THE REAL LIFE OF A GAY GUY

Hello Project,

about a month ago, while surfing the internet, I found gay project which surprised me because it is something unique. At first I was impressed by the simplicity of the sites and by the absence of erotic advertising, then I started reading and I was amazed by the fact that I was reading a lot of things very similar to those that have happened to me and this, for me , was very important. That’s why I decided to write overcoming so many doubts and resistances. My life does not have anything very important, I’m an engineering student, I come from a normal family after all. My father and my mother more or less get along, my sister got married last year and no longer lives with me. My parents do not know anything about me, and I’ll absolutely avoid to tell them how things really are because for them I think it would just be a trauma, I do not think they would be able to understand, they are good parents, not too invasive, according to the their way of seeing, nor too selfish to care only about their own business. I will not speak with them in order to avoid them to stress uselessly, the idea that children should adapt to be the image and likeness of their parents is too deeply impressed in their own head. I cannot say whether or not they are believers, and to what extent, they go to church on Sunday and I’m going with them as if it were a natural thing because they expect it, my mother goes to confession every so often and receives communion, daddy never, but at least they have the common sense not to put pressure on me about such things. Luckily for me I’m still young and they think that I should hurry to graduate and so the fact that I do not have a girlfriend takes second place, because it would be a distraction from the fundamental purpose. My father and my mother have attitudes toward gay people that make me very angry but I have to tolerate discomfort for a quiet life: they know nothing about such things but they believe they know and understand everything, they are sympathetic to gay people just as priests are, they are inclined to forgive the vice for the weakness of the flesh because “also gays are people” (what a great concession!) but they would never admit that two guys can love each other because “it’s so nice to follow nature” and “between two men or between two women love does not make sense.” I let them talk because they need to be convinced that they are right. By saying so I mean that practically the relationship with my parents doesn’t exist at all but they don’t even realize it, for them it’s much more important to be right. Breaking away from the mentality of my parents and beginning to think with my head it was not so easy. At age 18 I went to confession for the last time, I told the priest that I was gay and I was in love with a guy, the priest didn’t even conceive the idea that it could be a true and deep feeling, and started to repeat certain things that offended me deeply, and I thought that what he said was patently false and immoral so much that I got up and I went away. I do not accept the idea that a feeling that I consider the most important thing in my life can be outraged by those who don’t even understand what they say and think they are speaking in the name of God. I have not had second thoughts, sometimes in church, I hear homilies that I cannot stand absolutely but I act as if I was just thinking of something else, exams, university, etc.. In high school I still had many doubts, not doubts about what I was, but doubts about how I had to behave. I remember a specific fact, the penultimate year of high school the Italian teacher assigned us as a task to compose a short essay on violence. I thought of speaking about violence against women, racism and the usual things and also about homophobia, but then gave up the idea completely, when the teacher gave us back our works classified in the commenting on one of them said to a student: “You have considered many aspects of the problem: religious intolerance, violence in stadiums, homophobia, violence against women …”, at the word homophobia I felt myself freeze and the eyes of all the guys have focused on the student with whom the teacher was talking and there have been mischievous smiles. That guy is definitely not gay but the word homophobia caused a particular reaction among my classmates, for them it is only an allusion to homosexuality, something more or less ridiculous that they only know from jokes and has been interpreted just as a joke. Obviously I had been right not to talk about homophobia. I don’t think that my classmates were homophobic, for them the problem did not even exist, for them gays were a kind of tribe on the edge of reality, for them a gay guy had to have many characteristics that are recognizable, they didn’t even realize that someone could be hurt by the fact that they were laughing at the word homophobia, in the end they were not homophobic, they were just superficial (stupid) and had no need to understand, because it was something that they weren’t absolutely interest in. Instinctively I have always kept away from groups, from too close friendships and from the gossip and this helped me to finish my high school, maintaining the my reputation of fake straight. In high school I supposed that one of my classmate was gay, but my assumptions were totally wrong. In college I found myself immersed in a completely different world. I had gone to the classical high school, with a strong majority of women (more than 2/3 of my classmates were girls), in the Faculty of Engineering there was instead a strong male predominance, and in particular in my courses. For a gay guy who came from the experience of classical high school, being in an engineering classroom was just like being a child entering the pastry: a huge temptation, an environment that created a community almost entirely male. Some guys were very handsome. If ever I had some little doubt about the fact of being gay this doubt vanished soon after I begun to attend engineering classes We went to classes together at the canteen together, to the study rooms in the library together, we spent together intervals between classes, and inevitably there we would agree to spend free time together as well. I should add that the environment was not gossipy and the guys were not talking only about tits and asses, on the contrary, when it occurred, rather rarely, some speech that touched even homosexuality there weren’t giggles, jokes and things like that but serious talk very far from the stereotypes, nevertheless, despite the high number of guys who attended the faculty there was not even one openly gay, a sign that those who were there did not trust to come out of the closet, exactly what I did. After the first few days began to form stable study groups. The basic element of aggregation was the level of knowledge and skills of individuals. Those that were obviously ahead of the others tended to congregate together and so the selection was made, so to speak, on academic merit. After a few days, and after the results of the first tests of profit, the number of students has decreased quite dramatically, in practice about 40% changed their courses of study and two groups were formed, one of the geniuses always in the front pew during lessons, always with maximum scores, but we are talking about a dozen boys in all, highly motivated but in practice these were young people who lived exclusively for the study, and a second group, let’s say mid-level, with more or less twenty students, and then the group of those who took it for granted that they would not have finished their studies without losing at least one year. I was at the boundary between the first and the second group, I was coming from the secondary school of classical address and at the beginning it was very hard for me but then I went ahead well. Prior to joining the faculty I thought it would have been so much easier, then I realized that to stay afloat at a good level I had to struggle a lot. Those in the first group did not send a shot wide, sometimes I tried to enter their group but I didn’t held the pace and, objectively, they were at levels far more advanced than mine. There was another thing, those guys lived for the study, admitted that they had a girl, they probably saw her for up to an hour on a Sunday afternoon and, because I felt like the a child entering the pastry, I did not want to end up like them, I don’t say that I wanted to make a feast of sweets, but at least I wanted to taste one. In practice I was there certainly to study, but certainly not just for that. I decided that I would be among those to intermediate level, because with them the afternoons were not exclusively to study, there was even talking. I have read on the forum something about gay radar, well, in fact, when one is, or better when a gay guy is in an environment like that one where I was, the first thing is to go by eye, that is, look for the guys who are more attractive, but if this were the only guideline it would be easy to miss the target. And there began, about four or five guys, the exhausting game: is he gay or not? And since the first purpose was just studying and no one used to speak about different things, it was extremely difficult to give an answer about the gayness of my colleagues. At this point there has been an unexpected phenomenon. A guy who didn’t belong to the group of geniuses nor to that of handsome guys and not even to that of supposedly gay guys asks me for my notebook of class notes. I would not have given my block of notes to anyone for all the gold in the world because my notebook was my lifeline and I used to handle it with maniacal care, but that guy was asking for my notebook, I show it to him, then he asks me if he can photocopy it and I say yes, he smiles at me and says something complimentary, more or less that I would get them back the next day. At that time I thought I was wrong to give him my notebook, but I was also happy because it was the first real opportunity to hook a guy, I started to wonder how it would have been if that guy had been gay, but he was not one of the handsome guys, yes, he had a beautiful smile, but it was all there, I just lent my notebook to a guy who had a beautiful smile! Project, now you might think that that guy is now my boyfriend, but no, because he gave me an appointment for the next day to give me back my notes and then showed up accompanied by his girlfriend! I was like an idiot, my brain had begun to go on his own, but fortunately the situation became evident almost immediately. Project, in essence, the child entering the pastry, with his mouth watering has been left empty-handed! According to statistics of gay project among my colleagues there should be at least five or six gays, one is me, then let’s say four or five but they are well hidden, I wonder if they too are like children in the pastry or already have decided to devote themselves exclusively to the study. I would not exclude that some of those geniuses who know everything, then underneath are gays terribly frustrated. Then the second year came, we are further decreased in number and hierarchies based on the results of the examinations are now well established, I stay in the second group, I go forward, but I’m not the new Einstein and frankly I don’t even want to be. My dream is to live a love story, I do not know if I would be able, however, it is certain that I’d try. Until now it has not happened. Project, that’s all, it’s trivial, I know, no overwhelming loves, neither depressing disappointments, so many dreams just too big and a lot of very small achievements. Post this e-mail if you want. I think I’ll send you another e-mail tonight with three or four things that I did not understand very well. You are a great, you did a monstrous job that is really useful!

