SEX IN GAY-HETERO RELATIONSHIPS

Many gay guys, before being fully aware of being gay or before totally accepting themselves as gays, have had heterosexual experiences, and sometimes have continued to have relationships with girls even after they became fully aware of being gay. Very often the awareness of one’s own homosexuality is acquired by reflecting on the fact that spontaneous sexuality of masturbation is oriented towards guys even if the couple sexuality is hetero. The mere fact that a guy has straight sex intercourses is therefore certainly not enough to qualify that guy as a heterosexual. I would add that when a guy, who will ultimately accept his exclusive homosexuality but is not yet fully aware of it, looks for a girl, due to an unconscious defense mechanism, tends to choose her not very motivated towards sexuality and devoid of sexual experiences, so that she cannot make comparisons between his sexual behavior and that of other guys.

Let’s get on the side of the girl, now. It is evident that in a sexual relationship with a guy, who behaves like a hetero but is not heterosexual, a girl who has a minimum of experience of heterosexual sexuality feels something uncertain, hesitant, feels a reluctance of the guy to her insistence more than a primary sexual desire on the part of the guy. Here is the point. A gay man can also, in certain very special situations, experience sexual interest and even excitement for a woman to the point of having satisfactory sexual intercourses with her, but that is not his primary choice, his sexual fantasies remain gay, his masturbation remains gay almost always 100% even during the sexual relationship.

For a gay, this reasoning, applied to sexual intercourse with a girl, is flawless: the guy is and remains gay, has more or less satisfactory heterosexual intercourses, the girl if she is not very interested in sex can also accept the things in these terms, but a discourse that is in many ways symmetrical to the one just done can also be applied to sexual relations between a straight guy and a gay guy. I mean that assuming that a guy who has sex with another guy is necessarily gay is just like assuming that a guy who has sex with a girl is necessarily straight, things that both don’t hold up. As a gay guy under certain circumstances can experience sexual interest in a girl, a heterosexual guy, under certain circumstances, can experience sexual interest in a guy. That hetero guy will remain heterosexual even if it will have sexual contact with a guy, his primary sexuality, his masturbation and his sexual fantasies will remain directed towards girls almost always 100% even in the period in which the sexual contacts are sometimes realized with another guy.

In the case just described of a heterosexual guy who has sexual intercourses with a gay guy, let’s put on the side of the gay guy, it is obvious that the gay guy will feel that the sexual interest that the hetero guy shows towards him is not symmetrical to his, because the sexuality of the straight guy has been structured over the years on other sexual fantasies that are now extrapolated to the gay field but are not originally gay. I’m saying that while it is quite peaceful that a gay guy can have sex with a girl, it is not as peaceful that a heterosexual guy can have sex with a guy, and it is almost assumed as granted that a guy who has sex with another guy is really gay.

But heterosexuals who have sex even with guys exist and are not very few. To gays they seem gay but they are not, their primary sexuality and their masturbation is and remains oriented towards girls. Exactly like a guy who has sex with a girl he can seem straight to that girl just because he has sex with her but it’s not at all said that he is.

Having premised this. I come to the central topic of the chapter. It sometimes happens that a gay guy falls in love with a friend declared to be straight and, slowly, by insistence, manages to induce him to have some sexual contact with him. This thing that appears to the gay guy an exalting moment, when it happens, shows all its weak sides. The gay feels something unusual, originally not gay, not corresponding to the sexual fantasies typical of a gay guy, that is to his own sexual fantasies. The first element that sounds out of tune for a gay is the disinterestedness of one partner for the other partner’s penis, or a weak interest, more manifested than felt, induced only by not wanting to appear disinterested and often perceived by the gay guy as unnatural and recited.

The hetero guy doesn’t usually masturbate the gay guy, but on the contrary likes being masturbated by him, the straight guy is available for oral sex but only if practiced on his penis while he is extremely reluctant to swap roles. But there is more, sexual intercourse focuses on what the gay guy has less masculine, in practice the gay realizes not to embody the primary sexual interest of his partner and to be for him only the “substitute of a girl”, however, he continues to consider his partner a strange gay rather than a straight guy.

I add that often, after contacts of this kind, gay guys try to insist on creating other occasions for meeting while hetero guys shows strong resistance and certainly don’t take initiatives. It follows that it would be appropriate to remember that as there are gays who, in particular situations, sometimes go also with the girls, remaining anyway gay in all respects, there are also hetero guys who, in particular situations, sometimes go also with the guys remaining straight in all respects.

When a gay guy is faced with a guy who is clearly heterosexual but available to have a sexual contact with him, I’m saying available, which doesn’t mean interested, that is, when a gay guy meets a guy who eventually accepts a sexual contact but doesn’t take initiatives, he think automatically of being in front of a gay guy who is becoming aware of his sexual orientation; he should instead understand that in all likelihood he is in front of a heterosexual guy available to have also gay sexual contacts, in very special circumstances, obviously remaining 100% hetero.

In situations like these, to build a serious relationship something misses, there is a lack of basic reciprocity because the primary sexual interests are different and the hypothesis that you can create a truly important emotional world that can turn into a true couple relationship is objectively baseless. For a gay guy, it’s often very difficult and painful to realize it, because he is forced to understand that a story that seemed to have reached its peak isn’t even a story and that fantasy led him to get away from reality.

Sexuality to be really satisfying must be authentically shared. The sexual balance of a gay couple is based on sexual affinities, that is on a set of sexual desires and fantasies common to the two partners. In general, gay guys are clearly aware of how sexual archetypes of straight guys hare different from theirs own and they perceive it simply talking with their straight friends. But when a gay guy glimpses in one of his friends clearly hetero some glimpse that suggests that this friend could also be available to a gay sexual contact, the gay guy’s mind goes haywire and the projections and increasing expectations dominate the field.

Then when some sexual contact is realized, the gay guy, who hadn’t wanted to take note of the heterosexuality of the other, finally awakens from his illusions and realizes that there is something that doesn’t work.

The tendency to project oneself far away by satisfying one’s own desires ends up legitimizing completely unrealistic expectations. Often, in gay-hetero relationships that also involve sexual contacts between the two guys, the gay guy tends not to see reality and literally stops thinking. The expression: “we had sex together therefor he cannot be straight, even if he always repeats it” is completely superimposable to similar phrases that girls fallen in love with gay guys use to claim that their boyfriend is straight. The mechanisms through which a gay-hetero relationship between two guys in born are completely analogous to those that lead a gay guy to stay with a girl. The story starts from friendship, often sexualized on one side only (the gay guy masturbates while thinking of his friend, but the straight guy continues to masturbate thinking about girls), then there are increasingly intense occasions for intimacy that to the gay guy appear as a clear sign that the other is gay while to the hetero guy appear only as forms of close friendship and nothing more.

It’s easy to get to para-sexual situations, as shared showers in sports environments, casual nudity without embarrassment and the like, to which the gay guy attributes much meaning and that for the hetero are completely insignificant things, and so sometimes it’s also possible to get to a sexual intercourse that is acceptable for a hetero just because he doesn’t see it as a gay conversion (and it is not in fact) but as a trivial thing to which no particular significance is attached, maybe as a form of generosity towards a friend who needs it.

To build a serious gay story it is not enough that the two guys are gay, that is just a necessary condition, certainly not sufficient, but it is a necessary condition, they must really be two gay guys and the fact that between two guys there have been sexual intercourses absolutely doesn’t allow to conclude that they are both really gay. Sexual orientation is not a question of behavior but of drives and desires. In the e-mails I receive and in the chats with the guys, it often emerges not only the idea that a guy is automatically considered gay only for the fact that he accepts an explicit sexual contact with another guy, but even that “if he accepts a sexual contact with me he is in love with me.” Behind this statement there is a tendency to read explicit sex as an “essential part” of a gay relationship and at the same time there is the underestimation of the typically affective dimension.

Whoever says “if he has sex with me is in love with me” takes for granted the identity between sex and love. If on one hand it is understandable that a gay guy in love with a friend tries to get to a sexual contact with him, it is necessary that the guy in love understands that his friend may not be in love with him, and may not even be gay even if he can end up accepting sexual contact with another guy.

Sexual costume is changing and behaviors that were unthinkable 40 years ago now begin to spread and many taboos collapse, worn down by the passage of time. Today the embarrassment in talking about masturbation practically doesn’t exist anymore and the taboo of nudity is largely reduced. From the straight guys the taboo related to sexual contacts with other guys is often exceeded, both at the level of gay games between straight guys and also at the level of sexual couple contacts that are undoubtedly much more similar to a real gay relationship than to simple sexual games. In other words, today for a straight guy the idea of being able to have a contact, even sexual, with another guy, even an explicitly gay guy, is no longer an insurmountable taboo.

I met via chat straight guys who loved a gay friend of theirs and ended up accepting sexual contact with their gay friend. It was often about sexual contacts deeply wanted and desired only on the side of the gay guy and accepted by the straight guy as a kind of gratification to give to his gay friend. In these relationships there is no real sexual reciprocity even at the minimum level. This fact allows the hetero guy to participate in a homosexual contact in some way safeguarding his hetero identity through altruistic motivations.

The essence of these discourses is that a straight guy may very well be involved in sexual contacts with another guy, but the straight guy remains anyway a straight guy, his sexuality doesn’t change because he participated sometimes to some gay sexual intercourse.

