HETEROSEXUAL EXPERIENCES OF A GAY GUY

Project, I wanted to ask you an opinion on something that happened to me and that put me quite upside down. I am 22 years old, I am rather clumsy with the things of sex, in practice I have never had sexual experiences with either girls or guys. I always thought I was gay because the girls never attracted me and my sexual fantasies were always for guys, except very rare cases, when I was 16, and deliberately forced myself to think about girls but, let’s say so, with a minimal physiological reaction, practically almost nothing. 
 
About a month ago I met a girl from my city (a small northern city) on the campsite, she is about my age, we were both with our friends, I was with three other guys and she with two guys and another girl, then we met at the sea in the morning, spent the morning all together, we all took a bath together then there were those who sunbathed, in short, the usual things you do on the beach. My three friends were busy with the girls they found there, but a normal thing, that is talking, joking a little, the usual things you do between young people, I watched, with the usual attention not to get caught, one of the two guys of the other group, who was not bad, let’s say who was not bad to look but was not really my type of guy, however my three friends, that is those of my group, have never attracted me from a sexual point of view and that guy was the “least worst” there.
 
Until here there is no story, the usual thing of the gay who has to be content to watch. But something unexpected happened. The girl I told you began to talk especially with me, to joke but in a very nice way, without the typical attitude of certain girls who are taking a crush, a little like a guy. Let’s say that this girl was tall, very thin and with blonde hair cut very short and had a very small breast, basically it made me imagine her a little as a guy, but she was a girl. I was fine, let’s say so, from a certain point onwards I began to treat this girl in a freer way, a little as I would have done if she had been a guy, playing even with a minimum of physical contact and it was really not unpleasant. My friends have noticed all this, according to them I was aiming at her, I went on with the game because my friends didn’t know about me. In practice so we arrived at the end of the holiday, I completely forgot to look at the guy of the other group and I always looked at the girl.
 
There is one thing to say though, in reality I didn’t even think I fell in love with that girl because during the whole period that, let’s say, I was with her, I continued to masturbate with my usual gay fantasies, that is she was very pretty, etc. etc. I saw her as a friend, but she didn’t attract me sexually, and then she didn’t even try anything with me neither at a minimum level, let’s say it was just a nice and pleasant liking. Then we came back in the city and things have taken another way.
 
My parents were out on vacation and I invited her to my house, she was not at all surprised and immediately said yes,  for a while I have been happy then I felt a bit embarrassed, but now the thing had already started and we can say that I wanted to see how it would end, but I was determined to avoid any form of sexual involvement.
 
She arrived at my house, I had bought some good things at the fry shop, we ate, the speech was embarrassed, there was something unsaid, that anyway still conditioned us, I was very cautious and she didn’t know if to step further. At the end of the lunch we sat on the sofa, I felt the tension in the air. At a certain point she snuggles up close to me and tries to rest her head on my legs at the groin, I stop her, I take a pillow and I put it on my legs to avoid any genital contact, let’s say. I don’t think she understood the meaning of the maneuver, however things doesn’t go further, I start talking about the campground but just like I would have done with a guy, but she was a girl, resting her head on my legs and we were alone at home.
 
Here I began to get an erection but, if I have to be honest, I tried to imagine that she was a guy, or maybe I don’t know, the fact is that I got an erection. We had been like this for an hour, she looked at me in a tender way every now and then, sometimes tenderly blowing my face and smiled and I liked all of this. Then she told me: “Do you like an ice cream?” I said yes, she got up and asked me where the bathroom was, so I had time to put myself in a condition that could let me to stand up without embarrassment, let’s say I was a bit wet. If I have to be honest, I was not bad. Then the ice cream and the walk, just as if I had been with a male friend. I take her back home, she tells me it was great and asks me what I had to do the next day, so we agree to repeat the experience the next day.
 
I go back home, I think about everything that happened, I don’t mind but I think that if it happened with a guy I would have exploded with happiness and it would have been another matter. In the evening I don’t masturbate, which is rare for me.
 
The next day we repeat almost exactly the same script, but as was to be expected, she takes one more step, tells me that it’s too hot and takes off her blouse and bra and lies down on my legs like the day before, she has actually small breasts, she is a beautiful girl but she is a girl, then she takes my hand, takes it to her mouth and kisses it in a very light way, then she begins to caress her breasts with my hand, I am in erection and a little wet, I let things go on, then I start to caress her, it is a pleasant feeling but I realize that it is not what I want, I start to feel embarrassed, somehow the situation is pleasant but I realize that we are going to things that I don’t feel mine at all, then I begin to have doubts, i.e. I think that basically with her I could also have done something because I hadn’t felt any sense of repulsion, I don’t know what would have happened if the situation had switched to sexual genital things but I think I could even have had a little sex games with that girl.
 
Anyway she realizes that I am very much cautious and I don’t tend spontaneously to go further, she blows on my face and tells me smiling: “ice cream?” This means that she is a clever girl who perceives immediately the situations of embarrassment. She goes to the bathroom, I get back in order, I’m actually quite wet. When I leave her at home she tells me that she will not be there for a few days because she will go to [omissis] to her parents but immediately adds that she will call me back as soon as she comes back and that we will be in contact by cellphone. She greets me giving me a very light kiss on the mouth. She had never done such a thing before.
 
I come home a bit relieved that we will not see each other for a few days but a little I miss her. I begin to think back to the sensations I felt while caressing her breasts but the feeling is strange. In the evening I try to masturbate thinking about her and what we did, it does not come spontaneously, a half-thing, more forced on a physical level that enjoyed with the imagination, but I come to the end but to an end so unconvinced that I begin to ask myself what I’m doing.
 
In the morning I wake up in erection as almost always happens to me, I turn on the PC, I look for videos of guys and I masturbate on those videos. It is incomparably different, I realize it and I say to myself: “What the hell am I doing? I’m gay! I can also get an erection by playing with a girl (and then only with that girl, because she is a very particular girl), but I really don’t see myself having sex with her, I want a guy!” Project, now I come to the questions, but from what I told you, do you think I’m straight (I don’t think so) or at least bisexual? Maybe just a little? And then what should I do with that girl? Being close to her is pleasant for me, I cannot deny it, but it is that step by step you get slowly to sex and, at the limit, maybe I could even accept it but it is not really what I want. This is my problem! If you want, publish the email as it is, but, please, change the names of places.
A hug.  Perplex
__________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-heterosexual-experiences-of-a-gay-guy
Advertisements

SUBLIMATED HETERO LOVE AND GAY MASTURBATION

Hi Project, how are you? 
I’m writing to you after a few months to talk and update you a bit. I have read, as you suggested, the manual Being Gay that you published on the site. There are sections, especially in the first chapters that are the photography of my experience. I really wish I’d read these things before! Sometimes I think that today being gay is, at least from a social point of view, extremely easier than a few years ago. When I was a teenager, everyone, I underline it, all my friends and classmates were openly homophobic. 
Starting from the beginning of high school, perhaps because my way of doing wasn’t so much macho, some of my classmates had begun to make fun of me. I was at school by the priests and this perhaps contributed to create an environment not very open, the fact is that I had been targeted by a classmate and within a short time all my classmates followed him and begun to make fun of me, calling me gay. You cannot imagine how much I suffered for this. On the one side inside of me I knew I was a homosexual, because I had gay masturbation fantasies and because I already had had a homosexual episode with a friend in the eighth grade, on the other side I tried to look heterosexual and take on more masculine attitudes. I also tried to please the girls, so much so that I had fallen in love with some girls at the time. 
Reading your manual now I smile because there are things that I experienced in the first person. For example, the fact that I fell madly in love with a girl, I even idealized her, I fell in love with her in romantic terms, but I didn’t have a real sexual interest for her and I didn’t masturbate thinking about her. The most I could do was some petting and some caresses on her breasts or her sex. With a girl around 19, we masturbated each other, and I came to orgasm, but if I think about how we did these things I almost laugh: practically we remained dressed in the dark, and we masturbated to orgasm. I didn’t want to penetrate her, nor do oral sex, masturbation was even too much. 
And all this was enough for me to think that I was straight! Yes I wanted to be straight and I thought that all my jerking off thinking of the guys was the result of a transitional situation, absolutely not of my true and primary sexuality, but just a passing thing, a kind of strange pastime. I came to think: “I just have to find the right girl and all gay thoughts will vanish like fog in the sun!” Then I found the right girl and, since gay thoughts didn’t vanish at all, I thought, well, with a girl it’s different, I cannot masturbate thinking about her, it’s not beautiful, not polite, so I must keep thinking about the guys when I masturbate, but I’m straight anyway, because I’m in love with a girl! But then sex with this girl was neither disinhibited nor satisfying and I thought: the girl’s fault, or fault of the girls in general, they like sex less than us boys and I ended up masturbating always and only thinking about guys. 
Then even if the sex was not satisfactory I thought that the love with L capital was for this girl and that I would never fall in love with a guy, because love was reserved for girls and for this I was straight! The process of rationalization was very complex but identical to what you describe in the manual. You have to add that I didn’t want to be teased by classmates! 
But I certainly can’t forget the crush on a schoolmate a year younger than me! I had begun to notice him for his body. We stayed in the afternoon many people studying in a large classroom and this guy was sitting not far from me. The first time I noticed him, almost absent-mindedly, it had been because … I had been impressed by his backside, very masculine. From that moment I began to observe him more and more often and the more I watched him, the more I found him interesting, and I began to feel attraction towards him. Then almost unconsciously I started to masturbate thinking about him. 
At the same time I was platonically in love with a girl I had met in the summer at sea and with whom I had started an idealized love story (with a throbbing heart). With this girl, the maximum sex had been a little petting a few days in the summer, and I never masturbated thinking of her. But we exchanged romantic letters and this was enough to reassure me that I was straight. But then at school I was waiting for that guy to go out with him and walk a stretch of the road to the bus stop. And I found excuses to go to see the volleyball matches of that guy’s team, to be able to see him in shorts; I liked to see him play, I liked his legs, his back, his chest. 
For all the years of high school I have fought with myself. I understood and didn’t accept. I understood and hoped it was not true, that it was the school of priests, that were the wrong girls, that was the fact that I was in a single-sex school. I was looking for all the excuses outside of me: it was the environment that diverted me from a straight (in both senses) behavior. But it was not the environment to be gay, nor girls not to be right, nor me to be unlucky nor me who was the one girls didn’t like. I would have had to look inside of me to understand that the environment, the priests, the girls, the gay episode at 14, had nothing to do with my homosexuality, but simply I was just like that, despite the environment and despite many girls who liked me and despite the girls who liked to have sex with me (I was the one who didn’t like going beyond kisses and a few touches, they would have even liked to do everything). It was me. 
I would have certainly understood much earlier and much better, if I had had the opportunity to read the things written in the forum and in the manual. And yes, because I really wanted to believe that I was “a wrong heterosexual” for too long. I really liked girls, in the sense that I perceived the beauty and I know very well and I like the beauty of a girl. And so the beauty of a girl made me fall in love with her, idealizing her. I idealized her so much that sex passed into the background, but at the time I thought that sex ended up in the background because pure love prevailed on the materiality of the sexual act. So yes, I courted some girls and some stories are born, I really liked kissing them, I had very spontaneous erections, but such things were still unsatisfactory, neither I nor these girls took so many initiatives. 
But how I felt in love! And how many opportunities I have deliberately let fall. A girl had invited me to her house one afternoon (and we could have had sex, in my opinion), but once I got there I started talking about everything, without even touching her. Another girl had started to call me on the phone, we had even gone out together a few times, and there, too, nothing, I had not stepped forward, even guessing that she would have accepted, if only I had tried to do something. 
One evening a friend of mine wanted to go to the disco because there was a party and there were girls to meet; I had found an excuse not to go (the classic excuse: I have to study) and I had moved to a newsstand where with my heart in the throat and the salivation reduced to zero I bought my first gay porn journal. I don’t tell you the initial embarrassment with the newsagent, the fear, and then once at home the excitement, the excitement I had felt in flipping through that newspaper. Seeing those naked guys, seeing that I was not alone with my fantasies, seeing that there were other guys (and very beautiful too) who not only were gay, but were photographed while having sex with each other, literally stunned me. It was so big my desire to see a gay porn magazine, that I had challenged the fear, the shame and had taken courage. So the same night my friend was in the nightclub trying to catch girls and I was at home masturbating with a gay magazine. 
And despite all this evidence, I wanted to continue to believe that I was straight and to believe I had gay fantasies just to masturbate, because masturbation thinking of a girl “gave me frustration, hurt me, because it made the girl object of my thoughts become just an object of sexual fantasies”. And how is it that when I happened to have experiences of gay sex, certainly I was not inhibited and I didn’t think so much? I just let myself go! How is it that when I perceived the possibility of having sex with a guy I was looking for an opportunity to do it? How is it that I masturbated thinking about what I had done with a guy or even thinking about what I wanted to do with a guy (hetero)? Yeah, the usual rationalization: “masturbation is a thing in which girls don’t enter, but I’m straight because I fall in love with girls and because if I see a beautiful girl I like her”. 
Yes, I liked girls, but when it was time to conclude, as I wrote before, I subtracted myself from my duty of heterosexual guy and took refuge in romance, in idealization, in beautiful speeches, and at the very most we touched each other or little more. You know, I came to think: “I like lesbians because there are no men around and I would like to be between these two women, so I’m a super straight!” Instead, seen with today’s awareness, the reality is that I like lesbians as homosexuals and because for me homosexuality is a natural sexual condition. So for me it is natural to have sex guys with guys, and girls with girls. I’m not a super straight guy, I’m a super gay!
See you soon.
__________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-sublimated-hetero-love-and-gay-masturbation

