GAY SEX AND SENSE OF DOMINATION AND INTRUSION

Hello Project, I am a 26 year old guy and I live in a big city in the north, I’m writing to you because for some time now, let’s say about three years, I’m starting to think that I will never have a life with a guy, because I don’t feel suitable for a married life. I tried, but practically in all cases I ended up betraying my boyfriend of the time. I was engaged with one but then I came to have sex with other guys and at the end I felt very bad. The very few times I fell in love, or maybe I should say the only time, I felt just a shit, for me it was a very important thing and instead I was treated like a punching bag and now, after several attempts, all ended badly for my fault, I am beginning to look for easy sex even with strangers and sometimes even at risk, rather it is as if the risk attracted me and made me forget any prudence, a kind of challenge with myself. I know very well that the risk is real but I end up taking it as a bet and I have to say I’m not scared. 
 
Don’t tell me that this is a stupid behavior, I know it from myself, but it is that when I am there, in the end I don’t hold back. It happened several times, especially a few years ago, now much less because maybe if it is to meet them in person I prefer guys I think I can trust, maybe they would tell me if they have behaved at risk, even if they trust me too, and doing so they are deceiving themselves, because I have run my risks many times. Now, let’s say that I risk less because I use a lot of sex on cam, in practice we masturbate in chat with guys I catch in the chat, first of all it is not dangerous for health, and it is not a trivial matter, but there is other. Many people have sex on cam, it is at zero risk, and all in all it would not create particular problems, but for me things are different because I use sex in chat to feel a sense of domination over the guys I meet, to bring them to doing things that they wouldn’t like to do and are things that I’m very ashamed of.
 
I’ll give you an example, I almost always choose guys who are in pairs, I contact a guy, then I propose to him a masturbation on cam, he agrees and then I ask him to tell me, before starting, about his boyfriend, to tell me how he has it, what they do together etc. etc. and then I ask him for a picture of his boyfriend and in general, at this point the guys make a lot of stories at the beginning, but then they give me the pictures and they also send me videos of when they have sex with their boyfriends. Other times when we are chatting, I want the guy to call his boyfriend on the phone so that I can see him while having sex on the phone with his boyfriend, while he sees me masturbating.
 
This is more or less the picture, Project, I understand from myself that there is something that does not work. It excites me a lot to slowly bring the guys to give up and do things that at first they don’t want to do, it’s like I have a power over them and then there’s something that scares me a lot, I do not have sex with these guys because I fell in love or I got a crush on them, I don’t care about them, I like having sex and especially knowing that I can have a power over them.
 
At other times it is as if I wanted to intrude in the intimate affairs of the guys I contact, as if I wanted to put myself between them and their boyfriends, as if I wanted to take advantage of my charm to put them in crisis. I also have some friends with whom I have had and I still have sex sometimes, I don’t know if they know me deeply but I don’t believe so, that is, they wouldn’t expect me to behave like I really behave.
 
Project, I read in the forum about sex as tenderness, well, I just cannot think of such a thing, for me sex is just sex and it’s very important because it gives me power over other guys and makes me feel dominator. I talked about these things with a friend of mine with whom I had a story, according to my opinion just a sex story or a story mostly sexual, and according to his one, perhaps, even a story with a real feeling.
 
With him I had never come to do the filth that I did and still I do with others, but I had led him get used to live sex freely and I thought I had really dominated him, in the sense that he never said no to me. Well, now I talked with him about these things, that is, about sex as a way of dominating people, and he told me that he never felt dominated and didn’t even think that he was the dominator, these ideas of power over the partner never crossed his mind,  talking to me he put me in crisis, because I cannot fall in love with anyone and I think that a guy would never be enough for me.
 
With this friend of mine I talk about everything, especially about sex, about what I do with the other guys, let’s say I would like to be able to excite him this way, especially because I would feel like I have a power over him, but he tells me that he always assumed that I had my sex life and he loves me as I am, because I’m a fundamental person for him. When he says these things on the phone I close the conversation because I don’t want to build something that has a true emotional basis, I’m worried about these things, and to be honest to the end, this friend of mine, for me, is not really the maximum of the sexual attraction.
 
What should I do to have a normal sex life? First of all to put aside the whole idea of accepting the risk that instead fascinates me, I don’t know, perhaps for some self-destructive drive, and then how to live sex in a normal way? Without the idea of domination, without having to enter the intimate life of the guys who masturbate on cam with me. They are tempted by me because they are quite nice guys, and they end up doing what they don’t want by putting their boyfriends in crisis and then they feel the guilt and finally I unload them. Why cannot I fall in love with anyone? Why cannot I have a “normal” wank on cam? Sometimes I hate myself but I don’t know how to get out of it. What do you think, Project?
 
 Below you can read my answer.
 
After reading your email carefully I sent you my skype contact, I had sketched an answer and waited to finish it before posting. Then last night you added me on skype and we talked for a long time. Well, I deleted the response I had prepared and I began to prepare a new answer, not because there was something to add to what we said on Skype, but because it could also be useful to many other guys.
 
As I told you yesterday, talking to you directly I found many elements of reflection that don’t emerge from the email. First of all, you have an attention towards your friends that leads you to not have sex with them if you are not sure, by the response of the test, that you cannot infect them with hiv. Now you don’t have 100% certainty and therefore no sex with them, because you don’t want to expose to any risk people who love you. A reasoning of this kind is high-profile and suggests that you have a rational control of your actions. But the fact remains that you tend to postpone the test over time, which doesn’t make sense, because you have to think about your health and if you have even the slightest doubt you don’t have to postpone the test for any reason.
 
I noticed that you tend to devalue yourself and say that your fate doesn’t matter at all because all those with whom you have been, finally kicked you out, but things are not like that at all, from what you told me, you have friends who are very interested in you and make you understand it and on the other hand you too love these friends to the point of not having sex with them when you feel like it, if you think there can be even a minimum risk.
 
It seems as if you are looking for sex as a substitute for affectivity and at the same time that you try to consider sex as something that is as far away as possible from affectivity. You are afraid to build a stable couple life, it is as if you try to exorcise this eventuality looking for guys with whom to have very superficial contacts and above all trying to see in the sex a means of domination, as if it were a compensation to the lack of affection.
 
Speaking with you last night made sense and it was evident, it was a very serious and very real dialogue, nothing to do with the talks that I do with guys who have now created a real dependence on sex. You accuse yourself of treason, ok, it happened, so what? Is it established that because it happened, maybe more than once, it will always be so? And then, from what you said, I had the impression that you put yourself in couple with another guy almost always to exorcise the emotional loneliness. At the beginning it worked but later it didn’t work anymore and then keeping faithful to a relationship in which you can no longer believe, it is difficult and it is also difficult to interrupt that relationship.
 
