A GAY COUPLE 27 YEARS TOGETHER

Dear Project,

I read the discussion “Do the ideas change?” And I think I have to say something about the relationship between people of very different ages . I write to you, Project, then you see what to do with my mail, if you think it’s appropriate, include it in the discussion because I would like to know what the guys think. Naturally, I’m especially interested in what you think about it, because, from the chapter of “Being gay” that you have dedicated to this topic, I think it is not the first time you are faced with situations of this kind. So, let’s get to the point.

I’m 49 years old, at 20 I fell in love with a man much older than me, who was 57, although youthful appearance. My “he” (I will call him Renzo) died two years ago and I miss him terribly. We have been together for 27 years, we have had so many problems, especially due to the fact that people don’t accept this type of relationship and don’t understand that they can be relationships of love in the true sense of the word.

We also had our misunderstandings and in 27 years it happened several times, but then we always came back together because we were well together. I loved Renzo but I didn’t look for a father, at least I never saw him like that, there was a real complicity between us, a way of understanding each other that I think was unique. At the beginning it was difficult because he wanted to keep a certain distance, he felt old and didn’t want to make me any kind of obligations and he didn’t understand that he didn’t create anything of that kind.

We were a couple in the most beautiful sense of the term, even if at the beginning we had to hide because my family would never have accepted a story like ours. For me it was a total reference point, first he taught me to live and then he also taught me to die with dignity and, I would say, with serenity. In the last period he often told me that his life had been a happy life because he had met me, he also told me that he was not afraid of death, that it is a natural thing and that an old man can prepare himself to this event slowly. He never complained, it was he who gave courage to me.

For us there were no civil marriages and for this reason he thought in advance to leave me his assets before they ended up in the hands of distant relatives who had never dealt with him. He did these things with the utmost commitment, I tried to remove the idea of his death but he treated it with clarity, preparing everything with the utmost care. The last days I stayed with him at the hospital even in the night, he was very weak but he always tried to smile at me and I used to held his hand. Unfortunately I was not close to him at the end because they brought him to intensive care and when they let me in he was already dead.

I did everything according to his instructions. At the funeral there were no relatives, he had only distant cousins who hadn’t even been informed, at the funeral there were only a few common friends, among the very few who knew everything about us. He explicitly forbade me from mourning and told me that in my life nothing had to change, he also forbade me to go to the cemetery more than once a year.

After the funeral I felt very bad, right on the verge of deep depression and bad ideas started to go through my head, but he had warned me and had insisted very much in order to push me to do something “good” and I remembered it and started to volunteer during my free time. I would have devoted myself to the elderly but I have been assigned to manage a small clinic (I’m a doctor), for those who cannot even pay the ticket. When we met, Renzo was doing something similar (he too was a doctor) and it seemed strange to me at that time, but then I started to understand the value of these things. Sometimes they called him the night for an emergency and we used to go together.

He did not spare himself, and if he understood that people could not pay, he did his duty completely free. He didn’t go to church, but if anyone needed him, he didn’t hold back and did his best to help him. He was a good man, he thought more of others than himself. I miss Renzo badly, I feel a vacuum inside and I never fell in love with anyone else. I remember how he knew how to reassure me, how he could make me reason when doubts about a thousand things invaded me, especially about the profession. I felt unsuitable, too inadequate to be a doctor and he told me that I was a very serious and competent doctor.

In short, today, two years later, I still feel close to him. I lived the life I wanted. At first he was reluctant, he could hardly believe it, then he saw that I really loved him and he felt completely free. Among us there was also sex, of course, and even in the sex I felt that he tried to make me feel comfortable and make me feel good. He was a profoundly good man, a little like I wanted to be, and this has me pushed to fall in love with him. We loved each other and I think I would never have found happiness if I had not met him. I know very well that for many people what I wrote is pathological but for me it was the true happiness of life.

Vale

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-gay-couple-27-years-together

A GAY COUPLE WITH 40 YEARS OF AGE DIFFERENCE

Hello Project, I read some of the emails that you publish and also your answers and I think you can be the right person to whom tell my story, also because I think we are more or less the same age and therefore you can understand things better. I don’t think that my story is such a special story, but it has aspects that I don’t understand and I would like to talk about it with you even, if you like, also through the chat. 
 
At almost 65 years I was about to put an end to my emotional life. I have lived my life, I had felt in love, sometimes even deeply, between 40 and 50 years  old, I had also lived for a few years with a man, but I had never found a match as I would have liked. In practice, in all the stories I had had, the impression that things couldn’t stand up for the most varied reasons prevailed, but in any case they could not really stand: different mentality, different desires, different personal history, etc. etc .. So I had come to the serene conclusion that I would have finished my years together with my brother and his family, because they are good people, younger than me of several years and in the end I would have been fine with them, at least within the limits of possible.
 
