GAYS AND FAMILY

What relationships? In my opinion, things that make sense and nothing trivial … so, now, just to say, maybe you think: you have the boyfriend … and you don’t miss anything! … but life is not just that with the boyfriend … there are also other things. Now chatting so abstract about these things is strange but in the life of each of us many things are valuable and also important, maybe such things don’t appear, they seem stupid things but really exist.

The people who are important to you, all have different roles and roles that don’t overlap, I have the boyfriend … and this is important, I know … but I need also different things … for example there are many types of cuddles, some of them only your boyfriend can do, all right, but not others, but for example, I don’t know, an encouragement, or the fact that two guys stay to talk together even starting from different points of view, the fact that maybe he knows about you and doesn’t judge you, that accepts you as you are.

Now, in my life I have missed so many things since I was a kid, at a family level, I say, I would have wanted cuddles, I wanted them desperately and instead for me there have never been. When I did something, as soon as I had done it, it was necessarily judged a stupid thing … well … allow me it, I like being told that I’m worth something. We speak, yes, we talk a lot, especially when my boyfriend is not there … and for me it makes sense, it’s not just something to waste time … that is, if someone is listening and talking to you for hours … well, it means something … but sometimes we get to the loggerheads too, I also say some wickedness against Alec… yes, on the things he does … in short, no malice, I don’t come to that, but I speak very clear and he too gets angry with me … always, you know, in a very calm, but decided … he preaches to me … but no one has ever done the preach to me that way.

At my house they have never worried about or they only stated judgements and made me feel bad, I always looked for the affection of my parents … I told you so … and sometimes desperately and l never got it. My family was not really a family, I was the black sheep … you know, a gay guy … in short, the family’s honor was at risk and they made me feel it in every way …

In short, I would have liked so much living in a real family … because for a gay guy the family is fundamental, if it doesn’t support you so much or it even hinders you, your family can destroy you inside … because freedom is good but real life is not only that … being alone make you feel really bad … With Alec, you know, there is a bit of a “family love” … I don’t know how to explain myself, I’m glad when I find his messages, that is not that I don’t survive if I don’t find them, but if they is there, I am pleased and I go often to see if there is a message of his.

For example … about my boyfriend, he only says positive things. I told Mark so many times: “One day or another I’ll introduce him to you …” Mark was wary, he didn’t really want to know him but I insisted and at the end I convinced him,

I didn’t know what would happen and a bit I was anxious, then we saw all three of us … I thought we would talk, but no … we just said hello, then he said that the afternoon was beautiful and that I and Mark had to spend it together, not together with him, together just me and Mark … Mark liked him, he said that Alec was inclined to smiling and that he was a positive person … at least so he saw each other for the first time …

In some periods I don’t hear him for several days, even for ten days, but I know that he has not forgotten me, when you feel so it is as if you had talked with him the day before … that is really a thing family type … no … something like it should be a family thing because my family was not like that at all. … a bit he is a substitute for a family environment and then there is one thing that strikes me a lot, which in the end we reason more or less in the same way, if something for me has an important meaning he understands it, i.e. about many things he reasons a bit like me … it is not a trivial fact, it is not a comparison between deaf or between different worlds … we are of the same world and I’m very interested in knowing what he thinks of me …

I don’t see him as a competitor of Mark and he too doesn’t see himself this way, he has nothing to do with such roles … ah, another thing, he never really gets angry … at least with me … maybe we don’t agree on everything … but we discuss and don’t destroy anything and a bit I feel important and I think he feels the same. It seems strange eh? Marco is not jealous of him at all and often asks me: “What did he tell you?” And I tell him what we talked about.

Now I have not heard from him for a week and I miss him a little, but tonight I’m looking for him, he almost never calls me but it’s not out of disinterest, I know that. It’s a friend yes, yes, a true friend, maybe something more, a kind of brother and I know he thinks of me … but no, look, not stupidly or for some reason … just because we love each other, even if another way.

I feel better now because he is there … if he were not there I would miss him, he resizes me, in the sense that makes me see things for what they are, a little I’m sorry when he shoot against my dreams, but maybe I need even that, but I like it very much when it breaks down my worries and tells me that everything is fine and that I have no serious reasons to worry, so far he has always been right, more or less, and he has really a certain reassuring effect on me, he sees things from afar, he has other perspectives, this is evident, but for me at the end of the day it is important the same, that is he can give me things that other people cannot give me. I know it’s hard to believe but it’s so … and he says that I’m important to him and I know it’s true … and Mark knows that too … but there has never been any problem. .. are different planes, parallel planes that don’t touch, a little I have my family reconstituted this way …

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gays-and-family

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GAYS AND ANXIETY

Reactive anxiety

Anxiety, that is, the feeling that something dangerous and uncontrollable but at the same time indefinable is looming, presents itself in the most varied ways in the life of all people, in practice no one can say he is immune from it at 100%. Often the perception of anxiety is marked by feelings of emptiness, irritability, widespread impatience, by the feeling of the useless passing of time as a progressive loss of possibilities. Anxiety is often accompanied by somatization at cardiac level, or by insomnia or inconclusive agitation. Anxiety often compromises the normal activities of life or makes them more stressing and difficult to deal with, takes you away from an objective and rational assessment of things and emphasizes the difficulties and risks, up to almost completely block the activities of a person and force him to seek support at the psychotherapeutic and pharmacological level.

In the following I will stop to speak only of reactive anxiety, that is of those anxious syndromes in which a triggering and often determining factor can be identified at the environmental level, leaving aside the primary anxiety for which it doesn’t seem easy to identify determinant or triggering causes at an environmental level. To clarify, here you have some examples of reactive anxiety:

1) A student, inserted in a school class, shows frequent signs of anxiety: insomnia, episodic tachycardia, unmotivated fear, easy irritability, difficulty in concentration, environmental maladjustment. That same student, after changing class, no longer shows the same anxious syndrome, appears calm and well inserted into the new class.

2) A married man who has difficult relationships with his wife’s family shows signs of anxiety, when he moves to another city, away from his wife’s family, he no longer shows signs of anxiety.

3) An elderly man who finds problems at work has tachycardia, feels overwhelmed by work and expects to be in trouble at any moment for some reason that he cannot even identify clearly. That man, after retiring, regains his serenity and no longer has anxious manifestations.

Anxiety and homophobia

As we can see, the causes of reactive anxiety are not related only or essentially to the subject who experiences it but basically to his difficult interaction with the environment in particular situations called precisely anxiogenous. It is quite evident that homosexuality must also be included among anxiogenous situations, but not homosexuality itself but homosexuality in a homophobic environment. I would like to emphasize that I don’t mean here as homophobia the activities of more or less violent repression of homosexuality but precisely the phobia of homosexuality, that is the tendency to exclude it and to marginalize it. Homophobia is a subtle reality that often hides itself even under the appearance of tolerance and respect.

The root of homophobia consists in perceiving the homosexual as different and as something else from yourself, well beyond the sexual orientation, as if the sexual orientation constituted a barrier between human groups. Homophobia can’t be assessed in the abstract, can’t it be rationally surpassed and homophobic people often don’t even perceive their homophobic attitudes. Naturally, the perception of environmental homophobia by those who suffer it and live it daily as a limitation of one’s own freedom is very different.
Homosexuals are very sensitive to the homophobic implications of the behavior of their family members, their friends and the social environment in which they live. For a gay guy, it is a question of having the attention always focused on ”reactively” determining one’s behavior in such a way as to reduce the risk that environmental homophobia will unleash against him.

Anxiogenous situations for a gay

Some particular situations may be particularly anxiogenous for gays:

1) Being submitted to the questions of parents and relatives like ”Do you have a girlfriend?”

2) Discovering that at school you are became object of the attention of a serious girl, who is lived as a danger in relation to the group.

3) Finding yourself in very narrow and very gossipy work environments where you cannot stay by yourself and maintain your privacy.

4) Also finding themselves temporarily in situations of close cohabitation with other people with whom one inevitably comes to talk about emotional relationships and sexuality.

I would add to these situations a fifth and a sixth situation that for gays can be really strongly anxiogenous:

5) Falling in love with a guy whose sexual orientation is unknown and enter an endless path of indecisions, fears and postponements.

6) Having to hide your sexual orientation, a situation that can occur on many levels, from the anxiety of coming out with a trusted friend to the embarrassment of lying to your wife if you are a married gay man.

So far we have only talked about anxiety in general terms, but for gays, anxiety often manifests itself in dimensions closely related to sexuality.

Internalized homophobia and gay discomfort

The internalization of environmental homophobia leads gays to non-acceptance of self and often leads them unconsciously to attempt the path of hetero sexuality. These are real self-impositions that are embodied in so-called ”sexual experiments”: I try to stay with a girl, if I can, it means that I am straight. It is actually a neurotic mechanism in which anxiety dominates. The sexual experiment is deeply desired but not as a form of sexuality but as a test that can confirm a presumed heterosexual identity. I will never get tired of pointing out the absolute absurdity of the advice that even some psychologists give to their patients when they see them not too convinced of their heterosexual sexuality, pushing them to ”try gay sex”.

It makes no sense to ”try” gay sex to evaluate one’s own reactions, it makes no sense to go with a girl to verify one’s being straight. Sexual orientation is not related to behavior but to sexual desires. There are gays who get married, their married life is 100% heterosexual but their sexual fantasies are not straight and their masturbation is gay. To understand one’s orientation, therefore, it makes no sense to ”try a particular sexual behavior” gay or straight, which, among other things, can be risky for health, but you have to put aside ”gradually” your conditioning to conquer, first of all, a true freedom in terms of sexual fantasies and masturbation.

