IS HE A LATENT GAY?

Hello Project, I just read your article about gay guys who have a sexual friendship with guys with latent homosexuality who will never admit that they are gay. I found what you wrote quite similar to what I experienced, in the sense that I have this friend, even engaged (with a girl), I meet each summer on vacation, and it is thanks to him that I came out of my latency, even if I’ve been trying to find a definition of my sexuality for three years and I cannot find one that fits me, I called myself bisex, but only because I happened to have feelings towards girls, despite my masturbations are in a gay key and just a little hetero. That is, during masturbation I tend to spontaneously have hetero fantasies, but I need to conclude in a gay key.

However I said that I found myself in the article because it is three summers that I end up sleeping with this friend of mine, in crescendo, it started with mutual masturbation and every summer we add something more, but the kisses are forbidden, and cuddling etc. Every time after having behaved the usual way he starts to denigrate me and begins to say phrases like, “it is getting too pleasant”, “it take me a lot of time to come”, “I came too little, with my girlfriend it is more pleasant, you’re dangerous, we don’t have to do such things anymore” . . . but in the meantime we do it every time, he says he is straight, but by texting he asks me if I’m active or passive, he probes the ground, he asks me to come and visit him in his university residence where he lives alone. And every time we do it, then, he pretends nothing, tries to make me understand that he is just a friend, showing off with his girlfriend, not calculating me at all if I look at him, as if nothing had happened between us, because for him it’s just a thing without meaning. Because he cannot afford to be gay.

This September I chose not to call him, and he complained that I never call him. I told him that I needed to think, and he was strangely understanding and told me: okay, when you want, call me. After two months I decided to contact him again but because I love him and I would really like to be his friend, now I no longer expect him to wake up and stay with me, because now I have lost hope.

Also this time the same problem, if I try to be a friend, he starts talking about sex and asks me questions to probe the ground, even flirting. Every time we meet, he shows himself half naked, and I see him bare-chested and cannot resist, I don’t understand anything anymore and I always fall back on it.

It’s a friendship that has lasted for more than 10 years, and I’d be wrong to have to cut it off and not hear him anymore. And I no longer know what to do, because I don’t like anymore this relationship, where there are no cuddles but only denigration; I prefer a normal friendship at this point. What do you advise me to do?
A hug. Richard

Hi Richard. The first question that arises is whether we are really facing a guy with latent homosexuality, what is possible, or a guy who is really aware of his homosexuality or at least bisexuality, perhaps with a strong hetero prevalence. The discriminating element (of which only the person concerned is aware) are the masturbation fantasies: if that guy was really a latent homosexual, his masturbation would be exclusively hetero, if instead there were “also”, perhaps episodically, gay fantasies, then the category of latent homosexual should be totally put aside, because, in practice, the latency of homosexuality means that the same subject is not aware of it; and in essence in all cases the consciousness of one’s sexual orientation is obtained precisely from masturbation and, paradoxically, not from the couple sexuality.

I add a corollary to the basic theorem: if the sex he did with you has not become the object of his masturbation fantasies then there is in practice the certainty that he is a latent homosexual but, I have to stress it, latent homosexuality is a rare thing. In the other hypothesis, if the memory of what he lived with you is instead the object of his masturbation fantasies, perhaps episodically, then you can think that you are facing a guy who is at least partially bisexual and who is in strong condition of sexual repression. If this guy is really a latent homosexual, well, either he wakes up by himself (something unlikely and in any case not predictable or controllable) or there is little to do, the situation will remain that of a friendship, perhaps episodically sexualized.

If instead a homosexual component really exists, well, then it would make sense, more for his own sake than for yours, to arrive at a clear discourse, because marriage for a bisexual means having to give up the other half of the sky, what isn’t certainly a simple thing, unless it is an almost straight bisexuality; if then his gay component was important (and the fact of having a girl, in conditions of social obligation is really not significant), i.e. if he was bisexual with a strong gay component or even a gay that has adapted to have a relationship with a girl (what is not so infrequent), then the marriage would be really to be avoided, because it would be like being shut up in a cage with the prospect of remaining there for a lifetime.

Then there is a third hypothesis, not to be neglected at all, that is that of the hetero-curious (and there are many), it is about men or guys, usually frustrated in their straight sexuality, who seek a gay contact exclusively on the sexual level, excluding any emotional implication, because their affectivity is fully dedicated to women. The hetero-curious are the biggest users of so-called gay pornography. The hypothesis that this guy is just a hetero-curious (who will always consider himself heterosexual and will consider his own gay sexual adventures only as adventures) finds support in the fact that, in your relationship, on his part, it is systematically underlined that his true sexuality is straight, and in from the fact, anything but marginal, that he asked you if you are active or passive, a question that is typical of the hetero-curious (of which are full of erotic chats) and that a true gay would not ask because gay sexuality is not an imitation of the straight one.

I summarize here for you a story I have seen closely and that best configures the relationship between a gay and a latent homosexual. We’ll call “G” the gay and “L” the latent gay.

L knows that G is gay. G has had several girls, and is known to be able to do a lot with women, girls themselves who have been with him say it, but he is not engaged and has never had a stable girlfriend. All his girls come from the same group as G. G and L go to the mountain sites together with the girls of the group. G and L are usually in the same room together. L is very uninhibited, when he is in the room with G he wears only the briefs, physical contact with G is frequent, tests of strength, fighting, etc., but also cuddles in the same bed. Over the days G becomes more enterprising and L lets him do and gets to get masturbated by G (but L doesn’t masturbate G).

G thinks that L is gay and after many uncertainties comes to the idea of making him explicitly understand it. G speaks clearly and the whole story ends, L leaves before the end of the holidays and disappears at all. For him, being masturbated by his friend was just an uninhibited game because on a conscious level his sexuality was radically hetero and it was precisely this that allowed him to behave so freely with his friend without particular problems. Therefore, maximum caution and above all, keep your feet on the ground! Be cautious with flights of fantasy!

So let’s sum up. Maybe my answer may seem strange to you, but I would stay away from him, because if he’s just a repressed, if he’s a repressed gay, then ok, it makes sense, but if he’s a repressed bisexual who wants to stay straight, well, even taking away the repression there is not much to be satisfied, because a bisexual will never build a strong and above all exclusive relationship with you.

The hypothesis that he is a repressed gay is the only one that could give you an adequate motivation to go on, but in that case he should also have the courage to overcome the things that repress him, perhaps not in public, but at least in private, and should begin to understand that going on with girls means enter a road that leads straight to marriage, which for a gay is the worst trap. If you stay away and he really cares about you, he will not let you go, but I wouldn’t follow him, because to build something as a couple you have to want it in two! A hug.
Project

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HOMOSEXUALITY AND FEELINGS OF GUILT

Concept of feeling of guilt

This chapter is dedicated to a reflection on the relationship between homosexuality and feelings of guilt. When a person has profoundly assimilated a code of behavior and performs actions that according to that code of behavior are reprehensible, that person experiences feelings of guilt. The feelings of guilt are the sign of the irreconcilability of having to be (behavioral code) and of being (actual behavior).

Function of the sense of guilt

It must be emphasized that the sense of guilt has a very important function in the maintenance of individual morality because its fundamental function consists in reorienting behaviors, leading them towards the respect for the rules.

An example can help to understand the concrete meaning of these concepts.
A guy receives a secret from a friend, then, with extreme lightness, he talks with other guys violating his friend’s privacy, gossip follows. The guy realizes that he has failed in the duty of confidentiality towards a friend who trusted him, he feels guilty for this, ad also feels the need to tell his friend to have stupidly told what should not have been told. The friend, seeing the real repentance of the guy forgives him. The story seems to end here, but in reality the guy who had transgressed the rule of confidentiality has learned a lesson in morality and when he will find himself in similar situations he will behave correctly. This is concretely the “physiological” function of the sense of guilt and, as we can see, it deals with fundamental psychological mechanisms of self-correction of one own behaviors.

Codes of behavior and individual well-being

In the example we have just seen, a condition has been taken for granted, that is that the violated code of behavior is a deeply assimilated and consciously shared code of behavior on the part of the guy who violated it. It is precisely this condition that leads to “physiological” feeling of guilt, that is, functional not only to restore respect for the behavioral code but also to improve the individual well-being of those who have transgressed it.

Respect for the code of behavior and individual well-being are often things very difficult to be implemented jointly or even irreconcilable and this happens when the code of behavior is not really assimilated and shared by the one who should put it into practice.

Let’s consider another example.
A guy had been induced, not to say forced, to tell his parents what his brother is doing because his parents wanted to know with whom the brother was usually talking on the phone or chatting. That guy, the first times, had adapted to the demands of his parents but then he began not to tell anything about what his brother was doing and this way he also felt the pleasure of transgressing what had been ordered by his parents. In reality the sense of guilt, anyway very relative, consequent to the transgression, was amply compensated by the conscience of having fulfilled a duty of solidarity which was considered to be of a much higher moral level than blind obedience to the parents.

It is precisely on the basis of mechanisms of this kind that even authentic acts of heroism are justified and motivated by soldiers who disobey orders in the name of respect for fundamental moral rules.

There is therefore a hierarchy of codes of conduct for which the violation of lower-level code provisions generate feeling of guilt only if the lower-level rules are compatible with higher-level moral principles, otherwise the lower-level rules are understood as substantially immoral and therefore the transgression to those norms is lived not only without feelings of guilt but even with the gratification that results from the transgression of an unjust norm.