Basically a straight guy can accept a sexual contact with another guy for two reasons that are substantially different but that are not mutually exclusive and even sometimes integrate:

1) For play.
2) For emotional reasons.

But why does a straight guy tend to form a strong friendship with a boy more or less explicitly gay? The answers can be many:

1) Because he feels the affection of his gay friend and is gratified, he feels loved and desired and perceives the attention of the other.
2) Because he has nothing better to do or feels a sense of loneliness that is relieved by the presence of a gay friend.
3) Because the gay friend is insistent and courts wildly the straight guy.
4) Because, apart from sexual orientation, between the two guys there is a close affinity of views.
5) Because the friendship between the two guys goes back to early adolescence.
6) Because the gay guy is interested in listening and the straight guy needs to talk.

Too often gay guys tend to divide the world into gay and straight as if this division marks a clear birder line between the two groups and especially between the social behaviors of the two groups. In reality, if this border line exists objectively in terms of sexual orientation, even if not 100% in terms of sexual behavior, as we have seen, it certainly has no reason to exist in many other fields that don’t involve sexuality. It is precisely for this reason that gay-hetero friendships exist and are often very tight; even if they are not symmetrical these relationships can find deep motivations on both sides.

It should be borne in mind that the development of a gay relationship is never the outcome of a one-sided strategy, it is not a chess game and there is no winning strategy. To see a story of love as the story of a conquest means to read it as an unequal relationship in which there is a conqueror and there is a conquered and this is a typical legacy of a culture that is not only heterosexual but properly male chauvinist.

In the gay world, where two guys start on an equal footing, the relationship is built in two, I mean that if you are not really two to cooperate in building a serious emotional relationship, the relationship, admitted and not granted that it can be born, however, is born on very fragile bases. Many gay guys cannot conceive true friendships with a guy and they intend the friendship with a guy exclusively as a necessary step of a strategy of conquest that has as its target the realization of a sexual contact.

Starting from this point of view the emotional dimension is automatically subordinated to the realization of a sexual contact and the sexual intercourse is seen as a necessary condition for the construction of a serious emotional relationship. In this way the natural order of things is reversed, the construction of a serious emotional relationship is postponed and subordinated to sexuality. Obviously these attitudes heavily affect the relationships of gay-hetero friendship and tend to forcibly transform them into something that resembles a couple relationship.

The inability to accept friendship with another guy if not as a first step of the attempt to involve that guy from a sexual point of view, deprives many gay guys of male friendship, in the great majority of cases with straight guys but also with gay guys, and it must be kept in mind that this types of friendships is absolutely essential for the emotional balance of a gay guy.

In a gay-hetero relationship, the attempt to sexualize the relationship of friendship starts from the gay guy who tends to read the behavior of his partner as a path towards the awareness of being gay, that is, he tends to apply his interpretive canons to another guy. Here are some typical reasons:

1) He’s a latent gay, he’s still not aware of being gay but I’ll help him on his way and I’ll let him discover his true nature.
2) After all, he’s gay but he doesn’t want to accept it, a straight guy would never do so many of the things he does.
3) He’s at least bisexual because he has never approached a girl in a serious way and this means something.

It is evident that the attempt to sexualize the relationship presupposes the identification a friend at least as a potential gay. Otherwise the attempt would be a priori condemned to failure.

The point of view of the heterosexual guy who deliberately accepts a sexual contact with a gay friend of his can be roughly summarized as follows:

1) My friend is gay but he is a good guy and I love him. He is in love with me, I don’t feel seriously involved in this fact but don’t feel even rejected by it. If I can make love with a girls I’m not interested in, then I can make love also with him, I’m not interest in him sexually but I feel him very similar from many other points of view.
2) I do it for him, as far as I am concerned, I can only be involved on a physical level, but my sexuality is really another. I don’t feel less hetero for the fact that I can make a friend happy in a way that costs me nothing.
3) With my gay friend in the end there is clarity, he knows I’m straight, I do not think he can feel tied to me in a morbid way.

I report below with some minor changes a mail that was sent to me on June 21st 2009.

“Hello Project, I’m a straight guy 20 years old, I have a gay friend of mine (let’s call him Mark) and I’d like to tell you what happened between us. I state that I have never had doubts about my sexuality. For reasons that you will understand by reading the following I found your project and I read a lot of what you wrote and I saw my idea of being heterosexual even more strengthened. In short, I don’t have anything gay, this to avoid misunderstandings, sorry if I do this remark, I have nothing against gays but I’m not gay.

When we were 19, my friend Mark clearly told me he was gay. This didn’t upset me at all, we were always very close, gym together since we were 14 years old, school mates on the same faculty, study together to do the take the same exams. I didn’t realize then that Mark in confessing that he was gay had tried to make me understand that he had fallen in love with me.

I didn’t understand it at that time and continued to treat it as usual. Things between us, however, were no longer as before. When he was with me he was embarrassed, he was not looking at me, he was much more formal. One day I saw him really bad and I tried to make him talk. I had thought he had an emotional life at least minimal, but it was not like that. We were in the car and when I saw him uncomfortable I took his hand and I held it, he bit his lips until they bleed, then he started crying and told me about himself (and me) open heart. It was a very intense moment, he tended to move away from me and to tell me that I had to go my way, he told me that since I’m not gay, there would never be anything between us, but I loved Mark, like a brother, but I loved him, and I tried to make him understand, but he tended to interpret every affectionate gesture as an element to question my heterosexuality.

In short, it was not easy and it went on like this for months. Then he came to his mind the idea that if I had sex with him I would have realized that I was gay because he told me that only a gay guy could love him as I did. He insisted a lot. I told him that nothing would have changed between us and that I was straight and straight I would stay. He literally begged me to try and I finally said yes.

I had thought, at least at the beginning, that from the sexual point of view our intercourse wouldn’t create big embarrassments. I didn’t know how things would have gone, but in fact I felt that it was not my world and he felt it too. So it ended with a mutual masturbation a bit clumsy then he looked at me and told me that he had understood. The story of the sexual intercourse was over.

Why do I write you this email? The reason is that after that day our relationship is fading, he doesn’t look for me anymore, when I look for him, he escapes me. Once he met me while I was walking with my girlfriend and he changed the road and I was very sorry. I love Mark but I think that what I can offer him doesn’t interest him, when I talk to him he smiles ironically as if to say that it is not what he wants from me, but I can give him only that.

Project, but why do gay guys bring everything back to the common denominator of sex? I don’t want to lose Mark, for me he’s important, what can I do to make him understand that having a friend like him is important to me? Among other things, I think he was very ashamed of having insisted so much to do a little sex with me, he feels guilty and I see it very well, as if he had raped me or something like that, but I never considered this way what happened between us, I would like him to understand it but he doesn’t listen to me. Why cannot he understand that sex is not everything in life? Project, let me know what you think. It is almost absurd that I write to you for this reason but for me Mark is important and I know that you can understand me without misunderstandings.

Andrew”

____________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-sex-in-gay-hetero-relationships

Advertisements

DOUBTS OF A GAY 40-YEAR-OLD

Hello Project, I feel a bit strange to write you some things but I don’t know what to do and I would like to have the ideas a little clearer. I am 40 years old, I am gay and I have always been gay but only in the sense that my sexual fantasies have always been about guys. In practice with the female universe I don’t have and never had any relationship not even of superficial significance. Nothing against women, for heaven’s sake, but they are not my thing. But my being gay never, and I repeat never, went beyond individual fantasy. I spent periods during adolescence when I repressed myself heavily, a little conditioned by the family, a bit by religion and a bit by complexes of various kinds, I basically removed the idea of having a true relationship (I don’t even tell sexual) with another guy. Already from the time of school it was all a flee and put the idea aside. Maybe it was also good.

My first falling in love, if I had declared it, would surely have put me in great difficulty. My last year of school I fell in love with a new guy who arrived in my class and getting rid of him cost me dear, now this guy is married and has two children and I’m happy to have kept my feelings for me.

The university was a succession of love affairs blossomed and then finished before beginning. My faculty was predominantly attended by guys and for me that period could, in theory, be wonderful, but it was not. Of course there were gay guys but it was impossible to find them, when I thought I understood that a guy was gay, the obvious proof of the contrary came to me. In practice I focused on the study, I graduated very well and I immediately found work, among other things a job that I like, well paid even if very demanding. My work environment is predominantly made of guys, they are all young engineers, mostly under 30, I belong to the seniors.

My colleagues at work only talk about work, here professionalism is mandatory and letting yourself go to personal speeches is considered a dangerous weakness for the career. When we do our business dinners it’s a real liturgy, there are the great bosses and my colleagues are all present with a wives or a girls in a long dress. So here what is worthy of consideration is just the image and to make a career you have to be formal and that’s it, there is no room for friendship at any level but only for the competition. Among other things, my colleagues, even those who are objectively handsome, seem to me well programmed puppets, among other things with a critical spirit only at the technical level and aimed only at the career and otherwise stereotyped up to the incredible. So let’s say that for me the working environment is completely neutral, and now I come to the central question.

This year I was, like every year, at the beach with my parents. If I told my colleagues something like that I would disqualify because it’s just a piece of beach, nothing extraordinary. My parents have a little house near the sea, you just leave the house and in practice you’re on the beach. There are few people on weekdays but on Sundays there are groups with cars and there are a lot of people. One Sunday I stood there under the umbrella reading some papers looking for some clever ideas to spend at work, when a group of young people, 20/21 years, arrives, they take off their shirts and start playing volleyball a few meters from me, so far there is little to say, it often happens.