Then suddenly a big tile fell on my head. Last year I met a guy 24 years old and, even it may seem absurd to me, this guy has fallen in love with me, and I just cannot understand why, given that a nice guy like him, if only he wanted to, could very easily find a partner. But no, he fell in love with me because the young guys don’t interest him at all. I don’t know if I’m in love with him, but when I’m close to him I’m fine, I’m fine as I’ve never been in any situation before, I love him, I cannot deny it, but there’s an abyss between us: 40 years! What can I offer this guy? I’m an old man and I’m not even healthy, I wouldn’t in any way force him, not even for love, to be a caregiver, maybe I couldn’t even be a burden for him for one or two years, but then old age is an inexorable biological condition that doesn’t depend on the will but on the physical decay that arrives anyway with the years. I’ve never had sexual intercourse nor generic contacts that could have some sexual value with this guy.
 
Project, at our age sexuality is above all a myth and a memory, I could also be with him but I think that in the end doubts would be so many and so strong as to be insuperable, anyway from his point of view it seems that problems don’t exist at all, I have the clear impression that he wants to bring our relationship even on a sexual level.
 
And then, after some time, when I’m gone, what will remain to this guy as a memory of our relationship? I’m afraid he can judge it negatively if by chance it should really come to sex. What should I do? Frankly, I don’t know. He is not a boy, he is an adult man and he is very determined, he has a dignity that I have admired from the first moment, but I’m an old man and he doesn’t seem to realize that.
 
He told me that, in adolescence, he has fallen in love with adult men only, let’s say 50 years old and over. He never had sexual intercourses with anyone, those with his peers didn’t interest him, he would have fond easily those with men over 50, but certainly not in a relationship as he would have liked, that is, a relationship that also had an emotional involvement. With me he knows that this involvement really exist because I think of him at least a thousand times a day and our relationship is particularly intense, because we love each other and he tells me that it’s the best thing he has ever lived and I think it’s true, but I have a terrible fear of making mistakes because you can make mistakes to say yes, but you can also make a mistake saying no, because he would feel abandoned, betrayed, and I wouldn’t want this to happen for any reason.
 
I feel very insecure, Project, it is not a fall in love as in the days of youth, I only know that I don’t want him to suffer, but it seems almost inevitable whatever I do. Instinctively I would embrace him, I don’t even know if I would get to sex because . . . who knows why, I thought that all these qualms that I feel could have a motivation of much lower league, that is, in practice that of not giving scandal to anyone (because 40 years of difference are objectively an abyss) and to continue to live quietly and it may be that these things weigh a lot in keeping him at a distance.
 
Sunday morning we were together at the sea. He was beautiful, smiling, he was happy to be with me. I love him but I don’t know whether it is really the love of a sweetheart or rather that of a father, because he is my ideal son, what I always wanted and never had. This is now the center of my thoughts, I try to understand what is best for him and therefore also for me, but I cannot find convincing answers. I would appreciate your opinion.
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum:  http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-gay-couple-with-40-years-of-age-difference

GAY ANXIETY AND SOCIALIZATION

Following the publication of a post on anxiety [the one that precedes this one] in Gay Project Forum, a user (Serpy) added in the following comment. 
 
Thanks, Project, for this post whose topic really touches me very deeply. Above all lately it happens that the agitation catches me even at night; this involves waking up and turning very often in the bed, feeling very tired in the morning. Reading what you wrote, I came to doubt that the very strong homophobia in the environment in which I live is the cause (if it is not the only one, certainly the most important) that brings me to this state of constant anxiety. You wrote:
 
1) Being submitted to the questions of parents and relatives like ”Do you have a girlfriend?”
 
Here, this situation happens to me frequently, all family members ask me such questions; practically every night that we meet together by my grandmother comes out the name of a girl who could fit me, according to them, and I inside gnaw my liver because I cannot be honest. Then you wrote:
 
4) Finding themselves temporarily in situations of close cohabitation with other people with whom one inevitably comes to talk about emotional relationships and sexuality.
 
This happened to me last year with my ex-housemates (all homophobic) and just this is why I could not feel at ease with them at all. Regarding the fifth and the sixth situation, well, even those have done their part in the past. You wrote also:
 
“When the mind concentrates on the research at all costs of an answer to a problem connected to sexuality, it ends up neglecting and minimizing other fundamental aspects of social and relational life.”
 
Project, how true this thing is! I still have to get out of this stalemate, but I just cannot! Also because what I miss is a sincere affective relationship, which I have never had either by friends or especially in the family. According to you and according to the other users of the forum it is I who don’t really have the will to get out of this whole situation by myself, despite the advices, or maybe there are cases as desperate like mine of guys who, like me, to come out of this, really need an emotional support without which even the best psychologist in the world can’t do anything for them?
 
