GAYS AND ANAL SEX: FALSE MYTHS AND PORNOGRAPHY

1) GAYS AND HETERO SEX

If we take into consideration the epithets with which homosexuals were and are still now commonly harangued, we realize that the most common and widespread representation of the homosexual world is dominated by the idea that homosexuality is a sexuality devoted to promiscuity and anal sex, dominated by active-passive roles, a kind of substitute of male-female roles, that is, in practice, a grotesque copy of heterosexuality, in which a man assumes a passive role, typically considered feminine, in a penetrative anal intercourse. Such a concept of homosexuality, clearly deforming, derives from the old idea of homosexuality as the vice of the only possible sexuality, the hetero one, or as a pathology and not as a normal variant of human sexuality as defined by the World Health Organization. This deforming vision of homosexuality is unfortunately still a serious obstacle to the recognition of their homosexuality by younger boys. It is awesome to see how many pseudo-scientific studies still today, especially in the United States, associate homosexuality with the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, in particular AIDS, and focus on analyzing the most degraded conditions in which homosexuality can manifest itself, accrediting more or less directly the association between homosexuality and social degradation, drugs, violence and mental illness.
But besides the studies spoiled in the root by ideological assumptions, there is also a serious sociology. In 2007, for the editions “Il Mulino”, come out a book by Marzio Barbagli and Asher Colombo, entitled “Modern Homosexuals – Gay and Lesbian in Italy” (“Omosessuali moderni – Gay e lesbiche in Italia”). The book offers a picture of homosexuality in Italy and, on the basis of scientific research, comes to dispel old myths and new metropolitan legends that paint the homosexual world with the lively colors of promiscuity and free sex, dominated by active-passive roles.
In November 2011, has been published a study jointly conducted by researchers of Indiana University and George Mason University, on the Journal of Sexual Medicine, titled ” Sexual behaviors and situational characteristics of most recent male-partnered sexual event among gay and bisexually identified men in the United States” by Rosenberger JG, Reece M, Schick V, Herbenick D, Novak DS, Van Der Pol B, and Fortenberry JD (Journal of Sexual Medicine (J Sex Med) 2011;8:3040–3050)
The study has been conducted using forms compiled and collected through the internet from a representative sample of the homosexual-bisexual population of 24,787 men identified as gays or bisexuals, of course they are only openly gay or openly bisexuals, between 18 and 87 years old. The sample respects the distribution of the general population by age classes and by ethnic composition. The average age is 39.2 years. 79.9% of the sample consists of homosexuals and 20.1% by bisexuals. The sample is white for 84.6%, Latin American for 6.4%, and African-American for 3.6%. The people involved in the research had been asked to indicate what sexual behaviors they have put into practice in the last sexual intercourse. The most common sexual behavior was kiss on the mouth (74.5%), followed by oral sex (72.7%) and mutual masturbation (68.4%). The anal penetration was present only in 37.2% of the cases and was found to be most common in the 18-24 age group (42.7%). It is important to keep in mind that these data are only about openly gays or openly bisexuals.
The study, in agreement with other recent studies that examined sexual behavior among heterosexual men and women, shows that gay and bisexual men have a repertoire of sexual behaviors that is very different from that of heterosexuals. Joshua G. Rosenberger, professor of the Department of Global and Community Health at the George Mason University, Fairfax, said that “Of all sexual behaviors that men reported occurring during their last sexual event, those involving the anus were the least common,” Rosenberger concluded: “There is certainly a misguided belief that ‘gay sex equals anal sex,’ which is simply untrue much of the time.”[http://newsinfo.iu.edu/news-archive/19977.html]
These conclusions, which refer to the United States, are essentially confirmed for Italy by a study: “The Sexuality of Italians” by Marzio Barbagli, Gianpiero Dalla Zuanna and Franco Garelli published in 2010, for “Il Mulino” editions. This study states about anal sex: “It is likely that in the male homosexual population the use of this practice has decreased in the course of the twentieth century.[Shorter [2005, 129-131]]
It is certain, however, that for some time now, in Italy, this is the less widely used erotic technique in this population.[Barbagli e Colombo [2007-2, 118-119]] It is equally certain that today there are few differences between homo and heterosexuals in our country. 49% of the former had at least one anal intercourse with a man versus 44% of the last who experienced it with a woman.” It is to be underlined that 49% of homosexuals are not said to practice anal sex, but that 49% had at least one anal intercourse with a man over their lifetime, which is completely different. The US study to which I referred also points out other elements that allow to overcome false myths about the promiscuity of sexual relations between homosexuals and bisexuals and their alleged affective deficiency. “We found it particularly interesting that the vast majority of men reported sex with someone they felt ‘matched’ with in terms of love, meaning that most people who were in love had sex with the person they loved, but that there were also a number of men who had sex in the absence of love,” Debby Herbenick [Co-director of the Sexual Health Promotion Center and of the Public Health School at the University of Indiana-Bloomington, and co-author of the essay on Sexual behavior of homosexuals and bisexuals] said. “Very few people had sex with someone they loved if that person didn’t love them back.” ” This “matching” aspect of love, she said, has not been well explored in previous research, regardless of sexual orientation.”[1]   “Given the recent political shifts around the Defense of Marriage Act and same-sex marriage in the United States, these findings highlight the prevalence and value of loving feelings within same-sex relationships,” said lead investigator Joshua G. Rosenberger.[2]
The study about sexual behavior of openly gays and openly bisexuals, just because it refers to openly gays and openly bisexuals, that is, to the emerging tip of gay iceberg, is unfortunately affected by an inherent limitation because its results cannot be automatically extended to the vast majority of gays and bisexuals who are closeted. From the experience of Gay Project, as I have said many times, from what I can point out through a direct dialog with homosexuals of all ages, almost always closeted, I find that about 20% of homosexual couples, including of course couples made up of closeted gays, usually practice anal sex, in most cases with interchangeable roles, these couples are almost always stable and monogamous, so they are less afraid of sexually transmitted diseases. Another 20% practice anal sex because one of the partners requires it and the other does not subtract, even if for him the performance is indifferent or really slightly unpleasant. About 60% of homosexual couples (obviously including undisclosed homosexual couples) do not practice anal sex. I have found that even among gays and bisexuals there is a big difference in the repertoire of sexual behaviors. Bisexuals have a repertoire much closer to that of heterosexuals, because, regardless of their degree of heterosexual propensity, they in most cases practice much more the heterosexual sex than the gay one. An experienced gay man can figure out whether his partner is gay or bisexual on the basis of his sexual behavior, even if the bisexual partner, in an occasional intercourse with a gay, generally does not qualify himself as bisexual but as a gay.
Elements emerging from Gay Project, extended to closeted gays, are not far from the data coming from the aforementioned study about sexual behaviors of gays and bisexuals in the US, and from those reported by Barbagli and others, related to Italy. The US study shows that 62.8% of the gay-bisex not closeted group don’t practice anal sex, while 37.2% practice it. From the Gay Project surveys, the percentages were around 60% and 40%, respectively, but in a half of that 40% of homosexual couples practicing anal sex, only one of the two partners really likes this practice. In conclusion, outside the couple, for example in individual masturbation, fantasies related to anal penetration concern about 30% of gays, for the other 70% anal penetration is not a subject of masturbation fantasies. As it’s obvious, the values measured in the surveys and the values obtained through Gay Project do not define rules without exception, but only tend to provide an undistorted image of the phenomena in their entirety, though local variability can be considerable.
It should be pointed out that at the beginning of the twentieth century there was yet a clear understanding among scholars of the idea that sodomy was not a prevalent dimension among homosexuals. Albert Moll,[Author of “Conträre Sexualempfindung” published in 1891, a fundamental work on sexual inversion. The title itself became an expression to indicate homosexuality.] speaking of the act so often accredited to homosexuals, says: “It is commonly assumed that the sexual intercourse between Urning[3] is this. But it is a big mistake to suppose that this act is so frequent among them.” [A. Moll, of “Conträre Sexualempfindung”, 139.] Krafft-Ebing[4] treats sodomy as a rare thing between the true Urning, albeit quite common among the old vicious men and debauched ones of more normal temperament, those who are not exactly homosexual.[“Psychopathia Sexualis”, Seventh Edition p. 258.] Edward Carpenter [One of the fathers of the homosexual liberation movement.] cites Moll and Krafft-Ebing’s views in appendix to his “Intermediate Sex” and shows that he shares their ideas.[Mitchell Kennerley, New York and London, p. 151-152.] Havelock Ellis, in the third edition (1927) of his treatise “Sexual Inversion” After clarifying that the term “pedicatio” (or pædicatio) is the most widely accepted technical term for the sodomy, intrusion of the penis into the anus, underlines that this term is usually intended as derived from the Greek “pais” (boy), but some authors assume that it comes from pedex or podex (ano). Ellis adds that the terms “pederastia” and “pederasta” are sometimes used to indicate the act itself and its agent, but considers this an undesirable use and recommends limiting the use of the word “pederastia” according to its proper meaning as a name of the special institution of Greek love for boys.
In Chapter V of his treatise, in the section dedicated to “Methods of Sexual Relationship”, Ellis writes:[Studies in the Psychology of sex, vol. 2 “Sexual Inversion” by Havelock Ellis, third edition, revised and enlarged – 1927, cap. V, Methods of Sexual Relationship] “Taking 57 inverted men of whom I have definite knowledge, I find that 12, restrained by moral or other considerations, have never had any physical relationship with their own sex. In some 22 cases the sexual relationship rarely goes beyond close physical contact and fondling, or at most mutual masturbation and intercrural intercourse. In 10 or 11 cases fellatio (oral excitation)—frequently in addition to some form of mutual masturbation, and usually, though not always, as the active agency—is the form preferred. In 14 cases, actual pedicatio—usually active, not passive—has been exercised. In these cases, however, pedicatio is by no means always the habitual or even the preferred method of gratification. It seems to be the preferred method in about 7 cases. Several who have never experienced it, including some who have never practised any form of physical relationship, state that they feel no objection to pedicatio; some have this feeling in regard to active, others in regard to passive, pedicatio. The proportion of inverts who practise or have at some time experienced pedicatio thus revealed (nearly 25 per cent.) is large; in Germany Hirschfeld finds it to be only 8 per cent., and Merzbach only 6. I believe, however, that a wider induction from a larger number of English and American cases would yield a proportion much nearer to that found in Germany.” From what Ellis found in the cases he examined, about 25% of homosexuals practiced anal penetration at least once in the life but only 7 out of 57 (just over 12%) considered it the preferred method of Sexual satisfaction.
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[1] http://info.publichealth.indiana.edu/releases/iu/2014/01/gay-sex-love.shtml