One of these guys immediately strikes me: tall, blond, smiling, I remain to observe him because he exerts a powerful attraction on me. I tell myself: what a beautiful guy! Lucky him! Apart from my 40 years, I don’t have and I have never had anything to be considered a beautiful guy or even an average one. I could not stare at that guy for too long because I didn’t want him to notice it, but he enchanted me, even the voice seemed beautiful to me. I went back to reading my papers but my ear was fixed on the voices of those guys. At one point I got a ball in the head that made my book fly.

That guy told me, some days after, that throw of the ball was not accidental. He approaches, apologizes by friendly as if we had known each other forever, and takes the ball. The match ends, his friends go to take a bath, he doesn’t go, as he doesn’t have an umbrella and asks if he can put himself under mine, I say “Sure!” He smiles at me, then asks me what I’m reading, in short at the end of that Sunday we exchanged the cell phones and the msn contacts. He was a guy so radically different from my colleagues that he left his mark, apart from the fact that he was very young and didn’t feel conditioned at all for this. I knew I would see him at most another time on the following Sunday, then I would have resumed work and it would all end there. I come back home at night, add his contact on msn, he’s online and we talk for three hours. In practice for the first time in my life I talk to someone who listens to me for non-professional reasons. The conversation is serious, not intrusive, it also intrigues me from this point of view.

He’s terribly direct, he says what it thinks even brutally and doesn’t forgive me any banality. I’m amazed at his intelligence and his ability to go all the way. He takes no more than a week to tell me that he’s gay, but he doesn’t make me the usual speech, like: “Now if you want, I can disappear from your life!”, no! Instead, he takes it for granted that I’m gay and tells me: “But I see that you threw it all on study and career”. No need to tell him that I was gay, he had understood it perfectly and also several other things. We chatted for hours and hours all week, he didn’t come to the sea the following Sunday but he had told me it before.

Seeing the group of his friends without him made me feel a terrible melancholy and I also told him and, as usual, he was not surprised, he just replied: “Well, I had expected it, but if you want we can meet tomorrow afternoon.” I told him that I leave work at 5.15 pm and then I go to a big supermarket outside the city to do some shopping. We went to the supermarket together. It was a beautiful afternoon, I was falling in love with that guy and he was not pulling back. The next week we went shopping again, but this time in the car he took my hand and for me it was something upsetting. He held my hand tight to make me feel that he was there and that he wanted to be there. Project, that’s how I started going into crisis.

I took him home without saying a word. Before getting out of the car he asked me: “Are you angry?” I replied: “No, but I’m worried!” And he: “Well that’s natural!” Then he pinched my cheek and went down. I was happy but a bit dazed, I would have never expected something like that.

In the following days he tells me about his impossible love stories and about the tremendous frustrations he had to endure and wants me to tell him about my impossible stories, then, as if it were obvious (maybe it was) he tells me he had masturbated thinking of me and he wants to know my reactions about this fact. I tell him I’m a little surprised, because I think he certainly has a lot of better fantasies to think about, but he asks me in a very direct way: “And you, did you masturbate thinking of me?” I try t digress but he says seemingly angry: “Answer me!” I tell him to yes, and he tells me he cannot stand my hypocritical attitudes. I feel a little uncomfortable but he doesn’t give me respite and tells me: “Do not pose as a victim! If you like it you like it!” I begin to be afraid that the relationship with this guy can be something that goes out of control. I tell him that he needs something else and that I don’t want to bind anyone, he gets angry, he tells me that I’m just a hypocrite and that he has thought about age, he’s not in love with me but he loves me, but for him I’m also an important person on a sexual level. I try to run away, I start to be really afraid of not understanding where the story is going to end.

In the following days we meet several times, I tell him a thousand times that I’m perplexed, that I’m too old but little by little we also create a minimum of physical contact, which if on one side sends me into ecstasy, for the other upsets me. He told me it cannot end this way and wants to be with me and I think it’s true. He told me and repeated that he had never been with anyone and wanted to know if it was the same for me, he concluded that there were no risks of any kind and that then in practice even a behavior at zero risk it would be enough for him. He tells me that when he is near me he feels very strong physical attraction.

Now we are at this point. What have I to do, Project? I cannot deny that I’m totally in love but the complications are many, he is very young, I don’t say it because I’m afraid that one day or the other he can go away, but because I don’t want to affect his life. I love him deeply because he is as I wanted to be and I have never been.

Project, I’m afraid of embarking on a business too big for me, which I think I cannot handle. If he were one of my peers, maybe in a slightly disengaged story I would have felt more at ease, but so, with a 20-year-old guy who is terribly smarter than I was at his age, I feel displaced. And if in two or three months I don’t feel like it? I cannot leave him half way. I really, now at least, I don’t feel the age difference too much as an obstacle, we have both reflected, then there is that speech of “I’m not in love with you but I love you” which means that I’m not really what he is looking for. Then that phrase he tried to dilute it, to devalue it, but he told me that he is not in love with me, but deep down I too don’t feel in love with him overwhelmingly and the fact is that I love him above all.

That I can be infatuated with a handsome guy 20 years old is already quite strange, but perhaps it is something that can be understood, but what can he find in someone like me? He can find as many guys as he wants a hundred times better than me, when he tried he got only refusals, but in the future he will know many guys. I wonder what he wants from me, that is exactly from me, because it seems to me that he cares a lot. Among other things, he has a dignity in his abrupt manner that so many of my colleagues would not even be able to conceive, they would call it naivety, because in our environment guys don’t even know what dignity is. But how does a 40-year-old take a crush like that for a 20-year-old guy? I feel really split in two but I know that I will have to decide. Project, but if I give in to him and also to myself, is not that I’m really doing something bad? I don’t say this on a moralistic level, but I have many doubts.

Alyosha answers: But what a very simple question! … As if you could do anything else. He told you that you were an hypocrite, but he used the wrong adjective, he would have had to say incoherent, because it’s clear that your reasoning goes in one direction and your whole body and your spirit in the other and the more your spirit comes close to him the more your reasoning becomes evanescent. I could also waste time giving you a thousand good reasons why you should say yes, but I’m intimately persuaded that while you wonder whether it is right or not, the main decision has already been made. A good old friend of mine said that the owl of Minerva begins its flight on the twilight, meant that the reflection and awareness of the movements that happen comes only at the end, when in fact those movements have concluded their work in the underground and the things that incubated in his womb are about to sprout. In short, the blooming, although it is the beginning of something completely new, is only seen at the end. See, you’ve already answered a thousand times. You answered yes when you stared intensely at him without literally being able to take your eyes off him, you said yes when he asked you to get under your umbrella, yes when he asked if he could give you his number, yes when his hand has begun to tighten yours and you will continue to say yes all the other times, for the simple reason that there is not even an alternative for you. So that’s why it’s worth turning the question to the contrary … Why not? So enjoy the moment, it couldn’t happen anything better. He has already colored your gray life full of mannequins with starched collars.

Nicomaco answers: I don’t think I’m the most suitable to give advice or make profound evaluations, because, despite having an age similar to yours, I have always lived among peers and I fell in love (when I fell in love) with peers or almost. .. (they are things that happen). Let me be clear: I’m not at all opposed to relationships of love between people so distant in age. Beautiful stories can be read in the Project. It seems to me, however, that some greater difficulties such relationships can create at the level of social acceptance (even in this forum, sometimes they have been mentioned). But I believe that the only way to overcome these difficulties depends on the awareness, the serenity and the determination with which a relationship of this kind is lived and the difficulties are faced together. And here is an element that struck me in your story. It seems to me that there is not much symmetry between feelings, emotions, desires and projects between you. On the other hand, symmetry seems essential to building a relationship of love. You are faced with an unexpected and disturbing situation, also because your life is very “structured”. You’re not in love with him, but you say you still loves him. He seems a lot smarter, less problematic, he told you that he is not in love with you, but that he loves you and that he is attracted physically. I can easily believe it because at 20 (if I think of my life) the “physical” (and hormonal) element has a considerable weight (as it should be). You wonder how he feels attracted to you but I would say that the question is a bit naive. There is no model of physical beauty that has in itself the magnet of attraction. Personally in the past I was struck (even from the point of view, so to say, “erotic”) by guys who you could consider nice, clever, whatever you want, but who weren’t beautiful according to widespread models. My impression is that if you really care about that guy, you and he still have to work on it for a while. And then I think a lot depends on what you want to do with this relationship. It may be that the situation become rebalanced and allows you to build a deep love relationship. But I think it takes time and you need a lot of patience. Or it may be that the balance could not achieved and then I would say that maybe you should be making a decision for him too.

pavloss answers: I will be short. If you, in the grip of your doubts and in order to return to your tasteless and odorless world, will say to that guy: “no, go away!”, You will spend the rest of your days repenting. When love knocks on our door, it can also be that we are not ready. But if we wait to be ready before it knocks, it will never knock.

ignis answers: Given that he is “terribly smart”, I think he would not have exposed himself if he hadn’t well evaluated all the situation. To encourage him to look for someone else seems to me the worst conclusion.