AFFECION FOR A GIRL AND LOVE FOR A GAY GUY

Hello everybody. 
If I can, I will insert myself in this discussion to contribute, even if in a very small part, to this topic. An experience of mine, more recent and personal, concerns the “risk” that I took in trying to attend a girl, a schoolmate of mine and now university mate. At that time I knew I was gay, I was aware of the attraction I felt towards guys. Although I’ve never had experiences in sexual chats, dating sites or anything like that, however, the temptation was always there, I cannot deny it. In short, the force of sexuality cannot be erased, I believe especially at my age. 
So, reflecting better, why did I try to start a story with a girl? Surely it happened because of an acceptance of my homosexuality not yet full and mature, (acceptance which perhaps is not yet perfect, but which I also believe does never materialize in a final point and rather consists of continuous changes, experiences and so on…) where being gay is not experienced as a natural condition, but as a burden or problem to be carried out, or worse to be solved. And an engagement, in such a condition, easily seems to solve all the problems; finally you can show others that you are straight, that you have no difficulty, no frailty. Suddenly the world seems to be easier and safer to live: you get engaged, then once you finish your studies you get married, somehow you go to live under a new roof, and you become a father. Oh yes, this is the central point: the desire for paternity. 
How much it weighs for a gay to know that you cannot become a father, not to be able to raise a child. Especially for those who dream of it since they were kids (I laugh at the thought, but for me it was so!) And then if you find a girlfriend you solve all the problems with your family. What I imagined in those moments was a less unequal relationship with my father (that unfortunately is very conflictual). A girl makes a man look stronger. I know it’s cynical and petty, but thinking about, I implicitly thought so. 
I liked this girl as a person, even if from a sexual point of view I didn’t feel attracted at all. Nevertheless I “declared” to her all my “love”, confessing to her that there was something on my side; in a sense it was true, but I didn’t consider sexuality in the slightest. I was denying myself pretending to be bisexual, therefore retaining the desire to be “a little” gay anyway. We went out twice together, two half days, I would say two beautiful days. A few handshakes, some hugs. I must be sincere? I have a happy memory of those moments. But false. False because it started from wrong, dishonest assumptions. I was constantly wondering how I could betray that girl from the beginning, founding a possible relationship on lies. I couldn’t tell her I was bisexual, because I had already understood that she wouldn’t accept it. I was about to imprison myself in a tunnel with no exit.
Looking back on it better, what attracted me most to her was her family. Yes, I’m not joking: two fantastic parents, fantastic from my point of view and also two older brothers who were really good people. I confess that I liked one of the two brothers. Here you can understand, what an idiot I was. … After two or three weeks, in which she went through a stormy period with the guy she had been with before we first met, she sent me an SMS where she basically downloaded me. I didn’t take it very badly, it was perhaps mostly my wounded pride to hurt me. Now I can understand how lucky I was, after all. I have not continued in the lie, I have not chained myself to a life that was not mine where I would have felt only trapped. I liked and still like this girl. But love is another thing; I didn’t feel “butterflies in my stomach” with her; a desire so deep to caress her body, to “taste” every inch of her skin, to live completely, soul and body, together, in a friendship such things there are not. 
Love is just another thing … I realize now that I have a life to build before me, neither society nor my family can or must do it in my place. I hope I have not said nonsense, and I also hope that my considerations are in no way offensive towards the married gays who wrote here before me. I am aware of what it means to be gay practically thanks to Gay Project forum, so … I don’t have much left to add, except that I would, of course, read some of your considerations! 
Thanks, see you soon. 
————-
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-affecion-for-a-girl-and-love-for-a-gay

A DIFFICULT PATH TO ACCEPTANCE OF MY BEING GAY

Hello everyone, 
I am a 20 year old guy from Campania (a Region of southern Italy) and I attend the Computer Engineering course at the university. Nice to meet you! Why am I here? Obviously I didn’t sign up for fun. I am a guy who has discovered his being gay about a year ago, and has spent most of this year to consider himself bisexual and to refuse at all costs to call himself gay, a guy who was afraid, but now, starting about a week ago, wants to put an end to the great inner problems experienced in these months, and to accept his homosexuality, because he couldn’t go on that way. Inside I felt I was just trying to delude myself in some way … I decided to deeply analyze my situation and I understood that girls didn’t interest me at all, and I’m also supported by the fact that I had a gay relationship that lasted for eight months and I was fine, I had some small gay experiences and I felt good, I feel a strong gay desire and I’m fine, while on the other side I never felt really comfortable with girls and I realized recently that I didn’t feel any kind of interest for them …
 
I hope not to bore you, but at this moment I have some small doubts to which I want to find an answer, I try to accept myself for what I am, but unfortunately the doubts come back every now and then, much less than when I wanted to be bisexual at all costs … In particular, I really don’t understand why for 19 years I never thought I could be gay … Now if I think back to what happened to me in the past, I understand better why and I understand what I really want inside me. Certainly I feel much more confident of myself, I feel a fire inside me, that boils, but at the same time I feel small stabs that don’t make me still be right with myself, and I would very much that this period passed quickly … Moreover, I am visibly worried about how my future life will unfold, I am afraid of being marginalized for what I am doing, of being judged simply for my sexuality and even if I tell myself I should not care, I cannot do it serenely. I hate being so sensitive … I hope that you who are in this forum can help me and comfort me, even if I have already been able to talk about myself with some of my close friends, I feel that I need to talk about it with someone far more expert, in particular to analyze my past, on which I still have little doubts to which I am trying to give meaningful answers. Thank you so much for those who will read this post and who will give me a hand. I would like to talk to you about my personal story, which is still being defined today. I will start from the beginning, for what I can remember …
 
I think I was about 11-12 years old, maybe already about 13, when I discovered masturbation … My father told me about it and I saw it was very nice to do … In those days I didn’t have a precise idea about what I was masturbating, I probably had no really exciting thoughts, but I did it simply because it was so relaxing and nice to do …
 
