I jump the pleasantries. I am 55 years old, I am married and have two children, two guys, 22 and 24 years old, who are my true pride, but they are 100% straight if not 200%. But there is a problem and I’m the problem, I got married at 28, lost in love with my current wife. My adolescence was that typical of a clearly straight guy: chasing girls, almost like a fixation, masturbation using only fantasy, thinking about those girls. But for me girls were not an interest just for sex, I liked everything about girls, from their smell, even the genital one, to their company, to their intellectual attitude.
Before getting to know my wife I had two important stories with two girls who got me very involved. With neither of them, however, I had a real sexual relation, because both were virgins and insisted that without marriage they would not have had complete sex with anyone (what, however, then happened, even if not with me). The first story was over because I refused to introduce myself to the girl’s parents and she could not stand it, the second one, I think, because there was another guy, she always denied it, but I always thought it was so.
At the age of 25 I met my wife and with her everything was different from the beginning. In practice, I had lived of masturbation using fantasy up to 25 years, because I would never have had the courage to buy a porn magazine at the newsstand, and I expected that with her there would be the problem of virginity and therefore I felt rather slowed down, then, slowly I saw that she didn’t stop me, I slipped a hand under her skirt and she let me do, I touched her breasts and she let me do, and then in practice it was she who took the initiative to have true sex.
We started with mutual masturbation and then the rest came by itself. She was not only beautiful but intelligent and between us there was a perfect understanding. I was overjoyed, a beautiful and intelligent girl all mine and only mine. There was only the problem of the condom that I didn’t like, but I could understand it and I accepted it to avoid her taking the pill. I think then there was nobody happier than me. When she told me about marriage, I hugged her lifting her off the floor. Everything went not well but beautifully until the birth of our second child. Now there were the children, we had less sex but the complicity was still total.
Since my second child was 5 years old, my wife, who is a lawyer, began to practice. We decided together, because we would have had a lot more economic possibilities, because before I was the only one who was working. I was happy with the idea that she worked. But the thing created a lot of problems, the children were very young and I could take care of them, at least I thought so, but she chose for me and hired a nanny. I had my job that left me a lot of free time, I could go out on my own but I didn’t want it and ended up staying home, locked in a room not to annoy the nanny.
When my wife came home in the evening (never before 10pm) she was hydrophobic and was on the phone discussing work until well past midnight. In short I realized that my wife was no longer the same person, she was completely disinterested in the family. She thought a little of her children, but certainly not of me. Between us sex had become a regular event on a Saturday night, and was mainly for her an anti-stress exercise.
After doing everything to avoid, at 35, I started to masturbate, which at first seemed frustrating in itself but then I got used to it, but it didn’t end there, I was frustrated by the lack of a human relationship with my wife, I felt the passing of time, at 48 I started to use pornography, almost compulsively, and always in secret, and in practice my sexual life returned to that of the kids. I must point out that my sexual fantasies were all just hetero, I looked only straight porn, but I looked at them angrily, as if sex were more violence and domination than pleasure. I don’t deny that this fact has worried me, because it had never been like that.
My wife was slowly coming out of my life, I even went to see a lawyer for separation, but then I didn’t talk with her and the marriage went on wearily. On the other hand I didn’t want to put the children at risk, they still seemed too young. I tried to find another woman, with one I even tried the first approaches, but I treated her in an acidic way because I probably identified her with my wife, she could not get any more my jokes and so she gave me up. In 2013, the year of the turning point, something happened that I would never have imagined, surfing porn sites, which sometimes just tired me, I ended up casually watching a gay video. I thought it I would have bothered and instead it was not like that, I saw it all while masturbating and I came very intensely. Then, you can understand it, so many doubts. “What’s happening to me? It’s not possible!” The next day it happened again.
In short I started to make a selection of gay videos even if I continued to see even straight ones, I didn’t like the fuss, those stupid pampering tricks typically gay, I wanted a video that went immediately to the point, without preliminaries. Seeing as one of those guys penetrated the other I was thinking that while they did it, if I had even hinted to my wife of such a thing she would have taken me for maniac and I told myself that women don’t understand anything about sex. I also made fantasies about women, which I must emphasize, I have always liked and I still like, although perhaps less than men, for example with men I’m much more demanding and selective in terms of physical presence, for a woman in general I wouldn’t have problems the same way.