I responded so to this email:
 
I would like to try to tell Serpy what I think about going out of anxiety by yourself or not. I am deeply convinced, because I see it every day, that everyone needs important affective relationships and I don’t speak of love stories, but above all of family relationships and friendships that, despite being lived in an unconscious way, form the basis of the interior serenity of a person.
 
Precisely in relation to Gay Project it happens to me practically every day to talk in a chat with some guys and to also maintain exchanges of letters that last over time, even for years. I have often wondered why I spend my days on the Project and the answer is simple, because, through the Project, relationships are created that have a serious emotional value, it is not a professional activity but the creation of authentic human relationships, mediated by mail or msn, but authentic, all this gives me a basic tranquility, allows me to feel useful and I happen to think that just as I enjoy receiving an email from those who write me,
 
the same way, who writes to me can feel happy to receive a serious answer, I say serious but I mean not technical. Sometimes I have the impression that even exchanging an email can have a stabilizing value and can clearly move us away from an anxious vision of things. In fact, what I do in the Project does not consist in finding solutions to real problems but in dissipating the anxiety that is often created around issues that are objectively not problems but that become problems because are lived with fear.
 
I received an email today from a guy I had not heard for some time, I felt him serene, even proud to be gay, well, I’ve never met this guy in person and probably I’ll never meet him but I cannot deny that the email has me immensely pleased. If even an email can create certain effects, it is obvious that feeling the emotional warmth of others has enormous value. I give an example.
 
On the day of his birthday a guy receives a gift from his classmates, a group gift, but made with the heart, whether they are gay or straight, it matters little, what matters is that they are authentic things. Such a thing has an enormous value in terms of self-esteem and is a natural anxiolytic with no side effects. You don’t live well alone, you can accept loneliness as a temporary situation because we all need others, or better than others, we need those who love us, at all ages. My dream about the Project is that it can contribute a little to reducing the sense of loneliness and to putting finally aside anxiety in the prospect of a future considered with greater serenity.
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-anxiety-and-socialization

GAY SEX AND SENSE OF DOMINATION AND INTRUSION

Hello Project, I am a 26 year old guy and I live in a big city in the north, I’m writing to you because for some time now, let’s say about three years, I’m starting to think that I will never have a life with a guy, because I don’t feel suitable for a married life. I tried, but practically in all cases I ended up betraying my boyfriend of the time. I was engaged with one but then I came to have sex with other guys and at the end I felt very bad. The very few times I fell in love, or maybe I should say the only time, I felt just a shit, for me it was a very important thing and instead I was treated like a punching bag and now, after several attempts, all ended badly for my fault, I am beginning to look for easy sex even with strangers and sometimes even at risk, rather it is as if the risk attracted me and made me forget any prudence, a kind of challenge with myself. I know very well that the risk is real but I end up taking it as a bet and I have to say I’m not scared. 
 
Don’t tell me that this is a stupid behavior, I know it from myself, but it is that when I am there, in the end I don’t hold back. It happened several times, especially a few years ago, now much less because maybe if it is to meet them in person I prefer guys I think I can trust, maybe they would tell me if they have behaved at risk, even if they trust me too, and doing so they are deceiving themselves, because I have run my risks many times. Now, let’s say that I risk less because I use a lot of sex on cam, in practice we masturbate in chat with guys I catch in the chat, first of all it is not dangerous for health, and it is not a trivial matter, but there is other. Many people have sex on cam, it is at zero risk, and all in all it would not create particular problems, but for me things are different because I use sex in chat to feel a sense of domination over the guys I meet, to bring them to doing things that they wouldn’t like to do and are things that I’m very ashamed of.
 
I’ll give you an example, I almost always choose guys who are in pairs, I contact a guy, then I propose to him a masturbation on cam, he agrees and then I ask him to tell me, before starting, about his boyfriend, to tell me how he has it, what they do together etc. etc. and then I ask him for a picture of his boyfriend and in general, at this point the guys make a lot of stories at the beginning, but then they give me the pictures and they also send me videos of when they have sex with their boyfriends. Other times when we are chatting, I want the guy to call his boyfriend on the phone so that I can see him while having sex on the phone with his boyfriend, while he sees me masturbating.
 
This is more or less the picture, Project, I understand from myself that there is something that does not work. It excites me a lot to slowly bring the guys to give up and do things that at first they don’t want to do, it’s like I have a power over them and then there’s something that scares me a lot, I do not have sex with these guys because I fell in love or I got a crush on them, I don’t care about them, I like having sex and especially knowing that I can have a power over them.
 