Among other things, anxiety deriving from sexual orientation issues conceived as a problem, very often, causes consequences, even heavy ones, in matters that have nothing to do with sexuality and in particular in studies. When the mind concentrates on the research at all costs of an answer to a problem connected to sexuality, it ends up neglecting and minimizing other fundamental aspects of social and relational life. In some cases the abandonment of the study, as a consequence of an anxious way of experiencing sexuality, provokes further insecurities and anxious sensations that slowly extend even far beyond sexuality.

In these situations it does not make any sense to look for certain and definitive answers to the bitter end by following a neurotic push, but we must remember that certain and definitive answers don’t even exist for a lot of questions and that anxiety can be overcome only by realizing it. definitely putting aside the idea of being framed in this or that category, but I add one thing, resuming studies, if the studies have been neglected or put aside, it does not just mean avoid to create further problems for the future in terms of work and of economic prospects but also move away from the idea of having a problem that must be resolved soon and definitively.

In practice, the return to normal study or work is the most significant symptom of overcoming anxiety and the most useful therapy in that sense. I would add that the anxiety that is often perceived as arising from uncertainties of sexual orientation actually has other origins because gay sexual orientation in itself, in a serene environment, does not give rise to anxious reactions.

We must start by realizing that the problem we don’t bring it inside us, we don’t create it, but it is a reaction to a difficult environmental situation. An external problem mustn’t become an internal one and the negative mythology of homosexuality spread in a homophobic climate mustn’t be internalized.

The feeling of loneliness must be considered a momentary consequence of a difficult environmental situation because it really is so and these situations can radically change. What has just been said is useful as an indication for the overcoming of anxiety by those who experience firsthand that anxiety, but we must bear in mind that the main way to overcome anxiety is emotional socialization, that is, having around a network of true emotional relationships that convey feelings of security and stability.

Interacting with an anxious subject

But how can people who are next to a person who is strongly anxious contribute to relieving the burden of anxious syndrome? Often when one realizes that one has anxious friends, there are scruples about talking to them in a clear way about everything because they might feel uncomfortable and it is easy to assume in face of an anxious friends reticent or blatantly false attitudes ”for goodness”.

As in all relationships between people, the most wrong thing is playing a part, taking on a role ”for the sake of another person”. One thing to avoid with regard to very anxious people it is the attempt to convince them by reasoning and examples that anxiety must and can be overcome.

With regard to anxiety, it is very helpful to feel involved in a true emotional climate, while every form of abstract reasoning is even counterproductive.

It often happens that issues that are not in themselves problems at all are instead experienced anxiously as problems. In these situations the comparison and dialogue with people who have a similar experience is essential to realize how others react to situations similar to those that we live and to play down. Feeling as the only person in the world who has to face an urgent and difficult problem is stressful and anxiogenous, while realizing that the alleged problem is actually a problem only to the extent that it is considered so and that many other people have been facing or they are facing now very similar situations is much more reassuring and above all much more true.

Gay sexuality and anxiety

We come now specifically to the relationship between gay sexuality and anxiety, limiting the field to the sexual dimension in the strict sense. It happens to me several times in the chat to talk with guys anxious for issues related to gay sexuality. The causes of these anxiety states can be various, by way of example only, I quote the most recurrent:

1) Anxiety resulting from moments of uncertainty about sexual orientation

2) Anxiety from presumed inadequacy

3) Anxiety from problematisation of sexuality

These is three conceptually different realities that can however present a lot of connections.
Before proceeding in detail it should be remembered that anxiety is identified as a perceived situation of danger, uncertainty or inability to manage a situation. Anxiety sometimes presents psychosomatic manifestations, sometimes very evident such as tachycardia, tremor and high blood pressure, sometimes less evident, such as insomnia, sleep disorders, nightmares. Anxiety can also have typically sexual manifestations such as impotence, premature ejaculation and various disorders of masturbation. However, rather than dealing with the sexual manifestations of anxiety, we will talk about anxiety-related situations in the field of sexuality through the examination of some typical situations.

Anxiety arising from moments of uncertainty about sexual orientation

I have spoken several times about the discovery of one’s homosexuality by a guy who was previously considered hetero (also by himself) and about how much this discovery generates anxiety derived mainly from a wrong representation of being gay.

Here I intend to consider a different situation. A guy who thinks he’s gay, who has exclusively gay erotic fantasies, who masturbates exclusively thinking about guys, finds himself experimenting a sexual contact with a girl. Against his hypothesis, according to which, for a gay, in similar situations, any form of involvement should be impossible, that guy experiences a physiological reaction that he doesn’t know how to interpret: when he was with the girl not only he wasn’t uncomfortable but had an erection and considered it quite exciting. That guy, while continuing in almost all the cases to masturbate thinking about the guys, sometimes masturbate also recalling the sexual contact with the girl. As long as these behaviors are not the object of reflection they are rewarding, but when the guy becomes fully aware of them and of their possible meaning, a state of anxiety comes up that disturbs the previous structure and creates uncertainty and insecurity.

Generally, when heterosexual contact is the first sexual contact of a gay guy, it significantly affects the balance of masturbatory sexuality achieved earlier, but in this case the new hetero experience has not supplanted the gay sexuality of the guy. That guy continues to masturbate thinking about the guys in almost all cases and will almost certainly end up returning to sexual fantasies exclusively gay in more or less long times.

Anxiety derives from an incorrect perception of the whole experience as a change in one’s sexual orientation, this mistaken perception is dramatized and produces a sense of insecurity. We must realize that these things happen and that, in the vast majority of cases, they have only temporally circumscribed influences and, even if in a very unlikely situation the story was a spy of the emergence of a heterosexual identity or a form of bisexuality, it would not be a problem anyway because nobody must be necessarily gay, but people must be free to be gay if and only if they really are.

As deserves the utmost respect the guy who after having considered himself hetero for years recognizes himself gay, so deserves the utmost respect the guy who after having considered himself gay for years, discovers his own heterosexuality. This is a very rare event, however, because social pressure pushes gay guys very much to believe themselves hetero but certainly it doesn’t push the straight guys to believe that they are gay.

Only in a couple of cases (events, I repeat, very rare) I happened to talk to guys who thought they were gay because they had sex with guys but they had very deep affective relationships with a girls. I noticed how for these guys, the acceptance of their heterosexuality, after considering themselves gay for years, was much more difficult than the acceptance of homosexuality for a guy who had believed to be hetero for years.

Essentially for those guys, who had made a considerable effort to accept themselves as gay, the gay prospects collapse and it is a question of rebuilding everything from the beginning in a straight key. The phenomenon is similar to the traumatic one that presents itself for the bisexuals in the periods when their sexual orientation changes.

Anxiety from presumed inadequacy

The anxiety coming from presumed inadequacy can arise in reference to concrete situations and above all in the immediacy of them, and also at general and preventive level. These are rather different situations. The anxiety that manifests itself in the immediacy of encounters that can also involve sexual contact intervenes when a serious, already structured emotional relationship can also lead to sexual involvement. Often this type of anxiety is linked to the fact that sexuality is seen as something further and different from the emotional contact to which one is accustomed, a kind of second stage that can compromise the former.

Anxiety manifests itself in a very significant way on the occasion of the first gay sexual contact and consists in the fear connected to the inexperience (”I don’t know how to behave”), to the fear of making mistakes and to upsetting the partner to the point of losing his affection due to inexperience in managing sexual intercourse. Classic, in these cases, are the expressions like this: ”I don’t know how I will react but I wouldn’t want to disappoint him, he is so sweet but I feel so clumsy”.

In fact, the anxiety coming from presumed inadequacy is a component constantly present in the first sexual intercourses and especially in the first. Rather than real anxiety, it is inability to foresee the reactions of one’s partner in a sexually involving situation when there aren’t at all previous experiences.

In general, the anxiety of the first gay sexual contact is practically nonexistent when the sexual contact arrives unexpectedly while it tends to be more strong if the expectation connected to that contact is deeply felt and the wait before it becomes concrete becomes long.

The worst way to deal with anxiety coming from inadequacy in a concrete situation is to resort to external behavioral patterns. A couple must be able to find their own harmony in its autonomy. The anxiety coming from presumed inadequacy, which manifests itself at a general level without reference to actual and concrete situations, is, in general, the result of a weak self-esteem and sometimes the manifestation of moments of depression, very often not originated by issues related to sexuality, like seeing themselves ugly or having previously found only refusals as affective responses, on this substratum of weak self-esteem can insert specific fears, often unfounded or amplified precisely by the anxious component, such as the erective weakness, the perception of the small penis and the premature ejaculation. In such situations, a gay guy tends to avoid any dialogue with other guys, he is uncomfortable when he hears that other guys talk about sex and tends to socialize very little.

Friendship and sexual confidence

I would like to underline that the word friendship, especially among heterosexual guys, besides the generic contents of pleasantness, respect and mutual attention, has another very important component which is sexual confidence. When two straight guys become friends in the serious sense of the term, it is not at all strange, but it is quite obvious that they compare their sexual experiences. This fact greatly decreases the anxious tension concentrated on specifically sexual content and contributes to giving sexuality a less mythical dimension, in other words, one can speak about his own sexuality among peers without fear of censorship, in a free climate, in which the mutual attention is the rule.

A straight guy who tells another straight guy that he masturbates while thinking about a girlfriend doesn’t do it for a stupid exhibitionism but because talking to another straight guy of these things melts the anxiety and helps to find a comparison on issues in which the direct comparison is rarely achievable.

