Below you can read the online interview of a 36-year-old guy who lives an important hetero relationship and has had experiences with both boys and girls but considers himself a gay in the impossibility of being gay, who also lives an authentic hetero life but not entirely satisfactory.
1) My age
I’m 36 years old
2) My sexual orientation and its evolution
I had both (sexual and amorous) relationships with both women and men. I am currently with a woman for a few years now. But I am certainly physically attracted to men. So I think I’m gay. Yet even sex with women has always been good, always sought and felt satisfying, but not entirely, in the sense that the attraction for my own sex has never been eliminated. My longest and most important stories have been hetero, but I have always felt the need for erotic fantasies and sex with boys, perhaps because sex with women has never failed me, as it happened to me for long periods with boys.
3) When and how I realized I was gay
I always knew that I was physically attracted to the boys. Maybe when I was 13-14 years old I still didn’t understand if it was curiosity, or I was gay or bisexual, since I also liked going with girls (but I don’t understand this even now). But I think that if being gay means experience sexual attraction for people of the same sex, then I’ve always known I was gay since I remember.
4) When and how I accepted to be gay
When I met a guy I fell badly in love with. I realized that it couldn’t remain a hidden attraction, an erotic fantasy or a fleeting escapade, I needed that boy to feel myself realized with him. I would have accepted my homosexuality and I would have made sure that others would accept it if the story could have progressed. He was my best friend (so I thought at the beginning). But he accepted his homosexuality even less than how I accepted mine, practically he didn’t accept himself at all as a gay, so after some shy sexual contact between us, at first a bit for fun, then in a painful pull and spring, he wanted to deny everything and reaffirm his heterosexuality. He didn’t even talk with me again, perhaps out of fear that I would let this story, lived in the shadows, could come out. Yet it was a relationship that has tied us for about two years.
5) The difficulties I have encountered in accepting my gay identity
Not having an absolute sexual tendency (neither gay nor heterosexual) has pushed me not to live my being in the light of the sun, in relationships with others. I never seriously thought about coming out, a little out of fear – as everyone, I think – but a little because I’ve never thought to give up a part of me, one of my sexual components (I had and I have important hetero stories). For myself, I accepted myself well enough without excessive conflict. Outside, with others it’s another thing.
6) The situations of hardship that I have faced and that I have to face as a gay
The greatest difficulties and sufferings I experience are related to the fact that I live my being gay in the shadows, opening myself only with a few boys and fearing that someone may come to know.
7) Who knows about me
The boy of my second gay story of true falling in love (and little sex), with which, however, I don’t talk anymore, a few gay friends (with whom, however, there has always been a shallow friendship, with almost all of them I have had sex, almost all adventures that lasted a little without too much involvement).
8) The relationship with my parents
Good. I have not lived with them for a long time. They never suspected anything.
9) My relationship with my friends
Good. I tend to have few real friends, but I care a lot about them, and I attach great importance to the consideration they have of me.
10) Where do my knowledge of gay reality come from?
They come more than anything from the comparison of my experiences with those of other boys I know who live in my same situation. Too little anyway (compared to what I would like) from the direct conversation with gay guys, much more via internet sites like this.
11) My relationship with my nakedness and that of others
I have no problem showing me naked or being with other naked boys or girls.
12) My relationship with masturbation
I live it well. I consider it a healthy and normal satisfaction of our desire. Certainly it comes to the background compared to couple relationships (in the sense that I feel marginally the need for masturbation when the sexual couple sexual intercourses are not scarce). But having predominantly heterosexual relationships, while masturbate, homosexual erotic fantasies emerge in an exclusive way.
13) My relationship with pornography
Moderate. Also this can attract me more in periods of prolonged abstention from homosexual intercourses, similarly to the previous point.
14) My relationship with meeting sites and erotic chats
Sometimes I tried to meet on the internet. Few times with satisfactory outcome. Driven by the desire to meet people like me with whom to make friends (or maybe even just sex? ) without being exposed in places in which I could risk being known. The erotic chats, on the other hand, don’t attract me at all.