[2] [https://medicalxpress.com/news/2014-02-unique-tied-sex-gay-bisexual.html]

[3] German term corresponding to the English “uranist” with which homosexuals were indicated. The term “Urning” was created in 1864 by Karl Heinrich Ulrichs, supporter of the thesis that homosexuals were a true third sex. The term “homosexual” is introduced by Karl-Maria Benkert, who was a proud supporter of the full masculinity of homosexuals, and to point out that this is not a third sex, he prefers not to use the word Urning at all but to create a word entirely new.

[5] Author in 1886 of “Psychopathia sexualis”, a work that has been vast resonance for decades, in which he identifies various degenerations of sexuality such as sadism, masochism, fetishism, voyeurism, exhibitionism, frottage, nymphomania, zoophilia, necrophilia, gerontophilia, compulsive masturbation and pedophilia, in particular, emphasizes the very serious risks for the victims. It should be noted that Krafft-Ebing does not include homosexuality among the degenerations of sexuality.

2) HETEROSEXUALS AND ANAL SEX

Sexual behavior of openly gays and openly bisexuals, despite its limitations, is somehow easy to analyze, because it is highly unlikely for an openly gay to have hesitancy to admit to have had anal sex. A search of the same kind, with direct questions, aimed at groups of less disinhibited people, such as closeted gays or heterosexuals, who were sampled by the general population, would face significant levels of reticence. Since anal sex is a classic taboo, the data found in this field are certainly underestimated. Women participating in a survey on sexuality admit more easily abortion rather than having anal sex [Smith, Adler, and Tschann, 1999]. Voeller (1991) noted that in the context of direct interview surveys, anal sex aspects never emerged at the first interview, but only later, when the interviewee manages to set aside the reticence. In the heterosexual sphere it is noted that the incidence of anal sex, which is definitely limited in the less recent surveys, tends to increase over the years, the opposite of what happens in the homosexual population. A study by Mosher, Chandra and Jones (2005), conducted on the basis of large-scale surveys, found that 38.2% of men between the ages of 20 and 39 and 32.6% of women of between 18 and 44 experienced heterosexual anal sex in the course of life. It should be noted that since 2005 (Mosher, Chandra, and Jones, 2005) to 2011 (Rosenberg and others, 2011), percentages for men have increased considerably. An analysis of the state of the research on heterosexual anal sex can be found in Kimberly R. Mc Bride’s Heterosexual Anal Sexuality and Anal Sex Behaviors: A Review and J. Dennis Fortenberry of the University of Indiana. Men who have had stories with partners of the same sex relate more easily about anal intercourse (Foxman, Aral, and Holmes, 1998a, 1998b). But I have to underline that here we are talking about anal sex practiced on a female partner by men who have also had homosexual partners, in other words this means that men who feel heterosexual but also have male partners are significantly more likely to anal sex, more likely than the average of heterosexuals, but because the gay propensity towards anal sex is similar to that of the heterosexuals, more likely than the average of gays. These “heterosexuals” who also have gay experiences form the category of so-called bi-curious. So far, the bi-curious category has been introduced in relation to concrete homosexual gay experiences, but the vast majority of bi-curious people do not come to have sexual intercourse with men and are content with the use of pornography that is male nude, male masturbation or sexual intercourse between men.

