A GAY LOVE THAT WILL NEVER END

Hello Project,
I am a thirty years old guy, convinced follower of gay project, not a day goes by that I do not do my research on it and discover a multitude of new things. In practice I have learned on your site what it means to be gay and now, for about six months I’ve been seeing in practice that you were right and that the guys of the forum are the picture of reality. Six months ago I met a 23 year old guy, I’ll call him Paul, who inspired me especially tenderness but from many points of view, looked too young for me, then I still had in mind many patterns of behavior and for me I chose the role of older brother. I did not know Paul yet, I knew nothing about him but already he fascinated me. He reasoned following different ways, was much more temperamental, perhaps he surprised me because he followed a logic different from mine. In no time we got to see each other almost every day. It was obvious that Paul was determined to be close to me and realized that he had a huge influence on me. I had become for him a point of reference and he spoke to me openly, he was sometimes very depressed and this put me in turmoil, we stayed hours talking on msn and eventually he calmed down, sometimes he called me every name under the sun with an unleashed aggressive violence but after a few hours it was all over, I think he felt loved unconditionally. At the beginning we never talked about sex in a direct way and this for fear of being misjudged by each other, then he began to talk also about sex, about his dreams and desires, that he felt too attracted by sex but essentially unable to loving. I listened to him, then tried to respond in the way I thought the best. Between us we never used the explicit language of love, or rather, I did it but for him it was much more difficult, he said he did not want to delude me, that it was not in love with me, that for him I was an important person but in another way. Both he and I, probably for very different reasons, we tried to keep sex completely outside of our relationship, I thought it was absolutely my duty to go like that. Then I began to understand that Paul felt rejected by me, that he thought that I would not consider him at my level and he also told me such things directly. As for me, I tried to make him understand that for me he was something sacred and I thought that I would only have been a burden for him, the speech was actually a bit cold and abstract and I knew that he did not take it well then I hugged him close and I felt him in a moment of happiness. It was a physical contact, sure, but not a sexual contact, I thought I had made a nice gesture but I did not understand that Paul needed to be accepted without any reserve and in a much deeper sense, he tried to make me understand his need in every way, sought a more lasting physical contact and then slowly tried to take me to overcome my hesitation and to have also a physical sex contact with him. It took me a lot to understand how to behave because in his quest for sexual contact he swung between moments of serenity and moments of deep melancholy that I could not calm down in any other way than creating those moments of sexual contact, it was like for him sex was the only medicine against melancholy, a drug with only temporary effects, but a medicine that could change his mood. By Paul I learned something that now seems fundamental to me, namely that love is not like playing a role. I was led to identify with a character and play that role in full even when it was not exactly spontaneous but Paul was totally spontaneous and slowly managed to get me out of my more or less phony inhibitions. When we were in bed together he was always afraid to exaggerate and that I could feel uncomfortable for some reason, he thought that his sexuality might seem to me excessive, too much exuberant, but in reality he was exactly as I would have liked to be. I felt his sexuality intimately close to mine, it was a way to understand each other beyond words and he was well aware of it. Even when we got to live our sexual live without inhibitions, sex was just one component of our relationship, something important but not decisive, now we loved each other deeply. Sometimes he was so abrupt and even seemingly uninterested but I knew that in a short time these things would have been exceeded. We remained often talking about politics, science and philosophy, and often also about melancholy and fear that filled our heart, slowly we came to the realization that our relationship would not be lost, in any case, and that whatever we will do in the future there will always be a thread to hold us together. I’m not afraid of losing Paul, I’m mentally prepared for the fact that he will fall in love with another guy but that does not mean that I have to lose him. In fact I could not resign myself to the idea of losing him that is that he can forget me. Before Paul, I had met other guys but I never fell in love with anybody, I liked someone of those guys but I’ve never felt anyone with a feeling as deep as it happens with Paul, he’s the only guy who I’d always stay close, he’s the only guy I feel really close. According to certain criteria it may be a relationship that will not become a stable couple’s relationship, but I do not care stable couple’s relationships, I do not want a stable couple’s relationship but I wish that Paul always loves me just as it happens now. Between us there are also long pauses, but I see it very well, the affection remains absolutely unchanged. Before, when I did not hear him for a few days I was acting out of fear but now is no longer the case because now I know that our story cannot end because the basis is true love. I love Paul, before I knew him, when I was thinking about a guy I had a limited view of love, I considered it a noble version of sexual attraction and did not give much value to what could really be the guy that I would be in love with, I never considered the soul of the guy, as if I thought my soul would have been enough for both of us, then I met Paul and I realized that falling in love is something else and have a deep contact with a guy who loves you really enriches you, gives you a purpose to your life and is not something partial that concerns only sexuality but on the contrary involves you totally, and I would say makes you think that sex is just a means by which two people come to know each other for what they really are. I’m in love with Paul and especially I know that he loves me, he says he’s not in love with me but he somehow loves me and I think that’s true, there is also sex between us but there are also, and I would say especially, moments of family life and are deep moments, there is a trusting each other, each of us can take for granted that the other really loves him. He always warned me against its instability, against the fact that he might fall in love with another guy, but in fact I’m not afraid of this but of the fact that he can stop loving me anyway and beyond any situation. In a way, he knows that our love will never end. I do not ask him anything in particular, at least, I do not want to be his boyfriend, I want his happiness and I know there will always be a place for me in his heart. I have often said that it is perhaps too early to say that I know him well and that I’m building castles in the air, but I think this way only when I do not see him for a few days, but when we can talk a bit even on a cell phone, my doubts disappear and I would hug him strongly because I feel the strong affection that binds us. At first I thought that I could make him feel worse with all my hang-ups and my convoluted mind, I did not feel like being the right fellow for a young guy, I reasoned too much on things and didn’t let myself go, I thought I had always to be controlled then I saw him play with me, I saw him smile, I saw him try to be cuddled in every situation and I remained fascinated. Finding Paul has changed my life. I had never understood what it meant to feel really happy, but now I know what it is. The sex with him was not at all as I had imagined and allowed me to feel truly part a couple, to remove from sexuality the patina of too much important thing and to live it lightly, a bit as a game and a bit, I would say above all, as a way to transmit affection. When we are together and he hugs me and smiles or when he falls asleep in my arms, I feel invaded by an indescribable tenderness, I know that in those moments he feels safe and knows that when he is my arms I feel perfectly happy. Project, I think I’ve found the love indeed, I am sure!
_______
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=57
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