This post is dedicated to the paraphilias in the homosexual field. As it is well known, the “Dagnostical and Statistical Manual of the Mental Disorders – Fifth Edition” (DSM-5) contains some useful definitions for circumscribing the field, first of all the distinction between paraphilia and paraphilic disorder, and then establishes the criteria for defining a diagnosis for some types of paraphilia. As it is obvious, DSM-5 is a fundamental indication of principle, aimed primarily at psychiatrists and takes into consideration many different situations that psychiatrists can encounter in the daily practice of the profession. The manual also has an indicative value for the knowledge of paraphilic phenomena that do not necessarily lead to paraphilic disorders but which are decidedly more common and are also found outside the areas of intervention typical of psychiatry. As there is a psychopathology of daily life so there is a widespread paraphilia of daily life that in some cases can move towards the borderline with true paraphilic disorders.

Obviously I will try to address the issue based on the experiences gained in Gay Project.

Some fundamental methodological observations must be kept in mind.

1) To get to talk about one’s own paraphilias, it is necessary to have the greatest guarantees of confidentiality, not just because it’s about matters related to sexuality but because certain behaviors can be criminally relevant, as it happens with pedophilia. It happened to me several times to talk with people who had pedophile fantasies, but not exclusive and, what is more important, never put into practice. Fantasies are an individual question, while behaviors are criminally relevant, so it is not surprising that only fantasies emerge.

2) Some paraphilias may involve forms of sexual contact with non-consenting persons (frotteurism) or forms of violence (sadism) or deception (voyeurism) and therefore are difficult to admit because they may involve moral discredit, if they remain at the level of fantasies, or even sanctions if you they produce concrete behaviors.

3) Some paraphilias (coprophilia, pissing, spermatophagia) can be very difficult to admit because they can generate repulsion.

4) It should be emphasized that, precisely for the above, only non-episodic paraphilias emerge in the interviews and often characterized by concomitant serious anxious states more or less connected with the paraphilia itself, so they are true paraphilic disorders.

5) Often more paraphilias manifest themselves together and a very complex picture is outlined closely related to the individual’s personal history.

6) From the talks emerge some constant correlations that seem to indicate causal links more than probable, as for example the fact that “all, without exception,” the people I met who had pedophile fantasies reported having suffered sexual abuse in childhood.

So, I think it is essential to emphasize an aspect of the paraphilias: the person who has paraphilic disorders often experiences the difficulty of relating “sexually” with another person because the presence of the paraphlia and the tendency to put it into practice in a sometimes obsessive manner arouse perplexities in the partner who sooner or later inevitably goes away because he has the impression that sexuality is literally dominated by the paraphilia or even reduced to it.

The feeling of rejection and abandonment almost always accompanies the life of the person who manifests paraphilias. The tendency to project his paraphilias to other subjects is often observed in the subject carrying paraphilias, assuming that others can react to those stimuli with a similar sexual excitement, but this is not realized at all and this is one of the reasons that make particularly difficult a sexual relationship with a person who has paraphilic disorders.

I would like to add to the paraphilias listed in the DSM-5 another paraphilia related to the unconscious involvement of another person in sexual intercourse: it is about having sex while talking about something else on the phone with another person with whom you had sexual relations. In this behavior the central element is the “betrayal” of the trust of the person with whom you talk about something else. It should be emphasized that when the transgressive behavior loses its transgression meaning because somehow it is accepted and justified by the partner and especially by the third person, it quickly loses its sexual meaning.

I have often observed boys with paraphilias who tended not to blame themselves or to try to change things but consider themselves elements socially excluded and almost condemned to live a life without affections, now definitively prey to a sexuality that cannot be shared with others. Often the reaction to the feeling of marginalization does not lead to depression but to forms of rationalization and critical examination of one’s sexuality. In practice, the person acts on two distinct levels, a rational one, in which solitude is accepted as something to live with and a sexual one, characterized by the loss of rational control and total abandonment to emotionality and inevitably to the paraphilia.

The real problem lies in building an affective relationship “compatible with sexuality”, because the person with paraphilic disorder generally has no problems in building a friendly relationship, if that relationship is born and keeps completely devoid of sexual values, the problems arise instead in relationships in which sexuality is explicitly involved. I have been able to observe several times as in such cases, in order to preserve at least the friendship, the person with paraphilic disorders has deliberately and rationally tried to avoid any chance of sexual involvement.

Who is involved in a relationship with a paraphilic guy, at the beginning, may not even realize it or can only perceive a polarization of his partner on the strictly sexual aspects of the relationship, then, with time, and with the development of the relationship, the paraphilic will come to talk about his problem with his partner for whom a period of doubts about the behavior to be held will start, with continuous oscillations between a minimization of the problem and a greater awareness.

As I have already said, some paraphilias do not undermine affective relationships, but they heavily condition their possible sexual developments. The paraphilic needs love, is generally a pleasant person and tends to keep the paraphilia only at the level of fantasies or talking with a reliable partner and often gives a value of transgression to behaviors that have very little transgressive and tends to emphasize some of his transgressive behaviors as if they were habitual even if they occurred only once. Boys who have paraphilias need first of all respect and feel hurt by preconceived reactions and discriminatory behavior. Their need to integrate makes them generally pleasing to their friends and also to their sexual partners with whom they usually have a very honest interview and do not tolerate hypocritical behavior. I have often been able to notice how many paraphilias are connected to childhood experiences and tend reproduce situations of childhood experience, a childhood experience that remains very present in children’s memories and which they consider to be the basis of paraphilias.

The re-elaboration of childhood experience and its rationalization are indispensable conditions for getting out of the dependence on the paraphilias. Generally I am rather reluctant to the idea of an easy recourse to the intervention of a psychologist, but in front of the paraphilias the presence of a psychologist cannot be replaced by that of a friend or worse of the partner, because a friend or the partner can to be involved very deeply on an affective level and not only, and they are certainly not the most suitable people to help their friend in the recovery of rationality and above all in the elaboration of childhood experience.

The difficulty of the paraphilic to create a shared emotional-sexual relationship is due to the obsessive mechanism of the paraphilia, not to the paraphilia itself. If the paraphilia does not present itself obsessively, it would be only a temporary variant of sexual behavior that probably would not generate problems within the couple, but the paraphilias always present with an obsessive mechanism, are a kind of fixed idea that the person must realize on the basis of a real addiction relationship, there can be periods of abstinence more or less long, relatively free from the paraphilia, which then however ends up reappearing and makes the rational mechanism of abstinence collapse.

Often periods of abstinence are interrupted when the attempt to build a sexual relationship detached from the paraphilia meets unexpected difficulties, that is when the person experiences for the umpteenth time the mechanism of rejection. The return to the paraphilia through a sexual contact with a partner who accepts it, even if only episodically, provokes a feeling of security and control over that partner and is therefore at least relatively reassuring. But these are experiences that do not involve a real sharing of sexuality and that also leave a strong feeling of precariousness and non-genuine correspondence at the level of the couple.

I have seen people subject to paraphilias who more than once, after a series of failures in the creation of emotional-sexual relationships, have ended up putting aside the idea of having a partner with whom to build a relationship and have operated a kind of splitting between affectivity and sexuality, reserving the affectivity to friends with whom they maintain a stable relationship without sexual implications and experiencing sexuality, with some occasional partners, usually always the same, with which however any implication of affection is excluded a priori.

When I speak of occasional partners I do not intend to refer to unknown people found on the internet through dating sites or with particular applications, but almost always to ex-boyfriends, and this because while ex-boyfriends are more or less aware of the existence of the paraphilia and somehow accept it, strangers completely unaware would almost certainly be negatively affected and would not comply, thus accentuating the sensation of impossibility and rejection.

Guys affected by paraphilias are not the only victims of paraphilia, because even the guys who try to build emotional-sexual relations with them live complex and contradictory experiences and they often go into crisis because seeing that things do not go, they try to understand who is responsible for it, and in this way or they blame the person affected by paraphilias who seems strange to them, complicated and in some way pathological, or they blame themselves, because they were not able to bear everything in the presumption that loving a person means accepting that person by sharing everything, and even the pathologies.

The most wrong attitude towards a person with paraphilias consists in considering the paraphilias a kind of game made to experiment. This attitude manifests a radical misunderstanding of the seriousness of the problem and causes those who experience it to live a profound suffering, while they deserve the utmost respect. I add an obvious observation, but particularly important in these cases: people who come to talk about their own paraphilias have the right to maximum confidentiality and any violation of this confidentiality is a real wound to those who, seriously speaking about problems that are not at all easy to talk, are actually asking for help.