3) SO-CALLED GAY PORNOGRAPHY

When it comes to pornography, we have to distinguish between heterosexual pornography, or rather pornography with heterosexual content which shows intercourses between a man and a woman, gay pornography, or rather pornography with gay content, which shows intercourses between men, male nude and male masturbation, and lesbian pornography or rather pornography with lesbian content, which shows intercourses between women, female nude and female masturbation. This distinction, which concerns the content, is fairly clear, in principle, although there are certainly situations that cannot be exclusively covered in any of the three categories. This distinction is overlapped by another, based on the users of pornography. Generally people uses the expression “hetero pornography” to denote pornography enjoyed by men and women, uses the expression “gay pornography” to indicate pornography enjoyed by homosexual men and uses the expression “lesbian pornography” to indicate pornography enjoyed by homosexual women. The two classifications, the one on the basis of the content and the other on the basis of the users, make use of the same synthetic terminology (hetero porn, gay porn, lesbian porn) and this leads to wrong convictions, that is, it implies that pornography with hetero content is only to be enjoyed by hetero men and hetero women, that pornography with gay content is only to be enjoyed by male homosexuals and pornography with lesbian content is to be enjoyed only by homosexual women. Let us now consider only the pornography with gay content. Different interesting facts emerge from Yahoo Answers. First of all, many women declare that they normally access sites with gay content rather than sites with heterosexual content, because pornography with hetero content, enjoyed essentially by heterosexual men, focuses on women neglecting the male element, and also because in pornography with gay content there are no women. Thus, a certain percentage of gay content traffic is represented by heterosexual women, for whom penetrating sex is the rule. In Yahoo Answers, especially in the section in English, there are thousands of questions proposed by heterosexual guys who see gay porn and ask if this is normal. The question is put in all possible ways, but it is always essentially the same. There are also a lot of messages from hetero girls who are very worried about finding out gay material in the computers of their boyfriends. From these messages we can understand that men who consider themselves heterosexual but use gay pornography are not bisexuals in the specific sense, because they do not fall in love with guys but only with girls; these guys are the so-called bi-curious. Obviously, bi-curious may stop at the level of pornography with gay content but may also have more or less frequent homosexual intercourses but without real affective engagement, otherwise they would be bisexual. Let us now consider some aspects of pornography with gay content and compare them with similar aspects of pornography with hetero content. Searching on Google “straight site” it is noted that the related results are 506,000,000; looking for “gay site” the related results are 420,000,000; the gay/hetero ratio is about 0.83.
Looking for “straight porn” the related results are 55,100,000; looking for “gay porn” e 43.9 million, the gay/hetero ratio is about 0.8. Looking for “straight porn video” the related results are 45,400,000; looking for “gay porn videos” are 59,600,000, the gay/hetero ratio is about 1.31. These data indicate that the frequency of pornography with gay content on the web is more or less equivalent to that of pornography with hetero content. It is objectively impossible to access first-hand data on the use of pornography that belong to the managers of these sites, and in this area you can only get approximate estimates but it is commonplace that the gay-content pornography business equals or even exceeds that of hetero-content pornography. And here comes the first apparent incongruity. If male homosexuals are about 4% of the general population and male heterosexuals are about 46%, that is, if there is on average a single gay male every 11.2 heterosexuals males, and hetero-content pornography is more or less quantitatively equivalent to gay-content pornography, assuming that gay-content pornography is to be enjoyed only by gays and that of hetero-content pornography is to be enjoyed only by male heterosexuals in large majority (about 72%) it would come to the paradoxical conclusion that gays uses pornography 11.2 times more than an male heterosexuals, which is far less credible. If, on the other hand, an equal propensity to use pornography for gay and hetero people was assumed, we should ask who are the consumers of gay-content pornography not consumed by gays. And here the answer is spontaneous: they are the bi-curious and they are really many.
The fact that bi-curious are the main gay-content porn consumers is confirmed by the fact that gay-content websites, when they represent sexual intercourse, end up almost always with anal penetration, which, as seen, is not a dominant interest in the gay world while it is among the bi-curious. Many gays wonder why gay porn sites give so much room for anal intercourse, and the answer is that the main users of gay-content pornography are not gay but bi-curious and secondly heterosexual women. In this sense, for a gay young man, the image of gay sexuality offered by gay pornography is misleading because it is a pornography created essentially for the needs of a not gay but bi-curious audience. A bit of pornography does not hurt anyone, but if pornography shows an hypothetical gay sexuality that is very different from reality, it becomes deeply harmful. The representation of true gay sexuality would be far less spectacular and therefore less suited to the pornographic market but would allow so many homosexuals to identify themselves in that representation rather than be tempted to imitate behaviors that have nothing to do with reality.

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If you like, you can participate in the discussion of this post on Gay Project Forum:

http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/showthread.php?tid=1

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HOW TO IDENTIFY A GAY

Among the keys to access Gay Project blogs I can find often “How to recognize a gay”. In fact, for a gay guy, the need to relate to other gay guys is very important. The search for other gays automatically starts as a result of the simple awareness of being gay. The motives are varied but convergent:

1) the need to not feel unique and to diminish the sense of marginalization, perceiving themselves as part of a group;

2) the need for a dialog without continuous fictions, with other guys who live oh have lived similar experiences;

3) the need to create relationships of friendship and mutual trust with people sharing similar sexual orientations;

4) the need to create strong affective relationships, to love a guy and to live for him, and to feel him relieved, which constitutes for a gay the most powerful thrust;

5) the desire for physical contact with other guys is both generic and consciously sexual;

In other times, before the Internet era, a gay boy could find news on homosexuality and gay lifestyle of other gay guys exclusively through books, some rare gay-themed movies, or through gay-friendly direct acquaintance, event anyway fairly rare.

It is commonly said, and it is true, that every gay guy develops sophisticated methods and techniques to identify other gay guys, the so-called “gay radar”.

When asked “how to recognize gay?” I can only answer in an articulated way.

1) If a gay boy does not want to be recognized, in an environment where being gay is not accepted, recognizing him is virtually impossible for anyone. Even the most experienced gay people, when they try to use “gay radar”, in such cases, are exposed to grotesque situations.

2) If a gay guy, in an environment where homosexuality can be tolerated, deliberately (more frequent) or heedlessly launches signals, it is possible for another gay to start a genuine recognition procedure.

Generally, those who consciously launch very weak signals of homosexuality make it explicitly hoping to be recognized by another gay guy, but not by heterosexuals, who have no ability to decode those signals.

Among the weak signals of homosexuality some are quite common:

1) Absence of any reference to “my girlfriend”

2) Do not talk about women or girls, or talk about but only in terms of friendship

3) Do not comment when a cute girl passes

4) Do not go on talking about girls when the subject has been started by another person

5) Do not talk about gays, do not make jokes about them, do not continue a conversation started by others on gay related topics

Other signals less weak and more significant are:

1) Do not say “falling in love with a girl” but “falling in love with a person”

2) Writing in a way not sexually connoted. This point requires special attention.

