GAY STORY IN BLACK AND WHITE

Dear Project,I’m writing to you because I’m in a whirlwind of emotions that upsets me and I cannot tell anyone my story, you will soon understand why. 

I’m a guy who lives in a large Italian city, I’m 22 years old, I study at university and have a family that I would call good, I’m not talking about money because there is enough of it and not more, I say that my family it’s good because I respect my parents. I specify that I’m an only child. They always left me the maximum freedom, at 14 I had the house keys, they never liked to get involved in my private things. They don’t know I’m gay, or at least I think they don’t. I never brought a girl home or talked about girls, and they never asked me questions about girls. I can go back late in the evening, sleep away from home on the weekends and they don’t ask questions anyway. 

When we happened to see TV broadcasts about gay people there was no prejudice. I remember a phrase from my father: “Everyone must be able to live as he wants if he doesn’t harm others.” But despite these elements that could have pushed me to come out, I never did, I don’t know why, but instinctively I didn’t trust my parents too much. Project, I think if I did it now they wouldn’t have any particular problems, but now that’s not my bigger problem. 

I attended high school in a serious school, and in this I was lucky. My teachers, especially those of the three final years, were really good, I liked going to school. My class was considered among the best. In the third year, that is, at 16 years old, since our class was too small, they added a group of students who came from a class that had been dismembered. They were three guys and two girls. Even then I didn’t care much for girls. However, the three girls after a few days changed schools and only the three guys remained in my class. One was black, Alan (here I will call him so), one was Albanian and we called him Alban, which is anyway a true Albanian name, but this was not his name, and one was Italian and here I will call him Mino. 

Already at 16 he was a handsome guy, tall and well-structured, in short I liked him. The teachers immediately noticed that the three new guys were far behind with the programs and organized study groups in the afternoon, because the school was also open in the afternoon. The three new guys had to go to school in the afternoon for two hours with three schoolmates (tutors) and a teacher who organized the work. Alan and Alban were really involved in this work organization and made remarkable progress, Mino instead considered the afternoon lessons as an imposed and substantially useless obligation, played, wasted time, drove crazy his schoolmate who acted as a tutor, and sometimes even the teacher. I was good at school and I tried to be chosen as a tutor for Mino as often as possible because I didn’t care about Alan and Alban, but the rules were tight and well defined and I could tutor Mino twice a week at most. 

Mino was a guy who, as far as I knew, had a lot of money and very little desire to study, I was infatuated with him, but he used to say only nonsense. I could not understand how such a beautiful guy did not realize that he was just wasting time, I tried to convince him to study, of course, if possible to study “together with me”, but the results were very poor. Once I went to his house to prepare a math classwork, but among snacks, records, photographs and various nonsense we did not do anything. I thought: “Mino will be rejected!” and really he behaved only as an idiot. I felt bad for him, because I realized that he was going to the disaster and was not doing anything to reverse the trend, then he started to do a lot of absences and in mid-December he went to a private school. Once he came to see us and said to Alan and Alban: “What are you doing here wasting time? Come to my school! otherwise they will reject you here!” But Alan and Alban didn’t change school, at the end of the first period of school they got some little insufficiency but teachers encouraged them because they were always present and did everything they could to improve. In the end, both of them have been promoted without any particular problems, and they were really happy. 

The fourth year Alban changed a lot physically and he became a really handsome guy and I started losing my mind for him. Of course I was careful not to let him realize it, but we had become friends and he occasionally came to study at my house. It was not like with Mino, for Alban, studying was something serious and many times I realized that he was one step ahead of me. Alban was a very good guy and I liked him a lot, I talked about everything with him, but obviously never about sex. I had never seen him with a girl and I had deduced form it that our friendship was perhaps not just a simple friendship. Since the Easter holidays I have cultivated my secret love affair with Alban, we used to meet often and I also went to his house several times, and right at his house I realized traumatically that Alban was straight. One day, while we were studying, a very nice girl came to his house, and there was no doubt that she was Alban’s girl. I felt like someone on whom the roof of the house is about to fall but anyhow I acted like a medieval knight, when I was alone with Alban I congratulated him on his girlfriend and he was really happy! It seems a little strange but I was happy too. The year ended quietly and I tried to think of other things.   

The last year of school we had to go on a school trip before Christmas to spend ten days in Austria. We all leave, no one excluded, we were 18 students and I happened to share the room with Alan. In the evening we go on talking before going to sleep. I tell Alan that Alban had a beautiful girl, I was expecting a comment on the girl and instead Alan answers me with a phrase that makes my blood freeze, he says to me: “Oh yes, Alban is straight!” I was really blown away and after a few seconds later I asked him: “What do you mean?” and Alan replied: “That he’s not like us …” again after a few seconds, I replied: “No! It’s not like us!” this was our coming out. Then Alan said to me: “You tried it first with Mino and then with Alban, but they were from the other parish” I asked him: “But how did you realize it?” and he only replied: “Well …”. In short, before the Christmas holidays I realized I had a gay friend, because Alan and I were friends, I could trust him and I couldn’t trust anyone else. 

During the Christmas holidays we didn’t meet, I was happy that Alan was gay and also that he was my friend but I wasn’t in love with him, not because he wasn’t a nice guy or because he didn’t deserve it, but, brutally, because he was black and I had never considered the possibility of having a black guy, that is, I had never made fantasies about a black guy, but I liked him from many points of view, he was very polite, very respectful of me and my way of seeing things and was extraordinarily intelligent, so much so that at school he had become more or less the first in the class. In short, I spent all the Christmas holidays thinking about Alan, listing all the reasons why in my opinion a story with him couldn’t have worked and on the other hand he too could have a thousand problems staying with someone like me, because maybe he had only fantasized about black guys. 

At the beginning of January I was really convinced that there would never be anything between me and Alan, but we were both gay and we got to speak clearly about this problem. I asked him how he would react if I told him I was falling in love with him and he replied. “We are friends and I love you as a friend … and a little more, but you have to keep your feet on the ground. Being a gay couple is difficult, but being a gay couple as we would be it’s even more difficult.” I asked him if he had thought about it and he said yes but added that we had to go very slowly, in practice we decided we had to wait and think about the final exams first. So we remained friends, we used to say “just friends”, but with him I was fine, I felt safe. 

He had repeatedly probed the ground with me to understand what I wanted to do at the university and he had told me his point of view. He was very well informed, he had gone to the orientation meetings since the previous year, he knew all the sites of the Ministry of the university with the study programs of all the faculties, it was obvious that choosing the same faculty would mean something more than attending the same faculty. That same evening we enrolled in the same faculty. The first exchange of pampering with him happened just in the evening we sent university enrollment. He was very affectionate and always repeated to me: “If you should have any doubt at any time you must feel totally free, we would remain two friends attending the same faculty and I will love you anyway! Exactly three years have passed since that day and we have been together for three years. 

He didn’t say anything to his parents because gays are not very well seen at his home and I don’t know how to behave with my parents. I saw that movie: “Guess who’s coming to dinner” and I wish that with our parents it would happen what happened in the film, but here there is the fact that we are also two gays and the complications increase. Now we are at this point. What to do? In my opinion and also in his opinion, we must not take risky steps, we must finish our studies and try to be economically autonomous, so we can go to another city, perhaps abroad, to build our lives there, maybe in two different houses on the same landing. Project something happened that I NEVER would have expected and instead it happened! I’m fine with him, but we have to be careful of what’s around.

Let me know what you think. If you want, publish the email because there is nothing recognizable.

___________________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-story-in-black-and-white

GAY GUYS BETWEEN COUPLE LIFE AND CAREER

Hi Project,

I have been following your forum for years, albeit occasionally. Somehow you covered all the topics, but one was only mentioned in a couple of posts, probably because it is very often linked to the failure of the couple’s life. I refer to the conflict of aspirations between two guys, not to the conflict of their dreams, which generally doesn’t put anything in crisis, but to the conflict of their concrete aspirations and their decisive professional choices. I know you don’t like such a speech, but, gay or non-gay, when a guy is called to a choice between emotional and professional life, he cannot always “save goat and cabbages” (a typical Italian expression that means  reaching a compromise and getting both things that seemed to be mutually exclusive), and it happens frequently enough that he has to give up one of the two things to save the other. In some cases, compromise choices cannot be made because it would end up ruining both affective and professional life. A gay guy can fall in love non only with another guy but he can as well fall in love with his job, his career which sometimes entails so many gratifications, and also with the fact of reaching an enviable economic position. These things happen, and they’re not that rare at all. Often, if you put the two options on the two plates of the balance you realize that it is perfectly in balance and so, if you are not really madly in love, you decide to leave your boyfriend and dedicate yourself completely to your career. You don’t imagine, Project, the power that the idea of becoming someone, that is of becoming important, can have on a guy. It is clear that making a radical choice is anyhow lacerating, because one would instinctively try to save both feelings and career, and when you realize that it is not possible and that you have to make a radical choice, because the third way, that of compromise, is unavailable, you feel split in two. 

I can’t tell you my story by going into too much detail because I have to save my privacy (not just mine) and therefore I will mainly tell you about my moods. When you enroll at the university you still see it from outside and from afar as a mountain to climb. If you work hard with the maximum effort you get your three-year degree without wasting too much time, then during the two years of your master’s degree you dream of a doctorate, you try to convince yourself that you may not get there and instead you graduate and get there. Of course it takes effort and commitment, but then you get there, then there is the post-doc, which seems a distant option, but in the end that too comes and the road that opens up in front of you is very attractive. You feel at least a bit important, you are no longer the low man on the totem pole and the prospects of an academic career begin to take concrete form, publications increase and also your credit in the scientific world. Up to this point it seems all logical, all beautiful, but there is the other side of the coin, there is a price to pay, if you think about your past you see that you have never had a real emotional life, because the emotional life takes time and if you dedicate time to research you cannot dedicate it to emotional life. In practice more or less you always did  monastic life. 

