BISEXUALITY IN AN ONLINE INTERVIEW

1) My age
Thirty years
 
2) My sexual orientation and its evolution
For 3-4 years now, after my first gay relationship, I recognize that I’m bisexual, but it’s a very difficult, distressing, suffering condition, I continue to live hetero sentimental stories, and strong, very beautiful hetero love, but at the time of going to the deep I block myself, come back to my gay side and after a period, I miss women in an incredible way. It’s a profound restlessness, a desire to always be where one is not. Of course I have always and only felt love for girls, and I had only a few sexual intercourses with guys. My relationships with women are always very gratifying, I like them, I feel a deep attraction towards women but I cannot undertake a love story with them with a capital A. I’m scared, I flee and go back to look for some gay sex adventure one night and away, over time I’m afraid to isolate myself emotionally and I told myself that I could not throw myself into a gay love story, because I would miss women, but at the same time, and I stress at the same time, I’m afraid of frustrating this gay side of me that still comes up as soon as I pretend not to see it.
 
3) When and how I realized I was gay
Personally I always knew I had an attraction toward guys, but I never thought I was fully gay. The first episodes so to say a bit destabilizing were from sixth to eighth grade, I masturbated thinking of some of my male classmates, but I masturbated even thinking of some of my female classmates.
 
4) When and how I accepted to be gay
I accepted this gay side, but I would also call it movement, wave, dynamic, for 4 years now, but I still don’t recognize myself as gay and at the same time I know I’m not straight.
 
5) The difficulties I have encountered in accepting my gay identity
I have problems for several years, I live in this fluctuation in a very personal way, I have never expressed to anyone this emotional and sexual whirlwind, I don’t know how it will end in the future I know that going in one direction rather than another would not make me happy.
 
6) The situations of hardship that I have faced and that I have to face as a gay
Well sometimes talking with gay friends or with people about sexuality, yes, I’m calm, but never having told anyone what I feel I’m always afraid that the person can discover me and therefore judge me badly, also because I’m openly hetero.
 
7) Who knows about me
Nobody precisely.
 
8) The relationship with my parents
An immense question. The relationship with my parents is difficult, it has been and will be. I come from a family that I would call poor psychologically, with many emotional problems and a myriad of depressive / frustrating dynamics. Only recently I was able to emotionally cut the umbilical cord and not by chance in coincidence with the affirmation at the rational and conscious level, therefore even at the practical one, of my gay side.
 
9) My relationship with my friends
Few friends, but with them I have good relationships. I tend to be very suspicious and this perhaps undermines the depth of certain friendships.
 
10) Where do my knowledge of gay reality come from?
A few from interpersonal acquaintances, a lot on the level of personal study and research.
 
11) My relationship with my nakedness and that of others
Well, in a sporting environment, I am extremely shy, I have always been very ashamed to take a shower with other guys. When I was a child I invented a thousand excuses not to do it. There is still something left today, for example in my intimate relationships with girls, I cannot sleep naked. I always need the underpants, which I take off and then put on during the intercourses.
 
12) My relationship with masturbation
I masturbate so much for the age that I have, mainly with gay fantasies, since I satisfy the straight ones, on the contrary when I happened to have satisfied those gays, I could not wait to see bare women.
 
13) My relationship with pornography
Pornography helped me to overcome many barriers, made me a little less modest, and now I satisfy my gay fantasies with pornography.
 
14) My relationship with meeting sites and erotic chats
Only and exclusively during the periods when the gay side re-emerges, in search of a gay sexual adventure.
 
15) How I tried to realize my affectivity / sexuality
I didn’t try. I’ve been living for 4 years now my gay sexuality but very slowly, almost a relationship every 8 or 10 months, I don’t feel affection with the guys, I live the emotional and sexual sphere instead normally with the female gender apart obviously when my gay side resurfaces.
 
16) My relationship with girls
Very particular, I never managed to live a love story with a capital A, I fell in love many times, some in an extremely involving  way, completely forgetting for some periods my gay side, then when things and situations have required a lasting emotional commitment, I have somehow declared myself unprepared to live it, precisely because I couldn’t start a deep relationship with a woman if before I hadn’t really understood how I am done, this thing is paradoxical, but I repeat, source of great suffering. Deep love relationships with women make me so afraid, afraid of being abandoned and afraid of suffering. I also thought that the gay part of me, was actually an excuse that I give myself not to finally throw me to live a love story in a full and deep way.
 
17) My relationship with straight guys
90% of my frequentations are with straight guys, I feel great with them, talking about women, football etc. I’ve always been one of them. 
 
18) My relationship with gay guys
Problematic, they make me a little afraid and they create distrust. Only on rare occasions I was starting to cultivate some friendship, but in general I avoid them, if not for reserved sex. 
 
19) What strikes me most in a guy
The physique I think. 
 
20) My previous affective life
Before 4 years ago, I was searching to discover the female gender, then I experienced great crashes perhaps but just one love, but not deep just as stated previously. 
 
21) My current affective situation
Hard, I think I’m in love with a girl, physically and emotionally, but in the conditions of current emotional instability, the usual crossroad arrived, and I pulled back, you don’t know how much I miss her. 
 
22) My degree of emotional satisfaction
Absolutely sacrificed by this emotional fluctuation in one sense and another. 
 
23) My degree of sexual satisfaction
Satisfying with the female gender, but after a while elusive, the male side I have always lived it in an elusive way and every time I decide to live it, the desire for sex with women returns.
 
24) The weight of sex in my affective world
With women very present and connected with the affective sphere, but I don’t always live it as an absolute necessity, just because I say I can do without it having another type of sex available in which I can take refuge in times when things require a strong emotional investment. 
 
25) What I would like from my boyfriend
I never had a boyfriend, never thought of living in a gay couple situation. 
 
26) What I think I can give to my boyfriend  
See above. 
 
27) My desires in relation to my emotional / sexual life
A little balance, the fear, the suffering of living a state of emotional and sexual precariousness wear me out. I am noticing that over the years I tend to be more and more closed in myself, renouncing the opportunity to live a deep love relationship. 
 
28) My frustrations in relation to my emotional / sexual life
Relate to my desires. 
 
29) What I would like to know about the emotional / sexual life of other gay guys
Experiences similar to mine, if someone experiences my own feelings and upsets. 
 
30) How I consider myself informed about sexual behavior at risk
Very much.
____________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-bisexuality-in-an-online-interview

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