I discovered pornography soon after, at about 13-14 years of age, of course hetero type … even if I vaguely remember I also used gay pornography, but on a marginal level, and it was not too clear that it was gay … Even because I have tastes a bit special, I never really enjoyed watching videos or porn photos with humans in the flesh, but I soon turned to hentai and other forms of designed porn … Then I masturbated in a way very … strange: I imagined myself on the side of the woman, and I imagined that a guy had sex with me … and I masturbated in different ways, using my fingers too, I don’t know if you can understand … I never excited at the idea of myself having sex with a woman, but the idea of doing it with a man excited me a lot, but I didn’t imagine myself as a man, but as a woman, or anyway with a vagina … My personal idea is that I did it to hide my homosexuality in this “inverted roles game”… Anyway, according to my memories, at least initially I always did it this way, then less and less, but such a particularity has never disappeared …
Returning back then, around 13-14 years, while I felt very lightly sentimentally attracted towards girls, but nothing sexual (in short, it ended so quickly as it started), I wanted to try something with a guy, a friend a year older than me … I saw it as something very serious, I really wanted to do something, but he saw it as a simple game and it didn’t satisfy me at all … And then, back home, realizing what I had done, I felt guilty, dirty inside, and when this friend of mine asked me to do it again I opposed myself and said absolutely no. Slowly the memory of what had happened vanished. In the meantime, more or less in the same summer, I found myself vaguely talking in chat about my “particular” way to masturbate and I quickly realized that it was something seen as absolutely abnormal by other guys, and I understood that something in me was different from what the other guys felt … They were excited thinking about girls, I felt much more satisfied imagining myself as a girl, and I didn’t understand why … but I began to repress myself and tried to conform to others, even if I was not very convinced, also because I was pushed by my father, who always reproached me that I didn’t go with the girls … In short, I behaved for a few years as an unconvinced heterosexual, a person who had no sexual desire and no interest in getting engaged with a girl … And I didn’t even have any crush on girls. 
But then I didn’t worry about the problem, I was fine as I was and I was happy, even if I didn’t have many friends to be with, in fact I was a very lonely guy. At home, I continued to masturbate without thinking about someone male or female, I thought only of those images that I saw online and that idea, that often returned, to imagine myself in the role of a woman having sex … I want to clarify that it was an exclusively sexual thing, I never thought of having a wrong body, in short, as a man I’m fine. From that period I only remember the occasional teasing by the scout friends, who jokingly teased me with words like “pansy”, to highlight that I had never shown a real interest in girls and that I often tried in various ways to avoid them, as if I didn’t want to confront them, first for fear, then for disinterest … I remember that I was very angry when they told me such things … 
The years passed and I continued this way, until I had a last crush towards a girl, in my last year of high school … a friend pointed her out and pushed me to try with her, but I could never do it, perhaps out of fear, perhaps it was something that I didn’t feel inside, I didn’t feel that absolute need to push me to try with a girl at all costs … I tried to think of her in a sexual way, but then it didn’t involve me at all … So, I realized that the crush, as usual, had quickly disappeared as fast as it had arrived, and then, in the summer that followed (2013), I began to ask myself the first questions: why didn’t girls attract me? Why didn’t I feel a strong sense of attraction towards them while my friends were sobbing with them? Why didn’t the female mentality interest me and I only had male friends? Why had I never tried with girls? Was it fear of being rejected and nothing else? I began to inform myself on the web, but above all I met someone who was decisive in my discovery: on the internet I met by chance an American gay friend on chat, to whom I exposed my doubts, my uncertainties, and talking to him, at least at the time, I thought I was straight. But my doubts were strong and I expressed them when, speaking of girls at a scout camp, they asked me if I was gay, and I replied “I don’t know, I don’t think I am, but boh … I have to think about, really”. 
It was a symptom that something was changing, and informing me on the web I discovered something that I thought depicted me: pansexuality. If you don’t know what it is, it’s like bisexuality, but a pansexual person, unlike bisexuals, is also attracted to people who don’t fall into the classic gender dichotomy, such as transgender or intersex. I started to define myself pansexual, even though I was far from understanding myself: at the end I still behaved like an unconvinced hetero, and I made my American gay friend understand that I didn’t think I was attracted to men … This friend told me that if I felt pansexual, I would have to start seeing gay porn too, to “balance the two parts of my sexuality”, this happened at the beginning of 2014, when I began to see gay porn with increasing insistence, and to masturbate on those porn, and I quickly realized that my tastes were turning upside down, that I was directing towards gay sexuality, and I really understood it when I had a crush as short as intense for that American gay friend … he was the first guy to whom I revealed my feelings, but my feelings were not reciprocated, and I was discomforted … 
When I realized what was happening I began to think “but at this point … it is not that I’m gay?” In saying so, I was very scared, I wanted to refuse it, and I did everything to do it, but over the months I felt a strong internal contrast within me: I said I was pansexual, but inside I felt a little voice that told me I was gay, and this little voice continued to make herself heard for a long time … In the meantime, I fell in love with a guy for the first time. We got together and we were a couple for eight months, during which, between highs and lows, we had a great time, even if the difficulty of seeing each other (we live 60 km from each other) made us suffer, especially me, and at the end we realized that we were not compatible enough, and about a month ago we broke up … in the meantime, my doubts and the contrast that I had tried continued … And so, in this month, I thought about what happened, and a week ago, after having compared myself with other guys who considered themselves bisexuals before and who had then accepted their being gay, I realized that I had to stop making fun of me, and I told myself what I had understood for months but I didn’t want to accept because I was afraid: I’m gay! 
These days, slowly I’m normalizing the thing inside of me, but I feel sometimes strange, sometimes desperate. I’m happy to be the way I am, happy to have understood who I am, but at the same time I have little doubts, even if I think I have understood a lot of myself in this year and a half. I also recently had my first gay experiences (in fact, with my ex, we never managed to do something in bed) and I liked it. Right now, as I said, I have little doubts, I still don’t feel very well with myself, but in my heart I know I did the right thing for me. Now I’m trying to accept myself 100%. I hope someone has understood something … I’m sorry if I messed up these things, but ordering ideas is not easy, especially when emotions are at stake … What I’m saying is mainly due to an analysis of the facts, and looking at the facts I can say firmly that I am gay.
__________
If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-difficult-path-to-acceptance-of-my-being-gay

GAY ONLY WHEN I MASTURBATE

Hello Project, it is very difficult for me to write this letter but I read many things you wrote and I think you can give me a serious answer. I am a 22 years old guy, I feel realized under many profiles: study, friends, etc., people tell me I’m a nice guy, I think about the average, I have a girlfriend for three years and I have a sexual life with her, we make love more or less every week, things work in the sense that I’ve never had erection problems or anything like that. I don’t take the initiative, I expect her to do it, so I feel at ease, now it has been happening this way for years. At the beginning there was a lot of the curiosity about the sex itself or rather the letting go because in fact it was she who fell in love with me, I felt at the center of her attention and her desires and the things went on by themselves even if I never felt a real sexual desire, that is, when we were away from each other for a long time, I missed her company, I missed her intimacy, but not sex as such. 
But after reading your posts, I confess that I have had several doubts because, even if in fact I never considered it an important thing, in practice since always, when I masturbate I imagine sexual situations involving “even” guys and lately it is as if that “even” had become essential. In my fantasies there are women but, let’s say so, they are always less fundamental, it is as if they were an excuse that allows me to be in sexual situations with other guys and, in fact, the thing that excites me most in these fantasies is just that climate of complicity that is created with the other guys, a bit the idea of doing something sexual together, of doing it with a girl, but of doing it with other guys, as if the thing done only with the girl lost meaning. 
It happened to me about a month ago to dream of a similar situation, that is to dream of being together with a guy talking about sex (sex done with girls) but for me the important thing was to hear that guy talking about sex, it was an exciting thing up to orgasm and I noticed that orgasm arrived thinking of the guy and not of the girl. 
In the days after the dream, which shocked me a lot, I started to masturbate thinking exclusively of a guy and it was really spontaneous, it was not a test, but with my girlfriend nothing has changed, I haven’t had sexual problems with her even if I didn’t tell her anything about the dream or masturbation thinking about a guy.
On the other hand, even before, in my fantasies there were some guys even though always, so to speak, the strictly sexual content was focused or at least seemed focused entirely on the girl. In short, with my girlfriend nothing has changed, but inside me something has changed, I cannot deny it, I told myself that in the end I could also be bisexual and that it wouldn’t be a tragedy, but the fact remains that I have never fallen in love with a guy, at least until now, and I cannot imagine myself exchanging tenderness with a guy as I do with my girlfriend. That is, it is as if now I was bisexual, or rather I was gay but only when I masturbate. 
I play sports since I was a kid, I often see other naked guys but this doesn’t make me any effect, now I see those things without any sexual halo and I’m just indifferent. I have many friends with whom I feel very free in behavior but they all are straight and basically I think I’m straight too and I never had sexual fantasies of any kind about my male friends (but not even about my female friends) sometimes I think that in sexual matters I need someone to take the initiative as happened with my girlfriend and I think I would go after easily. I don’t have the vocation of the conqueror but of the conquered, even if I’m 100% male. 
If I have an affective desire about guys it is to be courted by a guy, to become the center of his attention, I think that in a similar situation I would also end up melting up completely . . . or maybe not, I don’t know. But can you be gay only in masturbation? It’s important, of course, but I don’t think it’s enough, that is, in the end you have to fall in love with a guy. Maybe it has not happened to me yet and it’s just a matter of time, but I don’t know what to think, I don’t know whether I want it to happen or not, because if it happens I would find myself in terrible embarrassment with my girlfriend who knows nothing about these things and maybe it is good that she doesn’t know them. I absolutely don’t think about looking for gay environments and just sending you this mail requires me to overcome a terrible embarrassment. I’m waiting for your response. If you want, publish the email, because I have kept on the generic and then you can publish it. 
Sando
 
Comment by Telemachus
Very interesting reflections by this guy. Let’s say that all of us have asked ourselves these questions. But if there is something that has caught my attention is the tranquillity with which this guy is facing his doubts and his questions. Usually the issues related to sexuality and affectivity are accompanied by a high and unhealthy load of anxiety and despair, combined with the rush to self-define in some way just to get out of the limbo of uncertainty. 
Here, however, this guy seems to have a solid and appreciable starting point, that is a considerable dose of serenity with which to relate to these reflections, combined with the awareness of having to look at sexuality as one, but not the only space of realization of the person. So the attitude of the guy in his mail makes me feel a good impression, because apart from a bit of understandable amazement and fear of these news that have obviously affected him, he doesn’t seem to be carried away by drama or fears or existential concerns that wouldn’t do anything else but unnecessarily confuse his introspection and the fixed points to which he can arrive. 
On the other hand, these reflections are important but also abstract: one can ask a thousand questions on how he can formally circumscribe his own feelings, but there will always be that gap between such reflections and the concrete relationships with others that prevents to be able to proclaim definitive rules on oneself.
In my opinion, finally you can say “I’m gay” or “I’m straight” or “I’m bisexual” or “I’m gay only when I masturbate” etc. etc. this is not so fundamental. As much as it can be rewarding to find a “frame” in which to insert your sexual orientation (and I admit that such an “introspective result” can actually be satisfactory because it allows you to file a doubt perhaps with relief but also with all due simplifications of the case), we must not forget that it will have its own meaning only if it will be carried out in relation to a particular person who becomes too special for us to allow us to take care of general and abstract reflections.
 
Comment by Project.
I start from what Telemachus says, which I basically agree with. I often talk to guys who are approaching the idea of being gay step by step and who remain with a thousand doubts in mind until they have their first true gay love story. Many, I would say most, like Sando, come to the awareness of being gay after passing through the awareness of not being wholly heterosexual, precisely through the dichotomy between the couple sexuality that remains hetero even if it is not lived in a very engaging way and masturbation that gradually assumes increasingly marked gay connotations. 
I must say that this path affects the vast majority of that 30/35% of gays who have had a straight sex life and is essentially a rather typical picture. Actually, in the case of Sando, none of the classic complications that accompany this process is present and here we have to open a parenthesis. Sexuality, all sexuality, even the hetero one, can only really be experienced without problems when there is an adequate solid background from the emotional point of view and a consistent measure of self-esteem. I had the opportunity to talk privately with Sando and I can say that he has a very nice relationship with his parents and among other things he was lucky to have parents who love each other and has seen a serious emotional attitude between them since childhood. 
Sando grew up peaceful, without absurd taboo and at 22 has a maturity that many don’t even reach at 40. A bit it’s his merit but in large part it’s due to his family that created a favorable environment. Speaking with him I could understand that the family probably would not cause him any problem due to his being gay and that his father must have realized that the story with his girlfriend is not really an overwhelming love for Sando, and did him understand that if the story were to end he would not be astonished. Probably the father doesn’t suspect that his son can be gay nevertheless he often repeats: “in those things you have to do always and only what you feel without caring about what others think!” 
Starting from the assumption that there were no pressures of any kind on the part of family members or forms of parents’ intrusion with attempts to institutionalize and channel the relationship with the girl towards a marriage solution, Sando felt essentially free to follow his drive, which is something of great value. 
At the moment he is not able to evaluate, let’s say so, the completeness of his being gay because he lacks the fundamental element of living a true gay relationship, and the fear, from what I can understand, is not that this relationship arrives, but it is precisely the fear that this relationship may not arrive. And this is precisely why Sando is uncertain about leaving the girl. I add one thing. Sando tried to read up and understand very seriously what it means to be gay and has a very serious and realistic idea of homosexuality, in essence he feels it like something that belongs to him, but is afraid that the jump that will lead him to a shared love story  can never be accomplished, because the social environment in which he lives certainly does not favor it.  
In practice in his being gay he would have the support of the family but only in private and for him to live a gay relationship with an absolutely minimal visibility would be very risky. He is currently very busy in his studies and is projected towards the idea of moving far away from his region and living and working in a big city, even if for all this it will take years. I think he is following the right path and I really hope he can find what he wants. Come on Sando!! 
 