GAY GUYS AND SEXUALLY CONNOTED TEXTS

Years ago I administrated a website in Italian about couple relationships, the readers of the site were all or almost all heterosexual. I started there an experiment: wrote and published a lot of stories (about 100) not sexually connoted, that is that reading the stories it was strictly impossible to detect from grammatical elements if the single character was male or female, because the text was in this sense radically neutral. In Italian usually the subject of the verb is not needed, usually adjectives are different for masculine and feminine but there are adjectives that are exactly the same for both the genders. It is quite simple in Italian to write stories non sexually connoted. In English things are a little more complicated because usually the subject must be indicated and the use of pronouns (he, she, him, her) can hardly be avoided, nevertheless even in English it’s possible to write texts not sexually connoted. For example, to express quite similar contents I can use a sexually connoted text like this:

“I went to her last night, she told me she would come to see me, I love her because she is beautiful and then she is my girlfriend and I’ll love her forever.”

It’s evident that I’m telling about a girl or a female character. But I could also use a not connoted text like this:

“We met last night. My friend told me “Don’t worry, I’ll come soon to see you”, what I feel is love and then no one is more important for me … I just stuttered “My soul, you are the only object of my desires, and will be forever.”

Here it’s impossible to detect from grammatical elements if I’m talking about a man or a woman.

There is an American novel published in 1870 by Bayard Taylor, considered the first American gay novel, whose title “Joseph and his friend” sounded to the general public quite similar to “Joseph and his girlfriend” and the first chapters seam to justify this interpretation, but reading the subsequent chapters it’s easy for gay readers to understand that the “friend” is a male friend, if not exactly a boyfriend.

Well, my experiments on my website intended for heterosexuals, demonstrate that all the readers (heterosexuals) saw a woman in the character not sexually connoted. All comments were based on this assumption completely unjustified from the literal text. Clearly the brain of a single person goes straight to what is usual for that person.

Gay persons are used to find a lot of sexually connoted texts, clearly all in hetero sense, but they unlike hetero people, are extremely ready to detect not connoted text, because gays are accustomed to express their stories in public in a not sexually connoted way.

In conclusion: the heterosexuals do not recognize a not sexually connoted text, while homosexuals immediately notice that the text is not sexually connoted.

This conclusion is very useful to detect gays. The one who uses non sexually connoted expressions discovers somehow himself and gives occasion to the other to give in turn signals of recognition.

Many guys, when they notice more or less gay signals from another guy, launch a search for information about him worthy of the secret services, search for his name and email on multiple search engines online, if that guy has a website or a blog that is not explicitly gay, they analyze it in depth with rigorous philological criteria and read with acute spirit the author’s profile. They essentially seek to gather evidence to confirm the initial hypothesis. In some cases they end up finding explicit references to a girl or heterosexual experience and their research ends with archiving because “he’s not gay”. In other cases, however, the hypotheses are confirmed and you get to the final evaluation: “probably gay” or, rarely, If the search is about boys still in the closet, to the evaluation: “certainly gay!”

In the past decades, the finding of other gay guys was very difficult, today, using Internet, the opportunities for gay guys are enormously increased but also risks because what is glittering is not all gold.

TEMPTATIONS OF A GAY GUY IN VACATION

Project,

I have to try to understand what to do because if I don’t I go crazy, my name is Marco, a simple but true name and I’m not ashamed to use it here because it is very common, so at zero risk. I’m twenty, almost 21, I live in a city in central Italy. I have always had two strong passions, since I was a little boy, one are guys and the other is the sea.