Moral freedom and feelings of guilt

To judge a behavioral standard assimilated from the outside it is necessary to have a criterion of judgment that resides in a moral principle of a higher level, that is, to judge a norm of behavior assimilated from outside, a true free individual moral conscience is needed.

The freedom of the individual moral conscience is conquered over time and following a sometimes tortuous and difficult path.

Let us now try to take particular account of what a lot of gay guys experience every day. From a very early age hetero-centric education presents to children a well defined code of behavior for which heterosexual sexuality is the norm and gay sexuality is a deviance, heterosexual sexuality is physiology and gay sexuality is pathology. The result of this constant and subliminal process is the assimilation by all boys of a code of sexual behavior substantially heterosexual, this code will be functional for guys who will actually develop a straight sexuality but will inevitably be dysfunctional for the guys who will develop a gay sexuality.

The code of heterosexual sexual behavior, deeply assimilated by gay boys, in a phase in which there is not yet a real moral autonomy, ends up creating feelings of guilt, since a gay boy can’t however adhere to a behavioral code that is born for other needs.

Here is shown the discrepancy between the hetero norm and the individual good of the gay boy, that is not compatible with that norm. I would add that at an age in which individual moral autonomy has not yet been consolidated the rules of the hetero code will prove to be totally incontestable for the gay boy and in substance will be the only parameter of his moral judgment. Obviously the feelings of guilt will be profound and the frustrations arising from the impossibility of conforming to a code of behavior considered indisputable will produce environmental misadaptation and anxiety.

Dysfunctional attempts to overcome feelings of guilt

The mechanism mentioned above is not an abstraction and is observed systematically in younger gay boys who grew up in very religious settings. The code of behavior that that is proposed to them is slowly perceived as incompatible with the development of individual sexuality.
This results in frustrating attempts to align oneself with a sexuality that is not one’s own and, at sometimes, in real attempts to put all sexuality aside, which in turn result in heavy feelings of guilt and discouragement. Classics are attempts by gay boys to avoid masturbation or to focus their sexual fantasies on girls.

The conquest of moral freedom

Over time, however, the individual moral conscience gradually gains strength and the guys come to question the rules received from the outside and begin to feel them in contrast with other principles and above all with the principle of freedom and with the idea that “evil” is what causes real suffering in other people and not a generic transgression to a moral code supposed indisputable.
As the individual moral sense matures, guys begin to feel no more guilt related to the transgression of norms that are not compatible with their own individual moral principles. The feelings of guilt continue to exist but only in the presence of transgressions with respect to the moral principles of the guy himself, in this way the sense of guilt return to assume its physiological function as a mechanism of self-correction of individual action, which guarantees observance of the principles of a free individual morality.

Self-degradation

We now come to consider an attitude that is not very common but neither uncommon among gay guys and that is self-degradation, the conviction of having big problems to solve and being unable to solve them, but I don’t intend here to refer to the problems arising from shyness or self-expression, I intend instead to refer to the self-degrading attitudes experienced by guys with rather free sexual behavior.
I am aware that what follows may cause perplexity and that someone will consider it an objective overturn of the most common way of thinking on the subject, but I think it is worth taking this risk.

Dangers of behavior patterns

Let’s start from a premise: we all tend to follow models of integration between affectivity and sexuality and models of couple relationships, these models can be points of reference but can also be the cause of a discomfort perceived by the guys in terms of impossibility or presumed impossibility to adapt to those models. It should be emphasized very clearly that the models of affection-sexuality integration, such as the models of couple life, represent precisely models which are often very difficult, if not impossible, to follow, i.e. models that are purely theoretical and substantially far from reality.

I try to present the concept through a concrete example. It is obvious that, at least in theory, the perfect integration of affectivity and sexuality is highly desirable, as is a couple’s life in which fidelity is absolute but, in fact, achieving full integration between affectivity and sexuality is very difficult as is maintaining an absolute couple fidelity, in particular when the couple’s life presents some tensions or when the choices at the base of the couple relationship have not been done completely freely and consciously or when the emotional exchange with one’s partner is not really deep. I mean that in order to achieve a perfect integration between affectivity and sexuality and a total mutual fidelity in a couple relationship, some preconditions must be verified, that often are not verified.

A relationship born with some original flaw will not realize the ideal models of couple life and this is not anyone’s fault but it is implicit in the premises. Often, however, gay guys are very negatively evaluated on the basis of the failure to achieve those goals and according to such evaluations they make a further logical leap, originally recognizing themselves inadequate.

Feelings of guilt induced by theoretical models

Even and especially for the most uninhibited guys, there is the idea of being somehow obsessed with sex and of being unable to live it in an affective dimension according to the commonly accepted theoretical models. Here it is necessary to define clear reference points. Sexuality is a fundamental interest for all guys, thinking about sex is a natural thing, not a pathological fixation. There are also addictions to sex but this category should be uses with great caution to avoid a too easy psychiatrization of behaviors that originally have nothing pathological but are experienced as pathological because of the fact that they are presented as such.

Homosexuality itself was considered pathological until a few decades ago and still today certain behaviors are often considered as pathological paraphilias. Exhibitionism and voyeurism have been considered pathological behaviors but, let’s understand each other well, a guy who is pleased with his own sex and shows it off online to another guy, perhaps in a sexually involving situation, has nothing to do with people who go around compulsively to show themselves in the nude to people completely unaware, and the same way a guy who spies on his friend (no matter if male or female) who takes a shower has nothing to do with pathological voyeurism.

Extrapolating these two examples, many behaviors in the field of sexuality, even if they don’t fall within the typical models of sexuality-affectivity integration and in the typical models of couple relationships, don’t however have anything pathological. I add an observation. We all grew up in a climate where the sexual dimension is clearly overestimated, both positively and negatively, there are sexual behaviors from which happiness is expected, but from which happiness doesn’t follow practically under any circumstances, and there are other behaviors to which we are brought to theoretically attribute a power destructive of the emotional life, even if such destructive power is not at all said to manifest actually.

Infidelity: the roots of betrayal

The spontaneous sexual fidelity is undoubtedly a symptom of the couple’s well-being. When a guy betrays, and even more when he repeatedly betrays, he is inclined to give about himself strongly negative judgments, to feel guilty for having gone to look for sex outside the couple. Rather than being dominated by feelings of guilt it would be useful for him to re-examine one’s couple life in search of what is wrong.

Betrayal very often does not result in a better psychological condition than the previous one, it doesn’t lead to building a new relationship but above all, if not only, manifests the intolerance towards the old one. And, I add, betrayal is not an unreasonable act or worse an act born of a pathological tendency to infidelity, but has roots, motivations in real life, which should be understood before thinking of being able to give any assessment of the betrayal in itself.

The real problem of the self-degradation of gay guys lies in hypothesizing their own original and somehow pathological inability to react according to the theoretical models commonly adopted and deemed indisputable, thus giving an ontological evaluation of themselves as incapable, unreliable, traitorous, etc. etc..

Frantic sexuality and emotional needs

Often the restless search for sexual contact has very little to do with sexuality in the technical sense and is the transposition on the sexual level of other needs of a largely affective type. The sexualization of affectivity on the part of a guy, especially in an environment where it is difficult if not impossible to find affective contacts, is a common reality and a guy who frequently seeks sexual contact is almost never dependent on sex but instead shows in that way his desire for affection and it is often a desire that has been frustrated for years.

The behavior of these guys appears to themselves as completely centered on sexuality but in reality, when the conditions for creating or maintaining sexual relations are not met, the emotional relationships that these guys have built up starting from sex, continue anyway, what would not happen if sexual interest were in fact the only drive to keep the relationship going. It often happens that a guy who has lived a difficult life is judged only on the basis of his formal behavior, completely neglecting all the facts that led him to those behaviors. In this way, seeing things exclusively from the outside, one can pronounce on that guy many judgements substantially unjust using abstract and moralistic categories completely inadequate to understand the substance of the problems underlying those behaviors.

Often, for a guy, the search for sexual contact is anything but a form of superficial recreation and instead has the meaning of getting involved altogether, asking the other for a real effort of understanding and participation, that is, asking the other to get out of the abstract categories of moralism.

What may appear to be a trivial sexual approach is sometimes a request for help, for understanding, a way to ask not to be classified with formal and superficial categories. A guy who, exasperatedly and I would say very emotionally and uneasily, looks for a sexual contact, certainly doesn’t want to be misjudged, he wants us to identify ourselves with his own point of view and to get to share something deeper with him.

Often, however, these guys get reactions of refusal or, worse, contemptuous judgments on the verge of immorality or even of mental illness. The discomfort in these cases can become very profound because it is experienced as a refusal of the person as a whole, generally follows a sense of inadequacy, ineptitude, inability to respect the rules that leads to self-degradation.

Internalization of the prejudice of others

A boy who feels his sexual behavior as not in line with the models of sexuality-affection integration and with the typical models of couple life, who lives a couple life in which the so-called betrayal is frequent and unsatisfactory, tends to react by blaming himself and feeling somehow unrecoverable, but the feelings of guilt are certainly not the best way to react.

One should ask oneself what is there upstream that does not satisfy, drawing the right conclusions. If the couple relationship is really lived as a value, it is possible to exit the chain of repeated betrayals, if on the contrary the couple relationship is radically unsatisfactory it is good to avoid carrying forward situations that generate more worries than gratifications. In a completely similar way a guy who tends to sexualise affectivity can feel deeply hurt by the judgment of others and can end up applying pathological categories to himself by introjecting the judgment of others, a judgment that in reality has nothing to do with the real motivations that guided that guy’s actions.