At other times it is as if I wanted to intrude in the intimate affairs of the guys I contact, as if I wanted to put myself between them and their boyfriends, as if I wanted to take advantage of my charm to put them in crisis. I also have some friends with whom I have had and I still have sex sometimes, I don’t know if they know me deeply but I don’t believe so, that is, they wouldn’t expect me to behave like I really behave.
 
Project, I read in the forum about sex as tenderness, well, I just cannot think of such a thing, for me sex is just sex and it’s very important because it gives me power over other guys and makes me feel dominator. I talked about these things with a friend of mine with whom I had a story, according to my opinion just a sex story or a story mostly sexual, and according to his one, perhaps, even a story with a real feeling.
 
With him I had never come to do the filth that I did and still I do with others, but I had led him get used to live sex freely and I thought I had really dominated him, in the sense that he never said no to me. Well, now I talked with him about these things, that is, about sex as a way of dominating people, and he told me that he never felt dominated and didn’t even think that he was the dominator, these ideas of power over the partner never crossed his mind,  talking to me he put me in crisis, because I cannot fall in love with anyone and I think that a guy would never be enough for me.
 
With this friend of mine I talk about everything, especially about sex, about what I do with the other guys, let’s say I would like to be able to excite him this way, especially because I would feel like I have a power over him, but he tells me that he always assumed that I had my sex life and he loves me as I am, because I’m a fundamental person for him. When he says these things on the phone I close the conversation because I don’t want to build something that has a true emotional basis, I’m worried about these things, and to be honest to the end, this friend of mine, for me, is not really the maximum of the sexual attraction.
 
What should I do to have a normal sex life? First of all to put aside the whole idea of accepting the risk that instead fascinates me, I don’t know, perhaps for some self-destructive drive, and then how to live sex in a normal way? Without the idea of domination, without having to enter the intimate life of the guys who masturbate on cam with me. They are tempted by me because they are quite nice guys, and they end up doing what they don’t want by putting their boyfriends in crisis and then they feel the guilt and finally I unload them. Why cannot I fall in love with anyone? Why cannot I have a “normal” wank on cam? Sometimes I hate myself but I don’t know how to get out of it. What do you think, Project?
 
 Below you can read my answer.
 
After reading your email carefully I sent you my skype contact, I had sketched an answer and waited to finish it before posting. Then last night you added me on skype and we talked for a long time. Well, I deleted the response I had prepared and I began to prepare a new answer, not because there was something to add to what we said on Skype, but because it could also be useful to many other guys.
 
As I told you yesterday, talking to you directly I found many elements of reflection that don’t emerge from the email. First of all, you have an attention towards your friends that leads you to not have sex with them if you are not sure, by the response of the test, that you cannot infect them with hiv. Now you don’t have 100% certainty and therefore no sex with them, because you don’t want to expose to any risk people who love you. A reasoning of this kind is high-profile and suggests that you have a rational control of your actions. But the fact remains that you tend to postpone the test over time, which doesn’t make sense, because you have to think about your health and if you have even the slightest doubt you don’t have to postpone the test for any reason.
 
I noticed that you tend to devalue yourself and say that your fate doesn’t matter at all because all those with whom you have been, finally kicked you out, but things are not like that at all, from what you told me, you have friends who are very interested in you and make you understand it and on the other hand you too love these friends to the point of not having sex with them when you feel like it, if you think there can be even a minimum risk.
 
It seems as if you are looking for sex as a substitute for affectivity and at the same time that you try to consider sex as something that is as far away as possible from affectivity. You are afraid to build a stable couple life, it is as if you try to exorcise this eventuality looking for guys with whom to have very superficial contacts and above all trying to see in the sex a means of domination, as if it were a compensation to the lack of affection.
 
Speaking with you last night made sense and it was evident, it was a very serious and very real dialogue, nothing to do with the talks that I do with guys who have now created a real dependence on sex. You accuse yourself of treason, ok, it happened, so what? Is it established that because it happened, maybe more than once, it will always be so? And then, from what you said, I had the impression that you put yourself in couple with another guy almost always to exorcise the emotional loneliness. At the beginning it worked but later it didn’t work anymore and then keeping faithful to a relationship in which you can no longer believe, it is difficult and it is also difficult to interrupt that relationship.
 
I think you have enormous potential for emotional life, which doesn’t necessarily and up in a stable pair, for example with your friends you live non-superficial affective relationships, with a little sex when it happens, but these are not banalities and it can be seen from the fact that such relationships last over the years and from the fact that you have esteem of those guys and you also feel affection for them.
 