Anyway, from there I started to fantasize about the nice men of porn, then I took courage and I joined an erotic chat. I realized that while I was trying to make a more psychological exploration with the women, with the men I tended to immediately understand if they would accept to be penetrated by me, but I was only disinhibited in words and I was afraid to show myself on cam, so in the end I closed the account because it would have required a courage that I didn’t have. But it has remained a fixed rule: porn (straight or gay, as I liked better that day, but I would say, especially gay) and masturbation every day and in practice always thinking of having sex with a guy, but always with me in an active role.
With a guy I think it’s much easier than with a woman. I would not like to be a woman for another man, in fact I find the idea repellent, and even doing oral sex to a guy or masturbating him for me is unthinkable. I’m interested in the B-side of the guys and there are those who have it very hard and nice (excuse the language too outright). I talk about boys, but don’t equivocate, I don’t like boys, a man to have a sexual appeal for me must be at least 40 years old, however not less than 35, the boys of the age of my sons don’t interest me at all, they still seem immature to me. I also visited your site, and I have to be honest, there are things I can’t understand at all, like a love story between two guys or all that typically gay victimization attitude.
Project, I don’t know if I’m gay, but I don’t think so, because I don’t like the idea of being gay, I could be bisexual, I think this is much more realistic. On the street I find myself turning my head to look at both men and women, but now above all men, even if the idea of falling in love with a man I consider it completely incompatible with my nature. In fact, I’m not gay, but I think I’m a bit bisexual. With my wife now sex is a rare thing (once a month or even less), not to mention the dialogue, she now has another world of which I know nothing and I don’t want to know anything. I don’t hate my wife, she is completely indifferent to me, she’s the mother of my sons, but our boys are now grown up and if my marriage ended badly I don’t think they would suffer too much and so the idea of separation (or short divorce now!) comes back to my mind.
Of one thing only I feel satisfied and that is to have grown well my children who are the real satisfaction of my life. After all they didn’t really have a mother, at the beginning they had a nanny and then they had me and they loved me as I loved them. Now I have older children and I still masturbate and see gay porn and more! Well, I got bored and I want to try something different and get it seriously. What do you recommend, Project?
Answer by Project
The categories of gay and bisexual (categories of “sexual orientation”) today have a rather restrictive definition and other types of “behavior” rather than sexual “orientation”, have been introduced by common use and then have been effectively characterized through the systematic observation that has better defined their characteristics. In a situation like yours the category of ” hetero curious” would be used. A bisexual falls in love with men and women, has a masturbation dedicated to men or women with which he is from time to time in love, bisexuality, as homosexuality has a dominant affective aspect.
Hetero-curious people are usually not very young men, are married and often have children, are deeply frustrated by heterosexual sexuality and oriented not to fall in love with men (otherwise they would be bisexual) but only to have sex with men, in addition to sex with women or in substitution of sex with women, but the relationship they imagine with a man, in addition to excluding the affective dimension, has characteristics that are significantly away from gay sexuality. I try to explain myself. In gay sexuality, that is men who fall in love with men (it is not just sexual interest) sexuality is very far from how it is commonly represented, there are no sexual roles between two gays, even if it may sound strange.
Heterosexual sexuality is dominated by complementarity, roles are defined by nature and sexual intercourse is truly such (hypothetically suitable for generation) only when there is vaginal penetration, otherwise it is said to be incomplete. In homo-sexuality, which is the sexuality of identity, not of complementarity, roles are often felt as a category imported from the hetero world and not originally gay, and anal penetration, which should be the analog of vaginal penetration in the hetero field, is in fact a distinctly minority practice. Anal penetration is much more practiced in the hetero field than in the gay field.