Nobody knows about me, no one at home, no friends, no one at all. I do not pretend to be straight and my friends, who have all a girlfriend, never made themselves into my own facts. Since the high school till now at university I have three friends, let’s call them Luca, Carlo and Enzo, we all study at the same faculty and we study together, there are no stupid jealousies for questions of school grades or things of this sort even if we have to pass the same examinations. They are good guys and I trust them except on a single point that I do not even want to consider with them. We spend a lot of time together both in the morning and in the afternoon to study, for the rest each one has his own life and practically we never talk about it. This year, for the first time, my parents allowed me to leave on holiday for my own and I agreed with my three friends and rented a little apartment, just a single room and kitchen in front of the see, near [omissis]. The place is gorgeous, for a sea lover like me it’s the best. The house was cheap, indeed I would say very cheap, and that’s why we got it immediately, it had some problems, but at the end we had to stay there for only 5 days and so it did not even make sense to look for another. It had only one room and we were four, then it was exposed to the south, the sun warmed it in full from dawn to sunset, in the evening, the temperature reached 33°C and there was only a single window that by the way had a dense mosquito net, so it could be opened only in a very relative way. All this should give the impression of an unbearable torture but for me it was not like that at all. In the center of the room, there was a table, because the kitchen was so little that two persons standing couldn’t even get into. In the evening we moved the table in one corner and added two camp beds because there were just two single sofa beds on both sides of the room. There was not even a fan, just nothing! The heat was such strong that the sweat poured on drops on our face. The first day we arrived at eleven o’clock in the morning, we only thought about getting ready to go to the sea, we did not even have the problem of cooking because we had brought lunch from home. We have spent our time in the water, between low water and swimming, practically until eight and a half in the evening and we were fine there, or better divinely, there were very few people although it was the week before August 15th, we were sitting in the low water to talk, then we were engaged in swimming race, then in a little race between us, in short, it was fine and the time was flying, then sunset came and with it clouds of mosquito (there was a cane thicket nearby) and we had to run into the house, we told each-other that fortunately there was the mosquito net. When we entered, we had the impression of getting into a furnace, a disagreeable feeling, we opened the single real window and the two half windows in the bath and in the kitchen, but the three windows were all on the same wall and had dense mosquito nets, and no air stream was moving. First instinctive solution: the cold shower, 5 minutes each one. The bathroom was small, no key to the door, shower in a corner without box and no curtain, but it did not create the least problem. One went in the shower, it was just for 5 minutes, then the others knocked on the door because they could not wait to cool them as well. We were all shirtless after the shower, but after ten minutes, the heat again became unbearable and then another shower was needed. We ate that little bit of dinner we had brought from home that had been baking on the table, because there was not even a fridge! Then Luca tried to turn on his PC but there was no internet connection, so no PC was available. There was no TV, just a half-broken radio, we heard it for a while but it was an old archaeological device that warmed up like a stove and that could not stay switched on for more than a minute because it croaked a lot. Luca and Carlo at one point said that they could no longer resist within their shorts, they pulled them off and remained in their underwear, or rather in their briefs, those classic white ones. Enzo has resisted for a while, then he too followed them. I did not know what to do, I kept my bermuda shorts on that were a real torture because they were all wet and glued to the skin. I had in front of me in a few square feet my friends in briefs who were still sweating like fountains. We opened the camp beds. From left to right we were: Enzo, I, Luca and Carlo. I had a good time because Carlo is a bit overweight and frankly does not attract me. Enzo is not bad, a handsome guy, but he is not exactly my type, but Luca has always been my secret dream. Project, I’m still one of those gays, so to say, stupid, who fall in love with their straight friend even though they know very well that he is straight. In short, we went to bed and turned off the light. Near the window there was a street lamp and the light filtered the same and once you were used to seeing in that weak light, you could see everything quite distinctly. Carlo noticed the rather strong light of the street lamp and said, “Guys, I close the window because there is too much light”, but I stopped him right away and said, “No! Come on! There is already an unbearable heat here!” And Carlo left the window wide open. After about ten minutes he collapsed like a chunk, Enzo turned and turned on the bed, but then began to collapse. Luca went to pee, then threw himself on the camp bed, he seemed very agitated, pulled his briefs down without saying anything, put himself belly down om the vamp bed and slowly fell asleep. I frankly did not really sleep at all. I had Luke sleeping completely naked at 30 cm from me. In practice, I did not take my eyes off him the whole night long. Of course he did not sleep all night belly down and for me it has been a show absolutely unique and amazing, he had also the morning erection, but in practice I was in constant erection from the evening before. At about seven o’clock in the morning, when Carlo rolled over a little, before getting up, Luca put on back his briefs in front of me, but with the utmost naturalness, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, then he took the phone and went out to call the girl because there was no signal inside the house. Sometimes I think that his girl is really lucky! Wow, let’s go on! I was shocked by the fact that for Luca to sleep naked in the room with his friends was a very normal thing. That’s why for a straight guy the locker room is neutral and does not produce any effect. In practice for a straight guy being naked with friends is not something that has to do with sex neither has something to do with the idea of ​​being naked with a girl. In the following days, he came out naked twice from the shower and wiped out in front of us and no one did a wrinkle, of course neither did I! Eh eh! He is a sportsman and you see that he does not have any conditioning in these things. In fact we stayed in that house for only four nights and for four nights Luca slept close to me completely naked without any embarrassment. You can’t even imagine what a shocking effect this thing did to me, or perhaps you can, rather… certainly you can. But how can a straight guy be so uninhibited? It’s just something I  can’t understand. But why all the straight guys take it for granted that all their friends are straight? In the days we’ve been there I did not hear a gay joke, not even minimal. We were friends, we were fine with us, we did not even talk about girls. Who knows what the value it could have for them that holiday all for men! Maybe every five minutes they thought of their girls, but to me it seemed they were fine without having to think about their girls. I was fine, certainly, because I was with Luca and “that way”, but they also, in my opinion, were all fine. I think, although without sexual intercourse, because such things were absolutely impossible there, even straight guys like a short “only male” vacation. Every day we stayed there I pretended to be totally disinterested in these things, by day, “but not by night!” To use Arbore’s [an Italian showman] words. Since I did not sleep in the night; in the morning I was completely upset and my friends told me I seemed really upset, but I said I had not slept because of the heat, although the reason was Luke. Now the white-nights period is over, we’re back in town, for them nothing happened, did you understand, Project? Nothing happened! But for me it happened in a shocking way! Project! I’m really upset! Perhaps I do not get it from my head anymore! Even though I found him sleeping naked near me for four nights one behind the other, I know very well that he is straight, and now I know it much better than before! What a desperation! What happened to me has really upset me! Before this vacation, I fantasized about Luca, you understand when, but now it has become my total obsession! Project, what should I do? I cannot avoid thinking about Luca! I have him in my blood! If you want, you can post this mail on your forum, because my friends will never open a gay site!

A GAY MASSEUR

Hello Project,

I have been your fan for years and in practice I look at your forum every day searching for something new, for a while it seemed that there were few people and the news were rare but I saw that the activity is now resuming and it really makes me happy, so I think I can make my contribution telling my story. I say that it is not a story related to forms of discomfort or serious problems, I would say that my contribution is light, but I think it might be interesting.

