I am 56 years old, I’ve been separated from my wife for over twenty years, I have a 26 year old son, whom I’ll call Andrew here, but it’s not his name. As long as my son was 19-20 years old I had only a very conditioned relationship with him because of his mother’s presence. In practice all his choices were directed by his mother, I felt in him a hostility towards me and I could not find a credible reason for it. My son was formal with me, he kept me at a distance, he always answered me evasively and, in practice, I think he didn’t even like spending time with me even if I did everything not to condition him.
With my wife, in the first months after the separation, the relationship was more difficult, then, over time, things changed, there was Andrew between us, and neither I nor my wife tried to build us a new life. As long as Andrew was 15- 16, it often happened that my wife and I talked about him, especially because it was not good at school and we didn’t know what to do, then my wife gradually closed in a complete silence on Andrew, she gave me some news but only with the dropper and knowing something from Andrew was practically impossible because a priori he saw me as an enemy.
Things between us have changed only last summer for a reason related to my work and this fact has changed my life objectively. I work in the police, it is not the easiest and most rewarding job but it is what I had always wanted. Well, a few months ago, a very delicate investigation had brought me into contact with a group of gay guys, not people from strange circles but only gay boys. Two of these boys were suspected of a rather heavy crime and ran major criminal risks. It seemed that all the clues focused on these two guys but I had talked to them and they didn’t really have anything to make me think they could commit a crime like that, which had the typical mark of professionals.
I make the story short, to leave things vague and don’t put anyone’s privacy at risk. In practice I didn’t close the case because too much things seemed strange to me and I went deeper into the matter and an the end it turned out that those two boys had nothing to do with the crime but had been put in the middle by three real criminals. For those guys it ended well, because they hadn’t done anything bad, but it is clear that for them it was probably the worst adventure of their lives, they were adults but still very young and their parents had been involved, had come to know that the two boys were gay and had reacted in the worst way.
After the investigations were over, the real culprits were sent to court and the position of the two boys was closed because they were clearly unrelated to the facts. The two boys felt respected by me and, when things were over, they came to see me first in my office and then at home, I talked with them several times and we also went to dinner together. Well, on that occasion I understood more closely what are gays, not that before I had particular prejudices but objectively I didn’t know too much.
Well, these facts, dating back to a few months before, had reached the ear of my son who sometime after the end of the criminal misadventure of the two boys, had known them and had begun to frequent them.
Note, Project, although it seems paradoxical, that I didn’t know that my son was attending them but they knew that Andrew was my son and they didn’t tell me anything, it was my son who one day called me at office and invited me at dinner, something decidedly unusual, that had never happened, we arranged to meet at my usual pizzeria and he showed up with the two boys and sat down with them at my table.
On the first moment I was a bit perplexed and didn’t know what to say, even if getting to the conclusion was actually very easy. Andrew told me: “Dad, well, there’s no need to say anything, no need even to mention the hardest thing … isn’t it?” I replied:” Well, obviously no need . . . “.
Then Andrea told me that he had understood who I really was through those two guys, because my wife had always dissuaded him from the idea of speaking openly with me, telling him that I would never understand or accept him.
It is a year that I recovered the relationship with my son and it is a beautiful thing, we often hear each other and sometimes he comes to my house with his friends, I say my house, but in essence it is his house because he stays almost always by me.
Now I know several of his friends and they are guys like him, sometimes we all sit together in the living room and talk to each other, they are guys who fall in love with boys, I think that being gay is just that, but they fall in love really and then, even if they are boys around 25 years old (some already work) I see that they are happy to come to see me because it’s a bit like they are finding that welcoming family they’ve never had. Seeing these guys up close I just don’t understand why so many people are angry with them, they are very good guys and should be understood and respected.
Now I break a spear in favor of my wife, she didn’t try to turn away Andrew from me to keep him all for herself, but, before, she really thought I would have taken it very badly . . . this is the sign of how little communication there can be between a husband and a wife. Now my relationship with my wife has improved precisely because she understood that I wouldn’t in any way make life difficult for Andrew.
To think that my son trusts me, that he considers me a proper person with whom he can speak on equal terms, fills me with joy because I feel again that I have a role in his life. With me he doesn’t act a comedy but says what he really thinks. By now he is no longer a boy but he is an adult man and he is a man who is proper, reliable, who has dignity and would never lower himself to petty things.
Many times we even talked about sex and we talked about it in a very direct way. In those situations I tried to be as honest as possible with him, without acting the part of the father. I don’t think that for a father there is anything more beautiful than feeling appreciated by his son and that is what for some months now begins to happen to me.
Project, I sent you this email because my son made me discover Gay Project and he told me about it very well. I tried to read as much as possible and I can only confirm what my son told me. Go ahead in doing what you are doing and don’t give up for any reason because you are doing something that has a profound meaning, even if often not visible, you are sowing good wheat that will bear its fruit. Obviously I would like to see this email published and I think that reading it on your blog would also please my son! Good evening, Project, from today you have a friend more.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-father-policeman-and-gay-son