Having betrayed your boyfriend or seeking sexual contact as a substitute for emotional contact is not considered in itself a good thing, but such facts cannot and should not be considered superficially and above all cannot and must not permanently destroy, from within, the self-esteem of the guy who has betrayed (often inappropriate word) or who tends to sexualise affectivity.

Any situation can be changed profoundly if you really want it. Often, however, one gets the impression that the easiest choice is to abandon oneself to a basically passive and fatalistic position like: “I’m like that, I’m not trustworthy, I’m not worth anything!” Having betrayed your partner, even repeatedly, or having repeatedly sought sexual contact outside the couple doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t feel affection for that guy or that you don’t have a deep affective life, it could also be so, but it could also be exactly the opposite. One thing should never be forgotten: that for a guy, before sexuality there is the need to be loved in the family, to be respected and sought by friends and to find around him a dimension of understanding and constant attention.

Moralism and inability to understand the betrayal

People often show very biased and moralistic attitudes with regard to betrayal, but such attitudes are also very schematic and superficial and certainly don’t aim to understand what there can be behind betrayal.

These attitudes are generally deeply internalized by the guys who have betrayed the partner and thus produce self-condemnations without appeal, sometimes followed by depressive states that could be avoided by seeing betrayal as a sign of the couple’s discomfort and not as something that definitely brands the person who betrays with a kind of indelible stamp. Something very similar happens with the tendency to sexualize the affectivity that is too easily judged with completely inappropriate moralistic categories that are internalized and create profound suffering.

Self-esteem and feelings of guilt

Self-esteem is one of the pillars of individual well-being, but it is a pillar whose strength depends strongly on individual experience. One of the worst things that can be done is lower the self-esteem of a guy and paste on him a label of unreliable, sexual maniac or serial traitor. The reality is often completely different from how it is represented through these appellations.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-homosexuality-and-feelings-of-guilt

GAY THEMED OCD AND NAKEDNESS AT THE GYM

The following email is a particularly important document, it is not about a gay guy, but about a straight guy with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) characterized by the obsessive fear of being gay. Guys with gay-themed OCD submit compulsively to tests of erection in environments or situations of gay interest, and/or to tests of masturbation with gay fantasies, in order to determine their sexual orientation. Obviously for these guys the climate of the locker room of a gym is generally strongly anxiety-inducing. The hetero guy who wrote the email, very well followed at a psychological level and now about to exit OCD, has begun to attend the gym and the relative locker room and has managed to have, even in that environment, an excellent control of anxiety.

“Hello everyone! I have not written for some time, lately I’m quite absent from the forum, even if I’m in chat almost every night. Many times, in recent years, I happened to feel bad and I came to the forum to open a topic and ask for help and some advice on how to get out of the black moments. This time, however, the situation is opposite, I’m writing to you because I’m finally beginning to understand and accept myself for what I’m, a straight guy, without asking myself too many questions, without making too many problems. My self-esteem has greatly increased, both thanks to psychotherapy, where I put into practice with all my will the therapeutic strategies of my psychologist (I must thank him too, because without him I would never understood the mechanisms and automatisms of thought that had almost taken control of my mind, settling themselves within me), and thanks to my openness to experiences, where I also made many mistakes, but I learned from them.

Unfortunately, today I still suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I don’t deny that when I’m anxious, negative thoughts start to burst and this sometimes makes me very nervous. But the positive thing is that I finally recognized this automatism, and when the thoughts arrive I try to accept them for what they are, that is “thoughts”, as the word just says, which are images, words that are not real in that moment. The fact is that the thoughts provoke emotions, positive, if the thought concerns a beautiful thing and obviously, they cause negative emotions if the thought is negative. I now try to tolerate them, because I’m aware that a thought is a just a thought, and cannot represent reality. I take my life as it comes, with the positive and negative sides, and I try not to make a drama if someone tells me something rude. The negative thoughts are for me (but I think for everyone) a wake-up call, for example if I’m doing something and I start to fell anxious and I negative thoughts appear it means that I don’t really want to do it. I must thank these thoughts, I must thank the anxiety, which on one hand made me suffer like a dog, but on the other made me understand that the life I did until a few months ago, didn’t belong to me, I acted a character that I was not, and I did things I didn’t really want to do.

My life is changing, and positively, of course I have my black moments (like everyone) but I’m beginning to manage them effectively, and above all I try not to emphasize certain situations, which in reality are nonsense. I‘m becoming more elastic mentally, I accept my parents for what they are, I don’t judge them, even if they have judged me in the past, but in my heart I have forgiven them.

I am beginning to listen to myself, my real needs, my body, my sexual drives, I accept all this as normal things. When I’m among the people, I feel like them, neither superior nor inferior. In the past I tended to feel inferior, I judged myself as an incapable, a clumsy. Today when I talk to a person I look at that person straight in the eyes, sure of myself, I pronounce the words well when I speak, I feel at the same level. I don’t judge myself negatively if I don’t have any real friend yet, with whom I could go out on Saturday night.

I always say to myself that everything has its own time and that I must not be in a hurry. Already the fact that I can interact with people and especially with my peers (before I was afraid of my peers), is a big step forward for me and I’m happy for it. I’m sure that if I keep going on this way, showing myself for what I am (and I’m not just talking about my sexual orientation, but I mean everything), I’ll finally be able to find people who have the same sensitivity and with whom I can share good moments. I can finally see the positive aspects of life and I dwell on them, and when I can overcome my fears, I congratulate myself.

A month ago I joined the gym to improve my body and my mood. When I’m there I feel at home, it’s a beautiful environment, there are many quiet guys (and also very nice!) And sometimes I exchange a few words with them. The first few times, I didn’t want to take a shower there, I preferred to do it at home, because I was afraid of having an erection watching other naked guys, then a few weeks ago I decided to overcome this other fear of mine. This morning after the training I took a shower there, before entering the locker room I had a little anxiety, then I took courage and I entered. I started to undress, I took the bathrobe and the bubble bath and went in the shower. After the shower I went to put the underwear clean, to dress, dry my hair etc. etc., in short, all things that normally people do after physical exercises. But all this (apart from the initial anxiety) was accompanied by a sense of absolute freedom, I saw other naked guys and I felt a bit of sexual excitement, but only psychological, in the sense that physically I didn’t have erections.

But if I had had an erection, of course, I would have felt embarrassed, but just because I’m accepting sexuality for what it is, I would not have made many problems. While I was taking a shower and soaping my body and hair, I felt free from all fear, I felt the warm water on my body sliding slowly, the perfume of the bubble bath, the steam that surrounded me. I really relaxed and felt so natural, I was naked along with other naked guys, doing normal things, free from any negative thinking and from any worries. I was so at ease that I was a lot of time in the locker room, I did everything calmly, because there were a few guys, sometimes with the corner of the eye I looked at some penises but I’m very prudent and no one noticed it!

Then, when I was almost completely dressed, a gentleman of about 40 (maybe even less) entered, a sculpted and attractive physique. Even before, when I was doing the exercises in the gym, he had glanced at me and I had returned the glance, then in the locker room he started chatting: “and even today we trained…” and so we talked for a couple of minutes. Then, I finished dressing, I put the jacket on, we said goodbye and went away. When I got into the car, before starting the engine, I said to myself “very good, it went very well!!” and I came back home happy! Often, many of our fears are completely unfounded. The human mind is often a double-edged sword because (as said before) we listen to our thoughts and the famous “anxiety” arrives.

For example, this morning I was very worried about the shower in the gym, I even imagined scenes in which I had an erection in the locker room and someone made fun of me. Instead I experienced the exact opposite, but then again, an erection could happen in the future, but I will not make a problem because it is not. Living well with oneself and with one’s own sexuality is a wonderful thing, feeling one’s own instincts and having one’s own erotic imagery as a sort of private garden where we can only access ourselves with our imagination (this applies to everyone, gay or not) means to know yourself and feel good about yourself. I conclude with two thoughts that I wrote these days in moments of serenity:

1) “I feel good, but not because I’m all right, but because I accept the things that don’t go well without making a drama.”

2) “The charm of life is characterized by the mystery and uncertainty of every day, which are scary to each of us, but at the same time make life more beautiful and intriguing. I am convinced that if each of us knew his own future at the start, he would not even taste every little moment of life. Doubt and uncertainty are and MUST ABSOLUTELY BE PART of life, without them we couldn’t open ourselves to experiences and we couldn’t afford to make mistakes. In my opinion, a man who is not wrong, or doesn’t admit to having made a mistake at least once in his life, cannot be called a man.”

I wish all of you a good evening and happy Christmas holidays! A hug!”

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-themed-ocd-and-nakedness-at-the-gym

THAT THIN RUBBER WALL

Hello to all, people of the forum, and sorry for the long absence from the discussions, now that I have more free time I promise to participate more diligently. Here are some of my last year reflections; I would like to know what you think about it, or if you have had similar moments with your parents.

Let’s start from this assumption: I did my coming out with my mother in June last year. I thought everything would be pretty smooth with her: she’s an open person and has lots of homosexual friends and acquaintances. Before doing this great step I consulted with a cousin of mine, who has long known of my homosexuality, to ask him how he thought my mother could take it. He claimed that there would be no problems whatsoever; the same was told to me by a friend of my mother, a person whom I have always trusted a lot and to whom I had asked for advice in order to prepare my plan.

