Hello Project, I send you this e-mail because reading your site made me feel better and I found the courage to do something that I would never have done before, that is to send you this e-mail.
I am a 24-year-old boy who has always considered himself heterosexual and in a sense still considers himself heterosexual even now. I have a girlfriend and I have a good relationship with her, I don’t know if we will get married because there are many problems linked to the necessity of finishing our formation path at the university and to finding work, but we are fine together, I also have with her a good sexual partnership, better than that I had with other girls. I have never had the fixed idea of running after girls and even less of running after the guys.
If I had to look at the things you value to understand the sexual orientation I should say that I am 100% hetero, except for something that I have always known, that is a form of aesthetic admiration for some guys I like just like for their physicality and perhaps also as psychological model of the person. The guys I look at, I state it with no doubts, always without sexual involvement, are very few, not one in a hundred or maybe in a thousand, the others are totally indifferent for me, but I stop to look at those very few, because they seem beautiful, perfect from my point of sight. All this is a premise.
This morning, at the secretariat of my faculty, however, something happened that really messed me up a lot. I had taken the number and sat down to wait, at a certain point a guy entered who enchanted me. Very young, I think a freshman, because if there had been one like this the last years I would have certainly noticed him, tall, dark blond, very light skin, with glasses, a bit scruffy, but as are people who are not obsessed with perfection, barely long hair. I tried to watch him without his noticing me. Our eyes met three times in all the waiting time, but just in passing, I think he didn’t even notice, but I experienced a very strong effect of it, I repeat, Project, nothing sexual, just a very strong sense of tenderness, I would have embraced, cuddled, defended him by everything and everyone, he seemed to me a piece of pure humanity, let’s say perfect, in a place where everything is uncertain and strange, also because he was not only beautiful but had very tender attitudes and ways of doing, at least to me they seemed so.
I continued to watch him with the fear that he realized he was being watched, I was fascinated by the fact that he didn’t seem aware of his beauty, he didn’t smile, was very serious, almost absorbed in his thoughts and stranger to that environment. Then they called my number and I went to the counter, when I finished that guy was gone and I felt alone and even at home he came back to my mind many times, as usual nothing sexual, but he made me feel more tenderness than how my girlfriend does and I thought that falling in love with such a guy is not even linked to being gay, I don’t feel gay but being close to that guy I think could give me some affectionate, intimate moments, more intense than those I experience with girls. Can I, at 24 years, be about to open my eyes in front of the fact that I’m not entirely heterosexual or at least I am not heterosexual from the affective point of view?
I read a lot of what you wrote about bisexuality and about the fact that boys usually fall in love with a girl and want a boyfriend sexually, the opposite happens to me, I feel attracted towards some guys but sex has nothing to do with it or I think it has nothing to do with it, but I thought about that guy a lot. I mean that if that guy would have fell in love with me and he was gay, even if I don’t feel gay, with that guy I think I would be fine, with him, but only with him. For someone like me it is not obvious to come to a conclusion like this.
Could it be a first step towards homosexuality or do you think it has nothing to do with it? I’m not interested in guys but, if I had to say, to just in that one guy, I would like to be close to him, I don’t really think about sex, I’ve said it many times, what does all this mean? There is another thing that embarrasses me: with my girlfriend, with whom I use to speak just about everything, I would never dare to make a speech like that, if I don’t tell her anything I think I’m deceiving her, but if I tell her what happened probably I would make a mess and then what could I tell her? That I saw a charming guy? Because in fact this is precisely what happened. Is there a homosexuality without sex? Or is it a stupid question? What should I expect for my future? I greet you and I hope in your answer.
“That person is so special and there is a so particular affinity, that this is independent of sex and sexual orientation”. Well, that’s exactly what came to my mind when I read your story. I would like to add a couple of things that seem to me relevant to your situation. You say you have a girlfriend and that to some degree you are thinking about marriage. I would put this as the main thought beyond your orientation. I wonder if the things you’ve tried at any level have shocked you in some way. The real problem would be to be gay and get married or otherwise find yourself not in love and marry all the same. I mean, do you really experience the same kind of transport towards your girlfriend that you felt for that guy? With the due differences would you say the same things about her? That is “she could also be a male but I would be fine with her anyway”? And again … Is it necessary to try those things, that is, those that you have felt for the guy, in order to be considered in love? In short, if you reason already in view of marriage it makes more sense to ask these questions BEFORE and not after.
On your perplexities about sexual orientation I don’t want to say much else. I am sure that if you already have had an exchange of e-mails with Project, he will have already made an objective picture of the situation and in these things he always has a reassuring style that helps a lot to clear up ideas. I conclude only by telling you that since staying here a bit with us doesn’t cost you anything and you never have to decide in a hurry in such things, it remains that here you will notice quite easily if something moves you inside or if you notice certain assonances between your story and those of other guys.