If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-homosexuality-and-paraphilias



To face the topic starting from a concrete basis and to invite all of you to say your opinion in order to enrich and complete the picture, I report here, with the permission of those involved, some traits of e-mails and some sections of a conversation in chat on the subject. Obviously the names are fictitious. Immediately after, you can read the text of the article GAY SEXUALITY AND HETERO AFFECTIVITY. I think it can somehow be the basis for a discussion, with all the reservations of the case.

Mail by Albert

[omissis] I grew up in a strange family, my parents think that homosexuality is a psychiatric illness that feminizes you, basically they don’t have the faintest idea of these things, a gay man, so to speak, normal in external behaviors, according to them , cannot even exist, that’s why they not only have never thought about the fact that I can be gay but they consider it radically impossible, because I don’t have anything of effeminate.

The absurd thing of my family is instead the fixed idea, of my mother in particular, that guys have always and only sexual fixed ideas on the girls, it could also be true, but for my mother the fact that her son can have sex with a girl before marriage is really inconceivable, is monstrous.

They think I have a girlfriend. When I talk about a colleague of the university, my mother surely assumes that I have for that girl some kind of sexual interest. Even now she tells me that I have to be careful and that “I don’t have to do stupid things! (sex)” But for her to do stupid things basically means just getting pregnant a girl.

Now she still behaves like that and thinks that I didn’t bring home a girl so as not to give my mother the opportunity to intervene to give me advice on an aspect of my life that she considers so important, always taking for granted that I can only be heterosexual. But when I was younger, 14/15/16 years old, my mother was heavily involved in my female friendships, she invited my female friends to my house and subjected them to a kind of scrutiny, it was something I could not stand. As for the guys, on the other hand, my parents never got involved in anything, they only warned me, but rarely, about those who talked too much about girls, because, according to my parents, they could take me on a bad road. In practice between the ages of 14 and 16 everything about the girls had to go to the scrutiny of my mother while male friends didn’t get involved.

At 14 I had a crush on a girl my schoolmate, that is, I better say I was very good with her but I didn’t feel sexually attracted even because I discovered the masturbation a year later, at 15, a bit late, I know. Anyway at the time of my first crush with a girl I can say that I felt it above all as a beautiful thing, I liked being with that girl even if I didn’t know how to give it an explanation. Then my mother understood what, according to her, was happening and she interfered heavily: “Who is she? Do you know her parents? Why you don’t invite her here at home?” etc. etc., in practice they made me hate her. She was a very pretty girl, but when she realized that I wanted or had to bring her to my house to let my parents know her, she absolutely didn’t want to hear reasons and she looked at me as if my way of doing was strange. Then such a thing it bothered me a lot because I thought I had done everything as it had to be done, that is, as my mother told me. Then I realized that I was perhaps succubus of my mother and that my so to say girlfriend had realized it.

Let’s say that after that I didn’t have any more fantasies about girls and my discovery of homosexuality took place. It happened in the summer when I turned 15, at the seaside. I was camping with my parents and with my sister. We stopped for almost a month in a camping and after a few days I could get to know other guys. I had met another guy who was 16 years old and my parents left me very free because I was with him and they trusted him. Actually he was a very good guy who seemed older than his age. I spent all day with him, from morning to late evening, I was fine, I felt comfortable, it made me feel older but he never talked about girls. He was modest to the incredible, a bit my opposite, I had no problem then to show me naked, perhaps because in the nudity I saw nothing sexual. For him I think it was exactly the opposite. I think it was just this that triggered the spring that made me enter the gay world. We took a bath and then we changed into a thicket near the beach. There I started to tease him because he never took off his swimsuit, he pretended not to hear and then I threw myself on him and ripped his swimsuit away by force, then he reacted and ripped away mine, then we did compare our equipment and he got an erection, I remember everything like it was now, he was red like a pepper, then began to masturbate and I imitated him, in practice I discovered masturbation like that. Then for a few days the thing went on great, so we masturbated each other, but then something happened that I didn’t like at all, he wanted to kiss me and I remember very well that I replied: “I’m not a fagot!” He pretended not to have heard and didn’t insist but our relationship changed radically, we continued to have sex but he was not at ease. After three days in this way we quarreled furiously and we also got into a fight. I realized that he was gay, even if he hadn’t told me it and I disliked very much being pampered by him, it almost made me sick, at least I told him so, even though I continued to masturbate in practice until now on the memory of what I had lived with him that summer. The point is this, I have never fallen in love with a guy. When I see a guy I like him, I would never be able to kiss him or be pampered by him. I read in the forum that many guys like these things even more than sex, but for me it is not so, I don’t see myself spending my life next to a guy, it seems to me an unnatural thing absolutely not mine.

In very recent times there was something important, I met a girl and for the first time I think I feel for her feelings, I like to stay close to her, to flood her of text messages and call her on the phone three or four times a day (I cannot more because we are hours on the phone), for me it’s just a pleasant company but there is a fact, for her I feel tenderness and a lot, but not really a sexual desire like what I feel for guys. Even if, after what happened at the camping beach, I no longer have had physical relationships with guys, I would like to explore the sexuality of a guy, it’s a kind of fixed idea, but for a girl I don’t feel the same things, I don’t know at all the sexuality of girls and I would feel a tremendous embarrassment if I had to have a sexual intercourse with a girl. I tried to masturbate thinking about that girl but it was just a forced thing, I came also to the ejaculation but just mechanically, in practice I didn’t feel any sexual transport. What I think is that I stopped in the middle of the ford, I don’t feel gay because I don’t fall in love with guys and I don’t feel heterosexual because girls sexually don’t tell me anything. I think that I could also stay with a girl but passively, that is, I would accept it but I would let her do everything, admitted and not granted that there can be results then. I feel strange, Project, in a great uncertainty, very unstable. In practice I don’t know what direction I have/want to give my life.

Chat with Nicola

Nicola writes: ok, now I go to the point, in short, I think I’m straight, you could ask me then why I’m here, if you give me some time I’ll explain, but I would like to start from the fact that I think I’m straight. “I think” it means that in practice I am convinced or almost convinced of it. So, I’ve always had girlfriends since I was little, at 16 I had my first real sexual intercourse with a girl, my first girlfriend.

I have had three girlfriends and with all of them I have had sexual intercourses and from that point of view things have always been all right, even auto-eroticism was all about girls. Now it’s almost a year since I’ve had my last girlfriend. Until recently, having sex with a girl was something missing, but now things are changing. I practice sports, I see a lot of naked guys every day but gay fantasies never went through my mind, this up to a month ago, then a strange thing happened, in the gym came a new guy who is 23 years old , I’m 24, and I began to fantasize about this guy, just on a sexual level, something that had never happened to me before. In the evening I lie down on the bed and I think of him, that is, I think of him and me in a sexual situation and it excites me a lot. In practice I don’t masturbate any more thinking about girls, or very little, while I’m fine even just staying in erection when I think of him without even needing to get to orgasm, it happens sometimes but it’s just thinking sexually of him that makes me feel good, I think that we are in the gym alone and we undress each other and then we masturbate each other, rarely I fantasize of oral sex. I tell you, Project, I never imagined I could think of a guy in these terms.

Project writes: but did you spoke with this guy?

Nicola writes: spoken in the serious sense of the term no, because I’m afraid, in fact I have almost the certainty that he is straight, it seems so strange that it’s me to write something like that, I think that in practice my interest in him is only sexual, I don’t know, but I have this impression.

Project writes: if this guy corresponded to you, that is if he was interested in talking to you, how would you react?

Nicola writes: I would be very happy but I think it’s an impossible thing and then look, I think of him just in terms of sex, this is true, even if hetero fantasies are not 100% finished, but I also think that I would like to embrace him, maybe fall asleep next to him, but to create something emotional two persons are needed and I’m alone and that’s why I settle for a bit of sex. If I imagine a couple relationship with him, I think of it more or less like what happens with a girl, sex, all right, it’s another thing, but I think the affection would be more or less the same, but I don’t know because I’ve never tried and then I think that if I happen to meet a girl who falls in love with me at the end I would always be straight, maybe straight with some gay fantasy but essentially straight. And then with a guy how would I do? My parents would kill me, they always saw me 100% straight and in fact I still think it’s more or less like that. For them the word gay is like saying depraved. Frankly I have never felt homophobic like my parents, I had never felt gay until a month ago and I don’t even feel now, even if I feel something strange but I’m not afraid of these things, if I find out I’m gay it’s okay, what I don’t like is uncertainty and still I don’t think I’m really gay.