I think you have enormous potential for emotional life, which doesn’t necessarily and up in a stable pair, for example with your friends you live non-superficial affective relationships, with a little sex when it happens, but these are not banalities and it can be seen from the fact that such relationships last over the years and from the fact that you have esteem of those guys and you also feel affection for them.
 
Sex attracts you, well, it seems obvious to me, it is one of the most powerful forces of life, in all this there is nothing absurd. In all this there is nothing strange or bad, the harm is the damage that is done to another person, for example putting in crisis guys in the chat, pushing them to do things they don’t want to do. However, I repeat it, it happened, and now we need to look forward. I believe you can have a happy life and I think your friends really care about you. You have no boyfriend? Well, it doesn’t do anything, you can live well anyway, however, I beg you especially of one thing: do the test without postponing it, so you can eliminate the worm of doubt that works in your brain, and then always use a condom, it must become a mental automatism because you don’t have to put yourself at risk.
 
You say that oral sex with condom makes no sense, I understand that it may seem very strange but taking serious risks for not using condoms would be a real folly and then, if you’re with a guy and you think of having a moment of intimacy, well, mutual masturbation is not dangerous if there is no contact between the sperm or the pre-spermatic liquid of one guy and the other guy’s mucosa, I mean that also this is really sex and can be very rewarding, if lived in an emotional atmosphere, so it is not really worth taking risks with oral sex without protection. In short, it is not by making fatalistic speeches that you can avoid substantial risks but by using the brain first. Don’t throw yourself off with guilt, and look ahead, you are a person of value who did something that he didn’t have to do, but don’t feel like a black sheep, in the closed closet of many people there are memories of much heavier episodes than those to whom you refer, then: turn the page and look forward with optimism!
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-sex-and-sense-of-domination-and-intrusion
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SEXUAL ABUSE AND GAY SEXUALITY

Hello Project, I read your manual Being Gay, especially the chapter on sexual violence and sexual harassment. You insist a lot on the problems that the guys who have been subjected to violence or harassment can have in recognizing their sexual orientation, this is clearly very important, I don’t deny it, but you don’t deal at all with another point namely the long term effects at of violence or harassment on the sexuality of the boy who grows up and then becomes an adult. I would like to tell you about my experience, which I think could be useful to those who have lived or are living similar experiences. 
 
Currently I am 31 years old (almost), when I was a child, I was eight years old, I repeatedly suffered harassment by an uncle, a married man, with children, an quite old man, dead for several years now. Even though I’ve thought many times about those things, I can’t even tell how it started. At that time, me and my family (only my father and my mother) went on holiday in the mountains in a small village in central Italy where my mother was born and where my maternal grandparents and my uncle still lived with his family (wife and two children, my cousins, a lot older than me, at that time 16 and 18).
 
My uncle seemed to me very good-natured, quite big/fat, he had always treated me well, I played a lot with him, I climbed on his shoulders and he carried me on a horseback on his neck, I tormented him a bit, I pinched him and he laughed and let me do, he didn’t keep me at a distance. I don’t really remember how it happened, I thought about it so many times and I tried to reconstruct the scene, let’s say that the reconstruction, with all the limits it can have, is that we were alone and I touched him “there” and he let me do as he always did and then I continued and then I got the curiosity and I didn’t stop and I provoked him, he started to laugh and I teased him, then. . .
 
I don’t go into details, but we did oral sex, of course I to him, on the other hand he was not interested in me in that other sense, he just wanted me to do it to him. In the end he didn’t intimidate me to prevent me from telling other people what had happened, he knew I would never do it. The following day he avoided meeting m and I was very sad, nevertheless the following days what had happened the first time happened again and since then it happened every time we were alone together. I never said anything to anyone. At the time, perhaps I was already attracted to prohibited games or maybe I didn’t even understand what it was. I had not taken it as too important, it was a kind of game. I didn’t have a real trauma from this thing, which lasted more or less for a month.
 
I started to masturbate very early, at the beginning of the sixth grade, about 11 years old, and I had clearly gay fantasies, in my fantasies there were also, but not only, scenes similar to those that I had lived with my uncle, I made fantasies about guys well in flesh and on the kind of sexual practices I had experimented with him. Slowly I began to realize what it was what we had done, I asked myself a thousand questions, for example if I had to consider my uncle a delinquent who had taken advantage of me, or maybe I had so provoked him up to induce him to something like that, my brain often worked on these contents that always resurfaced in masturbation.
 
I’ve had several guys with whom I’ve had sex, I’ve been with men much older than me, I don’t know if this happened because I wanted to relive the situation that had lived with my uncle, but as an adult it’s completely different, even if it is with a man much older than me, there is a substantial parity, I like that they leave me free to do what I want even sexually, but we also speak, in short, it’s really another thing, we are two adults anyway.
 
I noticed that I don’t fall in love with men much older than me, I can have sex with them (a bit repeating the famous scene) but I lose my mind especially for guys more or less my age and when I lose my head I feel very bad because then maintaining a true relationship with peers is very difficult, with much older men, on the contrary it is much easier, generally (with some exceptions) they are not jealous and, contrary to what is thought, they don’t go mad for sex, they seek above all companionship and affection, but these things unfortunately cannot involve me too much.
 
I’ve never lost my mind for kids, and I’ve turned 30, I was afraid of losing my mind for some very young kids, but it never happened. The youngest boy for whom I lost the head was 18 and I was 19, but sometimes I think of watching a video that plays something similar to the famous scene with my uncle. But anyway I would not see myself in the part of the adult but in that of the boy.
 
I talked about these things with one of the adult men I have been with, but he told me that a pedophile looking for much older men is unthinkable and that all my talk on this point was nothing but the search for reassurance, that is the search for a moral approval or for some sharing or accepting and told me that fantasies are one thing and behaviors are a very different thing and that according to him, after what I had suffered as a child, the fact that I could make those fantasies was something almost inevitable.
 
It seems absurd that I am still looking for reassurance at the age of 30, but I think that’s exactly what I’m doing. I talked about these things even with young friends, about my age, but the reaction was much duller, they turned up their noses, because what they had heard didn’t fit their principles, one told me that I had to report my uncle to the police, another, after this speech, disappeared at all.
 