Yin-Yang replies: Hello! I read your post several times to understand all the mechanisms that haunt you, first of all the fear of falling and hurting you badly when the story will come to an end. Don’t forget, however, that it may even go differently and that the story could last longer than you hope or fear. At 40 you have a more mature vision of life but certainly more pessimistic because being gay at that age and not having a steady partner is equivalent to being alone forever … However you were lucky and you met someone who saw inside you better than you’ve ever done before. I don’t have much to say about it but my motto has always been “carpe diem” for this I dedicate to you this poem by Pablo Neruda:

“Die slowly

He who becomes the slave of habit,
who follows the same routes every day,
who never changes pace,
who does not risk and change the color of his clothes,
who does not speak and does not experience,
dies slowly.

He or she who shuns passion,
who prefers black on white,
dotting ones “it’s” rather than a bundle of emotions, the kind that make your eyes glimmer,
that turn a yawn into a smile,
that make the heart pound in the face of mistakes and feelings,
dies slowly.

He or she who does not turn things topsy-turvy,
who is unhappy at work,
who does not risk certainty for uncertainty,
to thus follow a dream,
those who do not forego sound advice at least once in their lives,
die slowly.

He who does not travel, who does not read,
who does not listen to music,
who does not find grace in himself,
she who does not find grace in herself,
dies slowly.

He who slowly destroys his own self-esteem,
who does not allow himself to be helped,
who spends days on end complaining about his own bad luck, about the rain that never stops,
dies slowly.

He or she who abandon a project before starting it, who fail to ask questions on subjects he doesn’t know,
he or she who don’t reply when they are asked something they do know,
die slowly.

Let’s try and avoid death in small doses,
reminding oneself that being alive requires an effort far greater than the simple fact of breathing.

Only a burning patience will lead
to the attainment of a splendid happiness.”

Good luck!!

____________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-doubts-of-a-gay-40-year-old

HOMOSEXUALIY ANXIETY AND SEXUAL EXPERIMENTS

With the author’s permission, I publish below a rather interesting email in which it is very clear what “sexual experiments” are and how they have only the appearance of sexuality and are instead expression of a more or less clear compulsiveness resulting from anxiety states.

Dear Project, allow me to use the word dear as I’m a loyal user of the site and the various articles published. This is not the first email that I send you, we already had some long talk, about a year ago, just this period. This said, I try to summarize again my experience in the shortest but still satisfactory way so that you can have a clear idea of my story.

I’m a guy 21 and a half year old, [-omissis-]. I have always been very shy and reserved, but at the same time also sociable. I started to masturbate very early, at about 8 to 9 years, always thinking about girls, I remember, digging in my memory, that at that time I tried to masturbate thinking about a friend of mine, but it happened just once, an isolated case that I have never repeated. Very often we masturbated in groups, two or even three of us, in front of a porn, but always each on their own, and touching each their own genitals. I distinctly remember that in that age I was not caught by any kind of curiosity and / or desire to touch or do things to my friends, but the only curiosity that pushed me was the fact that my classmates had an already quite developed apparatus, with hairs, and even with larger sizes than mine, and I envied them a bit and wanted to be like them. So up to 16 years and a half, about 17 years, everything went smoothly for me, with fantasies related exclusively to the other sex, desire exclusively to the other sex and so on.

However, despite my strong desire for women, at that age I still had not managed to have a girlfriend nor to give even the first kiss, and it weighed me a lot, also because all my courtship always failed, all inexorably, I was very fat, insecure, introverted, my best friends had already had sexual experiences, while I was practically at zero and it weighed me. It was at a time when this thing began to weigh heavily on me that I began to think “I’m probably gay”, “I’m gay, if I’m not good with girls, then I’m gay”. From this point on my mind has always been monopolized by this thought, I began to test myself by looking at other men, trying to masturbate thinking about the guys, in parallel I continued satisfactorily my masturbatory activity exclusively dedicated to girls, and at the same time I began to lose weight, to become pleasant, to have the first girls, the first kisses, the first sexual activities (not exactly sex, but petting, foreplay, in short, everything that goes from the kiss to the non-penetration of the vagina).

Meanwhile there were long periods, even 5 or 6 months, in which I could put aside my anxieties and my fixations about the possibility of being gay, and with this also all the forms of test I had devised etc. … The situation changed last summer, period when I began to contact you, because my experiments, performed during another fixation period, began to give positive result, i.e. I began to reach orgasm even trying to masturbate thinking of guys, perhaps the satisfaction was not the best, but I reached orgasm.

Nonetheless, even during this period my attentions, both emotional and visual, remained linked to the girls, their appearance, their behavior towards me, etc., in short, I never went looking for guys and when I met some guys I didn’t experience any excitement or erection, however, if I tried, I could reach the orgasm by masturbating thinking of any guy.

To this I have to add a dream, made one night, in which I dreamed of kissing a man and I had an erection. This convinced me of my homosexual orientation, however I continued to masturbate on girls, without absolutely being able to do without, I would say, days later I also made the same dream about a girl, and when in October I started again to attend university and started again to work, my fixation set completely aside, and mine heterosexuality was until May / June complete and satisfactory, in January and February I also had a very beautiful girl, with which unfortunately I went not beyond petting.

However, in this summer period these doubts, these fixations have resumed and I have resumed my experiments, up to masturbate completely (not exclusively) on guys, with relative satisfaction, sometimes yes, sometimes completely no, sometimes partial, during these masturbations my erection is not complete, but it’s partial, but the feeling of pleasure is there anyway.

At the same time I continue to enjoy a masturbation linked to the girls, which anyway, at least for the moment, gives me greater satisfaction. At present, however, when walking around the street, etc., I don’t find guys who attract me or who spontaneously cause me fantasies about them, or cause me erections, and at present I don’t have any spontaneous fantasies about guys, my masturbation about guys is currently just something I do to see if that side of me is there, or is not there, I do not know, I cannot explain it, but I don’t know, I have the feeling that I could do without it, if I had not this fixation about discovering that I’m gay.

On all this, the awareness of a lot of things, I gained lately, has a strong influence, such as for example the fact of not getting along very well with my father (although I love him anyway), or the fact that he is not really my model as a masculine figure, and that in my life I feel more inspired by my mother than by my father. I believe that anyway the male figure of reference of my life was my maternal grandfather, that I lost when I was still a child, I have some good example of my father to keep in front of me, but my relationship with my mother is much stronger, and this leads me to think that I may be gay, because my model is still a woman, and with my father I don’t get along so well. In some things I see myself in my mother and this thing makes me think that I’m gay.

Well I think I told you everything possible, although I was not very synthetic at the end, I hope you remembered me, since we got in contact last year, however, I keep a good memory of you and your availability. I would like you to answer me as soon as possible, as I am leaving in a few days, and I would like to leave with a slightly clearer mind, I would like to get your answers, and being able to have a nice chat with you on messenger. What I seek is clarity in order to understand myself, thanks for the attention you’ll reserve to me, I am infinitely grateful.

F.D.

The following is my answer.

Hello, I will try to answer you as directly as possible. From what you say it is quite clear that you have very little to do with homosexuality, I would be led to say that in practice there is nothing that makes me think you are homosexual.

Let’s start with a fundamental concept: masturbation is a sexual act in the true sense of the term, not when it ends up to ejaculation but when it is experienced in a sexually involving way, that is when it causes pleasure and when it is accompanied by projective sexual fantasies that anticipate situations that are strongly desired or recalls to memory situations actually lived and authentically rewarding.

I specify one thing: sexuality does not have as its object “men” or “women” as such but only a few, very few women and / or some very few men. In other words, every sexual activity is essentially dedicated to a single person or at most to a very small number of people. The guys who masturbate do it having in their mind the image, in general, of a single real person who arouses a concrete sexual interest. You say: “I didn’t look at the guys, nor seeing them provoked desire and / or erections, however I could, if I tried, reach the orgasm by masturbating on any guy.” Such masturbation “on any guy” and without a true previous sexual involvement, is not in fact a sexual act but has all the characteristics of a sexual experiment, typical of neuroses of anxious origin. If you have a straight sexuality, that from what you write seems absolutely dominant and I would say exclusive in spontaneous terms, there is no reason why you have to test yourself to the point of masturbating without a real sexual desire but only to test your hypothetical homosexual reactivity.

Behind these behaviors an anxiety disorder can be hidden. The fact that gay sex experiments are not always present but are limited to some periods would suggests that they may be motivated by tensions in heterosexual sexuality, as if you were trying to find another way a way of escape, but it is clear that you are not gay. It makes sense to say that these things are the result of an anxious disorder if and only your challenge with yourself about gay masturbation is for you a source of anguish, despair, unpleasant feelings, all things that don’t seem really happen in your case. Gay masturbation as a test certainly has a compulsive component but it seems a rather weak compulsion that doesn’t undermine the dominant heterosexual sexuality.

I don’t even think you are bisexual, but if there was a real gay component more or less weak, however, it would not be objectively a real problem and a little common sense would be enough to go on well anyway.

It does not seem to me that objectively this so-called compulsive disorder that leads you to test your sexuality through gay masturbation is really disturbing. I add that in you the emotional dimension of homosexuality is completely missing and the physical dimension of masturbation doesn’t really have anything sexual, not only, you have a very theoretical and stereotypical vision of homosexuality and tend to read your relationships with your parents as a proof of your hypothetical homosexuality, but this reasoning doesn’t make sense from any point of view. Summing up, what’s really gay about you? Basically nothing!