Sex attracts you, well, it seems obvious to me, it is one of the most powerful forces of life, in all this there is nothing absurd. In all this there is nothing strange or bad, the harm is the damage that is done to another person, for example putting in crisis guys in the chat, pushing them to do things they don’t want to do. However, I repeat it, it happened, and now we need to look forward. I believe you can have a happy life and I think your friends really care about you. You have no boyfriend? Well, it doesn’t do anything, you can live well anyway, however, I beg you especially of one thing: do the test without postponing it, so you can eliminate the worm of doubt that works in your brain, and then always use a condom, it must become a mental automatism because you don’t have to put yourself at risk.
 
You say that oral sex with condom makes no sense, I understand that it may seem very strange but taking serious risks for not using condoms would be a real folly and then, if you’re with a guy and you think of having a moment of intimacy, well, mutual masturbation is not dangerous if there is no contact between the sperm or the pre-spermatic liquid of one guy and the other guy’s mucosa, I mean that also this is really sex and can be very rewarding, if lived in an emotional atmosphere, so it is not really worth taking risks with oral sex without protection. In short, it is not by making fatalistic speeches that you can avoid substantial risks but by using the brain first. Don’t throw yourself off with guilt, and look ahead, you are a person of value who did something that he didn’t have to do, but don’t feel like a black sheep, in the closed closet of many people there are memories of much heavier episodes than those to whom you refer, then: turn the page and look forward with optimism!
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-sex-and-sense-of-domination-and-intrusion

SEXUAL ABUSE AND GAY SEXUALITY

Hello Project, I read your manual Being Gay, especially the chapter on sexual violence and sexual harassment. You insist a lot on the problems that the guys who have been subjected to violence or harassment can have in recognizing their sexual orientation, this is clearly very important, I don’t deny it, but you don’t deal at all with another point namely the long term effects at of violence or harassment on the sexuality of the boy who grows up and then becomes an adult. I would like to tell you about my experience, which I think could be useful to those who have lived or are living similar experiences. 
 
Currently I am 31 years old (almost), when I was a child, I was eight years old, I repeatedly suffered harassment by an uncle, a married man, with children, an quite old man, dead for several years now. Even though I’ve thought many times about those things, I can’t even tell how it started. At that time, me and my family (only my father and my mother) went on holiday in the mountains in a small village in central Italy where my mother was born and where my maternal grandparents and my uncle still lived with his family (wife and two children, my cousins, a lot older than me, at that time 16 and 18).
 
My uncle seemed to me very good-natured, quite big/fat, he had always treated me well, I played a lot with him, I climbed on his shoulders and he carried me on a horseback on his neck, I tormented him a bit, I pinched him and he laughed and let me do, he didn’t keep me at a distance. I don’t really remember how it happened, I thought about it so many times and I tried to reconstruct the scene, let’s say that the reconstruction, with all the limits it can have, is that we were alone and I touched him “there” and he let me do as he always did and then I continued and then I got the curiosity and I didn’t stop and I provoked him, he started to laugh and I teased him, then. . .
 
I don’t go into details, but we did oral sex, of course I to him, on the other hand he was not interested in me in that other sense, he just wanted me to do it to him. In the end he didn’t intimidate me to prevent me from telling other people what had happened, he knew I would never do it. The following day he avoided meeting m and I was very sad, nevertheless the following days what had happened the first time happened again and since then it happened every time we were alone together. I never said anything to anyone. At the time, perhaps I was already attracted to prohibited games or maybe I didn’t even understand what it was. I had not taken it as too important, it was a kind of game. I didn’t have a real trauma from this thing, which lasted more or less for a month.
 
I started to masturbate very early, at the beginning of the sixth grade, about 11 years old, and I had clearly gay fantasies, in my fantasies there were also, but not only, scenes similar to those that I had lived with my uncle, I made fantasies about guys well in flesh and on the kind of sexual practices I had experimented with him. Slowly I began to realize what it was what we had done, I asked myself a thousand questions, for example if I had to consider my uncle a delinquent who had taken advantage of me, or maybe I had so provoked him up to induce him to something like that, my brain often worked on these contents that always resurfaced in masturbation.
 
I’ve had several guys with whom I’ve had sex, I’ve been with men much older than me, I don’t know if this happened because I wanted to relive the situation that had lived with my uncle, but as an adult it’s completely different, even if it is with a man much older than me, there is a substantial parity, I like that they leave me free to do what I want even sexually, but we also speak, in short, it’s really another thing, we are two adults anyway.
 
I noticed that I don’t fall in love with men much older than me, I can have sex with them (a bit repeating the famous scene) but I lose my mind especially for guys more or less my age and when I lose my head I feel very bad because then maintaining a true relationship with peers is very difficult, with much older men, on the contrary it is much easier, generally (with some exceptions) they are not jealous and, contrary to what is thought, they don’t go mad for sex, they seek above all companionship and affection, but these things unfortunately cannot involve me too much.
 
