GAY STORY IN BLACK AND WHITE

Dear Project,I’m writing to you because I’m in a whirlwind of emotions that upsets me and I cannot tell anyone my story, you will soon understand why. 

I’m a guy who lives in a large Italian city, I’m 22 years old, I study at university and have a family that I would call good, I’m not talking about money because there is enough of it and not more, I say that my family it’s good because I respect my parents. I specify that I’m an only child. They always left me the maximum freedom, at 14 I had the house keys, they never liked to get involved in my private things. They don’t know I’m gay, or at least I think they don’t. I never brought a girl home or talked about girls, and they never asked me questions about girls. I can go back late in the evening, sleep away from home on the weekends and they don’t ask questions anyway. 

When we happened to see TV broadcasts about gay people there was no prejudice. I remember a phrase from my father: “Everyone must be able to live as he wants if he doesn’t harm others.” But despite these elements that could have pushed me to come out, I never did, I don’t know why, but instinctively I didn’t trust my parents too much. Project, I think if I did it now they wouldn’t have any particular problems, but now that’s not my bigger problem. 

I attended high school in a serious school, and in this I was lucky. My teachers, especially those of the three final years, were really good, I liked going to school. My class was considered among the best. In the third year, that is, at 16 years old, since our class was too small, they added a group of students who came from a class that had been dismembered. They were three guys and two girls. Even then I didn’t care much for girls. However, the three girls after a few days changed schools and only the three guys remained in my class. One was black, Alan (here I will call him so), one was Albanian and we called him Alban, which is anyway a true Albanian name, but this was not his name, and one was Italian and here I will call him Mino. 

Already at 16 he was a handsome guy, tall and well-structured, in short I liked him. The teachers immediately noticed that the three new guys were far behind with the programs and organized study groups in the afternoon, because the school was also open in the afternoon. The three new guys had to go to school in the afternoon for two hours with three schoolmates (tutors) and a teacher who organized the work. Alan and Alban were really involved in this work organization and made remarkable progress, Mino instead considered the afternoon lessons as an imposed and substantially useless obligation, played, wasted time, drove crazy his schoolmate who acted as a tutor, and sometimes even the teacher. I was good at school and I tried to be chosen as a tutor for Mino as often as possible because I didn’t care about Alan and Alban, but the rules were tight and well defined and I could tutor Mino twice a week at most. 

Mino was a guy who, as far as I knew, had a lot of money and very little desire to study, I was infatuated with him, but he used to say only nonsense. I could not understand how such a beautiful guy did not realize that he was just wasting time, I tried to convince him to study, of course, if possible to study “together with me”, but the results were very poor. Once I went to his house to prepare a math classwork, but among snacks, records, photographs and various nonsense we did not do anything. I thought: “Mino will be rejected!” and really he behaved only as an idiot. I felt bad for him, because I realized that he was going to the disaster and was not doing anything to reverse the trend, then he started to do a lot of absences and in mid-December he went to a private school. Once he came to see us and said to Alan and Alban: “What are you doing here wasting time? Come to my school! otherwise they will reject you here!” But Alan and Alban didn’t change school, at the end of the first period of school they got some little insufficiency but teachers encouraged them because they were always present and did everything they could to improve. In the end, both of them have been promoted without any particular problems, and they were really happy. 

The fourth year Alban changed a lot physically and he became a really handsome guy and I started losing my mind for him. Of course I was careful not to let him realize it, but we had become friends and he occasionally came to study at my house. It was not like with Mino, for Alban, studying was something serious and many times I realized that he was one step ahead of me. Alban was a very good guy and I liked him a lot, I talked about everything with him, but obviously never about sex. I had never seen him with a girl and I had deduced form it that our friendship was perhaps not just a simple friendship. Since the Easter holidays I have cultivated my secret love affair with Alban, we used to meet often and I also went to his house several times, and right at his house I realized traumatically that Alban was straight. One day, while we were studying, a very nice girl came to his house, and there was no doubt that she was Alban’s girl. I felt like someone on whom the roof of the house is about to fall but anyhow I acted like a medieval knight, when I was alone with Alban I congratulated him on his girlfriend and he was really happy! It seems a little strange but I was happy too. The year ended quietly and I tried to think of other things.   

The last year of school we had to go on a school trip before Christmas to spend ten days in Austria. We all leave, no one excluded, we were 18 students and I happened to share the room with Alan. In the evening we go on talking before going to sleep. I tell Alan that Alban had a beautiful girl, I was expecting a comment on the girl and instead Alan answers me with a phrase that makes my blood freeze, he says to me: “Oh yes, Alban is straight!” I was really blown away and after a few seconds later I asked him: “What do you mean?” and Alan replied: “That he’s not like us …” again after a few seconds, I replied: “No! It’s not like us!” this was our coming out. Then Alan said to me: “You tried it first with Mino and then with Alban, but they were from the other parish” I asked him: “But how did you realize it?” and he only replied: “Well …”. In short, before the Christmas holidays I realized I had a gay friend, because Alan and I were friends, I could trust him and I couldn’t trust anyone else. 

During the Christmas holidays we didn’t meet, I was happy that Alan was gay and also that he was my friend but I wasn’t in love with him, not because he wasn’t a nice guy or because he didn’t deserve it, but, brutally, because he was black and I had never considered the possibility of having a black guy, that is, I had never made fantasies about a black guy, but I liked him from many points of view, he was very polite, very respectful of me and my way of seeing things and was extraordinarily intelligent, so much so that at school he had become more or less the first in the class. In short, I spent all the Christmas holidays thinking about Alan, listing all the reasons why in my opinion a story with him couldn’t have worked and on the other hand he too could have a thousand problems staying with someone like me, because maybe he had only fantasized about black guys. 

At the beginning of January I was really convinced that there would never be anything between me and Alan, but we were both gay and we got to speak clearly about this problem. I asked him how he would react if I told him I was falling in love with him and he replied. “We are friends and I love you as a friend … and a little more, but you have to keep your feet on the ground. Being a gay couple is difficult, but being a gay couple as we would be it’s even more difficult.” I asked him if he had thought about it and he said yes but added that we had to go very slowly, in practice we decided we had to wait and think about the final exams first. So we remained friends, we used to say “just friends”, but with him I was fine, I felt safe. 

He had repeatedly probed the ground with me to understand what I wanted to do at the university and he had told me his point of view. He was very well informed, he had gone to the orientation meetings since the previous year, he knew all the sites of the Ministry of the university with the study programs of all the faculties, it was obvious that choosing the same faculty would mean something more than attending the same faculty. That same evening we enrolled in the same faculty. The first exchange of pampering with him happened just in the evening we sent university enrollment. He was very affectionate and always repeated to me: “If you should have any doubt at any time you must feel totally free, we would remain two friends attending the same faculty and I will love you anyway! Exactly three years have passed since that day and we have been together for three years. 

He didn’t say anything to his parents because gays are not very well seen at his home and I don’t know how to behave with my parents. I saw that movie: “Guess who’s coming to dinner” and I wish that with our parents it would happen what happened in the film, but here there is the fact that we are also two gays and the complications increase. Now we are at this point. What to do? In my opinion and also in his opinion, we must not take risky steps, we must finish our studies and try to be economically autonomous, so we can go to another city, perhaps abroad, to build our lives there, maybe in two different houses on the same landing. Project something happened that I NEVER would have expected and instead it happened! I’m fine with him, but we have to be careful of what’s around.

Let me know what you think. If you want, publish the email because there is nothing recognizable.

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GAY SEX: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE PREVENTION

Hi Project,I’m a twenty-one year old guy from Northern Italy, lost in love with a guy a year younger (here I will call him Maxi and I will not explain why! But his name is not Max) who is also madly in love with me. You will tell me that if so, there is no problem and instead problems are many. 

He has had many adventures even with much older guys and with those guys he has done everything even without a condom. He told me these things a little bragging, because he does such things, but he put a thousand fears on me and also slowed me down a lot. I like him very much, that is, I get excited just even thinking about him, but I can’t put myself at risk, because until now I’ve never been with anyone and therefore I’m not afraid of having taken HIV, but if I have sex with him then there is the risk that I go into paranoia, and at the limit I could really get into trouble, and I don’t want to risk it because I’m not crazy. 

I made Maxi read a couple of Project articles on sexually transmitted diseases and he replied brutally: “It’s all bullshit! If everyone who fucks took HIV, the world would already be over.” I didn’t like this answer at all and it made me think even more that he had sex without a condom and that therefore I have to be very careful. You understand well that this thinking about the risk, which has insinuated between us, puts a lot of things in crisis. 

Since I have been with him, I struggle to keep him at a distance, I always try to meet him on the street and where there are people, he has insisted so much that I go to his house, so that we can be together and nobody can disturb us, but I never went there. He asked me to come himself to my house, but luckily there is always someone at my house, so from his point of view such a thing is not even thinkable. 

We did that little bit of sex only on cam, which is not a small thing, but it is clear that in person it’s completely different. I have a car and he doesn’t, and he has asked me many times to go out with him by car, but in the evening, not during the day, so he proposes me to go out just to have sex in the car and I have so far invented all the possible excuses to avoid such a situation, and such excuses in part were also true. 

