What follows is a discussion started on 27/8/2012 on the Italian Gay Project forum.
Hello Project, I am 18 years old, for some days I’m of age but I feel terribly stupid, I know that I did something very stupid and now I feel disgusted. Project, I have always had a good idea of sex, I always thought it was an important thing to live with my boyfriend, if I had one, and in a true love relationship. I know that the right things are these, I know it very well, I always thought this way until about twenty days ago, then different ideas started to come up my mind, that I don’t have to be alone, that it’s not fair that I don’t have a partner, that I cannot settle for videos, because there is also this, that in words I have a very nice concept of sex but then, you know how it works, and in the end you adapt, and it is just depressing because if maybe it was to be with a guy that I really like and that I fell in love with, well, that’s ok, I say because you really feel the desire for sex, but that’s not what happens to me, because in practice I have nothing to do, I sprawl on the bed and just out of boredom, because there is nothing else to do and the hand goes there, but let’s say that I go forward (and I arrive at the end) only with imagination because the imagination of those things doesn’t miss me at all, I don’t even look for porn, it’s rare, I start to imagine how it would be with one I like.
It’s a painful thing, I know, but what else can I do? And this doesn’t even involve me too much, in short, it’s like doing something just to do something, now there is nothing left of what one expects from sex, it’s a thing like another, then when I finished, I think, well I did even this, at least I fall asleep more easily. This is what happened in practice up to 15 days ago, then I told myself that I had to change system because I am no more stupid than others, that a guy my age also has the right to do what he wants and so I registered on a dating site.
I have not really thought about it when I did it, then I have been glued to the screen for three days. I don’t tell you what a kind of people, I told myself that they should be hospitalized because they are not aware of themselves. Then I happened to meet a guy not so bad, he said that he was 25 years old, perhaps he was even older but he wasn’t an old man like some others who seemed horrible to me just looking at their pictures (enormous bellies!). I speak a bit with that twenty-five, so, writing in the chat he tells me that he feels alone, that he joined that site in despair because he seeks an honest guy like him just for friendship, in short things were such. We chat writing for two hours, he is from my city, it happened by chance because I didn’t put the city in my profile, then he tells me that he wants a picture and sends me one of his own.
Nice, he was nice, maybe the photo was not his, but the photo was nice, but I didn’t know what I had to send him, I didn’t want send him a photo of mine but I had to give it something. I made one picture with the camera, very blurred, so that he couldn’t understand anything and I sent it to him, he told me that I was a nice guy and other such things, he wanted to speak in voice but I had my parents at home and couldn’t talk at all and I told him and then he told me that we could hear each other after midnight, to talk a bit, but I told him again that I couldn’t talk at all. He didn’t insist, he told me: “somehow we’ll talk at midnight” and we said goodbye.
I then went to dinner but I felt very excited and the thought was always there. My parents were seeing the TV and in my room I was waiting for them to go to bed but they were there to talk and they seemed to have no intention of going to bed and it made me angry. When they closed their bedroom door and turned off the light it was a quarter past midnight and I thought I’d lost the appointment for a quarter of an hour. I turn on the PC, I go and contact that guy, after two minutes he sends me the call for the video chat, I say no but he insists, he tells me we had at least to say hello looking at each other, I say: let’s try! If maybe he is naked I close immediately, and so I accept.
He was sitting quietly wearing a tank top, we cannot talk and we only write, he tells me that he must go for a moment to drink, when he gets up I see him in shorts, those used on the beach, but I was exactly like him because even at night the heat was terrible . Then he comes back. I quote here for you the log of the conversation. He is “Nice Mouse”, I’m Nic (as usually my nick is Nic and I tell him that my name is Nicholas but it’s not true).
– Nice Mouse writes – thank you for accepting, I’m really happy
– Nic writes – It was not an easy choice, you never know what you can expect
– Nice Mouse writes – in what sense?
– Nic writes – that you may find a naked guy who wants only sex from you eh eh eh
– Nice Mouse writes – but I’m a nice guy. Don’t be worried!
