Dear Project,

I briefly summarize the facts. I am 39, many, too many, up to 36 years, gay experiences absolutely zero, a bit of porn, a bit of fantasy, but never a real guy, a little for the fear of the illnesses and mainly because I did not even found one with whom it was worth trying. Clearly, I’ve known many good guys at a level of simple knowledge, but sympathy is not enough and if it does not start something even at the sexual level, it doesn’t even worth to start. Three years ago I knew a very young guy, 20 years old, a nice guy, I was very attracted to, but he was too young and I felt him far away, therefore I let him go as I was used to. But he did not do the same, did not go further, in fact he got closer and closer, put the squeeze on me, told me that he was gay and asked me explicitly whether I was gay or not, I honestly said I was, I tried to slip  because I did not want to get involved but then things changed, we talked a lot and I realized he was not a kid but a real man. I tried to resist a bit but then we ended up having sex, it was the first time for him and also for me, and I have to say that I was on the top of the world, I would never have expected such a thing. Nevertheless here were a lot of problems: the age difference was too much, he had a group of friends where I would stay neither here nor there. We met quite often, but always in absurd times and always secretly. Anyway with him I knew that sex is an important thing, because I did not think it was so until I was 36. Thinks went on like this for a couple of years, and I have to say that they were beautiful years I’ll never forget, then I began to see that after sex he was sad, almost outraged, he was nervous and did not want to talk, our meetings have become less frequent but continued. One day, after sex, I see him disturbed and I try to understand why and it comes out that he has another guy for months who does not know about us, and also that my friend tries to focus his attention on that other guy but his attempts fail. He tells me that it would be better if we cut ties and do not meet anymore, he tells me such things sadly, it’s obvious that he’s trying to build a serious relationship with the other guy. We greet each other with the commitment not to meet anymore and things go on like this for a dozen days, then he calls me newly and tells me that he wants to see me. I know that “see me” means really having sex. The sex we do is not dangerous, in practice only intimate pampering and mutual masturbation, but I feel deeply embarrassed because of the other guy. He tells me that the other guy does not know about me and will never know. Tells me: “I cannot stay away from you!”, that is without having sex with you, he insists that I do not have to say no, because he really needs it, and he states it with the utmost seriousness, I don’t know what to say, and now I am in uncertainty. What should I do? It is obvious that in theory the best thing would be to cut ties and let him free to stay with that other guy, who is almost his boyfriend, and fundamentally that would also be the right thing but for him (Sandro) to feel rejected by me would certainly be a very bad experience. He insist, and wants to engage me, I know he would have been bad if I told him no. He explicitly asked me to tell him no, in order to let him go, but I think this is just a rational attitude, emotionally, being sexually rejected by me, the more after all that there has been between us, for Sandro, would be really humiliating, and on the other hand, I’m fine with him, I’ve always been fine and I think I would also be now, in spite of everything, because for me, sexuality and love (true love) have only one name: Sandro. When I hear his voice I melt, I do not think he is just looking for sex, because a guy like him, if he wants, can find one hundred of guys. Between us there is a special feeling, but he understands that if there was a tighter connection, like boyfriends (an expression I do not like at all), he would feel in the cage and therefore rationally tries to set me aside. On one side I know what I should do but on the other side the temptation to meet Sandro is very strong. In the end, if he was really fine with the other guy, Sandro would not look for me. I think of him very much, I cannot deny that I feel deeply involved because the only guy I fell in love with and who really loved me wants to stay with me, and for me he is the only important guy. Would he really feel good with his boyfriend, I would set aside without blinking if I could see him really happy, but he kept looking for me, non for other guys but just for me, and this makes me melt completely.



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