Project, I keep him at a distance, but I really wouldn’t want to keep him at a distance, because by keeping him at a distance I risk losing him. Apart from what we do on cam, we spend hours on the phone and always in an erection, then, before ending the call, we come tu the end while we speak but each on his own, it’s not a small thing because I feel that he really participates, but I miss his physical presence very much and I think it’s the same for him. 

How long will all this last? Do you think that he could accept to take the test? Or do you think he would consider me a pathological case, a guy obsessed by the fear of diseases? However, in the end it would be the only way to get rid of fears. If not, what can we do? Just touching each other together, well, maybe it would be fine for me, but for him I think it wouldn’t be enough. He is not a guy of those who love pampering and have little sex, he really needs sex physiologically. What to do? Let the guard down on HIV and then face the consequences? But it’s an idea that I really don’t like. Or should I stop him when we’re together and it comes to his mind to go beyond the safety limits? But if I do this, I also hurt myself and above all he could send me to the hell. Or have I to continue to pretend without speaking clearly as I have done so far? But that seems cowardly to me. 

I’m afraid of losing him but I can’t even think that in order not to lose him I have to accept to take risks, I could agree to limit myself only to things not at risk, but it wouldn’t be fine for him and basically not even for me. Sometimes it gets on my nerves that he is so superficial about these things, he used to spend hours on dating sites, he says he doesn’t do it now, but I’m not so sure. On his phone I found that famous app and I told him to remove it, he told me he no longer uses it and he thought it would end there, but I insisted, he was in a good mood and took it off, but he can download it again whenever he wants. 

However, it bothers me that he puts his very private photos into circulation, there aren’t too much problems for the family jewelry, but you can’t put your face on such sites, because otherwise they’ll recognize you on the street and you’ll become the laughing stock of the town. When I tell him these things he laughs and reminds me that we got to know each other precisely through that app and now I try to keep him away from that same app. 

Anyway, I don’t think he cheats on me, because we spend so much time on the phone doing our things that he has very little time left to think about other stories, he spends his time studying because he is also very good at university, he takes all high grades and he never reproaches me even if he could easily do it, because I’m not as good as he is, but I too study and take my exams. He doesn’t boast that he is better than me and this is a point in his favor, but there are several others, first of all he makes me laugh, that is, he puts me in a good mood, he is never in a bad mood, he smiles at everyone and he enchants with a smile, and furthermore he doesn’t forget the commitments he made with me, if he says one thing, you can take it for granted that he puts it in practice. A very important thing is that he doesn’t tell lies, sometimes he tells me things I would prefer not to hear but he tells me everything all the same even at the risk of losing face, because he doesn’t tell lies. 

He doesn’t talk about his family well or badly, he never talks about it and he never talks about money, he doesn’t wear designer clothes or expensive clothes, he’s a normal guy and I like that very much. He is not gone mad with psychology as a guy I had known before, who as soon as you opened your mouth used to psychoanalyze you starting from three words. He really used to think he was able to understand people just by looking at them, but I didn’t allow him to make fun of me this way. 

Maxi doesn’t behave like another guy I had also known who told me that he was gay and used to swore in front of the girls that he was straight, I don’t know what he really was but I didn’t really like him not even physically. Maxi doesn’t say bad words, blasphemies and things like that, he also talks about sexual things but in a polite way even if very direct, then a very important thing: he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t drink and obviously he never took drugs, he doesn’t go to the disco hunting for guys or rather he doesn’t go there anymore, according to what he says. He is sporty but not mad for sports, he goes swimming once a week but, in spite of everything, he has had his experiences and this irritates me a little even if maybe it’s just envy. 

But now my problem is to make him take the test, which then, if he does it, and if after the opportunity happens, at least he would think twice before doing some big bullshit. With health he feels invincible, he takes it for granted that he is fine and will always be fine while getting into serious trouble is very easy. I would like to propose to him to take the test together just as an aut aut condition, if he doesn’t accept it then it means that he doesn’t care about me at all and it is better that I give him up, if he accepts it, we can take the test together in order to be really free. I never thought that I would have had this type of problem, I always thought that I would find a guy like me at the first experience and therefore without risk and instead I found Maxi and I have to deal with the reality. 

What would you do in my place? I would like to play the card of taking the test as aut aut, I think he would end up giving up! 

Dan99

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GAY GUYS BETWEEN COUPLE LIFE AND CAREER

Hi Project,

I have been following your forum for years, albeit occasionally. Somehow you covered all the topics, but one was only mentioned in a couple of posts, probably because it is very often linked to the failure of the couple’s life. I refer to the conflict of aspirations between two guys, not to the conflict of their dreams, which generally doesn’t put anything in crisis, but to the conflict of their concrete aspirations and their decisive professional choices. I know you don’t like such a speech, but, gay or non-gay, when a guy is called to a choice between emotional and professional life, he cannot always “save goat and cabbages” (a typical Italian expression that means  reaching a compromise and getting both things that seemed to be mutually exclusive), and it happens frequently enough that he has to give up one of the two things to save the other. In some cases, compromise choices cannot be made because it would end up ruining both affective and professional life. A gay guy can fall in love non only with another guy but he can as well fall in love with his job, his career which sometimes entails so many gratifications, and also with the fact of reaching an enviable economic position. These things happen, and they’re not that rare at all. Often, if you put the two options on the two plates of the balance you realize that it is perfectly in balance and so, if you are not really madly in love, you decide to leave your boyfriend and dedicate yourself completely to your career. You don’t imagine, Project, the power that the idea of becoming someone, that is of becoming important, can have on a guy. It is clear that making a radical choice is anyhow lacerating, because one would instinctively try to save both feelings and career, and when you realize that it is not possible and that you have to make a radical choice, because the third way, that of compromise, is unavailable, you feel split in two. 

I can’t tell you my story by going into too much detail because I have to save my privacy (not just mine) and therefore I will mainly tell you about my moods. When you enroll at the university you still see it from outside and from afar as a mountain to climb. If you work hard with the maximum effort you get your three-year degree without wasting too much time, then during the two years of your master’s degree you dream of a doctorate, you try to convince yourself that you may not get there and instead you graduate and get there. Of course it takes effort and commitment, but then you get there, then there is the post-doc, which seems a distant option, but in the end that too comes and the road that opens up in front of you is very attractive. You feel at least a bit important, you are no longer the low man on the totem pole and the prospects of an academic career begin to take concrete form, publications increase and also your credit in the scientific world. Up to this point it seems all logical, all beautiful, but there is the other side of the coin, there is a price to pay, if you think about your past you see that you have never had a real emotional life, because the emotional life takes time and if you dedicate time to research you cannot dedicate it to emotional life. In practice more or less you always did  monastic life. 

If one is in a similar situation he begins to ask himself a thousand questions but in practice he has no doubt about what to do in the future, simply because he has no alternative, he can only go on on the path he has followed up to that moment. But since a few months I had an alternative. I had met, always in the university environment, a guy my age (here I’ll call him Mark), who had followed a path practically superimposable to the that I had followed, even if in a very different sector. It had taken us a while to understand that we were both gay and, since we had long been hungry for affectivity, it took us even a short time to have our first sexual intercourse. He wasn’t beautiful but physically he was the kind of guy I like and I realized that he was very interested in me. And from here our problems began. 

Two “normal” guys, let’s say so, without concrete short-term expectations, would have lived together and enjoyed their beautiful love story, assuming that over time it could become a true love story, because there were the right premises in our case. But unfortunately or fortunately we were not two “normal” guys, both he and I had worked hard to build a future as we wanted it, but at that time we found ourselves having different objectives and above all irreconcilable with the continuation of our story. It is bad to think that if you want to make a career you have to put feelings aside, but in the end it is so. 

I don’t know if I really fell in love with Mark. The sexual interest was there and also the emotional one, but above all on the emotional level I didn’t really feel in love. Maybe it would have happened over time, but I had to decide without even having the time to know him well and he too was in the same situation. We talked about it, but talking about these things is embarrassing, it’s not like making a declaration of love to a guy, here you have to tell him that you fell in love “but …”, that is, in practice you have to tell him that the career can be more important than him. Fortunately he too was in the same predicament, because otherwise the speech would have been very difficult. In short, we spoke “very rationally” as if it were an abstract issue that didn’t concern us, each tended to emphasize that he didn’t want to bind the other but it was evident that he didn’t really want to bind himself. I thought that even after this speech we would end up in bed, as had happened many times before, and instead nothing happened, there was a lot of coldness, a lot of distance. In practice it was understood that both for him and for me the fact that we would each follow his own path was practically inevitable. 

I can’t say if I took it too badly, because after all it was what I wanted too, but I can say that I went into crisis, I felt mean and selfish and I consoled myself only thinking that in the end we  both were mean and selfish. I realized that in fact I had given up on having an emotional life and not only with Mark, with whom perhaps it would have been impossible anyway, because he too had made a similar choice to mine, but with anyone, because I will have a lot of commitments, and I already have them now, and I will have to go and live where more opportunities will arise and I will have no security for several years and therefore I will not be able to build any serious story with a guy, because I should find a partner willing to follow me, that is, to sacrifice his dreams and plans for me, that is for someone who may even be able to love him but will never be able to dedicate himself completely to him. 

