I skip all the preliminaries on your site and its usefulness and I’ll get straight to the point.
I am a 40 year old guy, obviously gay, who lived for many years a rather retired life, I have never attended clubs or even chats or dating sites. I met some gay guys but up to 35 I never had real couple stories, in practice, attending a guy I realized that he wasn’t the right guy for me and the story ended there.
At the age of 35 I meet Marco by chance, who was then 24 years old, we chat a bit, I don’t feel overwhelmed by passion, but nevertheless we also get to have some sex and, to my surprise, it doesn’t seem at all a trivial thing. I mean that having sex with Marco was just another thing, I realized that it created a very special atmosphere. I could understand Marco’s needs, his hesitations. He trusted me. Sex was authentic, participated but also relaxed, we talked a lot about ourselves, he remembered everything I told him, it was clear that he was trying to create a true, important, strong relationship with me. After a few months we had no more secrets for each other and he had come to talk to me about very private things that he had probably never talked about to anyone.
I realized what Marco was carrying with him, inside himself, what kind of life he had done when he was a child and then gradually over the years. His experience had been very hard and had left indelible traces on him. I began to understand that a deep restlessness agitated him and that he needed a huge willpower to resist himself and not give in to fantasies that would then put him badly in crisis. We came to speak clearly and explicitly about all these things and I could understand that for him to be able to talk about those things was very important. He realized that in spite of his fears, I didn’t try to distance him but, on the contrary, I tried to stay closer to him.
Our relationship developed on two distinct levels, one sexual, so to speak, as a classic couple relationship, and another deeper, based on total sincerity and also on total mutual trust. It may seem strange, but this second form of relationship often ended up being more important than the first one. Marco often tended to consider himself as one at least potentially dangerous to others, he feared he would not be able to control himself. When we talked, I realized that he feared that there might be some rejection reaction from me, but exactly the opposite happened.
After the most difficult speeches it was time to make love, which was in practice a manifestation from our mutual acceptance “without reservations”. In those moments he completely melted, because he knew he was accepted and knew also that I wasn’t afraid of him. He always tried to avoid a relationship of tenderness between us, for him the alternative had to be clear: or only sex, apparently without affection, or very serious speeches and total sincerity, but he has always been afraid of affectivity. If I tried to say “I love you!” he would stop me and tell me that he knew it and that there was no need to repeat it all the time.
He was trying in some way to make our relationship appear just as a matter of sex, maybe a little to test my resistance. I tried to reflect a lot on his speeches and to observe his behavior with the utmost attention and I ended up falling in love with him as I had never happened to anyone. I thought very often about him, I wanted to stay with him as much as possible.
Then, one day, after a little hesitation, he told me that he had met another guy, that he thought he loved him and that he also thought that this could create big problems for me. I somehow expected something like that, sooner or later I thought it would have happened anyway, and I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. I replied with a smile that he should feel free and that I would always love him, without any conditions and I said it in a convinced way. After this talk we didn’t have sex but we have been talking for a long time.
From here began the series of attempts by Marco to build a couple’s emotional life. We continued to feel even later, not really with the same frequency as before but a serious contact has been maintained anyway. Sometimes Marco fell in love deeply but then the story didn’t go on for more than a few months. In the end he has remained practically alone and has stopped looking for a guy, he went back to studying with excellent results and, at least apparently, he returned to a more standard and tidier life, but when we speak, I realize that, however, almost nothing has changed at the deepest levels. He’s quieter because he’s substantially more detached from everything that happens to him. He tried to keep in contact with his ex-boyfriends but in the end almost all of them have disappeared, frightened perhaps by the difficulty of building a relationship with him.
We continue to talk on the phone or see each other in person, even if more rarely. He speaks to me of his attempts to build an emotional life and I don’t understand why the guys he falls in love with end up turning away from him, probably they don’t know him deeply. It is as if they were afraid of him, as if they couldn’t understand the meaning of his reactions. I too have sometimes been a little afraid of him and it still happens to me because I see that he insists on rejecting the emotional dimension of our relationship, but insists on rejecting it only in words, because spending so much time on the phone and talking very seriously is not just a way to spend time. Between us there is a special way to really understand each other, I would say that in our communication pauses are worth more than words.
I don’t know exactly how to behave, Project, of course I love Marco and I would like to see him happy, not necessarily with me, sometimes I thought that a closer relationship between us could be constricting for him and also because of this I don’t know what to do, he needs his freedom, but he also needs me, or at least I hope so. He is the only guy with whom I have had a very deep relationship and it is precisely this that has led me to fall in love with him. Being close to him is not easy but I understand that it has an enormous value both for him and for me. It would be a real pity if all this ended up in nothing, I would not want for anything in the world that he could find himself alone to reflect on his fears, an idea like that puts me in a crisis. The story is all here and now you have also understood a little my mood.
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