Hi Project,

I found your site by chance and I’m spending there my nights, in practice it is the only gay site that says true things about the life of gay guys and I must say that I find myself perfectly at ease there, in several posts is as if read what I think and what I feel. I send you this mail because I feel a bit “disgusted” (I have to use this word) by the behaviors of so many gays I met so that entering your site makes me feel better. Thanks, I really needed it! I would like to know what you think of my story (publish it if you want) and maybe I’d like to meet you on msn. I thank you in advance. But let’s get to the facts.

I am 23 years old guy and, I don’t know whether to say for my luck or for my bad luck, I am a nice guy, I see myself just like a normal guy but the others (men and women) tell me that I’m beautiful and, what is worst, they fall in love with me easily, which, you can understand, puts me tremendously embarrassed. In practice when I was 16 years old, a girl who everyone considered beautiful and who was really (one of my classmates) started to court me, and I stupidly, as if it were a game, put myself with this girl and there for the first time I tried on the straight side what it means to be the object of sexual attention without experiencing the same for the other person.

At first I didn’t understand what was happening, it seemed only a serious friendship, with her I talked about everything except my sexual desires that were in a completely different direction (I’ve always been gay and I’ve never had any doubts about this), then she began to bother me, to touch me, first in a generic way and I pretended to laugh about it, but then in a more and more insinuating and clearly sexual way and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I told her I was not in love with her and I thought she understood, but it didn’t happen, she kept calling me every five minutes on the phone, she was sticking to me on msn and I didn’t know how to close the conversations, then she wanted to understand, she wanted to know, in short, she was really in love but I wasn’t.

She made hysterical scenes, cries, despair, because the accounts didn’t come back, she saw that I had no other girl and began to ask specific questions, for me it was a torment because I had to see her at school every day, in short this story has been going on for a year, then she found another guy and apparently the thing was over but she wanted to continue being at least my friend but I didn’t want to know of such things.

I’m very shy with guys, almost wimp, worse than ever with those I like. So, in practice, I was always in the middle of the girls, at the beginning of the fifth class I started a new story with another girl, and it seemed to be on the same road as the first, but now I knew what to expect and I literally burned her badly right away, at least she didn’t ask questions and then she was not a schoolmate of mine. At the time I felt very lonely, I had no friends and I had a desperate desire to talk to someone and here I made the biggest mistake of my life.

There was a girl who had a boyfriend and didn’t run after me and who seemed a very serious person, slowly a beautiful atmosphere has been created, we talked a lot, she talked to me about her romantic problems and I told her that I was always lonely and melancholy, then I told her the story of my two girls (let’s call them so) but in a straight version, and then one day after another I ended up believing that there could be a sincere talk with her. After many hesitations I told her I was gay. I felt free, on the seventh heaven because she had taken it very well, she called me even more often than before, a bit she had taken me under her wing and I was pleased.

Then one day she tells me that I was wrong to be alone and I should have found a guy and she proposes to go with her to a gay club for an evening, just to see what the environment is. What seemed to me an overwhelming news, in short I accepted and we went there, when I arrived at the appointment with her I saw that there were also two guys, one was her boyfriend but I didn’t know the other. It was obvious that those two guys knew about me. The embarrassment was terrible because I never thought she could talk to others about my business and at that moment I hated her.

The guy I didn’t know was a 24-year-old gay guy, James (let’s call him so), a guy not bad to see. I swallowed the frog just because James was a nice guy and we even exchanged cell phone numbers. We went the bar, I would have hidden under a brick, James was absolutely at ease, in short, the discomfort was such that I said I had to get away just for a moment and I left leaving them three in the bar, after a little they called me on the cell phone, my friend he was angry with me because I had abandoned them that way, James tried to do the cute guy to make me go back but I didn’t have the slightest intention.

From here started the story with James whom I liked only physically, and a lot, so much that in practice immediately he became the object of my sexual fantasies but I didn’t like him at all as a person. He was not a bad guy, but he had a mentality that I didn’t feel mine from any point of view. On one side I rejected him and for the other I wanted him and he understood it. He went after me in an asphyxiating way but with him it was not like with the girls, in some way I depended on him on a sexual level and I felt it very strong: I wanted him, I got excited when I heard his voice on the phone, I imagined talking to him and I tried to prepare in advance what I had to say.

I have also made of those days a minute-by-minute diary, which, to reread it now, makes me a strange effect, but then I was really in love with James. On the other hand I knew that I couldn’t expect anything good from him and I confirmed it every day, I was pampered a bit in words but, with the passage of time, always for a kind of bet with himself more than for a maybe even sexual interest towards me. I had more than once the clear feeling that in any case he only wanted me on a physical level, when he was talking to me he was playing or pretending and I always had the feeling that he didn’t really take me seriously.

With the strength of despair I tried to detach myself in every way, but I was very bad, in short, it lasted months and months of anguish and of being sick like a dog, then I saw him in a public garden while he was necking with another guy in a very explicit way for what can be done in a public garden. I thought this meant that the story with me would end, but it didn’t. He kept calling me as before, and sending me text messages like St. Valentin’s ones that really bothered me, let’s say he continued to court me in a way that seemed to me very stupid and superficial.

I wanted to talk seriously with him but when I tried he changed the subject. However, he never told me anything about the guy I had seen in the garden, so that I began to think I was wrong, but after a while, when I began not to bear it anymore I asked him explicitly about that guy and I saw he had a moment of embarrassment, then he admitted that the guy was a just friend of his, but with a friend, you don’t do at all the things he was doing. Since then, my interest in James has practically collapsed, even though I often fantasized about him, I dreamed of him in my own way as he would never have been.

Meanwhile, I had sent to the hell my friend or presumed such who had presented him to me, but the gossip about me had gone around, now practically everyone who knew me knew about me. It was a very unpleasant feeling, I felt naked in front of the people who knew all my business. I didn’t know how to behave and I was afraid of everyone, because they could embarrass me. In less than a year I was the subject of very suspicious attention by three men 30/40 years old men I barely knew before by sight. They approached me as I used to with girls, they told me that I was beautiful and then slowly they also widened to a few half-proposals accompanied by compliments that seemed to me the typical compliments that are done to a bitch.