Among gay guys, even if there is always in the background the idea that any friendship between two gay guys can turn into a loving friendship, the mechanism is exactly the same and for this reason not having gay friends with whom to compare sexual experiences and the limitating the dialogue with other gay guys only to non-specifically sexual content, deprives a gay guy of a fundamental mechanism for the reduction of anxiety related to sexuality. I cite just one example.

A straight boy, educated a century ago with a strongly repressive education, generally felt strong anxieties and strong feelings of guilt about masturbation. Today, in a free environment, where a guy can talk quietly about these things with friends and can understand how his friends live it, the anxiety-producing charge connected to masturbation has clearly decreased. Of course, for a gay guy, the thing is more complicated but the mechanism of anxiety reduction is basically the same.

Anxiety and problematisation of sexuality

For some guys sexuality is not a spontaneous activity, the rational dimension, particularly strong, often compresses or represses sexuality. This is the typical case of young people who want to understand everything about sexuality, who, rather than experiencing it immediately, try to analyze it, to vivisect it to understand it rationally through a strictly linked and logical explanation in terms of of causes and effects.

It often happens to me that some guys ask me in relation to a specific fact that they observed in their sexuality: ”But what does it mean?” As if it were possible to give a serious answer to all the questions of this kind. These guys generally stay away from sexuality, because sexuality is not rationally controllable, and they want to program affective life, they are extremely selective in the search for partners but based on abstract categories. It is difficult for them to understand that sexuality means abandoning themselves to a level of deep emotional life linked to fundamental physiological needs and that reasoning too much on sexuality means losing the essential.

How to overcome the anxieties connected to sexuality

A preliminary observation: everyone, more or less, live or have lived anxieties related to sexuality. If a guy didn’t feel anxieties related to sexuality there would be serious reasons for concern. Anxiety, to a certain extent, very variable, accompanies sex life in an ordinary way. Problems arise when this anxiety is paralyzing, when it leads to isolation and to sexophobia. To overcome anxiety you have to:

1) Realize to live in an anxiety-provoking situation

2) Try to see things in a more serene perspective and evaluate the so-called problems for what they are in reality and then resize them

3) Always keep the dialogue and the comparison open with people who live in similar situations

4) Get used to considering sexuality as an ordinary theme of serious conversation and to talk about it effectively in a free way with people who have similar experiences.

If I had to summarize in a single word the basic elements to overcome the anxieties connected to sexuality, I would use the word socialization: having friends, talking and discussing is the basis for being able to resize problems and to restore sexuality to the quality it deserves as an ordinary component of everyone’s life.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gays-and-anxiety

GAY SEXUAL BEHAVIORS

I apologize to Daniel who has probably felt neglect, what is absolutely far from my intentions.

Hello Daniel, because of the breakup of my computer (and the fact that I don’t open too much frequently my email account on the msn site), I read only today your message of April 7th. I sent you an email to apologize. I published below your email with the whole post you sent to me so kindly. I thank you very much for your trust.
____

Hello Project, finally I decided! After thinking about a lot I was leaving everything go for the umpteenth time but instead I’m here and now I’ll try to write even if it makes a very strange impression to me, if nothing else because I don’t know you in person even if things you are doing seem to me serious, and I would also say very serious. That’s why I’m writing to you. I didn’t write a post for you to post in the forum or on your gay sites, I send you a few pages of my diary instead. I have always wondered if there are other guys who have lived the same experiences I have lived, it is obvious that they are there, but I wonder if they reacted the same way I have reacted. Maybe I’m not able to give things the right value. I would pray you to publish these pages (if they don’t seem a bit ‘too rough) on the site msn, even on others and on the forum if you like, but on the site msn I would particularly like. I greet you and hug you! Daniel (my contact is: [omissis])

DIARY

Wednesday

A nightmare day! They sent me around the city all day: do this, do that! Go up, go down! In short, I am the servant of all. I’m a worthless guy, all right, but a bit of education is needed in any case, but why have you to clean your feet on me? It’s people that just sucks, I have to keep good relationships with them because if not, where do I go? The boss shows at least a bit of respect, but the others are really squalid people.
This morning a strange thing happened at the post office, they changed the employee of the packages and put there a young guy, he looked like a kid and today he has been very kind with me. Anyway it’s a little consolation on a shitty day.

Thursday

I worked little today. I’m tired of doing anything. There is a new guy who works with me, but he is not even passable, he would not be ugly but is clumsy, you tell him one thing and he understands another, sometimes I cannot even understand exactly what he says, he talks strange, I don’t know, anyway he wouldn’t be really bad, but he doesn’t really attract me, let’s say he’s not unpleasant, he tries to talk with me but he wears something similar to a wedding ring, so I think he has a girl.

Friday

What a stress! Today the boss came, or better the owner, but I have not even seen him. The manager was in total agitation, he’s probably more than 40 years old but behaves like a kid with the owner, from what I saw, if the boss asked him to go to bed with him, he would say: “ok, boss!”
Then I saw for a moment the guy at the post office counter, who’s really a nice guy, not anything exceptional but very nice, he perhaps attracts me at least a little bit, but we have only exchanged a smile.
At home I quarreled badly with mum, she’s too much interested in my business and I cannot stand it! My father doesn’t do such things, it would not pass by his head, but she is nosy and then what is she looking for? And it makes me angry when she says it’s not true. I put things in a certain order and I always find them in another way.
Anyway for her part any rummaging is useless, my important things are all in the computer under passwords and there nobody can spy, nobody! Today I had to go and get a pizza with Laurence and Luke, but obviously they didn’t remember it, because they have other things to do, they can’t give up the girl to be with me! All right, they say we’re friends! But friends of what?

Saturday

What a horror Saturday and Sunday. I can only wait for Monday. Friends have a lot of things to do, I don’t! I’m here at home, and what am I doing? Luckily there is internet, but internet is also boring at the end, yes, at least a bit of sex, but it’s all false, I don’t say that it disgusts me, indeed! But at the end beyond a good wank you don’t go anyway, at least as I see it, because I don’t want to be involved in problems of any kind, not even on a psychological level, I hate all that chitchatting, I think, because I don’t know how does it work. A beautiful site is [omissis] indeed it is really nice, but even this website I don’t say that it’s boring, a little I look at it (and more than a bit) but in the end what do I need when I go there? I download a little bit, yes, just on a physiological level, damn but it’s not enough for me, it’s not enough for me anymore! I want a real guy, I want to devote myself to him with all my strength, I can really make a guy happy, but I don’t have a real guy!

Sunday

Lunch at my uncle’s home. At least I ate well. My uncle, in my opinion, thinks that I can get together with Martina [his daughter]. But I think that such a thing didn’t even cross Martina’s head! Luckily! Otherwise I would have to keep at distance! I had been proposed to enroll in a gym, you know how many beautiful guys to see! But I will never go there! Tomorrow I have to go to work. Ugh! I’m very tired of my job! Now I’m going a bit on the usual site, so my eyes can enjoy.

Monday

Today a very strange thing happened, that is not so strange, but is something that came to my mind and doesn’t go away, the guy from the post office smiled at me in a way that could only have a particular meaning. Now I know his name: “Mauro M.” because it’s written on the identification tag he wears around his neck. He started looking for a package sent from my company that was lost and it took more than half an hour to find it but at the end he managed to find it, I followed the whole operation and I was able to observe him closely. It’s really cute, not beautiful but sweet, in short, I would not have gone away anymore. When he found what happened to the package he looked at me straight in the eyes and smiled at me, as if to say: I did it for you! I’ve been thinking about it all day, I guess I’m falling in love.

Tuesday

I told Mauro for a few minutes, he gave me the cell phone number and I gave him mine, we’re going to get a pizza tonight. Who knows what can come out of it? I have to take a nice shower and I have to shave well. Nothing will happen, I know, but if it happens I want to be prepared. He’s gay!!! How beautiful! How beautiful! How beautiful! What a beautiful evening, how sweet, how much I would cuddle him, damn I would have eaten him with kisses and then I really like him because he has not the fixed idea of sex, we were talking in the car, just talking, two gays in the car who keep just talking, it means that he is not one of the usual ones, he has caressed my hand and I was about to die looking at him in the eyes. I felt charged to the nth degree, I thought he would take a step further but it didn’t happen. He told me that he only had had two boys but they both got rid of him because in sex they wanted to do just what they wanted and he felt instrumentalized and tried to make them understand it but they didn’t want to know. But I say: you find a guy like Mauro, but how do you get stuck on things of sex? If you love each other at the end a balance can be found. Poor fellow! I think he felt really bad. With me nothing like that would have happened, I told him so, and he just smiled and kissed me, but slightly. Mauro! How can I not jump on you?

– omissis –

The following week.

Tuesday

With Mauro we have made so much progress, now we kiss just as it should be done, in short, an involving thing on a sexual level, but he also made me a speech a bit strange. He told me what he would like to do with me. Up until a certain point I found myself in his words, but then he asked me if I would have accepted to be passive and said that “that is a great test of love”. This thing gave me a bit annoyance. I told him that I never had had such fantasies and he told me that he felt completely active, then he downplayed and tried to change the subject.
Okay that he can also have different fantasies from mine, but now he puts me in crisis, I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t even want to do things that I don’t like. And then I don’t understand one thing: Marcello, who was gay at the highest level, didn’t have these fantasies, that didn’t even pass through the antechamber of his brain. He had his particularities on many other things, but in things of sex I found myself quite well with him. Mah! This creates problems for me. But why should I do things that I don’t like in order to make Mauro happy? And then there is also the problem of the risk, because in those things there is a risk of AIDS, all right, with condoms it is much less, but it is not even that, mah! But maybe he said so just to say and perhaps he will not even insist, because in fact it could all be fake problems and maybe for him it’s not even an important thing, but from what he said it didn’t seem so.