I’ve never lost my mind for kids, and I’ve turned 30, I was afraid of losing my mind for some very young kids, but it never happened. The youngest boy for whom I lost the head was 18 and I was 19, but sometimes I think of watching a video that plays something similar to the famous scene with my uncle. But anyway I would not see myself in the part of the adult but in that of the boy.
 
I talked about these things with one of the adult men I have been with, but he told me that a pedophile looking for much older men is unthinkable and that all my talk on this point was nothing but the search for reassurance, that is the search for a moral approval or for some sharing or accepting and told me that fantasies are one thing and behaviors are a very different thing and that according to him, after what I had suffered as a child, the fact that I could make those fantasies was something almost inevitable.
 
It seems absurd that I am still looking for reassurance at the age of 30, but I think that’s exactly what I’m doing. I talked about these things even with young friends, about my age, but the reaction was much duller, they turned up their noses, because what they had heard didn’t fit their principles, one told me that I had to report my uncle to the police, another, after this speech, disappeared at all.
 
I notice that I tend to test the men I know by asking them what they would do if they were in a situation like that of the famous scene, on the part of the adult man, at what point they would stop, how they judge the whole thing. I always find a lot of embarrassment in these things on the part of the people I try to involve, but I need to understand how they judge those situations, namely how they judge me.
 
When my uncle died I had just turned 17, I felt a sense of terrible discomfort, not of liberation or similar things, I was just uncomfortable and for a very special reason, when my fantasy returned to what we had done I felt dirty, not for the thing in itself but for having done it with someone who was dead, a bit like putting sex and death together.
 
With regard to my uncle I always felt very ambiguous feelings, on one side, I cannot deny it, he abused me, and it was an unpardonable thing that had many consequences, but for the other, after many years, it also made me feel bad and sorry for him, because I think this thing oppressed him as a guilt till to the end.
 
I also feel a little guilty because, without giving any explanation to anyone, I avoided seeing him even when he was ill and I think if I saw him again and told him that I didn’t hate him for what he had done, he would have died more serene.
 
There is also another fact that gives me to think, sex is too important for me, at least I think it is, and it bothers me when I call one of the guys or of the older men I know to have a little sex and they are reluctant and always wait for me to make the first step, a bit like sex is less important to them.
 
Sometimes with much older men I notice a reluctance with respect to immediate sexual approaches, generally they don’t say no to me but I don’t find a real enthusiasm and then they have some attitudes as a teacher, as a father, that give me a little annoyance, I don’t speak of sermons or similar things, they don’t do such things, but attempt to always give me reason when I’m wrong, they attempt to find in me a lot of good sentiments and inclinations that there aren’t at all, as if they wanted to encourage or to console me. I do not know if all this rant has a logical thread, I send you this mail because I read what you wrote about intergenerational relationships. Those are certainly well-balanced things, but reality is often much more convoluted than theory and finding there a logic is not really possible.
 
Of my life, all in all, I feel quite happy, I don’t have a boyfriend and I miss him a lot, I only had one for a couple of years, then he became unbearable (jealous) and I didn’t bear him anymore, but I have some real friends (three) and with them there is also a bit of sex (one at a time), now I think that all three know this and it seems that it does not create problems, at least with two of them, with the third I don’t know, pity that he is the one I care more. I have long since stopped believing in the white mill gay family, there is only one value that I believe is very important in gay relationships and it is clear talking, honesty, not pretending. Until now I felt quite comfortable. Returning to the point, well the famous scene certainly produced consequences in my life but I think it went to me much better than it went to many others. Let me know.
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GAY LOVE FOREVER

Falling in love with a guy? What does it really mean to fall in love with a guy? If I look back in my life I would not even know if I ever really fell in love with a guy. Several times, at the time, I believed yes, there was a very strong sexual interest, I felt strongly attracted to this boy or that one, I wanted to build a life together with him, then over time things diminished, the sexual attraction diminished and the emotional relationship disappeared because that guy took other paths. The basic question remains: “was it love?” A temporary love, born without a deadline but which over time inevitably meets a deadline, but is really love a temporary love? 
 
At most it was love, but it is not anymore. Yet I think I have lived a true love story, only one, but at least for me, it is something I don’t consider it’s over, I say for me because he told me in a thousand ways that I was one of many, He told me that he loves me but that he is not in love with me, which in his language means that I worth nothing for him, but between what he says and what he feels inside himself the difference can be enormous.
 
Sometimes I thought he might fear my return to assault, but such a thing will never be because he wouldn’t consider such a thing good, or at least he says so, and I think there is also another way of loving each other for which there is no need to see each other or to talk, I think that trust in the fact that the other respects you and trusts you may be enough, even if he is not there, even if he goes his own way.
 