Gay Hunter (but in a good way!)

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SEXUAL PLAY AND GAY SEX

This post is dedicated to analyze the connection between play and sexuality and aims to highlight the different meanings of sexual play in relation to sexual orientation of the people involved.

A large number of guys, if not all, sooner or later take part in or attend to episodes of play with a more or less evident sexual background, that is episodes of play which involve more or less overtly sexual content or content concerning nudity.

The play usually begins with only the verbal content, for example playing “truth or dare” when it comes to “truth phase” about sexual content, then passing through physical contact not specifically genital, as in the wrestling for fun, that, for example, when you are on the beach and wrestle with only the swimsuit on, involves a very direct physical contact, sometimes also embarrassing, can also end up with sexually explicit play that also includes the possibility of touching the genitals, or implicates that one of the participants is expected to remain naked at the end of the play (strip poker).

The sexual play can be simple, that is it can arise without any explicit sexual purposes, but can also be programmed precisely in order to create a sexual involvement. In some cases, the sexual play verges on the edge of violence, when it comes to group play imposed on an unwilling victim. This is the case of “pantsing/de-pantsing”, a play that sometimes involves also behaviors of sexual violence and is practiced in schools or universities against freshmen or in military environments. The “pantsing” usually consists in yanking down quickly and unexpectedly the underwear of a guy in order to leave him exposed in front of everyone, but sometimes the “pantsing” means stripping a guy in group, obviously against his will, blocking him and preventing him from defending himself, often the others may touch the genitals of the victim even if in a playful way.

The violent meaning of this play is considerably reduced because the rite is performed as if it was a joke and those who have been “pantsed” can change role the next time. It should be emphasized that this sexual play is characteristic of environments dominated by men (male barracks and classrooms). Today, with the obligation of mixed classes (male and female together) and also of mixed teams of physical education, the “pantsing” has almost gone and only remains in college dorms only for guys.

Among the games that are on the border between play and sexuality there is the tickling, that starts trivially as a play but allows two guys to familiarize with themselves, with mutual physicality and especially lowers the threshold of the defenses and makes the behavior less controlled. When the laugh becomes uncontrollable, physical contact is accepted in a dimension of play and fun. It is not unlikely that a gay guy goes to erection being in a similar situation, which does not happen as easily not even in explicit sexual contexts.

The laugh is the Trojan horse of sexuality that allows a guy to accept in this way, what explicitly he would not accept. Through the tickling and through sexual play often occur early signs of gay sexuality in young people who are deemed always straight.