Wednesday

Damn, tonight he was so cuddly, sweet, but also a bit too insistent. One thing leaves me a bit perplexed: we just kiss, I tried to go further but he stopped me and told me that with me he wants a “complete” thing, i.e. in practice he wants to penetrate me, otherwise nothing! In a sense, for a while, it seemed to me like an emotional blackmail, as if to say to me: either do as I say or you go away. In the end he ripped off me a half-positive reply. Saturday night we go to his house by the sea. I wonder if I’m doing well. It is true that he calls me ten times a day and tells me very tender things, he tells me that he only thinks of me from morning to night and that he masturbates thinking of me but he has not asked me if I do the same. But he insists too much on that other thing. Mah ! And then what can I do? I cannot talk with anyone about anything like this.

Sunday morning

Today I didn’t like Mauro too much. When I made love with Marcello, it was all in par, there were no roles of any kind, with Mauro (who is also a nice guy and naked is much better than dressed) I feel like if between us there was nothing really shared. He thinks only of his wishes and I have just to undergo his wishes. I endured everything, but the idea that having sex that way was really disgusting for me, didn’t even touch him, he didn’t understand, or maybe he did not give a damn to it.
I suffered everything and I thought that, after, perhaps we would have exchanged the roles because the thing for me was completely unnatural and repellent, or that there would have had some sex like the one I had with Marcello, that was true sex really shared and lived in two, at par, a thing in which you think about how to make him feel good and don’t even think about yourself, and instead nothing, when he ended doing what he wanted, he didn’t really think about it.
I say, I’m there too! But how can you not notice it? He used me; that I’m a guy like him, he didn’t even notice it, I was just his inflatable doll. Mah! Thinking about these things I also have scruples because maybe from his point of view everything is different and I’m doing the problem too big for things that in the end are not even a tragedy in the sense that one, at the limit … but then why? I don’t know what to think. Tomorrow I will try to talk to him.
I send him a text message a bit affectionate, but yes, like those he always sends me. He doesn’t answer, I send him three text messages and he doesn’t answer me, he never did that, I don’t know what to think. Mauro calls me and tells me that I treated him badly, that I don’t love him because I tried in every way to make him uncomfortable for the fact that he had asked me to be passive and I ended up consoling him and telling him that I love him madly. Not to madness, but that I love him it’s true.

After a week.

Monday

He definitely dumped me. We ended up in bed five times in six days, I ended up doing what he wanted, but he also wanted me to pretend to have fun, no! This seemed too much to me and I tried to talk seriously with him about it. I told him that at least I would have wanted a little attention on his part because after all I’m a guy too, he told me that he doesn’t act as a passive because he doesn’t like it, I told him that I was not referring to such things, he replied that if I wanted to be masturbated I could do it alone, he got angry and started to raise his voice, then he calmed down and apologized but I left. Now, somehow, I’m missing him but I finally feel free again. Anyway I miss him very much.

Tuesday

Yesterday I saw Marcello and told him the story. He knows Mauro. Mauro also tried with him with the same technique, but he sent him to hell. Great Marcello! (But why am I always the most stupid of the situation?) He told me that Mauro always does this and that he has already done it with a lot of guys. At least now I have clear ideas. But how did I listen to such a fellow? And now whom do I think of when I masturbate? Well, there is always internet, luckily at least in front of the screen I can be myself!

__________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-sexual-behaviors

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GAY

Hello Project, I am writing to push you to go on with “gay project” because I’m convinced, and I know it because I have experienced it in first person, that it is a fundamental tool of sex education, in practice the only tool in network that allows gay boys to have serious answers on many things that they couldn’t face anywhere else. 
 
I’ll tell you my story (I wrote you a long time ago and we talked through msn), if you want, publish this email, I think it would make sense because I believe that many guys have gone through similar things to what I’ve been through.
 
I am 25 years old, I’m not really young but I can tell you that I’m only now learning to appreciate the fact that I’m gay and to live homosexuality in another way. I’m from the computer generation and I’m an only child, among other things a child of elderly parents, my father is almost 70 years old and my mother is a bit under 60. Of my parents I can only say well. In my house I’ve always felt at ease.
 
My parents worried about me but they always left me substantial freedom. At 19 I was traveling around Europe in a tent with my friends, they never anguished me with the classic questions like “do you have a girlfriend?” or similar, with them the topic of sex was always taboo, it’s like if they had in mind that they had to stay apart from those things and up to a certain point I agree with them.
 
I had already my pc when I was 14 and I fiddled around a lot. My parents a little because of their mentality, according to which they would never go rummaging through my things, and a little because they don’t understand anything about computers, they would certainly never enter my computer and I used it at the beginning only for school and I didn’t even put a password, then, driven mainly by the stories of my classmates, I started to search, on google, words like sex, pussy, and the like. What comes after you can imagine it.
 
I saved the sites and then I thought it’s risky and I studied how to put the password, I spent two hours to understand how to do but then I succeeded. I had just turned 14. I waited for dad and mom to go to bed and then: sex without brakes! Endless masturbations on straight photos and videos, that is with a boy and a girl, up to high night, but all apparently strictly in a straight key.
 
I say this because now I know it very well, a straight porn can be very interesting also for a gay boy, because there is not only the girl, but at that time I didn’t come to this kind of reasoning, for me if there was a girl on the video, the video was straight and therefore I was fine and I felt allowed to use it.
 
For a few days it went on like this, I felt like a “man” because I was thinking about sex, in the morning, at school, I was so dazed that I fell asleep in class. I arrived to masturbate three or four times a day. In practice, pornography monopolized me completely, I had reached the point that my penis hurt and I thought I had created problems only by insisting too much, but fortunately it was not so.
 
I was a bit succubus of these things and a little I began to think that it was too much and it could compromise my health and then I began to reduce the number of masturbations but at the same time I wanted them to be a powerful thing and then I chose with care the photos or the porn to use, even if at that time the porn was very short.
 
A lot of times I ended up in sites that became impossible to close and I had to close everything turning off the computer, there was no ADSL, and there was the risk of the dialer, that loaded the bill with high figures, but fortunately I have never stumbled on such things, then since I knew that with the ADSL there was no risk of the dialer, I did change my subscription and I put the ADSL, at least from that point of view I was safe.
 
I had just turned 15 and I had noticed one thing, that is, that even if I masturbated using hetero porn sites, in fact, I wasn’t interested at all in girls, and without internet, when I tried to go only with my fantasy on the girls, I didn’t even get a hard-on. I remember that at the time I was very worried, I went to read articles on impotence and I seemed to have all the ills of the world.
 
Then something happened that really upset me. At school, my class was almost entirely male and we were a lot, we did gymnastics without girls at the first two hours, the girls did it with the other girls in the afternoon.
 
At the end of the second year, at the beginning of May, the teacher tells us that the following Monday he would have taken us to the municipal stadium of athletics and tells us “Bring everything with you, even soap, shampoo and towel because at the stadium there are the showers”. At school, on the other hand, there was nothing but a football pitch and a gym, but still with all the wooden tools attached to the walls, like many years ago.
 
The following Monday arrives, well let’s say that it really changed my life. There were not only my classmates but also the older boys of the fourth and fifth (18-19 y. o.).
 
The showers were huge and in the locker room there was a go and come of naked guys, and immediately I had an erection that I couldn’t hold back. Obviously I didn’t take a shower, I was not really in a possible condition, I was the first one to enter the locker room and the last one to get out of it, then at the end of the morning, when I saw someone who went back to the showers, I rushed there and came out after the last of my classmates. Luckily I had the shoulder bag, and instead of putting it on my shoulders I put it on my neck so that it would fall on the front to cover the erection. In practice I had no more doubts, I was not yet 16 years old.
 
Since that day I no longer used straight porn sites, now I felt completely gay. I have to say that I had no problem accepting it, because it was absolutely natural for me and, even without porn, I masturbated easily using fancy, I was fine because the memory of the morning at the stadium was and still is one of my fixed sexual fantasies.
 
Here begins the second part of the story and perhaps the most unpleasant. I had just started to surf gay sites, and many things seemed to fit perfectly with my way of fantasizing about the guys: caressing, hugging, kissing, and wanting to see and touch the other boy’s intimate parts and also let him do exactly the same, all this didn’t create any problems, and spontaneously I had already thought many times even about mutual masturbation, after the famous morning at the stadium.
 
As for the oral sex, ok, it was never a spontaneous thing, but in a sense I told myself that in fact I would have done it on both sides, but many porn videos, practically all, went on with the penetration and frankly it was something that not only had never crossed my mind but sincerely seemed repellent to me, not for a matter of moralism but I just could not conceive of it.
 
The idea of oral sex was a different thing, not spontaneous, but in the end it was possible also for me, but I considered the penetration something extraneous, both on one side or the other. From here I began to wonder if I was really gay,
 
so many jokes about gays alluded to that thing, in porn it was a frequent thing, not really always present but very present (99%). I began to make a selection of videos by eliminating all those that ended up with the penetration and saving everyone else, and then I saw only those that I had saved because I felt them more suitable for me. Then I began to reflect almost obsessively about the fact that I was immature, because I read that when gay guys say “complete intercourse” they allude to anal penetration and I told myself that if there is to be forced, I don’t like it, it is a sign that I’m not really gay, but so what am I?
 