The sexuality that is seen in so-called gay porn has very little of gay and the users of that pornography are often either women or, in the vast majority of cases, hetero-curious people, this is the reason why so-called gay porn always ends with anal penetration. When I speak of “gay”, I repeat, I don’t speak of men having sex with other men without falling in love, but only of those who fall in love with other men. The hetero-curious people, who have or would like to have sex with men, are many, so as to bring the production of so-called gay porn videos (which are actually produced in the vast majority just for the hetero-curious people) to quantitative levels comparable if not higher than those of hetero pornography. If you keep in mind that gays (who fall in love with men) are about 8% of the population, you understand well how many hetero-curious must be, users of so-called gay pornography.
Among other things, the explosion of so-called gay porn among the hetero-curious people is favored by the fact that, being married men and often with children and moreover not young, for them pornography and masturbation are the only way to find an outburst, so to say homosexual, to their frustrations in the hetero field, frustrations that are nevertheless very widespread. Today, in Italy, out of 100 marriages, 50 end up in divorce or separation and those who don’t end up so are certainly not white-mill type weddings. The percentage of hetero frustrated is very high and pornography leads them to escape to a hypothetical homosexuality, imaginatively constructed.
I’ve been working with gays for a long time, gays, as I said, are about 8% of the population, in Italy, considering together men and women of all ages, they are about 5 million. In a school with 1000 students there are about 80 gays and are really many, but the hetero-curious are many more. But they are not a percentage of the population that is always the same at all ages, because the curiosity for the other orientation usually emerges in mature age, which means that young hetero-curious are few, while hetero-curious mature people are many.
It’s already very difficult to find a companion, not a sexual partner, for true gays without exposing themselves to great risks (note that the vast majority of gays are not publicly out and cannot be identified and that for every gay publicly out there are about 20 that are not out, this means that true homosexuality is still practically invisible today) but it is certainly much more complicated for a hetero-curious, who however will hardly find a gay partner and most likely will find another hetero-curious (erotic chats and dating sites are full of them) but here is the point: sex with porn is objectively not risky, sex on cam involves a considerable risk of being registered and end up increasing the material of porn sites or even the risk of being identified, for example, if you are connected from professional studios with fixed IP, but it doesn’t in any case involve health risks, while sex made in person and with partners found among the users of erotic chats and dating sites, who may have had hundreds of partners, is at high risk and frankly running risks of this magnitude for “a blow and away”, well, it is just of perfect unconscious people.
Sometimes I talk to guys hiv+, well believe me, my heart is shaken, because “after” there is very little to do and life is no longer the same as before, while you could use the brain “before” avoiding to get into trouble and then, let’s understand each other, I still can understand a gay man who hopes or deludes himself to find the love of his life, but one who puts himself at risk just to try what effect it does. . . well, I just don’t understand him at all. If you have an intercourse with your wife once a month it’s obvious that you have to use daily masturbation, if you didn’t, you’d really have to worry about your mental balance.
There is in everything that you wrote an element that strikes me a lot and it is the fact that you boast that you have raised your children, in fact your marriage has an important sense because there are your children, and you know that this is a kind of affection that goes beyond everything else. They are grown, it’s true, but I don’t think that at that age they can be ready to understand what the real sexual life of their father is. They have to make their way and they should do it as smoothly as possible. In other terms, you have duties towards them that you cannot put apart in the name of any freedom.
You are a father, you have two children, I’m gay, I have no children, but I swear to you that I consider my not having children as a vacuum, as something I miss and I miss a lot. You have children, well they are the absolute value, beyond any sexual curiosity. I got to know many gays married and also with children through the Project activity, but they were really gay and not hetero-curious, well those who had children considered the fact of having children the fundamental thing of their lives, they were not looking for gays to have sex with and not even to rebuild their love life, but they were looking for gay friendships, true gay friendships, that is, the chance to talk, to confront gay people, to be themselves and not to be marginalized for their particularity. I think that a serious friendship would do well to everyone, and above all would help to have always our feet on the ground and to know what the gay world really is, the real one, which has nothing to do with porn.
A hug. Project
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-exchange-of-emails-with-a-hetero-curious