To all these things I tried to react with detachment but they bothered me a lot. There was only one person who impressed me positively, a gentleman married, more or less 50/55 years old, I had met when I was going to bring packages for a shipping agency. I had met him more than once and there was a minimum of sympathy. He was a married man, with children, at least in theory he was not gay and with me he had a behavior very different from that of others. One day I didn’t know where to bump my head I met him by chance and I talked to him rather freely and he was listening to me carefully, then he gave me a lot of advice on what to do. I don’t say I fell in love with this man because I didn’t like him physically, but he inspired me tenderness, I had the impression that he was doing his best to behave with me, I liked his way of being, he was dignified, he was in practice the only one of the men I knew who didn’t court me but is probably the only one I think I could fall in love with. I know that it may seem strange but it is so.

I always thought he was gay, he never told me, and I never asked him about it. After all, I think it would not have changed anything. The last time I saw him, after almost five months, he told me that his wife was dead and that he was going to live in another city with his son, and we didn’t meet anymore.

In the meantime I had started working with a permanent contract in the shipping agency. I think that neither my work colleagues nor the customers knew about me, but sometimes someone tried to court me, let’s say so, more or less every month or every two months I received some more or less explicit proposal. This was the period when I felt the greatest disgust of being gay, I felt wrong even as a gay, a guy out of place who still dreams of a life with a little dignity. I came to think that with one of these guys or maybe with a guy who had courted me on a chat at the end I would have had sex at least to see what effect it does to do such a thing with a stranger and I went very close to it, but just when I was about to let me go I happened on Gay Project.

I don’t know whether to say that things have changed for me, maybe it’s too much, but I read the forum far and wide and almost didn’t believe my eyes, real gay guys who discuss seriously and who have created a kind of world apart, but in the positive sense of the term, let’s say an uncontaminated world where they talk seriously about gay life. But reading the forum I didn’t find any story really similar to mine. I’d like to know if there are any guys who felt unwanted attentions from other guys or even adult men and how they reacted and even if there are guys who were disgusted by the mentality of other gay guys, just like it happened to me. I would like to find only serious friends with whom I can talk freely and Project made me realize that all this is possible.



If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-gay-guy-who-feels-like-a-toy-boy-both-with-guys-and-girls



To face the topic starting from a concrete basis and to invite all of you to say your opinion in order to enrich and complete the picture, I report here, with the permission of those involved, some traits of e-mails and some sections of a conversation in chat on the subject. Obviously the names are fictitious. Immediately after, you can read the text of the article GAY SEXUALITY AND HETERO AFFECTIVITY. I think it can somehow be the basis for a discussion, with all the reservations of the case.

Mail by Albert

[omissis] I grew up in a strange family, my parents think that homosexuality is a psychiatric illness that feminizes you, basically they don’t have the faintest idea of these things, a gay man, so to speak, normal in external behaviors, according to them , cannot even exist, that’s why they not only have never thought about the fact that I can be gay but they consider it radically impossible, because I don’t have anything of effeminate.

The absurd thing of my family is instead the fixed idea, of my mother in particular, that guys have always and only sexual fixed ideas on the girls, it could also be true, but for my mother the fact that her son can have sex with a girl before marriage is really inconceivable, is monstrous.

They think I have a girlfriend. When I talk about a colleague of the university, my mother surely assumes that I have for that girl some kind of sexual interest. Even now she tells me that I have to be careful and that “I don’t have to do stupid things! (sex)” But for her to do stupid things basically means just getting pregnant a girl.

Now she still behaves like that and thinks that I didn’t bring home a girl so as not to give my mother the opportunity to intervene to give me advice on an aspect of my life that she considers so important, always taking for granted that I can only be heterosexual. But when I was younger, 14/15/16 years old, my mother was heavily involved in my female friendships, she invited my female friends to my house and subjected them to a kind of scrutiny, it was something I could not stand. As for the guys, on the other hand, my parents never got involved in anything, they only warned me, but rarely, about those who talked too much about girls, because, according to my parents, they could take me on a bad road. In practice between the ages of 14 and 16 everything about the girls had to go to the scrutiny of my mother while male friends didn’t get involved.

At 14 I had a crush on a girl my schoolmate, that is, I better say I was very good with her but I didn’t feel sexually attracted even because I discovered the masturbation a year later, at 15, a bit late, I know. Anyway at the time of my first crush with a girl I can say that I felt it above all as a beautiful thing, I liked being with that girl even if I didn’t know how to give it an explanation. Then my mother understood what, according to her, was happening and she interfered heavily: “Who is she? Do you know her parents? Why you don’t invite her here at home?” etc. etc., in practice they made me hate her. She was a very pretty girl, but when she realized that I wanted or had to bring her to my house to let my parents know her, she absolutely didn’t want to hear reasons and she looked at me as if my way of doing was strange. Then such a thing it bothered me a lot because I thought I had done everything as it had to be done, that is, as my mother told me. Then I realized that I was perhaps succubus of my mother and that my so to say girlfriend had realized it.

Let’s say that after that I didn’t have any more fantasies about girls and my discovery of homosexuality took place. It happened in the summer when I turned 15, at the seaside. I was camping with my parents and with my sister. We stopped for almost a month in a camping and after a few days I could get to know other guys. I had met another guy who was 16 years old and my parents left me very free because I was with him and they trusted him. Actually he was a very good guy who seemed older than his age. I spent all day with him, from morning to late evening, I was fine, I felt comfortable, it made me feel older but he never talked about girls. He was modest to the incredible, a bit my opposite, I had no problem then to show me naked, perhaps because in the nudity I saw nothing sexual. For him I think it was exactly the opposite. I think it was just this that triggered the spring that made me enter the gay world. We took a bath and then we changed into a thicket near the beach. There I started to tease him because he never took off his swimsuit, he pretended not to hear and then I threw myself on him and ripped his swimsuit away by force, then he reacted and ripped away mine, then we did compare our equipment and he got an erection, I remember everything like it was now, he was red like a pepper, then began to masturbate and I imitated him, in practice I discovered masturbation like that. Then for a few days the thing went on great, so we masturbated each other, but then something happened that I didn’t like at all, he wanted to kiss me and I remember very well that I replied: “I’m not a fagot!” He pretended not to have heard and didn’t insist but our relationship changed radically, we continued to have sex but he was not at ease. After three days in this way we quarreled furiously and we also got into a fight. I realized that he was gay, even if he hadn’t told me it and I disliked very much being pampered by him, it almost made me sick, at least I told him so, even though I continued to masturbate in practice until now on the memory of what I had lived with him that summer. The point is this, I have never fallen in love with a guy. When I see a guy I like him, I would never be able to kiss him or be pampered by him. I read in the forum that many guys like these things even more than sex, but for me it is not so, I don’t see myself spending my life next to a guy, it seems to me an unnatural thing absolutely not mine.

