It’s since October 7th, 2019 that I had decided to write to you, I wrote drafts of emails that slowly became a kind of diary, to keep track of what was happening, but then I didn’t send you anything, now instead I’m sending you this diary, if I can call it so, because the situation has defined itself and I think it’s important.
October 7th, 2019, Monday.
Dear Project, today I’m very nervous and I cannot let off steam with anyone. I don’t know if you remember “XY33”, I wrote to you almost a year ago and you replied telling me things that have been really useful to me, we also got in touch on skype, but then I didn’t keep in touch anymore because, let’s say so, I was able to continue walking alone, but today I’m furious, I’m angry, aggressive, near to explode. I work in a public office at a good level and I say it with pride because I’m an executive and being in a job like mine at my age is certainly not a common thing! Where I work there are many people and unfortunately there is also a lot of hierarchy.
My boss, who is someone who really matters at the political level, doesn’t want to do anything, or better he isn’t able to do anything, he’s always on the phone chatting about his personal problems and always downloads his work problems on us. Two or three of my colleagues (female colleagues) do twice the work they should do, because they also do the job of the boss who basically does nothing at all: he signs without reading and then when a mess breaks out he screams like a madman, but all this, if we want, is ordinary administration, more or less all the bosses do it with their subordinates. This is the common practice, I had to get used to it, but today I’m furious for another reason. This piece of shit, speaking with the two boot-lickers (the ladies who do his job in his place), allowed himself to do my caricature claiming that according to him I’m a “fagot”, the ladies then told me everything, but if I asked them to testify what they said to me, I’m sure they wouldn’t and they would deny everything.
There is a total omerta in the office. I have no relationship with the boss, although I should, in practice I only see him on television, when he acts like the first actor, and there he plays his role very well and manages to make fun of those who don’t know him and anyhow he would never have bothered to talk to me and even less, I think, he would have bothered to make fun of me, and just because of that I even had the doubt that the two boot-lickers (just to say the least!), I mean the two witches, had really invented all.
I really can’t imagine him while he imitates my gait and makes fun of me in such a vulgar way. I really can’t imagine such a thing. He’s an asshole no doubt, it can be taken for granted, but to imitate my gait he should know who I am and he must have seen me several times, but nothing like this has ever happened. Damn! … I guess they were screwing me! Because there is also a ruthless careerism between us and every system is good for killing me. Did you understand the two witches? They wanted to put me against the boss, so they would have fun like two geese (which is who they are!).
They would have enjoyed a lot seeing me torn to pieces by my boss and with this elegant ploy they would easily take me out of the circle of those who can make a career! You have to keep in mind that in the moments when I was most angry, I was about to go to the boss to vent even at the risk of losing my job, luckily I didn’t do it and thought to send you this email. In fact what they told me doesn’t make sense! It just doesn’t make any sense! That’s why they raised the tone when they told me about it. It’s okay that only they can go to the boss, but what I know about the boss is only what “they” told me … Project, I think I was going to make a huge mistake.
October 14th, 2019.
Hi Project, I will attach a copy of the previous email (which I didn’t send you) and now I continue the story here. For the whole week I studied the behavior of the two vipers and there are many things that sound very strange to me. They are always by the boss. Always no, but often yes, so why when they talk about him separately with other colleagues they say and repeat in all ways that he’s an “asshole” and other similar epithets? If he’s really what you say, why are you going there? Project, I have to understand how things really are. Is the boss an asshole? Ok, and you, then, who only talk about him with slimy contempt, what are you? You are worse than him because you keep one foot in two shoes and play the double game!
October 15th, 2019.
