Dear Project,I’m writing to you because I’m in a whirlwind of emotions that upsets me and I cannot tell anyone my story, you will soon understand why.
I’m a guy who lives in a large Italian city, I’m 22 years old, I study at university and have a family that I would call good, I’m not talking about money because there is enough of it and not more, I say that my family it’s good because I respect my parents. I specify that I’m an only child. They always left me the maximum freedom, at 14 I had the house keys, they never liked to get involved in my private things. They don’t know I’m gay, or at least I think they don’t. I never brought a girl home or talked about girls, and they never asked me questions about girls. I can go back late in the evening, sleep away from home on the weekends and they don’t ask questions anyway.
When we happened to see TV broadcasts about gay people there was no prejudice. I remember a phrase from my father: “Everyone must be able to live as he wants if he doesn’t harm others.” But despite these elements that could have pushed me to come out, I never did, I don’t know why, but instinctively I didn’t trust my parents too much. Project, I think if I did it now they wouldn’t have any particular problems, but now that’s not my bigger problem.
I attended high school in a serious school, and in this I was lucky. My teachers, especially those of the three final years, were really good, I liked going to school. My class was considered among the best. In the third year, that is, at 16 years old, since our class was too small, they added a group of students who came from a class that had been dismembered. They were three guys and two girls. Even then I didn’t care much for girls. However, the three girls after a few days changed schools and only the three guys remained in my class. One was black, Alan (here I will call him so), one was Albanian and we called him Alban, which is anyway a true Albanian name, but this was not his name, and one was Italian and here I will call him Mino.
Already at 16 he was a handsome guy, tall and well-structured, in short I liked him. The teachers immediately noticed that the three new guys were far behind with the programs and organized study groups in the afternoon, because the school was also open in the afternoon. The three new guys had to go to school in the afternoon for two hours with three schoolmates (tutors) and a teacher who organized the work. Alan and Alban were really involved in this work organization and made remarkable progress, Mino instead considered the afternoon lessons as an imposed and substantially useless obligation, played, wasted time, drove crazy his schoolmate who acted as a tutor, and sometimes even the teacher. I was good at school and I tried to be chosen as a tutor for Mino as often as possible because I didn’t care about Alan and Alban, but the rules were tight and well defined and I could tutor Mino twice a week at most.
Mino was a guy who, as far as I knew, had a lot of money and very little desire to study, I was infatuated with him, but he used to say only nonsense. I could not understand how such a beautiful guy did not realize that he was just wasting time, I tried to convince him to study, of course, if possible to study “together with me”, but the results were very poor. Once I went to his house to prepare a math classwork, but among snacks, records, photographs and various nonsense we did not do anything. I thought: “Mino will be rejected!” and really he behaved only as an idiot. I felt bad for him, because I realized that he was going to the disaster and was not doing anything to reverse the trend, then he started to do a lot of absences and in mid-December he went to a private school. Once he came to see us and said to Alan and Alban: “What are you doing here wasting time? Come to my school! otherwise they will reject you here!” But Alan and Alban didn’t change school, at the end of the first period of school they got some little insufficiency but teachers encouraged them because they were always present and did everything they could to improve. In the end, both of them have been promoted without any particular problems, and they were really happy.
The fourth year Alban changed a lot physically and he became a really handsome guy and I started losing my mind for him. Of course I was careful not to let him realize it, but we had become friends and he occasionally came to study at my house. It was not like with Mino, for Alban, studying was something serious and many times I realized that he was one step ahead of me. Alban was a very good guy and I liked him a lot, I talked about everything with him, but obviously never about sex. I had never seen him with a girl and I had deduced form it that our friendship was perhaps not just a simple friendship. Since the Easter holidays I have cultivated my secret love affair with Alban, we used to meet often and I also went to his house several times, and right at his house I realized traumatically that Alban was straight. One day, while we were studying, a very nice girl came to his house, and there was no doubt that she was Alban’s girl. I felt like someone on whom the roof of the house is about to fall but anyhow I acted like a medieval knight, when I was alone with Alban I congratulated him on his girlfriend and he was really happy! It seems a little strange but I was happy too. The year ended quietly and I tried to think of other things.
The last year of school we had to go on a school trip before Christmas to spend ten days in Austria. We all leave, no one excluded, we were 18 students and I happened to share the room with Alan. In the evening we go on talking before going to sleep. I tell Alan that Alban had a beautiful girl, I was expecting a comment on the girl and instead Alan answers me with a phrase that makes my blood freeze, he says to me: “Oh yes, Alban is straight!” I was really blown away and after a few seconds later I asked him: “What do you mean?” and Alan replied: “That he’s not like us …” again after a few seconds, I replied: “No! It’s not like us!” this was our coming out. Then Alan said to me: “You tried it first with Mino and then with Alban, but they were from the other parish” I asked him: “But how did you realize it?” and he only replied: “Well …”. In short, before the Christmas holidays I realized I had a gay friend, because Alan and I were friends, I could trust him and I couldn’t trust anyone else.
During the Christmas holidays we didn’t meet, I was happy that Alan was gay and also that he was my friend but I wasn’t in love with him, not because he wasn’t a nice guy or because he didn’t deserve it, but, brutally, because he was black and I had never considered the possibility of having a black guy, that is, I had never made fantasies about a black guy, but I liked him from many points of view, he was very polite, very respectful of me and my way of seeing things and was extraordinarily intelligent, so much so that at school he had become more or less the first in the class. In short, I spent all the Christmas holidays thinking about Alan, listing all the reasons why in my opinion a story with him couldn’t have worked and on the other hand he too could have a thousand problems staying with someone like me, because maybe he had only fantasized about black guys.
At the beginning of January I was really convinced that there would never be anything between me and Alan, but we were both gay and we got to speak clearly about this problem. I asked him how he would react if I told him I was falling in love with him and he replied. “We are friends and I love you as a friend … and a little more, but you have to keep your feet on the ground. Being a gay couple is difficult, but being a gay couple as we would be it’s even more difficult.” I asked him if he had thought about it and he said yes but added that we had to go very slowly, in practice we decided we had to wait and think about the final exams first. So we remained friends, we used to say “just friends”, but with him I was fine, I felt safe.
He had repeatedly probed the ground with me to understand what I wanted to do at the university and he had told me his point of view. He was very well informed, he had gone to the orientation meetings since the previous year, he knew all the sites of the Ministry of the university with the study programs of all the faculties, it was obvious that choosing the same faculty would mean something more than attending the same faculty. That same evening we enrolled in the same faculty. The first exchange of pampering with him happened just in the evening we sent university enrollment. He was very affectionate and always repeated to me: “If you should have any doubt at any time you must feel totally free, we would remain two friends attending the same faculty and I will love you anyway! Exactly three years have passed since that day and we have been together for three years.
He didn’t say anything to his parents because gays are not very well seen at his home and I don’t know how to behave with my parents. I saw that movie: “Guess who’s coming to dinner” and I wish that with our parents it would happen what happened in the film, but here there is the fact that we are also two gays and the complications increase. Now we are at this point. What to do? In my opinion and also in his opinion, we must not take risky steps, we must finish our studies and try to be economically autonomous, so we can go to another city, perhaps abroad, to build our lives there, maybe in two different houses on the same landing. Project something happened that I NEVER would have expected and instead it happened! I’m fine with him, but we have to be careful of what’s around.
Let me know what you think. If you want, publish the email because there is nothing recognizable.
If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-story-in-black-and-white