Mail of Federico

I read everything you wrote about the weight of affectivity in the relationship between two guys, frankly it is very nice even if I don’t know how realistic it can be. That is, let’s understand, I speak from my point of view, that is from the point of view of a married 33-year-old man who is going into crisis because he has sexual fixed ideas for a 25-year-old known at work. I underline that I’m and I feel heterosexual, I love my wife and I also desire her sexually, but now it’s more than a year that there is this new fact and it’s something that destabilizes me a lot. I masturbate thinking of a guy. It’s crazy that a married man does these things and yet it happens. At first I felt guilty towards my wife, but now it doesn’t happen to me anymore, I live two parallel lives or better a life and a half, because my being gay is only halfway, there’s the sexual part, the rest doesn’t exist al all. I never considered my 25 year old like a guy I could fall in love with, it’s just that female sexuality is not enough anymore for me, I like it very much but in my horizon there is not only that, in fact I see my 25 year old a bit like a porn actor (he is a very serious guy! Indeed even too serious) that excites me.

Is all this pathological? At first I thought about it but now slowly I got to the point that if I masturbate thinking of him I don’t do anything wrong, he doesn’t know it and will never know it and also my wife will never know it. So where is the problem? What am I doing wrong? Anything! On the other hand, I would never abandon my wife, it doesn’t even pass through the antechamber of my brain that I could put myself with a man. I don’t know how such a thing can evolve over time, maybe in one year I will have abandoned my wife and I will have escaped with him, but it doesn’t seem to me even thinkable! And then, one like me what is he? Is he gay? But from what you say it doesn’t seem realistic. Is he bisex? Frankly I don’t believe it and I don’t feel like it. I think someone like me is straight even if he has some small interest in gay sex, and I only say sex, perhaps I had better to say only at the level of masturbation because I would never go with a man apart from the risk of aids, it’s not really something that seems possible to me. What do you think about Project?


It happens to me quite frequently, in interviews with the guys, to find myself faced with real forms of splitting between affectivity and sexuality. It is not uncommon for guys who experience sexual drives that are strongly or even exclusively oriented in a gay sense, to feel an affective attraction towards girls, for whom, however, they live forms of attenuated or strongly sublimated sexual interest. This phenomenon is found many times also in forum posts and is confirmed by the statistics on sexual orientation of Project Gay. 23.72% of the guys who took the test on sexual orientation of Project Gay (a sample of several hundred guys, but not representative of the general population and with high concentration of gays) claim to have a masturbation oriented exclusively in the gay sense, while only 15.22% claim to fall in love only with guys, but what amazes even more is that compared to a 11.68% of guys who claim to have a masturbation oriented exclusively in straight sense, 27, 26% claim to fall in love only with girls. From the statistics of sexual orientation by age we can deduce that in the same sample the percentage of gay masturbation varies little with age while the percentage of hetero masturbation tends to increase and, at the same time, bisexual masturbation decreases (with sometimes hetero and sometimes gay fantasies).

Sexuality becomes polarized with the years and tends to follow not the masturbatory gay tendency but the affective hetero one. I mean that a percentage of younger guys tend to experience hetero affectivity despite gay masturbation, for them the homosexual dimension has only strictly sexual contents while the affective ones are reserved entirely or almost entirely to girls. The sexuality of these guys tends to evolve over time, the heterosexual affective tendency slowly becomes sexualized and the tendency towards heterosexual masturbation increases. While hetero affectivity is also enriched with explicit sexual content, the gay orientation on the strictly sexual level tends to be recessive. This is the underlying reason for which, to consider gay a guy masturbation is indicative but doesn’t solve the problem definitively and it’s necessary to say that a guy is gay if he has both a gay masturbatory sexuality, and also a gay affectivity, that is, he falls in love with guys.

As if to talk of gay sexual orientation it’s necessary to find together an exclusive tendency to masturbation with gay fantasies and also an affective tendency equally exclusive to fall in love with guys, so to talk about real bisexuality it is necessary that a guy has a masturbation that contemplates both heterosexual fantasies and gay fantasies, even in different proportions, and that he falls in love with both boys and girls. I mean that in a defined sexual orientation, that is stable, gay or heterosexual or bisexual in different degrees, strictly sexual drives are always associated with the tendency to fall in love with the same persons for whom sexual drives are felt.

Bisexuality is not a phenomenon analogous to the dissociation between affectivity and sexuality. Basically, a hetero guy falls in love emotionally and sexually only with girls, a gay guy falls in love emotionally and sexually only with guys, a bisexual guy falls in love emotionally and sexually with both boys and girls. In these situations affectivity and sexuality interact in an organic way and tend to direct a guy in a global way, both affective and sexual, to other people.

The dissociation between affectivity and sexuality is not a form of bisexuality but is a completely different reality. I would like to underline that it’s not a matter of pathological phenomena but of normal realities that touch significant percentages of the population. As it also happens for homosexuality and for bisexuality, the dissociation between effectivity and sexuality can lead to states of suffering, sometimes very heavy, if the social environment is constrictive and adopts rigid sexuality models, but suffering doesn’t come from the split between affectivity and sexuality but precisely from the sexually repressive climate.

Statistically, the dissociation between affectivity and sexuality is a relevant phenomenon, as it’s evident from the Gay Project statistics. The discrepancy between orientation of masturbation and affective orientation is noticeable but tends to decrease with the passing of the years and several guys who despite falling in love with girls had a gay masturbation, tend slowly to orientate even sexually in the straight direction. Approximately 5% of guys between the ages of 14 and 18 who took part in the Gay Project survey on sexual orientation tend to orient themselves definitively in straight direction as time passes. I must underline that the guys generally consider the split between affectivity and sexuality as a form of bisexuality and tend to consider themselves bisexual or even gay, above all due to the gay masturbation. Interpreting these phenomena is not easy because they are things that start with guys who consider themselves essentially gay and then slowly, not realizing their emotional world in a gay dimension, experience affective attraction to girls and slowly also discover a straight sexuality that is rewarding for them.

In the interviews with the guys, elements have emerged that lead me to try to give an interpretation of the facts that could at least in a good percentage of cases be realistic, clearly all of it should be taken with benefit of inventory.

In several situations of dissociation between affectivity and sexuality, in the background can be found the presence of a very rigid family in the sexual field and of children who have felt hyper-controlled during adolescence. Their female friendships were evaluated and judged by the family that tended to exercise control over the sexuality of the children, automatically presupposed exclusively hetero.

Sermons on the way to behave with girls, attempts to know how the child behaves with girls, tendential intrusiveness in the relationships of the child with the opposite sex, and on the other hand no interest in the male friendships of the child since early adolescence. If you go out with male friends, all right, if you go out with a girl you have to tell your parents who she is, where you go, when you come back, etc. etc.. The lack of freedom in the sexual field sometimes leads hetero guys to try to realize their freedom from the family in the environment of male friendships. While for a guy who can have a heterosexual emotional and sexual life basically free from family control, friendships are only a part of actual life, and not the one that polarizes sexuality, for guys who have no freedom in their emotional and sexual hetero behaviors, the friendships with other guys constitute an extremely gratifying environment because it is completely foreign to the family.

It often happens that, even in groups of substantially heterosexual guys, forms of special and very close affection are created that are not necessarily sexualized, the so-called special friendships (the best friend). For a guy who has no other sexual release valves, particular friendships easily take a sexual coloring. Pretty common episodes in the environment of heterosexual teenagers, such as masturbating together watching a straight porn, become, for a guy who feels forced by the family in his sexuality, a way to have his own private in which the family cannot enter, a sexuality which is finally subtracted from family control.

Sexual fantasies about friends and masturbation in a homosexual key end up dominating the scene and for a long time the guy can consider himself really gay, but since this sexual tendency cannot be declared nor shared and it is only experienced at the level of masturbation, the guy clearly perceives the difference between his way of living the para-sexual experiences with his friends, such as the nakedness in the showers of the gym, and the way of living those same experiences on the part of his friends, and this tends to confirm him in the idea of being gay.

However, the sexual morality of the family makes it practically impossible for the guy to accept the idea of an emotional couple relationship with another guy that would involve bringing homosexuality from the level of masturbation to the level of sharing and conscious and courageous choice. Sometimes guys also come to real sexual experiments with other guys but in situations that are not in any way accessible to the family and only with contacts for sexual purposes. From this phase that is from the greater awareness that non-affective homosexuality is not really gratifying, derives a sense of deep dissatisfaction or devaluation of sexuality, which is finally considered just as a technique. These are the most acute phases of the dissociation between affectivity and sexuality. In these situations the guys become again (now they are fully adults, 22, 23, but also 25 years old or more) particularly sensitive to a hetero affective contact. It’s obvious that after having become accustomed through years of gay masturbation to having homosexual fantasies, the approach with hetero sexuality is experienced as problematic, but that approach has a deep and satisfying affective dimension that the guy had not known in the gay environment. Thus begins a path of reunification of sexuality and affection that can last even two or three years, during which slowly but gradually the gay fantasies give way and heterosexual sexuality, combined with the effectivity gains ground.