In very recent times there was something important, I met a girl and for the first time I think I feel for her feelings, I like to stay close to her, to flood her of text messages and call her on the phone three or four times a day (I cannot more because we are hours on the phone), for me it’s just a pleasant company but there is a fact, for her I feel tenderness and a lot, but not really a sexual desire like what I feel for guys. Even if, after what happened at the camping beach, I no longer have had physical relationships with guys, I would like to explore the sexuality of a guy, it’s a kind of fixed idea, but for a girl I don’t feel the same things, I don’t know at all the sexuality of girls and I would feel a tremendous embarrassment if I had to have a sexual intercourse with a girl. I tried to masturbate thinking about that girl but it was just a forced thing, I came also to the ejaculation but just mechanically, in practice I didn’t feel any sexual transport. What I think is that I stopped in the middle of the ford, I don’t feel gay because I don’t fall in love with guys and I don’t feel heterosexual because girls sexually don’t tell me anything. I think that I could also stay with a girl but passively, that is, I would accept it but I would let her do everything, admitted and not granted that there can be results then. I feel strange, Project, in a great uncertainty, very unstable. In practice I don’t know what direction I have/want to give my life.

Chat with Nicola

Nicola writes: ok, now I go to the point, in short, I think I’m straight, you could ask me then why I’m here, if you give me some time I’ll explain, but I would like to start from the fact that I think I’m straight. “I think” it means that in practice I am convinced or almost convinced of it. So, I’ve always had girlfriends since I was little, at 16 I had my first real sexual intercourse with a girl, my first girlfriend.

I have had three girlfriends and with all of them I have had sexual intercourses and from that point of view things have always been all right, even auto-eroticism was all about girls. Now it’s almost a year since I’ve had my last girlfriend. Until recently, having sex with a girl was something missing, but now things are changing. I practice sports, I see a lot of naked guys every day but gay fantasies never went through my mind, this up to a month ago, then a strange thing happened, in the gym came a new guy who is 23 years old , I’m 24, and I began to fantasize about this guy, just on a sexual level, something that had never happened to me before. In the evening I lie down on the bed and I think of him, that is, I think of him and me in a sexual situation and it excites me a lot. In practice I don’t masturbate any more thinking about girls, or very little, while I’m fine even just staying in erection when I think of him without even needing to get to orgasm, it happens sometimes but it’s just thinking sexually of him that makes me feel good, I think that we are in the gym alone and we undress each other and then we masturbate each other, rarely I fantasize of oral sex. I tell you, Project, I never imagined I could think of a guy in these terms.

Project writes: but did you spoke with this guy?

Nicola writes: spoken in the serious sense of the term no, because I’m afraid, in fact I have almost the certainty that he is straight, it seems so strange that it’s me to write something like that, I think that in practice my interest in him is only sexual, I don’t know, but I have this impression.

Project writes: if this guy corresponded to you, that is if he was interested in talking to you, how would you react?

Nicola writes: I would be very happy but I think it’s an impossible thing and then look, I think of him just in terms of sex, this is true, even if hetero fantasies are not 100% finished, but I also think that I would like to embrace him, maybe fall asleep next to him, but to create something emotional two persons are needed and I’m alone and that’s why I settle for a bit of sex. If I imagine a couple relationship with him, I think of it more or less like what happens with a girl, sex, all right, it’s another thing, but I think the affection would be more or less the same, but I don’t know because I’ve never tried and then I think that if I happen to meet a girl who falls in love with me at the end I would always be straight, maybe straight with some gay fantasy but essentially straight. And then with a guy how would I do? My parents would kill me, they always saw me 100% straight and in fact I still think it’s more or less like that. For them the word gay is like saying depraved. Frankly I have never felt homophobic like my parents, I had never felt gay until a month ago and I don’t even feel now, even if I feel something strange but I’m not afraid of these things, if I find out I’m gay it’s okay, what I don’t like is uncertainty and still I don’t think I’m really gay.

Mail of Federico

I read everything you wrote about the weight of affectivity in the relationship between two guys, frankly it is very nice even if I don’t know how realistic it can be. That is, let’s understand, I speak from my point of view, that is from the point of view of a married 33-year-old man who is going into crisis because he has sexual fixed ideas for a 25-year-old known at work. I underline that I’m and I feel heterosexual, I love my wife and I also desire her sexually, but now it’s more than a year that there is this new fact and it’s something that destabilizes me a lot. I masturbate thinking of a guy. It’s crazy that a married man does these things and yet it happens. At first I felt guilty towards my wife, but now it doesn’t happen to me anymore, I live two parallel lives or better a life and a half, because my being gay is only halfway, there’s the sexual part, the rest doesn’t exist al all. I never considered my 25 year old like a guy I could fall in love with, it’s just that female sexuality is not enough anymore for me, I like it very much but in my horizon there is not only that, in fact I see my 25 year old a bit like a porn actor (he is a very serious guy! Indeed even too serious) that excites me.

Is all this pathological? At first I thought about it but now slowly I got to the point that if I masturbate thinking of him I don’t do anything wrong, he doesn’t know it and will never know it and also my wife will never know it. So where is the problem? What am I doing wrong? Anything! On the other hand, I would never abandon my wife, it doesn’t even pass through the antechamber of my brain that I could put myself with a man. I don’t know how such a thing can evolve over time, maybe in one year I will have abandoned my wife and I will have escaped with him, but it doesn’t seem to me even thinkable! And then, one like me what is he? Is he gay? But from what you say it doesn’t seem realistic. Is he bisex? Frankly I don’t believe it and I don’t feel like it. I think someone like me is straight even if he has some small interest in gay sex, and I only say sex, perhaps I had better to say only at the level of masturbation because I would never go with a man apart from the risk of aids, it’s not really something that seems possible to me. What do you think about Project?