I am one who prefers to stop at an incomplete thing and therefore am I afraid of true gay sex? I tried to masturbate forcing myself to fantasies on the anal penetration but I felt it just like something completely extraneous. This fact for me was very conditioning, in practice even if I had friends who I thought were gay I had never even tried to break the ice and to every attempt on their part I replied in a very cold way because I didn’t feel fully gay and I thought that it would not work anyway, that maybe I would have to adapt, what I did not like at all. Then I ended up on your blog, and there was a link to the novel “Andy”. I was intrigued and I started to read and the more I went on the more I liked it, the text was censored but nevertheless was still understandable. I said to myself: “You have just to wait and these guys too will end up there! (I meant to anal penetration)”. I arrive at the end of chapter 3 and read this passage:
 
– Mark, but you stay with me just to look me in the eyes and to prepare breakfast for me?
– No, not just for that.
– And what else? Say that! Don’t feel conditioned!
– Well, also because I’d like to have sex with you!
– Oh! Finally! And what does it mean for you to have sex with me?
– Well, you know!
– No, I do not know, you must tell me!
– Come on, don’t embarrass me!
– But if you feel embarrassed for this, tonight, I think, we will have very little sex! Come on! Tell me what you’d like to do! Come on, do not make a fuss! [… omissis … (Andy tries in any way to induce Mark to confess what his sexual fantasies are, what he would like to do with Andy.) Mark reticent, at first, then, always using a language that is not directly sexual, talks about his fantasies, but the list of sexual fantasies of Mark is very short.)]
– And then? –
– That’s all!
– No, tell it all without hypocrisy!
– No! That’s really all!
– No! It’s not true, tell all the story!
– No! it’s totally true!
– What did you say?
– Nothing else! finished! There is nothing more!
– Don’t be ashamed, Mark, and the rest?
– There is nothing to add!
– What does nothing mean?
– It means that I don’t like sex from behind. . . how have I to tell you?
– Are you teasing me?
– No! That’s exactly so, if it’s not fit for you I’m sorry, I could also try to adapt but it doesn’t come naturally to me, it would seem to me a forced thing, in my fantasies these things have never existed.
 
Andy became more serious.
 
– Are you sure, Puppy?
– Certainly, keep calm! I know my fantasies well, but why are you grimacing that way?
– Because it never even crossed my brain.
– Don’t make me worry, Andy, tell me the truth!
– I swear, I never thought of making love that way, it’s an idea that has never even touched me.
– Andy, don’t make fun of me on these things, they’re too important!
– No, Puppy, it’s all true! When I looked at porn movies and arrived at that point I closed the video …
– Damn! Is it possible? We are similar also from this point of view!
 
Project, I swear to you that the reading of this passage has really sent my heart to a thousand. So I told myself: “There’s a gay novel about two gay guys who have the same idea of gay sex that I have! And they are gay, they are the protagonists of a novel where there is written: “gay novel”.
 
So I wrote to you, maybe you’ll still remember it, I was “Maybegay”, we talked through msn and you told me that the story of “Andy” is a true story. I didn’t even tell you why I was so interested, maybe you’ll remember, I asked you if you think Andy and Mark are really 100% gay and you were puzzled and you told me: “But why? Can you be more gay than that?”
 
By now I had understood that gays “my way” not only exist but maybe they are not rare, but I had the idea that I would never have found a guy like me, with my way of seeing the things of sex, gays of this type could also exist but I would never have found one.
 
After some time I met a guy at university, we studied together, he didn’t have a girlfriend, he didn’t talk about girls and I saw that he really cared about me, but I didn’t have the courage to break the ice. Fortunately it was he the one who did it, I, on the contrary, with my usual doubts, avoided doing even the slightest step forward, at the end we explicitly said to each other that we were gay and that we liked each other. I told him though that to have sex with me he would have to do two things, I told him: “The first is the aids test” and he told me: “Ok! No problem, I’ve never been with anyone! And the second?” I replied: “You must first read a novel and you must tell me what you think about it, ok?” He said to me:” Of course! Which one?” And I gave him the link to “Andy”, he read it in two days and then we met again. I was very anxious and I asked him: “What do you think of the novel?” He told me: “It’s beautiful! One of the most beautiful things I have read!” I asked him:” But do you think Mark and Andy are gay?” He replied: “If they are not, I don’t know who could be gay!”
 
And I told him : “But they do not have sex from behind.” He looked at me puzzled and told me: “But for you it is so fundamental?” I replied “No, and for you?” He didn’t know what to say, then he said:  “If I must be honest I never understood what people find there. I see it as a something forced, it’s something that never came to my mind.” I told him he had lifted me from a heavy weight and that now we just lacked the test, then I asked him if he felt 100% gay or maybe he felt gay only up to a certain point. He looked at me right in eyes and said: “But who put all these stupid things in your head? Of course I feel 100% gay! Who considers anal penetration as a fundamental thing can do what he wants, it’s his business, do you think perhaps that I have to feel less gay for this? But it would be just absurd!”
 
Well, he’s been my boyfriend for quite a few months now, sex with him is wonderful, but we don’t really think too much about it. We have to finish our studies and find a job in order to live together, because our dream is that. Now, Project, of this email, do whatever you want, but know that “Andy” made me and my boyfriend happy. I’m very grateful to Gay Project. Even my boyfriend has read this mail and we send it to you together. There are many people who love you even if they don’t know you in person.
__________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-one-hundred-percent-gay

HELL AND HEAVEN OF A GAY GUY

Hello Project, I wanted to tell you that for three weeks now I feel much better and it seems to me that I can get out of the black mood. It seems incredible, but it’s happening. Project, what you did for me has never been done by anyone and it seems incredible to me that you can create similar relationships even if you don’t even know who I’m, but it happens. In the last period everything has changed for me, apparently nothing has changed but I’m the one who has changed, I feel that I have changed and I owe it to you. You know all my story and you told me that there are other guys who live and have lived similar things and then I want to tell my story to those guys because not being alone and understanding that we are not alone, for those like me, is fundamental. Project, the story is long and I took so long to write it but I think it makes sense, because in the end I’m finding my way and so I finally feel free. Project, I tell you something true: I adopted you as a father! It’s something that I missed so much and I’m discovering beautiful things! (Thanks for the good wishes, you’re the only one who has remembered it!)

THE STORY OF PAUL

My name is Paul, I was born in Milan almost 28 years ago. If I look back at my childhood and adolescence I find no time in which I can say I was I don’t say happy but not even serene. My parents never got along, from the date of their marriage and from my date of birth I deduced that I was already arriving when they got married, which would not be a problem, but I don’t look like “my father” at all, under any point of view, just as far as genetic factors are concerned, and I think I’m not even a son of the man who married my mother, but I don’t know for sure and I cannot ask for something like that.

My parents (if they really are my parents), I remember that they often screamed and made spite. They had no other children and I was the object of contention, and I had many times, even as a child, the very clear feeling that “my father” didn’t want me because he knew I was not his son. My mother literally considered me a mess and tried to entrust me to relatives and to various campsites. From the age of eight, that is, since they divorced, they put me in a boarding school for rich people. My parents are economically wealthy. But the choice to send me to boarding school was just a way to disguise the fact that their wanted to get rid of me in order to continue living their lives without me. I was just one that had nothing to do with them.

The college was in a very nice place in the [omissis] area. They came to see me once in a while, usually once every three months, once he and one she. When the teachers told me that the next day my father or my mother would come, I felt really bad and I hated them as I think I never hated anyone.

When I was a kid I did not understand these things well and felt guilty because I hated my parents while teachers told me I should love them. In practice I grew totally alone, both during the school months and during the holidays. I specify that my college was totally male and managed by priests. A hateful place where with the excuse of letting me learn the discipline I was practically relegated as in prison. You learned hypocrisy, falsehood, and even the relationships with schoolmates were just of competition and constant acting, even in private.

My schoolmates waited at least for the summer holidays, I didn’t, because I would have ended up somewhere else like a parcel post. When my mother came to my boarding school, she took me to lunch outside and thought she had done her duty. We only talked about school and she tortured me for hours because she thought it was her duty to pay me a long visit. My father at least stayed very little. Both he and she gave me expensive gifts that I systematically threw away or gave away to someone soon after they left.

Since I was 15 years old they have not given me any more presents but they have thought to give me money and many. I never took that money and they considered me an imbecile for this too. So I was in a boarding school and I didn’t have a penny in my pocket.

The school was a real torture for me. In the fifth gymnasium ( 15th grade) I was rejected which meant another year in prison, I would have gone out of college only after have turned 20! Repeating the fifth gymnasium I met a guy that I liked a lot, I didn’t even understand why.

We were in a religious college and we had a spiritual father. So I started to masturbate thinking about that guy and I felt tremendous guilt. I told the priest that I was masturbating and he didn’t take it as a tragic thing, he always made the same speech and stopped there, but I didn’t say to the priest that I felt homosexual. Once I went badly in crisis and told him that I was gay. It was a terribly wrong choice! College life has become a torture. They controlled me visually as the rotten apple. I always had a priest nearby during my free time. In a first moment I tried to repress and control myself, that is, not to masturbate anymore and even to stop thinking about that guy, but it was a real torture. I resisted even three weeks by auto-imposing not to even think about sex but then I didn’t do it anymore and I masturbated again and I said: “Enough with these absurdities! Go to the hell!”

Since then I began to tell the spiritual father only false things: that I no longer thought of the boys and that I didn’t even masturbate anymore, but I presented it step by step to make it seem credible, I was 16 and a half years old. Naturally I went to church every day, confessed false things and made communion every day. It was a sacrilegious thing, I know, religion should be a free choice, while for me it was just an instrument of torture and frankly I didn’t feel guilty, and why, then? In our college there were never any common moments with other guys in a state of freedom.