Now I have lost Mark, but in front of me I see the emotional desert and this scares me. I tell myself and I repeat that I’m not able to truly love, that I’m too centered on myself, that I’m too selfish, that I demand what I’m not willing to give. I’m reminded of the gospel phrase: “No one can serve two masters” and I’m afraid I have sold my soul to the worst master, who could give me great satisfaction, and I say “could” because I certainly can’t  take it for granted, and in any case it would be satisfactions all and only of the same kind, and I’m not at all sure that the choice I made is truly the best for me. I mean, Project, that sometimes I feel disgusting. It is true that the university has increased my self-esteem, which before was rather weak, but I’m starting to think that it may have put many really wrong ideas in my mind. 

Sometimes I see guys who got lost along the way and who didn’t get where I got, in a sense I feel satisfied, but in another I feel that between me and those guys an abyss has been dug that cannot be filled anymore and I begin to think that their life will be much better than mine. My environment is very competitive even if we are really few. In my environment I will never find friends but only colleagues from whom I can hope for a certain degree of correctness but nothing more, and to find friends in other environments I should attend them what I will not be able to do anyway. Do you understand what I mean, Project? I know that only I can deal with these problems, I only ask you for a contact to speak a little. My parents know nothing about me and according to them I’m a happy man with excellent prospects, but I feel that it’s not like that at all and I can’t talk about it with anyone. At least with you there is anonymity and I can say what I think. I wait for your answer. My email is very generic, so if you want you can publish it, because it’s quite anonymous but, if you can, send me a contact.

See you soon.

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GAY GUYS AND DOUBLE BED

Hi Project, 

I’m Paul, the 43-year-old who wrote to you because he was trying to accept that the guy who seemed to be his boyfriend had left him to go back to an ex-boyfriend (A GAY STORY OF ALMOST LOVE). When I wrote to you I hadn’t heard from him for more than two months. Today something has happened that has overturned all the balances that I was struggling to achieve and in part at least I had achieved, but I’m happy. In an unexpected way he called me when it was already midnight and said to me: “I need to make love with you, what do you say? Can I come to you in twenty minutes?” I replied that he can come whenever he wants and that I’m always pleased of it, he added: “If you don’t feel like having sex, we’ll just talk.” And this in my opinion is the most beautiful thing you can say! I told him that I was waiting for him and I immediately changed the bed and opened the window, to cool the air a bit, because it’s hot to die for but fortunately there are the mosquito nets. I wondered why he had the idea of having sex with me after almost three months and I thought that the relationship he had resumed with his ex-boyfriend had come to an end. 

When he arrived he undressed and put himself on the bed and he was really beautiful! And above all he was there for me, he had come on purpose with the idea of having sex with me and this idea put him in a very strong state of excitement. I was afraid of not being up to the situation, because sometimes it happens, but I didn’t feel in the least embarrassed, because when it happens he never gets upset, he has never had problems with these things. No, he was not only beautiful, he was really animated by a sexual impetus as in the times when we met many years ago. I refrained from asking him questions. I was fine, with him the taboos have not existed for a long time, with him I behave as I would behave with myself, with the same level of freedom, now it is an acquired fact. He was telling me: “But how is it possible that you have never had sex with anyone else? You should try to be with somebody else!” To this speech, which is not the first time he does, I reply to him exactly as I have always replied that it never occurred to me to make love with another guy, because for me there is just him. 

He didn’t force me at all, no insistence, he knew that I could be afraid of diseases and we only had sex at practically zero risk, there was no need for me to tell him anything, for him exactly as for me, the fundamental thing isn’t in doing this or that but in feeling desired and accepted, and being able to live one’s sexuality together, without embarrassment and without seeing any kind of obligations behind sex. He was really transported by sex, within the limits of common sense, but truly transported. Between us, from the beginning there has always been a very deep understanding from that point of view, we never had sex out of boredom or as a pastime or worse out of duty, it was practically always a very strong thing and much desired by both of us. Maybe that’s why I would never be able to go with another guy, he is the guy of my dreams, after all, in my life, I only desired him in the true sense of the word. When he is with me I see him so free and involved that my head is empty of thoughts and I only think about making him feel good, thanks God I succeed! This seems almost unbelievable to me, but that’s exactly what happens. By now we know each other very well also from that point of view. There is nothing more beautiful than making love with the guy you love the way we do it. Then there will be his ex, maybe, or maybe there will be many other guys, but he has not put me aside at all and he thinks of me just as an important sexual fantasy.  

There was only one thing that I would have wanted different. Generally, even before, after sex he used to get some melancholy, maybe once the sexual involvement is over he begins to reflect on his boyfriend and what to do with his boyfriend, or maybe very likely he doesn’t have a boyfriend anymore. Maybe I don’t have the first place in his heart, but I can’t deny that the his involvement (that was there from the beginning) doesn’t seem in the least vanished because of other things. I wonder how a guy like him can be in love with me, that is, even sexually in love with me, who am a very common type. Now I seem to see him lying on the bed while looking at me and saying “Everything okay?” I would be with him my whole life, it would be a dream for me and today I think it wouldn’t mind him at all, obviously without any constraint, but I think it could last forever. 

Tonight I feel really upset but I’m happy and I think there will be nothing that will be able to separate us, perhaps for a while, yes, but in the end we love each other, between ups and downs, we have been together for many years and then there is between us real affection and respect, I think he is a guy of the highest level both in intelligence and honesty and he trusts me, he doesn’t fear me, in short, I also feel at the center of his attentions. All this, however, must not become a trap, he is not mine, we love each other but he must be free because only in this way he can truly love me. In the end how can people say that there is only sex between us? It’s not true! There is an absolutely unique way of understanding each other. He never felt like a beautiful  guy and instead he is beautiful, when we are together I tell him it many times, he acts as if I hadn’t told anything, but after all he is happy to hear such things! 

I’m also beginning to think of something else that I had always considered stupid before. At the end of our meetings he leaves, he cannot sleep at my house because the next morning he must be at work before 8.00 am if he would start from my house he should get up too early, when he leaves he makes me feel so melancholy because I would like him to stay with me all night long, I would really like to sleep with him. We had sex many times but we never slept together but I think that sleeping together and waking up together would be really beautiful and I think he would like very much such things which are not exactly sex but are sometimes more important than sex itself. I realize that these things, that is in practice the double bed, belong to the behavior of consolidated couples, while he is not my boyfriend, at least in a certain sense he is not, but anyhow falling asleep one in the arms of the other would be really beautiful! In my house there are no double beds and the idea is coming to my mind to buy one, maybe it could also be useful. But I met guys to whom sleeping together in a double bed seemed too sweet, something typical of people romantically in love and not suitable for real men! I can’t stand this expression! Real men? And those would be real men? Those who have sex in five minutes and then bye! Those in my opinion are stupid men! 

However, I feel embarrassed to talk to him about the double bed, but not because of sex, the fact is that he can consider the use of the double bed as a trap from which it is good to stay away. That is, if we have sex with each other as we have always done it is something that seems no more than an outburst, something somehow boyish (and I don’t even understand why!) While if we go to sleep together in a double bed it means that ours is a regular, standard relationship, of those that take away your freedom. I know it is only symbols, but symbols are also important. Maybe I would like to fall asleep with him in a double bed just because I could delude myself that he is mine, this could also be true, but meet in the spare time only during breaks between other work or family commitments, in the most unlikely situations, and always keeping an eye on the clock it is certainly not the best and some of my sexual problems could be due to these things. I need time in sex, I’m slow, if I think I have to get to the end in a set time, I go haywire. Instead with a nice double bed and a whole night together in perspective, well, I think everything would be very different. 

There is also another fact that keeps me from buying a double bed, I live alone, luckily for me, but it happens that from time to time my father, my mother and even my brother (100% straight) come to see me at my house. They always warn me one or two days before, so I don’t have the fear of being caught in the act while I’m in bed with a guy, among other things, my family members don’t have the keys to my house, but they are used to the idea that in my room there is only one single bed and in the guest bedroom there are two single beds. What would they think if they saw the two single beds disappear and found a double bed instead? I don’t know this but I would feel embarrassed, and so I thought that in order to sleep with him in a double bed I would have to go on vacation with him, but even there the embarrassment would be considerable. It is not easy to book a double room in a hotel with a friend and ask for a double bed instead of two single beds. It seems absurd, but these things still condition a lot. I’ll try to talk briefly with him about the hypothesis of the double bed, let’s see what he tells me! 

In short, Project, since the last email I sent you, the world has really turned upside down for me. I had read your answer, very wise and very rational, but my antennae told me that my story, despite appearances, was by no means over and now I can say that I was right! 

Take care of yourself! Obviously do whatever you want with the email.

Paul

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If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-guys-and-double-bed

A GAY STORY OF ALMOST LOVE

Hi Project,

I don’t know who you are, but if you put all the Project material together you are one who tried to do everything he could to do something good and I think you did it, at least to me in these days it was useful to read the forum, it helped me to feel less alone. 

I’m 43 years old, middle age, I’m neither young nor old, it is no longer the age to sow, that time has passed, I think about it with nostalgia but that time has passed. In these days I find myself experiencing situations and sensations that I had envisioned for a long time, but perhaps it is better to start from the beginning. 