It happens to me quite frequently, in interviews with the guys, to find myself faced with real forms of splitting between affectivity and sexuality. It is not uncommon for guys who experience sexual drives that are strongly or even exclusively oriented in a gay sense, to feel an affective attraction towards girls, for whom, however, they live forms of attenuated or strongly sublimated sexual interest. This phenomenon is found many times also in forum posts and is confirmed by the statistics on sexual orientation of Project Gay. 23.72% of the guys who took the test on sexual orientation of Project Gay (a sample of several hundred guys, but not representative of the general population and with high concentration of gays) claim to have a masturbation oriented exclusively in the gay sense, while only 15.22% claim to fall in love only with guys, but what amazes even more is that compared to a 11.68% of guys who claim to have a masturbation oriented exclusively in straight sense, 27, 26% claim to fall in love only with girls. From the statistics of sexual orientation by age we can deduce that in the same sample the percentage of gay masturbation varies little with age while the percentage of hetero masturbation tends to increase and, at the same time, bisexual masturbation decreases (with sometimes hetero and sometimes gay fantasies).

Sexuality becomes polarized with the years and tends to follow not the masturbatory gay tendency but the affective hetero one. I mean that a percentage of younger guys tend to experience hetero affectivity despite gay masturbation, for them the homosexual dimension has only strictly sexual contents while the affective ones are reserved entirely or almost entirely to girls. The sexuality of these guys tends to evolve over time, the heterosexual affective tendency slowly becomes sexualized and the tendency towards heterosexual masturbation increases. While hetero affectivity is also enriched with explicit sexual content, the gay orientation on the strictly sexual level tends to be recessive. This is the underlying reason for which, to consider gay a guy masturbation is indicative but doesn’t solve the problem definitively and it’s necessary to say that a guy is gay if he has both a gay masturbatory sexuality, and also a gay affectivity, that is, he falls in love with guys.

As if to talk of gay sexual orientation it’s necessary to find together an exclusive tendency to masturbation with gay fantasies and also an affective tendency equally exclusive to fall in love with guys, so to talk about real bisexuality it is necessary that a guy has a masturbation that contemplates both heterosexual fantasies and gay fantasies, even in different proportions, and that he falls in love with both boys and girls. I mean that in a defined sexual orientation, that is stable, gay or heterosexual or bisexual in different degrees, strictly sexual drives are always associated with the tendency to fall in love with the same persons for whom sexual drives are felt.

Bisexuality is not a phenomenon analogous to the dissociation between affectivity and sexuality. Basically, a hetero guy falls in love emotionally and sexually only with girls, a gay guy falls in love emotionally and sexually only with guys, a bisexual guy falls in love emotionally and sexually with both boys and girls. In these situations affectivity and sexuality interact in an organic way and tend to direct a guy in a global way, both affective and sexual, to other people.

The dissociation between affectivity and sexuality is not a form of bisexuality but is a completely different reality. I would like to underline that it’s not a matter of pathological phenomena but of normal realities that touch significant percentages of the population. As it also happens for homosexuality and for bisexuality, the dissociation between effectivity and sexuality can lead to states of suffering, sometimes very heavy, if the social environment is constrictive and adopts rigid sexuality models, but suffering doesn’t come from the split between affectivity and sexuality but precisely from the sexually repressive climate.

Statistically, the dissociation between affectivity and sexuality is a relevant phenomenon, as it’s evident from the Gay Project statistics. The discrepancy between orientation of masturbation and affective orientation is noticeable but tends to decrease with the passing of the years and several guys who despite falling in love with girls had a gay masturbation, tend slowly to orientate even sexually in the straight direction. Approximately 5% of guys between the ages of 14 and 18 who took part in the Gay Project survey on sexual orientation tend to orient themselves definitively in straight direction as time passes. I must underline that the guys generally consider the split between affectivity and sexuality as a form of bisexuality and tend to consider themselves bisexual or even gay, above all due to the gay masturbation. Interpreting these phenomena is not easy because they are things that start with guys who consider themselves essentially gay and then slowly, not realizing their emotional world in a gay dimension, experience affective attraction to girls and slowly also discover a straight sexuality that is rewarding for them.

In the interviews with the guys, elements have emerged that lead me to try to give an interpretation of the facts that could at least in a good percentage of cases be realistic, clearly all of it should be taken with benefit of inventory.

In several situations of dissociation between affectivity and sexuality, in the background can be found the presence of a very rigid family in the sexual field and of children who have felt hyper-controlled during adolescence. Their female friendships were evaluated and judged by the family that tended to exercise control over the sexuality of the children, automatically presupposed exclusively hetero.

Sermons on the way to behave with girls, attempts to know how the child behaves with girls, tendential intrusiveness in the relationships of the child with the opposite sex, and on the other hand no interest in the male friendships of the child since early adolescence. If you go out with male friends, all right, if you go out with a girl you have to tell your parents who she is, where you go, when you come back, etc. etc.. The lack of freedom in the sexual field sometimes leads hetero guys to try to realize their freedom from the family in the environment of male friendships. While for a guy who can have a heterosexual emotional and sexual life basically free from family control, friendships are only a part of actual life, and not the one that polarizes sexuality, for guys who have no freedom in their emotional and sexual hetero behaviors, the friendships with other guys constitute an extremely gratifying environment because it is completely foreign to the family.

It often happens that, even in groups of substantially heterosexual guys, forms of special and very close affection are created that are not necessarily sexualized, the so-called special friendships (the best friend). For a guy who has no other sexual release valves, particular friendships easily take a sexual coloring. Pretty common episodes in the environment of heterosexual teenagers, such as masturbating together watching a straight porn, become, for a guy who feels forced by the family in his sexuality, a way to have his own private in which the family cannot enter, a sexuality which is finally subtracted from family control.

Sexual fantasies about friends and masturbation in a homosexual key end up dominating the scene and for a long time the guy can consider himself really gay, but since this sexual tendency cannot be declared nor shared and it is only experienced at the level of masturbation, the guy clearly perceives the difference between his way of living the para-sexual experiences with his friends, such as the nakedness in the showers of the gym, and the way of living those same experiences on the part of his friends, and this tends to confirm him in the idea of being gay.

However, the sexual morality of the family makes it practically impossible for the guy to accept the idea of an emotional couple relationship with another guy that would involve bringing homosexuality from the level of masturbation to the level of sharing and conscious and courageous choice. Sometimes guys also come to real sexual experiments with other guys but in situations that are not in any way accessible to the family and only with contacts for sexual purposes. From this phase that is from the greater awareness that non-affective homosexuality is not really gratifying, derives a sense of deep dissatisfaction or devaluation of sexuality, which is finally considered just as a technique. These are the most acute phases of the dissociation between affectivity and sexuality. In these situations the guys become again (now they are fully adults, 22, 23, but also 25 years old or more) particularly sensitive to a hetero affective contact. It’s obvious that after having become accustomed through years of gay masturbation to having homosexual fantasies, the approach with hetero sexuality is experienced as problematic, but that approach has a deep and satisfying affective dimension that the guy had not known in the gay environment. Thus begins a path of reunification of sexuality and affection that can last even two or three years, during which slowly but gradually the gay fantasies give way and heterosexual sexuality, combined with the effectivity gains ground.