The compulsions that lead you to gay masturbation as a test actually you don’t even live them as real compulsions, you’re used to living with them, and are things that don’t make you objectively feel bad. Could you do without gay masturbation? Frankly, I think so and this in fact also empties the concept of compulsiveness. Compulsion means feeling forced to do something, but if you can safely do without it, compulsiveness does not even exist. Frankly, I think this attempt to explore gay sexuality is an attempt to escape from a straight sexuality that sometimes must not have been fully satisfactory. As for the possibility of talking through msn, I think you already have my contact. You can call me whenever you want, even if you don’t see me online.

Project

____________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-homosexualiy-anxiety-and-sexual-experiments

GAY SEX AND SENSE OF DOMINATION AND INTRUSION

Hello Project, I am a 26 year old guy and I live in a big city in the north, I’m writing to you because for some time now, let’s say about three years, I’m starting to think that I will never have a life with a guy, because I don’t feel suitable for a married life. I tried, but practically in all cases I ended up betraying my boyfriend of the time. I was engaged with one but then I came to have sex with other guys and at the end I felt very bad. The very few times I fell in love, or maybe I should say the only time, I felt just a shit, for me it was a very important thing and instead I was treated like a punching bag and now, after several attempts, all ended badly for my fault, I am beginning to look for easy sex even with strangers and sometimes even at risk, rather it is as if the risk attracted me and made me forget any prudence, a kind of challenge with myself. I know very well that the risk is real but I end up taking it as a bet and I have to say I’m not scared. 
 
Don’t tell me that this is a stupid behavior, I know it from myself, but it is that when I am there, in the end I don’t hold back. It happened several times, especially a few years ago, now much less because maybe if it is to meet them in person I prefer guys I think I can trust, maybe they would tell me if they have behaved at risk, even if they trust me too, and doing so they are deceiving themselves, because I have run my risks many times. Now, let’s say that I risk less because I use a lot of sex on cam, in practice we masturbate in chat with guys I catch in the chat, first of all it is not dangerous for health, and it is not a trivial matter, but there is other. Many people have sex on cam, it is at zero risk, and all in all it would not create particular problems, but for me things are different because I use sex in chat to feel a sense of domination over the guys I meet, to bring them to doing things that they wouldn’t like to do and are things that I’m very ashamed of.
 
I’ll give you an example, I almost always choose guys who are in pairs, I contact a guy, then I propose to him a masturbation on cam, he agrees and then I ask him to tell me, before starting, about his boyfriend, to tell me how he has it, what they do together etc. etc. and then I ask him for a picture of his boyfriend and in general, at this point the guys make a lot of stories at the beginning, but then they give me the pictures and they also send me videos of when they have sex with their boyfriends. Other times when we are chatting, I want the guy to call his boyfriend on the phone so that I can see him while having sex on the phone with his boyfriend, while he sees me masturbating.
 
This is more or less the picture, Project, I understand from myself that there is something that does not work. It excites me a lot to slowly bring the guys to give up and do things that at first they don’t want to do, it’s like I have a power over them and then there’s something that scares me a lot, I do not have sex with these guys because I fell in love or I got a crush on them, I don’t care about them, I like having sex and especially knowing that I can have a power over them.
 
At other times it is as if I wanted to intrude in the intimate affairs of the guys I contact, as if I wanted to put myself between them and their boyfriends, as if I wanted to take advantage of my charm to put them in crisis. I also have some friends with whom I have had and I still have sex sometimes, I don’t know if they know me deeply but I don’t believe so, that is, they wouldn’t expect me to behave like I really behave.
 
Project, I read in the forum about sex as tenderness, well, I just cannot think of such a thing, for me sex is just sex and it’s very important because it gives me power over other guys and makes me feel dominator. I talked about these things with a friend of mine with whom I had a story, according to my opinion just a sex story or a story mostly sexual, and according to his one, perhaps, even a story with a real feeling.
 
With him I had never come to do the filth that I did and still I do with others, but I had led him get used to live sex freely and I thought I had really dominated him, in the sense that he never said no to me. Well, now I talked with him about these things, that is, about sex as a way of dominating people, and he told me that he never felt dominated and didn’t even think that he was the dominator, these ideas of power over the partner never crossed his mind,  talking to me he put me in crisis, because I cannot fall in love with anyone and I think that a guy would never be enough for me.
 
With this friend of mine I talk about everything, especially about sex, about what I do with the other guys, let’s say I would like to be able to excite him this way, especially because I would feel like I have a power over him, but he tells me that he always assumed that I had my sex life and he loves me as I am, because I’m a fundamental person for him. When he says these things on the phone I close the conversation because I don’t want to build something that has a true emotional basis, I’m worried about these things, and to be honest to the end, this friend of mine, for me, is not really the maximum of the sexual attraction.
 
What should I do to have a normal sex life? First of all to put aside the whole idea of accepting the risk that instead fascinates me, I don’t know, perhaps for some self-destructive drive, and then how to live sex in a normal way? Without the idea of domination, without having to enter the intimate life of the guys who masturbate on cam with me. They are tempted by me because they are quite nice guys, and they end up doing what they don’t want by putting their boyfriends in crisis and then they feel the guilt and finally I unload them. Why cannot I fall in love with anyone? Why cannot I have a “normal” wank on cam? Sometimes I hate myself but I don’t know how to get out of it. What do you think, Project?
 
 Below you can read my answer.
 
After reading your email carefully I sent you my skype contact, I had sketched an answer and waited to finish it before posting. Then last night you added me on skype and we talked for a long time. Well, I deleted the response I had prepared and I began to prepare a new answer, not because there was something to add to what we said on Skype, but because it could also be useful to many other guys.
 
As I told you yesterday, talking to you directly I found many elements of reflection that don’t emerge from the email. First of all, you have an attention towards your friends that leads you to not have sex with them if you are not sure, by the response of the test, that you cannot infect them with hiv. Now you don’t have 100% certainty and therefore no sex with them, because you don’t want to expose to any risk people who love you. A reasoning of this kind is high-profile and suggests that you have a rational control of your actions. But the fact remains that you tend to postpone the test over time, which doesn’t make sense, because you have to think about your health and if you have even the slightest doubt you don’t have to postpone the test for any reason.
 
I noticed that you tend to devalue yourself and say that your fate doesn’t matter at all because all those with whom you have been, finally kicked you out, but things are not like that at all, from what you told me, you have friends who are very interested in you and make you understand it and on the other hand you too love these friends to the point of not having sex with them when you feel like it, if you think there can be even a minimum risk.
 
It seems as if you are looking for sex as a substitute for affectivity and at the same time that you try to consider sex as something that is as far away as possible from affectivity. You are afraid to build a stable couple life, it is as if you try to exorcise this eventuality looking for guys with whom to have very superficial contacts and above all trying to see in the sex a means of domination, as if it were a compensation to the lack of affection.
 
Speaking with you last night made sense and it was evident, it was a very serious and very real dialogue, nothing to do with the talks that I do with guys who have now created a real dependence on sex. You accuse yourself of treason, ok, it happened, so what? Is it established that because it happened, maybe more than once, it will always be so? And then, from what you said, I had the impression that you put yourself in couple with another guy almost always to exorcise the emotional loneliness. At the beginning it worked but later it didn’t work anymore and then keeping faithful to a relationship in which you can no longer believe, it is difficult and it is also difficult to interrupt that relationship.
 
I think you have enormous potential for emotional life, which doesn’t necessarily and up in a stable pair, for example with your friends you live non-superficial affective relationships, with a little sex when it happens, but these are not banalities and it can be seen from the fact that such relationships last over the years and from the fact that you have esteem of those guys and you also feel affection for them.
 
Sex attracts you, well, it seems obvious to me, it is one of the most powerful forces of life, in all this there is nothing absurd. In all this there is nothing strange or bad, the harm is the damage that is done to another person, for example putting in crisis guys in the chat, pushing them to do things they don’t want to do. However, I repeat it, it happened, and now we need to look forward. I believe you can have a happy life and I think your friends really care about you. You have no boyfriend? Well, it doesn’t do anything, you can live well anyway, however, I beg you especially of one thing: do the test without postponing it, so you can eliminate the worm of doubt that works in your brain, and then always use a condom, it must become a mental automatism because you don’t have to put yourself at risk.
 
You say that oral sex with condom makes no sense, I understand that it may seem very strange but taking serious risks for not using condoms would be a real folly and then, if you’re with a guy and you think of having a moment of intimacy, well, mutual masturbation is not dangerous if there is no contact between the sperm or the pre-spermatic liquid of one guy and the other guy’s mucosa, I mean that also this is really sex and can be very rewarding, if lived in an emotional atmosphere, so it is not really worth taking risks with oral sex without protection. In short, it is not by making fatalistic speeches that you can avoid substantial risks but by using the brain first. Don’t throw yourself off with guilt, and look ahead, you are a person of value who did something that he didn’t have to do, but don’t feel like a black sheep, in the closed closet of many people there are memories of much heavier episodes than those to whom you refer, then: turn the page and look forward with optimism!
___________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-sex-and-sense-of-domination-and-intrusion

GAY SEXUAL BEHAVIORS

I apologize to Daniel who has probably felt neglect, what is absolutely far from my intentions.