I notice that I tend to test the men I know by asking them what they would do if they were in a situation like that of the famous scene, on the part of the adult man, at what point they would stop, how they judge the whole thing. I always find a lot of embarrassment in these things on the part of the people I try to involve, but I need to understand how they judge those situations, namely how they judge me.
 
When my uncle died I had just turned 17, I felt a sense of terrible discomfort, not of liberation or similar things, I was just uncomfortable and for a very special reason, when my fantasy returned to what we had done I felt dirty, not for the thing in itself but for having done it with someone who was dead, a bit like putting sex and death together.
 
With regard to my uncle I always felt very ambiguous feelings, on one side, I cannot deny it, he abused me, and it was an unpardonable thing that had many consequences, but for the other, after many years, it also made me feel bad and sorry for him, because I think this thing oppressed him as a guilt till to the end.
 
I also feel a little guilty because, without giving any explanation to anyone, I avoided seeing him even when he was ill and I think if I saw him again and told him that I didn’t hate him for what he had done, he would have died more serene.
 
There is also another fact that gives me to think, sex is too important for me, at least I think it is, and it bothers me when I call one of the guys or of the older men I know to have a little sex and they are reluctant and always wait for me to make the first step, a bit like sex is less important to them.
 
Sometimes with much older men I notice a reluctance with respect to immediate sexual approaches, generally they don’t say no to me but I don’t find a real enthusiasm and then they have some attitudes as a teacher, as a father, that give me a little annoyance, I don’t speak of sermons or similar things, they don’t do such things, but attempt to always give me reason when I’m wrong, they attempt to find in me a lot of good sentiments and inclinations that there aren’t at all, as if they wanted to encourage or to console me. I do not know if all this rant has a logical thread, I send you this mail because I read what you wrote about intergenerational relationships. Those are certainly well-balanced things, but reality is often much more convoluted than theory and finding there a logic is not really possible.
 
Of my life, all in all, I feel quite happy, I don’t have a boyfriend and I miss him a lot, I only had one for a couple of years, then he became unbearable (jealous) and I didn’t bear him anymore, but I have some real friends (three) and with them there is also a bit of sex (one at a time), now I think that all three know this and it seems that it does not create problems, at least with two of them, with the third I don’t know, pity that he is the one I care more. I have long since stopped believing in the white mill gay family, there is only one value that I believe is very important in gay relationships and it is clear talking, honesty, not pretending. Until now I felt quite comfortable. Returning to the point, well the famous scene certainly produced consequences in my life but I think it went to me much better than it went to many others. Let me know.
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-sexual-abuse-and-gay-sexuality

GAY LOVE FOREVER

Falling in love with a guy? What does it really mean to fall in love with a guy? If I look back in my life I would not even know if I ever really fell in love with a guy. Several times, at the time, I believed yes, there was a very strong sexual interest, I felt strongly attracted to this boy or that one, I wanted to build a life together with him, then over time things diminished, the sexual attraction diminished and the emotional relationship disappeared because that guy took other paths. The basic question remains: “was it love?” A temporary love, born without a deadline but which over time inevitably meets a deadline, but is really love a temporary love? 
 
At most it was love, but it is not anymore. Yet I think I have lived a true love story, only one, but at least for me, it is something I don’t consider it’s over, I say for me because he told me in a thousand ways that I was one of many, He told me that he loves me but that he is not in love with me, which in his language means that I worth nothing for him, but between what he says and what he feels inside himself the difference can be enormous.
 
Sometimes I thought he might fear my return to assault, but such a thing will never be because he wouldn’t consider such a thing good, or at least he says so, and I think there is also another way of loving each other for which there is no need to see each other or to talk, I think that trust in the fact that the other respects you and trusts you may be enough, even if he is not there, even if he goes his own way.
 
I noticed that the moments in which there was a deeper relationship between us were those in which he was in crisis for some other reason, but I don’t want him to feel bad, even if feeling bad gets him back to me. We feel very seldom, but when it happens, for me it’s a special thing, it’s the only guy for whom I felt the anxiety of not knowing how to behave. With me he has always been straightforward, sometimes to the limit of the brutal, at other times he treated me with his rough sweetness but he never made fun of me. He is the only guy for whom, even now, I would be willing to do anything, he is not my boyfriend and he will never be, but when I see him sad I would hug him tightly, to get a smile from him, I would behave like a fool in front of him to let him smile, at the cost of being taken for an idiot by others because he would understand.
 
I told myself that perhaps I’m in love with this guy but that he is not in love with me and that then we lack the essential, which is reciprocity. But between us some reciprocity really exists, I fancy it is so, I hope so, I know that at least he treats me with respect.
 
They told me many times: “Don’t waste time! Find another guy! “I have not even tried, every time I know a guy a little more closely I begin to make comparisons with him, which for me is another thing. They tell me to look ahead, not to waste time on him, because I’m young and I cannot remain tied to a story that has never existed, yet I’m convinced that a story existed, and still exists, in another way, of course, but it’s not over.
 
I lived with him nights of love that I will never forget, it was a beautiful thing and above all true, willed, a way to feel totally free. I’ve never experienced anything like this with any other guy. In practice it is with him that I understood how true sexuality can make you feel good. With him I could overcome all my complexes and live sex in total spontaneity. I keep deep in my heart the memories of those nights of love that give me the certainty of having known true love or better what love really is. I loved and I was loved, of this I have no doubts. I don’t want another guy, I would never be able to fall in love with another guy because, for me, he is there, he never really went away. Now, if I think of a guy, I think only of him, I see him in front of me, the eyes, the smile, the embrace, the sexual warmth, the absolute spontaneity and the hours spent on the phone talking about melancholy without having the courage to say hello on my part and with a greeting, on his part, that should include a small sign of affection, but said in a minor tone.
 
Where are you now? Will I hear you again? How I wish you were happy! I say it with all my soul, because I love you, maybe I’m no longer in love, I no longer feel the sexual transport of a time but I keep thinking about you every day and hope you can be happy. When I see a guy dressed like you or a body similar to yours I feel a jolt, because I would like you near me. I know that loving a guy does not give me any right, because the happiness that the guy has to pursue is only his, not mine, but I know that as something of him has remained inside me and so something that belongs to me will accompany him forever, because, no matter how fragile and even ephemeral it may have been, it was anyway love.
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-love-forever

GAY SEXUAL BEHAVIORS

I apologize to Daniel who has probably felt neglect, what is absolutely far from my intentions.