This morning the two vipers are back in the office with the story that the boss makes my imitation and I lost my patience and pretended to get angry and then to go to the boss to express all my irritation and ask him for explanations. I went to the boss but brought with me a folder of documents on which I needed clarifications, however the boss was not there and I asked for an appointment. Just before noon his secretary calls me and I go to talk to him with my papers hidden under my jacket. I go in, it’s him, “the asshole!” He gets up to shake hands and makes me sit not in front of the desk but in the little sitting room nearby. To begin he asks me who I am, a clear evidence that he doesn’t know me, I explain it to him and then I move on to the concrete problem, showing the documents I have with me. He listens to me, then he quotes me an article from the last financial law, he tells me to go to the desk, he looks for and finds two recent court rulings of the Council of State and says: “I think we should operate this way, what do you think about?” I look at him in admiration and say to him: “I don’t think there are more doubts!” He replies: “You have done well to raise the problem, please write an internal circular and bring it to me and I will sign it and the circular will be sent to the offices.” Then we shake hands and he accompanies me to the door.
In short, Project, this would be the “piece of shit”, the one who does nothing from morning to night and makes fun of me imitating my gait! Now the game of the two vipers is clear. I go back to the office and “I don’t want to talk to anyone” (clearly I’m acting), the two vipers must think that the boss has destroyed me, but I have to prepare the circular to bring to the boss and I can’t waste time. In less than an hour the circular is ready, I call back the boss’s secretary who tells me that the boss is waiting for me. I go there without saying anything to anyone, I give the circular to the boss, he says to me: “Put your initials on it, then I’ll countersign it, the responsibility is mine, but you did the job.” I add my initials and he countersigns and gives the text to the secretary, then he takes leave of me and says: “Thanks, you did a good job and did it immediately!” I go back to my office and try to be dark in the face. The younger viper wants to know what happened but I send her away rudely, almost shouting, saying I don’t want to see anyone!
October 16th, 2019.
The circular arrives in the Office, I don’t say a word, it ends up in the hands of the old viper who grimaces with his mouth, my initials on the circular, in place of hers, have particularly bothered her, so she decides not to speak to me anymore, what I don’t mind at all, I took my revenge!
October 24th, 2019, Thursday.
Dear Project, the story is not over, there have been further evolutions. The boss values me a lot and asked me to do some research to clarify some points that seem very obscure. Practically every day I go to him to show him what I found or rebuilt and we talk about it together. He’s certainly 100% straight. While we were talking, his wife called him and when he was talking on the phone with his wife he was smiling. I made the gesture of getting up to go and wait outside to let him speak with due privacy, but he motioned me to stay and at the end he said to me: “If I didn’t have my wife I would be buried under an avalanche of documents!” and smiled. Then I went away. Now the vipers are hardly seen around the boss’s office!
October 25th, 2019, Friday.
Today an elderly colleague, who will retire in a month and who is therefore not interested in social climbing, told me that the two vipers say that I’m a “fagot” and that now I’m courting my boss who he too is a “fagot”! To which I replied: “Of course being a spinster at fifty must be ugly!” and he laughed.
November 14th, 2019, Thursday
Everything is fine with the boss, but this is not what I would like to talk to you about, now I have to tell you a lot of things about something that is really changing my life. A new guy was to arrive at the office and the boss entrusted him to me for orientation and training in service, previously this task was the exclusive prerogative of the two vipers but this time they remained dry-mouthed. A couple of days later the new guy shows up, he’s a beautiful guy in his early thirties, I’m 34! They told him I would be his tutor and he seemed happy with that. I infer from his resume that he is not married and has no children, but there are no other personal informations that might be interesting from my point of view me.
His name is Luke, he is tall, blond, blue-eyed, he has a sexy voice like an actor of first order and he also has two fundamental and very rare characteristics, he is truly intelligent and he wants to work. Everything is fine with Luke, I feel very at ease with him, in short between us a perfect understanding has been created. After ten days he’s already very quick in work and competent in research on the repertoires of laws and judgments of the judiciary. Then I make up my mind to go and present him at the boss, who speaks very well about me and encourages him. From here on in the office everything is booming. Luke doesn’t need any further training, he can do his job very well on his own and much better than me, even if it doesn’t take much to do better than me.
