Hello Project, I am a 26 year old guy and I live in a big city in the north, I’m writing to you because for some time now, let’s say about three years, I’m starting to think that I will never have a life with a guy, because I don’t feel suitable for a married life. I tried, but practically in all cases I ended up betraying my boyfriend of the time. I was engaged with one but then I came to have sex with other guys and at the end I felt very bad. The very few times I fell in love, or maybe I should say the only time, I felt just a shit, for me it was a very important thing and instead I was treated like a punching bag and now, after several attempts, all ended badly for my fault, I am beginning to look for easy sex even with strangers and sometimes even at risk, rather it is as if the risk attracted me and made me forget any prudence, a kind of challenge with myself. I know very well that the risk is real but I end up taking it as a bet and I have to say I’m not scared.
Don’t tell me that this is a stupid behavior, I know it from myself, but it is that when I am there, in the end I don’t hold back. It happened several times, especially a few years ago, now much less because maybe if it is to meet them in person I prefer guys I think I can trust, maybe they would tell me if they have behaved at risk, even if they trust me too, and doing so they are deceiving themselves, because I have run my risks many times. Now, let’s say that I risk less because I use a lot of sex on cam, in practice we masturbate in chat with guys I catch in the chat, first of all it is not dangerous for health, and it is not a trivial matter, but there is other. Many people have sex on cam, it is at zero risk, and all in all it would not create particular problems, but for me things are different because I use sex in chat to feel a sense of domination over the guys I meet, to bring them to doing things that they wouldn’t like to do and are things that I’m very ashamed of.
I’ll give you an example, I almost always choose guys who are in pairs, I contact a guy, then I propose to him a masturbation on cam, he agrees and then I ask him to tell me, before starting, about his boyfriend, to tell me how he has it, what they do together etc. etc. and then I ask him for a picture of his boyfriend and in general, at this point the guys make a lot of stories at the beginning, but then they give me the pictures and they also send me videos of when they have sex with their boyfriends. Other times when we are chatting, I want the guy to call his boyfriend on the phone so that I can see him while having sex on the phone with his boyfriend, while he sees me masturbating.
This is more or less the picture, Project, I understand from myself that there is something that does not work. It excites me a lot to slowly bring the guys to give up and do things that at first they don’t want to do, it’s like I have a power over them and then there’s something that scares me a lot, I do not have sex with these guys because I fell in love or I got a crush on them, I don’t care about them, I like having sex and especially knowing that I can have a power over them.
At other times it is as if I wanted to intrude in the intimate affairs of the guys I contact, as if I wanted to put myself between them and their boyfriends, as if I wanted to take advantage of my charm to put them in crisis. I also have some friends with whom I have had and I still have sex sometimes, I don’t know if they know me deeply but I don’t believe so, that is, they wouldn’t expect me to behave like I really behave.
Project, I read in the forum about sex as tenderness, well, I just cannot think of such a thing, for me sex is just sex and it’s very important because it gives me power over other guys and makes me feel dominator. I talked about these things with a friend of mine with whom I had a story, according to my opinion just a sex story or a story mostly sexual, and according to his one, perhaps, even a story with a real feeling.
With him I had never come to do the filth that I did and still I do with others, but I had led him get used to live sex freely and I thought I had really dominated him, in the sense that he never said no to me. Well, now I talked with him about these things, that is, about sex as a way of dominating people, and he told me that he never felt dominated and didn’t even think that he was the dominator, these ideas of power over the partner never crossed his mind, talking to me he put me in crisis, because I cannot fall in love with anyone and I think that a guy would never be enough for me.
With this friend of mine I talk about everything, especially about sex, about what I do with the other guys, let’s say I would like to be able to excite him this way, especially because I would feel like I have a power over him, but he tells me that he always assumed that I had my sex life and he loves me as I am, because I’m a fundamental person for him. When he says these things on the phone I close the conversation because I don’t want to build something that has a true emotional basis, I’m worried about these things, and to be honest to the end, this friend of mine, for me, is not really the maximum of the sexual attraction.