Hello Daniel, because of the breakup of my computer (and the fact that I don’t open too much frequently my email account on the msn site), I read only today your message of April 7th. I sent you an email to apologize. I published below your email with the whole post you sent to me so kindly. I thank you very much for your trust.
____

Hello Project, finally I decided! After thinking about a lot I was leaving everything go for the umpteenth time but instead I’m here and now I’ll try to write even if it makes a very strange impression to me, if nothing else because I don’t know you in person even if things you are doing seem to me serious, and I would also say very serious. That’s why I’m writing to you. I didn’t write a post for you to post in the forum or on your gay sites, I send you a few pages of my diary instead. I have always wondered if there are other guys who have lived the same experiences I have lived, it is obvious that they are there, but I wonder if they reacted the same way I have reacted. Maybe I’m not able to give things the right value. I would pray you to publish these pages (if they don’t seem a bit ‘too rough) on the site msn, even on others and on the forum if you like, but on the site msn I would particularly like. I greet you and hug you! Daniel (my contact is: [omissis])

DIARY

Wednesday

A nightmare day! They sent me around the city all day: do this, do that! Go up, go down! In short, I am the servant of all. I’m a worthless guy, all right, but a bit of education is needed in any case, but why have you to clean your feet on me? It’s people that just sucks, I have to keep good relationships with them because if not, where do I go? The boss shows at least a bit of respect, but the others are really squalid people.
This morning a strange thing happened at the post office, they changed the employee of the packages and put there a young guy, he looked like a kid and today he has been very kind with me. Anyway it’s a little consolation on a shitty day.

Thursday

I worked little today. I’m tired of doing anything. There is a new guy who works with me, but he is not even passable, he would not be ugly but is clumsy, you tell him one thing and he understands another, sometimes I cannot even understand exactly what he says, he talks strange, I don’t know, anyway he wouldn’t be really bad, but he doesn’t really attract me, let’s say he’s not unpleasant, he tries to talk with me but he wears something similar to a wedding ring, so I think he has a girl.

Friday

What a stress! Today the boss came, or better the owner, but I have not even seen him. The manager was in total agitation, he’s probably more than 40 years old but behaves like a kid with the owner, from what I saw, if the boss asked him to go to bed with him, he would say: “ok, boss!”
Then I saw for a moment the guy at the post office counter, who’s really a nice guy, not anything exceptional but very nice, he perhaps attracts me at least a little bit, but we have only exchanged a smile.
At home I quarreled badly with mum, she’s too much interested in my business and I cannot stand it! My father doesn’t do such things, it would not pass by his head, but she is nosy and then what is she looking for? And it makes me angry when she says it’s not true. I put things in a certain order and I always find them in another way.
Anyway for her part any rummaging is useless, my important things are all in the computer under passwords and there nobody can spy, nobody! Today I had to go and get a pizza with Laurence and Luke, but obviously they didn’t remember it, because they have other things to do, they can’t give up the girl to be with me! All right, they say we’re friends! But friends of what?

Saturday

What a horror Saturday and Sunday. I can only wait for Monday. Friends have a lot of things to do, I don’t! I’m here at home, and what am I doing? Luckily there is internet, but internet is also boring at the end, yes, at least a bit of sex, but it’s all false, I don’t say that it disgusts me, indeed! But at the end beyond a good wank you don’t go anyway, at least as I see it, because I don’t want to be involved in problems of any kind, not even on a psychological level, I hate all that chitchatting, I think, because I don’t know how does it work. A beautiful site is [omissis] indeed it is really nice, but even this website I don’t say that it’s boring, a little I look at it (and more than a bit) but in the end what do I need when I go there? I download a little bit, yes, just on a physiological level, damn but it’s not enough for me, it’s not enough for me anymore! I want a real guy, I want to devote myself to him with all my strength, I can really make a guy happy, but I don’t have a real guy!

Sunday

Lunch at my uncle’s home. At least I ate well. My uncle, in my opinion, thinks that I can get together with Martina [his daughter]. But I think that such a thing didn’t even cross Martina’s head! Luckily! Otherwise I would have to keep at distance! I had been proposed to enroll in a gym, you know how many beautiful guys to see! But I will never go there! Tomorrow I have to go to work. Ugh! I’m very tired of my job! Now I’m going a bit on the usual site, so my eyes can enjoy.

Monday

Today a very strange thing happened, that is not so strange, but is something that came to my mind and doesn’t go away, the guy from the post office smiled at me in a way that could only have a particular meaning. Now I know his name: “Mauro M.” because it’s written on the identification tag he wears around his neck. He started looking for a package sent from my company that was lost and it took more than half an hour to find it but at the end he managed to find it, I followed the whole operation and I was able to observe him closely. It’s really cute, not beautiful but sweet, in short, I would not have gone away anymore. When he found what happened to the package he looked at me straight in the eyes and smiled at me, as if to say: I did it for you! I’ve been thinking about it all day, I guess I’m falling in love.

Tuesday

I told Mauro for a few minutes, he gave me the cell phone number and I gave him mine, we’re going to get a pizza tonight. Who knows what can come out of it? I have to take a nice shower and I have to shave well. Nothing will happen, I know, but if it happens I want to be prepared. He’s gay!!! How beautiful! How beautiful! How beautiful! What a beautiful evening, how sweet, how much I would cuddle him, damn I would have eaten him with kisses and then I really like him because he has not the fixed idea of sex, we were talking in the car, just talking, two gays in the car who keep just talking, it means that he is not one of the usual ones, he has caressed my hand and I was about to die looking at him in the eyes. I felt charged to the nth degree, I thought he would take a step further but it didn’t happen. He told me that he only had had two boys but they both got rid of him because in sex they wanted to do just what they wanted and he felt instrumentalized and tried to make them understand it but they didn’t want to know. But I say: you find a guy like Mauro, but how do you get stuck on things of sex? If you love each other at the end a balance can be found. Poor fellow! I think he felt really bad. With me nothing like that would have happened, I told him so, and he just smiled and kissed me, but slightly. Mauro! How can I not jump on you?

– omissis –

The following week.

Tuesday

With Mauro we have made so much progress, now we kiss just as it should be done, in short, an involving thing on a sexual level, but he also made me a speech a bit strange. He told me what he would like to do with me. Up until a certain point I found myself in his words, but then he asked me if I would have accepted to be passive and said that “that is a great test of love”. This thing gave me a bit annoyance. I told him that I never had had such fantasies and he told me that he felt completely active, then he downplayed and tried to change the subject.
Okay that he can also have different fantasies from mine, but now he puts me in crisis, I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t even want to do things that I don’t like. And then I don’t understand one thing: Marcello, who was gay at the highest level, didn’t have these fantasies, that didn’t even pass through the antechamber of his brain. He had his particularities on many other things, but in things of sex I found myself quite well with him. Mah! This creates problems for me. But why should I do things that I don’t like in order to make Mauro happy? And then there is also the problem of the risk, because in those things there is a risk of AIDS, all right, with condoms it is much less, but it is not even that, mah! But maybe he said so just to say and perhaps he will not even insist, because in fact it could all be fake problems and maybe for him it’s not even an important thing, but from what he said it didn’t seem so.

Wednesday

Damn, tonight he was so cuddly, sweet, but also a bit too insistent. One thing leaves me a bit perplexed: we just kiss, I tried to go further but he stopped me and told me that with me he wants a “complete” thing, i.e. in practice he wants to penetrate me, otherwise nothing! In a sense, for a while, it seemed to me like an emotional blackmail, as if to say to me: either do as I say or you go away. In the end he ripped off me a half-positive reply. Saturday night we go to his house by the sea. I wonder if I’m doing well. It is true that he calls me ten times a day and tells me very tender things, he tells me that he only thinks of me from morning to night and that he masturbates thinking of me but he has not asked me if I do the same. But he insists too much on that other thing. Mah ! And then what can I do? I cannot talk with anyone about anything like this.

Sunday morning

Today I didn’t like Mauro too much. When I made love with Marcello, it was all in par, there were no roles of any kind, with Mauro (who is also a nice guy and naked is much better than dressed) I feel like if between us there was nothing really shared. He thinks only of his wishes and I have just to undergo his wishes. I endured everything, but the idea that having sex that way was really disgusting for me, didn’t even touch him, he didn’t understand, or maybe he did not give a damn to it.
I suffered everything and I thought that, after, perhaps we would have exchanged the roles because the thing for me was completely unnatural and repellent, or that there would have had some sex like the one I had with Marcello, that was true sex really shared and lived in two, at par, a thing in which you think about how to make him feel good and don’t even think about yourself, and instead nothing, when he ended doing what he wanted, he didn’t really think about it.
I say, I’m there too! But how can you not notice it? He used me; that I’m a guy like him, he didn’t even notice it, I was just his inflatable doll. Mah! Thinking about these things I also have scruples because maybe from his point of view everything is different and I’m doing the problem too big for things that in the end are not even a tragedy in the sense that one, at the limit … but then why? I don’t know what to think. Tomorrow I will try to talk to him.
I send him a text message a bit affectionate, but yes, like those he always sends me. He doesn’t answer, I send him three text messages and he doesn’t answer me, he never did that, I don’t know what to think. Mauro calls me and tells me that I treated him badly, that I don’t love him because I tried in every way to make him uncomfortable for the fact that he had asked me to be passive and I ended up consoling him and telling him that I love him madly. Not to madness, but that I love him it’s true.

After a week.

Monday

He definitely dumped me. We ended up in bed five times in six days, I ended up doing what he wanted, but he also wanted me to pretend to have fun, no! This seemed too much to me and I tried to talk seriously with him about it. I told him that at least I would have wanted a little attention on his part because after all I’m a guy too, he told me that he doesn’t act as a passive because he doesn’t like it, I told him that I was not referring to such things, he replied that if I wanted to be masturbated I could do it alone, he got angry and started to raise his voice, then he calmed down and apologized but I left. Now, somehow, I’m missing him but I finally feel free again. Anyway I miss him very much.