However, participate in sexual games between persons of the same sex does not mean being gay. In an all guys class “pantsing” was a typical straight play. I emphasize that it is not the participating in the game that determines sexual orientation but, according to sexual orientation, participation in sexual play is experienced in a different way. The straight guys, participating in a sexual play between friends of the same sex, see it as a game, as the most uninhibited game, but not as sexual activity, on the contrary gay guys, participating in a same sex sexual play, consider it precisely as a sexual activity.

The difference in the way to participate is reflected in the fact that a straight guy who is involved in a sexual play with other guys will not load the memory of that episode with sexual meanings, what on the contrary a gay guy will certainly do. The gay guy will transform the memory of that episode, which for him is clearly a sexual experience, into a strong masturbatory fantasy and that episode will be printed indelibly in his mind.

The difference in experiencing the participation in the sexual game between a straight guy and a gay guy can create big problems in the event that the gay guy falls in love with the straight one and between the two guys the atmosphere is so uninhibited to actually allow sexual plays, what is quite common.

Each of the two guys projects his own personal view of the sexual play on the other guy, so the straight guy thinks that for his friend the sexual game is just a game with no real sexual significance, therefore feels uninhibited because assumes that the other guy is also straight. The gay guy sees the participation in sexual plays by his straight friend as if it was a real gay sexual activity and begins to fantasize about the hypothesis that his friend is not really straight but in reality is a latent gay guy who sooner or later will realize that he is really gay because “if a guy participates in sexual activities with another guy clearly cannot be straight.”

Understandably these types of projections can create sexual expectations, hopes and, later, bitter disappointments. Sexual play is often used by gay men, consciously or unconsciously, as an attempt to involve their friends in a sexual dimension. For a gay guy is actually very difficult to understand that a straight guy is going through a sexual play in a completely different way. In this sense, try to involve a friend in a sexual play is definitely not a sensible system to verify his possible being gay. To find out if a guy is really gay there is only one way, that is, talk to him explicitly, what is often very difficult, if not impossible. To use various substitutes of the explicit direct speech means to choose unreliable methods.

A common feature of sexual games in which a gay guy tries to involve his friend to test his homosexuality or to lead him to homosexuality (what is absolutely meaningless because or you’re gay or you’re not), is the “graduality” which is a typical characteristic of not spontaneous but planned sexual play. In this situation, a gay guy who does not know the sexual orientation of his partner tries to involve him in forms of sexual play in which the sexual dimension is only just visible, if the participatory response of his friend is spontaneous, after a while the gay guy experiments a play in which sexual contents are more explicit, only if also in this case the participation of the friend is spontaneous it becomes possible to program another step towards a more explicit sexuality.

From the point of view of the gay guy, when his friend has accepted an openly sexual play, doing so he has clearly shown his homosexuality. This strategy of small steps moves ever forward the limit that separates the play from sexuality.

There are rare cases of straight guys who are willing even to be masturbated by their friends supposed to be straight. Such a thing is automatically interpreted by a gay guy as a manifested admission of homosexuality on the part of his friend. This conclusion derives from an assumption, namely, that what matters to identify a gay guy are external behaviors, i. e. that there are “behaviors” typically gay that a straight guy would never put into practice. In fact, experience shows that to identify a gay guy you must know his own interpretation of his own behaviors and those of others. In other words, it is not the behavior itself that defines a gay guy but the interpretations that he gives of that behavior.

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A TRUE GAY LOVE

Hello Project,

I’m Maurice, I’m 24, I’m going to finish my studies and I hope to find work soon, I’d say within a couple of years. I am writing this email because I am in a situation that I do not know how to handle or perhaps know.

I know I’ve always been gay, I never had any doubts about it and not even special psychological problems, I considered being gay something absolutely natural. I knew that with my family I could not speak out in any case and in the school and then in the university I had to be very careful not to talk too much about my things. I never had true friends, classmates, sport mates, certainly yes, but never friends with whom to confide, I must say that I was so armored that this not caused me any problems.

I’ve always been shy even though I practiced sports since I was very young. I mean not that I am ashamed of being seen naked or anything like that but I think that sexuality is a very private thing that one should keep to himself. The idea of having sex with a guy always embarrassed me a little.

Until a few months ago I had never had sex with anyone and had never suffered from this fact, I was living my sexuality just masturbating and letting my imagination roam free. Maybe I was also unprepared for a couple exeprience because in practice, for fear of diseases, I had always considered the idea so far away from me that I had deleted it from my horizon.

I want to emphasize that I don’t restrain myself from having my sexual fantasies about some guy, however, between the dreams and the real sexual experience with a guy there is a great difference.

Ok, I also used the cam to have some virtual sex with guys, with one in particular. It lasted more than a month, then he disappeared into thin air. However this is only the introduction.

Six months ago I met a guy at university, his name is Maurice like me, which is rare, he is handsome and inspires me tenderly, seems uncomfortable and out of place in any situation, even his voice is hesitant but warm, deep. I get lost in his eyes. In short, I fell in love with Maurice, but in a classic way I didn’t know if he’s gay and I tried to find out. With the girls he was very easy, joking a lot with them, but I knew him too little to understand what he had in mind.

I started a prudent approach maneuver, he didn’t run away, never wanted to be prayed to be close to me, to talk on the phone or on msn and eventually also to pass together on Sunday. At the end I tell him that I’m gay, obviously he had already understood it, he tells me that he is gay, I think that this is the premise to go ahead but he tells me to be madly in love with another guy that also I had knew. I tell him that I think that that guy is straight and he tells me that he’s perfectly aware of that but is literally addicted to that guy. He had already told him that he was gay and in love with him, but the guy responded brutally that he had better look somewhere else.

