I am writing you this email because I had a look at your google site and also at your forum and it seems a serious thing, neither ideological nor to make money. I am in a rather difficult situation and I need to understand what is happening to me.
I’m 31 years old, I could tell you that I’ve always been straight, because the outside was always so, and I could say that for a long time, I also thought that I was really so, but if I go to look far back in memory, when I was 11 – 12 y. o., I find in practice many things that make me doubt.
As a kid, I was obsessed by the idea of seeing other kids naked, at the beach I tried to spy on them, the boys not the girls, and I still remember very well when a 19 y. o. guy who was playing with us on the shore took off his swimming suit in front of me with the most natural. I would not have forgotten it, at that time I was more or less 14 y. o.. I discovered masturbation this way and alone of course. I tried to do everything to be with that guy who treated me well, but he had a girlfriend and his parents had given him a canoe for two people, and since then he had started to sit always with the girl, when they came back to earth he was playing football with us and it was very nice, then the girl called him and they left. I’ve hated that girl. From 14 years onwards my fantasies have been about guys older than me, I was already no longer interested in my peers.
The following summer, I was 16, and I met at the beach a 17 year old guy, a guy with a nice body. After a few days we got into the habit of bathing in the sea together, he had an inflatable raft, we went where the water is a bit deeper, but not too much because we still were able to touch the ground with our feet, he would stand in the raft and I was trying to drop him in the sea and in the end I could drop him in the water but deliberately I waited a few minutes before deciding to drop him.
The thing that mattered to me was the fact that he wore a swimsuit very wide and when he put up in the raft while I was shaking it trying to get him down, I could see everything (his sex). Clearly he was not excited at all but I liked a lot to see his penis that way.
When I was aged 17, attending penultimate year of school, my life has changed. A priest who was more or less 50 y. o. came to teach us Catholic religion, this priest had his charm because he presented religion in a smart way. This priest was leading an oratory for guys and I started to attend it, at the beginning just because there were guys. There was also a Sunday Mass together.
My teacher introduced me to religion, he never confessed the school boys and I appreciated it very much, in short, with a lot of resistance, at least at the beginning, I started going to church and there came the first problems with sexuality. I think that all the guys who attend the church have had to deal with sexual problems but nothing serious.
In the group managed by the priest girls were rare but it was possible to meet also girls. One of them was called L. was pretty and also a lot smart. I’ll spare you the details, at age 17 and a half I had my first sexual relationship with L. and I liked it well. In practice since then I have no more had gay fantasies of any kind. I was an athlete, I was naked with my teammates every day but I never got excited.
Two years ago I married L., in practice, according to the canons, I become a normal man. L. didn’t know anything of my sexual fantasies when I was young because I never had had told her such things and at that time I honestly thought that I had completely overcome that things.
But for six months now things have changed, but have changed very slowly, I met at work a 24 y. o. guy, frankly I do not even care whether he is gay or straight, even if I think he’s straight. He knows that I’m married and I love my wife very much which in a way is true because I live with her my sexuality and sexually I’m completely happy and also when I rarely masturbate I think about my wife, but the trouble is that I tend to see my wife especially or rather only under sexual profile. When something is not right between us we put it on the sexual and overcome all the problems, at least in appearance.
With my colleague I don’t feel sexual physical implications of any kind, but I think I’m nevertheless in love with him, I do not know how to explain, I got to lie to my wife to spend an evening with him, I feel an extreme tenderness towards him and between us grew a very strong relationship that appears to me that he lives the same way. We’re good together, when I quarrel with my wife (it happens rarely) I call him and his voice has the power to calm me down, when I see him in the office I’m just fine, I miss him badly when he is away, it’s a little what should happen with my wife but with her things never go this way, on the contrary with my colleague it always happens.
I have read on the forum of the dissociation between affectivity and sexuality, however, it refers only to men who are sexually attracted to other men and fall in love only with women, the opposite is happening to me. I do not think I could conceive the idea of having sex with my colleague, I tried to see him also from the sexual point of view but the sense of our relationship is not that I do not know what to think, perhaps I can have it removed. However, what makes me think more and in a way encourages me is the fact that it is a shared thing, I do not know if he realizes it or lives it simply as a beautiful friendship between straight guys but it is certainly something special also for him.
In recent times this story has increasingly become inside me. I do not know if you can call it falling in love, certainly there isn’t visible sex but just seeing him makes me feel good, it’s a bit as if he were my model of man, the best I’ve known, physically but also emotionally, I respect him really, I love him, I think he is better than me and that gives me great pleasure. I came to think something paradoxical and that maybe I could come to prefer to live with my colleague without sex than with my wife with sex. I know I may sound hypocritical but that’s what happens to me.
What should do a married 31 y. o. guy who is in this situation? I do not have any intention of losing my friend. My wife could be happy also this way, in practice what am I depriving het of? A little affection, it is true, but this is a betrayal? And how it will end?
Project, no problem if you want to publish the mail, but please answer me in private. Thanks for your patience. I’m waiting for your answer (and possibly your msn contact).
Robert (not my real name)