I am a physiotherapist, a true physiotherapist, graduated with a five year degree and I have done several professional rehabilitation and physical therapy courses, I am 28 years old. After the early days, when no one knew me, I began working with elderly people and traumatized patients or with disabling illnesses, I had my satisfaction, but I must say, I also feel melancholy when I see very poor people, and since all of them are badly old, it happens that sometimes someone is missing and it makes me a terrible effect because they are persons I’ve known very closely. Let’s say that this kind of activity is not exactly what I wanted to do. I recently did a qualification course for the use of DAE (semi-automatic defibrillator) and another course on first cardiac rescue and I sent my curriculum to some sports companies. I thought no one would answer me, but something happened. A semiprofessional company in my area contacted me for an interview, I went there and brought my titles. There was a doctor, the president of the company and two other people. They did not have anything to say about the titles, and they immediately told me they could have hired me, but with very limited remuneration because their budget is just down “to the bone”. I asked what the conditions and times would be and they told me I would almost always work two mornings a week, Thursday and Sunday for 4 hours each time, so about 30 hours a month for 9 mornings. I asked what would be my net remuneration and they answered me little more than 600 euros, but with the obligation to follow the team for away games one Sunday yes and one no, but in this case the expenses of moving, eating and housing would be the responsibility of the company. I did not think twice about and accepted it. I signed a contract after giving it a quick read, but it was a standard AIC (Italian Football Association) model so I could trust it. It took me a week to rearrange appointments with my patients then finally on the following Thursday I made my first entry into society. The appointment was for 8.00, I arrived at 7.30 and there was no one yet. I went to the bar to have a cappuccino and there were several guys with the football handbag, I braved and asked if they were there for the workout and then I said I was the new masseur. They replied that they had never had one, however they were nice and offered me the cappuccino. Shortly before 8 am we entered, but the coach had not arrived yet, at 8.05 the guys of the team were all at the gym, the coach arrived at 8.30 with a super car, practically he was perpetually on the phone, in one of the few moments of pause I introduced myself but he just said “Well” and went back to his phone calls; he sent the guys to change and then in the field to do “a bit of heating”, practically the guys did it all by themselves and the coach kept thinking about just his business. I stayed on the field board and did not know what to say, then the coach, hardly at 9.00, told me: “Let them make something, I have to run away, when you’re done, pull the door.” And went away. When the guys saw that the coach had gone, they would go as well, but by contract I had to stay there for another three hours and I did not know how to stop them; and there I had an idea: I called all the guys in the gym and said they had to learn to use the defibrillator, which was one thing that could save their life. I asked where the defibrillator was, they knew there was somewhere, but they did not know where, then we found it in a closet, totally unloaded, we found the place where it was supposed to be and put it there and it started loading, but it took time. It was a defibrillator I had used in the course and I knew how to make it work. I told the guys to seat down on the floor and talked to them about the defibrillator, what it is, how it works and how to use it, heart massage, first cardiology, and so many other very concrete and very useful things. They were listening to me, I said we did not have to waste time and we could do simulations. To break the ice, I assumed the role of one who needs cardiological rescue and I asked them how they would behave. They came close to me, did some maneuvers but were not the right ones and then I explained what they should do, how to arrange the patient, how to take pulses, how to facilitate breathing, and I explained all with the help of one of them who played the role of the unfortunate, then we heard the defibrillator beep, a sign that it was loaded, I showed them the spies, the button and the signals, and said that the defibrillator verifies if you really need defibrillation and step-by-step gives directives to the operator. I asked one of the guys to take off his shirt because I wanted to show them where exactly the electrodes should be placed, the one lying down, I applied the electrodes and the guy got scared and got them away, he thought I could make a dangerous shock, then I lay down, put the electrodes on me and told the guy to start the defibrillator, he was afraid to do so, then I did it in his place and the defibrillator replied that no defibrillation was needed. I explained that the device makes a quick diagnosis and decides if it is the case to give the shock and gives it only if it is the case, and then gives instructions for reviving and heart massage maneuvers. The guys were very impressed, and they told me it was like in American first aid movies. I asked if there was a medical room and one for the massages, they took me to a small room, with a table and two chairs and they said it was all there, I asked for the massage table and they laughed as to say that I had not realized where I was. I asked the guys why they did not shower after training, they made me sign to follow them, opened a door, there was the showers room with eight boxes but it was evident that they had not worked for years, beyond a second door there was also four toilets but only one working. They told me that society has no money, and then I launched the proposal: “We can ask for permission and put everything in place, we will have some work to do, but we are so many.” They were puzzled, they said that we had to ask the coach for permission, I replied that it was not a matter of coach but of the president and I said I would try to talk to him, they looked at me as if I were a rare animal fallen in there by mistake. It was past 11.00 and I let the guys go, but not without taking all their cell phone numbers and giving them my. After they left I made a quick tour of the building, which if put back in place, would not have been bad, I took the measurements of the medical room and other rooms and I drew a map with all the data. Then I called the president’s secretary and told her I wanted to talk to the president. She asked me: “Are there any problems?” I answered “No!” resolutely, and after a few seconds she made me talk to the president. I told him that I was at work and that I had found myself very well and then I launched my proposal: “I would try to work to put start up showers, toilets and other things… Do you think such things can be done?” He replied, “You can do what you want, but do not expect money for you or for any other expenses, because there is no money.” I replied, “President, I’m not asking you for money but only for permission to do it.” He told me that he had nothing to add but that he had spoken clearly and I would not have any money in any case. I bought rags, brooms, brushes, anti-limestone and detergents. The coach gave me the keys and I spent all my free hours cleaning the shower room, the water was present and the drains worked, it was just all dirty and encrusted. Sunday was a day of play, I was with the guys before the start, but no massages could be done because there was no massage table, in the interval I did lie down on the ground  one who had been kicked on one foot and I worked hard on that foot and he told me it was better and he came back to play, at the end of the game (unfortunately the game went wrong) I told the guys to go to the showers, they opened the door to the showers and everything was all clean, they showered for the first time with hot water, when they came out they asked me where were rags and detergents because they could not leave everything dirty. They cleaned up everything and I asked them to give me a hand to bring a massage table and a locker that I had at home and that I had never used. One said he could take one van for an hour but that he needed to do it immediately because usually his family used it for work. We went to pick up the van, then to my house, we loaded the massage table and the locker and went back to the stadium and arranged things. I asked why the coach did not go to the match and they answered by raising their arms. I said immediately: “But a lot of things can change!” One told me: “The coach no!” I said that even while he was formally the coach many things could change, then I said hello to them: “See you Thursday and we’ll try to do a little bit of real work.” On Thursday they found the medical room perfectly clean, there was also blood pressure measuring instrument, the pulse oximeter, and a little bit of ointment for the muscular tears. The coach had warned me that he would not come. I proposed to the guys a minimum of preparation before training, we brought the massage table to the gym and they all got around, I asked a volunteer and Marcello lay on the couch. I told them that they are football players and that the preparation should mainly concern the leg muscles, I have shown them some maneuvers for the muscle relaxation and the dissolution of the joints, I did the movement on Marcello and they did the same two by two, we stayed there for almost 40 minutes doing exercises, then we went to work out on the field (without the coach). I had prepared a whole series of exercises from a book about football training. The guys looked surprised: they wondered if I was a footballer, but I said I was just a physiotherapist. We did more than one hour of athletic training and then a little full match based on technique rather than strength. After the match they showered and cleaned up everything. One told me he had so many technical books about football and said he could bring them and maybe they could be useful.

In conclusion, Project, over time, with these guys beautiful relationships have come up, we have become friends. I had the opportunity to massage them, but I did it very professionally and with the guys who were wearing briefs anyway. Every now and then someone comes out naked from the showers but the thing is normal for me as well, what I like is the absolutely magical atmosphere of the stadium, the fact that we are practically as brothers and that if there is any problem we help each other to solve it. I’m gay and I’ve always been, for me to be among these guys is the top, is happiness! I wondered several times if there was a gay among these guys, but I guess not. If there had been one, I would have been a lot less casual, because a gay in some situations might feel uncomfortable and that just does not have to happen. That’s the story, there is nothing porn, there is only the fact that with these guys, who are almost certainly all straight, I’m fine, I do not feel a repressed gay who is content with hetero friends. I have not fallen in love with any of these guys, that would be another story, these guys, for me, are friends, but they are so important that I’m okay at least at the moment. I make my fantasies about them, well, this is human, but such fantasies remain my own private things. When I’ll fall in love, things will be different.

GAY LIFE IS CHANGING

Dear Project,

I’m very happy to have spoken to you last night. I have found confirmation that the situation of gays is objectively changing and that the idea of ​​homosexuality as normality is slowly breaking. I thought I would summarize in a short writing my experience on this subject, which then I think is not at all a rare thing.

After graduating from a university in the South of Italy, I I changed my university to attend higher level courses in one of the North. In the new university I found that didactic and research are of medium level, I actually expected something better, what literally shocked me was the level of normal life of gay guys within the faculty, something really unimaginable in a southern university. Here where I am now, being gay is no longer a taboo, the guys are not hiding, or at least there are many that do not hide and they are not just the extreme defenders of the gay movement, here do not even hide the normal gay guys” (it looks like a strange association of words). I was determined to safeguard my privacy, but then, without the need to admit or declare anything, a little group of guys (at least a dozen) has been created who were mutually sympathetic and understood each other at another level. After about six months I had a clear evidence that the guys in the group were all gay and here, dear Project, I have to say that it was far beyond the classic 8% that you consider the percentage of gay guys on the total population. Our graduation course was attended by 51 guys, and more or less from about twenty girls, out of 51 boys 11 are gay! More than 20%. And I’m sure they’re gay because they told me that. I wonder how these abnormal gay concentration could be possible in a specific degree course, which is of a purely technical-scientific orientation. Perhaps  the explanation is that gay people are far more than 8% and that their number is largely underestimated just because, apart from the gay friendly environments, gay guys do not go out? I wonder if, in other gay friendly contexts, there are percentages close to 20%, that is, essentially the same of my faculty.