I still remember the scene: my mother had come to see me that day in the city where I was studying. I thought of telling her everything as soon as she arrived. For months I could not stand the silence, having to bypass certain questions, even on a simple “how are you?” or “what do you do?” In a word, I couldn’t stand anymore that I couldn’t be myself in front of her. The thing had become more acute after the previous month, May 2014, when I had begun the relationship with my current boyfriend. “So,” I told myself that morning, “as soon as she gets here, I’ll tell her.” Obviously I didn’t succeed. I waited, while we were in my house, to find the right moment. Since at such moments we are always kissed by the blindfolded goddess, what I never wanted to happen happened: by accidentally rummaging in a drawer, she found an old pornographic DVD (gay) of which I didn’t even remember the existence (I thought that I hadn’t it anymore). I took it from her hands, made a thousand improvised excuses and threw the DVD away within two seconds.

The moment I was patiently preparing the ground for my coming out, this was naturally a mess. The height of misfortune was reached when, by chance, a backpack fell from the top of my closet, opening itself and letting go out a box of condoms carefully hidden by me there. As they say: so lucky! All this, as well as unexpected, also seemed tragicomic to me. On either occasion my mother didn’t make a wrinkle; nevertheless my delicate and meticulously constructed plan to introduce the discourse had gone, to put it mildly, to hell. I remember that we went out, seemingly I was the the same guy as in the morning, but inside I cursed myself, for having forgotten the DVD there and for the unfortunate coincidence of the backpack.

We went to eat out in a restaurant. And there I told her everything, between one dish and another; I didn’t use the word gay or homosexual, I didn’t have time to speak clearly. I mentioned something I wanted to tell her and after a few tentative attempts she said to me: “Are you with a boyfriend?” And I replied: “Yes”, with the sensation of throwing myself headlong into a black chasm, where I hoped to find a soft surface that would have mitigated the fall, but it was not like that.

I still remember her gaze at that moment: it was as if a wasp had stung her; in her eyes I read for a moment her pain, an unexpected pain, never imagined. After about a second she came back to her usual way of doing, but there was a touch of coldness in the voice. I realized that my predictions were wrong, that I had thrown myself down and had banged my head violently. “I would have never imagined …”, she told me. “I know how sensitive you are, but I never would have imagined.” Then she resumed with an institutional, very cold tone. “it will take me a while to metabolize. It is not easy for us. No nephews (I am an only child n.d.r.). You did well to tell me. On the other hand we have a very close relationship. Many people never say these things, for a lifetime. Don’t tell dad, he would never understand. Perhaps, with the good that he wants you, one day maybe yes… or maybe not … it’s better to avoid, I think. The soup is tasty, isn’t it? We have to go back here, they make a nice home cooking.” I swear to you that at that moment I wanted to die. It had not gone well. I had hardly seen my mother, usually so warm with everyone, taking on such a cold attitude. At the exit she told me: “Well, hug me”. But it was not a hug, or at least, not one of those I had always received, this one was certainly the coldest. Then nothing more. I was very upset.

Then in the evening I forced myself to stop thinking about it. It was my last night in the city where I had studied and lived for four years and a furious storm raged, I had seen similar rains only during the monsoons. I had greeted my mother as if nothing had happened. In the following days we talked on the phone; she seemed much quieter, even cheerful. She simply told me she wanted to talk a little better with me about the thing. Several times I threw the hook, while she and I were alone at home, when I was home for the summer. We didn’t discuss a second time about it: every time I was about to start talking about it she stopped me saying that it was not the moment and nobody said anything more.

As you can imagine, the thing left me very melancholy. You must know that in the past I had a long relationship with a girl, which ended precisely when I decided to face reality and follow the true feelings that were in me. At that time my mother was always there to ask me how my girlfriend was, when I went to visit her etc. she kept also giving me money, without my request, so I could go and see her, since we were both away from home and during the holidays we lived in different regions.

Given this past, I would have expected a quite similar attitude, at least I would have expected she would ask me how I can meet with my current boy, since we are more than a thousand miles away, I expected that she would offer me help at least sometimes. For a year nothing. I am proud and, I have to admit, I have a tendency lately to shut myself up more than in other periods of my life, I have never asked for anything. Result: economic efforts to save money and buy airline tickets, and so far no problem, there is much worse in life and this is certainly not the problem for which I write here; rather, I was grieved that I continued to take planes for a whole year, once every two months, without saying anything to her. Indeed, I lied every time. I was pretending to be in France (where I currently live) and actually I was in Italy.

In such cases you have to behave like you were a spy: you must be careful never to turn off the phone because, in the event of an unexpected call, the interlocutor should not hear the answering machine of an Italian operator rather than one French; you must be careful never to use a credit card in Italy, because movements are traceable; you must call the landlady to avoid problems to rise in the days when you are away because she could call your parent’s home in Italy; you must invent days never lived and, what is still worse, and has always been unacceptable for me , you have to lie on the phone every night, inventing imaginary stages in radio astronomy that allow only a few minutes of phone calls a day due to radio screens in proximity to the tools (yes, I also invented this). Is not it horrible to have to lie like that, moreover to your mother? And all this because I was afraid of the rubber wall that I found in front of me, not hostile but not friendly, not contrary but not favorable. And I lived and I still live with terror that my father can discover the thing (in which case the catastrophe is assured).

Last April I had resigned myself to the painful idea that in my mother’s eyes I was no longer the same; I felt less loved and, behind all the good speeches, I saw the sad truth that “the majority of parents would not want to have a gay son.” No, they would want a gay son “but” they would prefer avoid such a opportunity. Then if it happens, they show to accept it, or at least maybe they try, but … And into this “but” the figure of my mother is drowned until recently. Then, in April, precisely during one of her visits to the foreign city where I currently live, she asked me for detailed information about my boyfriend, G., offering me the support that long ago would have been the norm.

I reassured myself, and in these months my hopes have increased. Of course, not everything goes well, in the sense that the subject is rather a taboo. I don’t know if my mother will ever get to love me just because I’m homosexual, going from “it is so and I’m not pleased, but I love you the same” to “I love you just because you are homosexual and you’re happy to be, because you’ve had the courage to take the reins of your life and you have a wonderful love story with G.” Perhaps I’m claiming for too much, indeed, almost certainly, but I wonder: is it so difficult for some parents to leave aside, even in lucky cases like mine, the irrational fear dictated by years of backward education on the subject, consolidated with age? I don’t know, have you had similar experiences? Or your coming out finished unexpectedly? A great greeting to all. I promise from now on to write more on the forum!

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-that-thin-rubber-wall

FORM PRETENDED STRAIGHT TO GAY AT AGE 30

Hello Project, 
31, almost married, I say almost because in the end I did not get married, it was impossible for me, my girlfriend and I had planned our wedding in six months. I used to think that the idea of marrying would put an end to my problems, but I was beginning to feel trapped, I hadn’t said anything to my girlfriend. According to her all things  were going very well because I was able to have satisfactory sexual intercourse with her, but I imagined I was with a guy and that was the only way I could get excited. In practice I imagined her completely devoid of her femininity and also endowed with male sexual attributes. The more I realized that it was not so, the more I felt disappointed. 
She wanted me and did everything to excite me, there was some physical response but she didn’t really excite me at all. We have never had penetrative intercourses, I would not have really made it, in short I felt almost a sense of repulsion, I felt it quite as a violence on myself, and so at six months from the final choice I told her, but also to her family and mine, that I didn’t feel like getting married. My God! What happened! My mother thought I had another girl and my now ex-girlfriend thought it too, they bombarded me with questions of all kinds, they thought of everything, but the idea that I could be gay didn’t even touch them, perhaps only my father had some doubt. With my ex-girlfriend and her family the break could not be more traumatic than it was, with my parents things went differently, for my mother my ex was right to think that I betrayed her, from my father, the response was that if I didn’t feel at ease I did well to break before the marriage.
Now they expect (my mother certainly) from me that I bring home another girl, according to them such a thing is obvious and necessary, but in reality I not only have no girl to bring home but I should bring home a guy and moreover much younger than me, ten years younger than me. If I did something like that I don’t even imagine the reaction. They certainly don’t suspect at all that I’m gay (some doubt “maybe” my father) and that I can be with one who is ten years younger than me, even if my father is 16 years older than my mother, but they are straight and this is considered normal. 
I met my boyfriend a year ago. We met on the train, during a trip to Hungary. A good part of the trip was at night, in an almost deserted train, on the carriage there would have been 5/6 people and we had a compartment just for us. We talked a lot, then he fell asleep on the seats and it was just beautiful to be in front of him, by the way, is also a nice guy. Then he woke up and we started talking again, inevitably about girls (speech started by him) and told me that “it was not his kind”. I looked at him in amazement and he asked me: “And you?” And at that point I told him the truth. 
The embarrassment but also the mutual interest was enormous, he asked me about my experiences on a sexual level and I told him that I had never been with anyone, except for a bit of petting, even pushed, but with girls, and he replied that he too had never been with anyone but that he wanted it to happen only if he really fell deeply in love with another guy. We exchanged cell phone numbers. He told me so many things about the family, in short, a nice climate has been created. We spoke until arrival. He got off the train before me. 
That journey literally shocked my life. I was hoping with all my strength that he would call me and it happened, then we met often when he returned to Italy because he lives in a city that is 20 minutes by train from mine. So we always spent Sunday together. I felt for him an infinite tenderness and I wanted him and also on a sexual level but given what he had told me I never took a step that could put him in trouble. At first I had not told him anything about my ex-girlfriend, but then I had to tell him and there I understood that he had fallen in love with me. 
He reacted with panic, he was very worried, he told me that I should not get into trouble but he always talked about me and never about himself, in the end he told me clearly that his dream would be with me, because I had shamelessly tried to get in touch with him, and he kissed me for the first time. After two days I truncated with my ex-girlfriend. I really wanted to have sex with him but for months I never did it because I felt like I was somehow going to do something wrong. We saw each other, we went out, we were fine together, I was very tempted but I tried to avoid, then we finally got there. He took the initiative and I let him do. 
It was not a thing of sex, it was a deep need both his and mine. When I hugged him, I felt a total transport, I never had the slightest doubt that my boyfriend could only be him. With me he is very tender but also very determined, has its ideas in mind and I really like this, we can say that I am also happy that in practice the choices are made especially by him, because in the end he does what I would do even if maybe I would not have the courage to say it. I’m fine with him and I think he’s fine with me (he knows about this mail, I made him read it). 
But what will we do now that we have arrived at this point? I think we are now a real couple but he is at university and will have to study for a few years. How can we think of a couple life? His parents don’t know anything about us but wouldn’t take it well, especially since I’m 10 years older than him. In practice we still need the support of our families for quite a few years. He doesn’t seem worried about this, he says that what matters is that I am there and that the fact that others know can only be one more problem, not an extra freedom. 
He does not even want to hear about a possible coming out or even about making plans too long. I would always like to have him with me and instead we see each other at most once a week. I don’t complain, for heaven’s sake, in fact I consider myself very lucky but I dream of being able to live with him, in a house of ours, fallig asleep in his arms, but now the situation is stalemate and will remain so for years. A I feel inside bit of melancholy, because I found a wonderful guy but I cannot live with him the life that I would like and he too would like. And it could be so easy to experience total happiness! 
If you want to publish the story, he agrees. A hug, Project. 
Former solitary traveler
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-form-pretended-straight-to-gay-at-age-30