If one is in a similar situation he begins to ask himself a thousand questions but in practice he has no doubt about what to do in the future, simply because he has no alternative, he can only go on on the path he has followed up to that moment. But since a few months I had an alternative. I had met, always in the university environment, a guy my age (here I’ll call him Mark), who had followed a path practically superimposable to the that I had followed, even if in a very different sector. It had taken us a while to understand that we were both gay and, since we had long been hungry for affectivity, it took us even a short time to have our first sexual intercourse. He wasn’t beautiful but physically he was the kind of guy I like and I realized that he was very interested in me. And from here our problems began. 

Two “normal” guys, let’s say so, without concrete short-term expectations, would have lived together and enjoyed their beautiful love story, assuming that over time it could become a true love story, because there were the right premises in our case. But unfortunately or fortunately we were not two “normal” guys, both he and I had worked hard to build a future as we wanted it, but at that time we found ourselves having different objectives and above all irreconcilable with the continuation of our story. It is bad to think that if you want to make a career you have to put feelings aside, but in the end it is so. 

I don’t know if I really fell in love with Mark. The sexual interest was there and also the emotional one, but above all on the emotional level I didn’t really feel in love. Maybe it would have happened over time, but I had to decide without even having the time to know him well and he too was in the same situation. We talked about it, but talking about these things is embarrassing, it’s not like making a declaration of love to a guy, here you have to tell him that you fell in love “but …”, that is, in practice you have to tell him that the career can be more important than him. Fortunately he too was in the same predicament, because otherwise the speech would have been very difficult. In short, we spoke “very rationally” as if it were an abstract issue that didn’t concern us, each tended to emphasize that he didn’t want to bind the other but it was evident that he didn’t really want to bind himself. I thought that even after this speech we would end up in bed, as had happened many times before, and instead nothing happened, there was a lot of coldness, a lot of distance. In practice it was understood that both for him and for me the fact that we would each follow his own path was practically inevitable. 

I can’t say if I took it too badly, because after all it was what I wanted too, but I can say that I went into crisis, I felt mean and selfish and I consoled myself only thinking that in the end we  both were mean and selfish. I realized that in fact I had given up on having an emotional life and not only with Mark, with whom perhaps it would have been impossible anyway, because he too had made a similar choice to mine, but with anyone, because I will have a lot of commitments, and I already have them now, and I will have to go and live where more opportunities will arise and I will have no security for several years and therefore I will not be able to build any serious story with a guy, because I should find a partner willing to follow me, that is, to sacrifice his dreams and plans for me, that is for someone who may even be able to love him but will never be able to dedicate himself completely to him. 

Now I have lost Mark, but in front of me I see the emotional desert and this scares me. I tell myself and I repeat that I’m not able to truly love, that I’m too centered on myself, that I’m too selfish, that I demand what I’m not willing to give. I’m reminded of the gospel phrase: “No one can serve two masters” and I’m afraid I have sold my soul to the worst master, who could give me great satisfaction, and I say “could” because I certainly can’t  take it for granted, and in any case it would be satisfactions all and only of the same kind, and I’m not at all sure that the choice I made is truly the best for me. I mean, Project, that sometimes I feel disgusting. It is true that the university has increased my self-esteem, which before was rather weak, but I’m starting to think that it may have put many really wrong ideas in my mind. 

Sometimes I see guys who got lost along the way and who didn’t get where I got, in a sense I feel satisfied, but in another I feel that between me and those guys an abyss has been dug that cannot be filled anymore and I begin to think that their life will be much better than mine. My environment is very competitive even if we are really few. In my environment I will never find friends but only colleagues from whom I can hope for a certain degree of correctness but nothing more, and to find friends in other environments I should attend them what I will not be able to do anyway. Do you understand what I mean, Project? I know that only I can deal with these problems, I only ask you for a contact to speak a little. My parents know nothing about me and according to them I’m a happy man with excellent prospects, but I feel that it’s not like that at all and I can’t talk about it with anyone. At least with you there is anonymity and I can say what I think. I wait for your answer. My email is very generic, so if you want you can publish it, because it’s quite anonymous but, if you can, send me a contact.

See you soon.

_____________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-guys-between-couple-life-and-career

GAY GUYS AND DOUBLE BED

Hi Project, 

I’m Paul, the 43-year-old who wrote to you because he was trying to accept that the guy who seemed to be his boyfriend had left him to go back to an ex-boyfriend (A GAY STORY OF ALMOST LOVE). When I wrote to you I hadn’t heard from him for more than two months. Today something has happened that has overturned all the balances that I was struggling to achieve and in part at least I had achieved, but I’m happy. In an unexpected way he called me when it was already midnight and said to me: “I need to make love with you, what do you say? Can I come to you in twenty minutes?” I replied that he can come whenever he wants and that I’m always pleased of it, he added: “If you don’t feel like having sex, we’ll just talk.” And this in my opinion is the most beautiful thing you can say! I told him that I was waiting for him and I immediately changed the bed and opened the window, to cool the air a bit, because it’s hot to die for but fortunately there are the mosquito nets. I wondered why he had the idea of having sex with me after almost three months and I thought that the relationship he had resumed with his ex-boyfriend had come to an end. 

When he arrived he undressed and put himself on the bed and he was really beautiful! And above all he was there for me, he had come on purpose with the idea of having sex with me and this idea put him in a very strong state of excitement. I was afraid of not being up to the situation, because sometimes it happens, but I didn’t feel in the least embarrassed, because when it happens he never gets upset, he has never had problems with these things. No, he was not only beautiful, he was really animated by a sexual impetus as in the times when we met many years ago. I refrained from asking him questions. I was fine, with him the taboos have not existed for a long time, with him I behave as I would behave with myself, with the same level of freedom, now it is an acquired fact. He was telling me: “But how is it possible that you have never had sex with anyone else? You should try to be with somebody else!” To this speech, which is not the first time he does, I reply to him exactly as I have always replied that it never occurred to me to make love with another guy, because for me there is just him. 

He didn’t force me at all, no insistence, he knew that I could be afraid of diseases and we only had sex at practically zero risk, there was no need for me to tell him anything, for him exactly as for me, the fundamental thing isn’t in doing this or that but in feeling desired and accepted, and being able to live one’s sexuality together, without embarrassment and without seeing any kind of obligations behind sex. He was really transported by sex, within the limits of common sense, but truly transported. Between us, from the beginning there has always been a very deep understanding from that point of view, we never had sex out of boredom or as a pastime or worse out of duty, it was practically always a very strong thing and much desired by both of us. Maybe that’s why I would never be able to go with another guy, he is the guy of my dreams, after all, in my life, I only desired him in the true sense of the word. When he is with me I see him so free and involved that my head is empty of thoughts and I only think about making him feel good, thanks God I succeed! This seems almost unbelievable to me, but that’s exactly what happens. By now we know each other very well also from that point of view. There is nothing more beautiful than making love with the guy you love the way we do it. Then there will be his ex, maybe, or maybe there will be many other guys, but he has not put me aside at all and he thinks of me just as an important sexual fantasy.  

There was only one thing that I would have wanted different. Generally, even before, after sex he used to get some melancholy, maybe once the sexual involvement is over he begins to reflect on his boyfriend and what to do with his boyfriend, or maybe very likely he doesn’t have a boyfriend anymore. Maybe I don’t have the first place in his heart, but I can’t deny that the his involvement (that was there from the beginning) doesn’t seem in the least vanished because of other things. I wonder how a guy like him can be in love with me, that is, even sexually in love with me, who am a very common type. Now I seem to see him lying on the bed while looking at me and saying “Everything okay?” I would be with him my whole life, it would be a dream for me and today I think it wouldn’t mind him at all, obviously without any constraint, but I think it could last forever. 

Tonight I feel really upset but I’m happy and I think there will be nothing that will be able to separate us, perhaps for a while, yes, but in the end we love each other, between ups and downs, we have been together for many years and then there is between us real affection and respect, I think he is a guy of the highest level both in intelligence and honesty and he trusts me, he doesn’t fear me, in short, I also feel at the center of his attentions. All this, however, must not become a trap, he is not mine, we love each other but he must be free because only in this way he can truly love me. In the end how can people say that there is only sex between us? It’s not true! There is an absolutely unique way of understanding each other. He never felt like a beautiful  guy and instead he is beautiful, when we are together I tell him it many times, he acts as if I hadn’t told anything, but after all he is happy to hear such things! 

I’m also beginning to think of something else that I had always considered stupid before. At the end of our meetings he leaves, he cannot sleep at my house because the next morning he must be at work before 8.00 am if he would start from my house he should get up too early, when he leaves he makes me feel so melancholy because I would like him to stay with me all night long, I would really like to sleep with him. We had sex many times but we never slept together but I think that sleeping together and waking up together would be really beautiful and I think he would like very much such things which are not exactly sex but are sometimes more important than sex itself. I realize that these things, that is in practice the double bed, belong to the behavior of consolidated couples, while he is not my boyfriend, at least in a certain sense he is not, but anyhow falling asleep one in the arms of the other would be really beautiful! In my house there are no double beds and the idea is coming to my mind to buy one, maybe it could also be useful. But I met guys to whom sleeping together in a double bed seemed too sweet, something typical of people romantically in love and not suitable for real men! I can’t stand this expression! Real men? And those would be real men? Those who have sex in five minutes and then bye! Those in my opinion are stupid men! 

However, I feel embarrassed to talk to him about the double bed, but not because of sex, the fact is that he can consider the use of the double bed as a trap from which it is good to stay away. That is, if we have sex with each other as we have always done it is something that seems no more than an outburst, something somehow boyish (and I don’t even understand why!) While if we go to sleep together in a double bed it means that ours is a regular, standard relationship, of those that take away your freedom. I know it is only symbols, but symbols are also important. Maybe I would like to fall asleep with him in a double bed just because I could delude myself that he is mine, this could also be true, but meet in the spare time only during breaks between other work or family commitments, in the most unlikely situations, and always keeping an eye on the clock it is certainly not the best and some of my sexual problems could be due to these things. I need time in sex, I’m slow, if I think I have to get to the end in a set time, I go haywire. Instead with a nice double bed and a whole night together in perspective, well, I think everything would be very different. 