Up to 32 years old, I had lived on dreams only, out of laziness or out of fear, I had never looked for or favored any concrete opportunity to find a guy, then at 32, it happened to me what I had dreamed of at least a little and had also scared me a little. I met a very young gay guy, he was 18 at the time, 14 years younger than me, he was a beautiful guy but I considered him a kind of unattainable youth myth. 

We started talking in chat, then we met in person and he fascinated me, he was very intelligent and then he had a dignity that I have never seen in anyone else. It happened that he fell in love with me, something I never would have imagined because he could have had any guy if he only wanted or, better, I think he hadn’t really fallen in love with me but he was fine with me, he felt important, he knew I loved him. My first time, at 32, was with him, and it was the first for him too. 

On one hand I was fine with him but on the other I felt like a thief, one who takes advantage of another. There was not only sex between us, we talked a lot, I can say that we never had secrets from each other. At times he fell into deep depression and I tried to do everything to make him feel better and he had infinite patience with me and accepted the thousand complexes I had with sexuality. 

In the period in which we were together he had other stories that then ended, this actually didn’t create any particular problems for me because I thought that I wouldn’t lose him anyway and that, perhaps, even if in a marginal position, for me there would always be a corner, at least as a friend, and it would have been enough for me, but lately things have changed, he has restarted a relationship with one of his ex, a guy his same age, and since then I haven’t heard from him, I called him, at least to know how he was, but he was strange and detached, he seemed almost worried that I wanted to come forward. Obviously I haven’t looked for him since then and more than two months have passed and he hasn’t made himself heard. In practice what I was afraid of became real, he built an important relationship, which now completely absorbs him, and for me there is space anymore. 

I must say that all this makes me a little melancholy on a personal level, but I also know his ex with whom he restarted the relationship and I know that he is a good guy, that he is not playing with him but really loves him, so I’m happy that things have taken this course, which on the other hand, was inevitable sooner or later. I have been a phase and now my job is to step aside and not interfere in the least. I don’t deny that I think of him and that I remember many situations in which we have been together and those moments have all been very beautiful. I’m sorry that he can consider me a danger or one who can try to get into his life inappropriately. In fact, from many points of view it is much better that things have gone this way, it’s obvious that anyway I will have to get used to a life without him. And afterwards why can’t we stay friends anyway? From my point of view this would be fine, but from his? “In theory” it should not create problems, but perhaps it creates some problem for his partner, or it really creates some problem for him too because now he feels himself involved in an important story. 

After him, for me, there will be no one, he was special and still is, I have nothing to reproach him for, we never quarreled, he was always honest with me and I cannot stop loving him just because he found himself a another guy, I’m only sorry that he is afraid of me, that he may think that I could undermine his happiness, because this will never happen. I would have liked to see him happy, I would have liked him to have said it to me and instead I will only have to imagine it. This is my only displeasure. 

It seems like a paradox, but I’m glad he has found a way that can make him feel better, because I know that he feels really better now. He wasn’t really happy when he was with me, but he has been better since he got back in touch with his ex-boyfriend, the positive effects were evident and I can’t deny it at all. If I hadn’t seen them, I would have had a thousand doubts, but he seemed really another person. Now I will devote myself more to my work, I will resume contacts with my parents, who are now about 70. It may seem absurd but I feel happy! 

I embrace you, Project, use my email as you like better, but tell me what you think about, if you can.

Paul

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Hi Paul,

first of all happy birthday, because today is the 29th June, feast of Saints Peter and Paul! 

Reading your email makes me think that, beyond what you say and the melancholy you speak of, there is also a bitter background because the last chapter of the story should have gone another way. It is as if in the end he was afraid of you and tried to keep you at bay to save his autonomy, which, if you allow me, frames the story in a slightly different way. 

It is true that, as you say, you felt like a thief of his youth but it is equally true that he looked for you until he felt sure of himself, in some ways it is a love story but in some ways it is not is. There was certainly the big age difference but I don’t think that this was the basic problem. You yourself wrote that he probably hadn’t fallen in love with you but that he was fine with you because he felt loved and you talked about some moments of depression when you managed to make him feel better. On the other hand, he too gave you a hand to open a chapter in your life, that of sexuality, which you had left more or less deliberately closed. In fact, you yourself expected it to end like this and probably when it happened you weren’t very surprised. You helped each other to grow, which is already a great and rare thing, but it does not in itself create a love story. 

If he will be fine with his new-old partner, something that now seems to come true but it is not for sure that it lasts over time, you would do well not to live by myths or, if you want, by poignant but now unrepeatable memories. I know that such a thing is easy to say but very difficult to do, but time and detachment will do their job. If, in the long run, his new story doesn’t last, try to build a solid friendship with him avoiding to consider him as your boyfriend, because what happened could very well happen again. 

It’s evident that you love him but life goes on. I’m not telling you to find another guy, which would still be a very complicated thing, but not to depend on his memory and to leave to the past what has been and cannot be repeated. 

A hug. Project

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STORY OF A GAY GUY AGED 20 TO 32

Hi Project,I’ve been reading you since I was 20, now I’m 32 and I have had my experiences of what it means to be gay. I went through all the phases, from the desire to find a guy, to the first experiences and then to quite significant stories, that is, to three stories that occupied my years from 20 to 30, then I detached from all this and, now, I have been alone just for a couple of years and I don’t know what to do. 

My first important story, that is, I should say my first story that seemed important, was with a good guy who never fell in love with me, not because he was in love with another guy, but because he was bisexual, he was “somehow” in love with me with me but he thought to women and every now and then he allowed himself some adventure, always with women. For heaven’s sake! I understand it very well, for him it was a physiological thing, it was in his nature, and probably it is I who am wrong thinking that I’m with you making love but maybe you’re thinking of a girl, because perhaps “in those moments” there are no girls in your brain, but let me tell it (what I never did in front of you), but I don’t really like such complicated situations. I know it’s the way it works for bisexuals but it’s not good for me. I know that if he was gay he could have done the same with a guy instead of a girl but it’s different, if he had been really gay he would have felt deeply involved at least sometimes, but with him the involvement was always very relative, or maybe I was upset because of other motivations and my brain was a pressure cooker about to explode, then he told me that I was not the guy he was looking for and that he wanted to try to get together with a girl,  I had nothing else to tell him than: “Happy wedding and male children!” So I said to myself, “It’s my fault! It goes without saying that if I get together with a bisexual then it ends up like this! ” 

A couple of months later I know a guy who looked “serious”, so to say, one who studies, who thinks about his position, about the future, not one who wastes his time, not one who doesn’t study and when is looking for work does everything to not find it. He’s serious, he’s interested in sex but sex is not his fixed idea, in short, the story starts. At the beginning everything is quite well, we see each other very little because he always has to study, but when we meet we are well together. He graduated, I had left the university halfway and at that time I was already working, then he tells me that he must do his doctorate in Germany, which is very important for him, etc. etc., in short, he leaves for Germany and we start to meet in the evening on social media, I go to meet him in person a couple of times a year, I wait for his doctorate to finish, he finishes it but doesn’t come back to Italy, he goes to work for a research Institute in Paris, I understand that he will stay in Paris for at least four years, so I tell him that I don’t feel like going on like this, that I can’t move to Paris because my job is in Italy. He doesn’t even try to insist, he simply tells me that given the logistical complications, as he calls them, perhaps it is better for each of us to follow his own path. Basically he dismissed me like that, then I learned that he had gone to Paris because he had met a French gay guy in Germany, who worked in his own research Institute and they lived already together in Germany, but he had “forgotten” to tell me this little detail. And then I said to myself: “It’s my fault! Those who are thinking of too big problems can’t think also of me! I have to stay away from such people!” 

At 26 I met my last boyfriend, with him things were much more complicated. We met casually for business reasons, at the beginning I wasn’t absolutely interested in him, he was not my type, he seemed too talkative, too complimenting, let’s say, a little fake or at least one who seems acting. There were immediately misunderstandings, every time I started to say something, he used to analyze what I had said finding the strangest meanings in it. Sometimes he just got on my nerves, I couldn’t stand him, I thought I would never get together with someone like him and instead it happened because he slowly brought me there and I, like an idiot, went after him. I should have stopped him immediately but I didn’t and he felt encouraged and step after step he gained ground and it was increasingly difficult for me to get rid of him. Once he calls me, he tells me that he feels terrible because his boyfriend left him and I go to his house to console him. It was my worst mistake! We ended up in bed the same evening, but as a “consolation”, which is certainly not the best. When I came back to my house, late at night, I felt a total imbecile and I understood that if I had not taken the courage with both my hands, I wouldn’t have gone out from that story anymore. But I didn’t take the courage with both my hands. Every time I went to him I said to myself. “This time and that’s enough!” just like those who know they will never get out of an addiction. He knew how to do, he knew my weak sides, he encouraged me, he consoled me when things were not going well. In short, our story, or it would be better to say our half story, has been going on for years. Sometimes he asked me to go to his house and I went there but I would have liked so much to stay at my house and not go anywhere, nevertheless I used to go to have sex with him, that is, to have sex with someone who had never been in my sexual fantasies, and this is also a bit depressing, over time he had become sticky, jealous of my previous guys, he wanted to know everything about them, but also about their sexual preferences, he asked me if we had made some videos while having sex, and this question left me like a dried cod, he saw me fall from the pear tree, so to say, and insisted that everyone does it and that it’s normal, in that moment I began to fear that he had placed some hidden cameras to record our sex meetings and I began to be afraid of him, maybe I was exaggerating, but I didn’t feel calm. 