To reply to this email I want to mention a small episode that has left me a bit perplexed but that perhaps has something to do with these issues.
During lunchtime in a nice spring day a friend of mine invited me to eat a pizza: we went to a tavern that I didn’t know and we approached the counter to ask for a table. While we were waiting for our shift a waiter passes by who is of an indescribable beauty; tall, slender, thin profile, little nose upturned, light eyes and very short and black hair a little unkempt.
The service uniform was tight because he had a very well-defined body, even if probably not trained at the gym. He was preparing drinks at the counter.
My friend, (a straight guy, I’ve known him for a long time and I’m sure) very candidly tells me: “Did you see those pectorals? It’s incredible, look at that shoulders, he’s really well handsome! Oh yes he’s really beautiful, look what a body!” I, surprised, I answered something like:” Um! Cough cough, what do you think he’s pouring? f-from the bottle I think Montenegro … ” I was stunned! Then I thought a bit about and I came to the conclusion that it makes no sense that sexual orientation must necessarily influence the idea of “beauty” that one has: if a heterosexual guy makes an impromptu appreciation on another male he does it simply to talk about his concept of beauty: it was I the one “with the straw tail” [who was wracked with guilt or hesitation] I had difficulty splitting his judgment on the beauty of the waiter from a something sexual, from the physical attraction that I instead can experience.
It is clear, however, that the association “physical beauty” -> “sexual interest” is an indestructible cliché of common sense, where in fact I fell that time too.
I was struck by this email and I really liked the way G.A. exposed his reaction to the sight of that charming guy. I read answers and, even if I’m aware that I should read them more carefully, I would like to say what I think. I will try to be synthetic and clear.
Let’s start from what happened: G.A. saw a nice guy, but the reaction was not simply that of admiration, so I think we can say that the reaction is of an emotional kind. This is the first point. If so, it is normal that G.A. reacted with a certain upsetting: he has always considered himself heterosexual, he has a relationship with a girl and with her he also has a good sexual partnership. Nevertheless he felt the need to search the internet for something that would help him shed light on that reaction. It does not surprise me. It was a bolt from the blue. But, since the reaction has been affective, and not of sexual-genital attraction, it seems to me that it was a signal launched from the heart and that it has found the free way to reach the level of awareness.
A signal, however, does not indicate a certainty, just as a swallow is not enough to say that spring has arrived. It must certainly be taken into consideration and interpreted, but we must be very careful not to immediately jump to the easy conclusions. In this sense, remembering Pascal who says: “The heart has its reasons that the reason doesn’t know”, if it is right and legitimate to ask the questions necessary to read and interpret the fact, it is also necessary to pay attention to avoid falling into excessive rationalization with questions that demand answers that can easily risk not to take into account the emotional dimension. The heart takes a lot of time to talk and be heard. If this were not so, why do many find it difficult to accept situations that are of obvious evidence?
For example, many homosexuals (I speak from experience) refuse for years the idea of accepting and defining themselves as such, despite the evidence and the signs that their interiority is constantly launching. But not only the repressed homosexuals react like that. Every man may have experienced similar situations of resistance in fields also very far from affectivity: the head says something and the heart rebels. Then? Then, one becomes aware of the fact that has happened and examines it but without too much reasoning about it. If you leave the space, the heart will find the way to launch other signals and with serenity the person will be able to understand if that episode was just an episode, or a strong jolt able to make him understand that perhaps his belief in sexual orientation requires a certain revision and a more careful observation.
G.A. stressed that the sexual sphere was inexistent in the whole affair. This does not upset me and it could even be a signal not to be underestimated. Lately in other posts we have discussed precisely the fact that being gay is not mainly connected with the genital attraction for people related only to their biological sex, but it concerns a higher emotional sphere that embraces even the sexual one. I think, for example, of the answer that Project gave to the topic that I have opened on erotic gestures over time and that clearly expresses this concept, or there is the discussion about what it really means to be gay. In both it is stressed that being gay means living a dimension that is mainly emotional. I conclude by encouraging G.A. not to enter the circle of those who want everything and immediately, and not to worry too much for his girlfriend when he feels that he is deceiving her.
Now he must stand before himself and to do so it takes patience and attention. Precisely because he is the first interested person. it is not necessary for others to enter your inner sphere too soon, even if it is your girlfriend. Sometimes speaking too soon about things not yet very well defined can create considerable inconvenience, as you have rightly noted. If she loves you and if the search for the truth about you takes a new direction accepted with respect and with the utmost sincerity by you, she will notice it and will also feel that you have absolutely hidden nothing. Good luck and a good journey. Whatever it is, I wish you to be happy!
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-non-sexual-gay-love-and-sublimation