There is also another fact that keeps me from buying a double bed, I live alone, luckily for me, but it happens that from time to time my father, my mother and even my brother (100% straight) come to see me at my house. They always warn me one or two days before, so I don’t have the fear of being caught in the act while I’m in bed with a guy, among other things, my family members don’t have the keys to my house, but they are used to the idea that in my room there is only one single bed and in the guest bedroom there are two single beds. What would they think if they saw the two single beds disappear and found a double bed instead? I don’t know this but I would feel embarrassed, and so I thought that in order to sleep with him in a double bed I would have to go on vacation with him, but even there the embarrassment would be considerable. It is not easy to book a double room in a hotel with a friend and ask for a double bed instead of two single beds. It seems absurd, but these things still condition a lot. I’ll try to talk briefly with him about the hypothesis of the double bed, let’s see what he tells me! 

In short, Project, since the last email I sent you, the world has really turned upside down for me. I had read your answer, very wise and very rational, but my antennae told me that my story, despite appearances, was by no means over and now I can say that I was right! 

Take care of yourself! Obviously do whatever you want with the email.

Paul

_________________

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STORY OF A GAY GUY AGED 20 TO 32

Hi Project,I’ve been reading you since I was 20, now I’m 32 and I have had my experiences of what it means to be gay. I went through all the phases, from the desire to find a guy, to the first experiences and then to quite significant stories, that is, to three stories that occupied my years from 20 to 30, then I detached from all this and, now, I have been alone just for a couple of years and I don’t know what to do. 

My first important story, that is, I should say my first story that seemed important, was with a good guy who never fell in love with me, not because he was in love with another guy, but because he was bisexual, he was “somehow” in love with me with me but he thought to women and every now and then he allowed himself some adventure, always with women. For heaven’s sake! I understand it very well, for him it was a physiological thing, it was in his nature, and probably it is I who am wrong thinking that I’m with you making love but maybe you’re thinking of a girl, because perhaps “in those moments” there are no girls in your brain, but let me tell it (what I never did in front of you), but I don’t really like such complicated situations. I know it’s the way it works for bisexuals but it’s not good for me. I know that if he was gay he could have done the same with a guy instead of a girl but it’s different, if he had been really gay he would have felt deeply involved at least sometimes, but with him the involvement was always very relative, or maybe I was upset because of other motivations and my brain was a pressure cooker about to explode, then he told me that I was not the guy he was looking for and that he wanted to try to get together with a girl,  I had nothing else to tell him than: “Happy wedding and male children!” So I said to myself, “It’s my fault! It goes without saying that if I get together with a bisexual then it ends up like this! ” 

A couple of months later I know a guy who looked “serious”, so to say, one who studies, who thinks about his position, about the future, not one who wastes his time, not one who doesn’t study and when is looking for work does everything to not find it. He’s serious, he’s interested in sex but sex is not his fixed idea, in short, the story starts. At the beginning everything is quite well, we see each other very little because he always has to study, but when we meet we are well together. He graduated, I had left the university halfway and at that time I was already working, then he tells me that he must do his doctorate in Germany, which is very important for him, etc. etc., in short, he leaves for Germany and we start to meet in the evening on social media, I go to meet him in person a couple of times a year, I wait for his doctorate to finish, he finishes it but doesn’t come back to Italy, he goes to work for a research Institute in Paris, I understand that he will stay in Paris for at least four years, so I tell him that I don’t feel like going on like this, that I can’t move to Paris because my job is in Italy. He doesn’t even try to insist, he simply tells me that given the logistical complications, as he calls them, perhaps it is better for each of us to follow his own path. Basically he dismissed me like that, then I learned that he had gone to Paris because he had met a French gay guy in Germany, who worked in his own research Institute and they lived already together in Germany, but he had “forgotten” to tell me this little detail. And then I said to myself: “It’s my fault! Those who are thinking of too big problems can’t think also of me! I have to stay away from such people!” 

At 26 I met my last boyfriend, with him things were much more complicated. We met casually for business reasons, at the beginning I wasn’t absolutely interested in him, he was not my type, he seemed too talkative, too complimenting, let’s say, a little fake or at least one who seems acting. There were immediately misunderstandings, every time I started to say something, he used to analyze what I had said finding the strangest meanings in it. Sometimes he just got on my nerves, I couldn’t stand him, I thought I would never get together with someone like him and instead it happened because he slowly brought me there and I, like an idiot, went after him. I should have stopped him immediately but I didn’t and he felt encouraged and step after step he gained ground and it was increasingly difficult for me to get rid of him. Once he calls me, he tells me that he feels terrible because his boyfriend left him and I go to his house to console him. It was my worst mistake! We ended up in bed the same evening, but as a “consolation”, which is certainly not the best. When I came back to my house, late at night, I felt a total imbecile and I understood that if I had not taken the courage with both my hands, I wouldn’t have gone out from that story anymore. But I didn’t take the courage with both my hands. Every time I went to him I said to myself. “This time and that’s enough!” just like those who know they will never get out of an addiction. He knew how to do, he knew my weak sides, he encouraged me, he consoled me when things were not going well. In short, our story, or it would be better to say our half story, has been going on for years. Sometimes he asked me to go to his house and I went there but I would have liked so much to stay at my house and not go anywhere, nevertheless I used to go to have sex with him, that is, to have sex with someone who had never been in my sexual fantasies, and this is also a bit depressing, over time he had become sticky, jealous of my previous guys, he wanted to know everything about them, but also about their sexual preferences, he asked me if we had made some videos while having sex, and this question left me like a dried cod, he saw me fall from the pear tree, so to say, and insisted that everyone does it and that it’s normal, in that moment I began to fear that he had placed some hidden cameras to record our sex meetings and I began to be afraid of him, maybe I was exaggerating, but I didn’t feel calm. 

Since then I started spending the afternoons thinking about how I could get rid of him in a non-traumatic way. It was becoming an obsession. I couldn’t find any possible method, anyhow our relationship has cooled down a lot, up to meet no more than a couple of times a month. Once I call him to probe the ground and he answers me in a very formal way (something very unusual for him) and then I hear a male voice saying. “Who is?” and he replies. “He’s a friend I haven’t heard from in a long time!” In short, he had found another guy. I never called him again and luckily it ended like this! And then I said to myself: “It’s my fault! I can’t go with someone I don’t like!” 

I was 32 years old and frankly I felt no longer like to look for another gay guy! My friends were enough for me, a few friends, always the same, friends who meet once every two months!  I’ve been alone for a few months now but I feel still uncomfortable. At 32, it’s too early to achieve the full peace of mind, I mean the total detachment from sexuality! I look at the guys on the street, I haven’t lost this old habit of mine but the total involvement that I once used to feel I don’t feel it anymore. Now I begin to feel melancholy for an impossible thing. On the one hand there is the temptation to try at least another time, but on the other there is the experience that stops me and says to me: “But where are you going? Do you want to make the fourth edition of your failures?” and so I stop before taking rash steps and I go back to my den. Of course many times I have the impression of wasting my life, also because if I don’t do it now, I mean what I’d like to do, I will not do it anymore! And in practice I risk putting myself in an early old age condition, and frankly doing it now I think it’s too much early. But having said that, the big question remains: what to do? Should I download that famous app on my mobile? Or should I join some dating sites? But I never did such things and maybe I did wrong, because I could have found the guy of my dreams right there. 

At the moment I have no goals, there is a guy that interests me and for whom perhaps I would take a risky step, but he is six years younger than me and I don’t even know if he is gay, even if certain things make me think it could be. But maybe he has a girlfriend and gets married in a month! Anyhow a guy like that still puts me in crisis. He works in a supermarket where I go shopping, he gives me an impression of lightness, looks like a happy guy who tends to smile at people, at the supermarket he has become the darling of old women because he treats them well without exaggerating. I also tried to infiltrate among the customers, he was very professional with me, but in the end he smiled at me too. Once, he was pushing a big cart full of groceries at too high a speed so that he was about to lose control of it and the cart was going to crash into a frozen food cabinet, I got in the way and stopped the cart, he flashed me a beautiful smile, I waved to be more cautious and he made a move enlarging his arms as if to say: “Ok, I don’t do it anymore!” 

What do I know about this guy? I know his name because it is written on a kind of pin from the supermarket that he carries as an identification, but here I will call him Paul for privacy, I know his age, because he said it, not to me but to one of his old ladies, when old women ask him about his girlfriend, because someone does it, he never talks about it, he is radically evasive on the subject and limits himself to changing the subject, and such a behavior makes me think. It seems too little to me to think about talking to him. I’d like it to happen by accident, like the history of the cart, but it may never happen. Could he be my fourth failure? He is a handsome guy, the most beautiful thing he has is his smile. And then what can I invent to start a conversation? I had thought that I could try to understand what time he gets out of the service in the evening and in order to pass “by chance” over there, but I thought of even worse hypothesis, for example that I could pass out in the supermarket when there is only him, so that he should give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but maybe instead he could call the ambulance to take me to the hospital! 

I have not lost my head for this guy, but I have him in my fantasy, the fact is that in all probability I’m not in his fantasy! Is it really so pathological for someone my age to be at this level? I talked about it with one of my friends, with whom I hardly ever talk about these things, and he listened to me and it took him a while to answer, sign that he was thinking about it, then he told me it’s very stupid to think that this guy will be the one who will change my life, but thinking that he cannot be that guy in principle it’s no less stupid, and that after all, if I try and things go wrong, I only took my fourth punch in face, but if the story ends well – he said – my life can really change. After all, the answer is obvious and in a sense encouraging, but between saying: “Try!” and really trying there is an abyss, it would be complicated even with a girl, but with a guy there is the risk that he can completely disgrace you, even if I don’t think this is the case.