We must immediately say that the process is delicate and, for example, a traumatic experience in a hetero environment can interrupt it, as a true and profound gay falling in love could also interrupt it. These are important transitional phases of the definition of sexuality in which, even if statistically evolution takes place prevalently towards heterosexuality, it is not at all said that the opposite does not happen. One idea must be kept in mind: sexuality must never be forced. The dissociation between affectivity and sexuality represents an evolutionary phase which, I repeat, has nothing pathological and must be experienced for what it is by following one’s own affectivity and spontaneous sexuality, avoiding to create too many problems and on the contrary setting aside any abstract and preconceived vision of oneself in both a straight or a gay key. Anxiety is the worst enemy of sexuality, so those who find themselves in such situations do not consider them as a problem to be solved. Sexual orientation issues are problems only to the extent that they are considered as such.


If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-splitting-between-gay-sexuality-and-hetero-affectivity


Hi Project,

I am a guy 19 years old, I will soon take my final exams and leave the school. I cannot wait! Because for me it was a negative experience under too many points of view. I state that I have always had good results, not excellent but certainly good and I like studying, but at school I felt like I was in prison, in an environment where I had to pretend and be an acrobat not to end up in ridicule and marginalization.

I’m a normal guy, but I’m gay, I’ve never gone after girls and when girls come after me I feel uncomfortable and I don’t know how to get rid of them and they feel rejected and it’s unpleasant for both of us.

Today I read the planning document of the school for the next year (I will not be here!), a series of films is expected to be shown on alcohol, drugs, homosexuality and violence among young people. They put homosexuality in the middle between drugs and violence! For them, however, gays are deviant and are very similar to alcoholic and violent people. You can see the prejudices even in these things.

Then the lessons, a grotesque thing, the teacher of Italian who knows the book by heart and is passionate of D’Annunzio, has exalted him in all the sauces, we did so much literature even recent but not Gadda, not Pasolini, not Bassani, fortunately I had read them on my own and perhaps it’s better that she didn’t treat them, in Latin she’s passionate of Ovid, mah! When she spoke of Petronius, she presented him as if Petronius were a sort of implicit moralist whipping homosexuality and the book, chosen by her, mentions homosexuality in Petronius in a single line and in terms of hypothesis! Or our teacher and the scientist who wrote the book have never read Petronius, what I don’t believe, or the need to censor is such that they must lower just to consciously falsify things for quiet living and to present Petronius as a half priest!

The teacher of Science, I say of Science not of Philosophy, takes for granted that being gay is a mental illness and that people become gay and therefore we must be careful! Her words! It is almost unbelievable that a person who in many other things has his own serious competence, at least for what I can understand, on issues that touch homosexuality is completely dominated by absurd preconceptions.

The teacher of Mathematics, when it happened to talk about these things, immediately put them aside saying that he still had so much to do with the program and that he could not “waste time”.

The teacher of Philosophy is a bit better but she also flies over certain topics, at least she doesn’t say that gays are abnormal and, given the environment of my school, that’s already something.

I also attend Religion lessons, above all to see how they turn it over, the teacher is a young, slightly sticky priest, who always does the funny guy with the students, everybody’s friend, but he gives me the impression of one who plays a part. With him once happened to talk about homosexuality, he said that the church cannot accept those who confuse the “sacrament of marriage” (referred to hetero people) with “having fun” (referred to gays), that the church understands the problems of gays, doesn’t judge them and respects them “as all the people must be respected”, this specification has enraged me! Then he started talking about family and the gay talk ended up here!

At school there is a balance of fear on these things, each one is limited to saying only obvious things, things that can be accepted by everyone. It is the fair of the obvious, of the great principles that are so general and abstract that they no longer mean anything.

Politics is also a totally taboo subject and all taboo subjects are carefully avoided by everyone. The priest of religion does not talk about homosexuality and politics, there is no possibility of discussion, others have programs, exams, etc. etc., but if you read the papers provided by the school, they talk about “integral formation of the person”, which is not only ridiculous but grotesque.

But basically I can even understand the point of view of teachers, no one wants trouble, they only care about bringing their salary home! For them it makes no sense to open discussions on matters of principle to defend gays! Too risky and not really worth it! Because if someone tried to do otherwise students and parents would immediately stop them or they would end up in ridicule.

But what makes me angry are mainly the students; I am absolutely certain that if some teacher would try to do a less stupid lesson speaking “even” of homosexuality in an honest way, he/she would immediately be labeled as gay by his/her own students with all that such a fact entails and I think it can be a real form of blackmailing and persecution, because I see some of my comrades and above all girls who make hallucinatory comments, who are ready for lynching because for them it is only a game that affirms their superiority.

The teacher of Philosophy herself has repeatedly pretended not to hear such comments and this is shameful. But, I wonder, if she had intervened what would she have got? They would have considered her at best as a stupid woman who has time to waste.

So school goes, at least mine. I want to leave my region, I don’t say Italy, but I want to go to a civil country, where respect is something real, where a guy can be what he really is without having to resort to various tricks to avoid the gay label with everything that comes with it. I read about schools in the north where things are very different, obviously there are still two Italies and I find myself in the less civilized one. I read about guys who attend schools where they can even come out with classmates and find a boyfriend. For me these things are on the other side of the moon.

If you want, publish the email, but remove the last part.

An angry student!


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Hi Project,

First of all I have to thank you for last night, I can guarantee you that I was very impressed, I didn’t imagine similar things, I had understood that it was a serious thing and I also realized that it should have a true sense, but I didn’t think things could happen like the ones you made me read. It was not the first time I was trying to get closer to gay environments but I was very suspicious because my previous experiences had been disappointing.