I noticed that the moments in which there was a deeper relationship between us were those in which he was in crisis for some other reason, but I don’t want him to feel bad, even if feeling bad gets him back to me. We feel very seldom, but when it happens, for me it’s a special thing, it’s the only guy for whom I felt the anxiety of not knowing how to behave. With me he has always been straightforward, sometimes to the limit of the brutal, at other times he treated me with his rough sweetness but he never made fun of me. He is the only guy for whom, even now, I would be willing to do anything, he is not my boyfriend and he will never be, but when I see him sad I would hug him tightly, to get a smile from him, I would behave like a fool in front of him to let him smile, at the cost of being taken for an idiot by others because he would understand.
 
I told myself that perhaps I’m in love with this guy but that he is not in love with me and that then we lack the essential, which is reciprocity. But between us some reciprocity really exists, I fancy it is so, I hope so, I know that at least he treats me with respect.
 
They told me many times: “Don’t waste time! Find another guy! “I have not even tried, every time I know a guy a little more closely I begin to make comparisons with him, which for me is another thing. They tell me to look ahead, not to waste time on him, because I’m young and I cannot remain tied to a story that has never existed, yet I’m convinced that a story existed, and still exists, in another way, of course, but it’s not over.
 
I lived with him nights of love that I will never forget, it was a beautiful thing and above all true, willed, a way to feel totally free. I’ve never experienced anything like this with any other guy. In practice it is with him that I understood how true sexuality can make you feel good. With him I could overcome all my complexes and live sex in total spontaneity. I keep deep in my heart the memories of those nights of love that give me the certainty of having known true love or better what love really is. I loved and I was loved, of this I have no doubts. I don’t want another guy, I would never be able to fall in love with another guy because, for me, he is there, he never really went away. Now, if I think of a guy, I think only of him, I see him in front of me, the eyes, the smile, the embrace, the sexual warmth, the absolute spontaneity and the hours spent on the phone talking about melancholy without having the courage to say hello on my part and with a greeting, on his part, that should include a small sign of affection, but said in a minor tone.
 
Where are you now? Will I hear you again? How I wish you were happy! I say it with all my soul, because I love you, maybe I’m no longer in love, I no longer feel the sexual transport of a time but I keep thinking about you every day and hope you can be happy. When I see a guy dressed like you or a body similar to yours I feel a jolt, because I would like you near me. I know that loving a guy does not give me any right, because the happiness that the guy has to pursue is only his, not mine, but I know that as something of him has remained inside me and so something that belongs to me will accompany him forever, because, no matter how fragile and even ephemeral it may have been, it was anyway love.
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GAY LOVE AND GAY SEX

Let’s start from the first point. To the classic question: “When a guy is gay?” I always reply that “A guy is gay if he falls in love with other guys”, this definition, which seems obvious, contrasts another widespread definition, according to which “a guy is gay if he has sex with other guys “, which is the most common definition of gay. The two concepts seem similar but in reality they differ as much as love differs from sex. It is not a question of terminology and has important implications in people’s lives. 
 
It is a fact that there are many guys who have sex with other guys without falling in love with them, these are gay only according to the common definition, but according to the conventions I followed, I should simply call them guys who have sex with other guys, the market for pornography for the great majority is addressed to them. I don’t mean that guys who fall in love with other guys don’t use pornography, such a statement would be ridiculous, I mean instead that the masturbation of guys who fall in love with other guys, very often is not related to pornography but to fantasy and to the re-elaboration of experiences and desires linked to real people in which affectivity plays a substantial role.
 
It often happens that guys who have sex with other guys without falling in love are people who also have a more or less satisfying hetero sex life. It is not really a question of bisexuals, precisely because towards  guys there is  no real emotional component, which is instead turned towards women and is often strongly frustrated. For these guys who have sex with guys, sex with a guy is essentially an adventure, a diversion, an escape from the frustration of hetero affectivity. These people naturally tend to bring into a gay relationship with a guy behavior patterns typically hetero, far from the spontaneous sexuality of guys who fall in love with other guys, that is, far from the parity that is typical of gay sex. When I talk about gay sexuality, I’m not referring, of course, to pornography or to what people believe to be typically gay but to what most guys who fall in love with guys, i.e. gays in this sense, live and above all want.
 
To explain the difference between this true gay sexuality and that of guys who have sex with other guys but don’t fall in love with them, I will use a concrete example taken from the “Maurice”, a wonderful novel by Edward Morgan Forster. When I read the novel for the first time I felt the thrill of having in my hands a book that would always remain on my bedside table. The book is extraordinarily addictive.
 