Can I ask you what you think about?

Alby87

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Hi Alby,you ask me what I think? Well, I think that what your friend told you is absolutely true. It’s evident that this guy interests you a lot, so a possible story can’t anyway follow the model of that one with your third boyfriend. Problems, however, are many, in the first place you don’t even know whether he’s gay or not and, on such a thing, relying on the so-called gay radar only is absolutely inadvisable. You should talk to him, you should try to build a minimum of friendship. I think giving up a priori would provoke in the future a series of very frustrating regrets, while giving up knowing that he’s straight would be somehow a very different thing, but if you don’t have even a minimum of relationship with him you will never know how things are and how far you can go. I just give you trivial advice: go to the supermarket often, try to exchange a few words about the weather or the about the supermarket service, then see if he immediately cuts off the conversation or instead he doesn’t let it drop. Don’t be afraid, even from the few elements you have at your disposal, he doesn’t seem like a guy who likes to put others in trouble. I don’t think you would have too much to lose anyway. I don’t know what else to say to you, except that I’m a fan of you and that I hope him to be finally the right guy for you.

A hug and good luck!

Project

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Hi Project,

a few months have passed since my first email and things have changed as I never would have imagined. I’ve been looking for a way to start talking to him. I went to the supermarket very early without the mask and waited for him outside. Employees enter 40 minutes before opening to the public and there were no customers. I called him from afar, he recognized me immediately, I told him that I had to do the shopping but I didn’t have a mask, he replied telling me : “Wait there, I’ll find one for you.” After 5 minutes he came back with a packet and a 5 euro receipt, I gave him the 5 euro, which he had paid in advance for me, and I put on the mask. I thanked him very cordially! Then I went in to do the shopping and when, during my shopping, I went to him we had a few minutes of conversation because nobody was there, then I went to get him a sandwich and a drink and I put everything in a paper bag, I went back to him (my legs were shaking!) and I gave him the bag saying “Thanks!” He seemed puzzled but looked inside the little bag, then looked at me as if to say: “But there was really no need of such a thing!” I thanked him again and then I left. 

With gimmicks of this kind, slowly a minimum of relationship has been created. He had said once that he had no car, and one day when there was a bad storm in the evening, I stopped by the supermarket waiting for him. At the exit time, when I saw him I called him, as if I were passing there by chance, he got into my car, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, I said to him: “Where can I accompany you? Because it pours.” and he said, “I have to go to my girlfriend, but it’s far!” For me, that word was like a stab, but now I couldn’t back down. Meanwhile we exchange cell phone numbers, then he calls his girlfriend, tells her that he is in the car with a friend (me), they talk for a few minutes but I can’t understand the real meaning of what they are saying and in the end he tells her to wait for us at the building door in 10 minutes. I stop under the girl’s house and the girl gets into the car too, she is not only a beautiful girl but also very intelligent and it’s evident that there is a very strong understanding between them. Paul asks me to accompany him and the girl to his house, and tells me where, I drive almost mechanically, I have the impression of having thrown myself into a story that doesn’t fit to me at all, in short, of having thrown myself into another of my troubles. 

Once there, Paul tells me: “Park and come with us!” I say that I don’t want to disturb and that I prefer to go away, but he says to me: “Look, there is someone who wants to meet you!” I feel strange and ask: “And who is he?” and he replies: “My brother!” and adds a phrase that is to me like another stab: “I have a gay brother!” I try to disengage myself, but while I’m putting together all my speech, the brother (I will call him Mauro) comes down the street and invites me to go up. I was having a heart attack. He was a beautiful guy, even better than his brother, a guy really sunny and I knew he was gay and he wanted to meet me. We go up to the house all four, Mauro had prepared four sandwiches and drinks, we eat and drink, then Mauro says to his brother and his girl: “We go away so you can be more comfortable!” 

Mauro explains to me that his brother had told him about all my maneuvers to approach him, Mauro had understood on the fly that there was something underneath and for that he was curious to know me. Mauro was 25 years old, one less than his brother, he was a beautiful guy, ok , but I really didn’t want to delude myself about anything. Looking at him the first time, I had thought: “A guy like this one must have already had his experiences!” And instead he had never had a guy, but that’s not enough, at 25 he was already a graduate and worked. In short, Project, after a couple of months in which we basically studied each other remotely, Mauro became my boyfriend and Paul and his girlfriend became my best friends. Mauro also has a nice character, he never leaves me to myself, he understands what I think, he’s strong, I’m not afraid that our story will end, he also sees things in a way not far from mine. With him I feel good from all points of view, I can say that I have rediscovered the pleasure of being gay. I will soon be 33 years old and it almost doesn’t seem possible to me that things have changed so radically and instead it happened!

A strong hug. If you want to publish the emails, do it freely.

Alby87

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If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-story-of-a-gay-guy-aged-20-to-32

GAY SEXUAL CONDITIONING AND COUPLE DIALOGUE

I often hear people speaking about gay sexuality, I myself have used and still use this concept and I do it by adapting to a widespread and radical simplification of the concept of sexuality. Descartes begins his “Discourse on the method” by stating that, as for “common sense”, “everyone thinks they are so well endowed with it, that even those who are more difficult to satisfy with regard to any other good do not want or desire more common sense than they have. ” The same could be said for the “knowledge of sexuality”, to whoever I ask for an answer I find people who are convinced that they have a very clear concept of sexuality. However, gathering these answers I do not find that variety that one would be legitimate to expect given the plurality of individual and social conditions, I’m instead faced with rather homogeneous answers, far from individual experience and inspired above all by mass media, television, cinema, readings and, to a large extent, by the use of internet pornography. In essence, the common concept of sexuality represents an abstraction, radically simplifying and trivializing, capable, precisely because of its generality, of being acceptable to the great majority of people.
 
Individual sexuality, which is not an abstract concept but a reality that permeates the whole individual, is linked to many factors, first of all to personal experience, which is absolutely unique and unrepeatable even if it can be studied with standard sociological categories based on age and social conditions. Among the fundamental factors that condition personal experience, family education and sometimes even religion must be placed at the top. The intertwining of the various lines of development of the individual experience is extremely complex and, beyond the abstract or theoretical concepts, leads the individual people to “live sexuality” in very different ways.
 
Here then appears a first substantial distinction: the concept of sexuality of an individual is not what is stated in response to a specific question, but what is embodied in that individual’s behavior. Sexuality is not an abstract concept but a reality that lives in individual experience. Which means that knowing and understanding the sexuality of another person is an objectively very difficult thing, because to share these contents you need an atmosphere of deep intimacy and mutual trust that allows you to overcome the blocks that normally make it impossible a serious dialogue on these topics. Why is it so difficult to speak seriously not of sexuality in general but of one’s own sexuality? The fear of being judged, of being classified, marginalized and rejected, is the basis of any resistance to true dialogue on these issues and is generally a well-motivated fear.
 
There are two prerequisites for any serious dialogue not about sexuality in general but about one’s own individual sexuality. The first prerequisite is the radical elimination of any judgmental attitude, that is, of any preconception, but this prerequisite is still formal and almost professional, in the sense that any psychologist assumes or should assume a non-judgmental attitude. The second assumption is substantive and completely different and consists in accepting reciprocity as a fundamental rule of dialogue on individual sexuality. Accepting reciprocity means understanding that at these levels there can be no roles, there cannot be a professional detachment but an equal dialogue must be accepted. If the dialogue is not perceived as equal, it will never reach the deepest contents of consciousness and their manifestations in sexuality. A level of communication such as that described can be reached sometimes, but not as a rule, between lovers who are now well beyond the phase of sexual experimentation and who have a very strong mutual affection, but can also be reached sometimes in the context of very close friendly relationships (without involvement of sexuality).
 
It should be noted that the depth of a relationship is measured by the quantity and quality of information about ourselves that we are available to provide to the other. In a relationship of superficial friendship we never talk about affective life or we talk about it with very general and, so to speak, common sense categories, in a relationship of close friendship, emotional and even sexual confidences become frequent, in long friendships supported by concrete evidence of mutual reliability, emotional and sexual confidence can become total, that is, it can lead two friends to have no secrets from each other. Obviously all this happens very rarely but sometimes it happens.
 
What does it emerge from the comparison of individual sexualities? What emerges is essentially the category of complexity. What we consider simple and spontaneous manifestation of the sexual instinct, in reality is not at all simple or spontaneous, but is the result of the interaction of an extremely specific genetic-epigenetic substrate with the experience of the person as a whole, that is, with a plot of infinite correlations, for which it is difficult to identify even very general taxonomic categories.
 
I will try to limit the discussion to the gay area only. If there is truly something common in the experience of all homosexuals, this common element is nothing else than becoming and then being aware that the ways of living the affectivity and sexuality of two gay people can be radically different. More or less all gays identify being gay with falling in love with guys rather than girls, or more generally with having sex with guys rather than girls. At this level, in reality extremely general if not generic, it is easy to find consensus, when however we try to understand what it means for every single person to fall in love and have sex with a guy, that is when we move from abstract to concrete, abstract categories lose their meaning and individual stories come into play, stories strictly individual although often similar to those of other gays who find themselves in similar personal and social situations. Thus the importance of the only true instrument of knowledge of the other emerges, which is his individual story, I’m speaking exactly of the individual story, that is, of a real experience, just as it is perceived by the individual who has lived that story and  brings deep traces of it in his memory, I’m non speaking of the story told to other people and more or less unconsciously reinterpreted by the one who lived it. 
 