Comment by Pavloss 
The reflection of the guy is interesting for me too. If on the one hand it reminds me of my past, in which I began to understand myself, on the other it reminds me of the difference with him: I understood, yes, but with a lot of anxiety, an anxiety from which I slowly liberated over time. Reflection suggests that there is a “given” nature in the human being, a psychological-affective-sexual nature that emerges slowly, in front of the environmental solicitations and the circumstances of life. 
The person tries to be fully himself but he don’t succeed immediately; it takes time to discover the “design” that is written within himself, so that all vital centers are activated and present in the human consciousness. This implies an evidence: it is not the idea of oneself that prevails and precedes one’s own nature, but it is the latter that can give us a rather precise idea of what we are, slowly over time. 
Often the idea of oneself with which one wants at all costs to conform one’s nature, creates dramas, tensions, feelings of guilt: “I must be in a certain way and I am not as I would like!” These are things I have known and certainly I was not the only one to follow this twisted path that can be summarized in the (im)moral saying: “We must be as we think otherwise we end up thinking as we are.” Idealism that violates nature. On the other hand, when nature is allowed to speak, things are different. The important thing is that this guy can find a way to positively expand his reality, building himself as a mature and responsible person in a true and rewarding relationship.
__________
If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-only-when-i-masturbate

AUGUST VON PLATEN HOMOSEXUAL ACCORDING TO RAFFALOVICH

With the chapter titled “Platen or the superior uranist”, André Raffalovich closes his book “Uranism and Unisexuality”. It is certainly not a case. Raffalovich has always shown a remarkable sympathy for von Platen and for his conception of homosexuality, which is celebrated by him at the end of the chapter with accents of genuine enthusiasm as well as moral sharing. It should be said immediately that Raffalovich, in his overview on remarkable homosexuals of the history and literature stopped at the first ‘800, with the only exception of Wilde. In his work therefore don’t appear some fundamental characters of the history of homosexuality such as John Addington Symonds, Edward Carpenter and the Raffalovich himself, who belong to the second half of the ‘800 and in some cases have extended their activity to the first decades of ‘900.

Platen, like Grillparzer, Motitz, Goethe, and Byron himself, belongs to a period, in which the debate on homosexuality is still something utopian and vague to be placed in a future of which it was impossible to foresee even the dawn.

The destruction of the memories and of many letters of Byron after his death is a sign of how the idea of the homosexuality of the author was considered unthinkable.

Grillparzer and Moritz were very careful in defending their honorability from the risk of accusations of homosexuality. All these characters (with the exception perhaps of Byron) went through periods of doubt, oscillations and uncertainties about the real dimension of their sexuality because they were totally or almost totally lacking in evidence that could put the dominant prejudice into crisis. They all experienced heterosexual stories in which the emotional participation was really minimal and that today would not be difficult to identify as coverage relationships.

Byron, who had behaved more freely, was forced by gossip to leave England and never returned.

Before Platen, the signs of homosexuality had to be found in little known biographical elements or in the ambiguities of the works, where they were almost always transcribed in heterosexual key. For Platen it is not like that. It could be said that Platen is the first homosexual in the modern sense of the term, because he recognizes his homosexuality, at least in front of his friends, who don’t disown him for this, and affirms his right to love and be loved as a friend of noble soul, because his feeling has nothing to be ashamed of. Raffalovich interprets the fact that Platen considers his homosexual love something dignified and high by hypothesizing the idea that it was a love without sex or almost without sex, and anyway with an extremely sublimated sexuality, a hypothesis that could perhaps be proposed for young Platen, but sounds quite unrealistic for the Italian period of the poet’s life.

It should not be forgotten that Italy, for the whole ‘800, was for the rich homosexuals of northern Europe a true earthly paradise, totally devoid of English moralism and German hypocrisy in matters of sexuality.

Certainly Platen, it seems, even in Italy didn’t live a wild life to the level that will then be typical of Wilde and seems to maintain moralistic attitudes even when he condemns very libertine poets who intend to create a relationship of friendship with him.

But Platen is modern also for another reason: his not to surround his life and his poems of too much caution exposes him to gossip and he ends up being a victim of very heavy and vulgar personal attacks, obviously on charges of homosexuality, advanced in the most vulgar ways by a character like Heine, in other respects an excellent and fine literate of Hebrew origins.

The controversy between Heine and Platen arose for reasons of literary pride, it seems that Heine had not much appreciated a poem by Platen and had expressed about it a very critical, if not scornful, judgment, Platen replied by bringing into play Heine’s Jewish origins. Heine answered letting himself go to insults against Platen related to his homosexuality.

The story of the quarrel between Platen and Heine is the sign of how much the accusation of homosexuality was (and still is today) a weapon that is kept in store and can be unleashed whenever the opportunity arises.

Thomas Mann dedicated a long essay to Platen who, in his solitary death in Syracuse, by cholera (perhaps), is the inspirer of “Death in Venice”, on which Luchino Visconti based his cinematographic masterpiece. But Mann’s work on Platen, rather than representing a hypothetical fight of Platen against homosexuality, embodies in Platen the similar and far more grievous struggle of Mann against his own homosexuality. Today, after the complete publication of Platen’s diaries, the reading of the character made by Mann can no longer be shared. Platen, unlike the great majority of cultured homosexuals of his generation (and also om many of the later ones) had accepted his homosexuality and considered it a value that could not be set aside in any way. Of course, in a world where homosexuality was heavily criminally persecuted and denial was the only attitude of all, including homosexuals, a man like Platen spent his life between disappointments and frustrations, falling in love with heterosexual friends with a lot of misunderstandings, but for him homosexuality was a form of love with capital L and certainly he would not have lowered to the idea of mercenary sex, he’s a character who has maintained high, even as a homosexual, the level of his morality.

Let’s leave the floor to Raffalovich. Below you can read my translation into English of the chapter dedicated to Paletn in “Uranisme et Unisexualité” by Marc André Raffalovich, 1896. My translation into Italian of the entire work can be downloaded without any formalities on the page: http://gayproject.altervista.org/uranisme_et_unisexualite.pdf

__________

PLATEN OR THE UPPER URANIST

I would like to present in a clear way the noble, interesting and melancholic figure of the poet Auguste, Count of Platen-Hallermünde.

He is for excellence the born uranist, destined, self-assured, upright, complete, courageous, elevated, all dedicated to his love for poetic glory, for poetic art, for intellectual and physical beauty, in the most lively way in which he feels it, because he feels it in accord with his dignity as a man. He strongly loved his friends, Count Fugger, Liebig, A. Kopisch, Gustav Schwab, etc., and raised hateful hate. Even today, the Munich library holds the eighteen volumes of Platen’s diary, and this precious deposit awaits a respectful and intelligent publication, which von Laubman and L. von Scheffler have promised.

In 1860 Engelhardt published some fragments of the diary that stop in 1828 – Platen was born in 1796 and died in 1838. It is with the help of this autobiographical fragments, of his works, his letters and the publications of his friends that I will try to show his physiognomy.

Auguste, Count of Platen-Hallermünde (or Count of Platen, as he preferred to be called) was born October 21th, 1796 in Ansbach where his father was in the service of Prussia. The first Count of Platen, Franz-Ernest, had received his title on July 20th, 1689 by Leopold I.

Platen’s father, born in 1740, had married Miss von Reitzenstein in the first marriage, and from this marriage were born six children, one male and five females. The marriage was unhappy and led to a divorce. Count Platen remarried in 1795 with Louise-Friederike Christiane Eichler von Auritz. They had two sons, the first was the poet, the youngest died at the age of three.

Auguste von Platen, or Platen as I’ll call him, when he was still very young, had a long illness, the famous doctor of Erlangen, Hildebrand, considered it incurable; but the child grew up despite the disease, bred with simplicity, and as happened to most of the noble children born after the French Revolution, he was taught to be on familiar speaking terms with his parents and to feel free in their presence: they never spoke to him about his noble birth.

Platen recalled that his early childhood friends had been Simon Langenfoss and Jeannot Asimont, sons of a French teacher, and two Liebeskind. He also often went to the castle to play with the princess, daughter of Prince Louis of Prussia, brother of the king. He met there also the aunts of the little girl, the Queen Louise of Prussia, and the princess of Thurn und Taxis.

Platen’s father made so many small trips to visit the forests to which he had to supervise and the child remained alone with his mother. She read for him loudly and made him love reading. He soon preferred books to his many toys. He also learned to write early. The first book he read alone contained childish comedies. He loved the theater, he went there as much as possible, he recited some comedies with his companions. In his seventh year he wrote a pastoral comedy and sent it to a young friend.

He wrote many small parts in verse, full of fairies, witches and wizards. Even mythology took possession of his imagination, but the stories of love left him indifferent. He considered love only a theatrical artifice. Despite his fondness for fairy tales, he was rather skeptical. He replied to a professor that there was no hell. It meant that there was no place where souls were roasting.

His mother withdrew completely from the world to take care only of her son. She pushed him to work. She had him write letters to an English girl his age, whom he had never seen, daughter of a childhood friend of the Countess. A young girl, Caroline von Gemmingen, soon came to live with them. Platen and her were always at war.

In 1806 the child, in his ninth year, saw the defeat of the soldiers of the Emperor of Austria, Bernadotte passing through Ansbach and the fall of Prussia; and he became very interested in all these events.

In the same year, General Werneck, the head of the Cadets in Munich, a childhood friend of the father of Platen, offered him to incorporate the boy among the Cadets. The father accepted and the mother took the child to Monaco.

The separation from his mother was a great pain for him, and the rigid and heavy clothes bothered him, but the novelty amused him, and what reconciled him with his new style of life was friendship.

He remained for four years among the Cadets. He described very well the life as it was organized there – the Cadet school had been a Jesuit monastery. There were a hundred Cadets. They almost were not allowed to read, their readings and their correspondence, were rigorously examined. The Cadets were constantly supervised: during the lessons by the teachers, during the recreation by the officers, at night by the servants. They were never left alone. They taught them Mathematics, Geometry, History, Geography, Style, Latin, Religion, French, language to which great attention was paid, Fencing, Dance and almost all musical instruments.