Hello Daniel, because of the breakup of my computer (and the fact that I don’t open too much frequently my email account on the msn site), I read only today your message of April 7th. I sent you an email to apologize. I published below your email with the whole post you sent to me so kindly. I thank you very much for your trust.
____

Hello Project, finally I decided! After thinking about a lot I was leaving everything go for the umpteenth time but instead I’m here and now I’ll try to write even if it makes a very strange impression to me, if nothing else because I don’t know you in person even if things you are doing seem to me serious, and I would also say very serious. That’s why I’m writing to you. I didn’t write a post for you to post in the forum or on your gay sites, I send you a few pages of my diary instead. I have always wondered if there are other guys who have lived the same experiences I have lived, it is obvious that they are there, but I wonder if they reacted the same way I have reacted. Maybe I’m not able to give things the right value. I would pray you to publish these pages (if they don’t seem a bit ‘too rough) on the site msn, even on others and on the forum if you like, but on the site msn I would particularly like. I greet you and hug you! Daniel (my contact is: [omissis])

DIARY

Wednesday

A nightmare day! They sent me around the city all day: do this, do that! Go up, go down! In short, I am the servant of all. I’m a worthless guy, all right, but a bit of education is needed in any case, but why have you to clean your feet on me? It’s people that just sucks, I have to keep good relationships with them because if not, where do I go? The boss shows at least a bit of respect, but the others are really squalid people.
This morning a strange thing happened at the post office, they changed the employee of the packages and put there a young guy, he looked like a kid and today he has been very kind with me. Anyway it’s a little consolation on a shitty day.

Thursday

I worked little today. I’m tired of doing anything. There is a new guy who works with me, but he is not even passable, he would not be ugly but is clumsy, you tell him one thing and he understands another, sometimes I cannot even understand exactly what he says, he talks strange, I don’t know, anyway he wouldn’t be really bad, but he doesn’t really attract me, let’s say he’s not unpleasant, he tries to talk with me but he wears something similar to a wedding ring, so I think he has a girl.

Friday

What a stress! Today the boss came, or better the owner, but I have not even seen him. The manager was in total agitation, he’s probably more than 40 years old but behaves like a kid with the owner, from what I saw, if the boss asked him to go to bed with him, he would say: “ok, boss!”
Then I saw for a moment the guy at the post office counter, who’s really a nice guy, not anything exceptional but very nice, he perhaps attracts me at least a little bit, but we have only exchanged a smile.
At home I quarreled badly with mum, she’s too much interested in my business and I cannot stand it! My father doesn’t do such things, it would not pass by his head, but she is nosy and then what is she looking for? And it makes me angry when she says it’s not true. I put things in a certain order and I always find them in another way.
Anyway for her part any rummaging is useless, my important things are all in the computer under passwords and there nobody can spy, nobody! Today I had to go and get a pizza with Laurence and Luke, but obviously they didn’t remember it, because they have other things to do, they can’t give up the girl to be with me! All right, they say we’re friends! But friends of what?

Saturday

What a horror Saturday and Sunday. I can only wait for Monday. Friends have a lot of things to do, I don’t! I’m here at home, and what am I doing? Luckily there is internet, but internet is also boring at the end, yes, at least a bit of sex, but it’s all false, I don’t say that it disgusts me, indeed! But at the end beyond a good wank you don’t go anyway, at least as I see it, because I don’t want to be involved in problems of any kind, not even on a psychological level, I hate all that chitchatting, I think, because I don’t know how does it work. A beautiful site is [omissis] indeed it is really nice, but even this website I don’t say that it’s boring, a little I look at it (and more than a bit) but in the end what do I need when I go there? I download a little bit, yes, just on a physiological level, damn but it’s not enough for me, it’s not enough for me anymore! I want a real guy, I want to devote myself to him with all my strength, I can really make a guy happy, but I don’t have a real guy!

Sunday

Lunch at my uncle’s home. At least I ate well. My uncle, in my opinion, thinks that I can get together with Martina [his daughter]. But I think that such a thing didn’t even cross Martina’s head! Luckily! Otherwise I would have to keep at distance! I had been proposed to enroll in a gym, you know how many beautiful guys to see! But I will never go there! Tomorrow I have to go to work. Ugh! I’m very tired of my job! Now I’m going a bit on the usual site, so my eyes can enjoy.

Monday

Today a very strange thing happened, that is not so strange, but is something that came to my mind and doesn’t go away, the guy from the post office smiled at me in a way that could only have a particular meaning. Now I know his name: “Mauro M.” because it’s written on the identification tag he wears around his neck. He started looking for a package sent from my company that was lost and it took more than half an hour to find it but at the end he managed to find it, I followed the whole operation and I was able to observe him closely. It’s really cute, not beautiful but sweet, in short, I would not have gone away anymore. When he found what happened to the package he looked at me straight in the eyes and smiled at me, as if to say: I did it for you! I’ve been thinking about it all day, I guess I’m falling in love.

Tuesday

I told Mauro for a few minutes, he gave me the cell phone number and I gave him mine, we’re going to get a pizza tonight. Who knows what can come out of it? I have to take a nice shower and I have to shave well. Nothing will happen, I know, but if it happens I want to be prepared. He’s gay!!! How beautiful! How beautiful! How beautiful! What a beautiful evening, how sweet, how much I would cuddle him, damn I would have eaten him with kisses and then I really like him because he has not the fixed idea of sex, we were talking in the car, just talking, two gays in the car who keep just talking, it means that he is not one of the usual ones, he has caressed my hand and I was about to die looking at him in the eyes. I felt charged to the nth degree, I thought he would take a step further but it didn’t happen. He told me that he only had had two boys but they both got rid of him because in sex they wanted to do just what they wanted and he felt instrumentalized and tried to make them understand it but they didn’t want to know. But I say: you find a guy like Mauro, but how do you get stuck on things of sex? If you love each other at the end a balance can be found. Poor fellow! I think he felt really bad. With me nothing like that would have happened, I told him so, and he just smiled and kissed me, but slightly. Mauro! How can I not jump on you?

– omissis –

The following week.

Tuesday

With Mauro we have made so much progress, now we kiss just as it should be done, in short, an involving thing on a sexual level, but he also made me a speech a bit strange. He told me what he would like to do with me. Up until a certain point I found myself in his words, but then he asked me if I would have accepted to be passive and said that “that is a great test of love”. This thing gave me a bit annoyance. I told him that I never had had such fantasies and he told me that he felt completely active, then he downplayed and tried to change the subject.
Okay that he can also have different fantasies from mine, but now he puts me in crisis, I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t even want to do things that I don’t like. And then I don’t understand one thing: Marcello, who was gay at the highest level, didn’t have these fantasies, that didn’t even pass through the antechamber of his brain. He had his particularities on many other things, but in things of sex I found myself quite well with him. Mah! This creates problems for me. But why should I do things that I don’t like in order to make Mauro happy? And then there is also the problem of the risk, because in those things there is a risk of AIDS, all right, with condoms it is much less, but it is not even that, mah! But maybe he said so just to say and perhaps he will not even insist, because in fact it could all be fake problems and maybe for him it’s not even an important thing, but from what he said it didn’t seem so.