One of the intrinsic limitations of any psychotherapy consists in the fact that in a professional relationship, if the therapist can guarantee non-judgmental attitudes or, better, behaviors, he certainly cannot in any case open up to a substantial reciprocity, which, alone, could lead to the emergence of the profound contents of consciousness. The therapist, therefore, starts not from the knowledge of the individual story of his patient just as the patient experiences it, but from the representation that the patient gives of that story to the outside, in a communication in which the guarantee of professional secrecy can in no way to make up for the absence of reciprocity. In a sense, we offer a deeper knowledge of ourselves to our lover or our dearest friend than to the psychotherapist because with the lover or dearest friend the condition of reciprocity can really exist.
 
In the early 1900s, Havelock Ellis was already fully aware of the complexity of the homosexual reality and of the substantial impossibility of building a theory of homosexuality that could have a minimum of concrete utility, therefore he preferred to abandon traditional attitudes and organize his book as a collection of 39 real cases, told in the words of the protagonists themselves. The 39 stories, which make up about half of the book, allow the reader to understand the complexity of the homosexual world and then to acquire, even if through a book, a little real experience not of what “homosexuality” is at the theoretical level but of what can be the life of 39 homosexual people with different personalities and experiences. In this sense, more than a book or a scientific article, a novel or a story can help to understand the reality of the life of gays as individuals, which is what matters, and not as a category.
 
In the 21st century, the role of novels and short stories is largely taken on by films, short films and videos, which use a different  language but convey similar contents. In recent years, more or less for ten years now, there has been a noticeable flowering of gay videos, which generally deal with the major issues of gay life in a substantially serious and correct way. Obviously you cannot ask a video of an average length of twenty minutes what you can ask a novel or a feature film, but some of these videos, even if short, are small masterpieces. Generally these videos are quite well made, one feels the hand of expert directors and one understands that the production is not of a reductive amateurish type.
 
These videos can constitute and sometimes really constitute a true form of affective-sexual education, capable of counteracting the models spread by pornography, because in gay themed videos the emotional and psychological dimension is present in a serious way. Unfortunately, gay-themed videos are still produced, at a substantially professional level, providing very particular gay reality models that risk favoring deviant associations in the mind of the viewer, such as the association homosexuality-drug or homosexuality-violence or homosexuality-depression or worse homosexuality-mental pathology or homosexuality-crime. These associations are the result of preconceptions and suggest that the authors of the stories, the producers and directors are not themselves homosexuals and limit themselves to making videos following common prejudices.
 
Gay themed videos written and made by homosexuals are generally short glimpses of homosexual life and are extremely varied, they are therefore a very powerful educational tool, easy to access and capable of highlighting the most classic themes of gay affectivity and sexuality and the gay point of view, in its most complex and varied articulation, on many issues that affect family relationships, homophobia, dialogue among gays and couple life.
 
Let’s go back, however, to the complexity of gay sexuality. A deep emotional relationship with your partner allows not only verbally, but also through the sharing of sexuality, a fair comparison of experiences and the emergence of all the contents of individual memory, even the most hidden. This means that a good gay couple relationship can be more useful than psychotherapy because it allows, in a context of reciprocity, to speak freely about one’s own sexuality and above all to live it without taboos.
 
We need to clarify a concept, as simple as it is forgotten: sexuality can be lived and is often lived in a completely mechanical way, without deep affective involvement, and the sincerity between the partners may become something optional. The lack of sincerity reaches the point of legitimizing the betrayal and to hide from the partner some elements that would radically change his opinion on us. Even in situations where there is no betrayal and it is not a question of hiding “behaviors” that could change the judgment of the partner on us, there are other elements that can be and are often kept silent, these are the non-standard sexual fantasies that may not be accepted or understood by the partner, this is the case of pedophile fantasies even if they have never been put in practice, but it is also the case of incestuous sexual fantasies, or intergenerational, but the listing could also extend to other sexual fantasies, less alarming but quite uncommon.
Another category of experiences is almost always kept silent, even if it is facts that should in no case undermine the relationship with the partner, I refer to having suffered sexual violence or harassment in childhood or in early adolescence. The episodes of violence or sexual abuse of minors, almost always in the family environment or by regular visitors of the family environment, are unfortunately much more common than you can imagine. All these elements and many others can have a profound influence on an individual’s sexual behavior and on many other aspects of his personality. The couple relationship, if it is really a love relationship, can be the best way to achieve a substantial serenity of life.
 
Sharing sexuality, sexual freedom in intimacy with your partner, feeling accepted for what you are, after showing yourself for what you are, is a unique opportunity for gratification and emotional exchange, which is truly able to change the life of an individual, provided that couple sexuality is truly an exchange of love and not a substantially selfish rite to exorcise solitude.
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LOVE IN A NON-STANDARD GAY COUPLE

Hi Project, 
I read so many posts on the forum, especially the last ones, and in reading them I had the impression of finding in many guys a kind of resignation in accepting everything from the other (your partner or something more or less similar), something that often happened to me too and that, I must say, has led me to many disappointments.
 
I told myself that being gay is already a complicated and problematic thing, but being a gay like me, who in the end always adapts to the desires and needs of the partner, means to shoot oneself in the foot. I felt united to all those guys “no more boys and not yet men” who run after a beautiful and impossible companion because to put us in the same category there was the fact of being unlucky in the same way, and unlucky means without a pussy, and this says a lot.
 
[The original post is in Italian, in Italian “unlucky” sounds normally “sfortunato” but there is another word, very commonly used to express a quite similar meaning and this word is “sfigato” literally “a guy who as no pussy to play with”. In Italian “pussy” sounds “figa”. ]
 
But now, Project, I’m writing to you for another reason, I no longer feel like a weak person or a fool who accepts everything from his partner because he is unable to rebel! I no longer feel like a victim but not because I rebelled and changed my behavior, but because I realized that I was never a victim.
 
Things are not at all like I had begun to see them in recent times: I love him! I have loved him for years, we have been fighting and making peace for years but we are always here. Today my … I don’t even know how to call him, well, I’ll call him Puppy, my Puppy called me on the phone and we spent a lot of time talking, he told me about his boys (yes, it seems paradoxical but it’s true!), about his doubts, his fears and a thousand other things, then we disconnected because it was too late and after a few minutes he sent me a text message: “I love you!”
 
I can tell you, Project, that I felt in seventh heaven, I don’t care that he’s no more my boyfriend, because after all he never was my boyfriend even when we were together, for me it’s enough that he loves me as he always did. If I continued to believe in him it is not because I was a weak guy or a loser who didn’t know where to head and somehow had to delude himself but because I loved him and I knew that he loved me too.
 
I have always known that he loved me, one can tell me: “but it is ONLY a friend!”. ONLY? But such a friend, a true friend like this is one who really loves you! I cannot say that we have been together for 14 years, because it wouldn’t be true, but we have loved each other for 14 years and this is very true. We know each other thoroughly and the contact between us has never been lost.
 
I’m not in love with the Moon, Project, but with a real guy who has so many flaws but he loves me like no one ever did. And I fell in love with him not because I didn’t see his faults but because I felt he really loved me in his own way. I don’t want a perfect boy, I want him, or rather I want him to be happy. Today he told me: “Many run after me but then nobody wants me as I am, they all tend to be possessive, you don’t, with you I can afford to be what I am.”
 
With him, in other times, I lived a couple’s life, then that phase was over but the loving has not passed, and I was so afraid that it would pass, but it did not pass! Project, you may find it absurd, but I feel like a happy man! I’m not alone, I know that he is there, with all the load of contradictions and melancholy that he carries with him, but he really exists. Maybe I see him more like the brother I never had than as a couple partner.
 
Actually, as he says, I’m not possessive but it’s something that comes naturally to me, I don’t feel like a renouncer or a weak screwed by a partner who takes advantage of the situation: none of this, Project, I feel happy! Many guys would consider what I wrote to be pathological, yet it’s all true and my happiness is true too. I would be upset if I lost him, if he forgot about me, I would be terribly ill if he judged me badly, but I feel him close even after 14 years so as I’ve never felt anyone else.
 
From the outside it seems that in my story there is no reciprocity because we no longer have sex together, but nevertheless there is a deep reciprocity and it has happened to me many times to feel important and even irreplaceable for him. Sometimes when he calls me he is anxious, then slowly he calms down and starts to joke a little, well, those are really wonderful moments!
 
Over the years I have also learned many things about couple life and about myself. With him I found a balance and an affectionate reciprocity (without exaggeration and without too many words), which I never found with anyone else. Today I feel really happy!
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GAY GUYS WHO SEE STRAIGHT FRIENDS AS GAY LOVERS

Hello Project, I was pleased to talk with you in the chat, last night, it was an unexpected thing but very positive for me. In practice, the first time that I could talk freely about myself and my sexuality. I was struck by your answers, always very calm, that is, answers that tended to calm me down and make me notice the normality of so many things that seemed strange to me. I decided to send you this email to go even more specifically. I changed the references of the places and the names of the people, but the facts are exactly those that happened to me, so if you want you can post the email on the forum. I proceed by chronological order.

I’ve always been gay in an exclusive way, that is, I have wanted for years, since I was eleven or twelve, to be in sexual intimacy with males, with young peers or a little older. The fantasies of masturbation were always and exclusively gay, but I also had a girlfriend, I even had sex with this girl, we masturbated each other and about ten times we have also had complete intercourse, but I never felt heterosexual. I could even have sex with a girl, but that was not what I wanted. If I could have chosen whether to do it with a girl or a guy I wouldn’t have had the slightest doubt, but the girls wanted me and courted me ruthlessly, practically they offered “what they had to offer” on a silver plate, while of guys I couldn’t even see the shadow.

Even when I was with my girlfriend my masturbation was always and only with gay fantasies, I tried to force myself to use hetero fantasies but it was just a way to rape me, and then honestly I was not in love with my girlfriend, it bothered me when she would send me text messages or when she phoned me and started to chat and didn’t finish it anymore.