Since then I started spending the afternoons thinking about how I could get rid of him in a non-traumatic way. It was becoming an obsession. I couldn’t find any possible method, anyhow our relationship has cooled down a lot, up to meet no more than a couple of times a month. Once I call him to probe the ground and he answers me in a very formal way (something very unusual for him) and then I hear a male voice saying. “Who is?” and he replies. “He’s a friend I haven’t heard from in a long time!” In short, he had found another guy. I never called him again and luckily it ended like this! And then I said to myself: “It’s my fault! I can’t go with someone I don’t like!” 

I was 32 years old and frankly I felt no longer like to look for another gay guy! My friends were enough for me, a few friends, always the same, friends who meet once every two months!  I’ve been alone for a few months now but I feel still uncomfortable. At 32, it’s too early to achieve the full peace of mind, I mean the total detachment from sexuality! I look at the guys on the street, I haven’t lost this old habit of mine but the total involvement that I once used to feel I don’t feel it anymore. Now I begin to feel melancholy for an impossible thing. On the one hand there is the temptation to try at least another time, but on the other there is the experience that stops me and says to me: “But where are you going? Do you want to make the fourth edition of your failures?” and so I stop before taking rash steps and I go back to my den. Of course many times I have the impression of wasting my life, also because if I don’t do it now, I mean what I’d like to do, I will not do it anymore! And in practice I risk putting myself in an early old age condition, and frankly doing it now I think it’s too much early. But having said that, the big question remains: what to do? Should I download that famous app on my mobile? Or should I join some dating sites? But I never did such things and maybe I did wrong, because I could have found the guy of my dreams right there. 

At the moment I have no goals, there is a guy that interests me and for whom perhaps I would take a risky step, but he is six years younger than me and I don’t even know if he is gay, even if certain things make me think it could be. But maybe he has a girlfriend and gets married in a month! Anyhow a guy like that still puts me in crisis. He works in a supermarket where I go shopping, he gives me an impression of lightness, looks like a happy guy who tends to smile at people, at the supermarket he has become the darling of old women because he treats them well without exaggerating. I also tried to infiltrate among the customers, he was very professional with me, but in the end he smiled at me too. Once, he was pushing a big cart full of groceries at too high a speed so that he was about to lose control of it and the cart was going to crash into a frozen food cabinet, I got in the way and stopped the cart, he flashed me a beautiful smile, I waved to be more cautious and he made a move enlarging his arms as if to say: “Ok, I don’t do it anymore!” 

What do I know about this guy? I know his name because it is written on a kind of pin from the supermarket that he carries as an identification, but here I will call him Paul for privacy, I know his age, because he said it, not to me but to one of his old ladies, when old women ask him about his girlfriend, because someone does it, he never talks about it, he is radically evasive on the subject and limits himself to changing the subject, and such a behavior makes me think. It seems too little to me to think about talking to him. I’d like it to happen by accident, like the history of the cart, but it may never happen. Could he be my fourth failure? He is a handsome guy, the most beautiful thing he has is his smile. And then what can I invent to start a conversation? I had thought that I could try to understand what time he gets out of the service in the evening and in order to pass “by chance” over there, but I thought of even worse hypothesis, for example that I could pass out in the supermarket when there is only him, so that he should give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but maybe instead he could call the ambulance to take me to the hospital! 

I have not lost my head for this guy, but I have him in my fantasy, the fact is that in all probability I’m not in his fantasy! Is it really so pathological for someone my age to be at this level? I talked about it with one of my friends, with whom I hardly ever talk about these things, and he listened to me and it took him a while to answer, sign that he was thinking about it, then he told me it’s very stupid to think that this guy will be the one who will change my life, but thinking that he cannot be that guy in principle it’s no less stupid, and that after all, if I try and things go wrong, I only took my fourth punch in face, but if the story ends well – he said – my life can really change. After all, the answer is obvious and in a sense encouraging, but between saying: “Try!” and really trying there is an abyss, it would be complicated even with a girl, but with a guy there is the risk that he can completely disgrace you, even if I don’t think this is the case.

Can I ask you what you think about?

Alby87

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Hi Alby,you ask me what I think? Well, I think that what your friend told you is absolutely true. It’s evident that this guy interests you a lot, so a possible story can’t anyway follow the model of that one with your third boyfriend. Problems, however, are many, in the first place you don’t even know whether he’s gay or not and, on such a thing, relying on the so-called gay radar only is absolutely inadvisable. You should talk to him, you should try to build a minimum of friendship. I think giving up a priori would provoke in the future a series of very frustrating regrets, while giving up knowing that he’s straight would be somehow a very different thing, but if you don’t have even a minimum of relationship with him you will never know how things are and how far you can go. I just give you trivial advice: go to the supermarket often, try to exchange a few words about the weather or the about the supermarket service, then see if he immediately cuts off the conversation or instead he doesn’t let it drop. Don’t be afraid, even from the few elements you have at your disposal, he doesn’t seem like a guy who likes to put others in trouble. I don’t think you would have too much to lose anyway. I don’t know what else to say to you, except that I’m a fan of you and that I hope him to be finally the right guy for you.

A hug and good luck!

Project

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Hi Project,

a few months have passed since my first email and things have changed as I never would have imagined. I’ve been looking for a way to start talking to him. I went to the supermarket very early without the mask and waited for him outside. Employees enter 40 minutes before opening to the public and there were no customers. I called him from afar, he recognized me immediately, I told him that I had to do the shopping but I didn’t have a mask, he replied telling me : “Wait there, I’ll find one for you.” After 5 minutes he came back with a packet and a 5 euro receipt, I gave him the 5 euro, which he had paid in advance for me, and I put on the mask. I thanked him very cordially! Then I went in to do the shopping and when, during my shopping, I went to him we had a few minutes of conversation because nobody was there, then I went to get him a sandwich and a drink and I put everything in a paper bag, I went back to him (my legs were shaking!) and I gave him the bag saying “Thanks!” He seemed puzzled but looked inside the little bag, then looked at me as if to say: “But there was really no need of such a thing!” I thanked him again and then I left. 

With gimmicks of this kind, slowly a minimum of relationship has been created. He had said once that he had no car, and one day when there was a bad storm in the evening, I stopped by the supermarket waiting for him. At the exit time, when I saw him I called him, as if I were passing there by chance, he got into my car, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, I said to him: “Where can I accompany you? Because it pours.” and he said, “I have to go to my girlfriend, but it’s far!” For me, that word was like a stab, but now I couldn’t back down. Meanwhile we exchange cell phone numbers, then he calls his girlfriend, tells her that he is in the car with a friend (me), they talk for a few minutes but I can’t understand the real meaning of what they are saying and in the end he tells her to wait for us at the building door in 10 minutes. I stop under the girl’s house and the girl gets into the car too, she is not only a beautiful girl but also very intelligent and it’s evident that there is a very strong understanding between them. Paul asks me to accompany him and the girl to his house, and tells me where, I drive almost mechanically, I have the impression of having thrown myself into a story that doesn’t fit to me at all, in short, of having thrown myself into another of my troubles. 

Once there, Paul tells me: “Park and come with us!” I say that I don’t want to disturb and that I prefer to go away, but he says to me: “Look, there is someone who wants to meet you!” I feel strange and ask: “And who is he?” and he replies: “My brother!” and adds a phrase that is to me like another stab: “I have a gay brother!” I try to disengage myself, but while I’m putting together all my speech, the brother (I will call him Mauro) comes down the street and invites me to go up. I was having a heart attack. He was a beautiful guy, even better than his brother, a guy really sunny and I knew he was gay and he wanted to meet me. We go up to the house all four, Mauro had prepared four sandwiches and drinks, we eat and drink, then Mauro says to his brother and his girl: “We go away so you can be more comfortable!” 

Mauro explains to me that his brother had told him about all my maneuvers to approach him, Mauro had understood on the fly that there was something underneath and for that he was curious to know me. Mauro was 25 years old, one less than his brother, he was a beautiful guy, ok , but I really didn’t want to delude myself about anything. Looking at him the first time, I had thought: “A guy like this one must have already had his experiences!” And instead he had never had a guy, but that’s not enough, at 25 he was already a graduate and worked. In short, Project, after a couple of months in which we basically studied each other remotely, Mauro became my boyfriend and Paul and his girlfriend became my best friends. Mauro also has a nice character, he never leaves me to myself, he understands what I think, he’s strong, I’m not afraid that our story will end, he also sees things in a way not far from mine. With him I feel good from all points of view, I can say that I have rediscovered the pleasure of being gay. I will soon be 33 years old and it almost doesn’t seem possible to me that things have changed so radically and instead it happened!

A strong hug. If you want to publish the emails, do it freely.

Alby87

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If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-story-of-a-gay-guy-aged-20-to-32

GAY ESCAPADES

Hi Project,
I read your last posts in the forum and I was impressed by the speeches on monogamy, because it’s the first time that I read something about this subject that corresponds with my experience. I’ll try to explain better why. I’m growing up! I’m 34 years old and I begin to understand how gay love works. Of course without generalizing too much, however I begin to understand a little better the way through which many gay guys relate to me.