At school we did physical education but in the afternoon, there was the gym, also very nice, but there were no locker rooms, no showers. We arrived wearing sports uniform and went away wearing sports uniform. Among other things, it was generally very cold there. We each had a single room with a private bathroom and shower. So I had no chance to see the boy I was interested in if not perfectly dressed, jacket and tie of the college.

I started masturbating since the 16 and a half, but in a place like that, without the internet (considered as the devil!) And without any chance to read an uncensored book or buy a newspaper, in practice, I did everything using fantasy. I selected someone among my classmates and built on them all my fantasies. The first times, this new regime seemed acceptable and even pleasant, then I began to realize that I was throwing my best years this way. The year of the final examination, in November, I also escaped from the college, I was of age, in fact I was almost 20 years old but I didn’t have a penny in my pocket. I arrived at the station after having walked a very long way and I got on a train without paying the ticket and I locked myself in the bathroom until the arrival in Milan so that they couldn’t detect me.

In the college room I had left a letter saying that I would be back in the evening. In Milan I realized for the first time, at almost 20, that the world existed, something that was shocking for me, I was late for years. In the afternoon I newly got the train with the same technique and I came back to the boarding school. Result: they kicked me out of the college! Finally! Of course they warned my parents, who were careful not to come and see what had happened. My mother gave me some money (a telegraphic order) and I have been in a hotel since then in the town near the college.

Then my mother found me a tiny apartment there and they transferred me to the state high school. There were the girls! I had never seen one before, but I wasn’t interested in girls. But the world of the state school was completely different. The professors sometimes even talked about sex, no one forced us to go to mass, there was no spiritual father and we did physical education in a gym with locker room and showers, I couldn’t even imagine a trauma bigger than that .

You might think that in a situation like this I felt good, but it was not like that at all. I felt desperately alone, full of complexes, I had entered the locker room just once for a moment, but after I saw my naked mates I didn’t enter there anymore. They were all there joking and having fun but I just felt the heart beating at 180. The feeling of loneliness and isolation was total. I had a mini-apartment all of my own and fortunately the feeling of solitude sometimes seemed a feeling of freedom.

To prepare the exam I bought a computer and there a new world opened in front of me. Avalanches of free gay sex, but those things sickened me. A few years ago even in porn things were different, they were more vulgar, more aggressive and I didn’t like them at all. When I masturbated thinking about my schoolmates I was fine but when I tried to imagine myself in scenes like the ones I had seen on porn sites I was nauseated. In practice I saw that gay content on the net was all sex but in the most vulgar sense of the term.

I studied very little that year because I had to grow up in many other things. In the end I passed the final examination with a very low rating. But at least the school’s torture was over. I was sorry because the following year there would be no more chance to see my schoolmates naked in the locker room, what, by the way, had almost never happened, but at least there was the possibility.

I leave my apartment and I move to Milan in another apartment paid by my parents. A minimal thing. My parents lived in Milan but I would never have gone to their home, now we no longer called each other not even by phone, after my escape from the college I was considered just a blockhead and the low-grade of my diploma was the further proof of it.

I enrolled in Engineering at the Polytechnic shortly after I turned 20. So many guys and beautiful, but I was totally unable to maintain contact with them even at the minimum level, I felt embarrassed, I felt them more grown up than I was in every sense, even if my classmates had a year less than me. I had tried everything: I enrolled in the gym and then I never went there, I tried to see if it was possible to study with some of my colleagues but always went wrong, they were real geniuses, and I understood little or nothing at all.

The first year I passed a single examination with 19 [18/30 is the minimum score to pass an exam]. At least it was not 18! The second year I newly attended the same courses of the first and I passed a single exam again but with 20! I was 22 years old I was basically a failure from all points of view. Bad university results, practically between university and school, three years lost. I tried to repeat again the first year, but I could not endure it anymore.

My colleagues were three years younger than me and they understood everything, I didn’t understand anything and I didn’t study anything, I felt essentially a failure. I sent everything to ruin, I bought things to eat that went bad in the fridge, sometimes I didn’t get up from bed all day, I ate very little and lose weight dramatically. I have arrived to weigh 55 kilos, even though I am not very tall it’s anyway very few.

At the age of 23 I changed faculty and moved to Economics. The thing was more human and at the end of the year, working at terrible rhythms, I managed to do almost all the exams of the first year. At least from that point of view things started working again. I took my first degree at the age of 27! After too many years lost! I did the first year of the specialistic but of the exams that were planned I did little more than a half because I started working and I finally cut the economic cordons with my family. From this point of view, let’s say, I managed to return to the surface, but my emotional life, in practice, until recently didn’t exist at all.

Since last year I discovered Gay Project and I must say that for me it was an important thing. I read the forum every day and the guys who write there, it seems to me I almost to know them in person, a little I feel them as friends, because I don’t have gay friends. So basically until this year my sexuality was only fancy and I thought that a real contact with a guy, that is, something that gives you a strong sexual emotion I would never have tried it.

I had practically resigned myself to such a thing, resigned badly, let’s say so, because sometimes I saw some nice guys, I wanted at least to try to talk with them but I couldn’t really and I felt a sense of extreme despair. Now I work as an accountant, in practice I verify the “form 730”, “Unique” and things like that, work of low labor, but all in all I can live of my own.

At work, a 26-year-old guy arrived, rather nice, that is, I like him and he also attracts me sexually. Since I met him, it has been my only sexual fixed idea. I think all of you have gone through things like that. First you start to masturbate thinking of that guy, then it comes to your mind that you don’t know if he’s gay, well, I’ve overcome all these things, he told me he’s gay because I would never had such a courage and he also said that he likes me.

He had tried a minimum of physical contact with me but I rejected him badly, I did a kind of hysterical scene and then I ended up to cry, just an attack of despair, he was in a tremendous embarrassment and I was sorry very much because in the end I wanted him but I rejected him so violently that he got really scared and started to keep me at a distance. I could not understand why if I wanted him, and I wanted him madly, in the end I had attacked him like that.

That’s where the Project forum happened to me and I said to myself: I try, so what do I have to lose? And I called. At first a tremendous embarrassment. From what I’ve read many guys talk about sex in a very casual way but I just couldn’t.

The first time, we talked for hours but always in a very vague, and never about sex, I thought that Project was tired but no. Then I called him back, but still without talking about sex, the third time he called me, I was not expecting it and I was very happy and even the third time we didn’t talk about sex. In fact I had been looking for Project just to talk about sex and instead a very strange relationship was created which I was not really used to. A man that could be my father was talking with me for hours, he listened to me, a very strange feeling. I asked him why he was listening to me and he told me that he was at ease and in fact I was fine too, so I found the courage and told him about me, telling him a little about the story you read up to now. I also said of the anxiety that takes me when I’m with my friend and that I thought I would never be able to have a sexual contact with him.

One thing struck me: de-dramatization. Project took it for granted that it would not be a big problem and that it would be resolved soon and well. We talked about sexuality very freely. Well it was remarkable: I had no inhibitions, something that had never happened to me before when the talk ended up on sexual issues. I never thought I could talk freely with a man of that age and instead it just happened. Then in the following days, we talked often. If I have to tell the truth I felt the affection of Project, the attention to what I said and what I am.

Why did I write all this post? Well, the reason is one, yesterday, for the first time, I managed to kiss that guy. I had never experienced anything like this, just a feeling of total mutual abandonment. The time that stops and you end up to merge with another guy, a wonderful thing, let’s tell it, because of these things I’m not ashamed anymore, the excitement was such that I came to orgasm for a kiss! When I told this to Project, he told me some beautiful things. It’s true Project, being gay is a beautiful thing and makes you forget so many bad things you’ve been through. Now I consider that guy as my boyfriend, and he thinks the same! Guys! Never let anyone throw you down! I now feel like another person!

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GAY SEXUAL EDUCATION

Acquisition of basic concepts: male, female, couple and family
 
This chapter is dedicated to sex education, with particular regard to the sexual education of gay boys. All education, and therefore also sexual education, aims to convey systems of values and to distinguish between right and wrong, moral and immoral, normal and not normal, basically, the sexual education can be taken as a guide  to distinguish what is to be accepted from what is to be rejected. Here I will use the categories of normal and non-normal.
 
Before sexual education in the strict sense, there is a phase of acquisition of concepts that will be taken as fundamental postulates, as obvious and indisputable structures of society, and in this sense will be considered normal. This phase begins very early; the contents transmitted include the difference between boy and girl, the behaviors assumed as typical of the boy and of the girl, the idea of the family, like father, mother and children, and also the idea of couple. And it is precisely through the acquisition of the concept of heterosexual couple as a normal thing that the discrimination of homosexuality begins.
 
The couples that appear in the comics of Walt Disney are always heterosexual: Donald Duck and Daisy, Mickey Mouse and Minnie, Horace and Clarabelle, etc. etc. and couples are presented by insisting on different attitudes of the male and female. Daisy is flirtatious and vain, Donald Duck is confusing and clumsy. Minnie is attentive to beauty and self-care, Mickey Mouse is concerned with investigating and solving police cases, but inevitably Donald Duck is in love with Daisy and Mickey Mouse with Minnie. The child, well before being able to understand what falling in love means, assumes that it is normal and obvious that a couple is formed of a boy and a girl. These messages, subliminal and pounding at the same time, constitute a substantial educational push not to heterosexuality in itself but to consider heterosexuality normal before knowing what it is about.
 