When I was with my girlfriend I was 18-19 and it started because I could not say no and, I must say, the thing, a little (but very little) she intrigued me. The first times we had sex, just masturbation, I studied on the internet what to do (I know it’s absurd but it is so), then when it came to having complete intercourse, my tool … refused to do its work, but in the end I succeeded, but, you know, it was a very poor thing. I think that for a straight guy who penetrates a girl, especially the first times, ejaculation arrives early and is powerful, at least that’s what I’ve always heard, for me it was not so, I didn’t have a spontaneous orgasm and the orgasm came only later when she was masturbating me. And I must say that many times I asked myself what I was doing there, anyway we had sex non too much rarely. And it happened about ten times. She was happy and just didn’t realize that the thing told me almost nothing.

Now I am 27 years old, I graduated and I found a job. Towards that girl I didn’t feel repulsion but I felt that having sex with her wasn’t something that belonged to me, and anyhow with another girl I would never have gone, not even at that time, with that girl the opportunity had been created and it has been however unpleasant to break the relationships, because there were resentments, but I was already very determined to do everything to never find myself in a similar situation again.

However, now it’s been over for eight years. And then, once the story is closed with that girl, I didn’t want to know any other girl just because I wanted a guy. I spent the night chatting in search of the right guy, but frankly there was no one who seemed to me the right guy. That was my nightlife, the day life was that of the classic straight guy or rather the classic guy without sexual interests at least apparently, dedicated only to study and friends.

And here I begin to get to the heart of the matter. At university I got to know a lot of guys. First we talk a bit about the university, then we start studying together, then we get to know each other better, there’s pizza together, the sport, which is fundamental for us, then we start going on holiday together, or at least start going out together on Sunday, in short, we become friends and, let’s say, the selection of friends is something automatic. It starts with a small group that becomes increasingly smaller and more tied. Let’s say that when I was twenty I had many friends, but weren’t real friends , while at 23 or 24 I had less friends but between us the relationships were much closer. Let’s say that around the age of 25 a group of 4 guys was formed, who by now seemed inseparable.

We used to have lunch one day at parents’ house of one of us and another day at the parents’ house of another. Our friendship was a public fact and accepted by our families. We had known each other for study purposes and we could have given us a hand over the university. One day it occurred that Laurence (obviously a changed name) told us that we could go to the gym together, in one amateur group of volleyball, it was a sport that all four of us liked and we enrolled in the local volleyball association. Here I have to open a parenthesis. The four of us were fine together, none of us four had a girlfriend at the moment, but all four of us (including myself) had had a girlfriend, but none of us spoke of girls or disco.

It was then that I began to wonder what was common among us that made us feel so good together and I began to get the idea that it was really the fact that we didn’t talk about girls and that we were very often among us. But among us the atmosphere was very loose, we were not four gruff types but four funny guys who have fun acting like crazy and saying bullshit.

With others, or if others there were, we never did so, but between us yes. From time to time we ended up (always between us) talking about sexually, but not about girls but only about masturbation.

We begin to attend the gym, for me a real shock, I had never been in a gym and seeing all those naked guys walking around so casually, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, led my heart to 120 pulses per minute, and then there were my three friends and I could see them naked, even if for obvious reasons I had to be careful not to check them too much. There were also jokes about our attributes, but jokes just to laugh.

With the passage of time, going to training had become a habitual thing for me, or almost habitual, because sometimes new guys arrived that some were really beautiful and I had to force myself not to look at them. One day when a particularly handsome new guy came, I saw one of my friends watching him and I too was surprised by my friends while I was looking at him. And there began the jokes, but also this time, very simple things, without malice, a real game.

Now, my friend Mark (false name), who had turned to look at the beautiful guy, was also the one of the three that I liked best: tall, blond, with an intelligent smile. So I started putting together the mosaic tiles: he doesn’t talk about girls, he jokes about masturbation and not about girls, and he turns to look at a beautiful naked guy . . . what does it mean? There were enough arguments to reach the conclusion: Mark is gay! It seemed to me that having seen him peek at the beautiful guy in the locker room was equivalent to a full coming coming out. And that’s how I began to lose my head for Mark. I tried to put together everything I could know about him (I had never done it before) I explored his facebook, that of his friends, I did all the possible research but there wasn’t even the shadow of a girls.

The idea that he was gay became more and more a certainty and at the same time grew in me the idea to try something with him, to tell him that I had fallen in love with him and that he had become my fixed idea. Making a speech like that, however, was not easy, indeed it was practically impossible.

In a short holiday of us four friends in the mountains, Mark and I happened (not casually) in the same room, I was anxious at the higher level but I wasn’t able to start to put in practice my projects. One day that we had to go out for an excursion we woke up late and we had a shower together, with a lot of reciprocal touchings, I was going in bad erection but he told me that we had to prepare in a hurry and with a mischievous smile, added: “We’ll talk about it tonight!” That sentence hammered my brain all day. I was telling myself that I had seen right and that it was gay and that I could not go wrong, because I see him as a gay just looking at him.

Finally the excursion ends, in the evening we go to dinner and I cannot wait for the dinner to end to be able to go to the room with Mark, but another of my friends proposes the disco and Mark enthusiastically accepts. I was uncomfortable: he evidently didn’t even remember what had happened in the morning. We go to the disco, the other two friends start dancing like crazy but not in pairs, simply in a group, but Mark remains close to me, it is the usual Mark: smart, nice, maybe gay, on the other hand how can you think that a guy is straight if he goes to the disco and doesn’t even dance with a girl?

At a certain point he looks at me in the eyes and tells me: “What is it?” Something wrong? “I say no and he replies: “Do you want us to go back to the hotel?” Of course I tell him no, but he looks at me again and tells me: “I didn’t forget!” That sentence puts my brain in motion. After twenty minutes we were back at the hotel. We go up to the room, lock the door and he throws me on the bed and start to tickle me. We played like two kids: tickling, cushions, doing the fight, obviously all for fun, then I realize that he’s excited. I throw him on the bed and start touching him and he lets me do.

Now I don’t want to go into details as it is usual in red light movies but in short we arrive to masturbate each other and I don’t think at all that this created problems for him. I would have kissed him but I didn’t take the initiative nor did he. Later we have been talking but not about sex, but about when we were children and how we spent our holidays. I was happy, it was one of the most exciting moments of my life, and yet, in the following days I realized that for him the sense of what we had done was very relative.

He never returned to the subject, but not because it had been removed, simply because it had been just a moment, and that moment had passed. We remained friends, even best friends, but two years have passed and that episode has never been repeated. Even now he doesn’t have a girlfriend nor I have a boyfriend. The courage to ask him if he was gay I didn’t have it at that time nor I would have it now, and on the other hand he doesn’t ask me questions.

Why is it so damn hard to speak clearly. If he were gay, would he try again? I think so, but he didn’t and nevertheless now I still feel attracted to him very strongly, he’s the sexiest guy I ever met, is my ideal boyfriend, but this is not enough to make it really my boyfriend. Many of my illusions are completely faded or are being fading over time, in short he is a good guy, I love him, but I don’t think he is gay, and to get to this conclusion it took me years. Today I believe and fear that our strange half-way relationship will go on and prevent us from living our lives as we would have liked.

____________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-guys-who-see-straight-friends-as-gay-lovers

BEWARE OF GOOD GAY GUYS!

Hello Project, I am a 27-year-old guy, I don’t know why I write you, perhaps because I’m disappointed and pissed off and I need to blow off steam.

A friend told me about this gay place a few nights ago and I was very excited about the fact that it is a different place from the others, a clean and sincere place, where write guys who have little to do with the usual guys addicted to chats, dating sites or clubs, sensitive guys, with a sense of morality, who make beautiful speeches etc. etc..

He knows how I think, or better he knows how I thought a year ago about certain things and he thought to give me a kindness giving me this advice not knowing that in the meantime I changed my opinion.

So I’ll explain, I’ve never had so many problems in understanding that I was gay and to accepting it. And at 16 I had already started going out with other gay guys like me. I also had my sexual experiences, and had several gay friends with whom we went out, we talked, we had fun but among us there was also sex, but nevertheless we just stayed just friends.

At school I was fine, with my parents no problem at all, I had made my coming out with the closest friends. Then at about 20 years old, I began to have the desire to build something completely mine with a guy, to fall in love and really love someone, but it seemed very difficult and now I’ll explain why. I did not want to find a guy publicly declared as were my friends or who frequented or attended certain environments and had had many sex experiences because I thought things would never work, starting like this, and that there would be betrayals and no real interest in making the things last long. Briefly, I wanted a well-meaning and undeclared guy who didn’t hang out on gay-labeled clubs. But finding a guy like that is certainly not easy and I’ve never had this famous gay-radar that’s probably just bullshit.

I was studying physics at university and I had the idea that not a single student of physics could be gay except me. Instead I was wrong. Maurice was a year older than me and we met in the classroom by chance. We immediately bonded and became very close friends, I found myself in love with him in less than a month. He was a perfect guy for me, as I imagined him, that is very sweet, serious, thoughtful and likeable, a little shy and he was also very nice.

Luckily I knew by chance that he too was gay, I’m not going to explain how, otherwise I would do it too long, and knowing it I started to unbalance me and make him understand that I was in love with him. Maurice was resisting because he was not declared to anyone and had no experience and was ashamed of it, but in the end we got together.

I was in seventh heaven, I really loved him and I did everything to make him feel good and at ease. Regarding sex he was a bit clumsy and always afraid to make mistakes but I reassured him and gave him all the time he needed. I thought that things with him could only get better and better, after two years we were very close as a couple and with sex everything was fine now.

Then a friend of mine tells me that Maurice betrayed me, I didn’t want to believe it but there was evidence. At the beginning, Maurice has also denied and only when he was already embarrassed and he didn’t know what to invent, he said that it was true and he even started crying, he begged me to forgive him, that it was a mistake, stupidity etc.

