Hello Project, I recently discovered the forum and I liked it, it seems well done and I find many times in myself what you say, but there is one thing on which I feel a long way away. Not that I don’t like what you write, only that it doesn’t seem realistic at all. I try to explain myself better. You talk about gay love, or rather about Gay Love, and it feels good to me, only that they are abstract concepts that I ended up putting aside.
I’m not so young, I turned 35 and I have had my experiences, some important, other less, but they are all over and I don’t regret them, at least I don’t regret them for what they really were, maybe I could regret them how they could have been, but here too we are always in the realm of fantasy. Will I fall in love again? I really don’t think!
I leave a “serious” story because it was so, a story that lasted 5 years. Years of anxiety, expectations, illusions and disappointments and then substantial disappointments. I don’t blame my ex, who was, after all, a good guy, maybe too different from me, or maybe we were not a well-matched couple. He was not so much interested in sex, maybe I was more interested in it, but the point is not even that. I would have liked to go and live together, and we could do it, but he didn’t want it because ” it would have been like show ourselves in the streets”, he said. But at a certain point, if you’re gay, if you feel at ease, or at least relatively at ease with your boyfriend, you’ll have to take a step forward!
We always saw each other secretly, he never wanted to take me to his house. He had no plans for our future, he could go on like this forever, but I wanted something else, I wanted to build something that was a bit like a family, just the two of us, but in one place of our own, in short, one has his needs also of privacy, even of intimacy.
I would have been willing to put myself at risk, but he didn’t want to because he said he would get into trouble at work. He has an important job and is also a character in sight. Well, he did his calculations, I was on one side of the scales and on the other there was his job and all the rest, and he decided he had to sacrifice me. For him everything had to continue as before, I could be the evening side dish of his strong plate that was his job. As a side dish I could go well, as a single dish no! And so, without too many compliments, he presented me his alternative: or so or we end it here. In recent times I had understood that it would end like this and I didn’t have too much effort to say: “Ok, then I go, bye!”
The previous stories, if I have to tell the truth, have left me very little, both in good and in bad. After many years, there is nothing left. For only one guy I felt and still feel some regrets. It was I the one who cut ties with him and I think I hurt both him and me, because maybe he was really different from the others. In practice he is the only one I have seen again sometimes even later. Now he has a history of his own for years but I don’t know much about it.
But does it make sense to look for a boyfriend? Apart from the fact that gays are few, even among those few it is very difficult to find one who can be good. I have some friends, but only friends, in fact my friends are guys that I don’t like physically, so no fear of impossible love. They tell me: but for sex, how are you doing? But there are porn videos, which at least don’t give illusions to the head and compared to the adventures like “a blow and go” at least are not dangerous for health. And then at almost 36 years. . . Well, what should I do? Should I break my head for someone? To crash into a wall of selfishness and stupidity? No! I gladly do without such things. I don’t close the doors to anything, if anything should happen to me, well, I’m ready, but certainly I will not chase guys. That phase is over.
Pornography is an alternative to real life, a non-binding, lighter thing, in which you are alone with yourself, which, after one has experienced many other things, eventually proves to be nothing stupid at all.
As a boy, I got used to thinking that a gay man should just hide, and I avoided those who wanted to come out into the open, then slowly I started to think that sooner or later a gay man or a gay couple must come out, at least going to live together and then I ended up avoiding those who thought as I thought before. In practice, these problems have been very important for me.
Life is a disgusting, Project, a continuous being deceived and also deceiving others, without a moment of real dialogue. Everyone has in mind his own project to achieve and doesn’t worry about others, I too behaved like that, but now I’m tired of going on like this. I want to go back to being alone, at least without a more or less stable partner. I would not go looking for partners for a one evening adventure, I don’t care at all such things, maybe I would be interested, but I’m too afraid of AIDS to throw myself into things like that, the old, healthy pornography, taken even in small doses, is much better.
Yesterday a friend of mine asked me what I think of gay couples and I answered him with a skeptical smile, he looked at me and said: “Ah! I understood!” He wanted to be encouraged by me! He was not making his proclamation of love to me, he just wanted to be encouraged to throw himself with all his shoes in a new adventure, but he didn’t seem to be too enthusiastic about it.
And then it’s not even a gay problem, for hetero people it’s even worse. I don’t understand the meaning of wanting to be together anyway. I understand when it comes to bring children into the world and, to the limit, to raise them, but if there are no children, why this mania to get together? Each one to his own home, even a home suitable for a single person, but nothing more, so that when two guys meet, there is a bit more enthusiasm, but I don’t like the gay parody of the family of the white mill!
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-gay-guy-who-wants-to-come-back-single