Of course it is almost unbelievable that one wakes up 30 years old and starts so late to see things that are obvious but the removal was so strong that, as I told you, I came a step away from the marriage, then, fortunately I asked myself what I was doing and the world collapsed on me. I have been mad for everyone, from my girlfriend to my parents, I don’t tell how her parents reacted, but now the worst moment of the storm after the breakdown of the marriage hypothesis has passed. To my ex I couldn’t, or maybe not wanted to explain anything, I’ve exploited her for years, it’s true, but I didn’t realize it. She felt betrayed, I know, but I would never be able to explain how things really are, because it’s ugly to say, but I often thought that she would marry me, even if between us there was no real transport, neither sexual nor emotional, just to find an accommodation, it could seem bad and perhaps I’m looking for a justification, but that’s what I think.

When my parents learned that I would not be married, they thought everything but the right thing. Neither my father nor my mother have the slightest suspicion that I can be gay and I think this is good, because the atmosphere is already strange but if they knew that I’m gay it would be difficult to live together. I still live with them but I have a stable job not bad and I could also go to stay on my own, but we are in the same city, a small city, and going to live in another house would not give me more privacy, I should really change city, but this would mean changing job.

It seems very strange to me when I walk down the street, turn around to look at a guy, because I’m not used to it, I’ve always avoided doing it, almost on principle, I know it’s a stupid thing but that’s what happened for years and years, then I’m rediscovering the pleasures of sex (not the couple sex) and it begins to seem to me like a simple thing, I would say completely natural, which is done because it’s pleasant and you leave the thoughts free to go where they want, and it seems strange to me that for many years I have had so many problems with these things.

When I visit porn sites I mostly look for photos of nice guys in very spontaneous attitudes and I think the guys are just a beautiful thing, maybe the most beautiful thing that nature has created and I imagine how it would be to know a guy exactly how I dream of him, how it would be to embrace him knowing that he wants it, in short, being with a guy like me, that is, who thinks the same things, who desires the same things, who immediately understands what I want to say.

When I was with my girlfriend I didn’t feel uncomfortable, even if she didn’t love me in the true sense of the word (and how could she?) Somehow she loved me but I felt that being with her was not what I really wanted and I was wondering how could so many other guys find sex so engaging, now I understand it and I find it engaging too, but the gay sex, but then I considered my gay impulses a kind of private perversion that must be repressed because it’s obvious that it’s wrong.

I miss so much to know other gay guys, not those of pride but of those like me, who may have also passed through straight experiences or even not, but gay guys with whom I can talk freely. Last night I felt strange because we talked about sexuality, that is gay sexuality, and I thought I would never have succeeded. I don’t hide that I was also affected by the fact of being too big to still have these problems, I told myself that at twenty, ok, it’s possible, but at 30, it’s impossible, I felt immature. There are many gay guys like me … it’s true, in fact it’s obvious, but I had always removed the idea of making the big jump and trying to understand what is “really” on the other side of the wall. I begin to think that on the other side of the wall there is a very normal world of real guys who live or try to live as they can, that is, in the best way with respect to the situation around them, which unfortunately doesn’t encourage gays.

The Gay Project environment is actually very different from the classic gay environments. I happened to be a bit on the chat, and a guy who had launched a sexual proposal was immediately kicked, just in two seconds time. This fact struck me a lot, I didn’t talk in the chat and I didn’t respond to the greeting because I didn’t want to talk but I followed the conversation and it was very far from those of other gay chats, then I decided to send you the mail, well, I didn’t even expect an answer, but you answered less than half an hour later and after an hour we were on msn. I must say that I was impressed by the whole tone of the conversation, very simple and very direct. We talked all night and I apologize for it, but it was worth it. Now, if I think I’m gay, I feel less strange, it doesn’t seem to me like a perversion, it really struck me when you said that being gay is a way of loving, it’s true! But I never put it this way.

You made me think about another fundamental thing, that is prevention. Frankly such things can be easily underestimated because one is led to think that are very distant things that can happen only to others, I believe that I will treasure what I learned yesterday when I fall in love with a guy and I hope it would happen soon, because now I begin to see it as something that could also happen even if it still seems to me a distant thing. Me with a boyfriend? Well, such a thing a few months ago would have put me in crisis, but now I think I would very much like it.

You insisted a lot on loving each other and I didn’t expect it, I always saw sex between two guys as something that is done especially for oneself and not as a form of shared tenderness. Project, all right, I don’t do it too long, I think I’ll send you some more mail if you have the patience to answer me. The Project is truly a unique thing!

Andrew N.


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Hi Project,

rather than telling you my story of single twenty-five guy, obviously gay, I would like to ask you and the guys of the forum some questions about the social conditioning that shape, even today, to a large extent, the behavior of us gay people, I put myself of course also in this group. I live in a small village in Lombardy, about 80 km from Milan. People expect it to be an open and, let’s say, gay-friendly environment, but it’s not at all and the thing that makes me more angry is that those of narrow mindedness are young people.

In the village there is an elderly lady more than 80 years old, whom I will call Ada, who has remained alone and, in practice, she relies on the care of her neighbors and I’m one of those neighbors, and it happens that I go to see her three or four times a week, to bring her shopping or to pay her bills at the post office. With Mrs. Ada I have a special relationship, I consider her a bit like a grandmother and she is really happy when she sees me.

One day I went to her in a bad mood because some of my “friends” with whom I went to see a movie, had made atrocious comments about a guy they consider gay. Mrs. Ada saw me right outside of me and asked what had happened and I already told her without omitting anything. She replied that those who do such things don’t understand anything and allow themselves to judge things they don’t know at all. The answer struck me. Then we kept talking and finally I felt I could trust her and I told her that I’m gay too and she hugged me, just hugged tightly, and told me she had to tell me something.

In practice, as a young girl she fell deeply in love with a gay guy, she was fine with that guy, without sex, because there was respect and affection. She would have married him only with a formal wedding, but she had understood that the guy needed to live his life. In practice, to avoid creating legal constraints that would have complicated things a lot, she agreed to play the role of that guy’s eternal girlfriend and encouraged him to live his life.

She told me: “I also met the boyfriend of my, let’s say so, boyfriend, and he was a very good guy, but you know we were at the beginning of the 50s and we couldn’t expose too much. In short, they loved each other but they loved me too, like a sister, but they really loved me, then so many years passed and they went to live in Belgium, but we were often in touch, and they came to my town for Easter and Christmas, they came for me because they no longer had anyone here, and we were together a few days. In short, when I hear “gay” it’s of them that I think, and now I think of you too! And woe to those who touch me the gays!” The words were more or less these.

When I was leaving his house she said to me: “I will pray for you!” I made a face a little perplexed and she added: “Of course! So that the Eternal Father makes you happy as you want!”