But there is another thing to note: gay dialogue is becoming more and more free and spontaneous. The burden of erotic chat and dating sites, at least at the highest cultural levels, tends to decrease, slowly, it is true, but progressively. For so many good hetero guys, the fact that a friend is gay does not devalues the friendship, But there is something else, in the surrounding social environment there is no gossip about homosexuality, here at least, the topic of homosexuality is perceived as absolutely neutral. The gays themselves have the pleasure of being together but do not lock in a ghetto. Their being together comes from sharing their experiences and feelings in some way homogeneous and is not aimed at sex. Gay friendships last in time. Gay couples last in time. The break of a gay couple relationship does not diminish the relationship of esteem and friendship; solidarity is perceived very strong. I also can see something else, within the gay group of our degree course, the boys talk very little about sex, not for embarrassment or self-repression, but because they consider sexuality a private dimension to be preserved, but if we don’t talk about sex, we talk about love using typical categories of affective life and couple relationships. Today a gay guy, at least in my faculty, does not feel embarrassed when talking about gay love. I met several couples, and were couples who, at least at the origin, were born as couples destined to last. Relations with the hetero world are here, at least, never in terms of contrast, and the strong friendships between a gay and a straight guy is by no means a rarity, and I speak of friendships in which the straight guy is aware that his friend is gay. Even relationships with girls are very quiet and it happens quite often that a girl does not matter if her boyfriend frequents a gay friend. I have the impression that the person is evaluated as such, and without any reference to general categories such as heterosexual, gay or bisexual. Another thing struck me too much, here almost a half of my group, 5 out of 11 gay guys came out with their parents and, more surprisingly, they did not find any obstacles on the part of their parents. In my city of origin gays are completely invisible and the coming out in the family is an absolute rarity. In these things the North is actually at another level. Being gay for so many guys is not a problem. Living for many years in the South I did not realize how much the situation of gay guys was different in different regions of ​​Italy and I did not even think that there could be so favorable situations for gays. Here the places labeled gay are very few, I didn’t imagine such a situation, there is no separate gay subculture, but among the elderly people there is still the apparent tendency to ghettoize gays as a group, I say it’s apparent because elderly people make strange talk but only occasionally when they feel more or less compelled to do so, that is, when there is social expectation in that sense, but also grandparents who make statements of greater closure about gays, in the end have gay nephews, love them and no problem is created for that, but in public it’s hard to avoid the homophobic comedy. Among the guys in my group (the eleven gay guys in my course) I did not even find one objectively concerned or distressed by his being gay, but for the truth I did not even find one special proud  of being gay, they are all absolutely quiet guys and they live in a very natural way. One of these guys, when I still did not know he was gay, had sent me an email that I think is very interesting. I copy it down here in full with his permission:

Hi A.,

I was very happy to talk to you this morning, I would bet you were a smart guy, as well as a phenomenon in the studies. There are so many universities in the South but, seeing you, I guess they are not so bad, you have a very theoretical and scientific training, we are much more engineers, you tend split hairs over and build precise mathematical models, we linearize everything, and at most we do some laboratory tests. I (Fabio, called Failed genius), Andrea (called the Minister) and Marco (said the 1st Thin) began to study together and we are very well. If the thing for you is fine we could even study in four rather than three, they all agree. We are all gay guys, but we do not have any prejudices against intelligent straight guys. Let me know what you think about.

Fabio (Failed genius)

GAY MELANCHOLY AND NOSTALGIA

Dear Project,

I’ll tell you my story. I hope you have the patience to hear and answer me and I know you’ll do it.

I’m 36, not very handsome but just quite passable, I’m not at the top of anything. Fortunately, I have a permanent employment, nothing special, but at least I can go on whit my life. I live at my parents’ home, maybe with a little effort I could even get to live alone, but I do not have a real reason to leave their home. My  parents are old but they are good people and love me. I do not know what they know or understand about me, but at home there is the rule well known in USA army: don’t ask, don’t tell. And I don’t think that such rule has been made in order to avoid me any trouble, my parents never asked me about such topics, even when I was 14. My life has not been very characterized by my being gay, a bit of porn but I’ve never had a fixed idea of such things, a bit of network news, but never chat or dating sites. Until 25 I had never known a gay person. I lived my life, gay things were more the side than the center of my life, they were, so to say, the forbidden and certainly not the daily normality. Things changed at Christmas of 2007. Through my fellow workers I had met a group of friends and had joined them though very reluctant because there were several enterprising girls I thought could put me in trouble. I was on the edge of the group, I went out with them but I did not really feel involved, then a boy younger than all of us, about 20 y. o. joined the group, I’ll call him Luca, he was a handsome boy but frankly, at the beginning, I felt that he was far away from me and kept him at a distance like everyone else. A girl tried to break ice with Luca, but Luca’s answers were not standard, he kept her away, playing a bit with her, but he did not get really involved. Luca also had another feature that intrigued me a lot, unlike all the others, he did not tell anyone his private facts and did not even tell the private facts of others. I slowly began to exchange some gaze with Luca, we did not even speak a single word, but I approved what he did and he approved what I did. Things  went on like this for a few weeks, then a timid dialog started in which we did not say anything of us, but we talked about different topics just for the pleasure of talking to each other. One afternoon I see him very nervous, I try to talk to him, but he reacts badly, I do not give up and insist, in the end, he tells me that a guy threatened him. I am puzzled and I try to understand something more, dialogue is very difficult. I try to make it clear but he does not explain anything, he is reticent, he falls in contradiction. I am very alarmed and I tell him that he must submit a complaint to the police and not endure the threats without doing anything, but I really do not know why he has been threatened or by whom. We keep talking about and in the end he tells me that he has invented everything and I’m very angry about all the story, something that rarely happens to me. he does not even justify himself, he just says hello and goes away, and I remain doubtful. The next day I try to insist, we meet in the evening, he lets me speak a lot but he speaks very little, I try to insist and he tells me: “But why do you care so much about me?” I hesitate before answering and he asks me: “Are you gay?” And I tell him “Yes I am”, and he replies that there is no need to do all that comedy, that if I want to have sex with him he is fine. It takes me off and I’m going to disappear instantly, but I tell him that maybe it will be for sex, but certainly not only for that, but in any case I liked him very much. He replies: “If you want to have sex ok, otherwise get lost! I don’t want people who just talk!” I wait a few seconds before answering but he does not wait, he turns and goes away. There is no need to say that I feel very bad, but I’m almost glad that such a story is over. I went home destroyed but taking for granted that I could not do anything for Luca. A couple of days later, he calls me by my intercom and just says, “Get down.” I step down and start talking but he immediately blocks me and says, “You made me not want to talk to you all the more,” and goes away. After another two or three scenes of this kind, hi gives me an ultimatum: have sex with him or disappear, I tell him I’m afraid of AIDS and he says to me: “but it’s OK also safe sex” and it ends that we go to a countryside and masturbate each other. He asks me if it was the first time for me, I tell him yes. I think everything is over but that’s not the case: we start talking and we go on talking until the next morning. When I went to work, apart from fatigue I had a thousand ideas that almost made my head burst. He had told me many things about himself and many things that were not good things, in practice he had showed me the worst side of himself, or at least what he considered so, that is, according to him, that he was obsessed with sex but he had never fallen in love with anyone. He told me not to take him seriously because beyond sex with me he did not care about anything else. At the time I thought he had put so many guys in big trouble and that he should not have done it, but he told them not to trust him, they trusted him and believed they could handle him at their own liking, and he could not bear such a thing. Then he started playing with them, deluding them and then disappointing them with some sharp comment or maybe not going to appointments and not answering the phone. Luca is not a jovial guy, is very sharp and aggressive, even if never really badly. Well, despite all this, I fell in love with him, even though I knew I would not have any chance. For long periods, we did not even talk on the phone, because he was in love with a guy and trying to build something with him, then he called me in his periods of depression that scared me badly. Sex was by then a kind of ploy to get some talk, it did not happen often, but when it happened it was a very serious thing. I tried to treat him always well and to be always available, and even he, all in all, I think has put some good will to treat me with respect. Since January I did not hear him anymore, which can also be a good thing because he might have found his stability with a guy but I’m still afraid the depression can put him in really bad situations. Now I do not know what to do if I have to call him or let everything go like this. After all I did not do anything for him. I miss him somewhat, but on the other hand I think I cannot really get into his world, or rather I do not think I can really bring him to something positive, that would be something positive only from own my point of view but probably not from his, which I cannot understand at all. Should I move first? It would please him or maybe I might just be there to remind him of old things that for him no longer make sense. At times I felt with him the sense of a total communication, but they were very rare moments. I feel a little blamed for not doing anything, but I’m also afraid to get in a relationship that I could not manage. My thoughts look like late changes of heart and maybe they are, I just need to know he’s fine but I’m sadden in immobility. What would you do if you were in my place? Look at your answer.