FEAR OF BEING GAY

I saw on the forum the section “understand to be gay” and I would like to ask Project to put this story in that section. I don’t think my story is very common, now I know in person some gay guys but they have very different experiences from mine, in the sense that they have always felt gay. For me it was not like that. I grew up in full conviction of being straight and I brought this idea with me in practice without any failure until the age of 21 and beyond. 
I had my first sexual contact with a girl around the age of 16, at 18 I had my first full intercourse with a girl and I liked it as do all the straight guys. I loved sex with girls, and I also loved them on an emotional level. In short, they were the only real object of my sexual fantasies. At 19 I got engaged with Martina (the name is invented) the same girl with whom I had my first intercourse. Together we were very well, even on a sexual level. I felt really satisfied. I don’t say it just to say, it was exactly like that. I was born in September and then I was already 21 years old. Martina gave me the best gift I could wish for. We went out together three days and they were dream days! This is the premise.
I come back from the three days with Martina on Sunday evening, the next day I go to university and I come to know that the professor of genetics with whom I had to do the thesis would no longer have been our teacher. It bothered me. I tried to understand what an end I would have done. All the students in my group would have been assigned to the genetics professor of the other channel who was not specifically a molecular geneticist. However there was not much to do.
The first lesson would have been the next day at 9.00 in the morning. The next day at 8.30 I was in front of the classroom and, according to my old habit, I looked around searching for the most beautiful colleague. I see a pretty good girl, I follow her, I sit next to her and I try to have a chat until the professor arrives, then, turning around casually backwards, I cross the gaze of a guy I had never seen, probably one of the other channel. I don’t pay any attention to him at the moment, then the thing is repeated and I notice that the guy watching me, as soon as I turn away immediately looks away. He is farther behind me so he can watch me carefully while I cannot turn around … but I know he is there and he is watching me. But what does he have to watch? 
Then the lesson ends, I turn around but he is gone, I feel almost upset for this, then I turn to my pretty colleague, but I’m distracted, significantly distracted. I’m not thinking of the guy … but not even of the girl. I didn’t know why, but the thought of that guy comes back to me from time to time, I wondered if I had already seen him elsewhere but I didn’t think so, I tried to find a reason why he was watching but I could not find any but I kept thinking about the situation. Then I forget these things, in the afternoon I go back to my usual things and don’t think about that guy for a while … then in the evening all the tory comes back to my mind, I say to myself: “But what is he looking for?” 
The next day I see him again, he is much more cautious, obviously he doesn’t want me to catch him while he observes me. The game of looks distracts me even during the lesson. I don’t know what to do, it bothers me that you look at me like that … I promise to make him understand … I turn a bit while the professor is turned to the blackboard and I catch him looking at me, with my hand I wave him, as if to say. “What do you want?”, He makes me understand that he will tell me at the interval … and I wait for the interval to understand what it is … the bell sounds the end of the lesson. 
I go out, he approaches me, I ask him: “But we know each other?” And he answers me “Unfortunately no …”. I don’t even understand the meaning of that “unfortunately” and ask him: “But why do you observe me?” He replies: “Because you are a beautiful guy …” and in saying so he becomes red and turns his eyes to the other side. I didn’t expect at all an answer like that … I just told him: “What are you talking about?!” and I left but all the situation disturbed me deeply. I felt a bit like a whore to have been approached in such a direct way and then, with my parameters of that time, that a guy could tell another guy something like the one that he had said to me, it seemed to me completely absurd … I had never hated gays, for me they simply didn’t exist, he was the first gay guy I met … and he made me a half declaration … I was upset, agitated, almost offended, I felt dirty because I had been desired by another guy, it seemed a strange thing, unnatural … 
In short, I thought about it all afternoon … then in the evening I saw Martina, I have said “I saw” her just to say that we have withdrawn to save our privacy as we always used to do. Between us the confidence was total, I told her the story and she replied: “Well … He’s just a pansy!” And she said it in a tone that I didn’t absolutely like. For a moment I hated her, but, afterwards, the anger has passed and we made love … but while we were making it, occasionally I remembered that guy and this thought bothered me. I didn’t say anything to Martina because I didn’t like her previous reaction. How strange are things! … With a girl you go to bed and then you don’t tell her what you think! But it was exactly what was happening to me. 
I came home angry with myself … it was the first time I didn’t tell Martina all the truth and why? For an idiot who told me something in a gay language … I didn’t understand why such a thing could happen, I couldn’t be influenced by stupid things like that … but in fact he had said only a few words, stupid as you want but just a few words … it was me who was going into crisis because of those stupid words. The next morning I saw him at the university, he didn’t approach me and pretended nothing and I was sorry … I said to myself: “No problem! This guy tells everyone what he told me!” But I was angry that he pretended not to see me and then I took the initiative, I approached him and greeted him with a hello, he replied with a smile, as if to say: “I’m here … don’t worry”. 
There was a kind of challenge between me and him. Martina is not in my faculty, but in my faculty there was a girl I liked very much, Anna, when I saw that guy approaching me I almost instinctively hugged her and she said to me: “What are you doing?” After a couple of weeks like this and after some discomfort with Martina for stupid reasons, I decided to talk with that guy and tell him to leave me alone. One day at the end of classes I stop him because I wanted to get to some sort of settlement, I ask him to talk, we go to public gardens, given the time there were few people. 
I tell him he must leave me alone and he looks at me and tells me: “What have I done to you?” I don’t know what to say … I tell him: “You don’t have to tease me! Do you understand?” He says to me: “I would never do it” … I tell him: “And do you remember what you said to me that day?” He replies: “Ah, ok, that you’re a nice guy … “. I ask him: “Are you gay?” He replies: “Yes”. I reply in turn with a lot of determination: “Not me! And I don’t care about you! I’ve got a girlfriend and I’m fine with her!” He says, “So where’s the problem?” As I spoke I watched him. 
He was not a flashy guy but he was sweet … I wanted to touch him, he had very nice hands … and an incredible smile. I smile at him in turn and say to him: “Do you think a gay and a straight can be friends?” He replies yes with his head and smiles. We talked a bit, then we exchanged cell phone numbers and we said goodbye. I was happy with how things had gone. I liked that guy. I said to myself: “But it’s really a nice guy …” and immediately afterwards I thought: “What the hell I’m going to think …”. 
In the evening I thought to tell everything to Martina because otherwise I seemed to betray her trust. I did it and she replied: “What have you done!?” I told her: “But look, I didn’t go to bed with him …”, she looked at me with a sense of repulsion and said: “My God! Are you gay too? … no! it’s impossible!” I then felt 100% straight, I hugged her, etc. etc. but I did it only to show that I was not gay, in the end she melted and I was happy: for me that was the first time I made love because I had to make it … but she didn’t notice it. 
The next day I see Mark at the university, he accompanies me with the car, I tell him that the night before I made love with my girlfriend and that it was beautiful, he looks at me and says: “I envy you … to me nothing like this has ever happened … “. I asked him and he told me about himself. No sexual experiences! He says that he really tried with me because I inspired him a lot, he says that I have not disappointed him and that having a real friend is beautiful, even if he is straight because maybe some straight guys understand you more than gays. The speech strikes me a lot and I decide to tell him the truth. I tell him: “What I told you is not true … yesterday I made love with my girlfriend but I did it by force, to show her that I’m not gay, because I told her about you and she reproached me and told me that if I want to be your friend I’m gay too …”. 
Talking with Mark was reassuring because he tended to say that I could only be straight, but I had several doubts on my mind and then I liked Mark physically, so, only on an aesthetic level. We say goodbye. In the evening I had to see Martina, I call her and tell her I’m not fine, she’s perplexed and tells me: “But is it perhaps for the story of that guy?” I say “No!”. Inside of me I knew it was not true. The next day I see Mark who takes me back home in the car. 
When we are near my home he stops and we start talking. I get excited, it was the first time I had an erection just by being in the car near Mark. I was very embarrassed, I made a shield with the raincoat and I went down the car … He didn’t notice anything. I said to myself: “Damn! So that’s true! … But I don’t love him, I know almost nothing about him, this is just gay attraction without love and then I don’t want to be gay, it makes no sense that I can be gay, I cannot psychologically depend on Mark … “. 
But while I was doing all this reasoning, I had him always before my eyes and not only, the erection didn’t  show signs of decline … in short, I masturbate thinking of him, then I think I should be worried, anguished … but no! No way! In my mind there was only the idea that it was beautiful and that he would like being with me and that he had never said nonsense about my previous hetero life. 
The next day I see him and I tell him how things went, I expect his enthusiastic response and instead he is very cautious, he is happy but tells me something that I never would have expected: “Luke, I love you, but it’s not a game, you don’t have to prove anything to me, I love you even if you’re straight, I love you as a person because you treated me with respect and because gay or straight I fell in love with you, but you don’t have to go wrong you have to do always and only what you spontaneously feel you have to do … “. The only gesture he did was of tenderness he took my hand and hold it very tightly between his. Everything started like this.
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-fear-of-being-gay