We must immediately say that the process is delicate and, for example, a traumatic experience in a hetero environment can interrupt it, as a true and profound gay falling in love could also interrupt it. These are important transitional phases of the definition of sexuality in which, even if statistically evolution takes place prevalently towards heterosexuality, it is not at all said that the opposite does not happen. One idea must be kept in mind: sexuality must never be forced. The dissociation between affectivity and sexuality represents an evolutionary phase which, I repeat, has nothing pathological and must be experienced for what it is by following one’s own affectivity and spontaneous sexuality, avoiding to create too many problems and on the contrary setting aside any abstract and preconceived vision of oneself in both a straight or a gay key. Anxiety is the worst enemy of sexuality, so those who find themselves in such situations do not consider them as a problem to be solved. Sexual orientation issues are problems only to the extent that they are considered as such.


If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-splitting-between-gay-sexuality-and-hetero-affectivity


Yes, you can record it, all right, but before starting with the story let me explain a little what it is, otherwise it may seem strange and I can make a fool of myself and I don’t like it.

If I had to define it I would call it the story of my awakening … now don’t tell me that I am doing it long but I have to start from the beginning, otherwise they don’t understand anything.

I am 30 years old and there is something that has always conditioned me very heavily and made me lose, in my opinion, the most beautiful emotions that a guy can experience … I know that you have not yet understood a damn thing, but I’m approaching.

In short, my sex education was 100% on porn movies, on porn sites (even for a fee and I threw there a lot of money!) Let’s say that I have done these things since I was 15/16 years old. One moment! It is not the thing in itself that I don’t like, after all so many people do it … but for me, in a sense … the reality was exactly that. I mean I had never seen a true gay guy, but not only at 15/16 but not even at 20, I didn’t even enter the chat rooms, the temptation was very strong but I never went there.

In the last years I had filled whole hard discs of porn movies, I had learned them by heart. You can say: But why do you come to tell us such things? … they’re your problems … One moment! … If you have gay friends you cannot understand my story, because you can have a direct feedback, that is you know what is a gay guy … but I didn’t know it and slowly, from all that seeing gay movies I made up my mind that a gay guy was more or less a porn actor and masturbating everyday thinking of it I convinced myself that gay life was that and when I was thinking of a guy, that is, I was doing my erotic fantasies, I imagined it just like in a movie … That’s what I meant … those models had become models of my erotic fantasy … Take me for crazy or for the idiot of the village but for me it was just like that and I actually met the first gay guy in the flesh at 23 … well I knew he was gay and he didn’t know about me and I had the idea to try it as in a scene I had seen in a porn movie.

I’m a pretty good guy, everyone says it to me, that is, girls run after me even now, so you can imagine … well. It was summer, he was part of my group, we were in a bathing suit and the two of us in a place a bit secluded, he was sunbathing with his eyes closed … in short, I was badly tempted to try just like in the porn and I thought that things would go just like in the movie … then I didn’t have the courage and just approached slowly and I tried to kiss him … He turned against me with a string of bad words that you can’t even imagine, so I told him: “I know you’re gay and I’m gay too.” He replied with a very loud “Go fuck yourself!” I didn’t get scared and tried to put him on the wall by force, a bit as in the film, but he gave me a kick in the balls that if I think back of it, I could also have lost them. I went away and told him … “But you’re not gay … gays don’t do that!” … and I had to run away, but there were somethings I could not understand. A gay like that is better to lose him than to find. Then, over time, I acted less like a fool … but not so much, I actually kept thinking that maybe the first approach had to be a bit on the vague, but I thought that once the guy had agreed to come to bed with me, which by the way I took for granted while it was not at all like that, at least in bed it would have been all like in porn movies.

With two guys the approach succeeded. The first, in my opinion, would have well agreed it … in short, he comes to my house, I had prepared everything, from the dinner in the room to the bedroom, he eats a little, doesn’t want to drink, sits in an armchair to watch television, I take him by one arm and say: “Come on … go …” he looks at me and says, “Where?” I tell him: “Come on, come to bed …” He looks at me with a surprised face and says: “What?” I showed him the muscles but he looked at me laughing and saying: “What the hell do you want?” I ask the critical question: “Active or Passive?” He looks at me and says, “Have you ever been with a guy?” I say to him: “No!” and he says to me: “I see!” I did nothing of what I wanted to do but he told me a few things about his experiences … and he was a guy who had a lot of experience. It seemed strange to me, then I told him “Boh! … Now I have the ideas much more confused than before.”

With the other guy we started at least a little sex because I had learned something of the lesson, but he looked at me in amazement. I said. “Oh well, let’s go to the concrete! …” and I told him what I wanted to do and he immediately told me: “No!” I say to him: “Why? You are gay and you say no? … My beautiful! But we are already in bed together and if I want I break you (and he was also a thin slender)”. In short, I threatened him to make him do what I wanted. He got up, got dressed and left me like that, like a total imbecile! …

Laughing and joking, I went on a little more with such stories and then I thought I would try paid sex. There were no stories there but they raised the price and I didn’t like it at all, they were not even looking at me … And so I came to 27 years … then I met Max, he was four years younger than me … I tried with him the usual technique but he told me: “Come on! Try not to arouse compassion! So you’re ridiculous! I see that you’re alone … ” So my detox began … now he’s helping me to grow, he pampers me a bit and I’m good, and it’s a beautiful thing, beautiful, mutual tenderness, mutual listening … are very beautiful things now I understand it but to detoxify I took more than ten years. If you want to know how the other gay guys really are, don’t watch porn movies, those things have nothing to do with it and I only understood it at the age of 30! That’s all … Come on, if you want you can turn it off.


If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-guys-and-sexual-maleducation



Hello Project,

I saw that in your forum there are several posts dedicated to ex boyfriends and it is not very rare that even after the end of the couple relationship guys keep important contacts with their ex, and that is what happened to me too. I am a forty years old man who has been with only one guy in his life, this guy is 11 years younger than me. I loved my boyfriend and I also felt his love for me, I think it was a fundamental experience for both of us.

I was very inhibited and basically unable to understand the value of sexuality lived in couple, he was much more sexually uninhibited than me but tended to give little value to affectivity, which for me has always been fundamental. Our different visions of couple relationships initially created some problems, but then, over the years, our positions have come closer.

In theory, everything suggested that our relationship could continue indefinitely, but that didn’t happen. After all, my complexes were still there for the most part and he continued to have resistances to understand that for me to love him was not just a matter of sex. After all, even for him it was not a matter of sex. Sometimes I could not understand how much he needed sexual contact and I started talking about very theoretical and even stupid things, instead of really being in tune with him, he felt not understood, neglected, I saw him change mood and I didn’t understand why.

When he needed sex, in spite of his sexual ease, he didn’t always say it explicitly, partly because he knew that I was often a bit loath to follow him on that ground, even if it seems paradoxical. For a while things went on like that, then he told me clearly that he loved me but he needed something else. At the time I was upset, then it occurred to me that he is so much younger than me and that perhaps the underlying reason is just that. I told him that I understood him very well and that I would not have been upset and so I encouraged him to find another guy.

When he found that guy, I really went into a crisis, I felt alone, in a sense I knew I had done the right thing, but I missed him very much. He had his boyfriend and he was also fine with him, at least so it seemed, but he didn’t abandon me at all. When we spoke, I felt him more serene, less neurotic, and this made me feel good. I never called him to let him fell free, but we kept in contact anyway, we spoke quite often on skype. Our conversations were no longer those of two lovers, by now we had overcome that dimension, but were conversations between two people who esteem each other and who don’t want to lose contact and frankly it didn’t seem to me that our relationship had less value than before, even if perhaps for him it was not exactly like that.

I met his boyfriend, who knew that he had been with me before, and I was very impressed, he was a very serious guy and he loved him. The story with this new guy has been going on for four years, then it happened with him something similar to what had happened with me, they were not together anymore but they continued to stay in touch and I think also to love each other.

One day he comes to me, tells me that he wants to have sex with me but he immediately adds that he has just been with his other ex. I am very puzzled, I tell him that there may be risks for diseases, he says to me: “We can only go to bed together and you hug me … ok?” And we did so. He told me that his other ex knew that he would come to me and had no problems. We talked a lot. It was one of the nicest nights I spent with him. Is my story a couple story? Technically not, perhaps it is an anomalous thing, but it is still a way to love each other. I say this with full awareness because I see that none of us, today feels uncomfortable for our story. We all know how things are and we accept the situation without problems.