Cadets used to make fun of his verses. At mealtimes he was always at the table in the middle: there were three tables on which the food was proportional to the progress or to the relapses of the students. – Comedies were recited; the number of comedies was limited due to the lack of female roles. Platen never recited such comedies. In his tenth year he probably overcame his childhood illness, because he remembered, not without pleasure, of a trip on foot made during the holidays with some companions and some teachers, a trip to the Tyrol. The Tyrolean people seemed to him kind and considerate. The Cadets slept on straw, but they were well fed. He spent the rest of the holidays at home, happy to be free. The constraints of the college were unbearable. His obstinacy attracted so many punishments on him that they ended up aggravating this trait of his character. He soon found himself on bad terms with the military authorities and with the professor of Lutheran Religion. Platen, although he was a Lutheran, had defended Catholicism in a spirit of contradiction. His stubbornness, he himself says, was punishable, but it was also the beginning of his independence of judgment.

Friendship, after all, made the college bearable for him. Friendship was the goddess of the Cadets. Each one could look for and find a soul similar to his own, and despite the external constraints, a Cadet could be linked to a friend for life.

His first confidant was Friedrich Schnizlein, to whom he entrusted his first writings. He was a perfect confidant, but he was not in favor of the fervor of sentiment in friendship.

Ludwig von Luder, he too Protestant, also received the literary confidence of young Platen. He was older and very intelligent, a lover of science, without disordered inclinations. He always remained Platen’s sincere friend, and their discussions were only about politics.
Among the Cadets in his class he often saw Ernst Wiebeking, Count Sprety, Kasimir Baeumler, Tettenborn, etc .; among those of the other classes, Karl and Alexander Welden, Krazeisen, Brand, Kaeser, Normann, Wilhelm and Joseph Gumppenberg.

Max von Gruber particularly attracted him. He was not very gifted, but full of will, a mathematician lover of poetry, just, solid and without prejudices. He would forgive Voltaire his atheism if Voltaire had not so often denied it; he did not blame any of Napoleon’s evil deeds if they were part of his role as conqueror. It is understandable that the young Platen, who had to feel different from others, clung to Max von Gruber, honest and full of respect for the essential differences between men of value or genius. They always remained friends. Gustav Jacobs, son of the philologist, was also very closely linked to Platen; he was a simple, open-minded boy, he hated pedantry, hardly loved by the authorities, he blamed Platen’s lamentations but praised his poems and was interested in them.

The two Fugger brothers loved Platen too, and Friedrich, the eldest, enthusiastic about Goethe, will remain in the history of German literature related to the name of Platen, honored by his long, tender and modest friendship.

Friedrich Fugger was linked above all to Wilhelm Gumppenberg and joined to him by his love for music. Count Fugger later put many of Platen’s poems into music, and in college he already shared his aversion to drinkers’ songs.

But of all these friendships, the most tender was that for Joseph Xylander. They had met in college for three years, before getting to know each other better. They had this happiness in March 1810, and until the autumn of that year, when Platen left, they enjoyed an almost romantic friendship.

Platen wrote for him many poems that Xylander never saw. He also wrote a hymn to friendship, novels and a comedy, parodies and satires, which made him unwelcome in the environment.

All these attempts were destroyed before the end of 1810. The reading of Homer enthused him and transported him to the Greek world. that was so dear to him.

The war of 1809 with Austria taught him to keep quiet.

The Bavarians loved Napoleon: Platen would have preferred the success of the Austrians, and when Munich was occupied by the Austrians and the Austrian officers came to visit the school of the Cadets, Platen hid his sympathies.

In September 1810 Platen left the Cadets and became one of the king’s Pages. Before joining the group of the Pages he spent two months in his father’s house. He had suffered greatly, leaving Xylander.

At the age of 14, Platen’s character seems to have been well defined: love for poetry and friendship, friendship for young people of his age, educated, serious, and at the same time an exclusively sentimental attachment for someone a little younger than him, and then a lot of stubbornness, sensitivity and ability to suffer, a solid patriotic point of view and a desire to love, to be loved, and to get better.

This is the boy who twenty years old will write in his diary that God, chastity, friendship and learning are the basis of his system.

He rested in the group of Pages from 1810 until 1815. His first impression was sad: he had no friends. They looked at him with indifferent eyes. He had no one to confide in. Little by little he found himself well. Count Kuenigl, whom he knew, came to his aid. Among the Pages there was much more education than among the Cadets, there was more freedom, more cleanliness, the food was better. The clothes were more beautiful, and you could change clothes when you wanted. They were treated like elder boys. You could work on your own and you could read all the classic books.

He loved Latin and Greek, Italian and English. He always wrote a lot and destroyed what he had written. The king was very good with the Pages, and court ceremonies were fun for them. Platen slowly made friends, but not a close friend. A certain Count Lodron Laterano was of some importance to him, making him love Italian. Baron Perglas, a young man with an iron zeal, stimulated him at work, as well as the Counts Gajetan Berchem and Saporta. But he had above all confidence in a certain baron Massenbach, a very honest boy. All were useful for his education. He was weakly religious and prayed fervently only in the unpleasant moments, but he never completely forgot to pray decently, without mumbling. His first communion in 1811 gave him many good intentions.

Professor Hafner, the most important man in the school of Pages, did much to amuse and grow the Pages. He took them to the museums at the Academy, read for them aloud, and when the Pages were in bed he told them stories.

In 1813 Platen decided to become official, not out of affection for the military state, but because this state, according to him, involved more free time and more freedom.

His poetic future always tormented him, he wanted to write a tragedy on Corradino, the friendship of the young Frederick for Corradino had to fill more than one good scene. It is interesting that at the age of seventeen he felt obliged to add a girl in love with Corradino, who followed him disguised and unrecognized to Italy.

He had not yet found his literary path.

A few years later, he resumes the theme of Corradino , finds the friendship of Frederick and Corradino more than enough and no longer needs to invent a girl.

Two days before his seventeenth birthday, Platen begins his diary – and will continue until his death, for twenty-five years. – There are some diary pieces in French, others in English, Italian and Portuguese.

He had the passion to read poets in their own language, and he learned Spanish, Swedish, Danish and Persian.

In his eighteenth year, he thinks he is in love with a young Marquise Euphrasia, the most beautiful girl in the court. He goes to live in the same house, he sees her from time to time, but he realizes in the same year that he was wrong, and leaves the good widow, where he is staying, and the mother of this excellent person, with much more regret than that he felt in leaving the Marquise Euphrasia.

He notices this sentimental error, the only one of his life, it seems, and quickly dissipated. I don’t think any other woman really interested him after that. This passing interest in Euphrasia is a curious and instructive moment in the history of Platen. The need to focus on someone and be interesting, the idea that one should be tenderly in love with someone, the monotony of his life, give him this illusion.

Not many unisexuals have let themselves be so easily illuminated as Platen; the collapse of an ordinary superficial love made them seek out insistently the feelings and emotions that the woman can give, but Platen did not restart at all. He already had enough desires, enough aspirations. He wanted to see foreign countries, Italy, London, Rome.

On March 31st, 1814 he became a lieutenant. He does not like the company of the officers. He comforts himself reading a lot, working a lot. He is quite upset by the license of the costumes around him. He learns that a young poet, named Hesse, sent verses to Goethe and received a reply from him. He is very impressed, he wonders if his verses are worthy of such an expedition.

In the middle of his imagination for Euphrasia a sudden friendship for a young man, Issel, is enough to show the most lively interest of Platen for friendship.

Issel is a young painter and the Grand Duke of Darmstadt makes him travel. At the beginning (the friendship begins on May 28th and ends in June: therefore, above all, it didn’t last long), Issel did not interest him, then he noticed in this painter a great variety of interests, a pure taste in art, a lot of cordiality, lots of attention. Issel would have left after eight or nine days.

Knowing that Platen is interested in poetry, Issel tells him that he had received from young Voss a curl from Schiller’s hair cut after his death and offers to share it with him.

Left together by the friend who had made them meet, they spoke of foreign languages, of Goethe’s works, of such a short life and of such a long art. Issel lives by Nathan Schlichtegroll and advises Platen to get to know him. Then they discuss the reform of the mystical school of Schlegel, of Werner that Issel knows. Issel asks Platen to accompany him to Italy. Platen doesn’t understand how a man of so much spirit can be interested in him.

They often meet after this first meeting. One day Issel begs Platen to read to him some poems [1] and reads to him his own. The next day, Platen reads to him several other poems but then regrets having done so. He feels sad, he thinks he has profaned the paradise of his thoughts having introduced there a stranger. It is possible that Issel (mediocre poet after all), had not appreciated Platen enough. Platen promises to stop writing the verses and frowns at the thought of the loneliness that awaits him. The next day comes the reconciliation: they spend a nice evening together.

Isssel begs him not to abandon poetry, and the next day sends him Schiller’s hair and receives a poem in return. On June 6th Issel tells him he wrote a tragedy (whistled in Frankfurt, about the Countess Platen who played an important role in the court of the Duke of Brunswick, father of George I of England). On the same day, Platen learns that he must bring carts with tents to Battenberg in Tyrol. Issel comforts him, offering to accompany him. The same evening he drinks to his brotherhood with him and Schlichtegroll.

The 9th, Issel and Platen leave together, discussing abuot Dr. Gall, whom Issel knew, reading Wallenstein.

The 10th Platen is happy to see a so beautiful landscape in such a dear company. The same day they have problems. Issel hurts his self-love, then accuses him of curiosity, indiscretion, etc.. Platen finds it offensive to justify himself. They don’t talk any more.

Anyway, climbing up a hill, he meets Issel, who descends, who shouts to have engraved the name of Platen on a stone. When he and Issel leave permanently, Platen regrets having set him aside for his irritable mood and admits that his stubbornness will make him unhappy and will remove many men from him. And he spends two days after Issel’s departure to write several songs.

On June 17th he returned to Munich.

I told this episode in detail, because we can find there what characterizes and strongly distinguishes Platen: his enthusiasm for his young friend, intelligent, cultured, or who wanted to teach or learn. Naturally melancholic himself (since he had left his father’s house), the joy of those he likes, the sweet and calm mood, the laughter of his friend, make him jump with joy. Issel was elder than him, it’s true, but Platen was very young then, he was eighteen.

Later, when he gets to a higher degree of maturity, his friend will be a little younger, young enough to give him the impression of a beautiful youth, but big enough to resemble him, to share his tastes.

Platonic love (philosophical or honorable) has always delighted Platen; for those different from him he had friendship, affection, gratitude, respect. But his passion was directed towards those who seemed to him similar, more beautiful and with more virtuous grace.

This episode of Issel did not last long, but shows Platen at 18 as at 12, who fell in love immediately, expecting to find everything and not always finding great things (as in this Issel) but in any case not finding happiness.

This is the love at the same time intellectual, passionate and sentimental that has made him suffer so much, but that has also kept him intact and dignified. When he wrote the rules of conduct at the age of 20, one was to forget what is sensual in him; another was avoid to study the mystery of physiognomy in the people who interest him, not to think of the absent, to perfect himself, to improve himself.

Even if he says that we must not think of those who are absent, we should not believe him indifferent to his friends; on the contrary, he has been faithful to them, but it is to whom is more than a friend that he tries not to think too much to be able to work and live.