After that evening Maurice often called me on Sunday on the cell phone but always and only to talk about that guy and to tell me that he felt uncomfortable. Some evenings he was deeply depressed and said things that put me in anxiety and that made me feel bad too. We went on like this for quite some time, then he began to court me. I liked seeing how much he wanted me and he showed me really his involvement and his tenderness but I had to overcome my problems with sex that I had thought I would never overcome.

Slowly we began to embrace, to caress. For me it was something totally new, that’s why I told him I did not want to have sex with him because I was afraid of diseases, he told me that he had never had sex with anyone but I told him that I wanted to be sure and he said: “Let’s go for the test tomorrow if you want .” And we did really. Three days later I had no more excuses.

I must say that I never thought about having sex with a guy in a so sweet way. I felt his love very strong and also his sexual involvement and slowly I let myself go and I knew that having sex with a guy is really a beautiful thing: spontaneity without bias.

Then when we were going home he begins to cry and I do not understand why. I do not know what to do, I try to comfort him but it’s impossible, he cries violently, then he calms down a bit and tells me he was thinking about that guy, he was fine with me, but he wanted to be with that guy. I repeat that the guy is certainly straight and that he could not build any relationship with him as he imagined. He tells me that he’s aware of that, but that’s all wrong, that he had had sex with me but he was not in love with me.

He feels inconsistent, lost in his thoughts, unable to reason and just prey of a passion that’s eating him inside. He tells me that he certainly deluded me, that he made me believe that he loved me but he is not in love with me. I tell him that I do not feel upset and that I love him, that I will love him even if he will go away with another guy. He says that sex is important to him and that I made him to forget that he cannot love anyone but this feeling always comes back, and I was able to make him to forget it just for a few hours. I shake strongly his hands in mine and he calms.

In the days after that evening the university life continues as usual, as if nothing had happened between us. He is again lost in his fantasies for the straight guy and I can see it very well. Maurice does not think of me, but just of that guy, or at least it seems that way.

Then he calls me un a Saturday night and tells if I want to see him. Also this time we lived together a wonderful sexual experience, the real experience of love. In those things we understand each other. I never thought that such a thing would happen.

Then we talk very seriously and I begin to understand what thoughts Maurice always carries within himself, he tells me about his melancholy and that he tries to stay out of his house as much as possible. In those moments I could almost imagine the soul of Maurice and what he lived as a child. I had never spoken to anyone at that level of depth. When we said goodbye, he was quiet.

Since then we have been together for a long time. He kept saying he was fine with me, completely at ease but that was not in love with me but the more he repeated it to me the more I felt in love with him. His happiness, or at least his serenity was basically my only thought, he would never got what he wanted but I needed to be at least his lifesaver his second choice, and not just because he was in love with a straight guy. if he were in love with a gay guy and had sex with that guy I would have loved him anyway.

In recent times we meet less frequently but when it happens I perceive his very strong presence and his very strong sexuality. I can’t foresee the future but I and Maurice have something that will keep us somehow in love, even though perhaps each of us will go his way. Is this love? Frankly, until a few months ago I would have considered these things absurd and incredible but really happened and now I think that are true forms of love. I learned from Maurice what it means to love, now I’m no more able to worry about myself, I just think I would see him happy!

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NORMAL GAY LIFE AND DEPENDENCE ON PORN

Dear Project,

I walked into an impossible situation and I want to get out of there, I say that I want but I cannot, that’s why I’m writing to you, because maybe other things like that can be happened and perhaps you can give me and advice and help me to get rid of all this. I tell you that I’m just unable to get out by myself. I’m 24, almost 25, I feel gay, I say I feel because I do not know if that’s the case, but the point is not this. Maybe it’s better I tell you things in order. I felt straight up to 22 y.o., again I say that I felt because I do not know if I really was, but from 18 on I had two girlfriends, although for me it was not the best, I was aware that it was not the best, but I didn’t yet think that I was gay. With the two girls I had as well sex, perhaps more out of curiosity but I liked it, that is that when it happened I was not uncomfortable but when it didn’t I was not missing it. I masturbated thinking about girls, there was nothing overwhelming but I felt normal and then the girls I mentioned had just fallen in love with me, I too, maybe, with them, but maybe not seriously. Up to 22, with the University things were going well, I passed my exams and with good grades, then at about 22/23, started the disaster. I’ll explain. I knew a guy who came to us for the first year graduate and we started studying together, and so I realized that I loved being with him. He is straight and don’t have the slightest doubt. I red what you think about falling in love with a straight guy and I understand but I could not get it out of my head, then he was very attentive to me and I think that “in his own way,” he loved me too. However, I was completely upset. I was aroused just thinking about this guy and then we saw each other every day, morning and afternoon to study. When we were together he was studying and I was thinking of him. Studying together lasted six months then he passed his exams and went on, I was not even present the day of the exams and basically I lost the first year of post-graduate, but this would still be a relative thing. Since I was in love with him I began to masturbate thinking about him, and it was something that I loved, all fancy but I felt satisfied, I realized that I was gay and it did not even create problems, if I had him close to me I was happy. When he left me alone to study because I didn’t pass the exams I felt really uncomfortable. I did not go to University not to see him because I knew that between us there could not be anything. My parents went to work and I sat alone at home to watch porn movies starting in a morning, when my parents leaved to the evening when they came back, I used to say to them that I went to the University but did not go. When the night they went to sleep I newly was on my computer to watch porn until three o’clock. When I was more able to manage myself I felt like an idiot to throw away my life like that, but then I could not tear myself away from porn, I had filled the computer of such things. There was no risk because my parents do not even know how to turn on a computer, but my whole life turned around porn and masturbation, which, among other things, now seemed to me a very stupid thing. I began to regret the time when I was straight and had maybe half a normal life. I can no more stand to go on this way. My friend will take the degree in November and I didin’t anything, I’ve only passed two exams and the most stupid. I must absolutely change my life. Among other things, I started to drink a little, not yet too much, and I have to stop before it becomes a problem, even if it still is not. Project I want the life of a gay guy, because it’s what I’m, but a normal life. When I was a hetero girls were looking for me because they tell me I’m a nice guy, but as a gay man I feel nearly the total vacuum. Nobody knows that I’m gay, but being gay is unnerving, if you fall in love with a guy most likely he is straight and you cannot even tell him and then you must have an iron will otherwise you end up on porn like me. I want to be a normal gay, to have a boyfriend who loves me, but this turns out to be difficult and then I start to have the nightmare that I’m going on with my age and also that I could fall into depression. So far I don’t seem to be depressed but if I go on like this the risk is there. I have almost an obsessive fear of not being able to get out and throwing away all my life. You can imagine how I surfed gay sites on the internet and of course I ended up several times on gay project, always avoiding it because there are no pictures and stuff like that then I came across a forum post, a 32 year-old dependent on pornography. For him, things are different, but the obsession with pornography, in fact, is similar. I’m a very private guy and for me telling someone certain things is embarrassing but I can’t do anything more to move forward. University is about to start and I do not want to throw away the third year in a row. I need someone to give me a little desire to start over and tell me that for someone like me there may be a future of normality. You say that for a gay there may be an opportunity to live as he wishes, are you sure? You say it in every way but I see in front of me like a wall of impossibility. I know that I must return to a normal life, it’s almost a week that I force myself not to see more porn and not to drink but then it seems to me a big shit and I’m afraid that everything could resume as before. Answer me in private if you want.