These are, let’s say, the working aspects of my relationship with Luke, but beyond of all this, as you can imagine, there is everything else. I practically fell in love with Luke and I also have to be very careful at work so as not to elicit too much attention, I have to keep him at a distance and I have to limit contacts with him to the bare minimum. We never go out together, he goes out first, I see him walking away from the window and five minutes later I go out. Even if he were straight, what is obviously very probable, it would be “anyhow” a good friendship. Evidently in saying so I mean that I could appreciate Luke, at the limit, “also” as a friend, but I hope with all my might that he is gay.
December 3th, 2019, Tuesday.
I guess I dreamed too much! I’m very downcast. I feel like a total moron. Today, when he came out, there was a girl down waiting for him and they embraced and kissed. It was far away and I can’t say if they kissed like friends or like lovers, but would a girl come and wait for a gay guy to leave work? No! Definitely no! So, dear Luke, goodbye! Our story is over and I go back to the usual melancholy. You could have been at least less handsome, less intelligent, less charming, at least I would have felt less frustrated, but no! Beautiful, intelligent, charming and STRAIGHT! Yet it had seemed to me that between us words where not needed, otherwise what is your intelligence for? I thought that you had understood everything, I even thought of asking you to meet after work, to go to dinner together, to spend a Sunday together and instead you stay with your girlfriend and you haven’t even noticed me. Gay dreams vanished as clouds in the wind! I learned a very hard lesson! Goodbye, Luke, I hope you can live a happy life!
December 4th, 2019, Wednesday.
Hi, Project, I’m confused, very confused. At 8.30 this morning Luke comes to my office (he never does such things!) And tells me that yesterday he would have liked to talk to me (I don’t understand if about work problems or something else) then he continues almost casually: “but since there was a female friend waiting for me on the square I had to go away immediately.” He had to talk to me? And what would he have told me? At the moment we have no work problems in common and then why give me explanations and tell me that there was a “female friend” waiting for him? But he said “a female friend”, he didn’t say she was “just a female friend”… Friend – girlfriend the two words sound quite similar but as for the meaning there is a big difference! In short, we agree that we will meet today at the exit, even if not right in front of the offices, but in a place that is on the opposit side from where the two vipers pass.
I work not to think about what will happen at the exit, I have to be careful not to build castles in the air, however, as the exit time approaches, I feel more and more agitated. Half an hour before the exit, the boss’s secretary calls me and tells me that the boss wants to see me, I go but the boss is in a meeting. I hope with all my strength that he will free himself immediately and tell me why he made me call because I don’t want to leave Luke waiting for me, I could warn him with a text message but it would sound strange. Five minutes before the exit I decide and send the text message “Everything postponed, I’m sorry, I’m by the boss, he called me.” At that moment I would have killed my boss. However, I could only wait. He lets me in after almost half an hour, after six politicians of those I’ve seen on TV come out of his office. He is very agitated. I dare not ask him what happened.
As usually he makes me sit in the sitting room, he lets out a big sigh and then comes to the point and tells me that he thinks that there have been irregularities in some very important procedures and that he needs to check but cannot trust anyone, because there are spreading rumors about his office that have come to politicians and it is necessary to understand if the irregularities have occurred, and if there have been, of what extent and who made them. This is very important because if you understand all these things you can also get to understand who started the gossip. In short, the boss asks me to work in a separate room of his office, with his access codes to the information system (he will not let me know them, this is obvious, but he will access the services with his credentials and then I will be working on the system to find informations). I tell him it’s okay, we shake hands, then, opening the door and he says: “We start tomorrow morning, ok? I recommend, maximum confidentiality.” I nod my head and add: “You can take it for granted!” and I go away.