Tuesday

Yesterday I saw Marcello and told him the story. He knows Mauro. Mauro also tried with him with the same technique, but he sent him to hell. Great Marcello! (But why am I always the most stupid of the situation?) He told me that Mauro always does this and that he has already done it with a lot of guys. At least now I have clear ideas. But how did I listen to such a fellow? And now whom do I think of when I masturbate? Well, there is always internet, luckily at least in front of the screen I can be myself!

__________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-sexual-behaviors

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GAY

Hello Project, I am writing to push you to go on with “gay project” because I’m convinced, and I know it because I have experienced it in first person, that it is a fundamental tool of sex education, in practice the only tool in network that allows gay boys to have serious answers on many things that they couldn’t face anywhere else. 
 
I’ll tell you my story (I wrote you a long time ago and we talked through msn), if you want, publish this email, I think it would make sense because I believe that many guys have gone through similar things to what I’ve been through.
 
I am 25 years old, I’m not really young but I can tell you that I’m only now learning to appreciate the fact that I’m gay and to live homosexuality in another way. I’m from the computer generation and I’m an only child, among other things a child of elderly parents, my father is almost 70 years old and my mother is a bit under 60. Of my parents I can only say well. In my house I’ve always felt at ease.
 
My parents worried about me but they always left me substantial freedom. At 19 I was traveling around Europe in a tent with my friends, they never anguished me with the classic questions like “do you have a girlfriend?” or similar, with them the topic of sex was always taboo, it’s like if they had in mind that they had to stay apart from those things and up to a certain point I agree with them.
 
I had already my pc when I was 14 and I fiddled around a lot. My parents a little because of their mentality, according to which they would never go rummaging through my things, and a little because they don’t understand anything about computers, they would certainly never enter my computer and I used it at the beginning only for school and I didn’t even put a password, then, driven mainly by the stories of my classmates, I started to search, on google, words like sex, pussy, and the like. What comes after you can imagine it.
 
I saved the sites and then I thought it’s risky and I studied how to put the password, I spent two hours to understand how to do but then I succeeded. I had just turned 14. I waited for dad and mom to go to bed and then: sex without brakes! Endless masturbations on straight photos and videos, that is with a boy and a girl, up to high night, but all apparently strictly in a straight key.
 
I say this because now I know it very well, a straight porn can be very interesting also for a gay boy, because there is not only the girl, but at that time I didn’t come to this kind of reasoning, for me if there was a girl on the video, the video was straight and therefore I was fine and I felt allowed to use it.
 
For a few days it went on like this, I felt like a “man” because I was thinking about sex, in the morning, at school, I was so dazed that I fell asleep in class. I arrived to masturbate three or four times a day. In practice, pornography monopolized me completely, I had reached the point that my penis hurt and I thought I had created problems only by insisting too much, but fortunately it was not so.
 
I was a bit succubus of these things and a little I began to think that it was too much and it could compromise my health and then I began to reduce the number of masturbations but at the same time I wanted them to be a powerful thing and then I chose with care the photos or the porn to use, even if at that time the porn was very short.
 
A lot of times I ended up in sites that became impossible to close and I had to close everything turning off the computer, there was no ADSL, and there was the risk of the dialer, that loaded the bill with high figures, but fortunately I have never stumbled on such things, then since I knew that with the ADSL there was no risk of the dialer, I did change my subscription and I put the ADSL, at least from that point of view I was safe.
 
I had just turned 15 and I had noticed one thing, that is, that even if I masturbated using hetero porn sites, in fact, I wasn’t interested at all in girls, and without internet, when I tried to go only with my fantasy on the girls, I didn’t even get a hard-on. I remember that at the time I was very worried, I went to read articles on impotence and I seemed to have all the ills of the world.
 
Then something happened that really upset me. At school, my class was almost entirely male and we were a lot, we did gymnastics without girls at the first two hours, the girls did it with the other girls in the afternoon.
 
At the end of the second year, at the beginning of May, the teacher tells us that the following Monday he would have taken us to the municipal stadium of athletics and tells us “Bring everything with you, even soap, shampoo and towel because at the stadium there are the showers”. At school, on the other hand, there was nothing but a football pitch and a gym, but still with all the wooden tools attached to the walls, like many years ago.
 
The following Monday arrives, well let’s say that it really changed my life. There were not only my classmates but also the older boys of the fourth and fifth (18-19 y. o.).
 
The showers were huge and in the locker room there was a go and come of naked guys, and immediately I had an erection that I couldn’t hold back. Obviously I didn’t take a shower, I was not really in a possible condition, I was the first one to enter the locker room and the last one to get out of it, then at the end of the morning, when I saw someone who went back to the showers, I rushed there and came out after the last of my classmates. Luckily I had the shoulder bag, and instead of putting it on my shoulders I put it on my neck so that it would fall on the front to cover the erection. In practice I had no more doubts, I was not yet 16 years old.
 
Since that day I no longer used straight porn sites, now I felt completely gay. I have to say that I had no problem accepting it, because it was absolutely natural for me and, even without porn, I masturbated easily using fancy, I was fine because the memory of the morning at the stadium was and still is one of my fixed sexual fantasies.
 
Here begins the second part of the story and perhaps the most unpleasant. I had just started to surf gay sites, and many things seemed to fit perfectly with my way of fantasizing about the guys: caressing, hugging, kissing, and wanting to see and touch the other boy’s intimate parts and also let him do exactly the same, all this didn’t create any problems, and spontaneously I had already thought many times even about mutual masturbation, after the famous morning at the stadium.
 
As for the oral sex, ok, it was never a spontaneous thing, but in a sense I told myself that in fact I would have done it on both sides, but many porn videos, practically all, went on with the penetration and frankly it was something that not only had never crossed my mind but sincerely seemed repellent to me, not for a matter of moralism but I just could not conceive of it.
 
The idea of oral sex was a different thing, not spontaneous, but in the end it was possible also for me, but I considered the penetration something extraneous, both on one side or the other. From here I began to wonder if I was really gay,
 
so many jokes about gays alluded to that thing, in porn it was a frequent thing, not really always present but very present (99%). I began to make a selection of videos by eliminating all those that ended up with the penetration and saving everyone else, and then I saw only those that I had saved because I felt them more suitable for me. Then I began to reflect almost obsessively about the fact that I was immature, because I read that when gay guys say “complete intercourse” they allude to anal penetration and I told myself that if there is to be forced, I don’t like it, it is a sign that I’m not really gay, but so what am I?
 
I am one who prefers to stop at an incomplete thing and therefore am I afraid of true gay sex? I tried to masturbate forcing myself to fantasies on the anal penetration but I felt it just like something completely extraneous. This fact for me was very conditioning, in practice even if I had friends who I thought were gay I had never even tried to break the ice and to every attempt on their part I replied in a very cold way because I didn’t feel fully gay and I thought that it would not work anyway, that maybe I would have to adapt, what I did not like at all. Then I ended up on your blog, and there was a link to the novel “Andy”. I was intrigued and I started to read and the more I went on the more I liked it, the text was censored but nevertheless was still understandable. I said to myself: “You have just to wait and these guys too will end up there! (I meant to anal penetration)”. I arrive at the end of chapter 3 and read this passage:
 
– Mark, but you stay with me just to look me in the eyes and to prepare breakfast for me?
– No, not just for that.
– And what else? Say that! Don’t feel conditioned!
– Well, also because I’d like to have sex with you!
– Oh! Finally! And what does it mean for you to have sex with me?
– Well, you know!
– No, I do not know, you must tell me!
– Come on, don’t embarrass me!
– But if you feel embarrassed for this, tonight, I think, we will have very little sex! Come on! Tell me what you’d like to do! Come on, do not make a fuss! [… omissis … (Andy tries in any way to induce Mark to confess what his sexual fantasies are, what he would like to do with Andy.) Mark reticent, at first, then, always using a language that is not directly sexual, talks about his fantasies, but the list of sexual fantasies of Mark is very short.)]
– And then? –
– That’s all!
– No, tell it all without hypocrisy!
– No! That’s really all!
– No! It’s not true, tell all the story!
– No! it’s totally true!
– What did you say?
– Nothing else! finished! There is nothing more!
– Don’t be ashamed, Mark, and the rest?
– There is nothing to add!
– What does nothing mean?
– It means that I don’t like sex from behind. . . how have I to tell you?
– Are you teasing me?
– No! That’s exactly so, if it’s not fit for you I’m sorry, I could also try to adapt but it doesn’t come naturally to me, it would seem to me a forced thing, in my fantasies these things have never existed.
 
Andy became more serious.
 
– Are you sure, Puppy?
– Certainly, keep calm! I know my fantasies well, but why are you grimacing that way?
– Because it never even crossed my brain.
– Don’t make me worry, Andy, tell me the truth!
– I swear, I never thought of making love that way, it’s an idea that has never even touched me.
– Andy, don’t make fun of me on these things, they’re too important!
– No, Puppy, it’s all true! When I looked at porn movies and arrived at that point I closed the video …
– Damn! Is it possible? We are similar also from this point of view!
 
Project, I swear to you that the reading of this passage has really sent my heart to a thousand. So I told myself: “There’s a gay novel about two gay guys who have the same idea of gay sex that I have! And they are gay, they are the protagonists of a novel where there is written: “gay novel”.
 