We can already see the difference between Platen and a dissolute; he never seeks rare sensations, but a lasting and fascinating love.

He would have retreated in horror to the loves of Oscar Wilde, in front of the venal loves that are not the quintessence of two noble and manly existences.

In the middle of 1814 he did not recognize himself neither as a man nor as a poet, he is not interested in Euphrasia enough for her to inspire or occupy him. The military state does not suit him, he is advised to study the sciences, poetry still doesn’t belong to him, he goes groping, he has not found himself. His friends are not in Munich, they dispersed. He doesn’t have time to read enough. Nature doesn’t fascinate him when he is alone or bored. However, he reads a lot and in many languages, Petrarca, Dante, the Pastor Fido, Pope, Corneille, Voltaire, Racine, Boileau, etc., and always Goethe. You could apply to Goethe, he said then, what about Goethe said Hamann: “His works are often sibylline books that are understood only when we are in the same situation as the poet.” And we see, for example, Platen at different times of his life who reads and re-reads Goethe, with so much profit as admiration. And as he is in different situations, the same work of Goethe becomes increasingly clear, true and moving. For example, “The natural daughter”, which he doesn’t appreciate at all at the beginning, and which he later admires for its spirit in 1814, becomes for him in 1821, after the tragic sinking of his great passion for Otto von Bulow, a precious mirror of his own pain.

Now he is consoled of his emptiness and of his boredom, of his life that he waits with the discouraged impatience of youth, reading and writing in English with Perglas, reading with him also Virgil and Tasso, skating, concentrating on policy. When Napoleon returns from the island of Elba, he feels a patriotic enthusiasm but Wiebeking spoils this feeling: “If you were to go to serve as a simple soldier for the freedom of Europe you could claim a small part of glory, but you are an officer, and there are many officers. It would be very easy to replace you. You could serve your homeland in a more useful way.”

On November 30th, he reads in a newspaper some maxims drawn from oriental poetry, and copies a certain number of them, struck without knowing why, excited as you can be vaguely in the presence of an important event. Persian poetry was about to express after a short time his secret ideal.

In the spring of 1815 he feels happier, he goes to the English garden every morning to pick up daffodils and to read the Pastor Fido. He writes patriotic poems that serious men read with pleasure. On April 15th, his regiment sets off and arrives at Fontainebleau on July 19th and Platen is back in Germany in November. He seems to have well endured the discomforts of the march, the oppressive heat. His diary is very nice and likeable. He is kindly interested in the good people he meets, he reads very much Petrarch, Jacopone da Todi, Goethe, Eulenspiegel, Eloisa and Abelardo by Pope, that he continually re-reads. He admires gardens, flowers, envies calm and familiar joys, he would like to have with Goethe only a conversation about the destiny of humanity and the spirit of Christianity; then he finds the true letters of Eloisa much more beautiful than those of Pope, and so true. He reads his mother’s letters with great pleasure, writes in prose and verse to Xylander and other friends. The French peasants fascinate him, their kindness, their language enchant him. He is quite isolated among the officers, he totally hates their excesses and their lascivious conversations that he does not take part in. A poem shows how much he suffered from the unpleasant immorality of his companions. At Bar-le-Duc, he is also shocked by the corruption of French books he has found in his room, and his landlady amazes him by saying: Read, my friend, because it is the reading that educates young people.

In Châlons he has the joy not only to meet his friend Schlichtegroll, but also to meet a young German, the secretary of Barclay de Tolly, who tells him that he already knows him very well through Schlichtegroll’s stories. Platen is quite impressed with this observation. In Nemours, he is also happy in the garden of a certain doctor Micheleau whose wife is no longer young, but is so sweet and caring. He speaks French with her with pleasure, and speaks English with an old English lady who lends him some English books. He leaves these kind people with regret and even an old 86-year-old curate, very realist, who says Mass every Sunday, with no other company than his dog and especially his canary, which had been given to him by a certain Rouxelle, a radical, anti-Christian, separated from his Catholic wife, and who lives with his servant, without baptizing his children. “One can be a good man, said the curate, without being a Christian.”

He likes a lot the sub-prefect of Tonnerre, a delightful city, who is a charming young man, the most beautiful model imaginable for a young Roman. On October 6th, he gathers with some old comrades and other young educated men, and Platen can sincerely rejoice by taking part in an intelligent conversation, unambiguously and in a pure dialect. On November 2, he writes in his diary that shame is natural, the shamelessness is acquired. It is certain that Platen was fundamentally modest and full of modesty. On November 3rd, in Troyes, he buys Bérenice, his favorite Racine tragedy. And he notes that in a shop of a rich shopkeeper he saw a clerk, who looked a lot like his friend Xylander.

Back in Germany, he tries to build a system of morals and conduct based on: God, a severe morality, the desire to learn, the love for friends. Without these principles, how can you be happy? How can we fail to aspire to what is higher, how can we do without the chastity of the body and the spirit, the love of study, the friends? And he finds more and more that he cannot argue with young men who speak only of horses, dogs and pleasures, who have neither seriousness in their character nor the desire to perfect themselves and to improve themselves. He feels enriched by everything he has seen, read, thought during this year.

In 1816, he went to Switzerland; in 1817 in the mountains of Bavaria. He still reads a lot of Pascal, Ariosto, Homer, Horace, Alfieri (with whom he finds several similarities) [2], Tasso, Goethe, Byron, Camoens, Calderon, etc.. He makes many projects of tragedies, heroic poems and other things, with all the effervescence of a talent that wanders. He recognized himself in a book on temperament in the chapter: “The sensual melancholic”. There are many impulses of friendship-love that lead nowhere, and yet he is fierce against those who seek him. He has a very masculine nature in its virtues, as in its defects. He must be the one who loves, who discovers, who distinguishes, and demands a sympathy that he doesn’t find at all. You can see, comparing the published fragments of his diary and his poems of that time, as some friends, such as Voelderndorf, worried him and interested him. He reports in the diary every time he meets a young man, polite and kind; he no doubt builds a scaffold of hope every time. He notes in a beautiful poem the sudden emotion of a friend at the sight of Platen and wonders if he is the poet who made his friend’s heart beat, or if it is a coincidence.

At that time, Platen would settle for very little, but he would not be surprised to get everything. He believes he has become very reasonable, he believes he has renounced the dreams that made his life bearable. He is full of modesty, of distrust, he doesn’t believe in his vocation, he is grateful when he is encouraged. He would like to have an advisor, he has too much false shame to cultivate those who could help him. He finds a passage in the Confessions of Rousseau that applies to him, the union “of a very ardent temperament, of lively passions and of ideas slow to be born, embarrassed, and which don’t show up except in hindsight.” He thinks is own merit consists in his struggle to arrive at truth and goodness. Journeys are an exquisite distraction for him. I think it is impossible to read his impressions of travel without feeling sympathy for him.

The day before his twenty-first birthday, one of his poems is published, he immediately sends copies to his parents, to Max von Gruber, to Fugger, to Dall ‘Armi, to Perglas, etc.. His friend Schlichtegroll, who had twenty-five copies, sends one to the painter Issel, and Platen receives from him a leaf grown on the tomb of Virgil.

Despite his friends, who all love the letters and the sciences, for him the life in Munich becomes unbearable and the desire to know, to learn grows so much in him, that he gets by the king to be sent to a university, first to Würzburg and then to Erlangen, first for a year and then for a longer period. The king paid him 600 guldens a year (it was a privilege granted to some of the Pages), his father gave him 300, and he received 12 monthly as an officer. After six months in Würzburg, Schelling, whom he had known as a child, kept him in Erlangen. Platen stays there until 1826.

As soon as he arrives in Erlangen, the change of environment, the professors who are interested in him, the students around him, the ardor of work, make him eventually find his poetic path. He starts writing admirable songs that only injustice has made less known than those of Heine.

Platen must now be pervaded by his masculine ideal, by his masculine love. He loves in silence, he declares himself. “You call me to a painful duty. Yet for one last time I would embrace you, don’t remember me anything before. Who could approach you with indifference, who could coldly see the beautiful, the divine figure, the divine, the beautiful form. Study my life; examine it to see if I have ever been burned by a guilty love, it is only your Dionysiac presence that has conquered my heart.”

“You say I was wrong, you swear to me, but I know you loved me, but now you don’t love me anymore. Your beautiful eyes burned, kisses burned even more, you loved me, confess it, but now you don’t love me anymore. I don’t count on any return of your love. Just confess that you loved me and you don’t love me anymore.”

It is impossible to know to whom these verses are addressed, but they are easy to decipher. Platen, always looking for a fraternal and passionate soul, must have had several disappointments; he was loved calmly, superficially, but not with passion, and probably those who would love him with passion, physically, would not have attracted him. Because in him the senses were confused when the imagination became inflamed.

In 1820 he writes (February 24th): “Never investigate my secret, you must not deepen it, the sympathy will reveal it to you, if we understand each other. Don’t ask what separates us. It is enough that we are separated from one another. What surrounds me, does not understand me and overwhelms me and pushes me, but if I try to console myself in poetry I find myself completely.”

Platen, finally understood his unisexual love and has not been damaged or depraved by this fact.

He is 24 years old, he is ardent, in love, and wants to love only in his own way and only the one whom he thinks worthy of being loved.

He wants passionately to find him, throws himself to his search, recovers, and then is happy with the rest of his heart and his job. On May 10th 1820: “Spring has invited everyone, but not me. He saw me as a prisoner, I was attached to his cheeks, to that face. Now I am free, now spring arrives, only now I can fully enjoy it, even if I’m calmer and calmer than streams and roses.”

In July, he feels again in love. But in the month of August he finds that only the echo has remained. His heart asks for love but he doesn’t know whom to love. This condition of uncertainty of desire tears off him many of the most beautiful poems of German literature.

He is very interested in Persian, studies Hafiz, writes fascinating Ghaselen very well received and appreciated, then comes to his great passion for Otto von Bulow in 1821; on July 13th he makes his acquaintance. He was a young dragon officer in Hanover, who had been given permission to spend a year at the University of Erlangen. He was joyous, light, without affectation and without arrogance, always kind and lovable.

Platen, melancholic in nature, who noted with joy and amazement the two friends with whom he had laughed a lot during his life, falls madly, passionately, platonically in love with Otto von Bulow. He reads Shakespeare’s sonnets greedily and finds there all his affection for Bulow. Full of Hafiz and his love, he finds finally the dreamed and desired ideal, we cannot be surprised by the speed with which the passion of Platen was exalted for his “beautiful friend”, as Fugger calls him in his letters to Platen. The poet’s literary activity naturally increases a lot; he studies oriental books and literature, books are brought from London, Vienna, Munich. He reads Calderon and Sophocles, and welcomes the profound religious sentiment that penetrates Ajax. During a brief absence of Bulow, he writes a poem about him where the name of Bulow is found in each stanza. We see his glory but also the fear that Bulow on the chest of a beautiful girl, is perhaps making fun of his friend. “I should die if I did not write to you; forgive me, Bulow, to love you so much. Who would not be chained by these eyes and these cheeks? Who would not like such joy, but above all a heart so honest? The beautiful Bulow doesn’t give it if not to goodness.”

