Hello Project, I don’t even know why I write to you, in fact I don’t have big problems, however, come on, perhaps I’m writing just to chat a little.
I’m 29 years old, I don’t have a boyfriend and in practice I never had one, but I don’t mind: I think I have experienced all the typical gay problems, which before seemed to me to be only mine or almost only, but then, reading the forum, I understood that they are much more common than I thought them to be at the beginning. In practice I considered myself heterosexual up to 25 years, although for me girls were basically just friends, I didn’t understand or tried not to understand why, but I didn’t give weight to the fact that they didn’t attract me sexually, with girls I was fine anyway and I felt heterosexual, in some posts of the forum on the discovery of sexual orientation I found myself quite well represented, that is, the phases were more or less those but I didn’t have any anguish, it was something almost normal, because basically, one way or another, I knew it, so I would say I was lucky.
Now it is more than 4 years that I have clear ideas, even if in the end I had already before. I didn’t say anything to my parents. I live with them and I’m an only child and honestly I have no reason to tell it people who at best would tolerate me.
And then, the coming out I could even conceive of it but if I had a true story, then, at least it could be worth it, if such a story was real, I’d see what to do. For the moment I’m alone, in fact I’ve been single for 4 years, and I don’t even feel the need to have a guy close, who would also be a very big complication. I have many friends. Saturday night I go out with them, we go to have a pizza, we’re fine, they all are straight, I’m the only one who is not in couple and then the guys of the group (which are three), I’m not attracted towards them at all under the physical point of view, so they are “only” friends and to me such a thing is fine because It doesn’t create complications of any kind. I don’t have gay friends and I don’t want to have such friends. I met a gay guy for work reasons, but I didn’t like him at all because he had something excessive. I know that not all the gay guys are like him but I do not want to be embarrassed. At this point you will ask yourself why I’m writing to you. Well, let’s just say that I just want to know what you think about it, but I’m fine this way, I’ve reached a right balance. If you like, answer me. I don’t give you my contact because I feel a little embarrassed. I’m waiting to read what you’ll tell me. I have to put you to the test a bit. I think I’ll give you my contact the next round, but I have first to understand what you think.
I have finished reading your email right now. The idea of feeling under scrutiny should condition me a little but in the end I can only say what I think and I have to do it absolutely explicitly. You’re 29, not 19, you’re gay and you know that, but what are you running from? I cannot enter your head but if I try to remember how I was at 29 and the things that went through my head I must say that they had nothing to do with the idea of accepting solitude in a calm way and not to meddle in complicated situations. At 29, for me, the idea of having an emotional and even sexually strong relationship with a guy was absolutely fundamental. External situations constituted very serious impediments, but the underlying push was extremely clear.
The things you write seem to me to be an attempt to convince yourself that the renunciation of your emotional and sexual life in the name of tranquility and quiet living is an intelligent thing. I cannot afford to judge the underlying motivations that push you towards a reasoning like that because I don’t know them, but the reasoning abstract as it is doesn’t work at all. It is a pure reasoning or better a pure fantasizing that completely ignores what I sincerely believe you bring inside yourself and you are trying to repress using a very deceptive logic.
I would never push you to come out for no reason and without pondering attentively the pros and cons, but this is a secondary problem. What matters is to recognize your feelings and not repress them. Gay friends? But have you read the forum? Did you understand who are the guys behind forum? I too don’t like gay guys who play a role. But what do you know about gay guys? I think you have very rough ideas, as if you had kept a certain homophobia in spite of your being gay, what is paradoxical. And then, I’m sorry, but there’s a little too much insistence that you’re okay and you don’t need anything or anyone. Frankly, I think it’s exactly the opposite because repressing one’s own feelings costs so much effort! Excuse me if I tell you in too direct terms but I think you have to wake up to avoid discovering in a few years that you have spent the best of your life in waiting and postponing or, even worst, in a heroically absurd behavior. Don’t deny yourself! Try to live because it’s worth it and never forget that the true gay world is a serious matter. Don’t get out of the chorus to hide yourself into an ivory tower that risks becoming a golden trap. I apologize if I have marked the tones too much. I would very much like to have a chat with you, my contact msn is [omissis], I send it to you, without expecting you to send it to me!
ok, ok, you passed the examination, you have understood everything but nevertheless the things I told you are those that I tell everyone and have little to do with reality, that’s why I have to tell you an unofficial piece of my story.
At 25 I’m in a crazy crush for a guy 22 years old. I met him in the chat, then we met in person, don’t be scandalized, but we ended up in bed that same evening. It was an overwhelming thing, I never thought that such a thing could happen to me. I was convinced that that guy (Luke) was to be my boyfriend for life. Luke lived 100 km from my house, but in a place where there was a railway station. I made the subscription and I was always with him. At first he liked it, but over time he probably began to feel tight. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me madly but he never did, we went to bed together, but when I needed a gesture of tenderness, even trivial, for example a caress, he did not understand it and sometimes I it was freezing. We quarreled several times, I sent him to hell many times, perhaps a little to see if he would came back to look for me and he never did, so I was the one who went looking for him and I started making incredible pitiful scenes to win him back.