So I wrote to you, maybe you’ll still remember it, I was “Maybegay”, we talked through msn and you told me that the story of “Andy” is a true story. I didn’t even tell you why I was so interested, maybe you’ll remember, I asked you if you think Andy and Mark are really 100% gay and you were puzzled and you told me: “But why? Can you be more gay than that?”
 
By now I had understood that gays “my way” not only exist but maybe they are not rare, but I had the idea that I would never have found a guy like me, with my way of seeing the things of sex, gays of this type could also exist but I would never have found one.
 
After some time I met a guy at university, we studied together, he didn’t have a girlfriend, he didn’t talk about girls and I saw that he really cared about me, but I didn’t have the courage to break the ice. Fortunately it was he the one who did it, I, on the contrary, with my usual doubts, avoided doing even the slightest step forward, at the end we explicitly said to each other that we were gay and that we liked each other. I told him though that to have sex with me he would have to do two things, I told him: “The first is the aids test” and he told me: “Ok! No problem, I’ve never been with anyone! And the second?” I replied: “You must first read a novel and you must tell me what you think about it, ok?” He said to me:” Of course! Which one?” And I gave him the link to “Andy”, he read it in two days and then we met again. I was very anxious and I asked him: “What do you think of the novel?” He told me: “It’s beautiful! One of the most beautiful things I have read!” I asked him:” But do you think Mark and Andy are gay?” He replied: “If they are not, I don’t know who could be gay!”
 
And I told him : “But they do not have sex from behind.” He looked at me puzzled and told me: “But for you it is so fundamental?” I replied “No, and for you?” He didn’t know what to say, then he said:  “If I must be honest I never understood what people find there. I see it as a something forced, it’s something that never came to my mind.” I told him he had lifted me from a heavy weight and that now we just lacked the test, then I asked him if he felt 100% gay or maybe he felt gay only up to a certain point. He looked at me right in eyes and said: “But who put all these stupid things in your head? Of course I feel 100% gay! Who considers anal penetration as a fundamental thing can do what he wants, it’s his business, do you think perhaps that I have to feel less gay for this? But it would be just absurd!”
 
Well, he’s been my boyfriend for quite a few months now, sex with him is wonderful, but we don’t really think too much about it. We have to finish our studies and find a job in order to live together, because our dream is that. Now, Project, of this email, do whatever you want, but know that “Andy” made me and my boyfriend happy. I’m very grateful to Gay Project. Even my boyfriend has read this mail and we send it to you together. There are many people who love you even if they don’t know you in person.
__________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-one-hundred-percent-gay

GAY THEMED OCD AND NAKEDNESS AT THE GYM

The following email is a particularly important document, it is not about a gay guy, but about a straight guy with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) characterized by the obsessive fear of being gay. Guys with gay-themed OCD submit compulsively to tests of erection in environments or situations of gay interest, and/or to tests of masturbation with gay fantasies, in order to determine their sexual orientation. Obviously for these guys the climate of the locker room of a gym is generally strongly anxiety-inducing. The hetero guy who wrote the email, very well followed at a psychological level and now about to exit OCD, has begun to attend the gym and the relative locker room and has managed to have, even in that environment, an excellent control of anxiety.

“Hello everyone! I have not written for some time, lately I’m quite absent from the forum, even if I’m in chat almost every night. Many times, in recent years, I happened to feel bad and I came to the forum to open a topic and ask for help and some advice on how to get out of the black moments. This time, however, the situation is opposite, I’m writing to you because I’m finally beginning to understand and accept myself for what I’m, a straight guy, without asking myself too many questions, without making too many problems. My self-esteem has greatly increased, both thanks to psychotherapy, where I put into practice with all my will the therapeutic strategies of my psychologist (I must thank him too, because without him I would never understood the mechanisms and automatisms of thought that had almost taken control of my mind, settling themselves within me), and thanks to my openness to experiences, where I also made many mistakes, but I learned from them.

Unfortunately, today I still suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I don’t deny that when I’m anxious, negative thoughts start to burst and this sometimes makes me very nervous. But the positive thing is that I finally recognized this automatism, and when the thoughts arrive I try to accept them for what they are, that is “thoughts”, as the word just says, which are images, words that are not real in that moment. The fact is that the thoughts provoke emotions, positive, if the thought concerns a beautiful thing and obviously, they cause negative emotions if the thought is negative. I now try to tolerate them, because I’m aware that a thought is a just a thought, and cannot represent reality. I take my life as it comes, with the positive and negative sides, and I try not to make a drama if someone tells me something rude. The negative thoughts are for me (but I think for everyone) a wake-up call, for example if I’m doing something and I start to fell anxious and I negative thoughts appear it means that I don’t really want to do it. I must thank these thoughts, I must thank the anxiety, which on one hand made me suffer like a dog, but on the other made me understand that the life I did until a few months ago, didn’t belong to me, I acted a character that I was not, and I did things I didn’t really want to do.

My life is changing, and positively, of course I have my black moments (like everyone) but I’m beginning to manage them effectively, and above all I try not to emphasize certain situations, which in reality are nonsense. I‘m becoming more elastic mentally, I accept my parents for what they are, I don’t judge them, even if they have judged me in the past, but in my heart I have forgiven them.

I am beginning to listen to myself, my real needs, my body, my sexual drives, I accept all this as normal things. When I’m among the people, I feel like them, neither superior nor inferior. In the past I tended to feel inferior, I judged myself as an incapable, a clumsy. Today when I talk to a person I look at that person straight in the eyes, sure of myself, I pronounce the words well when I speak, I feel at the same level. I don’t judge myself negatively if I don’t have any real friend yet, with whom I could go out on Saturday night.

I always say to myself that everything has its own time and that I must not be in a hurry. Already the fact that I can interact with people and especially with my peers (before I was afraid of my peers), is a big step forward for me and I’m happy for it. I’m sure that if I keep going on this way, showing myself for what I am (and I’m not just talking about my sexual orientation, but I mean everything), I’ll finally be able to find people who have the same sensitivity and with whom I can share good moments. I can finally see the positive aspects of life and I dwell on them, and when I can overcome my fears, I congratulate myself.

A month ago I joined the gym to improve my body and my mood. When I’m there I feel at home, it’s a beautiful environment, there are many quiet guys (and also very nice!) And sometimes I exchange a few words with them. The first few times, I didn’t want to take a shower there, I preferred to do it at home, because I was afraid of having an erection watching other naked guys, then a few weeks ago I decided to overcome this other fear of mine. This morning after the training I took a shower there, before entering the locker room I had a little anxiety, then I took courage and I entered. I started to undress, I took the bathrobe and the bubble bath and went in the shower. After the shower I went to put the underwear clean, to dress, dry my hair etc. etc., in short, all things that normally people do after physical exercises. But all this (apart from the initial anxiety) was accompanied by a sense of absolute freedom, I saw other naked guys and I felt a bit of sexual excitement, but only psychological, in the sense that physically I didn’t have erections.

But if I had had an erection, of course, I would have felt embarrassed, but just because I’m accepting sexuality for what it is, I would not have made many problems. While I was taking a shower and soaping my body and hair, I felt free from all fear, I felt the warm water on my body sliding slowly, the perfume of the bubble bath, the steam that surrounded me. I really relaxed and felt so natural, I was naked along with other naked guys, doing normal things, free from any negative thinking and from any worries. I was so at ease that I was a lot of time in the locker room, I did everything calmly, because there were a few guys, sometimes with the corner of the eye I looked at some penises but I’m very prudent and no one noticed it!

Then, when I was almost completely dressed, a gentleman of about 40 (maybe even less) entered, a sculpted and attractive physique. Even before, when I was doing the exercises in the gym, he had glanced at me and I had returned the glance, then in the locker room he started chatting: “and even today we trained…” and so we talked for a couple of minutes. Then, I finished dressing, I put the jacket on, we said goodbye and went away. When I got into the car, before starting the engine, I said to myself “very good, it went very well!!” and I came back home happy! Often, many of our fears are completely unfounded. The human mind is often a double-edged sword because (as said before) we listen to our thoughts and the famous “anxiety” arrives.

For example, this morning I was very worried about the shower in the gym, I even imagined scenes in which I had an erection in the locker room and someone made fun of me. Instead I experienced the exact opposite, but then again, an erection could happen in the future, but I will not make a problem because it is not. Living well with oneself and with one’s own sexuality is a wonderful thing, feeling one’s own instincts and having one’s own erotic imagery as a sort of private garden where we can only access ourselves with our imagination (this applies to everyone, gay or not) means to know yourself and feel good about yourself. I conclude with two thoughts that I wrote these days in moments of serenity:

1) “I feel good, but not because I’m all right, but because I accept the things that don’t go well without making a drama.”

2) “The charm of life is characterized by the mystery and uncertainty of every day, which are scary to each of us, but at the same time make life more beautiful and intriguing. I am convinced that if each of us knew his own future at the start, he would not even taste every little moment of life. Doubt and uncertainty are and MUST ABSOLUTELY BE PART of life, without them we couldn’t open ourselves to experiences and we couldn’t afford to make mistakes. In my opinion, a man who is not wrong, or doesn’t admit to having made a mistake at least once in his life, cannot be called a man.”

I wish all of you a good evening and happy Christmas holidays! A hug!”

____________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-themed-ocd-and-nakedness-at-the-gym