Matthew

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GAY FANTASIES AND REPRESSION IN THE POOL

Hello Project,

reading posts on your blog I was very impressed by some that relate to the reactions of gay guys to the particular atmosphere of the gyms and swimming pools. I’m 23, I think I’m a guy at least average. Now my real problem is that for six months now my life is focused on the pool I attend three times a week. I say totally focused because even though I just started my last year for the master’s degree and my studies are going well, in practice, I live only according to the pool. I am a mid-level swimmer, not exactly a duffer and could maybe do a little competitive activity if I worked out seriously, but for me the pool has a different meaning. I am ashamed to write these things. I see that  guys write very freely about topics on which I would feel embarrassed to even write two lines. I think sometimes that  I have a lot of hang-ups. However I’ll try to say what happens to me, that is I feel a little Peeping Tom. I do not even try to build a relationship with a guy because I’m too afraid, but the day I have to go to the pool I feel very pumped, I do not know if you understand. In practice, the locker room is a bit like a torture, I would stay there for life if I could but I know that anyway I cannot exceed and I have to be very careful to my reactions. On the one hand I’m tempted and for the other I know that I have to repress. Now I have fixed shifts for a long time and I know all the guys of my shift, I’ll bet my head that no one suspects anything, with me they are very natural and breezy but I am very careful not to attract attention. There are three guys, a bit younger than me (20/21), they are always together joking with each other also at sexual level, but I have no doubt that they are all straight, I saw them with their girls and then their jokes in the locker room probably have a sexual meaning only for me. Sometimes I think I’d be straight to be there with the three guys and I could feel like them but it’s not so. They have become a bit my obsession. For a long time I thought they might be gay, or at least that would be one of them, but then slowly I lost hope. But still for me they are a beautiful image, a bit the image of the guys for excellence, beautiful, serene, happy to be alive. but I still look at them and not just for aesthetic reasons, practically I know every anatomical detail of each of the three and I have these things well etched my the mind. I dream of them often, and even dreams are not just naive and you can imagine the rest and I feel like a thief because in fact I’m stealing them something they would never give me if they knew how things really are. Am I crazy, Project? I think that I’ll never be with a guy, let’s say I’m almost sure, for me, sexuality is only this. It’s as if I do not want to grow up and tried to keep clinging to my life preserver which is the locker room in my pool. But then, even there, the sense of frustration is total, there are showers without separation but I never enter the showers area, this is another thing that makes me enormously uncomfortable, you can understand why I do not go there, but every time I leave my house to go to the pool I say a thousand times that it is the right time and that this time I have to go to the showers area without running away, but then the embarrassment takes over and I stay in the locker room and even there I’m always afraid to stay there a few minutes longer than necessary and give someone subject to get to the fact that I’m gay. In practice fantasies and repression for me are mixed together. I sincerely thought not to go in the pool to avoid this torment, but if I did so, later, I would not have anything really important to me, or perhaps only pornography! Well, it looks shabby and at least in the pool guys are real guys. I do not have gay friends, I do not think I’ll have ever, because they may be gay guys who feel realized, they may have a boyfriend or at least try to have one but I do not even try, I feel no desire to react, I fell almost abandoned to the current and I think over time nothing will change. Should I go to a psychologist? With my parents, in practice, I have no dialogue, I could never tell them that I am gay and I am also an only child. Why am I writing to you, Project? I don’t even know, it’s as if we knew already, I’ve read many of your posts and they seem serious. In short, I do not even know what I’m looking for, maybe I’m just looking for someone to tell me what he thinks of me. If you want, you can publish this mail, It’s quite generic, I wonder what the guys of the forum will think, however they are already way ahead of me, I’m still at zero. This is my first attempt to be myself and it costs me a lot.