Certainly it is not the story of Cinderella and the charming prince and, seen from the outside, it may seem strange. He loves me but also his second ex, we have been used to thinking that emotional relationships and even more sexual ones must be exclusive, that fidelity is a virtue and that betrayal is a serious fault, but here there is no betrayal, we all know how things are. I certainly cannot say that I love my boyfriend less because he loves also another guy, who then is someone who really loves him. Why should he give up or me or him?

Frankly I would feel uncomfortable if my ex really forgot about me, but if he also needs another emotional-sexual relationship, well, I don’t see why he has to do without it. He’s not fooling me, it’s all in the light of the sun and they are very serious things that can have a major impact on his life. Are we really white flies, Project? Have you ever seen similar situations? I would like to know your opinion and also be able to compare my experiences with those of people who have experienced similar situations.



If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-love-not-exclusive



At the end of December 2007, I published on the blogs of Gay Project three separate posts containing an interview, divided into three parts, recorded by me in September 2007. The original interview is in Italian or better, in a very lively colloquial language, spontaneous and colorful, typical of young Italians of the time. It is a very interesting love story. It was certainly not easy to translate the story into English trying to save the broken prose and the typical tones of the way of speaking of young people. I think it is worthwhile to read the story, even if it is not very short.


Frederick, I call him Chicco, damn how he gave me a pretty hard time … but I love him to death … As for me, well … anyway, I was a little too rush before, I can say precipitous, that is I didn’t even know what the embarrassment was, I had had more or less serious stories with four or five guys in three years, maybe too many stories … let’s say I was rather uninhibited … yes … that is, I have always liked guys very much, they’re so sweet, I don’t know, being close to them gives me a lot of … well … it’s not just a philosophical thing … In short, a nice guy is beautiful and he also gives you a real sensation, that is, you really want him, And let me be blunt about this, I’m not ashamed, I like a guy because he stimulates me sexually … otherwise …  he can also have the brain of Einstein but he tells me nothing … I’m not one of those who are fascinated at the mental level, for me the physical reaction must take place … you certainly understand … well … the trouble is that this thing happens to me very often, that is, I don’t say just with all the guys I know … but it happens a lot … and then … Oh well, what is it? Oh … it’s like that … when it happens to me, it’s not like I’m having too much problems … I just try … I’m a little afraid of being detected by other people but it never happened and then I have the gay radar and up until now I have hit the mark … I’ve done so, let’s say from 16/17 years until 22, the first real sexual contact … always something relative, but sex in explicit terms with another guy I had it at age 19 … he was not bad but he was not even all this overwhelming beauty … and then one usually gets depressed or must calm a bit … but can you see me depressed or calm? … I said: “This guy is so … but I can find a guy even better!” … and then, one after another … well! What are you laughing for? … Don’t be stupid … oh … it happens … well two years ago I met Frederick at the university … he was 21 years old, and was in my course, a year after me. I have always passed the exams … but I never got the star of the first of the class, that is, I go to class … but if by chance I find a cute guy I go around with him and in class I’m not going at all … oh! I don’t get overwhelmed by scruples … I can lose an hour of lessons and even two, but I don’t want to lose a cute guy … Oh well … I see him, but he does not make me all this effect, cute he is cute, but there is even better, at least, so, physically, I say … I then I was dry with the guys … and I said to myself: “I try!” … I approach him, I greet him … I don’t know what to think, my radar is disoriented … I said … “I hope I’m not going to start a story with a straight guy!” … I needed some more element. Chicco talked only about exams, not about girls … you know … it’s already a lot … but you can always take the beating … then I said: Forget him! … he didn’t go along … in short if a guy likes it, even just to chat, you understand it … but he was formal and made me get some nerves! He spoke like a printed book and I said: “Go fuck yourself! … you and your haughtiness! I’ll find another better than you!”… So I said … but, you know, one thing is to say and one thing is what happens to you inside … I went to class and I kept thinking about Chicco, I then didn’t even his name … then I had two hours of break, usually I go to the library because it is the ideal place to look at the most cute guys, you put yourself there with a book in front and pretend to read. “Oh well, this time I didn’t go to the library to do the gaywatching and I started looking for Chicco around the university, I could not enter the classrooms where there was a lesson but I was looking for him and I said to myself: “Dear Sandro, but you are becoming totally stupid! … You are running after a guy who barely looked at you! “… oh … it was so! In short, I find him in the small library on the second floor … I go to sit next to him … because sometimes I’m just a bad guy … but he doesn’t change his attitude … nothing at all! Not even a small sign, he greets me, he beckons me to shut up because you cannot talk there … so I write him on a sheet: “What time do you go home? So let’s have a chat.” He answers me “Now I have to study because I have an exam in 20 days, but thanks for the proposal.” An ambiguous and provocative answer at the same time … I pretended to read and then every now and then I looked at him but he never looked at me, he thought only of the book … I look at him once, two and three times and then I break my balls. Well no! I cannot waste time with this guy! I feel like a fool, I get up to leave, I do bye with my hand, he responds the same way, looks at me and winks … But go to hell! He winks at me … he doesn’t greet me as he greets his colleagues, he winks at me … I had already said goodbye. I’m leaving. Oh! I could not get him out of my head … The following days I always saw him in the library to study … I went in, I said goodbye, he winked at me, then one day he waved me -10, as if to tell me that the exams would have been in 10 days, then we counted down day by day. I went to hear him at the exams and he was a monstrous thing, I didn’t know even a half of the things he knew. I had arrived when he was already in front of the professor and I thought he had someone accompany him but it was not like that. He took his 30 and praise (I dream of such things!) as if nothing had happened, then he approached me … and he told me: “Here I am …” We went out, he invited me to have breakfast with him. He spoke little, he was formal, I didn’t know what to do, I felt a little uncomfortable, he didn’t show any emotion. I didn’t know what to do. I told him he was nice and I was happy that the exam was fine … the dialogue was very slow, at the limit of the impossible. After two hours we took the subway but he was going much farther than me. I was upset a lot. So the next day I see him and we spend two hours together, two strange hours but not two hours wasted, he didn’t leave, neither I, even if there was talk just about nothing … in short, we went on like this for some days, now the fact of seeing each other and talking a little bit became an obvious thing. I said to myself: “If I don’t break ice myself we get bogged down here.” So one day, after a few generic conversation, I told him that I had to tell him something important and that I wanted some privacy, we left the university and I told him: “Listen … I have to tell you that I’m gay”. He doesn’t upset at all, he tells me that he had already understood it and that the thing is not a problem for him, but the answer that I wanted from him was not that … and then I ask him the direct question: “Are you gay?” … He only tells me “Yes” and doesn’t add a word, he is absolutely peaceful in saying it … then I insist: “And … if I had fallen in love with you?” … and he begins a very strange speech, he tells me that he is not in love with me, then he asks me what does it mean to fall in love … and I don’t know what to say … we keep on talking … then he tells me that it’s evident that I love him but he thinks he doesn’t love me, he tells me that he doesn’t believe in love. I take courage and I tell him that I really want him on a sexual level, in saying it I fear his reaction … he replies that he wants me too but this has nothing to do with love and that what he feels is not love but only selfishness, because really of me as a person he doesn’t care at all … he tells me that he will never make love with me because he doesn’t want to play with feelings … he is upset, very upset … I propose to him to take a ride in the car, he accepts … We go out of town, I don’t know what to do, he doesn’t speak. I make a risky gesture, I take his hand, the first physical contact with Chicco. I, who was never afraid of anything, with him felt embarrassed, upset … he waits a few seconds, obviously doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t withdraw his hand, doesn’t retract it but doesn’t even tighten mine … tens of seconds pass like a nightmare, then finally he shakes my hand and hugs it very close to almost hurting me … then starts crying and says that he will never succeed to love me really. I take a handkerchief, wipe away his tears and he shows me  slightly a smile or better a half smile … I feel him very close but I don’t have the courage to kiss him. We remain silent in the car for a very long time without looking at each other, hand in hand. Sometimes he hugs me tightly. Then he says to me: “Take me back home, I’m fine now, but I don’t want to deceive you”. I raise his hand and kiss it, he lets it go, now the magic moment seems over, I start the engine and bring him home. He greets me giving me a very light caress on the hand, he had never done such a thing … then he tells me. “With me you have to be very patient … please don’t abandon me …” He got out of the car, I did the same, he didn’t expect it, I hugged him very tightly and lifted him off the ground, I made him just do a round of 360° without letting him touch the ground, then I kissed him. He was crying! Our story begun like this! 