Wednesday

Damn, tonight he was so cuddly, sweet, but also a bit too insistent. One thing leaves me a bit perplexed: we just kiss, I tried to go further but he stopped me and told me that with me he wants a “complete” thing, i.e. in practice he wants to penetrate me, otherwise nothing! In a sense, for a while, it seemed to me like an emotional blackmail, as if to say to me: either do as I say or you go away. In the end he ripped off me a half-positive reply. Saturday night we go to his house by the sea. I wonder if I’m doing well. It is true that he calls me ten times a day and tells me very tender things, he tells me that he only thinks of me from morning to night and that he masturbates thinking of me but he has not asked me if I do the same. But he insists too much on that other thing. Mah ! And then what can I do? I cannot talk with anyone about anything like this.

Sunday morning

Today I didn’t like Mauro too much. When I made love with Marcello, it was all in par, there were no roles of any kind, with Mauro (who is also a nice guy and naked is much better than dressed) I feel like if between us there was nothing really shared. He thinks only of his wishes and I have just to undergo his wishes. I endured everything, but the idea that having sex that way was really disgusting for me, didn’t even touch him, he didn’t understand, or maybe he did not give a damn to it.
I suffered everything and I thought that, after, perhaps we would have exchanged the roles because the thing for me was completely unnatural and repellent, or that there would have had some sex like the one I had with Marcello, that was true sex really shared and lived in two, at par, a thing in which you think about how to make him feel good and don’t even think about yourself, and instead nothing, when he ended doing what he wanted, he didn’t really think about it.
I say, I’m there too! But how can you not notice it? He used me; that I’m a guy like him, he didn’t even notice it, I was just his inflatable doll. Mah! Thinking about these things I also have scruples because maybe from his point of view everything is different and I’m doing the problem too big for things that in the end are not even a tragedy in the sense that one, at the limit … but then why? I don’t know what to think. Tomorrow I will try to talk to him.
I send him a text message a bit affectionate, but yes, like those he always sends me. He doesn’t answer, I send him three text messages and he doesn’t answer me, he never did that, I don’t know what to think. Mauro calls me and tells me that I treated him badly, that I don’t love him because I tried in every way to make him uncomfortable for the fact that he had asked me to be passive and I ended up consoling him and telling him that I love him madly. Not to madness, but that I love him it’s true.

After a week.

Monday

He definitely dumped me. We ended up in bed five times in six days, I ended up doing what he wanted, but he also wanted me to pretend to have fun, no! This seemed too much to me and I tried to talk seriously with him about it. I told him that at least I would have wanted a little attention on his part because after all I’m a guy too, he told me that he doesn’t act as a passive because he doesn’t like it, I told him that I was not referring to such things, he replied that if I wanted to be masturbated I could do it alone, he got angry and started to raise his voice, then he calmed down and apologized but I left. Now, somehow, I’m missing him but I finally feel free again. Anyway I miss him very much.

Tuesday

Yesterday I saw Marcello and told him the story. He knows Mauro. Mauro also tried with him with the same technique, but he sent him to hell. Great Marcello! (But why am I always the most stupid of the situation?) He told me that Mauro always does this and that he has already done it with a lot of guys. At least now I have clear ideas. But how did I listen to such a fellow? And now whom do I think of when I masturbate? Well, there is always internet, luckily at least in front of the screen I can be myself!

__________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-sexual-behaviors

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GAY

Hello Project, I am writing to push you to go on with “gay project” because I’m convinced, and I know it because I have experienced it in first person, that it is a fundamental tool of sex education, in practice the only tool in network that allows gay boys to have serious answers on many things that they couldn’t face anywhere else. 
 
I’ll tell you my story (I wrote you a long time ago and we talked through msn), if you want, publish this email, I think it would make sense because I believe that many guys have gone through similar things to what I’ve been through.
 
I am 25 years old, I’m not really young but I can tell you that I’m only now learning to appreciate the fact that I’m gay and to live homosexuality in another way. I’m from the computer generation and I’m an only child, among other things a child of elderly parents, my father is almost 70 years old and my mother is a bit under 60. Of my parents I can only say well. In my house I’ve always felt at ease.
 
My parents worried about me but they always left me substantial freedom. At 19 I was traveling around Europe in a tent with my friends, they never anguished me with the classic questions like “do you have a girlfriend?” or similar, with them the topic of sex was always taboo, it’s like if they had in mind that they had to stay apart from those things and up to a certain point I agree with them.
 
I had already my pc when I was 14 and I fiddled around a lot. My parents a little because of their mentality, according to which they would never go rummaging through my things, and a little because they don’t understand anything about computers, they would certainly never enter my computer and I used it at the beginning only for school and I didn’t even put a password, then, driven mainly by the stories of my classmates, I started to search, on google, words like sex, pussy, and the like. What comes after you can imagine it.
 
I saved the sites and then I thought it’s risky and I studied how to put the password, I spent two hours to understand how to do but then I succeeded. I had just turned 14. I waited for dad and mom to go to bed and then: sex without brakes! Endless masturbations on straight photos and videos, that is with a boy and a girl, up to high night, but all apparently strictly in a straight key.
 
I say this because now I know it very well, a straight porn can be very interesting also for a gay boy, because there is not only the girl, but at that time I didn’t come to this kind of reasoning, for me if there was a girl on the video, the video was straight and therefore I was fine and I felt allowed to use it.
 
For a few days it went on like this, I felt like a “man” because I was thinking about sex, in the morning, at school, I was so dazed that I fell asleep in class. I arrived to masturbate three or four times a day. In practice, pornography monopolized me completely, I had reached the point that my penis hurt and I thought I had created problems only by insisting too much, but fortunately it was not so.
 
I was a bit succubus of these things and a little I began to think that it was too much and it could compromise my health and then I began to reduce the number of masturbations but at the same time I wanted them to be a powerful thing and then I chose with care the photos or the porn to use, even if at that time the porn was very short.
 