But I’m not thinking about the boss or the possible cheating or gossip, I’m thinking only of Luke, I go running to the appointment place but Luke is not there, I feel discomforted, invaded by a black sadness, I send him an text message to apologize and I he replies: “Wait for me, I’m coming in a minute, I’m at the bar around the corner, I’ve been waiting for you.” This answer makes me change mood, I just didn’t expect it. He arrives after less than a minute, really beautiful as a god and asks me what the boss wanted, I downplay and concentrate on the fact that I was only sorry to make him wait and I was afraid that he would go away. I think I ask him how his female friend is, but I immediately remove this stupid thought. He tells me “What about eating something together?” The answer is obvious, it is late but there is a place where many tourists go which is open until early afternoon. There are people, too many people, there is not a minimum of privacy, an hour later we are out of the restaurant.
I would like to ask him what he wanted to talk to me about, but I don’t, I wait for him to make the first move and after a while he does it. He says to me: “I wanted to talk to you, but I think there is no need because from so many small things I realized you understood. What do I have to do?” I tell him: “I feel very happy and there is no need for any speech.” Soon after, a terrible embarrassment took over, a mixture of anxiety and fear of having misunderstood, the speech had been very allusive but basically vague. An explicit speech would have been much more difficult but would have dispelled all the mists. I couldn’t go on not even with the shadow of uncertainty and so this time I took the substantial step forward and asked him: “How did you understand that I fell in love with you?” and he replies: “Well, somehow a gay radar does exist!” After these words the state of happiness both his and mine was evident, we walked on foot until late in the night, and it was freezing cold! Then we said goodbye with a hug (the first hug with Luke!).
January 4th, 2020.
Dear Project, I have been with Luke for a month, it’s a beautiful but very complicated thing, we have a thousand problems. Our relationship is very tender. Luke has a lot of attention for me, we talk a lot, he told me his previous stories, absolutely nothing heterosexual, only two boys whom he then lost sight of, with the first perhaps he was in love, but he was not really in love with Luke and found another guy. With the second there were only a few days of sex, then it all ended because of mutual disinterest. I told him about my stories of ten years ago with one who then found something better and left after less than a month.
March 21th, 2020.
Between me and Luke there is a lot of embarrassment when we talk about sex, not when we talk about the sex that there has been before but when we talk about the sex we are supposed to have between us and on the other hand we only talk about it by phone because now we have to be isolated (because there is the Covid-19). Today he said to me: “How about we both get tested for sexually transmitted diseases?” I said yes, because his proposal was essentially also a sexual proposal, but who knows when it will be possible and therefore between us, at least now, no sex at all. Cuddling yes, and on the phone only, but nothing too much sexual. I had thought of propose him to use the cam, but it seemed like a bad idea. I’ll wait! Obviously I masturbate thinking only of him and he probably does the same but this is a taboo topic and we never talk about it! You don’t imagine how conditioned and anxious I feel, these long waits are unnerving and anyhow we have to do the test first, we just can’t do without it.
May 5th, 2020.
We booked the HIV test, obviously we did it in the same institution but separately so as not to be labeled! Think how far paranoia goes! They gave us an appointment for June 5th and another month will pass by. I talk to Luke on Skype every evening for a couple of hours and I’m alwais admiring him because he’s really beautiful, it’s not me the one who is out of mind, it’s he who is beautiful! Now we are less clumsy and we talk about everything also about sex and masturbation even if we still talk about it “in general”.
May 22th, 2020.
We ended up to have sex on cam. No embarrassment! It was an overwhelming thing and then he’s beautiful there too and he lives sex spontaneously, laughing, joking and above all participating in a very strong way. If I’m so involved on cam I imagine what it will be when we will do it in person. June 5th is near, but we still have 13 days left, I just hope they don’t close everything again, otherwise this time too everything ends up in nothing . Now our speeches are finally explicitly sexual and without any embarrassment and I’m happy because before I was afraid he wasn’t really 100% involved, but now this doubt has completely dissolved.
End of quotes! Now I will send you the email, then maybe I will send you another one after June 5th.
If you want, you can publish everything, because it seems to me that there are no references to sensitive elements in relation to privacy. I modified some things related to work environment and anyhow everything is quite vague, even if the atmospheres are exactly those.
I embrace you and hope to hear from you soon.
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