15) How I tried to realize my affectivity / sexuality
As for the realization of affectivity, I think I have had several significant stories. I think the most significant ones were with two boys and two girls; the last one is with the woman with whom I live, which emotionally allowed me to realize myself fully and that is the person I love most. The two boys I fell in love with in the past have made me live two stories equally affectively important in which, however, there was no satisfactory sexuality (with the first almost nothing) most likely for their difficulty to accept themselves for what they were and for the will to self-impose a straight life. I do not know if I feel very accomplished sexually. Homo sexual relations attract me and I miss them, but they can only be clandestine betrayals of the person I love, with a consequent sense of guilt towards her and terror of being discovered. On the other hand, for me affectivity and sexuality have never been coincident, but the rest of the world does not seem to think so. Patience!
16) My relationship with girls
Great. I can make good friends with the girls.
17) My relationship with straight guys
Great. I would like more time to spend with friends.
18) My relationship with gay guys
Repressed. In the sense that I have some gay friends and I have no problem attending them. But with those of my circle I can not declare myself gay and so the relationship remains much more superficial or distorted than I would like. With those I have known outside my circle of straight friends, with whom I can be open, the relationships are more sparse and therefore also unsatisfactory compared to what I would like.
19) What strikes me most in a guy
In addition to the physical appearance? Spontaneity and ease and freedom from any taboo or social convention on sex, nudity, etc. I would say the serenity and naturalness with which he addresses his own drives and relates to those of others.
20) My previous affective life
Always messed up: between falling in love with girls and falling in love with boys, the latter without being able to have full sexual satisfaction. And on the other hand, various sex stories without any emotional implication with girls and boys. I feel a constant tension due to the fact that I cannot fully and exclusively dedicate myself to heterosexual relationships nor to gay relationships, and therefore I live never making a choice here or there, having never been fully satisfied neither from one side or the other.
21) My current affective situation
It’s been a while since I have a female partner who emotionally gives me everything I need. Sex also works well between us. I no longer fell in love with guys, although I almost constantly feel the lack of sexual relationships with other guys, in terms of pure erotic desire, while in the past there may have been a real love. Sometimes I wonder if I would miss sexual relations with women if I had a stable relationship with a boy. I don’t know .. But I know that with no boy I managed to combine sex and affectivity as with the girl I’m with. It makes me think that I’m fine, even if I miss something. You cannot have everything, life is made of compromises, and so on …
22) My degree of emotional satisfaction
The story that I am living with my partner satisfies me emotionally, even if the phase of falling in love is now over. Sometimes I wonder if in a relationship between boys there could be a greater understanding or a greater complicity (so it seemed to me in my previous experiences). But maybe it’s not like that; these are probably things that vary from person to person more than on the basis of being male or female.
23) My degree of sexual satisfaction
Needless to deny it, physically I miss gay sex, I feel the need and I find the way to satisfy it too rarely and clandestinely with occasional relationships often unsatisfactory because of the absence of the affective side.
24) The weight of sex in my affective world
Enough. But I feel the two things like on two different levels. When the two things touch each other in a single person, we can be happy with it, however the two levels are able to meet each other. But it is not common.
25) What I would like from my boyfriend
To be able to accept each other for what we are, to be able to tell everything with naturalness and sincerity, to be able to do everything we like not caring about what people think.
26) What I think I can give to my boyfriend
If you love someone you give him everything you can if he wants it. The most precious thing would be sincerity, but it is necessary that your partner wants it and can accept it. But I don’t feel my current relationship this way: could she believe in our relationship if I told her that I miss sexual relationships with men?
27) My desires in relation to my emotional / sexual life
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a friend in my same situation, to be able to have a gratifying sexual relationship without being afraid of being discovered or losing my female partner. So I could satisfy both my sexual / affective impulses. A bit like in “The ignorant fairies” …
28) My frustrations in relation to my emotional / sexual life
The need to give up on homosexual relationships a bit out of respect for my female partner and a little for fear of being discovered by her. Having unsatisfactory or non-serene homosexual relationships because they are carried out in a clandestine manner with occasional and limping relationships on the affective side.
29) What I would like to know about the emotional / sexual life of other gay guys
I would like to know their life better (every life is a universe in itself), I miss it and I have always lacked the sharing of experiences with other gay guys.
30) How I consider myself informed about sexual behavior at risk
I know what there is to know about safe sex.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-36-years-old-guy-between-gay-and-bisexual