HOW TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE NOT GAY

Hello project,
I am a 23 year old guy who doesn’t know what to think about himself. For some time now the idea of being homosexual is wandering in my mind. I’m a bit effeminate and I must say that I cannot deny that I have some homosexual drive (and perhaps also a gay love) but the problem is that I’m not sure, if I have to mentally define the person that suits to me defining also his/her sex, I have many difficulties, I had a guy with whom there was an intense “friendship” (also resulted in sex) ended because he didn’t accept what he felt for me (while I would have done everything to be with him in an official way), I was there ready to do my coming out when, however, reasoning on (although at the moment I had no obstacle in front of me) I decided that it was not the time and that I had to keep living in uncertainty. 
But a year and a half ago, through a friend of mine of the university, I met a girl and more and more started to feel for her a new affection, an affection that grew to become love, a beautiful love, complete, sexually satisfying. But in me I felt that even though I was very well with her my past (the phantom of the story lived with the guy) could ruin everything, and furthermore I must add that when I felt anguish for that event I also experienced strong homosexual drives (I masturbated thinking alternately of my girlfriend and of that guy) I alternated moments of serenity with myself at times when I was (and am even now) restless. The restlessness became stronger and stronger when it was becoming increasingly possible that my girlfriend and I (she is still my girlfriend) went to live together in a new city, just she and I, and I had not revealed my ghost to her. 
So I started to think that it was time for me to tell her the truth and so it was also because the guilt was now wearing me down, I tell her everything in tears with the fear of losing her (even now the only idea of losing her makes me feel bad). Yet it is time for me to put a point to my life and finish my limbo, but understanding is difficult, you tell me that masturbation is the strongest element to understand my tendency, well now I cannot have sexual fantasies and, believe me, the most frustrating thing is that even if I have an erection while I masturbate I have no erotic thoughts while I do it, I also try to focus on one or the other sex but if I come it’s practically by inertia. On the contrary I must say that I still make love with my girlfriend, it is one of the things that manage to calm my anxiety and not only because I feel less gay but because I am with her, her hug, and kisses, her caresses calm me down and make me feel loved and happy. With her I have reached for a year the ataraxia of the senses, I felt complete, satisfied, happy. 
Now her presence makes me serene, quiet, I speak with her, I laugh with her, I exchange cuddles with her and make love (nice, tender) with her, and nevertheless the fact of not being able to give me a “label”, to put a point to my sexual orientation makes me restless, on the one hand I would strongly like to be gay, selfishly and paradoxically I find it easier than being in my limbo. I would also like to be heterosexual, but also here for a mental process of acceptance of my homosexual part I try to leave out the hetero side focusing on the homo one, then there is the problem of the bond with my girlfriend, I really think I love her, I miss her when she’s not there and when I’m sick she’s the person I want most next to me. 
The idea of being able to leave her hurts me and the idea of being able to share her with others hurts me even more, I love her viscerally, possessively (even if I have to say not morbidly), she knows that there is a part of me that would strongly be gay and yet at the very idea of having to lose her I could paradoxically feel more discomfort than if I discovered to be homosexual in itself, it is such a strong love for a woman, so visceral and sexual at the same time that, if I have to think about love with someone, she is certainly at the center of everything. 
Apart from the emotional component (quite confused since always) because I have always been surrounded by so many girls and a few male figures of reference (I lost my father at age 8) and because I have few male friends (not for fear of being able to fall in love but because I can’t stand the machismo of many guys), I feel my few male friends as really friends because they have a strong sensibility like me. Things are even stranger on a physical level. 
Female breasts turn me on, touching them, licking them, griping them, etc. and I like to explore with my fingers the female genitals, I really like anal and oral sex, while I practice less the vaginal one for practical reasons (and here you will blame me for sure, I don’t use condoms and I prefer to “come” inside) and also for reasons of sexual desire (I have the penis a bit small and not very big in diameter, and therefore I feel more excitement in the anal canal because it is smaller). As for the guys, instead, 
I have to say I tried to have passive anal sex (I tried only but I didn’t really) and I have to say I didn’t feel pleasure, I don’t enjoy anal self-stimulation (the feeling of pleasure is very minimal indeed is definitely less strong than the “normal” feeling), the only pleasure I felt (and that comes close to the feelings I feel when I’m with my girlfriend) is to suffer fellatio, I practiced fellatio but it didn’t excite me much, the naked body of a man doesn’t really excite me but the sex between two men excites me. In all this there is my difficulty in physically falling in love with a person or rather I am struck not by the beauty but by the sensitivity of people. 
The sexual fantasies too, let’s say that it is very conditioned not so much by morality but by the fact that I don’t have real erotic fantasies (it must be said that I generally have difficulty imagining anything), I practice sex frequently, but after I have been cuddled for a while (at least when I’m with my girlfriend), with that guy I have to say it was more an outburst in response to the frustrations of the situation (all obviously hidden) and sometimes the excitement of the forbidden. The partial (because at the time I had no qualms) repulsion, and the love I felt for that guy, led me to live the thing with increased feelings. 
I had the same sensations magnified at the same time with a girl, now with my current girlfriend, but what I miss is the sense of complicity that you have between guys and male hugs (but here I must say that I didn’t have the paternal figure for all the years of adolescence and puberty and this increases the decompensation and the lack). Sorry if I was very long and very paranoiac, I’m one of those who think a lot even when not needed but who have the habit (unfortunately) of getting tired at some point of doing things rashly (and here I’m afraid to declare myself homosexual, simply because I got tired of feeling bad).
p. s. Another important thing: my family and some friends of mine know my doubts and I had the impression that none of them accepted me, but they often tell me “I don’t care what you are, but your being well”. I conclude by thanking you.
p.s. the mail is also my msn contact in case you want to talk to me live (and I would) add me. Thanks again.
 
The following is my answer.
 
Hello, I read your email twice, but frankly I too would have doubts in considering you gay. You have built an affective relationship with your girlfriend that seems really deep and you live with her a satisfying sexuality, which would be almost impossible for a gay. You may have had gay instincts in the past, you can have them even now and you may have them in the future, but frankly assuming you are really bisexual, possible but not too likely hypothesis, the impression is that heterosexuality is still clearly prevalent. 
You say you fell in love with a guy once and you would have done everything for him but when the thing was over, you didn’t find another guy but a girl and with that girl you lived and live now a relationship of sexual tenderness, but as you describe it, it looks like a relationship that has a remarkable affective depth. I wouldn’t even worry so much about the fact that masturbation sometimes has gay orientation because it doesn’t seem related to a true emotional dimension but to other motivations. 
I have some doubts because you say that you miss male hugs, which makes me think that you are not wholly heterosexual. But, let’s be clear, a guy’s sexuality cannot be pigeonholed but it’s what it is. It is all about not considering it anxiously, living it in a true emotional dimension and, from what I read, your true emotional dimension is clearly hetero. Never create too many problems in terms of sexual practices, when you are two and you get along there are never problems. 
On one point, however, you absolutely must be careful, especially for the type of sexuality that you practice, I talk about prevention! I tell you for you and your girlfriend, doing the test is easy and then if it’s negative and if you have not had intercourses with other people in the last six months you can be 100% free and serene. If you like, we can deepen the speech on msn, I added you on msn, however this is my contact [omissis] You can call me when you like “even if you don’t see me online” because on msn, to be able to devote myself to chats with guys without receiving too many calls, I must set to “invisible” i.e. I never appear as online even if I’m online almost from three in the afternoon to two in the night and often beyond. If by any chance you don’t find me, because maybe I had to go out, don’t worry, the opportunity to meet in chat will not fail anyway. 
A hug. 
Project
 