Unfortunately, they like me at first sight, that is, they see me and hit the ground running, it has always been like that, now maybe a little less. They follow me, they woo me, they have a strong interest in me, or rather they have a huge interest in having sex with me, to the point that if I say no, they feel really bad.

I don’t know what I do to men but for them I’m the object of desires, obviously they don’t evaluate the person I’m, because they fall crazily in love with me at first sight, without even having the time to know me a little.

And I’m not a so beautiful guy, I consider myself normal, I see many guys who look much better than me, really many. For a few years or more than a few years, I played with this thing, I knew that I had a power over men, or at least on a certain category of men, that is, on those who are a little depressed, a little cursed, tormented, very humoral, which are precisely the ones I like best and, I would add, that in general they are also very beautiful guys.

A few years ago I had come to discover a principle about this sort of falling in love. I told myself that they were in love as long as I didn’t give up, because at that time I tended not to give the guys much confidence.

Then when I started saying yes to someone I had proof that the crush on me doesn’t pass easily, in fact usually it doesn’t pass at all, but there is one thing that I don’t like: the crush on me is practically only sexual and this makes me uncomfortable.

I can find guys to woo me quite easily, even when I have no intention of it and I don’t get rid of them easily, but they want to get from me one thing only. Honestly it’s not that I’m sorry that things go like this, in a way it’s comfortable, but it’s not enough for me, because these aren’t love stories.

When I go to bed with some of these guys I see them really taken by a kind of absurd frenzy that almost seems pathological to me because nothing like this has ever happened to me, sometimes the enthusiasm is so strong that the guy doesn’t even think about condoms and there I stop him and say to him: “I’m not crazy! I don’t want to risk getting HIV just for a fuck! ” However, the point is another: these guys are not looking for a guy but just for a fuck! Because in the end they have their boyfriends.

I don’t know if they tell their boyfriends that they go around courting me, I don’t think they tell them such sort of things, but they tell me that they have a boyfriend because they understand that I wouldn’t get away from them for this reason, and they tell me it because according to them in this way I can’t delude myself that they are in love with me. In a sense, “with me” they are honest.

At the beginning I used to think that these behaviors were a sign of something pathological, that is, I thought they were just uncontrollable physical outbursts and instead the more I go on the more I realize that this is not the case. They need two things: the first is to have a steady boyfriend, that is, a serious point of reference, which is fine for certain things, and the second is to have a lover with whom, even if there is no real emotional relationship, it is anyhow possible to let off steam. It is a bit like in the 1800s, one had a wife who was fine for certain things, then he had a lover and paid her with money and so he thought he was using her as a tool of pleasure only, but when he was with his lover he used to let himself go and not just sexually, and he used to tell his lover things he could never say to his wife.

In conclusion, I think that stable gay relationships, in many cases, are a bit like a golden prison from which many guys sooner or later tend to escape. The guys, from what I see, with the stable boyfriend have a relationship that is also sexual, but up to a certain point, that is, there are still taboos, which for example don’t exist at all with me. With me they talk about their sexual problems, they want to know what I think of their way of having sex, they compare with me, they take me as a yardstick and I think they do it to have a way to evaluate from the outside their relationship with their stable boyfriend.

The fact that they often tell me and repeat that they have a stable boyfriend, in my opinion, means that they are also afraid of falling in love with me because this would undermine their relationship with the stable boyfriend, that’s why they insist on telling me that they have sex with me only for sex, but this thing is so repeated that it ends up being the classic excusatio non petita (unrequired justification).

Why do they come to tell me and remind me of it every time? This means that they have a dirty conscience, that is that they actually keep me at bay and are afraid of me, but not because I could fall in love with them but because they could fall in love with me! Because they would like both me and their stable boyfriend, but this puts them in crisis and forces them to lie, because in their world having a stable boyfriend is a bit like getting married and marriage must be monogamous.

Let me be clear, in the fact that they want both me and their stable boyfriend, I don’t see anything wrong, but they instead consider it almost a betrayal, even if they do it anyway! For them, keeping one foot in two shoes is a problem, because they say to me that they have a stable boyfriend, while with the stable boyfriend they are careful not to talk about me.

This is a bit what I don’t like about these guys, I don’t like their fake respectability, their way of not saying things as they are because they are afraid of losing the stable boyfriend, because you must keep in mind that having a stable boyfriend is a social status, with the stable boyfriend they go out with friends while they are afraid of being seen on the street with me.

I can satisfy their needs only at home, or better in bed, this is my role, they would never introduce me to their friends, because friends belong to another sphere. I’m part of the sex area, not of the social relations area. They treat me a bit like 19th century men used to treat their lovers.

I don’t mind being with these guys, they also have a kind of loyalty towards me, even if, clearly, they are ashamed of me or better of themselves. Of course I wouldn’t want to be in the shoes of their stable boyfriends! In short, I’m the dark side of their life, the one who must remain hidden in order not to ruin the really important things.

They think that I suffer from this situation but I’m fine, I don’t want a stable boyfriend, to end up like their stable boyfriends. I love the guys who woo me, they make me tenderness but I absolutely don’t see them in the role of a boyfriend, I know that sooner or later they will leave, perhaps

because they are in love with their boyfriend or because maintaining a relationship with me would become too complicated, maybe it can be done when there is no coexistence with the stable boyfriend, but when they live together, escapades are no longer practicable. I’m the escapade! And I smile while saying it! But even escapes have their own meaning.

I hug you, Project! Keep doing what you do!
Obviously you can use the email as you want.

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If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-escapades

GAY SEX AS A PLAY

In this post I will try to address a topic that I consider particularly important, namely gay sex as a play.

I start from a clarification. The word “play” takes on the most varied meanings, from the most negative ones, such as in “Minors are not allowed to play”, where  “play” sounds quite similar to “gamble” to those more neutral and related to child’s play. “Playing”, in the sense that I intend to give here to this word, must be something absolutely spontaneous and must have no purpose other than the play itself and the interpersonal contacts it creates or promotes. In other words, playing in order to feel free doesn’t mean getting involved in a sort of comedy that must follow and interpret a script already written, and even lesser playing is a way to compare yourself with others in order to get a prize. The Play is improvisation. In the real play between adults, as in the game between children, everything is improvisation and spontaneity. The play is liberating. The child who stands on the sidelines, and doesn’t feel involved in the play is a child who is afraid, who feels restrained or, worse, he is a depressed child.

Play has a lot in common with true sexuality, that is, with unplanned and non-imitative sexuality. Living sex means first of all feeling absolutely at ease with your partner, because sexuality can only be lived well in a condition of authentic disinhibition, that is, when you are yourself and you see a deep correspondence from your partner.

A guy in a chat told me: “But sex is repetitive, it’s always the same thing!” This statement is the most typical sign of the sexual dissatisfaction. When you live sexuality well, sex is not repetitive at all precisely because it takes over the dimension of play, of laughing, of joking, of not taking yourself too seriously. There is nothing more beautiful in a sexual contact than seeing the spontaneity and involvement of one’s partner and realizing that he feels totally at ease.

Sex is never a duty to be carried out with the utmost commitment or worse an exam to be passed, it has no rules and no script to follow, if it acquires the characteristics of duty or examination, instead of being relaxing, it ends up creating discomfort and promoting performance anxiety. The play consists precisely in moving away from the script and in creating always different situations, the game borders on rice and rice favors disinhibition and allows you to send even very serious messages, without underlining them the too much, and when two partners are really close, messages sent in this soft way don’t fall into thin air at all. Playing, in sexuality, is a very useful means of spreading the message that sex is an ordinary dimension of life and must be lived lightly.

Sex is not transgression but freedom, the two terms manifest two different attitudes: those who live sex as transgression cannot feel truly free and don’t live sex as part of ordinary life but as an exception and a rebellion against an oppressive rule. Freedom doesn’t consist in breaking the rules but in not feeling bound by any rule beyond one’s moral rule. Play is freedom and sex too is freedom, if you lives it freely, it is a manifestation of interest, respect, affection, attention to the other. Playing and living sexuality means sharing and listening. Making love is a way of expressing yourself, of communicating, of not being afraid of being who you are and of showing yourself for what you are.

In sex, body language takes on a special value that sometimes goes far beyond words: a hug, a smile, a gesture of complicity, an exchange of glances, a wink at the right time convey messages of reassuring and encouragement such as: “I’m happy to be with you!” or “Don’t be afraid of me!”

Often playing, in the sexual dimension, takes on a particular aspect, that consists in not doing what the partner expects, in order to confuse him a bit, and to end up dissolving the beginning anxiety with a smile, as if to say: “I’m kidding you! ” Often sexual play takes the form of an unexpected but never inappropriate intimate gesture. The game is always a call to move away from the script and to feel free. If my partner jokes with me while we are in sexual intimacy this means that he really feels comfortable and that he is not afraid of my reactions.

