GAY FANTASIES OF A FIFTY YEARS OLD MARRIED MAN

Hello Project,
I’m almost 50 years, and have been married for 25, I have two grown children 21 and 23 years, my wife is a very talented woman and I love her. My life, after all, runs happily as the lives of many fathers who hope to see their children fulfill themselves in work and love life. My children are both engaged and their girls are now part of my family, they are often at home without any formalities, we have lunch together and it seems to me that things are going along well in this direction, but I carry within me for many years a thought that haunts me and I can’t talk about to anyone. I think I am and always have been bisexual or even homosexual. I’ve never had problems having sex with my wife, on the other hand, she was the only woman in my life, but from the beginning I felt that a sexual relationship with her was not exactly what I wanted. I’ve never had sex with men but I think it did not happen because of my sense of duty towards my family, a little at moral level and a bit not to put at risk the health of myself and my wife and not for lack of sexual interest on my part. And then, objectively, have a relationship with a man would have been socially unsustainable. There have been periods in the past 25 years, when I felt less homosexual urge. The first four or five years I thought I had overcame the whole problem in the sense that I could contain it because the intercourses with my wife were frequent, but after the birth of our second child the couple sexuality weakened, the children have begun to fill our lives and homosexual impulses have reappeared, which, however, more or less controllable, have never disappeared entirely. In practice, next to my sexuality with my wife, I have a second life in homosexual masturbation, yes, even now at nearly 50 years, and it’s real homosexuality. When I got engaged I was 24 and I had never been in love with a girl before. I met my wife through some friends and she fell in love with me. I was not really in love, I did not feel anything comparable to what I had felt for some guys, but I liked his company, I felt loved and desired. A bit because of the pressures of my family and a little to see how it would end up, I started to do the sweetheart, as it was then: little gifts, romantic walks etc.. etc.., but always without sex, then she tried to go ahead and I had some sexual responses: when we kissed I was erect. Frankly, I never thought about having sex with a girl and I must confess that this not only wasn’t the object of my desires, but somehow it seemed to me like a strange thing. I thought it would not work and instead it worked. She was happy, I was basically indifferent and a bit confused, I could not think of me having sex with a woman, but yet it happened. I told myself then that I could not be gay, but then I thought that I was not really sexually involved. I was in doubt whether to speak with my girlfriend and try to explain everything but she was in love, and I thought that an explicit discourse would upset her totally so I said nothing and went on for a few months. We didn’t use to take contraceptive precautions, we said that if she got pregnant we would be married soon and we had no fear of diseases because neither she nor I had had sex with other people. Then she has been actually pregnant. I remember when she told me, she still had some concerns that I did not want to marry me but I told her that we would try to get to the wedding as soon as possible and I saw her really happy. Of course in such a situation homosexuality was the least of my worries. If I had said to her or anyone else that I wasn’t heterosexual would not have believed. We got married in the church, I would not have wanted to but my wife was and still is very religious and so we got married in the church. Now the idea of being able to talk to her explicitly of my homosexual fantasies had become impracticable and on the other hand I was living with her a form of heterosexuality that made her happy.
At the age of 36, for the first time, I was madly in love with a guy who was 29, of course everything was and remained only in my head but he was the true center of my sexual interest. We were colleagues and stay close to him embarrassed me terribly, I spied his every move, trying to know everything about him but I did not do anything concrete to even exchange a few words with him, I idolized him, I considered him a model in every sense, a model of morality, or so he seemed to me. Then I came to discover that he had been trying to get an important job putting around gossiping about a colleague of ours that I knew very well. This fact has destroyed the myth of that guy and I began to think that a nice guy can also be a go-getter, can also do things morally incorrect and that maybe I was in love with the wrong guy. If he was straight I would not be disappointed the same way. I could fall in love with a straight guy but never with an evil trickster! Meanwhile my children were growing up and with my wife things were going on well and all in all I thought I would forget this guy and the idea of being gay would end, but it was not so, in spite of everything I continued to think about the guys and my parallel sexuality continued to stay there. At 40 years comes the second love that, this time, makes me really in crisis. A guy 24 years old comes to work with me, he’s handsome, a bit my ideal guy. I notice that he tries to be close to me and not to miss every possible occasion to come in my room I do not do anything to keep him at a distance, we become friends easily and he tells me clearly that he is gay and then asks about me, I say that I have nothing against gays but I am married and have two children, he tries to compose himself but is obviously disappointed. I feel safe, because that guy would have really upset me. In the following days he comes rarely in my room, I don’t initially seek him, then, slowly our friendship begins again and sometimes, once every 15 days, we begin to meet also out of the office. He tells me about his life and I stay really fascinated because he is a clever guy, a little neurotic, but authentic, spontaneous, actually a nice guy outside but also inside. Many times I was tempted to tell him that even though I was married and had two children at the end I was gay too. The temptation was very strong but the fear has always held me back, and so our friendship has been going on while remaining only a friendship. Then he found a guy and I became his confidant, of course, our contacts became sporadic. He was really in love with his boyfriend and I kept telling him that the guy was really lucky to find a guy like him but he could not understand that behind those words there was also a healthy dose of envy. During all this time my family life proceeded normally. By now I was living in two parallel worlds that would never have met. I have asked myself many times what my wife would say if she knew exactly how things are, I basically have never betrayed her, I cannot even tell whether for love or for a quiet life. And then, now my children are grown and I wonder what they would think if they knew more about their father from this point of view. They are heterosexual and I have no doubts about, but unfortunately sometimes I see a hint of homophobia in the younger, a few jokes that I do not like, some smile out of place, and in front of these things I do not know what to do. The older has a gay friend and the younger, in front of such a thing, distorts the nose a little. I think these are things that still can be found in all families. My wife is not homophobic, for her, simply, homosexuality does not even exist and if it exists it’s something that doesn’t even concern her at all, sometimes she has an attitude of compassion for gays, which I cannot stand, but in this I can see the legacy of religious education. I think I will take my secrets and my family will always be out of these things. I thought about it a lot, but hear from me what I really am would just be a shocking thing for my wife and my children, something that they still could not understand. Reading stories on your forum I found the anguish of parents who have homosexual children but not (with perhaps one exception) the distress of children who have homosexual parents. I could give my life a different direction? Maybe so, but in fact it makes no sense asking similar questions. At this point, now at almost 50, the game is over, I made my choices and, all in all, I do not regret. When my children call me daddy I feel proud. But I think they would not even accept the idea that I had an homosexual friend as the guy that I was in love, and that, however, continues to be part of my life even if in the parallel reality that now will continue to characterize my life. If you want to publish my e-mail certainly you can. I’d like to know what you think about.
A hug.
James
_______
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-fantasies-of-a-fifty-years-old-married-man
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