In the land I never saw old men or woman who did homophobic speeches, strange but true, not even one. Those of my age, and even younger, if you take them one by one don’t make homophobic speeches, but if you put them together, they go wild and don’t stop any more, it’s a squalid thing, because they follow the logic of the herd.

The thing is not even taken seriously, they start with more or less stupid jokes and the escalation starts from there. There were very young guys, of eighth grade, who were beaten by their comrades who spat against them. The older guys, those of the last years of school are less stupid and these things don’t even happen, but the kids are really fierce. I wonder what education they received in the family!

There is another thing to consider: I’m not publicly out, but in my country “officially” there are no gay guys, there are many guys, at least 200, if you see the buses that bring them in the morning at school, but there are no gays! Just nobody! Evidently they are afraid and are hiding. I understand them very well, because I did it and I still do it myself.

Nobody knows about me in my house, they don’t ask me questions, because now my parents are just worrying about work, I have a job, it’s not a great job, but for me it’s okay, my parents would like the moon, but the conditions for a better job are lacking.

Even in my house there is homophobia, sometimes I hear some shivering comments and I cannot reply, otherwise it would be the world war and it is not really the case. That’s why I’m still single. I met some guys through the internet, but never one in person, here it wouldn’t be possible. I don’t know if this is true even in the big cities, but I have my job in my village and I have to forget big cities!

Come out publicly! Gay guys tell me online … and I answer that they live on another planet. What to do? In my opinion there is little to do.