In order to live sexuality in a truly gratifying way, only two conditions are needed: knowing each other thoroughly and maintaining a level of substantial equality between the partners. To live sexuality well you have to overcome the individual dimension to start thinking as a member of a couple, even if it is a couple with very limited time limits. In a couple that works, as in a free play that works, there are no leaders and there are no followers because the relationship must be equal: the choices must be made in two, they must be shared, because only in this way every forcing, that is a manifestation of disaffection, can be avoided.

If sex is the only moment of encounter between the two partners, it ends up to be identified with the true purpose of the relationship, the means (sex) becomes the goal and the person of the partner assumes only an instrumental role: if you prefer to have sex more than love the person, you neglect the deeper meaning of sexuality, that is, its communicative value.

True sexuality can’t be designed, because it is spontaneous, the expectations that lead us to imagine in the partner the perfect crowning of our fantasies are generally the antechamber of disappointments, exactly like, in the play, the expectation that the other has only the role of playing our game, while the other is a person hose dignity is equal to ours. The profound knowledge of the other reduces all expectations to one, that is, to the desire to be able to share one’s sexual intimacy with the partner, in the way in which it will be possible to do so, it being understood that the way must be an expression of couple’s freedom and never the imposition of a single partner, that is, it must be shared.

During sexual contacts complex or problematic aspects of partner sexuality can emerge which we easily notice but we don’t realize equally easily that, in a perfectly symmetrical way, also complex or problematic aspects of our sexuality, of which we often are not conscious, become clear to our partner. The playful dimension of sexuality avoids that taking note of the other’s problems opens the door to a possible refusal of the other, precisely because play dilutes, loosens, distracts from too specific aspects and creates an atmosphere of pleasantness and mutual complicity that defuses the possible conflicts about to burst.

Sex is often loaded with meanings that doesn’t belong to it, and sometimes having sex becomes the sign of an adult and fully realized life, and therefore not having sex becomes the stigma of a loser, this way sex can become a true social status that seems to create a hierarchy between individuals, when this it happens, sex loses the connotation of simplicity and spontaneity that is proper to it and becomes an instrument to achieve different goals.

Just as all individuals are different from each other in genetic characteristics, physical constitution and psychological attitude, so they are different from each other also in the way of conceiving and living sexuality. Two guys, however similar they may be, will have anyway two different ways of conceiving and living sexuality, which means that even within the most close-knit couple there will always be a need for a mediation to find a balance between two sexualities anyway different. This mediation can be achieved through dialogue but can be achieved in a much less formal way with play, which can also take on spontaneously an exploratory value of the possible horizons of couple sexuality. The exploratory play allows you to take a step back when necessary and to communicate your wishes to the partner, avoiding the verbalization that on certain contents sometimes creates embarrassment even in the most close-knit couples.

The playful attitude allows, when necessary, to say no to one’s partner without that assuming the characteristics of a possible refusal of the person. Demands and rejections, if they are real demands and real rejections, are signs of a relationship in crisis.

The playful attitude often allows you to overcome the moments of embarrassment related, for example, to the difficulty of maintaining an erection for a long time or of reaching orgasm, or related to problems of premature ejaculation.

The playful attitude helps to put aside expectations of perfect reciprocity which are sometimes unrealistic and which in themselves should not undermine the basic relationship between two people, although sometimes the expectation of perfect reciprocity seems to produce just this effect. Play helps not to emphasize the problems, which on a sexual level may very well exist but which must not be underlined but accepted in the knowledge that not every day is the same and that loving a guy means loving him and not forcing him to be our photocopy.

Loving a guy means above all loving his freedom. When during the play a child wants to redefine the rules of the game in order to limit the freedom of his partner, the game automatically loses interest for the partner because it is no longer free and creative.

Very often, in consolidated couple relationships, emotional security is sought by imposing rules, but doing so destroys the spontaneity that underlies sexuality. Often one doesn’t have sex out of love, but out of habit, to pass the time or simply because one has nothing better to do, just like when one decides to play cards or chess to deceive boredom. It is obvious that in such situations, relationships wear out and sex becomes institutionalized almost as a contractual performance. When it comes to these levels, recovering the situation is very difficult and sometimes it is even more difficult to resolve the situation by interrupting a well-worn relationship, kept alive only by formal obligations.

When a sexual contact has been truly satisfying, one tends to manifest to his partner the sense of gratification that has been felt and at this point misunderstandings can arise, and in fact arise.

If, addressing your partner after sex, you say: “You were very good!” and the like, you probably think you were very polite because usually such expressions  are seen by those who use them as a compliment but are often assimilated by those who receive that “compliment” to the classic ritual compliment that the client addresses to an escort at the end of his sexual performance. It makes more sense to simply say, “I love you!” which means that I love you as a man, as a person, for your dignity and your way of being not only for your sexual performance.

I would like to warn  those who read me against an attitude, characteristic of sexuality aimed only at performance, that can cause bewilderment and disappointment. Sometimes it happens that at the end of a sexual intercourse, the one of the two partners, who has been at the home of the other, gets dressed and goes out closing the door and saying only. “See you!” There is no need to clarify why such an attitude can be experienced as unpleasant. Similarly unpleasant is the invitation to dinner before a night of sex, which has all the characteristics of an attempt at seduction, much more appropriate and pleasant is to go and have a pizza together after sex, or to have breakfast together the next morning, because this underlines that the purpose is the person and not the evening of sex and frames sex in a dimension of ordinary normality.

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If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-sex-as-a-play

GAY LOVE AND OTHER INTERESTS

Hi Project,

I have read your forum far and wide and now I would like to let off steam with you on a thorny issue, in my opinion much more thorny than the issues related only to sex, betrayals and so on. You often talk about gay love as something completely detached from everything else, but unfortunately gay love (and for the straight one is absolutely the same) doesn’t come from a sterile and uncontaminated environment, but comes from the brains of people who have thousand other things on their minds, and they have a thousand other mental habits, from which they certainly don’t detach themselves when they fall in love, if they really fall in love. I mean that, sadly, gay stories are tainted by other interests, which sometimes don’t even reach the level of consciousness.
 
I don’t mean that guys pretend to fall in love realizing that their falling in love, beyond appearances, has a thousand other reasons, or at least is conditioned by a thousand other reasons. You fall in love but taking with you all your mental vices. And note well, I’m not talking about sex-related things at all. We often fall in love mixing our falling in love with the idea of finding a “comfortable accommodation”, of having something to gain either in explicitly economic terms or more often in terms of benefits related to coexistence, such as reducing subsistence expenses and those for the home, or even to have assistance in case of need or illness, especially if one begins to move forward with the years.
 
Furthermore, if one of the two partners has a job and the other doesn’t, the situation becomes tragic and the interests directly or indirectly linked with economic sphere become absolutely preponderant, even if no one talks about it. In summary, I think that often, unfortunately, affectivity and sex are by no means the central element of a relationship. Now I come to clarify the reason where all this talk comes from.
 
I’m over 40 and in my life I had only two important stories, the first one with a guy 15 years younger than me, that I mistreated because he seemed to me almost dependent on sex, I say almost because it was not really a pathological thing, let’s say trat his propensity for sex  was excessive for me. Then, after four years I broke the story with him and at the moment it seemed like a liberation, and I started a story with a man four years older than me.
 
I felt better with my new partner, in practice I felt at the same level, but a thousand other things emerged with him that slowly put the relationship in crisis. My current partner works, earns well, I mean much more than me, but has forms of avarice that irritate me. He doesn’t want to change his car because he says it is still very good, however, when he has to go out for work, he uses mine which is almost new and makes trips of 200-250 kilometers a day, but not only, he never refuels with petrol, I always have to do it, now he also takes it for granted that my car is somehow also his.
 
You will tell me that a car is only a car, but it doesn’t do it only with the car but also with the smartphone. But that’s not enough: we’ve been living together for almost three years now, at my house, and he has never thought about contributing to expenses or going buy foods to the supermarket for both of us with his money. Mentally he reduced me not only to the role of paying bills, gasoline and various expenses, but also to the role of butler and cook, because he does nothing at all at home.
 
Days ago I started thinking about my first boyfriend and many episodes of which at the time I didn’t even understand the meaning. At the beginning he did only precarious jobs and sometimes very heavy ones. I once thought to give him a smartphone as a present, I made a nice little package and gave it to him and I was surprised by his reaction, because he didn’t even open the package, he put it back in my hand and said: “No! This is not good for me … “At the moment I felt offended by this behavior and then I forgot about it. He never wanted to be accompanied anywhere by car.
 
Once, he came to my house and found a terrible confusion, he began to collect all the scattered things around and then he started washing the dishes and only allowed me to dry them. He never wanted to come and stay with me at my house when he wasn’t working yet and I didn’t understand why, then he found a permanent job and asked me if the proposal to live together was still valid, I said yes and he moved to my house and thenceforth  he started do pay “always” a half of the bills and half of the shopping, he used to do it with an accuracy and a pride that somehow bothered me but that had a profound meaning, he didn’t like at all to feel like one who takes advantage of the situation not even at a minimum level. He used to cook very often and was very careful to keep everything in order.
 
Since he had to go to work very early, he also used to get up very early and showered first. When I entered the bathroom, everything was perfectly dry and shiny, the window was open and the room was well ventilated. With my last partner, it is exactly the opposite, he goes out with wet thongs and splash with dirty water the whole house, he leaves the bathroom like a lake because he knows that there is someone who has to think about it.
 