Hello Project. I await your response.

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HOW I UNDERSTOOD TO BE GAY

 Understanding of being gay … My real problem for at least three years was just that. Until 17 I felt straight, not very enthusiastic in chasing after girls, I had to stand them more than anything else, but there I was and I didn’t refuse girls, and girls sunned after me sometimes, I believe I’m a nice boy and some girl always wanted to be my friend.
At school all my classmates wanted badly to go to dance, especially on Saturday evenings to a disco. Sometimes I went too, between 17 and 18, but going to dance for me meant only going to dance and nothing else, for other guys things were different, they went there to be able to hide somewhere with girls, even without doing anything wrong, or perhaps no, who knows, perhaps I’m naive. I went there and didn’t dance, almost never. When I had to embrace some girl I tried also to keep her distant from “there”.
All these things could make me understand how things were, but nothing like that happened and I understood later why. A that time I went to Church a lot (and now I’m in crisis from this point of view but then everything was different), at that time I didn’t even think I was gay, that is, is not that I was thinking about the problem deducing I was straight, It wasn’t a problem at all for me. It was obvious that I was heterosexual. I didn’t feel gay temptations at all, I know that it seems absurd, but didn’t happen at all. I have read on this forum about getting hard and masturbating for a friend.
Today I know what it means but then such things never happened to me. That little amount of sexual fantasies that I was doing where only about girls, because everybody used to do such things about girls. So to say, then I sublimated everything, more or less, I masturbated but thinking about girls even if it wasn’t an exciting thing. But look. At that time, even showering with my friends in the pool was nothing at all for me. It was a pride for me having my sexuality reduced to a minimum.
When I went to confess, sometimes at least, I hadn’t even to tell that I masturbated because I wasn’t addicted to that and I felt very proud. You can say: “Then how did you live?” Practically all sports, school, volunteering … In short I was a swimmer almost for national selections, not exactly but very close to it and for me those things were important, I spent entire afternoons in the pool and my coach considered realistic the idea of sending me to the Italian championships and this thing was very gratifying for me. .. Do you know what a training level for swimmers like me is? …. Then I added the study, because I was also very good at school and such things made me feel perfect. Teachers at school told me that I was great, the coach told me that I could go to national games, priests told me I was doing very well avoiding masturbation … you understand, I could feel the perfect guy model.
Only my father, sometimes, I think, was a little perplexed, but not that I was gay, that I simply had set aside my sexuality to devote myself to other things. Dad tried to tell me that in life there are other things, certainly he meant girls, but not even nominated, I answered I had many other things to do and that I was thinking a lot about girls. And I was really convinced of thinking girls.
In short, things went on like this up to 19 y. o… Then I signed up for engineering and at engineering department I met Stephen and there our story began. After the first days of class I see that there is a serious guy, a little like me, always taking notes, who does not go out during the intervals and is always there studying his book, a guy who doesn’t use to get acquainted with other guys or to lose time … I notice him, yes, but just notice… then something unpredictable happens, the analysis teacher explains Heine-Cantor theorem doing this premise: “I’ll explain it but you won’t understand anything at all!” For me, like I was at that time, such things ware like a glove challenge.
I had to understand the Heine-Cantor theorem. I work the utmost commitment; approximately, I can also understand the general meaning but did not understand precisely why it was something important and could have a practical utility. The day after, Stephen approaches me (blessed be the Heine-Cantor theorem!) And tells me: “But did you understand the theorem that the teacher explained yesterday?” Look, for me that question had not in any way flavor of a personal approach; it was only a request for explanations about a theorem of analysis. I have tried to master to him from what I understood but Stephen replied objections to which I did not know how to answer and I ended up smiling and enlarging my arms as to say: “Well … perhaps I didn’t understand anything at all!”
When next lesson begins he remains seating next to me, but I don’t even notice. Then at the end of the lesson he tells me: “Do we try to understand how it works?” I say yes and we spend the whole afternoon on the Heine-Cantor theorem, slowly the issue clarifies and at the end we feel the thing pretty simple. In the evening when we say bye we tell each other that next day we were going to ask the teacher whether or not what we understood was right. In the evening, at home, I newly studied the theorem and next morning after class we asked the teacher and he told us that the meaning was exactly what we had understood. I felt radiant … but only for the Heine-Cantor theorem.