At the beginning I also sent the toad down, I was pissed off and not so much for the betrayal as for the lies but I thought to believe him and give him confidence, but it did not last long.

However, he used to look around, to try to meet new people, in short, it was evident that our couple wasn’t really satisfying for him. When I confronted him he also accused me by saying: “Thank you very much! You have had your sexual experiences, I on the contrary didn’t have any, and to judge if one is really at ease in a situation, comparisons are needed.” We broke up. I thought: “I found the rotten apple, what a misfortune!” I still believed it.

But Maurice was not the only rotten apple at all but was just a prototype of the good guy, because later I met many other guys and even older men more or less like him. Guys who believed in love, who wanted to find a guy to love, with whom to build a future, guys who wanted sex only with the right people or out of love. Serious and good guys! And then? Always the same stories! There are those who after a while have to look around. There are those who would like to cheat but are also afraid to stay alone again and therefore they don’t cheat but only for this fear, not for you. There are those who have spent years dreaming of having a boyfriend, of falling in love with a guy who lives just for them, of living together and then in reality they do not know what to do, they are idealists,

they don’t give in to the normal compromises of a normal story with a normal guy and they prefer return to dreams rather than live reality and they easily send everything to ruin for bullshit. There are those who seem to love you in a total way after not even a week together, that seem willing to any action for you, end when you try to make them understand that there are words that mustn’t be used lightly as “I love you” and that it is difficult to love a person and it’s not something you learn in two minutes, it seems that you don’t feel anything for them and you are breaking their heart, when they, at 35, maybe are still in the stage of not being able to distinguish a crush from a falling in love.

You will say: “They all happened to you only!” I thought about it too but then talking to other gay guys I realized that in the end one should not look for those “good gay guys” but just avoid them! That in the end it is only a reverse prejudice thinking that they are the only ones with which you can build something serious, and that the guys who have a freer and more uninhibited life are the ones who are not very serious … No it doesn’t work at all like that.

I’ll tell you more, one of my longtime friends has been with a guy for eight years and they are a couple like the one I dreamed of. Yet they started as an open couple, they were all right together as people, they loved each other but sex they could do it with those they liked, in sincerity, without subterfuge and betrayal and many words of love and promises in the wind. But in the end they slowly built their relationship, they understood that they loved each other and that sex was more beautiful between them than with others. They took time, the right-thinking people could only judge them and attack them and say that it was just for convenience, that they didn’t respect each other, etc., but now they are, I repeat, a beautiful, close couple, a strong couple full of projects and enthusiasm and I with all my fads about good guys I’m alone and so disappointed that I do not really care about being in couple anymore. That’s all, Project.

Thomas

P.S. if you want, you can publish this email maybe it could be useful someone who has the same beliefs that I once had. Better a cold shower now than years lost to chase the wrong people.

__________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-beware-of-good-gay-guys

HELL AND HEAVEN OF A GAY GUY

Hello Project, I wanted to tell you that for three weeks now I feel much better and it seems to me that I can get out of the black mood. It seems incredible, but it’s happening. Project, what you did for me has never been done by anyone and it seems incredible to me that you can create similar relationships even if you don’t even know who I’m, but it happens. In the last period everything has changed for me, apparently nothing has changed but I’m the one who has changed, I feel that I have changed and I owe it to you. You know all my story and you told me that there are other guys who live and have lived similar things and then I want to tell my story to those guys because not being alone and understanding that we are not alone, for those like me, is fundamental. Project, the story is long and I took so long to write it but I think it makes sense, because in the end I’m finding my way and so I finally feel free. Project, I tell you something true: I adopted you as a father! It’s something that I missed so much and I’m discovering beautiful things! (Thanks for the good wishes, you’re the only one who has remembered it!)

THE STORY OF PAUL

My name is Paul, I was born in Milan almost 28 years ago. If I look back at my childhood and adolescence I find no time in which I can say I was I don’t say happy but not even serene. My parents never got along, from the date of their marriage and from my date of birth I deduced that I was already arriving when they got married, which would not be a problem, but I don’t look like “my father” at all, under any point of view, just as far as genetic factors are concerned, and I think I’m not even a son of the man who married my mother, but I don’t know for sure and I cannot ask for something like that.

My parents (if they really are my parents), I remember that they often screamed and made spite. They had no other children and I was the object of contention, and I had many times, even as a child, the very clear feeling that “my father” didn’t want me because he knew I was not his son. My mother literally considered me a mess and tried to entrust me to relatives and to various campsites. From the age of eight, that is, since they divorced, they put me in a boarding school for rich people. My parents are economically wealthy. But the choice to send me to boarding school was just a way to disguise the fact that their wanted to get rid of me in order to continue living their lives without me. I was just one that had nothing to do with them.

The college was in a very nice place in the [omissis] area. They came to see me once in a while, usually once every three months, once he and one she. When the teachers told me that the next day my father or my mother would come, I felt really bad and I hated them as I think I never hated anyone.

When I was a kid I did not understand these things well and felt guilty because I hated my parents while teachers told me I should love them. In practice I grew totally alone, both during the school months and during the holidays. I specify that my college was totally male and managed by priests. A hateful place where with the excuse of letting me learn the discipline I was practically relegated as in prison. You learned hypocrisy, falsehood, and even the relationships with schoolmates were just of competition and constant acting, even in private.

My schoolmates waited at least for the summer holidays, I didn’t, because I would have ended up somewhere else like a parcel post. When my mother came to my boarding school, she took me to lunch outside and thought she had done her duty. We only talked about school and she tortured me for hours because she thought it was her duty to pay me a long visit. My father at least stayed very little. Both he and she gave me expensive gifts that I systematically threw away or gave away to someone soon after they left.

Since I was 15 years old they have not given me any more presents but they have thought to give me money and many. I never took that money and they considered me an imbecile for this too. So I was in a boarding school and I didn’t have a penny in my pocket.

The school was a real torture for me. In the fifth gymnasium ( 15th grade) I was rejected which meant another year in prison, I would have gone out of college only after have turned 20! Repeating the fifth gymnasium I met a guy that I liked a lot, I didn’t even understand why.

We were in a religious college and we had a spiritual father. So I started to masturbate thinking about that guy and I felt tremendous guilt. I told the priest that I was masturbating and he didn’t take it as a tragic thing, he always made the same speech and stopped there, but I didn’t say to the priest that I felt homosexual. Once I went badly in crisis and told him that I was gay. It was a terribly wrong choice! College life has become a torture. They controlled me visually as the rotten apple. I always had a priest nearby during my free time. In a first moment I tried to repress and control myself, that is, not to masturbate anymore and even to stop thinking about that guy, but it was a real torture. I resisted even three weeks by auto-imposing not to even think about sex but then I didn’t do it anymore and I masturbated again and I said: “Enough with these absurdities! Go to the hell!”

Since then I began to tell the spiritual father only false things: that I no longer thought of the boys and that I didn’t even masturbate anymore, but I presented it step by step to make it seem credible, I was 16 and a half years old. Naturally I went to church every day, confessed false things and made communion every day. It was a sacrilegious thing, I know, religion should be a free choice, while for me it was just an instrument of torture and frankly I didn’t feel guilty, and why, then? In our college there were never any common moments with other guys in a state of freedom.

At school we did physical education but in the afternoon, there was the gym, also very nice, but there were no locker rooms, no showers. We arrived wearing sports uniform and went away wearing sports uniform. Among other things, it was generally very cold there. We each had a single room with a private bathroom and shower. So I had no chance to see the boy I was interested in if not perfectly dressed, jacket and tie of the college.

I started masturbating since the 16 and a half, but in a place like that, without the internet (considered as the devil!) And without any chance to read an uncensored book or buy a newspaper, in practice, I did everything using fantasy. I selected someone among my classmates and built on them all my fantasies. The first times, this new regime seemed acceptable and even pleasant, then I began to realize that I was throwing my best years this way. The year of the final examination, in November, I also escaped from the college, I was of age, in fact I was almost 20 years old but I didn’t have a penny in my pocket. I arrived at the station after having walked a very long way and I got on a train without paying the ticket and I locked myself in the bathroom until the arrival in Milan so that they couldn’t detect me.

In the college room I had left a letter saying that I would be back in the evening. In Milan I realized for the first time, at almost 20, that the world existed, something that was shocking for me, I was late for years. In the afternoon I newly got the train with the same technique and I came back to the boarding school. Result: they kicked me out of the college! Finally! Of course they warned my parents, who were careful not to come and see what had happened. My mother gave me some money (a telegraphic order) and I have been in a hotel since then in the town near the college.

Then my mother found me a tiny apartment there and they transferred me to the state high school. There were the girls! I had never seen one before, but I wasn’t interested in girls. But the world of the state school was completely different. The professors sometimes even talked about sex, no one forced us to go to mass, there was no spiritual father and we did physical education in a gym with locker room and showers, I couldn’t even imagine a trauma bigger than that .

You might think that in a situation like this I felt good, but it was not like that at all. I felt desperately alone, full of complexes, I had entered the locker room just once for a moment, but after I saw my naked mates I didn’t enter there anymore. They were all there joking and having fun but I just felt the heart beating at 180. The feeling of loneliness and isolation was total. I had a mini-apartment all of my own and fortunately the feeling of solitude sometimes seemed a feeling of freedom.

To prepare the exam I bought a computer and there a new world opened in front of me. Avalanches of free gay sex, but those things sickened me. A few years ago even in porn things were different, they were more vulgar, more aggressive and I didn’t like them at all. When I masturbated thinking about my schoolmates I was fine but when I tried to imagine myself in scenes like the ones I had seen on porn sites I was nauseated. In practice I saw that gay content on the net was all sex but in the most vulgar sense of the term.

I studied very little that year because I had to grow up in many other things. In the end I passed the final examination with a very low rating. But at least the school’s torture was over. I was sorry because the following year there would be no more chance to see my schoolmates naked in the locker room, what, by the way, had almost never happened, but at least there was the possibility.