This happiness (I think it is ridiculous to doubt the chastity of such an eloquent and exalted love at that time) did not last long. In early September, Bulow is recalled to his country and Platen accompanies him to Goettingen.

There, abandoned to his despair, he composes most of the “Ghaselen” of the Hafiz Mirror, which exclusively reflects Platen’s love for Bulow. He reads Cervantes, Persiles and Sigismunde, and other books in different languages.

He meets Goethe, and others, but without making any profit, because he receives a letter from Bulow telling him he is forced to stay in Hanover. The despair of Platen appears in his letters to Fugger. He swears he will no more write poems before he sees Bulow again. The delicacy of heart and spirit of the faithful Fugger is recognized by reading his letters. He doesn’t try to console his poor friend by recommending him resignation or oblivion. Instead, he advises him to hope for an encounter with Bulow; Bulow, he says, cannot forget him or stop being grateful [3]. Fugger also comes to spend some time with Platen, in Erlangen, to distract him.

In December 1821, Platen dreams of making a long trip during the Easter period to see Bulow again. He would have traveled on foot, spending about two guldens a day. He would not have had enough money to see Bulow for long, but at least he would have seen him; he could also go to the beach with him.

He reads the Bible every night in bed, and on January 1st he gets the idea of writing a drama about David and Jonathan, which he had already thought of in the past.

On February 3th, he sees the charming Liebig and makes his acquaintance on 17th. The famous scientist was not yet 20 years old and was then, as a long time later, extremely attractive. A tender friendship immediately linked him to Platen. On February 17th Platen writes: “He has clear ideas in everything and knows what he wants; the more two men approach each other, the more they try to reveal themselves to each other, the more they become enigmatic, and only a superficial man can believe that two men really know each other.” He writes verses for Liebig. Liebig left Erlangen almost immediately and in May spent a couple of days with Platen in Darmstadt; he never saw Platen again, but they continued to write, to love each other, to respect each other, and Liebig later publicly witnessed his friendship for Platen. The latter did not go to meet Bulow, for reasons I don’t know. Was it because of lack of money, or did Bulow get too cold for him? In any case, he announced to Fugger, when he returned from his trip, that he only went to Cologne. Explanations were given verbally.

A new passion seems to have taken possession of him, or rather it is the same passion for an ideal that cannot tame or hold back. It is Cardenio whom he considers the new symbol, the new incarnation of his idol. On July 22nd 1822, he wrote an epistle in verse, another on August 19th. He wrote several Ghaselen and in 1823 seven sonnets in Cardenio, and on March 13th a Ghasele (to Krieger, a student in Erlangen), which seems to close the episode: “The edifice of hope is dissolving – and yet we were so well together – dark hair, my face … ” the poems dedicated to Cardenio are among the most autobiographical and clearest.

Platen denies always to burn of a forbidden love, [4] and complains about the cruelty of his friend. Cardenio is cold and proud, thin and sweet. – In the evening Platen saw him working with his curly hair illuminated by the lamp. Cardenio is his last hope, there are times when he thinks they both suffer the same way. He cannot understand if he inspires hatred, a predilection for him or indifference.

Ah! if he could only rest on Cardenio’s beloved breast. Ah! No, because a more beautiful head rests on his chest; “Take this letter, give it to your beloved so that he can ask himself if he feels in himself a consistency like mine.”

He wishes to be the pipe between the lips of Cardenio, who receives his perpetual kiss, envies his cap, he who almost never could touch his hair. He was illuminated one winter evening by Cardenio who wore a torch, and this memory inspires a beautiful sonnet. – After long trials and long doubts, it seems that the enemies of Platen (the poets have always enemies, especially those sober, those closed and those austere who don’t allow themselves too much) have indisposed Cardenio against his friend. A casual fact left them alone all night, and Platen dared to put his arm around Cardenio and confess his love. Cardenio did not seem shy at all, and did not retreat, seemed to be acquiescent with his silence, and Platen left him, drunk with love, believing that their souls were melting, that their hearts went to beat one beside the other, believing that Cardenio belonged to him, but the following days Cardenio became colder, harder and harder, and Platen let himself go to the love lamentations. If his wish had been guilty he would have understood that coldness; all sadden him; he had a spotless mirror in which to look at himself, now he cannot be reflected in what is dead, and hide all the pains that are being prepared for him.

Platen’s wishes are specified: rest on the chest of an intellectual friend, handsome and trustworthy seems to be Platen’s amorous ideal. Three years later, in 1826, the same ideal will be found in the sonnets in Karl-Theodor German, and also in the great triumphal sonnet that is near the end of the sonnets.

This loving aspiration without a sexual purpose pronounced or admitted made the furious and trivial Heine call Platen “tribade man”.

In any case, Platen’s desire, in his orientation and intensity, is absolutely uranian, platonic, unisexual. Sodomy, sexual intercourses are very far from this love; and this is probably what helps him to recover, in Platen’s eyes, what makes him call it an innocent love. From the point of view of religion or the code of social conventions, obviously, one could say that this type of chastity is dangerous and reprehensible, but how can the lover judge in this way a tyrannical love, which asks nothing of what the debauchery demands?

“My love may not be praiseworthy, says Platen one day, but it seems foolhardy to blame it.”

Platen has never been false or hypocritical; and when he proclaimed his love for Otto von Bulow and for Cardenio, he sincerely believed he loved in an elevated and dignified way. He believed in decentralizing the sexual instinct, transfiguring the senses, making them feel spiritual sensations, and consoling the soul by teaching it bodily emotions. “I am for you what the soul is for the body, what the body is for the soul, I am for you what the woman is for the man, [5] what the man is for the woman” He says in a Ghasele, and so frankly expresses the nature of his love. It is the passion of similarity, of homosexuality, which pushes Platen.

The uranism, the unisexuality are different in him in this way: put aside the female sex, his love is addressed neither to the effeminate, nor to the very young, nor to mature men.
Platen has always been in one piece, direct, and as such has also been treated by many illustrious men, with respect and consideration. The list of contemporaries who have paid homage to his character and talent is long and contains noble names. “I, who have never loved art or half-beauty, have the right, he says, to make accents rarely heard”, and it is certainly what his friends thought. Goethe has made a point of honor to publicly pay tribute to Platen and to assert his superiority over Ruckert.

In 1823, after the disappointment of Cardenio, Platen wrote with inspiration and ease several poems, and thanks to the letters of Liebig, thanks to the friendship of Professor Engelhardt, of Schelling, of Bruchmann, of the scientist Doellinger, of Kernell, a young hectic with whom he studied the Swedish, saw splendid days. This is the culmination of his stay in Erlangen. In Platen, who has nothing of the erotomaniac or degenerate, the sufferings of love are followed by a great intellectual activity, as happens to all superior men who don’t seek oblivion in dissipation or pleasure.

He writes in five days “The glass slipper”, a fairy tale. The Swedish phlegmatic Kernell was so fascinated that he threw himself at the Platen’s neck; and the story, read to friends and their wives and sisters, was very successful.

The last Ghaselen were very well received. Platen receives an interesting letter from Cassel, from Ludwig-Sigismund Ruhl, [6]. Ruhl tells him that sympathy is a mystery that he does not want to deepen. The first verses of Platen had already made him known a sympathy that we feel for a few people. He seems to have understood Platen before Platen understood himself and didn’t hesitate to tell him. If they will ever meet, Platen will be able to convince himself of the relationship between their minds and their lives. He wants an answer. Platen asks for his portrait and receives it accompanied by an enthusiastic letter.

Dramatic poetry now interests Platen. He writes the Treasury of Rhampstnit, Aucassin and Nicolette. On 21st August 1824 he goes to Venice. His first volume of comedies earned him 154 florins. Hanover’s aunt sent him six gold louis.

Venice inspired him the admirable Venetian sonnets, and he was enthusiastic about Italian painters, for the gospel of beauty. His artistic taste is perfected and matures progressively.

Venice makes him forget his past life, and he lives in a present without yesterday.

The October 24 he celebrates his birthday in Venice going in the morning to see the Barbara by Palma in the church of Santa Maria Formosa, then Tiziano and Bellini in S. Giovanni e Paolo, then the Cristo by Campagna in San Giuliano, then goes to S. Crisostomo to see Piombo, then to San Samuele to see the “Sebastiano” by Veronese, I don’t continue the itinerary. On November 9th, he leaves Venice and on the 19th he arrives in Munich after seven years of absence. He thinks that he had been happy, unknown and busy there. He goes to see Xylander and his wife and other friends, old and new. He is celebrated, his sonnets are applauded.

He sees again after seven years Euphrasia, whom he had believed to love, and that no other woman had come to erase in his mind. He comes back to Erlangen which now bores him, is punished militarily for having passed his period of military leave, and remains from January 2 till to March 22th at the arrests in Nuremberg. He reads a lot in this period and writes in prose and verse.

On March 23th, he receives a letter from a melancholic poetess, in love with Platen. He does not like Erlangen anymore after Venice and Munich. His friends are too busy, and he needs to see new faces, new places.

On June 14th in Erlangen one of his plays is staged (Aucassin and Nicolette) with great success in front of a young and friendly audience.

He’s acclaimed by the public and is brought to the scene almost in spite of himself. Schelling after the show gathers friends to honor the poet.

Here the fragments of the diary that we owe to Professor Engelhardt and Karl Pfeufer stop. [7]

In 1826 Platen wrote a comedy in the style of Aristophanes and also twenty-six sonnets in Karl-Theodor German, sonnets and elegies, of rebellion, of desires, of passion. In a letter to Fugger, he says that the author of the play is the most unfortunate of men.

These sonnets in Karl-Theodor German are among the most beautiful in German literature. Platen in the sonnet flies above all German poets, including Goethe. The perfection of form, the poignant and sumptuous emotion is reflected in them perfectly. The feeling is the same as Shakespeare’s sonnets (with the personal note) and the form is that of the Italian or French sonnet. Platen in his sonnets has reached one of the peaks of poetry. He apparently received no hostility and evil from this German, but was once again persecuted by his unhappy choice. Those he loved the most were taken away by the absence or never belonged to him. He was always ready to love faithfully, constantly, always, and never had the opportunity to prove his sincerity, but he kept at least one promise, to give immortality, celebrity.

Who would know Otto von Bulow or Karl-Theodor German without the great poet?

The last sonnet (the twenty-first) [8] of the poet soaked in bitterness ends like this: “How tired I am of my country!”

And in the same year he went to Italy where he stayed until his death in Syracuse, with the exception of a trip to Munich to see his beloved mother who became a widow.

The collection of ninety seven sonnets ends in a surprising and unique way. After having consoled himself of his sufferings of love, remembering that he has always restored the balance of his life with all the strength and all the dignity of his soul, the poet who has so loved and suffered so much, ends with an epithalamy of unisexual love victorious and with his own epitaph, saying calmly what he did, boasting that pure style that has not been overcome, his odes and sonnets, and his influence on the German language.