Well, I resume from where I left before … One who hears this story up  to that moment what does he think? He thinks that the following day they go to bed together! … But no! Do you know what he does? … – and come on, I’m telling you soon … – he goes into crisis, but just in a crazy way, and doesn’t even tell me anything … just abruptly disappears! I call him on his cell phone and he doesn’t answer me, I send him a lot of text messages and he doesn’t answer me. I send him 20 e-mails a day and he doesn’t answer me … he made me feel really bad this (omissis), it’s better for me to forget it! In short, he was seized by a crisis of conscience … exactly! It’s not that he didn’t feel attracted, maybe if he had not felt attracted, perhaps repressing himself could have been something thinkable … No! He felt attracted to me … but he just couldn’t bear this fact – “I gay? It’s impossible! … yes, a fantasy happens … but only that … ” – … Let’s say that maybe he had also got used to the idea that he liked the guys … but in his own way! … – Yes … and come on! – … He looked at guys and thought about them … thought a lot about them! Did you understand!?… that is,… but who is the gay guy who if he sees a guy whom he likes, in the end, does not masturbate fantasizing above him? … But he does not! He never did it! … or almost never … when he did it, it seemed to him that he had killed someone … he went to confession, told the priest only that he had masturbated … but that he was thinking of a guy he didn’t tell him anything at all … So, when it happened to him, the thing died there … because they were all fancy stuff … but I was there … well, for all the time we counted down to the exams, in the library, he was looking at me, but not so much, he had put in his mind that the love he felt for me he did not have to dirty it with sex! … That’s it! … in short, he for the entire period we had spent together, if I can say so, before the story of the hug out of the car, they would have been twenty days at least, he had never masturbated thinking of me! Yes, it is! … I instead … obviously … I was always there … but he thought that doing the same he could offend me, he thought that masturbating thinking of me meant that he didn’t love me … and other stupidities like that! Oh well I didn’t even know it … and how could such a thing have crossed my mind … Now I tell you what happened … because he would never tell you himself … the evening of the hug he came back home and masturbated thinking of me! … And he liked it as well! … and then … – he told me about it, and he was serious … – he felt like a dishonest … he didn’t feel worthy of me … damn it, if he knew what I did! … Anyway … I went under his house … day and night! … I thought of everything … that he had had an accident … maybe that his parents had seen us from the window … but I would never have thought things like they really were … He makes me wait under his house two days and two whole nights … – then he told me he saw me from behind a window and he knew I was there – … well, on the third day he felt sorry for me … he said: “If I don’t do something … I find him embalmed here below “… in short, he went down the street … I was in the car in the cold, half-frozen … he knocks on the glass and makes me sign that he wants to get in the car … it didn’t seem true to me … I thought: “He has taken his decision!” … I was upset a bit from sleep, a bit from the cold but also from happiness … He sits, serious, I would have beaten him … and tells me all the things I told you before. I thought, “Is he really out of mind or is he pretending? But this guy must be sent by some serious psychologist!” He went on to tell me what he had to tell, with the face of one who would be buried by shame and never looked at my face, I don’t say a smile, for heaven’s sake. I said to myself: “What am I doing here with this guy? … and I was under his house two days and two nights! … But I send him instantly to get fucked …! “. And I said to him: “Listen to me, I don’t really care about all these stupid things, come get out and go away!” But he didn’t want to go out and I was getting angry badly! At that moment I would have beaten him … but he started crying and completely turned the omelette, he told me that he would do anything for me, that he felt stupid, and so on … then tells me that if I wanted to, he could make love with me as well immediately. And do you know what I told him? “My dear, but you are crazy! … so, later, if you throw yourself under the train, the fault is also mine!”… He felt uncomfortable, he was crying desperately … then I started the engine and we went for a ride. I swear to you, I didn’t know what to do, I would never have wanted one like him, but he had glued to me and I liked such a situation … you know, you say: “I’ll wean this guy … he has never been with anyone”… in short, it’s not a small thing … Oh, well, we go out of town, I didn’t know what to do … No! … seriously! I thought: “This one I violate him!” … but not for me, just for him! Look, I really thought so … but, well, given the type, the reaction a little scared me … But I wanted him to melt a little … In short, we were all day around … He was happy! … and well! … and then he tells me: “I’m happy because you didn’t try other things!” … then he looked at me and told me: “Don’t be angry … today I was fine …” and he even fleshed me a smile, that when he smiles … well … in short , it was worth it … So I asked him: “Do you feel attracted to me?” He began to answer philosophical things and I told him. “No! Wait up! … I want to know if you feel attracted to me sexually … ” He became red like a pepper and said: ” … even sexually … yes “… then I told him: “So then today you have to masturbate thinking of me … ” He reacted very badly to my final comment, not for the thing itself but because he thought I was making fun of him, his eyes were red and he told me: “You cannot understand these things … you don’t have to tease me I’m making a terrible effort to adapt to you and you don’t even understand it!” I apologized in the most sincere way and I felt as if I had betrayed him. He told me: “The excuses are not necessary … I know that you love me.” At that moment I thought: “I really love this guy! I’ll dedicate all my life to him!” I wanted to ask him something about his life, I wanted to understand something more than those things “that I could not understand” but it was not the moment … He had understood that I loved him but I didn’t know if he would give me another date, I did not know whether to ask him, I was afraid to go too fast … by now I would have adapted to its rhythms anyway … In short … all the way up to his house I wondered how I should have said bye, that is at what level … in short, if I could take his hand or I could caress him. When we arrived under his house I felt frozen … he made a gesture that I never expected, he took my right hand in his and kissed it … then he said: “See you tomorrow at university … ” and told me not to get out of the car.

The other time we had finished with the afternoon spent in the car when he had given me the appointment at the university … In short, you  have understood who Chicco is … The next day I go at the university … well, I expected him to melt completely, that is, I don’t say too much, but I waited at least a bit of complicity, I honestly wanted a lot more … I thought: “Chicco is melting and then I can enjoy him properly!” Oh! Nothing absurd eh! I love Chicco … but a tender thing, oh well, I knew it was impossible, but you know, fantasy sometimes came back and then I wondered if he would have masturbate thinking of me, I said to myself: “Certainly not!” But then the brain was always there again and again! He was so ashamed, yes … but in the end it’s not that it takes a lot, and I imagined that while I was doing it he did it too and then we did it together … for me being in love with Frederick was like that … that is,  how can you fall in love with a guy without  thinking of him in terms of sex? … No! It’s impossible! … Well now these were only my fantasies … from him, given the type, I didn’t know what to expect – Chicco, it is useless for you to make me sign to shut up and become red! … if we have to tell him everything we must tell things how they really are – Okay … I wait for him at the end of the lesson and he dodges me, I follow him wagging my tail and he pretends not to see me … I insist and put a hand on his shoulder and he looks at me as if he wanted to electrocute me, I withdraw my hand … but I don’t give up and he goes to the parking lot, he has the car there, makes me sign to get in the car and starts one of his rants, says that it was all a mistake, that he thought about it, that he doesn’t want to make me suffer because in any case he can never fall in love with anyone, he apologizes a hundred times and tells me that our story has no future. Apparently it seems determined, I’m embarrassed. I tell him: “Give me a serious reason, just one!” He doesn’t know what to say, he repeats that he doesn’t feel it but in the speech he sometimes lets himself go to flashes about his life that doesn’t seem casual and escaped by distraction, they are things desired and often told with a visible embarrassment, that is the speech that he tries to do is serious and he commits himself very strongly. While I’m talking, I look at him and he stares at the empty space in front of him. He tells me that he’s very religious and that for him to feel at peace with his own conscience is fundamental, then he adds a whole story about the fact that he knows very well the positions of the church on gays “and he accepts them!” … Yes, you understood correctly: he accepts them! … so he said! … I said to myself: “What does this guy say? But I choke him!” But he had prepared his little speech accurately and he was acting everything to me … just like a well packaged script … Oh … I liked Chicco and a lot … but when one plays such a scene, you give him up! You certainly cannot become crazy with him … What had I to do? Two plus two is four and I say that I’m sorry for everything that happened and I open the door to go down. He turns to me and says: “No! Please! Please! Don’t go!” I closed the door and told him: ” Listen Frederick … but you’re telling me that I have to go!” He tells me it’s not true, he doesn’t want me to leave but he doesn’t even want a good friendship like ours to be ruined by “other things” … Other things?! … At that moment he made me angry but he made me feel sorry too, I saw that he was holding back in a frightening way, almost raped himself to self-control, we were at the university parking lot, and in the morning and there were people, but I had the precise feeling that if we were alone and I had kissed him he would abandon himself completely … but it could not be done. I didn’t know what to do … I made him talk … but he said a lot of stupid things that in the end I couldn’t bear anymore and I told him. “Frederick, you didn’t understand anything about life!” And he looked at me, red eyes, little tear, and told me: “I think you’re right … I would like to live like you … but I can’t do it, I just can’t.” We sent to hell all the morning and afternoon lessons and we left the city, two sandwiches and something to drink and then always talking and we talked about sex, he told me that the day before he had masturbated again thinking of me and then he hadn’t felt guilty. Because for him, after masturbation, you “must” feel guilty! I told him that I had masturbated too, imagining that we did it at the same time and I told him that I had fantasized about the fact that we could do it together and he replied that it was a beautiful thought and that the same evening he would masturbate thinking of me and dreaming of doing it with me. I would not have dreamed of something like this from Frederick neither after twenty years of gay marriage! I was upset … in the morning he tells me that he has the scruples of conscience and in the afternoon he gives me speeches like that. I say to myself: “What am I doing? Have I to try?” In the end I take his hand, first he lets me do it but does not participate, then shakes my hand, caressing it. My hand is dry and warm, his is cold and wet, almost insensibly I try to feel the pulse: it is very frequent, he’s anxious. I think I’m doing well and I say to him: “Frederick, come on, now I’ll take you home”, he looks at me upset: “But why? What did I do? … I’m letting myself go now but it costs me a lot … we’re here, please … don’t bring me home … I want to be with you … Please Sandro, don’t freeze me like that! If it’s necessary, insist on me, I’m not used to these things but I want them, I swear I want them and I don’t want to ruin everything … I don’t want to ruin everything … hug me, please, hug me! Why don’t you do that? Why don’t you understand that I need it?” We sat in the back seat of the car and I hugged him tightly, I didn’t even think about kissing him. I held him to me and my Chicco trembled, trembled and chattered his teeth, he didn’t say a word. I was shocked, I had my adventures but I had never seen a guy who had a physical need to be embraced by me as violent as that of Frederick. He was stressed out. I caressed his hair but I didn’t kiss him. After a few minutes I looked him in the eyes and I said: “Chicco … I love you!” He told me: “Now, if you want, we can go.” We passed on the front seats and I drove to his house, he told me that he had feared that I would refuse him and that he loved me because I had understood that he needed time. I told him: “Only for this?” And he replied: “For this even more!” Every so often while I was driving I passed my hand through his hair and he said to me: “Come on, come on … don’t do that.” but he said it with a very sweet voice … Along the way I asked him a thousand times how he was and he said:” Good! Sandro, good!” Then I ventured a more difficult speech, I told him: “I have to tell you something … I’m embarrassed a lot but I have to tell you … when we hugged, I wanted you … I went really hard, I thought I couldn’t hold it back.” He told me: “Yes, I noticed … “. I ask him the explicit question: “Does it bother you?”. He replies: “No … it happened to me too …” … Chicco, but you don’t say anything? – “And what have I to say? You have already said everything … but I’ve got a fear … that if this story ends up on the internet I can be considered just like a total imbecile … anyway I’d like to know how the readers of our story will take it, they should be all gays … Wow! That is bad! … well, but I think that nobody will read it!
If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-birth-of-a-gay-love