A lot of times I ended up in sites that became impossible to close and I had to close everything turning off the computer, there was no ADSL, and there was the risk of the dialer, that loaded the bill with high figures, but fortunately I have never stumbled on such things, then since I knew that with the ADSL there was no risk of the dialer, I did change my subscription and I put the ADSL, at least from that point of view I was safe.
 
I had just turned 15 and I had noticed one thing, that is, that even if I masturbated using hetero porn sites, in fact, I wasn’t interested at all in girls, and without internet, when I tried to go only with my fantasy on the girls, I didn’t even get a hard-on. I remember that at the time I was very worried, I went to read articles on impotence and I seemed to have all the ills of the world.
 
Then something happened that really upset me. At school, my class was almost entirely male and we were a lot, we did gymnastics without girls at the first two hours, the girls did it with the other girls in the afternoon.
 
At the end of the second year, at the beginning of May, the teacher tells us that the following Monday he would have taken us to the municipal stadium of athletics and tells us “Bring everything with you, even soap, shampoo and towel because at the stadium there are the showers”. At school, on the other hand, there was nothing but a football pitch and a gym, but still with all the wooden tools attached to the walls, like many years ago.
 
The following Monday arrives, well let’s say that it really changed my life. There were not only my classmates but also the older boys of the fourth and fifth (18-19 y. o.).
 
The showers were huge and in the locker room there was a go and come of naked guys, and immediately I had an erection that I couldn’t hold back. Obviously I didn’t take a shower, I was not really in a possible condition, I was the first one to enter the locker room and the last one to get out of it, then at the end of the morning, when I saw someone who went back to the showers, I rushed there and came out after the last of my classmates. Luckily I had the shoulder bag, and instead of putting it on my shoulders I put it on my neck so that it would fall on the front to cover the erection. In practice I had no more doubts, I was not yet 16 years old.
 
Since that day I no longer used straight porn sites, now I felt completely gay. I have to say that I had no problem accepting it, because it was absolutely natural for me and, even without porn, I masturbated easily using fancy, I was fine because the memory of the morning at the stadium was and still is one of my fixed sexual fantasies.
 
Here begins the second part of the story and perhaps the most unpleasant. I had just started to surf gay sites, and many things seemed to fit perfectly with my way of fantasizing about the guys: caressing, hugging, kissing, and wanting to see and touch the other boy’s intimate parts and also let him do exactly the same, all this didn’t create any problems, and spontaneously I had already thought many times even about mutual masturbation, after the famous morning at the stadium.
 
As for the oral sex, ok, it was never a spontaneous thing, but in a sense I told myself that in fact I would have done it on both sides, but many porn videos, practically all, went on with the penetration and frankly it was something that not only had never crossed my mind but sincerely seemed repellent to me, not for a matter of moralism but I just could not conceive of it.
 
The idea of oral sex was a different thing, not spontaneous, but in the end it was possible also for me, but I considered the penetration something extraneous, both on one side or the other. From here I began to wonder if I was really gay,
 
so many jokes about gays alluded to that thing, in porn it was a frequent thing, not really always present but very present (99%). I began to make a selection of videos by eliminating all those that ended up with the penetration and saving everyone else, and then I saw only those that I had saved because I felt them more suitable for me. Then I began to reflect almost obsessively about the fact that I was immature, because I read that when gay guys say “complete intercourse” they allude to anal penetration and I told myself that if there is to be forced, I don’t like it, it is a sign that I’m not really gay, but so what am I?
 
I am one who prefers to stop at an incomplete thing and therefore am I afraid of true gay sex? I tried to masturbate forcing myself to fantasies on the anal penetration but I felt it just like something completely extraneous. This fact for me was very conditioning, in practice even if I had friends who I thought were gay I had never even tried to break the ice and to every attempt on their part I replied in a very cold way because I didn’t feel fully gay and I thought that it would not work anyway, that maybe I would have to adapt, what I did not like at all. Then I ended up on your blog, and there was a link to the novel “Andy”. I was intrigued and I started to read and the more I went on the more I liked it, the text was censored but nevertheless was still understandable. I said to myself: “You have just to wait and these guys too will end up there! (I meant to anal penetration)”. I arrive at the end of chapter 3 and read this passage:
 
– Mark, but you stay with me just to look me in the eyes and to prepare breakfast for me?
– No, not just for that.
– And what else? Say that! Don’t feel conditioned!
– Well, also because I’d like to have sex with you!
– Oh! Finally! And what does it mean for you to have sex with me?
– Well, you know!
– No, I do not know, you must tell me!
– Come on, don’t embarrass me!
– But if you feel embarrassed for this, tonight, I think, we will have very little sex! Come on! Tell me what you’d like to do! Come on, do not make a fuss! [… omissis … (Andy tries in any way to induce Mark to confess what his sexual fantasies are, what he would like to do with Andy.) Mark reticent, at first, then, always using a language that is not directly sexual, talks about his fantasies, but the list of sexual fantasies of Mark is very short.)]
– And then? –
– That’s all!
– No, tell it all without hypocrisy!
– No! That’s really all!
– No! It’s not true, tell all the story!
– No! it’s totally true!
– What did you say?
– Nothing else! finished! There is nothing more!
– Don’t be ashamed, Mark, and the rest?
– There is nothing to add!
– What does nothing mean?
– It means that I don’t like sex from behind. . . how have I to tell you?
– Are you teasing me?
– No! That’s exactly so, if it’s not fit for you I’m sorry, I could also try to adapt but it doesn’t come naturally to me, it would seem to me a forced thing, in my fantasies these things have never existed.
 
Andy became more serious.
 
– Are you sure, Puppy?
– Certainly, keep calm! I know my fantasies well, but why are you grimacing that way?
– Because it never even crossed my brain.
– Don’t make me worry, Andy, tell me the truth!
– I swear, I never thought of making love that way, it’s an idea that has never even touched me.
– Andy, don’t make fun of me on these things, they’re too important!
– No, Puppy, it’s all true! When I looked at porn movies and arrived at that point I closed the video …
– Damn! Is it possible? We are similar also from this point of view!
 
Project, I swear to you that the reading of this passage has really sent my heart to a thousand. So I told myself: “There’s a gay novel about two gay guys who have the same idea of gay sex that I have! And they are gay, they are the protagonists of a novel where there is written: “gay novel”.
 
So I wrote to you, maybe you’ll still remember it, I was “Maybegay”, we talked through msn and you told me that the story of “Andy” is a true story. I didn’t even tell you why I was so interested, maybe you’ll remember, I asked you if you think Andy and Mark are really 100% gay and you were puzzled and you told me: “But why? Can you be more gay than that?”
 
