I call him, I try to talk with him, he doesn’t even answer me, I try to ask him if he has made it to go on, he doesn’t answer me … it means that we are back to the beginning. I feel destroyed. That’s enough! I cannot take it anymore … it’s a lost match … but what can I tell you? …
Whatever I tell you anyway nothing will change, I should check you 24 hours a day, I should physically prevent you … I can’t take it any more … I can no more be the witness the disaster and pretend that it is not true … now you’re not even gay anymore, now you’re nothing, and even for me you’re nothing, when I speak I must pretend because I know how it will end. I would have to try? … but to do what? To make you reason? But it’s impossible … now you have only one thing in mind and you don’t even understand it … then you tell me that you love me and you think you’ve solved everything so, that I put my soul in peace and that’s okay … but if you love me really, stop with that fucking …. stuff!
But no, you’re talking just talk but you don’t move away from that fucking stuff … you tell me such things just to say … but why? I do not want anymore to hear such stupid things! … I see how you are, damn it, I see it … and I cannot do anything. Yesterday evening you were right outside your mind, there was a wall of ten meters between us, you said: “I’m tired … I’m not ready …” but you were not there, in the afternoon you said at most a hundred words and always repeating the same nonsense. I cannot see similar scenes, they make me feel too bad.
A year ago you were my idol, now I’m with you only because I pity you … and then what’s the use? Tell me! What’s the use? The more time passes the more I think I will not be able to get you out … but why, my God, why? It could all be so beautiful and then everything ended up in a ruin, I felt it was going up in ruin, you always said no, but I knew it would end this way … new friends … friends … those killed you and they killed me too. But you understand, two guys like us who found themselves and who loved each other, but what could we have hoped for more … and everything worked well, damn it ….! Everything worked well … and then a year later we are reduced at this point. What have I to do? I don’t know … What should I do?
I leave everything and come to you, I cannot stay here, I cannot think that you can die and I can only wait. You were a zombie, with watery eyes, completely melted. A house in total abandonment, mold and terrible smell. You were not even on the bed but just thrown on the ground, with a long beard, with black nails. I put you back on the bed and I started cleaning the house, you did not even notice. I collected two huge bags of rubbish, I cleaned the dishes, I cleaned the bathroom which was an incredible crap. It took me three hours and it’s a one-room house. The linen was all dirty, the sheets stained with blood, I put them in the washing machine … I removed the dust, I washed the floors but you were always completely gone.
I prepared a nice heavy tea and I brought it to you, you drank it a little, then you gave it a tug and you threw it half on you, I made you get up by force and I made you drink the cup of tea I had prepared for me … you could not stand up … you really stank, a guy like you used to take a shower twice a day, I took you to the bathroom, I undressed you and made you sit on the bottom of the shower box , then I undressed myself … you were reduced to being unwatchable, skin and bones … destroyed … I washed you as one do with a child, then I dressed you with the only clean things I found at home, very old jeans and a white t-shirt. You were a little less stunned, I made you sit on the stool in the bathroom, I cut your fingernails and toenails, I washed your hands with the toothbrush again, I cut your hair with scissors, I shaved you, you were a bit more watchable but you were so skinny to be scary.
We came back to the room. I asked you: “Where is it?”, you said to me: “No, please, no …”. I began to desperately search tor it, after all in a house with only one room it is not difficult to look for something … you were sure that I wouldn’t have found it … then it came to my head that one shoe was not close to the other but it was in the bathroom, I went to take that shoe back … and it was there. You became fierce, as I had never seen you before, a sweet guy like you turned into a fury, a fury almost reduced to a skeleton but a fury … but you couldn’t do it, you couldn’t stand up, and you started crying desperately, but I threw everything in the toilet, then I came back to you. You were crying out in despair. I tried to hug you, you rejected me … you never did before … in those moments you hated me, I know.
At home there was nothing to eat but I could not leave you in that state to go buy something … we had to go together, you didn’t want to show you like that, but I couldn’t leave you at home, then you decided and we went out. The sun bothered you, you had a headache. We arrived to the baker and took the bare minimum … I made two spaghetti at home, you have eaten yes and no 30 grams … but you have drank a little fruit juice, over the hours you seemed less stunned, you said still things a bit disconnected but less than before.
At about four o’clock, you had a cup of tea and you ate four biscuits, then you said you were tired and went to throw yourself on the bed, but I made you put to bed properly. I did a second washing machine, I washed your shirts, underwear, t-shirts, socks and hung everything on the balcony to dry. I prepared a bit of dinner. You slept until half past nine. I lay down next to you I looked at you, when you woke up you turned to me and you said to me: “Thanks Cub!” And I started crying like an idiot. I know it’s not over and it will be very hard, but now I feel like you’re there again. I know that I must not delude myself but we did the first step and for me it is very much, it is a step towards life!
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