CHAT WITH MARK
Mark writes: hello Project are you there?
Project writes: Hello! Nice to meet you! I read your mail
Mark writes: my pleasure, first of all thank you for answering me so quickly
Project writes: Don’t mention it! In fact I was late because today there was a chat storm
Mark writes: I guess, there are many people who have problems of this kind, sentimental I mean 
Project writes: yes, look, even working 10 hours a day I can barely keep up with everything
Mark writes: anyway your email has been very important. It made me understand things that I wouldn’t have understood by myself
Project writes: Look, in the matter concerning sexuality the fundamental thing is to never be taken by anxiety, not to test yourself just to test your own reactions, don’t think that there are a priori definitions to which we must correspond, the fundamental thing is serenity, true sexuality has only one enemy and it is anxiety
Mark writes: well then I must struggle hard because I have always been anxious especially in emotional ties, I tie myself with very few people because the biggest fear for me is that of abandonment
Project writes: not only for you, I would say that for all serious guys it is so. Mark, as I told you in the mail, what you write doesn’t have much of gay 
Mark writes: many people tell me so, in fact they say that during this period I have accentuated the gay component of my being, leaving the straight one and I admit that I did it and in my mail I concentrated all my doubts, while I didn’t talk about the certainties for example that while I was with that guy I felt the need for physical sex with a women and even when I masturbated.
Project writes: this fact only confirms that, if you are not 100% straight, the gay part is however clearly the minority share. But which gay guy who has a boyfriend would masturbate thinking of a girl?
Mark writes: or things such as the fact that I don’t live anxiously the friendship with a gay indeed I have to say that I don’t feel anxiety at all because many of the gays whom I know are serious, I really like talking to them but I don’t feel any sexual drive towards them.
Project writes: this is a further confirmation that there is very little gay
Mark writes: then add, in the relationship I had with the guy, the component of the lack of the male reference figure, at that time I had replaced it with him
Project writes: how old was the guy?
Mark writes: he was my age but was much more mature than me
Project writes: I don’t see him very much as a substitute figure anyway if he had had  10/15 years more than you, perhaps it could have been still possible.
Mark writes: the problem is that in him I saw first and foremost and strongly tried to save the friendship that bound us because we began to talk and to get closer precisely because after a friend of mine had lost his father I relived what I had passed, the trauma of abandonment for death and I looked for a masculine figure that could somehow act also as a brother (I don’t even have older brothers) 
Project writes: if this guy, being a coetaneous, had a reassuring value for you, at the limit. . . as a brother ok it’s possible.
Mark writes: I then add that I came from a period when I was feeling emotionally quite alone and that the more I talked to him the more the desire to end up together came out, while interest in him was growing up at the beginning only at emotional level and then also at sexual one, I realized that he was becoming a reference model almost absolute for me in the sense that I wanted to be like him, I almost venerated him
Project writes: but you say that for this guy you have felt the emotional and even sexual interest growing up, but how did you realize that for you he was not just a friend? Did it all come spontaneous or did you feel it strange and maybe you tried to reject it?
Mark writes: reject it no, I would say that I followed the evolution of my emotions, the desire to hug him or rather to make him embrace me, to be pampered at first a bit like a loving father do with his child, only after I unconsciously started to feel it as something sexual, when I realized that nobody mentally managed to get close to me as he did, I thought he really understood me, then even if I had strong male friendships, his friendship was linked to the fact that he accepted me as I was (only later he tried to change me)
Project writes: in what sense?
Mark writes: in the sense that I have some skeletons in the closet, one of these is that I come from a family of those that are object of suspect and this for me was always a very big shame, when I told him this thing, he accepted me, he also accepted what I called diversity, a point of distance from the affection of the other people (because since always even if my family is questionable, or rather doesn’t have a good reputation, I have always been a type who saw in the degree and in education the goal to be reached in order to wash myself the shame of being the son of questionable people. He accepted me, in fact he found me nice, interesting, sensitive and at the same time free from mental schemes, almost a progressive. I felt accepted and somehow linked to this person who had managed to go beyond what many people unfortunately couldn’t overcome. You can understand that having a person who finally made me feel good and with whom I felt myself could only please me. For a guy who has always lived his sexuality related to affectivity, it was natural that the sincere affection I felt for him could turn into love
Project writes: The thing was born in a true emotional climate
Mark writes: yes
Project writes : a question, but before this guy how did you perceive your sexuality? That is, has the gay attraction begun with him or there have been previous episodes with other guys?
Mark writes: please, define attraction for me
Project writes: did you try, before him, sexual urges and strong affective interest for other guys?
Mark writes: mmm. . . no affective interest, sexual impulses like the desire to kiss or embrace or make love with a man… yes … or better no
Project writes: I didn’t understand
Mark writes: affectively I have never felt bonded to other guys if not for normal friendship, and I not even felt sexual impulses such as wanting to hug, kiss, shake hands and so on for a guy, no… never 
Project writes: when you met that guy how old were you?
Mark writes: 22 or rather 21
Project writes: and up to 21/22 years your masturbation ad been exclusively in hetero key?
Mark writes: yes
Project writes: this is a very important thing that still confirms the idea that there is very little gay 
Mark writes: I must say I also tried to masturbate thinking of a guy then, but I didn’t get excited
Project writes: these are all elements that go in the same direction and at 22 sexuality is already well defined and was totally straight
Mark writes: but I must say that some think that I was a bit effeminate from the beginning and that’s why I felt the anxiety of being gay, anyway never repressed, sometimes I tried to force myself concentrating on guys and trying to enjoy such fantasies but the only thing that I achieved at most was that objectively the guy seemed nice to me, but as for sensations nothing at all
Project writes: very clear
Mark writes: that is, I made myself doubt because in my kind ways and in my privacy some saw the characteristics of the gays
Project writes: yes, okay but the speech doesn’t make sense
Mark writes: I know. But you know how it is, tell it today and tell it tomorrow…
Project writes: a gay is a guy who feels emotional and sexual attraction to guys and being gay has nothing to do with the fact that people expect you to be so
Mark writes: I know
Project writes: it is something that strictly affects the emotional and sexual sphere and not the social one
Mark writes: then there is the fact that if they asked me if I was gay, a bit for challenge and a little because I didn’t like to answer questions that I felt intimate, I answered “for the moment no, maybe then who knows”, but this is not the important thing, anyway I have always experienced homosexuality as something that doesn’t frighten me and prejudices frighten me even less.
Project writes: yes ok, but don’t be afraid of homosexuality, having gay friends and so on doesn’t mean to be gay
Mark writes: among other things to defuse the homosexuality I have to say that I often find a serious gay guy much more like me than a macho but I don’t want to fall into the gay-artist paradigm
Project writes: just like many gay guys get along well with their straight friends but not with some gay friends
Mark writes: there are gay guys with whom I can talk freely about my true political interests, art and history
Project writes: ok, let’s go back to the guy, so in such a serious emotional climate, you who were not afraid of homosexuality have come to a sexual contact with him, ok, and did such a contact create problems, feelings of guilt or things like that?
Mark writes: the feelings of guilt were born only because then I put myself with a girl and for more than a year I kept the thing hidden.
Project writes: feelings of guilt towards the guy or the girl?
Mark writes: towards her, the girl, the guy is a nasty born, damn him, excuse the outburst
Project writes: why did the relationship with that guy change?
Mark writes: but I gave him so much, he didn’t accept what he felt for me, but I was willing
Project writes: Do you mean he felt hetero?
Mark writes: yes and no
Project writes: I didn’t understand
Mark writes: he said he was straight, I don’t have the gayradar so I cannot tell if he was really gay I just know that he felt much more revulsion than me, rather I have to say the truth, perhaps he instilled in me the feeling of disgust at the time for what was or seemed to be really inside me, because to self-convince that he was not gay he wanted me to not to be either  
Project Writes: who of the two led the other slowly towards gay sexuality?
Mark writes: we got there together, I was the most uninhibited in the sense that I was not interested in the judgment of others nor if I could do something that I would have been blamed for, I wanted to live in serenity the affection I felt for him and that’s why I had no longer moral problems
Project writes: in essence it was a sexual drift not foreseen but accepted, at least by you and less than him, more than a real sexual interest
Mark writes: then as his frustration with what was happening had bothered me a bit and anyway I felt that in our relationship I lacked the female physicality (I told you that even if I don’t consider sex too much important, I’m not asexual and I live platonic love up to a certain point) I started to have real relationships with girls, in particular with one with whom, in addition to feeling physically attracted, I noticed a certain mental understanding, but always thinking that if he had wanted to take the big step with me I would have followed him, then it must be said that a bond as strong as that I had with him I didn’t want it to end, so, after a soft aut aut (like “if you go with that girl our relationship will inevitably change, you will neglect me and I will have to turn away from you”) I could not think of a life without his presence, I interrupted my search for “sexual” and “affective” pleasure with the girls, dedicating myself to him, accepting toads like: “Wait for me I must first try with girls” or “We must stay only friends” and then in October he started to break away from me, he said I was sticky and stressed, so we decided only to stay friends, but in December, after he deceived me (in the sense that I wanted him to be present at my confirmation, he promised it but didn’t do it), I asked him for explanations and he told me that he didn’t want to be my best friend anymore, but that if I wanted we could be just friends of a group. I had sacrificed so much for him and also inhibited my hetero drives because of him and started a psychological therapy of self-acceptance of being homosexual, nevertheless I decided to permanently break the relationship with him and now we still barely say goodbye to each other
Project writes: but also all this story seems rather an experience “to try” in a pleasant affectionate climate, at least at the beginning, of course, that then took a “very relatively” sexual meaning