He never told me anything definitive, always half-way, like: “Now I want to be with you”. But hell, why “now”? Or when he did something nice to me he always added that I didn’t have to give his behave “too much meaning”. When I pressed him to give me a clear answer he answered me. “Maybe”, “I have to think about it” and I could not bear such things.
I said to myself: “Hell, this guy comes to bed with me, but to do what?” I loved him but also hated him because he made me suffer like a dog. We had sworn to tell us everything, that is to tell always the truth, but he didn’t do it, even if to be honest I didn’t do it either, because when are you living a similar relationship what have you to do? Satisfactory it is not at all and then you start looking for someone else.
Well, both of us we did so, and at the end without telling each other anything, both he and I found another guy. What kind of couple was ours? A play, with lots of sex, but he had another guy in his head, and I could not reproach him for anything because I did the same. About the coming out, if everything had gone as I wanted at the beginning, i.e. if it had been a normal story, I would have come out with my parents, that is everything in the light of the sun (more or less). l would have introduced him to my parents etc. etc. but apart from the fact that he didn’t even want to hear an idea like that because he said that he didn’t like to be the “little mouse in a trap”, then there was the whole story of keeping a foot in both camps, both on his part and mine. So there were a lot of problems far beyond the coming out!
A month before, one day I just had put him under pressure and he had confessed that he was in love with another guy, I had made a scene of jealousy but I didn’t tell him that I too had found another guy, but I’m not a slimy up to this point and then I told him everything and he replied “At least you’re honest!” And he said it with sincerity. The story is over. My alternative story, the one with that other guy ended up in a soap bubble after 10 days and I found myself just like an imbecile. I was 26 years old. Then I got another brilliant idea, that of going to a gay club, I told myself: “just to take a look”.
There I met a 52-year-old man, a distinguished and not even sex-loving man, a bit of sex, of course, but it was not a fixed idea for him. I confess I fell in love with him, I know it sounds strange but it is so. He treated me like a prince, but not only on a material level, he treated me with tenderness. A strange thing, a bit like an uncle, but we also went to bed together, but even there he respected me, it was not unpleasant and the fact of age I never felt it like a problem. He made strange speeches, he told me that he knew very well that he was so much older than me and that I would end up falling in love with a young guy, he said that such a thing would not have been a problem for him and that we would have been friends anyway, I didn’t think it would happen that way, but I liked it a lot the fact that he was telling me so because I felt free.
Anyway, in short, one good day it happened and I told him, but he didn’t react at all as he had said, indeed, quite the opposite, a bit with threatening tone, but not really aggressive: “You have to be careful !” “You don’t know where you are going!” “But who is that guy?” So, to make it short I had the distinct impression that he would not give up and I came to think that he could also hurt the guy I had fallen in love with. Nothing like that happened, but I felt trapped, He gave me terrible sermons, that I would repent of it, that I was not grateful to him and things like that, things that bothered me a lot. I was really anguished but then, I don’t know whether to say thankfully because it seems an absurd expression, the thing ended up by itself because he had a small heart attack and was very bad for a while. I was sorry, because he was not bad and seeing him in that state was not indifferent for me, I went several times to find him in hospital and our relationship has changed, indeed it has changed a lot.
When he was in the hospital he told me that if I had a guy I had to stay with him and I had to try and live my life without doing like him who had thought only of something else. The story I wrote in the first email is not mine but is the story of my mature friend. After doctors released him from the hospital he invited me to lunch at his house and he gave me 20,000 euros in cash because I was about to move to another city for work (he had never given me presents before!) And he told me he wanted us to stay friends, but the friendship could only be via skype because the city where I went to work was almost a thousand kilometers away. Every so often I hear him on msn, he’s a very nice person and I love him. The story with the other guy continued a bit via the internet but was over after a while because I continued to think with tenderness to my mature friend, infarcted and entangled in many problems, which, all in all, was “my Friend”, with a capital F and it is still even if at a distance. Project, now I don’t know if this story seems more absurd than the story I told you before, but this is my true story. When I say that now I’m fine with myself and I don’t miss anything I want to say that I’m fine with my Friend, even at a distance. I don’t know if this is a sop but I’m really fine. – omissis – A hug Project. (thanks for the contact! Unfortunately I can only be online on Friday and Saturday night, but I’ll call you for sure! Publish what you want. Just remove the last period, which is too recognizable.)
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-appearance-and-reality-of-a-gay-life