Project, tonight I’m writing this email not to ask you for advice but just to tell you the story of a guy who called himself different even among those who are different … I landed on Gay Project long time ago. I contacted you asking a lot of things about intergenerational relationships, asking you many explanations on the psychological factors that push a guy to feel attraction towards a man much older than him. You helped me overcome the wall of clichés, for which a boy who is attracted towards a man with a great age difference is a guy who looks for a kind of surrogate dad, who suffers from emotional lacks, who has / had a absent father.
Definitely I have to thank you for the time you have spent chatting with me! After the initial relief of being freed from guilt that arises from having as object of my sexual fantasies and my falling in love some of my teachers close to retirement, I soon began to feel different again.
In chat, I have often dealt with issues about sexuality and namely about couple sexuality, exposing the problem of how to meet a person and how to notice the homosexuality of another person. Obviously, the participants “always” were divided into two “factions”, those who supported the use of chat that facilitate the knowledge of other gays, advised to attend places notoriously gay, or proposed to rely on an imaginary gayradar innate within us, and those who instead, like me, in a clear minority, claimed that if something will have to happen someday … it will happen with the utmost naturalness! In the elevator, at the bus stop, in the subway !! They told me that the knowledge should not be aimed at sex as it happens in the chats but that maybe could start from common interests, also in virtue of the fact that if there is really a personal gayradar, many gayradars are to be reviewed and in particular mine!
Many people told me that if everyone had my same behavior, the world would be full of singles because nobody would have the courage to take the initiative! Actually taking the initiative is not easy, especially if we take into account the distrust that people have towards each other. Maybe it’s easier among guys … Common topics are found: sports, music, movies! And if you want to “start chatting” with a significantly older man … Well … everything becomes much more difficult … But I did not give up!
I tried to create some interest that could bring me in contact with some “mature” person if I can say so. But it was not for me … I didn’t feel like it! I didn’t want a mate, but nevertheless I wanted something similar, but despite my desire, I didn’t want to do anything to find one. I didn’t want to move in traditional gay channels, much less in non-traditional “casual” ones!
The fact is that one day I met a man, a nice distinguished gentleman, nice smiling, a professor!! At the subway exit!! I never thought it would be the right opportunity … We chatted a bit. He told me about the subject he was teaching, and about what he was currently studying and invited me to follow some of his lessons. Now it’s almost a year that we’re mates! It has happened … I, with all my fears and my hesitations, now I have a partner!! Certainly the difficulties are many … Above all in a relationship with the great difference in age.
The older person has a very strong fear of influencing the choices of the youngest and of inducing him to a sort of sacrifice. But, Project, I guarantee you that after some inevitable bickering at the beginning, once the right balance has been reached, things can work and work just fine!! Now I’m happy, we talked about many things, and so many fears have passed !! I’m no longer the different one among those who feel different!
In fact when we walk downtown and I meet friends, I introduce him to my friends without any shame and without any justification! After all I’m free to go out with whomever I want … he does exactly the same if he meet some acquaintances / colleague … The thing that struck me most was the unfolding of events and that neither of us told the other “I’m gay!” or similar statements, how things have followed their path without any forcing …
Project, if you want to post this email in your forum, maybe it could even serve as an encouragement for those like me who spent hours in the section “gay and intergenerational relationships!” Maybe, reading, they could understand that gay sites and chats are not the only way to meet other people, even if that is certainly the easiest way!! And maybe those who believe that a young gay is looking for an older man just to became a maintained or that an old man is looking for a young boy to find help in old age, has a reason to change his mind!
I hug you strongly, Project, and if you decide to publish the email, please don’t mention my nick!
Thank you again!
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-different-even-among-those-who-are-different