School books and heterosexual culture
 
The transmission of messages that underline the normality of heterosexuality continues to adulthood through many ways. Whoever has a school book in his hands that speaks of literature will notice that the point of view of the book, while having all the appearance of objectivity, is in all cases the typical hetero point of view. It is enough to say that the stories of love that we are talking about are, except for very rare exceptions, heterosexual stories and in the very rare cases in which stories with homosexual background are mentioned, which in the ancient world were not very rare and therefore cannot be omitted at 100%, the way to deal with the topic is substantially different from that used to describe heterosexual stories. Examples of couples of famous lovers, such as Paolo and Francesca, Abelard and Eloisa, Lancelot and Guinevere, and down to Renzo and Lucia and up to the contemporaries, are always made up of heterosexual couples. 
 
Sexual education through films and television
 
Even on television there are basically only stories of heterosexual love or passion. The appearance of television series centered on homosexuality, like the famous Queer as folk, is something that is spoken about a lot, almost an event, because it is absolutely exceptional, and we must keep in mind that in these series, homosexuality is presented as a social phenomenon perfectly structured in itself and substantially separate from the ordinary hetero world, the normality of gay reality is not at all emphasized, just the stereotype is stressed, that is gay reality is presented not in its complexity and its ordinariness but through a particular gay reality very ritualized, that one represented by the mass media, which is objectively only a little section of gay reality but risks to be mistaken for the real gay world.
 
Basically, given the general invisibility of the most relevant part of the gay world, i.e. of undeclared gays, the images of homosexuality that can be found in the cinema, on television or in comics (where they start timidly to appear), are only those of the gay visible world, with its collective rituals and its stereotypes, they are images that are very far from the real life of the vast majority of gays and, moreover, for show needs they are presented with particular tones and with a particular underlining.
 
Gays almost never appear on TV as ordinary people who one can meet in everyday life. Except for very few exceptions,  the idea of gay presence in society as a normal component of society itself still has no place in cinema and literature. The images used by advertising are often full of sexual allusions, even very explicit and they are almost always allusions to heterosexual sexuality. The very rare images that allude to gay couples or to contents referring to homosexuality are often the cause of scandal and are remembered above all for their exceptional nature and for the controversies they have provoked.
 
Sexual education and sport
 
Also sport helps to underline the idea of heterosexuality as normality and therefore of homosexuality as deviance. Discussions on the presence or absence of gay players in the national team or in other teams are very indicative of this trend. Coaches and players are quick to point out that there are no gays in their teams, which is like saying that there are no pathological cases and that everything is normal.
 
Religion and sexual education
 
The attitudes of total closure of the Catholic Church with respect to homosexuality are well known. The Church doesn’t limit itself to reaffirming the centrality of the heterosexual couple but states a prejudicial sentence and without appeal against  homosexuality. The official documents of the Church, beyond impromptu interviews with apparently conciliatory tones, are and remain among the manifestations of the more radical intolerance towards homosexuality.
 
It could be objected that the television series, the comics, the attitudes of the Church or those of the sports world are not true forms of sexual education, it remains the fact that all or almost all the messages to which the boys, who are growing, are exposed, are messages endowed with a communicative power far superior to that of any form of classical sexual education, and contain repeated and concordant underlining of the normality of heterosexuality and therefore of the non-normality of homosexuality.
 
Parents and sexual education
 
The condemnation of homosexuality is implicit but it is and is understood as very clear. It should be added that, in all this, the attitudes and expectations of the family have enormous weight. Parents hardly worry about the possibility that the boy can be gay and behave with him by taking absolutely for granted that they are dealing with a heterosexual boy and therefore they always believe they are legitimized to project their expectations into the boy and to direct him in the direction that, in good faith, they judge the most appropriate for the boy himself.
 
Sexual education: taboo and scandal
 
Sexuality, all sexuality, is still affected by a category of religious origin, that is, the idea of taboo, of the forbidden, and therefore of the transgressive. Of sexuality one can also speak but always in general terms, by categories, never explicitly and with reference to oneself. Sexuality, in other words, is not considered a normal topic of conversation, it is something that should be omitted, at least for good education. The idea of the taboo implies that of the scandal, the idea that one can create a scandal is very significant, because scandal means publicity and also money, so newspapers, magazines and gossip blogs put the sexuality of a person on the streets when that sexuality turns out to be not normal, especially when it comes to conjugal betrayals or homosexuality.
 
Building one’s own concept of sexuality
 
Naturally, the boys, with the maturity, gradually build their own idea of sexuality and, if they are gay, specifically of homosexuality, which progressively detaches itself from the concepts learned in a subliminal way in childhood and early adolescence. In other words, with the passing of the years boys open their eyes and realize that the reality of sexuality, in general, is very different from ideal models, that the model of marriage as a natural love union of a man and a woman if it’s considered for what it really is, shows all its fragility, so much so that in Italy the majority of marriages don’t hold up over time and that, as regards homosexuality, in particular, reality is totally different from how it is represented.
 
Repressive sexual education
 
The weight of the internet in this path towards awareness is often decisive. It is much easier to talk seriously and without sexual taboos with a 35/40-year-old man than with an 18/20 year-old boy who is still deeply conditioned by behavioral patterns and interpretation patterns of external origin. There are still many young people in their twenties who don’t have a realistic idea of how others experience sexuality. I would add that there are twenty-year-old guys who are literally terrified by the idea that something of their sexuality can be leaked to their parents.
 
In some circles, even today, gay guys suffer real forms of violent repression that unfortunately leads them to make choices that over time will prove devastating for their emotional life and for their personal balance. I happen to talk to guys over 20 who have never before had any chance to talk seriously about their sexuality. Talking with these guys allows us to understand the depth of their discomfort and the need for them to be reassured in order to be able to look at the future with concrete hope.
 
To get out of certain environments and earn a true autonomy it takes a huge effort and guys are often completely abandoned to themselves and discouraged in their every attempt to emancipate themselves and to build a better perspective. Very often families or are totally incapable of realizing the difficulties of their sons or are inclined to consider as a priority the traditional way of life to maintain a reputation at least apparent in front of the people. In some circles, even today, a 20-year-old boy he cannot afford not to have a girlfriend if he doesn’t want to be substantially marginalized. The state of suffering caused by these situations is really heavy. Here not only is there no sexual education to freedom and responsibility but there is a real form of educational violence that doesn’t propose but imposes coercive behavior patterns through very heavy forms of masked blackmailing. This imposition attitude is opposed to that of complete indifference which is instead characteristic of environments that are considered more open and free.
 
Risks of obscurantism and prohibition
 
It should be emphasized that, for the boys, talking seriously about sexuality and clarifying their doubts in this matter is fundamental and the absence of any form of comparison ends up inducing them to seek answers away from the daily dimension, in environments that seem the most suitable to acquire concrete knowledge on the subject of sexuality and in particular of homosexuality. I speak primarily of the pornography, which presents models, apparently gratifying and simple, endowed with a force of persuasion well beyond that of words.
 
Obscurantist or prohibitionist attitudes regarding sexuality have effects that are exactly opposite to those envisaged. If the parents, the school, the Church and the sports environment consider sexuality to be a taboo, the boys will go in search of spaces where they can obtain information in a clear way and can even live their first experiences, through the internet, first of all through pornography and then through erotic chats and dating sites. The huge number of people who use these sites is largely due to the absence of any form of sexual education at the family or school level, as well as, obviously, to the repression of sexual spontaneity.
 
Pornography on the net
 
In the past years pornography on the Internet was presented with criteria of strong aggression and in very stereotypical forms, access to the sites was generally paid and the presence of dialers to charge the user very high telephone charges was a deterrent that helped to keep the vast majority of kids out of those environments. Today things have changed, the free porn sites, which are financed exclusively by theme advertising, are many and recently the blogs created by individual users to collect photos from the web and to republish them, are widely spreading. this is the phenomenon of re-blogging, which has a particular meaning when it comes to erotic sites (these sites are not are about explicit pornography but show content vaguely related to sexuality, such as nude photos or short movies taken by a candid camera, with some sexual implication). The re-blogging has led to the creation of sites that have nothing to do with the old heavy pornography, that was present on the Internet years ago, these sites are managed with good taste, sometimes they have no commercial purposes and it is not surprising that they have a public in progressive increase. Even these blogs with an erotic theme, however, inevitably present behavior patterns.
 
Pornography and today also the re-blogging of erotic content constitute for many gay guys the sexual model of reference, somehow a true sex education. It should be kept in mind that the boys’ approach to pornography starts very early and that the first contact usually takes place between 13 and 14 years, so at an extremely receptive age compared to content related to sexuality.
 
The use of pornography is closely connected with masturbation and is, above all for straight boys, a topic of discussion with peers. For them, talking about these things with their friends is still possible and not risky, for gay boys it is easy to realize from the speeches of other boys that the sexuality of those boys is another and it is easy to deduce the wrong conclusion that there is something wrong with gay sexuality.
 
For a straight boy the messages coming from pornography are filtered through the speeches made with friends and have a less important value than for a gay boy, who on those topics generally doesn’t have the possibility of interpersonal comparison. I would add that the first sexual relationships of heterosexual boys are generally considerably more anticipated than the first sexual relationships of gay boys and present themselves as a sort of license to adulthood, for gay boys instead, masturbation on the basis of pornography replaces sexuality lived with other guys for very long periods and ends up consolidating the models offered by pornography.
 
Sexual education delegated to Church and pornography
 
In social contexts, such as the Italian one, in which moralism dominates and in which sex is the most widespread and rooted educational taboo, there is no serious form of sexual education given through institutional and lay channels, that is, not affected by prejudices of religious origin, which means that the sexual education of boys is almost totally delegated to the Church and to pornography.
 
