a guy, the only sexual experience of my life, if I read things I wrote at that time I think I have lived my loving season as an important thing, however, then the break was traumatic, he played a double game, telling me lies and then is gone with another guy. At that time I felt bad. Now I have not the faintest idea of what happened to that guy (he was a year younger than me). 31 years have passed since then and it no longer has any importance for me, as if it belonged to someone else’s life.
It is not about him that I think when I’m in bed but I think when I was in better health and I went to the mountains to my grandfather’s house, an old house, isolated in a large meadow near a forest. I rebuilt that little house a brick after the other, it took me ten years of work and savings, up to about ten years ago I went there on weekends, when I was still working and I dreamed I could live there after retirement, then I really retired but got some heart problems and my doctor says I should not go to the mountains, so my dream is over, the house of my grandfather will remain a useless monument as many other things.
In the afternoon I went to the computer, I read gay project forum and I thought I would write you this email. It is the life of an old man, now gay or not gay no longer has any meaning, being gay has affected my past and left me alone now. Had I to build a couple’s life thinking about retirement? But I think that if it went so, well, it’s because it had to go so. Regrets? No, not at all. Now I live my life day by day. Should I try to fill my life with a lot of different things? Searching for something to do, trying to build who knows what? But I’m tired, I have a quiet life and I have to go on.
I sometimes think about young people, blessed them, now it’s the time you can play your cards, or at least it looks like, then you can play as you like better but how the game will end up does not even depend on you. Now it’s late, I’ll send you the email tomorrow morning, so I can read it slowly before sending, I’m going to heat up dinner and then to see if there is something worth seeing on TV. Hello Project. Good night.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=53