What should I do to have a normal sex life? First of all to put aside the whole idea of accepting the risk that instead fascinates me, I don’t know, perhaps for some self-destructive drive, and then how to live sex in a normal way? Without the idea of domination, without having to enter the intimate life of the guys who masturbate on cam with me. They are tempted by me because they are quite nice guys, and they end up doing what they don’t want by putting their boyfriends in crisis and then they feel the guilt and finally I unload them. Why cannot I fall in love with anyone? Why cannot I have a “normal” wank on cam? Sometimes I hate myself but I don’t know how to get out of it. What do you think, Project?
Below you can read my answer.
After reading your email carefully I sent you my skype contact, I had sketched an answer and waited to finish it before posting. Then last night you added me on skype and we talked for a long time. Well, I deleted the response I had prepared and I began to prepare a new answer, not because there was something to add to what we said on Skype, but because it could also be useful to many other guys.
As I told you yesterday, talking to you directly I found many elements of reflection that don’t emerge from the email. First of all, you have an attention towards your friends that leads you to not have sex with them if you are not sure, by the response of the test, that you cannot infect them with hiv. Now you don’t have 100% certainty and therefore no sex with them, because you don’t want to expose to any risk people who love you. A reasoning of this kind is high-profile and suggests that you have a rational control of your actions. But the fact remains that you tend to postpone the test over time, which doesn’t make sense, because you have to think about your health and if you have even the slightest doubt you don’t have to postpone the test for any reason.
I noticed that you tend to devalue yourself and say that your fate doesn’t matter at all because all those with whom you have been, finally kicked you out, but things are not like that at all, from what you told me, you have friends who are very interested in you and make you understand it and on the other hand you too love these friends to the point of not having sex with them when you feel like it, if you think there can be even a minimum risk.
It seems as if you are looking for sex as a substitute for affectivity and at the same time that you try to consider sex as something that is as far away as possible from affectivity. You are afraid to build a stable couple life, it is as if you try to exorcise this eventuality looking for guys with whom to have very superficial contacts and above all trying to see in the sex a means of domination, as if it were a compensation to the lack of affection.
Speaking with you last night made sense and it was evident, it was a very serious and very real dialogue, nothing to do with the talks that I do with guys who have now created a real dependence on sex. You accuse yourself of treason, ok, it happened, so what? Is it established that because it happened, maybe more than once, it will always be so? And then, from what you said, I had the impression that you put yourself in couple with another guy almost always to exorcise the emotional loneliness. At the beginning it worked but later it didn’t work anymore and then keeping faithful to a relationship in which you can no longer believe, it is difficult and it is also difficult to interrupt that relationship.
I think you have enormous potential for emotional life, which doesn’t necessarily and up in a stable pair, for example with your friends you live non-superficial affective relationships, with a little sex when it happens, but these are not banalities and it can be seen from the fact that such relationships last over the years and from the fact that you have esteem of those guys and you also feel affection for them.
Sex attracts you, well, it seems obvious to me, it is one of the most powerful forces of life, in all this there is nothing absurd. In all this there is nothing strange or bad, the harm is the damage that is done to another person, for example putting in crisis guys in the chat, pushing them to do things they don’t want to do. However, I repeat it, it happened, and now we need to look forward. I believe you can have a happy life and I think your friends really care about you. You have no boyfriend? Well, it doesn’t do anything, you can live well anyway, however, I beg you especially of one thing: do the test without postponing it, so you can eliminate the worm of doubt that works in your brain, and then always use a condom, it must become a mental automatism because you don’t have to put yourself at risk.
You say that oral sex with condom makes no sense, I understand that it may seem very strange but taking serious risks for not using condoms would be a real folly and then, if you’re with a guy and you think of having a moment of intimacy, well, mutual masturbation is not dangerous if there is no contact between the sperm or the pre-spermatic liquid of one guy and the other guy’s mucosa, I mean that also this is really sex and can be very rewarding, if lived in an emotional atmosphere, so it is not really worth taking risks with oral sex without protection. In short, it is not by making fatalistic speeches that you can avoid substantial risks but by using the brain first. Don’t throw yourself off with guilt, and look ahead, you are a person of value who did something that he didn’t have to do, but don’t feel like a black sheep, in the closed closet of many people there are memories of much heavier episodes than those to whom you refer, then: turn the page and look forward with optimism!