– Nic writes – I’m glad that now I can see you, because, you know, you said 25 years, but they could have been even 60
– Nice Mouse writes – No, come on, I don’t want to cheat you! However … damn if you’re a nice guy! You’re not just nice, you’re beautiful!
– Nic writes – Who? I? You’re the one beautiful! You’re really strong, a nice chest and two iron biceps.
– Nice Mouse writes – Wait for me to take off the tank top, because I like the compliments
– Nic writes – Wow! But you’re really cool! I would love to have a body like yours!
– Nice Mouse writes – I think you don’t miss anything, come on! Let me see a little! Stand up and make muscles like bodybuilders, right so, very good! Damn if you’re beautiful! You don’t have a thread of fat! Come on! Get out of that tank top … damn! A body to go crazy for! Really! But are you going to the gym?
– Nic writes – yes but twice a week, something like that, not at a competitive level, but I think that instead you do training at the gym at a serious level.
– Nice Mouse writes – I try, then, you know, by dint of insisting, you reach a result.
Project, now you know how it started, basically we went on slowly, then we saw each other only in briefs and then without and then we masturbated together. At the end he tells me it was beautiful and he never thought that sex could be like that, I congratulate him because I too was very well and tells me (I quote here the piece of conversation, I had told him that my name was Nicholas, I think I already told you this very important particular)
– Nice Mouse writes – Nic, if you want, tomorrow we do it in person, eh, what do you think?
– Nic writes – well now I’m a little embarrassed, I don’t feel prepared for something like this
– Nice Mouse writes – Nic, but if it is for the fear of diseases we do it with condoms, what’s the problem?
– Nic writes – well it’s not just for that
– Nice Mouse writes – come on! Let us have a bit of fun!
– Nic writes – no, please, don’t insist, I don’t really feel like it.
– Nice Mouse writes – Come on! That in person the effect in much more involving, So do you agree for tomorrow?
– Nic writes – No, let’s leave things as they are.
– Nice Mouse writes – but you’re just a kid! You saw it, I don’t eat you!
– Nic writes – No, come on, don’t insist.
We go on like that for a few minutes with this pull and spring and he tries everything to convince me, but the more he insists the more I convince myself that I don’t want. Before closing I say to him: “Tomorrow we meet again on cam?” And he replies “Now for a week I work outside the city, but when I come back I make myself heard.”
If I said I didn’t like what happened I would say a huge lie. I went to sleep at half past two but I was all upset, practically my first experience of this kind. He was beautiful, sexy, not aggressive, it was the first time he had entered the chat, at least I thought it was so, and we had met by chance. Ok, he was several years older than me but anyway he wasn’t an old man and then I also liked him from certain points of view we can say anatomical. So I was in orbit.
The speech of seeing each other in person was the only thing that I didn’t like, it seemed to me too much premature but the rest had seemed really exciting. I had a week off in front of me, but I didn’t want to go to the dating site because I wanted to stay true to him! I was at that point! I know it’s stupid but it’s just what I thought. So for a week no dating site and no porn, just fantasy and fantasy, about him obviously! So you can imagine that in practice I didn’t think of anything else. I spend Sunday, I expect that Monday he calls me but he doesn’t, I start to fall into paranoia, I look for him but he is never on msn neither on the dating site. We had not exchanged cell phone numbers so I couldn’t contact him. I only had his e-mail but he didn’t answer. On Wednesday I receive this email.
“Nicole, it was a dream of a week, I hadn’t thought about anything else for months, I could finally kiss you and hold you to me. You are my little she mouse, the puppy that can send me into raptures! only a woman like you knows what’s sex and I live for you, you’re my fixed idea, I don’t think about anything else, I’ve never looked at another woman, I have eyes (and not just eyes) only for you, my sweet little she mouse. With your brother we talked a lot, don’t worry that everything will be fine, I will try to put things right, don’t worry about it. You are half of my soul and you know that I would do anything for you. [omissis] (explicit and detailed sexual references follow, that I omit.) Your Nice Mouse who always thinks of you!”