He arrived in Rome on the thirtieth anniversary of his birth and died in Syracuse December 5th 1835.

This is not a biography of Platen, nor even his literary history. For this reason, a few lines will suffice. Having had great success (and being conscious of it) in the Ghasele, in the song, and in the sonnet, the ode is the only lyrical form that enchants him and he writes odes ever more complicated and formally rigorous. Now he knows himself thoroughly. What amuses the others down there in his country does not amuse him. Nature, for his suffering, honed his hearing and allowed him to use music to perpetuate all pain. He has been slandered and, despite his silence, he suffers a lot. Even in politics (and politics interests him more and more) he cannot say what he thinks. We must therefore put aside (he tells in an ode) the mantle of illusion, the embroidered garment of the senses.

And the following ode, with its love melancholy of honey kisses, its sighs and its looks, messengers of happiness, perhaps, and the silence and darkness, show that the poetic sentiment did not even sleep in this attractive Italy. Did he not then frequently see a young Italian artist, the most beautiful creature he had ever met? But soon his goodness, his affection and his desire to be useful bind him to August Kopisch, musician and poet, who himself expressed his gratitude to his illustrious friend.

“Our bond is not like the most part of the bonds, said Platen, our witnesses are the sea and the earth. The image of your image for a long time was in me, from the moment in which the vocation to friendship had awakened in my soul that longs to see itself again, but more noble, in another person. Chest against chest, servants of love, let us build a new Rome to that love.”

After 1829 the love poems cease. That year the Romantic Oedipus appears, a great comedy in the style of Aristophanes; then, in 1833, a history of the Kingdom of Naples from 1414 to 1443, then the League of Cambrai; then, in 1834, the beautiful poem in nine songs, the Abassids; then, in 1854, the second edition of his poems. After his death his political poems were published.

The climate of Italy, his many Italian friends, the Germans who traveled there, the admirers who wrote to him, his friends in Germany who always loved him, and the absence of the coercions he had undergone in Germany, certainly made him more happy the years of Italy. And one can be sure that even in this voluptuous Italy and less hypocritical than his Bavaria, Platen didn’t renounce either his principles or his dignity. The pleasure without love never inspired him, and a poet so autobiographical would have surely sung the beautiful bodies and the classic caresses if venal love had played an important role in his life. And a man so honest and truthful (his mother, who survived him, said he never told a lie), if he wrote, he would write the truth. Before 1829 there are still very beautiful odes of love, and one would be surprised if after suffering so much to love without body, Platen had not been tempted by bodies without souls; tempted, but not defeated.

When it will be decided to publish Platen’s complete diary, I think that morality, psychology and literature will gain a lot.

Platen is, in my opinion, clearly the male poet and uranist of the enthusiastic friendship and higher uranism. And, as he himself said, if it is impossible to praise his conception of love, it is foolhardy to blame it. He wanted to satisfy in the most intellectual and ideal the needs of his delicate and ardent nature, always seeking the image he had within himself, trying to find this very noble mirror, not content with any other consolation that friendship and art, when he lacked love. Because you must not confuse his friendships and his loves. His friendships were lasting because they were based on his solid virtues; his loves were not because they were an illusion, an ideal to be pursued, of symbols of worship.

“Are there two souls that understand each other completely? He said; man must seek the answer to this enigma, looking for men like him, until death, until he can seek and die.”

In a letter to Schwab Guslav, from Rome, February 16th 1828, Platen talks about a young Waiblinger who had written a poem for him and wanted one. The poet refused because this Waiblinger repelled him too much. “He has talent, but not enough. His stay in Italy is fatal. His poems are no better because he puts inside the Pantheon, the Colosseum, etc. .. But how do you want him to became a Sophocles when he lived like a pig, which he admits every day, because his frankness, he is not afraid of be disgusting. Lord Byron, it is true, was able to give some credentials to the libertine geniuses, but certainly he did not behave badly not even a half of what they said, and then lived in luxury and did not need to attend taverns and brothels.”

Relationships between truthfulness, lies and sexual life are tight. The effeminate people are liars at all levels, from the meticulous perfidy to the unconsciousness, to the incontinence of falsehoods. They observe things badly and report badly what they have observed. The exaggerations of lies and sexuality are well known from hysteric, sick, criminal, insane people.

The courtesans or the independents, Ninon de l’Enclos and her followers have sometimes boast to be honest, which is very difficult for many effeminate men, and even impossible for a certain number.

The uranist, the unisexual male, like Platen or Michelangelo, who is sincere with himself and with others, is in a particular position as regards his sexuality, once he has reached the age of reason. His fiery, lively, flammable temperament makes him want furiously a complete love without fear, without restraint and without suspicion, the determination in love, at the same time, has an ideal of which it would not know how to do without. He cannot pretend to love someone who doesn’t seem worthy to him just to achieve the sweetness of illusion. The effeminate, the presumptuous, the greedy, the fickle, the curious man, those who would abandon themselves to appearances for a little fun, cannot understand the position of the uranist whom truth and truthfulness defend from frivolous pleasures, from deceiver passions, from relationships that don’t last, and that give too much to do, too much to hope for, in order to get drunk with the pleasures of the street Eros.

Let’s teach first of all truth, veracity, sincerity, if we want the sexual man, heterosexual or unisexual, do not stumble under the weight of his sexuality.
________

[1] Subject of these youthful poems is the love of a girl for her beloved.
[2] The same timidity, the same “taciturna natura” (“taciturn nature”) [in Italian in the text], the same slowness and “ritrosità” (“backwardness”) [in Italian in the text] towards new knowledges, the same stubbornness, the same obstinacy. He was pleased, like him, to be noble because he could more easily despise the prejudices of his caste without being accused of envy. He didn’t even like dance. He could not get used to military coercion, and always felt a certain melancholy when he didn’t like someone or something.
[3] Once again I have to neglect several interesting nuances and several delicate shades.
[4] Like Michelangelo in many poems.
[5] Heine has committed the vulgar action of mentioning only this hemistich and not the next.
[6] A biography of this interesting man is desirable.
[7] Published in 1860.
[8] To K. T. German.

____________
If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum:

 

I DISCOVERED I WAS GAY AT THE AGE OF 30

Hi Project,

First of all I have to thank you for last night, I can guarantee you that I was very impressed, I didn’t imagine similar things, I had understood that it was a serious thing and I also realized that it should have a true sense, but I didn’t think things could happen like the ones you made me read. It was not the first time I was trying to get closer to gay environments but I was very suspicious because my previous experiences had been disappointing.

Of course it is almost unbelievable that one wakes up 30 years old and starts so late to see things that are obvious but the removal was so strong that, as I told you, I came a step away from the marriage, then, fortunately I asked myself what I was doing and the world collapsed on me. I have been mad for everyone, from my girlfriend to my parents, I don’t tell how her parents reacted, but now the worst moment of the storm after the breakdown of the marriage hypothesis has passed. To my ex I couldn’t, or maybe not wanted to explain anything, I’ve exploited her for years, it’s true, but I didn’t realize it. She felt betrayed, I know, but I would never be able to explain how things really are, because it’s ugly to say, but I often thought that she would marry me, even if between us there was no real transport, neither sexual nor emotional, just to find an accommodation, it could seem bad and perhaps I’m looking for a justification, but that’s what I think.

When my parents learned that I would not be married, they thought everything but the right thing. Neither my father nor my mother have the slightest suspicion that I can be gay and I think this is good, because the atmosphere is already strange but if they knew that I’m gay it would be difficult to live together. I still live with them but I have a stable job not bad and I could also go to stay on my own, but we are in the same city, a small city, and going to live in another house would not give me more privacy, I should really change city, but this would mean changing job.

It seems very strange to me when I walk down the street, turn around to look at a guy, because I’m not used to it, I’ve always avoided doing it, almost on principle, I know it’s a stupid thing but that’s what happened for years and years, then I’m rediscovering the pleasures of sex (not the couple sex) and it begins to seem to me like a simple thing, I would say completely natural, which is done because it’s pleasant and you leave the thoughts free to go where they want, and it seems strange to me that for many years I have had so many problems with these things.

When I visit porn sites I mostly look for photos of nice guys in very spontaneous attitudes and I think the guys are just a beautiful thing, maybe the most beautiful thing that nature has created and I imagine how it would be to know a guy exactly how I dream of him, how it would be to embrace him knowing that he wants it, in short, being with a guy like me, that is, who thinks the same things, who desires the same things, who immediately understands what I want to say.

When I was with my girlfriend I didn’t feel uncomfortable, even if she didn’t love me in the true sense of the word (and how could she?) Somehow she loved me but I felt that being with her was not what I really wanted and I was wondering how could so many other guys find sex so engaging, now I understand it and I find it engaging too, but the gay sex, but then I considered my gay impulses a kind of private perversion that must be repressed because it’s obvious that it’s wrong.

I miss so much to know other gay guys, not those of pride but of those like me, who may have also passed through straight experiences or even not, but gay guys with whom I can talk freely. Last night I felt strange because we talked about sexuality, that is gay sexuality, and I thought I would never have succeeded. I don’t hide that I was also affected by the fact of being too big to still have these problems, I told myself that at twenty, ok, it’s possible, but at 30, it’s impossible, I felt immature. There are many gay guys like me … it’s true, in fact it’s obvious, but I had always removed the idea of making the big jump and trying to understand what is “really” on the other side of the wall. I begin to think that on the other side of the wall there is a very normal world of real guys who live or try to live as they can, that is, in the best way with respect to the situation around them, which unfortunately doesn’t encourage gays.

The Gay Project environment is actually very different from the classic gay environments. I happened to be a bit on the chat, and a guy who had launched a sexual proposal was immediately kicked, just in two seconds time. This fact struck me a lot, I didn’t talk in the chat and I didn’t respond to the greeting because I didn’t want to talk but I followed the conversation and it was very far from those of other gay chats, then I decided to send you the mail, well, I didn’t even expect an answer, but you answered less than half an hour later and after an hour we were on msn. I must say that I was impressed by the whole tone of the conversation, very simple and very direct. We talked all night and I apologize for it, but it was worth it. Now, if I think I’m gay, I feel less strange, it doesn’t seem to me like a perversion, it really struck me when you said that being gay is a way of loving, it’s true! But I never put it this way.

You made me think about another fundamental thing, that is prevention. Frankly such things can be easily underestimated because one is led to think that are very distant things that can happen only to others, I believe that I will treasure what I learned yesterday when I fall in love with a guy and I hope it would happen soon, because now I begin to see it as something that could also happen even if it still seems to me a distant thing. Me with a boyfriend? Well, such a thing a few months ago would have put me in crisis, but now I think I would very much like it.

You insisted a lot on loving each other and I didn’t expect it, I always saw sex between two guys as something that is done especially for oneself and not as a form of shared tenderness. Project, all right, I don’t do it too long, I think I’ll send you some more mail if you have the patience to answer me. The Project is truly a unique thing!

Andrew N.

__________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-i-discovered-i-was-gay-at-the-age-of-30