Although the conditioning weight of the education given by the Church is still significant in many cases, the element that really dominates the sexual education of boys in today’s Italy is certainly pornography via the Internet. Given that in fact a very delicate educational task is up to the pornography, let us ask ourselves if it is really able to perform such a task by showing the true gay sexuality as it is actually experienced, or if pornography shows something substantially different from reality, in particular, let us ask ourselves if and how gay pornography influences the true sexuality of gays, beyond the fact that it represents such a sexuality more or less correctly.
 
Hetero-gay and gay-gay models of male-male relationship
 
Let’s start from the definition of heterosexual male (hetero) as a male person who falls in love both on an emotional and sexual level with women or girls, and of homosexual male (or gay) as a person, always male, who falls in love both on the emotional and sexual level with men or guys.
 
According to the common notion, an emotional or sexual relationship “male homosexual” or, briefly, “homosexual” is a relationship “between two male persons”, but it is clear that, in fact, the situations that can occur are two and are clearly different from each other. If the relationship is created between two gays we will talk about gay-gay relationship, if it on the contrary it is created between a heterosexual and a gay we will talk about a hetero-gay relationship. It should not be surprising that hetero-gay relationships exist, because a heterosexual, who “falls in love” affectionately and sexually only with women or girls, can nevertheless, for various reasons, build also sexual relationships, generally without a true affective component, with gay guys, the phenomenon, indeed, is and overall has been quite common, as we will see in the section on gay sexuality. Historically, hetero-gay and gay-gay relationships were born in very different eras and have been structured according to very different models.
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LOVE IN A GAY FAMILY

Hello Project, my name is Laurence and I live in a small town in the North East, we ought to be almost the same age. The idea of this email came to me because Andrew, a young guy who changed my life, told me about your forum and I went to read it with a huge curiosity. There is a section on older gays and it is not abandoned! In short, reading I had the impression that your way of seeing things is not very far from mine, that among gays is not so easy to find. 
 
I am 57 years old, Andrew is 31, but I have to say right away, we are two gays but there has never been sex between us, such a thing can have passed through my mind, ok, it is a fact, as it has also passed through his mind, but it never happened, because the fear of destroying what was consolidated between us held us back. I met Andrew when he was 16 and I 42. I have been always an undeclared gay and I didn’t even have gay friends. There was no internet, and if it had been there it would not have been my passion.
 
Professionally at 42 I had achieved my professional accomplishment. I was a lawyer and I was dealing with divorces. One day in February 1993 a gentleman introduces himself to  me with the typical way of doing of people of rather high social class and tells me that he intends to separate himself from his wife, but what strikes me is not the attitude of that gentleman towards his wife but his insistence that his wife had had in an extramarital relationship for many years and that their son or their alleged son would actually be the son of his wife’s lover. I asked him how old was the boy and he told me 16.
 
I accepted the cause of separation “because of the lady” telling my client that the custody of the son, especially in a condition like the one he declared, would have been granted anyway to his mother, because he actually had denied paternity but my client didn’t seem upset at all and on the contrary seemed almost happy.
 
A few days later I called the lady to understand her reasons and after a couple of days she showed up at my studio with her son, that is with Andrew. He was already a beautiful guy, he shook my hand without any hesitation. The lady was sure that the son was son of her husband because at the time she didn’t even know her friend, but she didn’t intend to resist the possible disavowal of the paternity. All this was quite unusual, but one thing bothered me more than all the rest: the lady, also certainly wealthy, was not in the least disturbed by the fact that the husband wanted to separate from her by blaming her, but seemed worried by the idea of having to keep her son in the house where she lived with her partner, who certainly wouldn’t have liked cohabitating with the son of the lady.
 
I asked the lady to talk separately with her son. The lady was a bit perplexed but finally said yes. When I found myself alone with Andrew, face to face, I asked him why neither his father nor his mother wanted to cohabit with him, and the answer baffled me: “They don’t want me because I’m gay and so I’m not even a son for them”. I smiled as if to say: “But is it possible?”  He smiled too. Then he made a strange gesture, for a guy of his age, he took from my desk a business card of the studio and told me: “Later I’ll explain, now let mom in, otherwise she worries.” I called his mother and we said hello.
 
I don’t deny that what had just happened had disturbed me and not a little, the behavior of Andrew was absolutely free and spontaneous, after the exchange of smiles he was no longer afraid of me. I thought, however, that the thing would have had no following, if not on a professional level, but it was not so.
 
The same evening, very late, after midnight, Andrew called me on the cell phone and always calling me by name, he kept talking with me for a long time. I’m wary by nature, so I spoke in a formal way, because I was afraid of being registered, but here and there I let go out a few words of encouragement. We talked almost two hours. In the following days almost the same thing happened almost every day. I canceled all my commitments in the evening because I knew that Andrew would call me. It was nice to talk to him, step by step we came to talk about everything.
 
I did not know whether to tell him that I was gay too, it could be a very dangerous thing, but then I told him, he replied that he understood it from the beginning and that for this he had taken my business card. Slowly I too put aside all my perplexities. Andrew talked about everything, even about sex and in a very serious way and, what could seem incredible, I did the same with him, I talked about me, my desires, my dreams and he answered me as one who knows exactly what to say and how to say it.
 
The legal proceeding came to define the separation of the parents and Andrew has been entrusted to mother and he was yet 17 and a half years old and basically we were on the phone every night. The thing was absolutely normal, his mother didn’t know it and when she saw him on the phone she thought he was talking to another guy. One day in March of 94 (I don’t say the day), Andrew turns 18, I wish him well. I had told him I would have a little party at my house. He shows up at six in the evening with two huge suitcases and tells me: “What is my room?” I look at him puzzled and he says: “I don’t want to stay at my mother’s house a minute longer!” We prepare his room. Needless to say, I was happy.
 
Andrew then attended the second classic (the twelfth class). I felt like I was coming down in a new role, that of Dad. He looks at me and says: “Why don’t you adopt me?”. I quickly took stock of the situation. I no longer had parents and I have no siblings, so something like that would not have undermined anyone. I answer him: “Yes we can, yes!” He hugs me and messes up my hair, then crouches down on the couch cross-legged and tells me: “It would be not so bad! But in the meantime you have to start to assume such a role properly.”
 
The next day there were talks with the teachers, he urged me to go with him to the talks. I asked him if the professors knew his parents, but he said that neither his father nor his mother had ever gone to speak with the teachers. The night before he tells me about the school, the teachers, about what I had to say. The next afternoon I make my debut as a dad. Andrew was good at school, indeed very good, and I tried to do my part well. The professor. of Mathematics told me that it was a pleasure to meet me and that I had be proud of having a son like Andrew! I cannot deny that I felt in seventh heaven!
 
Over time, the relationship with Andrew has become very strong. When he had a boy I saw him happy and he talked to me about it. This, although it may seem strange, has never created any problem. Andrew was so moderate: he never drank alcohol, he never smoked, he didn’t like going to parties. I already loved him then with all my soul. Sometimes with the guys he had bad experiences, that is, he deluded himself a lot, when the disappointment came, he sat in an armchair and said to me: “What are you doing when you’re sad?” And we kept talking for hours.
 
In April of 98, our life changed. Andrew met Peter, a very good guy, also 21 years old. At the beginning it seemed like one of Andrew’s usual stories, important but relative, then he told me that he wanted to try to live alone with Peter. That was the most difficult time for me. I was afraid of losing Andrew but not only I haven’t lose him but I also found Peter. I had a studio, a kind of attic with a single room but very large. We furnished it and Andrew and Peter went to live there, on the fifth floor, I lived on the second, at the beginning they were a little on their own, then slowly they started coming to lunch every day at my house, then even at dinner, at the end, in practice they lived in my house and went to the fifth floor just to sleep.
 
We’ve been living like this for 10 years now. Now both Andrew and Peter work and they could very well buy a little house to live on their own, but they don’t leave. We spend 15 days together in the summer all the three of us and we go around Europe. Even Peter is a very good guy, even he is an unwanted child. They treat me like a dad, for me it’s a wonderful thing, when they leave on their own they call me twice a day so as not to worry me. By now they are no longer two boys but they are two adult men. I have a little fear of old age because I could create problems for them, but they pamper me in an incredible way.
 
There is only one thing, stupid perhaps, that I miss a little, they always call me Laurence while I would like them to call me dad, but perhaps they didn’t even think about it. Now we are basically a strange family: a man of 57 and two of thirty-one. If I look back to my past, my gay dream was another, I also wanted to live the couple life like Andrew and Peter, I wanted to have a sexual life, which I only had between 30 and 35 years old and with a person who has always told me a lot of lies and who then suddenly disappeared without even saying hello. As a young man I wanted a world like Andrew’s and Peter’s but I didn’t have it, but in old age things have changed for me and I think I can say I have lived a full-blown fatherhood. I feel like a daddy, they treat me like a dad, so lovingly. There are people who say that the family is the so-called normal formed by a straight couple and children, that is a family of blood, ok, it’s a fact, but mine, that of Andrew and Peter, why should it not be considered a family? I don’t say of myself, for heaven’s sake, but these two guys, why don’t they have any protection in the name of the protection of marriage? What’s that got to do with it? They love each other and love me. But is it possible that all this doesn’t have to count for anything? When they will need someone it will not be the family of origin to remember them, but they will have to help each other. If I didn’t have these two guys I would be just an old man who would end up being looked after by a caregiver or some institution, if I have a future it’s because they are there and because they love me, but all of this on a social level counts for nothing!
 
Now, Project, publish this story so that someone reads it because it is not a fantasy but it is a testimony to the truth, that truth that so many people don’t want to hear, is a testimony to the seriousness of gay guys and to the things they are capable of, if only they find people willing to love them.
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-love-in-a-gay-family