Hi Project,

I’m 18 years old and I would like to talk about something that has happened to me and that makes me feel very bad. It’s a complicated story, but please be patient and tell me what you think.

In early January this year I felt terribly uncomfortable, because I was alone and I didn’t have a boyfriend. I cannot be alone and I missed a guy a lot, I had fallen in an awful love, but then I saw the guy in question with a girl and such a thing had torn me to pieces, but I knew that there was nothing to do. I spent my days fantasizing about how nice it could be to have a guy who understands me, to talk with, reasoning like me and who loves me, I also wanted him nice, that is not beautiful, but as I like him, a sweet guy, affectionate.

At school, at an assembly I see a guy that I like a lot, let’s say I didn’t notice him before, but I thought he was beautiful. After the disappointing experiences I had had with others, I didn’t delude myself very much, partly because I’m not as nice as him. But he approached me and started talking to me, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want to delude myself but I liked him.

In February, after the report cards, we went on a school trip, we ended up in the room together, just the two of us. I swear it was not a planned thing, but it happened. In short, when we went to bed, after a while he got out of his bed and approached me and asked if he could get into my bed. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted it, but I didn’t know what would happen, I told him yes and immediately afterwards I asked him if he was gay and he said yes.

It was beautiful, we touched each other and masturbated each other, I was in orbit and he was very fascinated too. We were careful not to do dangerous things because he confessed to me that he had done it with other guys. I was happy, as I have never been in my life. The next day we did it again and he insisted on going further, but I didn’t want to, he finally had oral sex to me but not me to him, even if the desire was so great, but I masturbated him.

Then the trip ended and we went back to Milan and my anxiety started there. He didn’t call me, he didn’t answer my messages, but he wanted me to go to his house when his parents were not there (they work in the afternoon) to have sex, for a few days I went there but, after sex, everything was over. I would have liked a bit of tenderness, but if I caressed him, he would look at me strangely and would tell me that he didn’t like those things. When I sent him some text messages he got angry because he told me that his parents could find the messages, but when his parents were not at home, he demanded me to go to him.

Once, I could not really, because I had grandma at home and I didn’t go and he got angry, black, he raised his voice, then it passed. Well, now for a few days I cannot stand him any longer, he always asks me if I like what we do and things like that, I try to tell him that I’d like something with a little more feeling and he replies to me that he’s very keen on me, but I have the impression that it is not like that at all. In short, I think that for him I’m worth something only because I run to his house to have sex whenever he wants, and our relationship ends here.

Project, now I’m at the point where I cannot bear him anymore. At the beginning I masturbated thinking of him, now I don’t do it anymore and when I’m at his house I wonder: What the hell am I doing here? I’m going to have a little sex, it’s true, but if we have sex this way it seems to me just a mechanical thing. I think I should get away from him, yesterday I tried, but he got angry, he raised his voice, he began to say that I exploit him and use him when it suits me and then I think I can throw him away like a rag, he told me that if I say no, between us everything is over forever and I don’t deserve him, but you could see that he was uncomfortable.

I didn’t know how to react because I didn’t want to hurt him and in the end I gave up and we had sex like the other times, but I really had the brain somewhere else. I honestly think that being told no makes him a terrible effect and I don’t want to hurt him in the heavy sense, because after all I love him and I don’t know what to do.

I send you my skype contact (omissis), because I would like to talk a bit about it, since I cannot talk about it with anyone.



If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-difficult-gay-relationship



Hi Project,

I don’t know if you are a real person or a group of people, I will do as if you were a person. Meanwhile, thank you for creating the blog, but I must tell you now that gay things for me have a strange taste, I’m quite full of complexes about these things and even now, as an old man, I’m upset by a lot of strange and absurd thoughts. I don’t know if I’m really gay, I don’t even know if I want to be gay, I’m sure that in the things of sex I lived the life of a pathological case, a neurotic man who never managed to find his balance. That said, you certainly didn’t understand anything, so it’s worth it to tell you what happened. I would like you to put my story on the blog, but if you don’t want it I can understand you. In any case I would like to receive your answer.

I was born in Northern Italy, in Veneto, and then there was really hunger in those places. My parents were farmers and I was the only surviving child. My older brother had died in the war and after the elementary school in the country, my parents had to decide whether to send me to the middle school (with Latin and aimed at the continuation of studies) or to the job placement school (allowing immediate access to work without continuing education). My parents had little money but they made a huge effort to send me to the middle school, to make me study and give me more possibilities. I thank them for this because my economic tranquility of today is the result of their choice.

I did the first and second class of the middle school in a town near my country. I had to get up very early in the morning to get the bus, my mother washed and stretched my shirt every day, because I only had two shirts and at school I had to go well dressed, she also polished my shoes, dad lined my books and made me find good things to eat, which were chestnuts or figs, according to the season. There was the Latin in the middle school and for me it was a big obstacle, but there was the parish priest, Don Antony, who gave me lessons in the afternoon and had me do all my homework. The other guys in my classroom were all from rich or at least middle-class families, but then I didn’t realize it. When there were meetings with the professors Don Antony went there instead of my parents, and I didn’t understand why, but my parents didn’t show up for fear of making me look bad, because they didn’t speak Italian well and their hands were ruined by the work in the country side. My dad had only finished elementary school and my mother hadn’t even finished it.

Despite everything, at school I did not have serious problems of adaptation, the professors were very demanding but I had a certain desire to study and with the help of Don Antony, who had half a mind to send me, later, in the seminar, I managed to I pass quite well.