By now I had understood that gays “my way” not only exist but maybe they are not rare, but I had the idea that I would never have found a guy like me, with my way of seeing the things of sex, gays of this type could also exist but I would never have found one.
 
After some time I met a guy at university, we studied together, he didn’t have a girlfriend, he didn’t talk about girls and I saw that he really cared about me, but I didn’t have the courage to break the ice. Fortunately it was he the one who did it, I, on the contrary, with my usual doubts, avoided doing even the slightest step forward, at the end we explicitly said to each other that we were gay and that we liked each other. I told him though that to have sex with me he would have to do two things, I told him: “The first is the aids test” and he told me: “Ok! No problem, I’ve never been with anyone! And the second?” I replied: “You must first read a novel and you must tell me what you think about it, ok?” He said to me:” Of course! Which one?” And I gave him the link to “Andy”, he read it in two days and then we met again. I was very anxious and I asked him: “What do you think of the novel?” He told me: “It’s beautiful! One of the most beautiful things I have read!” I asked him:” But do you think Mark and Andy are gay?” He replied: “If they are not, I don’t know who could be gay!”
 
And I told him : “But they do not have sex from behind.” He looked at me puzzled and told me: “But for you it is so fundamental?” I replied “No, and for you?” He didn’t know what to say, then he said:  “If I must be honest I never understood what people find there. I see it as a something forced, it’s something that never came to my mind.” I told him he had lifted me from a heavy weight and that now we just lacked the test, then I asked him if he felt 100% gay or maybe he felt gay only up to a certain point. He looked at me right in eyes and said: “But who put all these stupid things in your head? Of course I feel 100% gay! Who considers anal penetration as a fundamental thing can do what he wants, it’s his business, do you think perhaps that I have to feel less gay for this? But it would be just absurd!”
 
Well, he’s been my boyfriend for quite a few months now, sex with him is wonderful, but we don’t really think too much about it. We have to finish our studies and find a job in order to live together, because our dream is that. Now, Project, of this email, do whatever you want, but know that “Andy” made me and my boyfriend happy. I’m very grateful to Gay Project. Even my boyfriend has read this mail and we send it to you together. There are many people who love you even if they don’t know you in person.
__________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-one-hundred-percent-gay

GAY POLYGAMY

Hello Project, I jump the pleasantries, if I write you it means that for me you are ok. I’m 24 years old, I cannot say if I’m single or multiple. I mean I don’t have a boyfriend, or rather I don’t have a boyfriend in the traditional sense of the term, but I have more than one. I don’t go looking for chat of meetings or similar things, my boyfriends, if I can call them so, are guys I met in real life, for me it’s not just a sexual interest, I love these guys (I would say that they are currently three, or maybe four) and I am convinced that they would do anything for me just as I would do for them. 
 
I read the email you posted on ex-boyfriends that is “Beyond the gay couple”, but for me it is different, there are no ex-boyfriends, I may not have seen one of my boys for a long time, even months, but finally when we see each other we can also have a bit of sex. Sex for me is very important but also because it gives me a little certainty that the guy doesn’t say no, doesn’t refuse me, I think the point is this. If I like a guy, he attracts me because he is a good and nice guy, then, when I fall in love with him, I want him to have sex with me, it becomes a kind of fixed idea for me, I court him with the utmost commitment, that is, I make it clear in every way that I’m in love with him, but if he refuses me, I keep him at a distance definitively.
 
I want guys who want me even from that (sex) point of view, then, when it happened, the frenzy goes away and let’s say that that guy remains as a real interest for me, sex and affection together, I know that I can trust him, in a sense I don’t even care if he’s faithful because I probably wouldn’t be faithful to him, but I have to know I can trust him. With the guys I always make a clear speech, I don’t look for close bonds, I don’t like such things, with someone a similar speech is possible, with some other really not and it all ends immediately, unless they pretend to be able to change things.
 
I don’t consider myself a stray of sex in the sense that I don’t go with the first one I meet, I have to love a guy to think about sex with him, somehow I’m polygamist, in the sense that I have more guys at the same time, but they are always and only the same, maybe over time someone will go away and I will know some new guy, but my boys are few.
 
I like serious guys but not moralists, I don’t like those who preach all the time because they want to manage you as if you were a thing. Then, of course, it happens that I, for some periods, have a quasi-boyfriend, that is a guy who in practice attracts me very strongly on a sexual level and not only and at that time I think only of him. But it doesn’t happen that it becomes a definitive and exclusive thing. My boys know that I’m like that and I think that at the beginning they suffer a lot because they think that the fact that I dedicate myself to another guy means that I forget them but it is not so and when they understand it they are perplexed and then amazed in the positive sense.
 
That is, if just to say, I belonged to one guy only I would feel forced, I would feel it as something not spontaneous, and then who says that you cannot really love three or four guys but that it should be only one? The general rules don’t make much sense. If for someone it works so good for him, it does not work for me like that. Some friends, not “my boys”, tell me that going on like this will leave me nothing because I will never have an emotional stability, but I feel good this way. I tried several times to have only one boyfriend but eventually it became a routine, an obligation, while I want things to be spontaneous. I’m not a person who comes crazy for sex, I like it and a lot, but I don’t have to be in bed with someone every night, in fact sometimes I spend very long periods without sex and then sometimes the imagination is enough and I can do it myself. One thing to remark: I’m very careful, on a maniacal level, about prevention but now my boys know it.
 
Project, I don’t feel strange for my way of living sex, it’s the others (not my boys) who do everything to make it seem strange. My boys, for me, are not just friends and not even friends with whom you can also have sex, for me they are really important. Losing one of them would make me feel bad, but, saying “loosing”, I don’t mean “loosing” him in the sense that he has found another boy but in the sense that he does not think about me anymore, that he doesn’t look for me anymore and also that he refuses me when maybe I can think of having a bit of sex with him. I would still like to continue to believe that he is there and that there will be anyway, no matter whether he has or doesn’t have a boyfriend. I know it sounds strange, it sounds strange to me when I read it, however, in fact it is so. I think that gay polygamy, like mine, exists and that it is not such a rare thing. It took me a long time to understand that this works for me but in the end my spontaneity is just that. What do you think, Project?
__________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-polygamy

GAY THEMED OCD AND NAKEDNESS AT THE GYM

The following email is a particularly important document, it is not about a gay guy, but about a straight guy with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) characterized by the obsessive fear of being gay. Guys with gay-themed OCD submit compulsively to tests of erection in environments or situations of gay interest, and/or to tests of masturbation with gay fantasies, in order to determine their sexual orientation. Obviously for these guys the climate of the locker room of a gym is generally strongly anxiety-inducing. The hetero guy who wrote the email, very well followed at a psychological level and now about to exit OCD, has begun to attend the gym and the relative locker room and has managed to have, even in that environment, an excellent control of anxiety.

