GAY RADAR AND FIRST GAY APPROACHES

This article aims to give some concrete examples of how a gay guy can approach another guy in case he knows that the other guy is gay, and also in case he does not know anything about his sexual orientation.

Behavioral guidelines to which I will refer derive from and refer to contacts between guys that take place in environments of ordinary life which are not classified as gay.

Some key observations:

Gays are a percentage of the population between 8 and 10%. Let’s adopt the more prudent estimates and assume that gays are about 8% of the general population.

Some gay guys, a minority, are openly gay and therefore are not afraid of attending locals specifically labeled as gay. The vast majority of gay guys is not openly gay and do not attend gay clubs.

A guy not openly gay cannot therefore expect to find other guys not openly gay, in gay locals. You can find guys not openly gay everywhere but never where there is a gay label.

To the question: “What is the place where you will most likely find guys not openly gay?” I answer from experience that most of the “serious” stories between gay guys begin within the university (or in the workplaces). It suffices to say that in a lecture hall with 100 students, there are on average 8 students who are gay and mostly not openly gay. In a classroom with 25 students on average 2 of them are gay.

A gay guy who wants to meet another gay guy in a non-gay environment must take into account several observations:

1) The emotional relationships, of any orientation (gay or straight) and of any type (with or without sexual involvement) have a serious sense only if they are born on a reciprocal basis. This reciprocity can be total (both emotional and sexual) as “may” take place between two gay guys but can also be limited to the emotional level, excluding the sexual reciprocity, as is the relationship between a gay and a straight or between two gay guys, one of which is not physically attracted by the other. Relationships without reciprocity at any level do not make sense at any level and for a gay guy can produce, if things are not clarified soon, an emotional stall that can last years if not decades. Falling in love can also be unilateral but reciprocity is needed to live a love story or a serious friendship.

2) The fundamental purpose of a serious approach of affective nature between two gay guys is an “equal” emotional exchange, this equality must be realized from the very beginning that is already a time of sharing. It makes no sense, therefore, to think of having to play keeping cards completely covered, waiting for the other to uncover his game. A similar behavior is perceived as aggressive and not equal and those who put it into practice are kept at a distance as not fair players. In a serious emotional approach guys try together to figure out how far it makes sense to arrive and risk together.

3) A guy non openly gay prefers guys who behave like himself, the hesitation of one of them must match the hesitation of the other, the more affectionate attitude of one of them must match more affectionate attitude of the other, if this does not happen, the guy who perceives a defense behavior of the other raises in turn defense barriers and the relationship becomes formal. “Meeting the needs of the other” demonstrating the highest availability it’s really a good idea.

4) An absolutely essential element in the first approaches is the manifestation of a mutual substantial willingness.
a) If A proposes to B to have a coffee together and B accepts the invitation showing himself pleased the dialogue goes to a further step, otherwise, if B does not accept or even worse if not adequately justifies his refusal, the dialogue is interrupted .
b) If B, after coffee, remains to talk with A and talks smiling and at ease, dialogue takes another step forward. The same happens if after a short time interval B invites in turn A to have a coffee.

5) Keeping in mind that a relationship is established only if it really starts mutual, two elements must be fully taken into account, the smile, the smile that shows true emotional availability and not that formal, and the look in the eyes in a direct way, that is one of the most typical signs of strong affective interest. The presence of these two elements normally accompanies a more intimate conversation. I do not mean to allude to a conversation on issues too private, but to a conversation “for conversation” that is a conversation in which concrete topics of study or work of are not needed to speak, it is the so-called free and unstructured conversation in which prevails an emotional and creative component.

6) A very important thing is the use of joke in a serious conversation, which usually takes place only in the presence of people you trust and from which you do not fear being judged.

7) It is always counterproductive to mention other people in not positive or disrespectful ways or report too delicate things belonging to the private sphere of other people. Those who find themselves faced with these situations fear of becoming the subject of gossip and close quickly (and rightly) to any form of communication. A guy non openly gay considers privacy an absolute value and hates the so-called half-speech that is the speech started and left half “citing the respect of the privacy of another person”.

8) In a speech that has an emotional base what matters is listening to the other, understanding him, or even just hearing his voice. Change the subject or not answer kindly is a clear sign of disinterest. Even worse is forget an appointment, arrive late, promise something and not fulfill the promise.

9) A guy not openly gay doesn’t speak of women, if a guy talks about “his girl” or about “his friend, referring to a girl” and speaks in a non-superficial way, the probability that he is gay is low. The same is true when a guy speaks ill of his girlfriend or of his friend (referring to a girl). A gay guy does not make important speeches that touch the female world nor in positive nor in negative.

10) When a gay guy talks about love in an approach with another guy, usually does not say false things that would be for him as betraying the trust of his interlocutor, but uses a speech not sexually characterized, i.e. without any linguistic expression that allows to understand if it refers to a guy or a girl (without pronouns: he/she; him/her). If a gay guy makes a speech not sexually characterized on affective issues and hears the interlocutor speaking with a sexually characterized language the dialogue freezes. The use of the pronoun “she” by the interlocutor is enough to understand his sexual orientation. If after a non-sexually characterized speech follows another not sexually characterized speech by the interlocutor the dialogue takes a step forward. It should be noted that if after a speech not sexually characterized about affective issues, follows a response sexually characterized in the masculine it is taken as a warning sign because it is seen as an unilateral and inappropriate attempt to introduce gay topics. I emphasize that a guy not openly gay in general doesn’t like forcing over such content.

11) The measure of the depth of the mutual involvement between two guys is given by the tendency to spend time together without any formal explanation. The proposal accepted to spend a Sunday together is a positive sign extremely important, especially if it is repeated.

12) A key element, and, after the first few approaches, also discriminating, is the tendency not to involve other people in the relationship, not to widen the dialogue speaking of others, to limit to meetings of only two people systematically avoiding the hypothesis that interpersonal contact can be transformed into a social occasion to meet other friends. If a proposal to go get a pizza, made stressing that the proposal is limited only to “you and me”, gets in response the counterproposal to invite also this and that, it must be admitted that the relationship has a social dimension and has nothing genuinely emotional.

The foregoing is only a hint of a delicate question, but can give an idea of how a gay guy can really guide the search for meaningful emotional contacts. In any case the basic honesty and morality of a guy, his frankness are fundamental prerequisites to the construction of any serious emotional relationship.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-radar-and-first-gay-approaches
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