In the summer of 57 I lost both my parents because of a typhoid fever that the doctor couldn’t cure and I found myself, at 13, practically alone in the world. I was entrusted to a brother of my mother, Uncle Battista, who lived in a small village in the mountains and had the animals in a mountain pasture. If I went to stay with Uncle Battista, who was also old, widower, and had no children, I could not continue to study. The uncle told me that I could either go to the seminary in Vicenza or go to boarding school in Rome, in a school that Don Antony knew. I didn’t want to go to the seminary absolutely and chose to go to Rome, where I had never been. They signed me to school and Uncle Battista took charge of paying the fee, which should not have been so low, because I would have eaten and slept in that boarding school.

Don Antony accompanied me to Rome and introduced me to the Rector of the school, to tell the truth a little shabby, but clean, it was a convent of friars, there was the church, but there were few friars, no more than seven or eight, all old. The boarding school was run by the prefect friar, who was hardly ever seen, all the internal organization was entrusted to young people, university students, whom we called little prefects, they were guys who were in college without paying because in practice they were working with us, paying attention to us, they were the ones who followed us during the hours of study and they made us do our homework, they watched us in the afternoon, during meals, and at night they slept in their small rooms, one next to each dormitory, to control the discipline. In general, they didn’t care so much about us because they had a lot to study for their university exams.

I was new in the boarding school, my comrades had known each other for two years. The school was not bad, all professors were laymen, basically retired teachers of state schools, they were all old but good and they spent their souls to make us learn things. I still remember some professors. The professor of mathematics to which I owe my interest in this subject, in which I was very good, the professor of Italian and Latin who told us the stories of Iliad and Odyssey reciting as in the theater and also the gym teacher who practically made us do premilitary gymnastics, as at the time of fascism. The first days I was fine and I wrote it to Don Antony, who sent me a letter every week, but as early as mid-October I began to see strange things.

There were some boys who disappeared from the study hall and no one knew where they ended up and then they came back half an hour later, I was totally naïve at that time, I didn’t know anything about sex, I had not yet discovered masturbation and they could tell me anything that I would have believed it. The other boys, who didn’t know me, tended to put me aside and keep me out of their secrets, but it did not take me long to realize that in the boarding school there was an invisible, underground life.

For an internal rule, the dorms were distinguished by years of school, so as to keep the children of different ages separate. We saw the students of the sixth and seventh grade only at breakfast, at lunch, at dinner and on special occasions, for example in church, but the recreation was done for separate groups, so in practice I could only get familiar with the boys of the eighth grade.

At the time I was a nice guy for my age, but I was very delicate and very polite. After the first weeks of school one of the boys, one of the most respected little bosses, began to call me “man-woman” and to make jokes that at first I didn’t even understand, like; “You are a man, not your sister!” Then the idea that I was the man-woman began to spread among all my comrades.

One day, during the hours of study, one of the boys approached the little prefect for an explanation of mathematics, the little prefect told him that he was studying letters and that if he wanted to, he could go to another little prefect who was studying engineering in his room. The boy came back to the study room after about half an hour all blushed and disheveled, it was there that I had the first suspicion that the half hours of absence of some boys were not dedicated to receive school explanations. But it was only an impression, I said nothing and everything went on as before.

One evening, before going to sleep, when the little prefect was not there, the little bully boss, who was called Silvan, approached me and gave me a caress and then put his hands in the middle of my legs and said: “it’s just to see if you’re a man or a woman!” I felt my face burn, I wanted to go to the little prefect to report it but Silvan told me: “Go go! So he also will give you a good check!” And laughed.

Over time they told me that one of the little prefects, the one of engineering, in practice the one of our dorm, had sex with the boys of the eighth grade. With me he never tried such things because I didn’t give him confidence, but according to the stories of others, with those who gave him rope he let himself go right. He was a nice guy, I wanted, maybe, that it happened with me, but at the same time I was afraid and nothing happened.

The first really bad things happened to me just before Christmas holidays. The boys were abandoned to themselves, the little prefects were almost all gone for Christmas holidays, except our little prefect, the one of engineering. I make it short because, even if so many years have passed, such things cause me a little repulsion. In short, four guys block me on the bed, they lower my trousers and pants, and Silvan tries to penetrate me, let’s say he makes the move, I scream, but they put a handkerchief in my mouth and then they are four guys and I don’t have the strength to oppose. There was no penetration but the humiliation was terrible. Silvan told me: “Now you understand what will happen to you if you don’t do everything we want!” At that moment, if I could I would have killed him.

After that I keep them at a distance, I show myself as little as possible, but things cannot go on like this. If I had not done anything I would have become the laughing stock of Sivan and his gang and the violence would have been repeated.

I think about it a lot, but in the end I have no other solutions, I take the courage in my hands and I go to talk with our little prefect (the one of engineering), who listens to me, he’s frightened above all by the idea that I go to speak with the Rector, and it’s evident, he tries to reassure me and then we come to a compromise that I never expected from him but that, at the same time, put me safe and exposed me to the worst insults from my classmates. In practice, the prefect would have slept in my dormitory bed and I in his, in his locked room. This whole thing happened, obviously without the true prefect of the college knowing anything about it and the boys had to tolerate everything, if they had not done so, what they had done to me would come out. Then, to keep quiet my comrades, who would kill me, I ended up accepting that the little prefect would come to sleep in his little room too. Of course, afterwards, my comrades considered me just as a whore.

About the engineering little prefect I heard the worst things: that he undressed the boys, was competing with them to see who had the biggest dick and used to beat them to get sexual performances and similar things and some guys swore it was true and that it had happened to them, but the little prefect, with me had never tried such things.

One day, while I was in his room I start to rummage and between the mattress and the bed base I find a package with some letters, I read them, they are directed to a guy but they are love letters and also hot. I think then that all my comrades say about him is true and I start to be afraid.

And here I did something I’m still ashamed of today, I told one of my comrades about the little prefect’s letters, and he tried to push me to steal the letters to have him in hand and maybe to take them secretly to the Rector. I didn’t do this thing, it seemed infamous and then I liked the little prefect and I didn’t want him to be fired or maybe I wanted to have him in my hand. But now another boy knew about the letters and soon everyone would know and the letters would have been stolen by others, then I entered the little prefect’s room, I took them, and I hid them somewhere else (in church).

When the little prefect came back I said I had to talk to him and I told him that the boys knew about his letters, I saw him paling at that thought, but I also told him that I had made the letters disappear and that they were hidden in a safe place, where no one would find them. He wanted them back but I didn’t give them to him and I told him I had read them. He looked at me petrified but I told him that he had nothing to fear because he had behaved well with me, then I told him about all the things I had heard about him and asked him if they were true. He admitted having done some sex games with the boys but only consensual things and he swore it to me. I told him about what Silvan and his gang had done to me and he told me that they didn’t do it for sex but only to inflict a terrible humiliation on another boy, and then he asked me if I liked guys, I thought about it and I honestly replied that I didn’t know it and he told me: What a pity! Then he realized that he had said something stupid and apologized and after many hesitations asked me where the letters were and I told him but I asked him to leave them there because they were safe, maybe he could go and see that there they really were, but I wanted him to leave them there and he did so.

The story of the little prefect however ended badly and perhaps it was my fault. The boy to whom I had talked about the letters, went to report the matter to the Rector. The little prefect denied everything, I was called as a witness, I swore the false and said that my comrade had invented everything. The facts were not proven, but the Rector didn’t want to know reasons and the little prefect was kicked out, or rather removed for reasons of opportunity, a few months before his graduation exams. Before he left, he secretly took up the letters and warned me that he had taken them.

The new prefect was an emeritus imbecile. In the last months before the exams I suffered from the gang of Silvan harassment and violence of all kinds, and this time, since they had to avenge on me that I had been the “favorite of the fag” I really suffered sexual violence by Silvan and another boy. [- omissis -] The feeling of repulsion was total, I will not tell you how I felt after, I still carry inside myself the memory of that scene because that was not sex but only violence like the beasts and even worse. My classmates were 14 years old and in the end I cannot hate them or wish them death, because they didn’t even understand what they were doing.

In short, afterwards I was obsessed with those memories for decades and my sex life was ruined. The memory of the little prefect instead was positive, then I understood: he was really a gay guy, and I liked him well, he had not behaved like an asshole, but the idea that I could be gay just because of the violent initiation I suffered, ruined my life. I’m not married and I don’t have a partner, I’m alone, and absurd as it seems, gay sex seems repugnant to me, but I don’t know, don’t really know, if this happens because of the violence suffered, but I think so.

Anyone who uses sexual violence on another person kills that person inside, kills the dignity, the certainties of that person, dirties his/her sexuality forever. The boys should receive a serious education and learn the true respect of others, but unfortunately, even if fifty years have passed, we are still very far from all this.

Thanks Project, at least I vented a bit.


If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-homosexuality-and-sexual-violence-in-a-boarding-school