In the following days, Stephen thought that we could study together because we were serious guys who don’t like waste time and we began to study together. I would like to underline that we only studied, not even a word about other subjects, we were too taken with the idea of passing all examinations at the first session, and for us that was the first goal. In practice we have only studied until the end of examinations and we passed all exams and all with 30/30 and it wasn’t easy at all. We felt in ecstasy, but next day I missed a lot the study with Stephen … and I think the same happened to him.
He called and told me … what do you do today? My answer: nothing! so we met in the early afternoon but we had nothing to do, we talked all the afternoon, I fully Catholic, he just the opposite but respectful, political ideas were not very different, then we talked about books, cinema, songs, teachers, high school and many other subjects, but never about girls or sex. I then didn’t notice at all such things but later I understood … When we are going to say bye I ask him about his plans for the next day, he offers me an exhibition on Impressionists and I agree.
Next morning, after the exhibition, about which he knew everything more than an art history teacher, we go to eat something at fast food restaurant and then we walk around the city. Together we are good. We are two friends walking in a beautiful July afternoon. In short, things went so for about half a summer.
My parents in August go to the mountains for three weeks; I use to go with them. I ask Stephen what he’s going to do in August, he asks me: “And you?” I say, instinctively: “I’ll stay here …” and he tells me: “I too!” I feel happy. When I go back home I say to my parents that I have to stay at home. My father tells me only: “But don’t’ be mad with books!” At that moment for the first time I realize that I have skipped three weeks in the mountains to stay with Stephen. Several days after he told me he did exactly the same to stay with me.
When my parent were away, Stephen used to come to my house, sex was miles from us, either to him or to me, we were happy to be together, talking, cooking, relaxing and telling each other prudently about our lives. In those afternoons we began to talk about sex: two heterosexual friends who talk about sex, he tells me at the beginning of his two girls and I tell him of my adventures, so to say.
Then our confidence became slowly more and more and he told me that, however, he was not enthusiastic about sex, I told him that for me was just the same and then we discussed with a greater freedom. For me, but I think even for him, it was an incredible sense of liberation talking freely about sex, although in fact we spoke nevertheless much more trough allusions than directly, but substantially our talking was serious. Neither he nor thought to be gay, we were two straight not enthusiastic guys, that was all.
Then Stephen was entirely blocked, the fluency of the previous days seemed to disappear, he came to my house but didn’t like to stay at home but wanted to leave the house to go around the city, not talking about us but just about books and exhibitions. … I had had enough of it … but I did not say anything.
One evening, when he left, he tried not to give me an appointment for the following day; he was formal, and never happened before. I put him on the spot, I saw that he was embarrassed and he told me: “Come on, I’m not going to talk about it … don’t worry, I’m not down on you … “and he left. I was there in all my discomfort, I didn’t know what to think, I called him on the phone, he replied very short messages, then closed the phone but I didn’t let him go, at the end he told me: “Okay, I’ll come tomorrow, you’re right you have to know … “
The next day came, he was stressed, asked me not to interrupt and in very few words told me that he thought he was in love with me but the situation seemed absurd to him because he never fell in love with a boy, what instead was happening . I then still thought I was heterosexual and I replied as I thought a good heterosexual boy should reply to a gay friend of his in such a situation: “I am sorry but I cannot agree because I am heterosexual … I like you but… “He didn’t even let me end my phrase and he left saying that he was tired and didn’t even bear to stay there …
When he left I felt a violent feeling of emptiness, I was a few minutes shocked … then I went racing at the bus stop where he had to take his bus, I saw him get in but didn’t join him in time … I felt death … I said to myself: “But I love this boy … I don’t know about sex factor, but I can’t live without him … “I sent a text message:” I love you … now I understand!”He called me and told me: “Is it true?”I said:” I went racing to reach the stop I saw you get in and leave but I was not able to reach you in time and I was going to break down and cry … I can’t do without you, without you I die … don’t put me down this way … I love you, Stephen … I love you …”, and he said, stay there at the bus stop I’ll arrive in minutes. And he closed the phone …
Ten minutes later I saw him arrive racing and panting … We embraced crying in the middle of the road. Do not think that we went home to have sex, to get there; it took more than a month. He wanted us, both, to do test for AIDS and then our relationship was characterized by a form of mutual shyness, hesitation, a little as Project says.
Now we are together for a year, we passed all examinations also of the second year … I think that without Stephen I would never have understood to be gay. Now we have our whole sexuality but it’s too private and I’ll keep it private. I just wanted to say that there are many ways to feel gay and perhaps there are so many ways of being gay that it is difficult to understand them completely. Thanks to all and to Project in particular.
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GAY COLLEGE GUYS