Maurice and Clive, one of his college mates, start a homosexual relationship, it seems a love story destined to be lasting and deep but Clive is a young ambitious aristocrat and chooses to sacrifice love on the altar of the political career. Not marrying and being considered homosexual would marginalize him, so he comes to pretend to fall in love with a girl and marries her. Maurice and Clive will continue to meet in a formal way but the first love story of the book is over.
 
Maurice, invited by Clive to his estate, meets Clive’s wife, but above all meets another guy, a gamekeeper from Clive’s estate, named Scudder, more or less the same age as Maurice and Clive. 
 
While Clive’s aristocratic friends treat Scudder as a servant and humiliate him by giving him orders and tips in money, Maurice treats him on an equal footing from the first moment and both of them understand that something new and important is beginning for them. I would like to strongly emphasize the fact that Maurice treats Scudder at par because this is the basic condition of a true gay love. When, during a heavy rain, dripping water comes down from the ceiling of a salon, the aristocrats call Scudder to clean everything and move the furniture to prevent it from getting wet and they go to another room, but Maurice takes off his jacket and stays with Scudder to clean up the room where it had rained. This and other similar behaviors by Maurice are spontaneous and are indicative of Maurice’s respect for Scudder and of the fact that Maurice tries to do something that Scudder would like and that is an opportunity to initiate a minimum of direct dialogue, without the concern of social rituality and of caste to be respected, and above all in a more direct and private dimension of human sympathy.
 
In a dark night Scudder climbs with a ladder from the garden in Maurice’s room and the two live together their first sexual contact, the moment is exciting but in the morning Maurice is assailed by the doubt that Scudder wants to blackmail him. Maurice and Scudder will end up explaining each other and realizing that they cannot do without one another. Scudder, pushed by his family, decides anyway to leave for America as an emigrant because he thinks that what happened between him and Maurice should not affect Maurice’s life, which could have a future in politics and in high society. Maurice is assailed by despair, he would like to see Scudder, he would like to talk to him, but he cannot, he goes to the pier where the steamer is about to leave but Scudder is not there, then he remembers that they had talked about the possibility of meeting in the boathouse of the estate of Clive, he goes there and Scudder is there, he did not leave for America, that is, Scudder eventually made an act of faith in Maurice, he believed in Maurice’s love and in the fact that Maurice would not have abandoned him in the name of political career or of the social position.
 
When Maurice sees Scudder in the boathouse he is so happy he cannot even speak and the chapter ends like this: And since Maurice did not speak, indeed could not, he added, “And now we shan’t be parted no more, and that’s finished.” –
 
One last chapter concludes the novel, if you want a chapter that has the bitterness of Dante’s contrappasso [The law of “contrappasso” (retaliation), from the Latin contra and patior, “to suffer the opposite”, is a principle that regulates the punishment that strikes the offenders by the opposite of their guilt or by analogy to it. It is present in numerous historical and literary contexts of religious influence, such as the Divine Comedy.]: Clive realizes that Maurice is happy, knows that Maurice has made the right choice and that he will love, Scudder for life while, loved in turn by him, while he, aristocrat ad social climber, will have to go to bed with a beautiful girl he doesn’t love and to which he will ruin life to follow his ambitions.
 
The novel presents two characters, one of them who embodies the gay morality, Maurice, who is a guy who falls in love with other guys, and the other embodies the gay immorality, Clive, who is a guy who only has sex with other guys but doesn’t fall in love with them. Maurice is the honest gay who, when he falls in love, falls in love without reservation and is not willing to trade his love in exchange for anything, his love for Scudder leads him to expose himself and to risk himself by putting aside any privilege of caste. Clive is the dishonest gay man who agrees to put aside his sexuality, behind which there are evidently no strong feelings, selling it in exchange for social prestige and political career. Every dialectic is impossible between these two characters who are the embodiment of good and evil under the gay perspective.
 
As for Scudder, who is certainly not a secondary character, I would be inclined to say that he represents for Maurice the opportunity, the unique opportunity to get out of the limbo of sublimations and enter the real world of sexuality, lived with passion. Scudder takes the first steps of an explicit sexual type and in doing so he risks a lot. Even Scudder has a high morality, a vulgar man could have used the weapon of blackmail to take advantage of Maurice’s feelings but this thought doesn’t even touch him and when he realizes that this is just what Maurice is thinking of him, he gives him a lesson of morality reproaching him for having nourished even the simple suspicion of being the object of such a low action on his part. Maurice will understand.
 
Maurice and Scudder experience sexuality as an expression of their deep love, and it is precisely in this way that sexuality acquires its highest meaning, because love is total transport towards the other. The gay sexuality of Maurice and Scudder on one side and that of the aristocratic Clive on the other are apparently superimposable but for the first two, sex is really love, for the last one it is just a game that has to give way to more important interests.
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