I leave my apartment and I move to Milan in another apartment paid by my parents. A minimal thing. My parents lived in Milan but I would never have gone to their home, now we no longer called each other not even by phone, after my escape from the college I was considered just a blockhead and the low-grade of my diploma was the further proof of it.

I enrolled in Engineering at the Polytechnic shortly after I turned 20. So many guys and beautiful, but I was totally unable to maintain contact with them even at the minimum level, I felt embarrassed, I felt them more grown up than I was in every sense, even if my classmates had a year less than me. I had tried everything: I enrolled in the gym and then I never went there, I tried to see if it was possible to study with some of my colleagues but always went wrong, they were real geniuses, and I understood little or nothing at all.

The first year I passed a single examination with 19 [18/30 is the minimum score to pass an exam]. At least it was not 18! The second year I newly attended the same courses of the first and I passed a single exam again but with 20! I was 22 years old I was basically a failure from all points of view. Bad university results, practically between university and school, three years lost. I tried to repeat again the first year, but I could not endure it anymore.

My colleagues were three years younger than me and they understood everything, I didn’t understand anything and I didn’t study anything, I felt essentially a failure. I sent everything to ruin, I bought things to eat that went bad in the fridge, sometimes I didn’t get up from bed all day, I ate very little and lose weight dramatically. I have arrived to weigh 55 kilos, even though I am not very tall it’s anyway very few.

At the age of 23 I changed faculty and moved to Economics. The thing was more human and at the end of the year, working at terrible rhythms, I managed to do almost all the exams of the first year. At least from that point of view things started working again. I took my first degree at the age of 27! After too many years lost! I did the first year of the specialistic but of the exams that were planned I did little more than a half because I started working and I finally cut the economic cordons with my family. From this point of view, let’s say, I managed to return to the surface, but my emotional life, in practice, until recently didn’t exist at all.

Since last year I discovered Gay Project and I must say that for me it was an important thing. I read the forum every day and the guys who write there, it seems to me I almost to know them in person, a little I feel them as friends, because I don’t have gay friends. So basically until this year my sexuality was only fancy and I thought that a real contact with a guy, that is, something that gives you a strong sexual emotion I would never have tried it.

I had practically resigned myself to such a thing, resigned badly, let’s say so, because sometimes I saw some nice guys, I wanted at least to try to talk with them but I couldn’t really and I felt a sense of extreme despair. Now I work as an accountant, in practice I verify the “form 730”, “Unique” and things like that, work of low labor, but all in all I can live of my own.

At work, a 26-year-old guy arrived, rather nice, that is, I like him and he also attracts me sexually. Since I met him, it has been my only sexual fixed idea. I think all of you have gone through things like that. First you start to masturbate thinking of that guy, then it comes to your mind that you don’t know if he’s gay, well, I’ve overcome all these things, he told me he’s gay because I would never had such a courage and he also said that he likes me.

He had tried a minimum of physical contact with me but I rejected him badly, I did a kind of hysterical scene and then I ended up to cry, just an attack of despair, he was in a tremendous embarrassment and I was sorry very much because in the end I wanted him but I rejected him so violently that he got really scared and started to keep me at a distance. I could not understand why if I wanted him, and I wanted him madly, in the end I had attacked him like that.

That’s where the Project forum happened to me and I said to myself: I try, so what do I have to lose? And I called. At first a tremendous embarrassment. From what I’ve read many guys talk about sex in a very casual way but I just couldn’t.

The first time, we talked for hours but always in a very vague, and never about sex, I thought that Project was tired but no. Then I called him back, but still without talking about sex, the third time he called me, I was not expecting it and I was very happy and even the third time we didn’t talk about sex. In fact I had been looking for Project just to talk about sex and instead a very strange relationship was created which I was not really used to. A man that could be my father was talking with me for hours, he listened to me, a very strange feeling. I asked him why he was listening to me and he told me that he was at ease and in fact I was fine too, so I found the courage and told him about me, telling him a little about the story you read up to now. I also said of the anxiety that takes me when I’m with my friend and that I thought I would never be able to have a sexual contact with him.

One thing struck me: de-dramatization. Project took it for granted that it would not be a big problem and that it would be resolved soon and well. We talked about sexuality very freely. Well it was remarkable: I had no inhibitions, something that had never happened to me before when the talk ended up on sexual issues. I never thought I could talk freely with a man of that age and instead it just happened. Then in the following days, we talked often. If I have to tell the truth I felt the affection of Project, the attention to what I said and what I am.

Why did I write all this post? Well, the reason is one, yesterday, for the first time, I managed to kiss that guy. I had never experienced anything like this, just a feeling of total mutual abandonment. The time that stops and you end up to merge with another guy, a wonderful thing, let’s tell it, because of these things I’m not ashamed anymore, the excitement was such that I came to orgasm for a kiss! When I told this to Project, he told me some beautiful things. It’s true Project, being gay is a beautiful thing and makes you forget so many bad things you’ve been through. Now I consider that guy as my boyfriend, and he thinks the same! Guys! Never let anyone throw you down! I now feel like another person!

________________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-hell-and-heaven-of-a-gay-guy

OPENLY GAYS AND THEIR RELATIVES

Hello Project,

I read so many times in the forum stories of guys coming out and thinking that coming out can be the door to happiness, well, I too thought this way years ago, when I was totally in the closet, but now I would absolutely avoid advising a boy to come out in front of his family and this for a very different reason than one could imagine. If the family does not accept you, ok, the problems are huge, but if they accept you problems can be huge all the same, because a gay boy completely out and accepted in the family ends up experiencing a family conditioning completely overlapping those to which a hetero boys are subjected, that is: everyone knows, everyone comments, everyone gives advice and tries to combine relationships in their own way and in practice the privacy and the feeling of being couple, just like two and only two people, goes to hell, because social invasion becomes increasingly heavy and unpleasant.

A year ago I met a guy, Mirco, when I was on holiday in Puglia. At the time I was totally in the closet, while he was totally out. We spent 15 days of vacation together, a little sex (protected), then, for me everything was finished, I didn’t feel in love with that guy, but he insisted and asked me to go and see him at home in Salerno, he insisted a lot and in the end I accepted but probably I didn’t realize exactly what would have happened, I thought I would be presented as a friend and that everything would end there, but he was out with his family and when you present yourself at home of a gay boy totally out and he says you’re a friend, his family automatically identifies you as the lover, or as the lover of the moment, and that’s exactly what happened to me.

I don’t deny that the first day I was really uncomfortable, I couldn’t bear the attentions of his relatives. In particular his mother and his aunts subjected me to a real police questioning and meddled with subjects that I had never shared with anyone, but all this is nothing in front of the behavior: they put us in the same room and not with two separate beds but with a double bed and his aunts began to make absurd speeches: that if I loved their nephew I should not be ashamed and so on, but I was not in love with their nephew and I did everything to make it clear and evident, but for them I was the boy of their nephew. After the 15 days I came back to my home in Milan, where nobody knew anything about me and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then I received a postcard from Mirco that created me a lot of embarrassment, he sent me a postcard with the image of two guys kissing (at least it was not us!) But a postcard like that seemed to me quite inappropriate, especially because Mirco knew I was yet closeted. But there’s more: the postcard was signed “also” by Mirco but had not been written by him but by his aunt Carolina, and said: “Happiness exists!” Obviously I didn’t respond to the postcard for the fear that another similar postcard could came, instead I received an email from Mirco telling me that it would be in Milan for the post graduate university training and that he would take a mini-flat near the university. I don’t hide the fact that I panicked and tried to think how I could get rid of Mirco, because I expected that sooner or later he would create problems with my family.

I wrote to him that once back in the city I had reviewed my ex and we were back together, of course it was all invented but I hoped that it could serve to turn him away from the idea of coming to Milan, but he replied trying to make me have scruples of conscience, remembering the days and even more the nights spent together in Puglia. I replied in a way that seemed to me very cold and evasive and three days later his aunt Carolina called me on the phone even if I hadn’t absolutely given her my phone number, and she told me that Mirco spent the day thinking about me and crying, what seemed to me completely unlikely. I suspect that the idea of attending post graduate courses in Milan was not of Mirco but of aunt Carolina, who is very meddling; if she were my aunt . . . I save you what I would do! Nothing sexual of course!

The academic year restarts and Mirco arrives in Milan, calls me every day and I do everything to avoid him, unplug the phone for hours … however, sometimes I cannot avoid meeting him, but I do not have to spend more than a few minutes with him, because Mirco comments loudly about the guys he sees on the street and behaves as none of my friends would have ever done. I avoid with the utmost care to enter with him in a bar or in a restaurant because nothing is a problem for him and nothing holds him back, but he doesn’t realize he is disturbing the privacy of others. Three days ago aunt Carolina calls me and tells me that Mirco feels much better “now that he is in Milan” I hope that he has found a guy, but aunt Carolina tells me: “The merit is all yours! Because you knew how to take him with such sweetness!”

And here my arms fall to the ground! What did I do? The situation was getting really heavy, I told aunt Carolina that I was already with a guy and that Mirco knew it very well and she added that yes he knew but anyway he didn’t believe it.

I decide to face Mirco explicitly and I do it. He looks at me and tells me: “But I had understood very well from the first day I arrived in Milan, I know that there is no tripe for cats with you [expression commonly used in Rome to say that there are no possibilities] and then I found another guy … Quiet, everything is ok. You know, aunt Carolina is a spinster and she must always combine weddings … staying here in Milan I realized that I probably created a lot of problems because nobody knows about you, I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to get rid of this thing, maybe to find gay friends, but maybe this is out of place for you. Quiet, I’ll stay away, I understand the lesson.”

I thanked him and then he said to me: “Aunt Carolina … you will not get rid of her so easily, but don’t take her seriously if she tells you that I’m crying all day, because she said the same thing to all the guys I brought home … she is like that!”

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