A. A.

LITTLE ENTHUSIASTIC HETERO? AND IF I WAS GAY?

Dear Project,

After browsing the forum long and wide and reading your book “Being Gay” I decided to write to you. I am 26 years old, I can say that I am quite poorly satisfied with my life, that is with my studies and, from a very short time, with my work, which I do not like too much, and I’d better say that I don’t like it at all, but if I think that so many guys cannot work at all, I can only think that I must keep it tight. There is another aspect of my life on which I’m thinking for hours every day. Let’s just say that I do not dislike girls, I mean that if a girl comes up and cuddles me in the right way, for me it’s okay. I had two stories with girls, the first began when I was 15, I came in it with enthusiasm because it made me feel great and it was not bad. I say so now, because I know how things have evolved afterwards. She did not want to go beyond well-defined limits and I did not want to go either, in fact we were good friends, we went out together, there was some tenderness, but without exaggerating, and that was okay. Then it all ended after three years, when our parents got in the way to formalize the thing, that is to make it become something different, and so began the rituals of engaged people, but these rituals did not please me or her, after a few months we ended up “by common agreement and without problems” that we were just good friends and so the story ended, with regret (and disappointment) of our parents. With the second girl, my present girl, things were very different, we were both 24 years old and had good prospects for study and work. Saying that we got together like a couple is improper. Even with her everything started with a friendship not particularly important. We often called each other on the phone, often came out, but always with groups of friends, sometimes we talked seriously, but especially about study and job prospects. After the second level degree, I managed to find a job and she has gone abroad for the PhD, neither of us thought that he or she could give up something in the name of the other, I rather encouraged her to go because so she would have had much better prospects. In the first few weeks we used to get in touch on Skype almost every day, now much less and, frankly, I don’t miss her, as I think she doesn’t miss me. So far this would be an ordinary story of a guy not too much interested in girls and especially not too much (in practice for nothing) interested in sex with girls, but things do not end here. I always had a lot of special friends and I was fine with them, but I have never felt any physical attraction for a guy, or maybe just a bit, but none of the things I read on the forum. For a few months I’ve met a guy who I’ll call Nino, twenty years old, a guy who hit me right away. I did not feel overwhelmed, what struck me was his emotional state and his level of participation in things. We got to talk a bit, I told him that my girlfriend is abroad and other things and he told me he is gay and is in love with a guy I know. The guy he is in love with is a nice guy, but I do not think he is gay even though I have never seen him with a girlfriend. Nino keeps telling me about this guy, I see that he is totally in love and I am really astonished at this, because if I think of my two girls, well, they were not very involved, while Nino practically lives for that guy and feels really uncomfortable for this reason. He was very astonished by my reaction to his revelations and said that he can only talk to me about these things, I try to warn him, for at the moment the other boy knows nothing and probably not even imagine that Nino fell in love with him, and the reaction could be not only of disengagement, but of total repulsion, and Nino could come out badly. Even here, in the end, it could be a bit less common story of a friendship between a heterosexual (I) and a gay guy (Nino), but things are more complicated because with the passing of time between me and Nino is tightening a very special tie. He tells me very beautiful things, which I enjoy, but the fact remains that even with all the good will I do not feel gay. I talk to him for hours, but then I forget it. He knows I’m hetero and have a girl, but he gives no consideration to that, and he is a very attractive and seductive with me, as if I were gay and about to fall in love with him, and from here on there is a problem for me too, because I like to be with him, but I do not want to deceive him, because he might feel very uncomfortable. When we talk, I tell him about my girlfriend, he tells me about his boyfriend, but basically we just talk about us, my girlfriend and his boyfriend are pretexts to keep talking without creating too much trouble. I also wondered if by chance I was gay, perhaps in a very special way, because with him I feel comfortable and the fact that he is gay and that he may have fallen in love with me (maybe the word is not suitable, but there is something similar) doesn’t even upset me, but it seems to me very nice because he has a behavior a lot different from that of girls, much more affectionate and much more direct, than I really like, but then I think everything could stop here. I add one thing: I would not mind being gay and fall in love with Nino, but at the moment it’s just a hypothesis, I do not know if something could come out later, surely with him I feel more involved than with a girl. Nino might seem a little effeminate, because he is always very kind and affectionate, but I do not see in him anything feminine and I do not consider him at all as I consider girls, I feel him much closer to me, with him it seems to me that could be possible that affectionate friendship that has always been my ideal, and the fact that he is gay, in the end, is just what makes this affectionate friendship possible. I would not, however, want to condition his life, this is my main concern. As you can see, Project, the problems are so many and so very interwoven with each other. In your opinion, what should I do?

Perplexed

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