Falling in love with a guy? What does it really mean to fall in love with a guy? If I look back in my life I would not even know if I ever really fell in love with a guy. Several times, at the time, I believed yes, there was a very strong sexual interest, I felt strongly attracted to this boy or that one, I wanted to build a life together with him, then over time things diminished, the sexual attraction diminished and the emotional relationship disappeared because that guy took other paths. The basic question remains: “was it love?” A temporary love, born without a deadline but which over time inevitably meets a deadline, but is really love a temporary love?
At most it was love, but it is not anymore. Yet I think I have lived a true love story, only one, but at least for me, it is something I don’t consider it’s over, I say for me because he told me in a thousand ways that I was one of many, He told me that he loves me but that he is not in love with me, which in his language means that I worth nothing for him, but between what he says and what he feels inside himself the difference can be enormous.
Sometimes I thought he might fear my return to assault, but such a thing will never be because he wouldn’t consider such a thing good, or at least he says so, and I think there is also another way of loving each other for which there is no need to see each other or to talk, I think that trust in the fact that the other respects you and trusts you may be enough, even if he is not there, even if he goes his own way.
I noticed that the moments in which there was a deeper relationship between us were those in which he was in crisis for some other reason, but I don’t want him to feel bad, even if feeling bad gets him back to me. We feel very seldom, but when it happens, for me it’s a special thing, it’s the only guy for whom I felt the anxiety of not knowing how to behave. With me he has always been straightforward, sometimes to the limit of the brutal, at other times he treated me with his rough sweetness but he never made fun of me. He is the only guy for whom, even now, I would be willing to do anything, he is not my boyfriend and he will never be, but when I see him sad I would hug him tightly, to get a smile from him, I would behave like a fool in front of him to let him smile, at the cost of being taken for an idiot by others because he would understand.
I told myself that perhaps I’m in love with this guy but that he is not in love with me and that then we lack the essential, which is reciprocity. But between us some reciprocity really exists, I fancy it is so, I hope so, I know that at least he treats me with respect.
They told me many times: “Don’t waste time! Find another guy! “I have not even tried, every time I know a guy a little more closely I begin to make comparisons with him, which for me is another thing. They tell me to look ahead, not to waste time on him, because I’m young and I cannot remain tied to a story that has never existed, yet I’m convinced that a story existed, and still exists, in another way, of course, but it’s not over.
I lived with him nights of love that I will never forget, it was a beautiful thing and above all true, willed, a way to feel totally free. I’ve never experienced anything like this with any other guy. In practice it is with him that I understood how true sexuality can make you feel good. With him I could overcome all my complexes and live sex in total spontaneity. I keep deep in my heart the memories of those nights of love that give me the certainty of having known true love or better what love really is. I loved and I was loved, of this I have no doubts. I don’t want another guy, I would never be able to fall in love with another guy because, for me, he is there, he never really went away. Now, if I think of a guy, I think only of him, I see him in front of me, the eyes, the smile, the embrace, the sexual warmth, the absolute spontaneity and the hours spent on the phone talking about melancholy without having the courage to say hello on my part and with a greeting, on his part, that should include a small sign of affection, but said in a minor tone.
Where are you now? Will I hear you again? How I wish you were happy! I say it with all my soul, because I love you, maybe I’m no longer in love, I no longer feel the sexual transport of a time but I keep thinking about you every day and hope you can be happy. When I see a guy dressed like you or a body similar to yours I feel a jolt, because I would like you near me. I know that loving a guy does not give me any right, because the happiness that the guy has to pursue is only his, not mine, but I know that as something of him has remained inside me and so something that belongs to me will accompany him forever, because, no matter how fragile and even ephemeral it may have been, it was anyway love.
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