This e-mail left me stunned not to say like a piece of shit! He sent it to me by mistake because the mail program after Nic has completed my (fake) name (Nicholas) and not Nicole and he did not notice it! Project that there were sons of a whore on the net I knew it and he had not actually been such, but maybe it would have been if we had seen each other in person, I don’t know, but what upsets me is that this guy was straight, at least straight his way, if such a guy can be considered straight. He obviously has a girlfriend and from what he says, he has great sex with her, but a guy who does with another guy what he did with me (and now I think he did the same so many other times) how can he completely forget about the other guy, telling him a lot of lies to go away to have sex with the girl?
Project, you can understand that I felt a total imbecile, ok, there are men who have a girlfriend or even married who spend nights on cam having sex with guys! But for me, such a thing is incredible! Are they bisexual? I don’t know, but of course with these guys I feel I have nothing in common. I had sex with him on cam, ok, but then I was scrupulous about using a porn, while he wasn’t at all interested in me because the next day he had to go with his beloved pussy! But what were you looking for? I felt treated just like a piece of shit. But is this guy a gay? If he’s gay, well I swear I cut my dick!
Other users of the forum respond to Nic’s post.
ANSWER N. 1
There are married men who go on the sites to get sex on cam with guys .. they say they are curious heterosexual guys or even 100% straight but they like that stuff. You’re not stupid, you trusted him. In those sites, unfortunately you have to go with the knowledge that 90% of people want to have sex and among these there are those who want to get there by any means. You live your sexuality in the world that you believe, casual sex is not the absolute evil but you have to be careful.
ANSWER N. 2
Dear Nicholas, premised that there is nothing squalid in masturbating thinking about guys you like, even better without the support of porn. I have nothing against porn, it is simply a sexual model that is neither in heaven nor on earth, especially if referring to gay sexuality. Unfortunately there are a lot of guys like the one you’re talking about, my first adventure eleven years ago was with a guy engaged whit a girl, who used to answer his girlfriend on the phone right in front of me. At that time I didn’t want anything else anyway.
I would like to tell you only two things related to what you are telling, the first is that something really important happened. You put yourself in the game, you met a guy you liked and you had the chance to experience a sexual involvement, which for sure was for you the premise for a much stronger feeling. This experience in itself is beautiful, there were new energies and the ability to feel alive, you do not have to give up these things. In this respect, only he has made the figure of the perfect fool, not you. You are consistent with what you like, he obviously has very confused ideas and has no real intention to investigate the matter.
He is twenty-five years old and chooses a chat to experience his homosexuality and according to what he told us he is a picker, both of women and guys, and of the well-trained ones. In short, it is his problem not to really want to understand how things are, not wanting to accept it and live a life full of falsehood, with this huge compromise behind. He made fun of you, of his girlfriend, but above all he makes fun of himself and this causes me a huge sadness. On the second point I’ll be a little more generic, I have already said my opinion million times. The problem of chat rooms and dating sites is that there is no kind of naivety allowed there. One can also be there, but must have in mind the place where he is and how he intends to move. He must be clear with itself even on what he wants. Do you understand what is the point?
And even if he were a gay man in one piece, do you think that he would only asks you to have sex on cam and meet him in person? You have to think about these things, a guy who asks you right at beginning to see you and who feels so comfortable with this proposal as to put even you at ease you, is clearly one accustomed to such things. Sometimes there is in us the conviction of being special and we think that what happened to us happened only to us. Of course we are special, but in front of the other we become special over time, at the beginning we are like everyone else. And with one of the kind then that you would have done? What kind of anxiety would he have raised in you? Do you know what I think? You were lucky to find out soon how he really was and especially to have never met him in person.