“Hello everyone! I have not written for some time, lately I’m quite absent from the forum, even if I’m in chat almost every night. Many times, in recent years, I happened to feel bad and I came to the forum to open a topic and ask for help and some advice on how to get out of the black moments. This time, however, the situation is opposite, I’m writing to you because I’m finally beginning to understand and accept myself for what I’m, a straight guy, without asking myself too many questions, without making too many problems. My self-esteem has greatly increased, both thanks to psychotherapy, where I put into practice with all my will the therapeutic strategies of my psychologist (I must thank him too, because without him I would never understood the mechanisms and automatisms of thought that had almost taken control of my mind, settling themselves within me), and thanks to my openness to experiences, where I also made many mistakes, but I learned from them.

Unfortunately, today I still suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I don’t deny that when I’m anxious, negative thoughts start to burst and this sometimes makes me very nervous. But the positive thing is that I finally recognized this automatism, and when the thoughts arrive I try to accept them for what they are, that is “thoughts”, as the word just says, which are images, words that are not real in that moment. The fact is that the thoughts provoke emotions, positive, if the thought concerns a beautiful thing and obviously, they cause negative emotions if the thought is negative. I now try to tolerate them, because I’m aware that a thought is a just a thought, and cannot represent reality. I take my life as it comes, with the positive and negative sides, and I try not to make a drama if someone tells me something rude. The negative thoughts are for me (but I think for everyone) a wake-up call, for example if I’m doing something and I start to fell anxious and I negative thoughts appear it means that I don’t really want to do it. I must thank these thoughts, I must thank the anxiety, which on one hand made me suffer like a dog, but on the other made me understand that the life I did until a few months ago, didn’t belong to me, I acted a character that I was not, and I did things I didn’t really want to do.

My life is changing, and positively, of course I have my black moments (like everyone) but I’m beginning to manage them effectively, and above all I try not to emphasize certain situations, which in reality are nonsense. I‘m becoming more elastic mentally, I accept my parents for what they are, I don’t judge them, even if they have judged me in the past, but in my heart I have forgiven them.

I am beginning to listen to myself, my real needs, my body, my sexual drives, I accept all this as normal things. When I’m among the people, I feel like them, neither superior nor inferior. In the past I tended to feel inferior, I judged myself as an incapable, a clumsy. Today when I talk to a person I look at that person straight in the eyes, sure of myself, I pronounce the words well when I speak, I feel at the same level. I don’t judge myself negatively if I don’t have any real friend yet, with whom I could go out on Saturday night.

I always say to myself that everything has its own time and that I must not be in a hurry. Already the fact that I can interact with people and especially with my peers (before I was afraid of my peers), is a big step forward for me and I’m happy for it. I’m sure that if I keep going on this way, showing myself for what I am (and I’m not just talking about my sexual orientation, but I mean everything), I’ll finally be able to find people who have the same sensitivity and with whom I can share good moments. I can finally see the positive aspects of life and I dwell on them, and when I can overcome my fears, I congratulate myself.

A month ago I joined the gym to improve my body and my mood. When I’m there I feel at home, it’s a beautiful environment, there are many quiet guys (and also very nice!) And sometimes I exchange a few words with them. The first few times, I didn’t want to take a shower there, I preferred to do it at home, because I was afraid of having an erection watching other naked guys, then a few weeks ago I decided to overcome this other fear of mine. This morning after the training I took a shower there, before entering the locker room I had a little anxiety, then I took courage and I entered. I started to undress, I took the bathrobe and the bubble bath and went in the shower. After the shower I went to put the underwear clean, to dress, dry my hair etc. etc., in short, all things that normally people do after physical exercises. But all this (apart from the initial anxiety) was accompanied by a sense of absolute freedom, I saw other naked guys and I felt a bit of sexual excitement, but only psychological, in the sense that physically I didn’t have erections.

But if I had had an erection, of course, I would have felt embarrassed, but just because I’m accepting sexuality for what it is, I would not have made many problems. While I was taking a shower and soaping my body and hair, I felt free from all fear, I felt the warm water on my body sliding slowly, the perfume of the bubble bath, the steam that surrounded me. I really relaxed and felt so natural, I was naked along with other naked guys, doing normal things, free from any negative thinking and from any worries. I was so at ease that I was a lot of time in the locker room, I did everything calmly, because there were a few guys, sometimes with the corner of the eye I looked at some penises but I’m very prudent and no one noticed it!

Then, when I was almost completely dressed, a gentleman of about 40 (maybe even less) entered, a sculpted and attractive physique. Even before, when I was doing the exercises in the gym, he had glanced at me and I had returned the glance, then in the locker room he started chatting: “and even today we trained…” and so we talked for a couple of minutes. Then, I finished dressing, I put the jacket on, we said goodbye and went away. When I got into the car, before starting the engine, I said to myself “very good, it went very well!!” and I came back home happy! Often, many of our fears are completely unfounded. The human mind is often a double-edged sword because (as said before) we listen to our thoughts and the famous “anxiety” arrives.

For example, this morning I was very worried about the shower in the gym, I even imagined scenes in which I had an erection in the locker room and someone made fun of me. Instead I experienced the exact opposite, but then again, an erection could happen in the future, but I will not make a problem because it is not. Living well with oneself and with one’s own sexuality is a wonderful thing, feeling one’s own instincts and having one’s own erotic imagery as a sort of private garden where we can only access ourselves with our imagination (this applies to everyone, gay or not) means to know yourself and feel good about yourself. I conclude with two thoughts that I wrote these days in moments of serenity:

1) “I feel good, but not because I’m all right, but because I accept the things that don’t go well without making a drama.”

2) “The charm of life is characterized by the mystery and uncertainty of every day, which are scary to each of us, but at the same time make life more beautiful and intriguing. I am convinced that if each of us knew his own future at the start, he would not even taste every little moment of life. Doubt and uncertainty are and MUST ABSOLUTELY BE PART of life, without them we couldn’t open ourselves to experiences and we couldn’t afford to make mistakes. In my opinion, a man who is not wrong, or doesn’t admit to having made a mistake at least once in his life, cannot be called a man.”

I wish all of you a good evening and happy Christmas holidays! A hug!”

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-themed-ocd-and-nakedness-at-the-gym