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Hello Project, you talk about affectivity and sexuality, ok, I understand what you mean, but they are two things that always go together. I too fell in love with some guys, perhaps the affective aspect was slightly prevalent, but I say perhaps, because I just could not say so, there was sex, all right, restrained, braked, sublimated, everything you want, but it was certainly and strongly present. Then, there were also erotic dreams that today no more happen, but then there was and there is even now masturbation, ok, you could do it with porn but when you were in love, fantasy was enough, if then on that guy you also had a minimum of sexual memories, and I had, it was enough to recall them and there was no need for anything else. 
If I have to be honest, I have never lived totally sublimated relationships, that is without sexual fantasies of any kind, indeed my important stories were always accompanied by very intense sexual fantasies. Think that I had also had a girlfriend and had also had sex with her, but then, when I found myself with the first guy of my life, it was so different, so intense, so spontaneous, so without psychological complexes, so totally different from my relationship with my girlfriend, that I told myself I would never be with a girl again and so it was, because if one is gay, yes, he can even have sex with a girl sometimes, but it’s not what he is looking for. A guy who interests you upsets you, creates both an emotional and a sexual transport mingled down that has no possible comparison with a straight experience. 
I want to live with a man, I always tried to stay close to the guys, to create strong ties of friendship and even of sex with them, the fact is that I almost never succeeded, a couple of times yes, but then, after a few years, even those relationships are unfortunately over. I still see those guys, obviously not for sex, and I’m fine with them, but the fire of passion, if we want to say so, doesn’t exist anymore. 
It will seem paradoxical, Project, but now that I am 36 years old I am beginning to be afraid of being alone again. I wonder why I cannot live stable relationships, I don’t even know if it’s my fault or not, but it doesn’t happen. It is as if today the desire for a couple was diminished, nobody wants to commit, nobody wants to tie up with other guys. Something like a more or less friendly sex you can find it too, quite easily, but a guy to love no! It’s just a terrible thing. Sometimes deluded myself, I thought it would finally happen, but it didn’t happen, or rather it seemed like it had happened, but after a few months it was completely over. 
I dream of a guy to love, to love in every sense, a guy with whom to live a truly free and above all mutual sexuality, because I would like to find a true sexual harmony, which in practice I have never found 100%, but I would also like a guy with whom to share ordinary life, work concerns, economic ones, plans for the future. Am I still dreaming at 36? Did not the experience teach me anything? I should settle and say: ok, I’m fine with the first available, so I “settle”! Just like the ugly girls of the past (if they really did). No! So I’m better alone, because if I’m alone at least I’m free. Being in two is nice if you really love each other, otherwise it is better to be alone. A little sex without great expectations I find it even with some unlucky friend like me, and it’s already happened.
Bye, Pro!
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Not infrequently it happens that a gay guy, who has lived for various reasons a hetero or pseudo-hetero life, finds himself, at some point, deeply embarrassed with his girlfriend, who notices something strange in the behavior of the guy and arrives to guess that her partner is gay. The girl demands clarity and the guy, in one way, struggles to break the relationship and for the other is very reluctant to come out with his girlfriend. Some girls, once they realize that their partner is gay, think it’s good to push him to come out to let him live his life more freely. 
These two issues are illustrated in the following document. On March 14th, 2008, a woman writes to Gay Project from an Islamic country, claiming that if a girl notices that her boyfriend is gay, she has the right to know how things really are and claiming also that not to speak clearly on the part of the guy, it is a dishonest act towards his partner. The girl would also like to “help” her partner causing him to come out at least partially. This is the text of the email: 
“Anonymous said. . . I just discovered this blog, I feel it’s serious and I liked it, and I write because of my boyfriend. I have serious doubts about whether he is gay but repressed, so he does not even admit it to himself, and I would like to understand it, I would like to understand.
In your blog I didn’t find any reference to this fact: how to help a man of extremely rigid and rational character, 37 years old, to let him find out if this (homosexuality) is his true nature? That is, how to help him come out in the open. I have to underline that we are not in Italy but in an Islamic country, where the traditional family is sacred and many gays take refuge in marriage to save appearances, or hide in a hamam, or in bars reserved for men only.  
I have read the comments of women in your blog and I appreciate their sensitivity, and also yours in reserving a space for their stories. A woman feels, perceives and understands when something is wrong. . . And if she feels love, she will always try to help. But I do it also for another reason: if there is a lie, I want to know. In the blog you talk about gay morality/immorality, but in the end it is a question of clarity and honesty towards those who are close, whether men or women, if they are no longer the person of our dreams. Forgive me if I remain in anonymity, but I think maybe my question is too difficult and perhaps will not find an answer. Thank you . . . March 14, 2008 22.24″.
ANSWER: Dear Friend, I try to answer what you ask. First of all I will divide the answer into two parts, one on the causes of gay repression and the other on the “what to do” in particular by a woman, towards her boyfriend.
Human sexuality is an expression of individual freedom and personal freedom in sexual matters can be repressed in many ways, some of them constitute real forms of systematic persecution and we can even go so far as to apply the death penalty to the present day. Iranian President Ahmadinejad told speaking at a Columbia University conference that there are no gays in Iran as in Western countries. A declaration of this kind is self-commented. In those conditions the level of repression is such that no one declares himself homosexual and marriage for gay guys is the rule. 
Out of respect for people who are forced to live in similar situations I would never say that they are “gay repressed” but that they are “gay persecuted” and that any behavior that tends to hide their sexual identity is fully justified, even that in the face of wives. It is not about lies but about survival instinct.
In many countries, even Islamic, however, there is a slow evolution that, if it does not really promote the free expression of a gay culture, doesn’t criminalize the very fact of being gay. In situations like this (like the one concerning the country from which you contacted me) there are no “legal persecutions of gays” but the public opinion is still a thousand miles far from showing tolerance towards them. In these cases we can speak of a real social intolerance towards homosexuality. Situations of social intolerance towards gays are not only manifested in Islamic countries but also in Europe, where social structures are still closed and linked to traditional values. 
A push to attitudes of closure, if not homophobia, comes from the Catholic Church and there are still, even in Italy, many situations in which I would certainly not recommend a gay guy to speak openly about his sexual orientation. In Italy, in some rare cases, thanks to a very traditional family education, there are still gay guys repressed enough to marry, in the belief that they have overcome their homosexuality. The variability of the framework of social intolerance towards gays is such that it makes no real sense to try to classify the possible coming out behaviors. 
But I must stress that in some situations the cost of coming out can be very high. I have seen gay guys forced to emigrate because they would not have found work in their countries and would have been hindered in the most varied ways. In any case, the coming out risk assessment is exclusively up to those who have to put it into practice. This is a very personal choice, like that of marriage, which cannot be conditioned by any request for clarity, from whoever it comes, for the simple fact that the consequences of coming out, under the regime of social intolerance, are all and only of the person that comes out. I answer directly to the specific question: “and the girlfriend of one of these guys (if there is one)?” The girlfriend (if there is one) can go his own way but must remember that the coming out is not addressed to her but it is an act very personal and risky on the part of the guy. 
I saw with my own eyes situations of authentic moral lynching as a result of gossip unleashed by confidences thoughtlessly entrusted to friends by a girl who had received the coming out of her boyfriend. I emphasize another thing that may not be pleasing to women in love with gay guys, a gay guy can have a real interest in declaring himself to another guy that he thinks is gay to create the conditions for a possible couple bond, in that case the risk has an objective justification, in the case of the coming out towards a girl, however, the risk does not correspond to any possible benefit, especially if the relationship with that girl was built exclusively for the purpose of saving appearances. It is up to the guy, after carefully assessing the risk levels, to choose if, possibly, to come out in front of his girlfriend, but I wouldn’t absolutely consider this type of coming out as an obligation and omitting it like a lie.
The most common and the most insidious form of repression of gays, both in Islamic countries and in Europe is the family one. Persecutory behaviors and social intolerance generally are clearly perceived and are recognized as such, while family intolerance is gradually absorbed step by step, it is essentially a poison of freedom that tends to extinguish it from the beginning. The lack of freedom is clearly felt when moving from a regime of freedom to one of absence of freedom or when confronting scenarios of freedom and scenarios of repression, but when one grows up in a repressive environment and when one receives information from a single source one also has no awareness of the existence of a possible freedom and repression becomes a deeply internalized mental habit lived as a natural and spontaneous thing. 
Such models have also characterized European culture until the advent of the internet. Even today, in Europe, a guy will never receive a serious sex education at school and even more so will never receive the correct information about homosexuality (just think that sex education is often delegated to priests and teachers of religion who, given the a priori condemnation of homosexuality on the part of the Church, are certainly not the best sources of information about gay life). Even today, in Europe, a guy will hardly have the opportunity to talk about sex with his parents and less than ever will have the opportunity to talk to them about homosexuality. Until a few decades ago, the only information on homosexuality could be found on a few serious books that a guy would have had difficulty buying and he would have to carefully hide. 
The weight of family intolerance is progressively decreasing, especially among younger guys, thanks to the Internet, which in recent times has begun to spread a model of homosexuality as normality that is slowly gaining momentum. The word “gay” itself, until twenty years ago practically a taboo for right-thinking guys, is now in common use and the implications of ridicule or irony are gradually disappearing. Where there is no internet, or internet is not free, however, the situation is still as it was in Italy 30 years ago. The cases in which family intolerance leads gay guys to feel themselves heterosexual, at least in Europe, today are limited to situations in which a guy is automatically induced to forms of uninhibited heterosexuality at an extremely early age, in such cases a very young guy can make the first hetero experiences, which can have an anaesthetizing value for years but, I want to underline that these guys do not tell lies to their girls, they feel substantially straight. Also in this case, therefore, I would not speak of lies or deception.
The expression “Red Cross nurses” (in Italian Crocerossine) in the gay world is used with two distinct meanings:
– “hetero Red Cross nurse” to indicate a straight girl who, knowing that her boyfriend is gay, puts in mind that she is able to make the guy straight just through the classic means of female seduction,
– “gay Red Cross nurse” to indicate a straight girl who, suspecting that her boyfriend is gay thinks she can “help” him to be gay, pushing him to come out.
Several times on the Gay Project forum the expression “Red Cross nurses” has been used very appropriately to define girls who want to help their boyfriends to accept themselves as gay.
I briefly summarize the terms of the question. A girl who realizes that her boyfriend is gay, if she wants to do a good thing, has to let him go on his way. Every attempt to “help” is seen by the gay guy as an undue interference or even as a form of violence, while it’s useful to the girl to feel like a good girl.
In the case of the e-mail from which this post has taken the cue, with a 37-year-old guy, in conditions of strong environmental stress, demanding clarity is basically a form of violence. If there is something that girls emotionally involved with gay guys can do, it is always and in any case to leave to their partners the maximum freedom and don’t expect anything. 
Between accepting and understanding there is a huge difference, love, at any level, is acceptance, those looking for an explanation are not able to accept unconditionally. To answer with the utmost clarity: if a girl realizes that her partner is gay, she has to leave him to himself avoiding to conceive any projects of any kind on him that, even under the appearance of the best intentions, risk hiding a predatory attitude. I realize that our reader will not like an answer like this but, for the experience that I have of the gay world, I know for sure that the gay guys don’t like Red Cross nurses.
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