Mark writes: later I started to deepen the friendship with the girl, until  this afternoon when I told her that, even in my identity crises, even as a gay, I could never live without having her close to me as my girlfriend and that to her (always in the grip of my crisis) I was giving myself completely and she had the power to determine my life. I know I have exaggerated, life is mine and I have to hold on to it, but the only idea that I can lose such a rare good (as she is) makes me live the tension of not having a future. Today I also said to myself out loud “I’m gay” just because she told me that in order to start our relationship again she wanted me to clarify what I was and because I’m too honest with her I said I was gay because I don’t want self-deceive in the sense that I don’t want to be heterosexual if I’m not but at the same time I could not tell you that I could be “gay convinced”
Project writes: I would say certainly you are not
Mark writes: believe me, sometimes these days, I wanted to be gay because, excuse frankness, but I find being gay easier than being bisexual, and it’s paradoxical, certainly this is because usually one tries to take refuge in bisexuality to hide his homosexuality, but I wanted to shelter my sexuality in homosexuality
Project writes: direct question: but now is your masturbation totally dedicated to your girlfriend?
Mark writes: mmm. . . yes I would say yes, when I masturbated thinking of him it was only because I wanted to recover the feelings I felt for him and if lately I tried to excite myself thinking of guys I did it only to understand what I was, but I have to say something, 70% of my masturbation I do it to download the anxiety, I find it a good anti-stress
Project writes: you said it in the mail
Mark writes: what? Ah yes I remember, yes yes, not because I don’t have a sexual desire, is that masturbation is relaxing and often has no subject, it’s just a mechanical act (degrading I know)
Project writes: can you find a motivation for your masturbation only physical and without fantasies?
Mark writes: it relaxes me, I’ve always lived it like that, you know some say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, for me masturbating every now and then is a release from stress that can be university, problems with the girl, with the family, and I come to the absurd that I can even masturbate while I study for an exam, it’s strange, I know
Project writes: well in a similar situation there are few sexual fantasies
Mark writes: in fact, 70% of my masturbation is linked to the simple opportunity to do it without even a sexual desire, simply because handling my dick makes me feel more cheerful after and relaxed. 30% is instead related to what I do with my girlfriend and if you don’t mind listening to descriptions I tell you that often when I do it thinking of her in the end the prevailing idea is that it would have been more satisfying if she had been there. That’s all. Anxiety is perhaps the element that pushes me more to think of labeling me and doesn’t allow me to live my relationship serenely. 
Project writes: I can tell you something
Mark writes: tell me
Project writes: namely that if before, only from the email, I had thought that you could be bisex with strong hetero propensity, after talking with you in chat I’m going to convince that you have nothing gay, that is to date you have a 70% neutral masturbation and totally straight for the rest, so no trace of gay fantasies, before the story with the guy you were 100% hetero and history with the guy doesn’t even seem a sexual story but only a friendly relationship, and maybe a need of affection that has sexualized, but I don’t find the typical way of reacting the gay guys, your affectivity is now totally polarized on your girl and from what you say it seems just (and I see no reason to question it) that you are satisfied even on the sexual level of the relationship, drawing conclusions, apart from the anxiety, I see nothing real that leads me to think that you are homosexual even at the minimum level
Mark writes: well, yes
Project writes: you have just the way of behaving of a typical straight guy and a straight guy not frustrated. I don’t see doubts of sexual orientation in objective terms, I don’t want to diminish things that may seem to you to be problematic but being gay with the things you live now but also with the story of the guy as you lived it, has very little to do
Mark writes: however there is another thing that I have always in mind about my sexuality since I lived the story with the guy and it is that I have gay friends, ok, but if I had to see something sexual between two guys, the memory would bring me to what I’ve done and I’d feel (now, after I engaged with my girlfriend) a bit strange, sometimes, rarely, and it depends not so much on the gesture but on the sexual tension that is felt between the two people, I can also get hard, but it also happens if I see something sexual between two normal hetero partners or two lesbians, what excites me is not what I’m seeing but the feeling of sexual tension that I perceive between the two protagonists
Project writes: did you ever use pornography to masturbate?
Mark writes: yes, but it’s not a very developed side.
Project writes: only straight porn?
Mark writes: to test what I felt with that guy I also saw some sequences of gay porn but for example the naked body of the man or the man who masturbates had no effect on me, I saw them at most (because anyway a side that distinguishes me is curiosity) because I found the whole very strange. I also saw orgies and there I sincerely closed the porn felling badly disgusted, not so much for the protagonists but because I don’t think I’m the guy for the ménage a trois or even more  
Project writes: but you know pornography with real sexuality has very little to do, anyway I’m more and more convinced that you have nothing to do with gays, in the things you say there is nothing that makes me ring the bell
Mark writes: yes, in fact, I am enough anti-pornography because the porn gives an image of sex and love pretty bad, I’m not a puritan and I think you’ve got it but I’m a bit romantic
Project writes: those gays who in practice don’t have the opportunity to find a guy use a lot of pornography, it is a heavy conditioning and not perceived as such and leads them, especially the younger guys, to an imitative sexuality and not at all emotional. There is one thing of what you say that strikes me a lot and I really appreciate it and it is the fact that in all cases for you sexuality and affection have come together, there was never dissociation, which is instead a very common feature, that is, in what you say there is a serious way of conceiving sexuality, which is the right one, that is the affective one
Mark writes: I am not puritan, I have had sex without love, but now, after my first sexual experience made without love, I link indissolubly the emotional sphere to the sexual one
Project writes: Mark, I think that you can really live your heterosexuality without any problem
Mark writes: thank you very much
Project writes: I tell you and I am convinced of it Mark writes: and thanks again for the chat
Project writes: sometimes I talk with guys who want to be told that they are straight, but in fact they are not, for you is precisely the objectivity that sets for a clear hetero orientation.
Mark writes: I needed this conversation
Project writes: so be quiet!
Mark writes: ok, I will be one of the few cases of people who want to be told that they are gay
Project writes: don’t see ghosts that are not there! . . . but you didn’t even want to hear that, if you allow me, this discourse didn’t help clarify things about sexual orientation that were already clear but to put aside anxiety and hear a voice different from yours, basically a confirmation
Mark writes: well yes, I must admit, I wanted to hear from a gay (who better than him!) what I could be and in the choice I chose one of those who seemed to say things very directly
Project writes: I thank you, I’m glad you think so! 
Mark writes: well, I must say that before I contacted you I read many of your posts and in many of them I saw that you used to speak strongly and I’ll tell you that the fact that you don’t use too much the category of bisexuality made me lean for you, just because I knew that you would have been very direct and hard if necessary, or better rather objective than hard, not politically correct.
Project writes: I tell you, the real bisexuals are not many, they are not as numerous as gays, there are bisexuals with periodic trend, i.e. people who for years have been perfect heterosexuals and who become perfect gays for years and then change again. Contemporary or intermediate bisexuality often exists at transitory level in the sense that you see it in the phases of increasing awareness of being gay, we can say even in full adult age if a guy recognizes that he is gay late, but lasts 6 months, a year at most and then sexuality polarizes. Except for very particular situations, at your age, sexuality is already polarized for a while. Of course, being bisexual is much more complicated than being gay. I have seen bisexuals with periodic trend that in hetero phase got married and had children, then passed in the gay phase, they left the family and went with a man who then they left, years later, to go with another girl, these things are really destructive, but they are quite rare and you have nothing to do with bisexuals.
Mark writes: yes, in fact, my fear was just that in being in the middle I would not have created a stability for me but above all I feared to hurt other people
Project writes: an intermediate bisexual is a perpetual dissatisfied and he would never say what you say about your girlfriend, at least not so convincingly. A bisexual with periodic trend lives very bad periods of transition and has long periods of stability lasting for years and in those periods he is or clearly straight or clearly gay. Frankly everything you say is typically hetero both at affective and sexual level, so, putting anxiety apart (anxiety leads to fear of ghosts that don’t exist), you have absolutely no reason for uncertainty
Mark writes: thank you very much, you have been very helpful and if my experience can help someone else you can post it in the forum
Project writes: tell me what I can publish and I will gladly do it
Mark writes: there are no names or places, neither in the email nor in the conversation, if you want to publish this part too, the important thing is that you change the name.
Project writes: of course!
Mark writes: after all, it is a beautiful love story with my girlfriend, and also about a betrayed friendship.
Project writes: yes and I think it can have a value for several people.
Mark writes: in the end helping someone is always a good thing
Project writes: thanks for the permission, it will take a little time to rearrange everything but I will certainly do it shortly
Mark writes: and I especially appreciate you, you’re really a great person
Project writes: this flatters me!
Mark writes: and if I knew you in person almost I would kneel in a sign of reverence
Project writes: but come on! Don’t tease me!
Mark writes: believe me I know how difficult it is for gay people to understand and accept their homosexuality I told you I have gay friends and I see them, and a person who can help to facilitate everything can only do well because the family can fail understanding, and it is quite common, I thank my family, perhaps my parents have many faults but as soon as I have confessed my doubts they have only ascertained that I was doing good for myself without mental conditionings, the only thing I heard was not to feel ashamed for what I was and for whatever I had done and I must also thank my girlfriend, she with her love waits patiently for me to escape from this impasse
Project writes: a sign that really she loves you! Mark writes: I found a jewel of rare beauty and the thing is reciprocated she is a great person that must take on these thoughts. Project, I know you have other people to help, so now I leave you Project writes: then good luck and above all I wish you to be able to live your heterosexuality with your girlfriend in the most beautiful way possible! A hug Mark, happy to meet you !!
Mark writes: thank you very much, happy to meet you !
Project writes: Thanks to you!
Mark writes: I will come every now and then to visit you on the forum
Project writes: it would be a very welcome thing! You’re always very welcome!
Mark writes: yes also because I have to see if my story will be useful to someone
Project writes: I really think so!
Mark writes: Good night Project!
Project writes: Good night Mark!
____________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-how-to-understand-that-you-are-not-gay