Perhaps my first boyfriend will also have had a fixation on sex, and in any case he didn’t put me in crisis because of this, but he had a dignity, that is he was interested in me, for sex, certainly, but also because he loved me, not because he needed a car or because while living with me he could live at my expense. A couple of days ago we met again and I was struck by his way of doing things: he was happy to see me! And honestly me too.
 
We talked for three hours, then I asked him if he had a partner, he said no and I told him that I had thought a lot about him and that I understood how unique he was and that I thought I would like to get back with him but now I had my new partner who was living with me. He asked me: “Are you in love with him?” and I replied. “Now not anymore.
 
Now I understand many other aspects of his nature that I don’t like at all, but there is the problem that he has lived in my house for three years and he considers it his home, and convincing him to leave will not be easy …” He told me: “Are you waiting for him to leave spontaneously? You can take it for granted, he will never do it!” We talked about how I could get rid of my partner, first of all I would have to find the courage to talk to him hoping that he won’t make too many stories.
 
Then he said something I didn’t expect: “When you want, when he’s out, we take all your things away and you come and stay at my house, it’s a very little house, but it’s mine. Then if he makes a lot of stories, change the lock and take his things to a deposit and if he wants, he can go and get them there. All this seems to me really difficult to put into practice but I have to regain my freedom, I absolutely must succeed. Thinking that I was so stupid as to be enslaved by the guy who should have been my ideal partner makes me feel really bad.
 
Project, this is the point where I’m now, my house is occupied by my (ex-)companion that now I can no longer stand. Cohabitation is not a dream and can become a nightmare. Except in exceptional cases, I strongly advise young people to put aside the idea of living with their partner, unless he is a person with real dignity.
 
Thanks for listening, Project. If you put this email on the forum I would be happy if he reads it! Obviously do what you think best.
S. G.

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If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-love-and-other-interests

FREE GAY LOVE

Hi Project,

I read a lot of posts in your forum, there are really good stories and I really appreciate that you have no preconceptions about gay love, you are not propagandizing the monogamous gay couple as the only possible model of true love and you give sex an important meaning but don’t identify it with gay love. 

My story is very similar to many others that I have read in the forum, and this has helped me a lot because I feel less alone and less strange. I fell in love so many years ago for the first time with a guy who has been somehow the living center of my life for the past 10 years. 

We don’t live together, we meet in person rather rarely, we have two completely or almost completely separate circles of friends, each of us lives his own life and his own stories and nevertheless we never lost sight of each other. The years have passed and we are no longer young, but now we are a point of reference the one for the other. 

There is affection between us, not really the passion of two lovers, but the loving of two true friends, there is also a little sex, at long intervals, especially when things go wrong for me or for  him, it’s a way of telling each other that we are there and that at least our relationship will not fade out. There is no mutual jealousy, when he finds another guy, I’m happy with it and, strange as it may seem, I say it seriously, but until now he has never found a guy who is truly capable of understanding him. 

He is often in crisis, tends to devalue himself and nevertheless I have never known a guy better than him, I don’t say from my personal point of view but objectively. He is serious, non-invasive, non-vindictive, with me he’s very patient and understands what I think without words, he claims to be neurotic, aggressive, prevaricating, but these things are the exact opposite of his way of being and I don’t get to understand why he thinks such things. He says that he exploits me and that he seeks me only because there has always been a very strong sexual attraction between us. If it’s true that there has always been a very strong mutual sexual feeling, it’s also true that this didn’t prevent him or me from having other stories that seemed more attractive than our, but in the end they were not at all. 

We thought several times that our relationship was somehow wrong, that it was conditioning for many other things and we tried two or three times to interrupt it but then we ended up finding ourselves together and we understood that this bond, which seems so weak, basically has its internal consistency. I know that he doesn’t judge me and that he cares a lot about what I think of him, and such things on the other hand are mutual. He’s always afraid that people will judge him badly, will think him cynical, indifferent, provocative, capable of doing very bad things, but he has his friends and they are stable friends and, from what he tells me, they trust him. 

What upsets me most about him is his way of making love. I too have had my experiences and not really very few but I have never found a guy like him. Many times sex was something that could be done and therefore had to be done even if neither partner was really interested in it, it was never like that with him, sex was never a banality, both for him and for me it was basically a way of feeling accepted, of knowing and proving that at least there is someone who wants you as you are, who doesn’t want to lead you to some particular choice, who doesn’t judge you and who loves you. It’s another way of experiencing affectivity and sex.  

As for me, would I live with him? I think so, but I never came out with my parents and therefore in concrete it cannot happen and all in all, if it happened we would both lose our freedom and eventually our relationship would become a very standard thing as it happens in many couples. We love each other even if or maybe exactly because we are not a couple. When I haven’t heard from him for a long time I miss him but I avoid calling him. Today, after we met, he said to me in greeting me, “Call me!” and this touched me a lot because it means that when I don’t call him he feels that he’s missing something. 

I don’t know what our relationship means but I’m glad he’s there, he understands me, he respects me, he loves me and when I think of him a smile of tenderness comes to my lips. He says that the others don’t understand him, that they tell him that he is strange, that he has no grit, no self-esteem, that he is always on the verge of giving up, that he doesn’t strive to get what he wants, but it seems to me the exact opposite. Either he behaves in a way with me and in a completely different way with others, but frankly I don’t believe it, or there are people who are not in the least able to understand what they are despising. 

He has never been miser in human relationships he has never made the account of giving and having, how can one not love a man like this? I believe that meeting  him was a fundamental event in my life, I met many guys but I never managed to build a deep bond with any of them, not even when we used to meet every day. There were always a thousand misunderstandings, a thousand equivocations. It has never been like this with him, sometimes I’m sorry to see that he doesn’t understand how important he is (but perhaps he understands it!) and how much weight he gives to judgments made by people who don’t know him at all. Today we talked a lot about his last guy: he had no real dialogue with that guy, that guy didn’t listen to him, that’s why he felt hurt and very deeply uncomfortable. 

My fear is sometimes that my presence may condition him and prevent him from living his true life, that’s why sometimes I try to keep him at a distance and to thin out our meetings, but he doesn’t allow me it because he knows me deeply, and knows what I really want. When our story began, I didn’t believe at all that I would have accepted to be with him in a relationship like the one that then came out. I wanted a guy of my own, because I was unable to imagine a way of loving outside of a bond more or less like a marriage: monogamy, absolute loyalty, coexistence, declaring oneself in front of parents to make a big family all together, at that time this was my way of reasoning. 

But my coming out with the parents “fortunately” remained in the limbo of good intentions, because I understood that they would have taken it very badly anyway, and so the first pillar of my dream castle collapsed, then gradually the others too collapsed, without those pillars, according to my thought at the time, love would never have existed, but instead slowly I realized that my love story (because I consider it so) contradicted all the criteria that I initially had taken for granted, first of all it was born from a story of sex, that is, from a situation in which I would never have thought that something good could come out, even if it is true that between us there has never been only sex, there has never been mutual exploitation, we were afraid of feelings, we both considered them as traps and therefore we put everything openly in sexual terms. 

We continued to love each other without any constraint and without any imposition, even when we lived our external stories, this is also something that I never would have thought possible before and instead it was just like that. Practically, one after the other, all those rules that had seemed to me essential to found a love story collapsed, but the more pillars collapsed the more I realized that the vault was not collapsing at all and that it had the strength to support itself, I practically discovered unconditional love. It took me time to understand that it was really love, because we never use this word between us, just to not get caged in words. 

Our relationship has grown over the years, it has not been an a priori choice or a bet on the future, it has strengthened coming out unscathed from many difficulties and becoming  and more and more deep-rooted. One thing, if I think about it, has always struck me: we have never quarreled, there have been sometimes mildly aggressive manifestations but in no case did we ended up putting our relationship into crisis. 

I don’t know what will happen to us in the future. Slowly we are becoming aware that sex is more a pretext than the substance of our relationship. I often hear many guys who speak badly of those who have relationships like our, who consider them depraved, who speak of open couple as of something that allows you to do very freely whatever you want with sex while pretending to be with someone at the same time, but these are completely false models, we love each other, of this I have no doubts, he’s not a superficial guy who doesn’t understand what he he’s doing, I trust him, he’s not at all a fool or a naive and then there is another thing that has always happened spontaneously between us: there are no secrets between us. It is something more unique than rare, we mutually recognize each other’s maximum freedom but we know all about each other and nothing ever vaguely similar has happened to me in other stories where the unspoken was a very common thing. 

He knows that we are somehow together but not because we have deluded each other, but because we have chosen each other as we are, including our small and large flaws and weaknesses. I often wonder why people don’t believe in this kind of love, why they need rules, that they then end up transgressing anyway. We don’t have rules, however, we love each other, from the outside it all seems pathological, I realize it, but we really love each other and we don’t need rules and models of behavior. I don’t know what I’m, he is an intelligent and honest man. We wait for the future without asking too many questions but now our present is beautiful for us because we have our certainties. When we embrace I feel that he’s there and I see that when he’s with me he’s serene, that the ghosts he carries inside himself go away and that he feels loved. Before, this expression seemed too much pretentious to me, but now I think it’s simply the truth, because I feel loved too.

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If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-free-gay-love