I‘m not at all surprised, nothing new about this world eh eh! The first thing I would do, if I were you, is to cancel me immediately from the dating site before having to face other probable disappointments, which you absolutely don’t deserve. If you want a relationship of love, you certainly will not find it in such places, you would be forced to look for the classic needle in the haystack and, even if you found that blessed needle, you could still receive yet another disappointment. I have received confirmation from a person I know and who has tried to deepen the knowledge with one of these so called guys who claim to be good and serious. I can tell you that it was over with “Let’s stay at least .. friends” For some, these meeting sites are like a drug that they cannot get rid of, they can cancel themselves from the dating site many times to register again the following day. But again, I certainly didn’t reveal the discovery of the year. Good luck!
If you look for friendships in those sites I tell you that it is very difficult to meet someone worthy, almost impossible. You must be able to skim the users and maybe you could also find at most a 2% of guys like you in there, since most feel as if they were on a pedestal, they feel powerful, for the simple fact that they can do whatever they want, having sex with the guys they want in that world, only to come back to reality, with their tails between their legs, at home, by their wives or their girlfriends. You wrote: ” Project, you can understand that I felt a total imbecile, ok, there are men who have a girlfriend or even married who spend nights on cam having sex with guys! But for me, such a thing is incredible!
Are they bisexual?” This question is legitimate and could further support my personal thinking that those attracted to men are much more than that ridiculous 10% of which we write. Meanwhile, see it as an experience that will help you to mature, while he, who goes on with the double life, is the one who should come down from the pedestal, he is the coward who doesn’t have the courage to admit to himself that he is doing this bullshit. I wonder how long his marriage with “Nicole” can last with if the premises are these! A hug!
Ah ah! Nicholas, please don’t take my laughter as offensive, but it makes me laugh so much that that double agent cock (in both senses) has been disgraced by the automatic completion of the mail program! Try not to get angry!: let’s say that, taken by boredom and discouragement, you have sought a little adventure and you had your fun, but the downside is that had your fun it inside some kind of sewer-site, in which, rightly, as well as mice, rats and sewer rats, you cannot expect to find anything else! Don’t feel frustrated and stupid, it happens to virtually everyone and it happens extremely often to do bad meetings, both in the real world and even more on the Internet where anonymity and distance free the rabble from any inhibitory brake.
It is certainly not your fault if you came across such a guy, indeed it is practically the rule in those places. Of course, the signals all in all were quite clear; now you will think twice before taking off your T-shirt on request. Remember this unfortunate event as a small warning that you cannot really trust appearances and that in certain environments the iron logic of take-away does not yield to anything, certainly not to a basic minimum of consistency, nor even less in front of a boy who desperately desires serious and authentic communication with others.
ANSWER N. 6
Damn, what a disappointment, and what an anger! We make many fantasies because rarely, compared to the hetero world, we have opportunities to approach guys, but there is always the guy who is looking for sex only for fun and curiosity having anyway hetero inclinations, and we delude ourselves .. I suggest you to unsubscribe from that site, the adventures in the dating sites, not by hearsay, but for facts more or less like those I have personally tried, almost all (99, 5%) end up badly. I certainly don’t want this, not even sex, but maybe my sexual desire is less than yours, since you are older than me, but now that I know this forum my needs are much more sentimental that sexual and then goodbye .. because I’m not knowing new people and I’m in the situation of not being able to know them, in a reality that crushes me, I come back perpetually to the starting point, because I’m shy, because my physical self-esteem is very poor, because it is said that to find someone and create a relationship you must have self-esteem from the point of view of “sentimental relationship and physical appearance” and I have none of this, because they say it’s too early to have a story because I’ve understood myself from relatively little time and I have to recognize that, at 16, I have to shut up since there are people who have three times my years, but also four times my age and they feel the need much more than me, so I understand that I have to repress even my sadness because I find myself in a vicious circle made of fear of being exposed, low self-esteem about my being able to get engaged, awareness of being better placed than others in situations of family etc.. As a result of this I look at these things head down and I focus on study, sports and my friendships that, for me, probably, if they were complicated by my confessions may no longer be such. However I tell you to be quiet and to live with this disappointment. Wait and seize the opportunities when they peek from your door, focus on something else, the only thing that can help in this case it is to think that we are many sitting on the same train.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-sex-on-cam