No clouds, no fog, no raining, it’s a very lovely day, sun, light, warmth, everything good. No many people in the sidewalk, no hurry, no crowd, no traffic. It’s a fantastic Sunday morning, near campus just few boys scattered on the big green lawn, some of them stretching, others jogging, someone just hanging around or chatting with some friends. It’s very good living over here for a boy my age, just a freshman out of school, with so many ideas to follow, searching for nothing else than to live his own life. Well! The life, my own life… easy to say, very difficult to do, my life nevermore will be a family boy life, now I’m in a new city, my parents, brothers, sisters, cousins and also friends, or if you like better boys that had to attend the same school I went to, are very far from me, not only physically but also, and I would like better say above all, psychologically.
I’m, so to say, a new boy, no more school, college is different, no loneliness, no sadness, only new goals to achieve, new chances to get and perhaps new friends to get in touch. I would have rent a flat but I haven’t any money, my parents only allowed me to stay in a dorm near the university, but it wasn’t for greed, truly they don’t have money. Therefore, I’m not disappointed of that, it’s obvious, not against me but, if you like, to give me a possibility, the only possibility, to get out of my family in order to try a better chance. Now I’m alone, that’s right, but for the first time in my life I’m a free boy, I’ll have to deal with so many new things, but I would also feel the eager sensation of freedom, no control, no get back at that time, no being called for this and that, no obligations, no rules, only a new world to experiment, full of hope, of happiness, I think, perhaps also of dangers and so many other things I still don’t know at all.
I only have to go to the dorm, get some information, put down my luggage, check my room, my new room, my only room, because I didn’t have any room before, then would put my clothes on the shelves, take a shower, go walking here and there, and wait, wait for tomorrow for lessons to start, for my new life to start.
I just got to the dorm office, a secretary gives me a form to fill, name, phone number and so on, I fill it with care then give it to the secretary, she prints a second form with the rules of the dorm then gives me it and a rigid plastic ticket with my name printed on and also the keys of the room, she didn’t tell me anything about roommates or no roommates and I didn‘t ask her. I’d liked better a single room? I don’t think so, I’d liked better to have a roommate in order to chat with, to have a fun time, to speak about so many things. I’d liked better catch the lift but the lift is out of service and I have time and stress to spend to get to my room on the ninth floor. I’m sweaty, my heart is pounding fast, but now I’m finally on the ninth floor. Room 987… where is it? No, not over here, perhaps over there, no, neither… what a big building! Terrible! Nobody in the corridor never in the hall, never in the services, nobody at all… it’s Sunday… well… yes… it’s Sunday, perhaps I would stay alone all day long… that’s not a good thing… Oh! Finally! 987… my room… the key, the key, the key… where is it? In the pocket… in the bag… no… goddamn where are you shit of a key! Finally! … That’s not so bad… two beds, no luggage, good! Good panorama… I can see ten miles long… just a little windy, too much sunny, perhaps too much light… but better so… and… no bathroom? No… no bathroom… that’s not so good… no, no… but as usually I have to stay quiet, as usually there’s nothing to do. No flat, only a room, a two-bed room in the dorm… that’s perfect… no money… much more stress. It would have been good to stay in a big flat with a king bed, with a kitchen, with a … with a bathroom… no, other things are not necessary but the bathroom… take a shower with no worry about too much warm water to be wasted… use a big bath tube like the ancient Romans, stay in the bathroom for hours, in the warmth, in the steam… but stop dreaming! I’m here with no lift, no roommate, no bathroom… that’s the beginning of my new life… very awful beginning… I hope it would be better tomorrow… now cloths in the closet, right, shoes near the bed… witch bed? This or that? This would be better, from here I could dominate everything in the room, my roommate would be in full light, I could se him and he couldn’t see me… no, he could see me also… no, better the other bed… from there… no… better the first one… yes, yes, better the first one… and witch closet? There is a key on this one, no key over there, but this one is near the other bed… I have to change them, yes, I have to set this one over there and that one over here… It will not be a big weight… no, it’s easy, not so difficult… well now it’s better, and I have to put everything in my, very my, closet, and use a key… and he has to use the other closet with no key and perhaps I can inspect everything, his clothes, his books, letters, no privacy for him, everything in sight… good, good, good! What have I to do with a key? I’ll keep it? I’ll hide it? And where? Out of the window? No, very strange site… under the mattress? Very obvious… Perhaps it could stay over there… or not? Better keep, yes… better keep! And now? … goddamn! Nothing to do… get downstairs, go for a walk… or stay waiting for my roommate? Big problem to deal with… Downstairs, that’s right… no lift but I can’t stay here waiting for someone who could exist or not… downstairs!
Got out of the room pushed the button for the elevator… and the lift was working. Good, good, good! … Things are going to turn well!
I just arrived on the ground floor and I saw someone in the big hall, two guys in particular, talking about lessons, professors, they seamed very polite, gentle, not like many college boys. I’m astonished students are like that? No… at list usually not… strange, very strange… with boys like that it’s impossible to fooling around… they are so perfect and also so out of touch… it would be very difficult to get in touch with them… Mark, Mark, … you could have chosen a better place, too much pride here, no friendship… keep patient… perhaps it’s only the surface, the academic year didn’t start yet… tomorrow, tomorrow… better get out of here better the fresh air, better … and now, where will I go for dinner? … From Monday till Saturday it’s possible to have a dinner in the dorm cafeteria, a fast dinner with all the students, but Sunday no cafeteria service, Sunday you have to go to the restaurant or simply have a sandwich… people who have money go to the restaurant… other people like me… obviously… have only a sandwich… in order to save money, you know, that’s very difficult for a poor family guy to study, college was and is still now only upper class school… I have to stop thinking… here in America no money no future! That’s the simplest equation; there is no way to escape… that’s regular… like I was born like I have to die. Sunday morning, a shining morning, good! Very good!… Go to a sneak bar, to Mc’ Donald’s? I don’t know, it’s only 9.10 I’ll have to wait till lunch time… or better go to the supermarket just buy something to eat, save money and then go back to the dorm, I would bring there something to eat… perhaps I could find my roommate if there is one… Probably he will arrive in the evening, in late evening in order to save vacation time, but he could also arrive tomorrow morning, it would be even better… clearly for him… but I could also go back to the dorm straight now and take a shower, a shower with nobody around, it would not be like what I was dreaming about but at list it would be a shower… and after… newly to wait, to do nothing till tomorrow morning… no, the shower can wait… better go downtown… but this is not a big city, just schools, hospitals, but not for sick people, only hospitals for students, … There are also good trees over here, trimmed like my head… we are going to the cold season… o my God! … I’m very silly, no… very stupid… worst, I’m only a peace of shit … boys, be careful not to tread on me! … Boys like the two I just saw at the dorm, sure, don’t love to be in the shit! They are polite, the are gentlemen… I’d better to keep out, better nothing than being kicked out by boys like that… I’m complaining that I have no money … I’m pathetic! They have money! Just this! I’ve not… that’s all… simple, very simple… I’m a shit, they are shoes… they go to the restaurant, they arrive late, just in time for bed… and they are those who live in the dorm, I can imagine how are those who live in rented flats or better in big houses, with gardens, big cars, much money, a lot of chicken… and so on… For them I’d be less than shit or rubbish… Upper class boys… Horrible! … And also neither a water fountain, I’m thirsty… and I can’t find any fountain to drink… I would have to buy the water… not a mineral water, simply the natural one… everything to bay, if you have money, no problem, if you have not you mast die thirsty… simply, regular, nothing strange! I could drink the rain water but it’s sunny and I have no time to wait for the rain … I could drink the toilet water, not that from the sink but exactly that from the john… I’m a shit… isn’t it? No worry! I’ll go to the supermarket straight now… if it’s open, if not, I’ll go back to the dorm… and if there is someone like the two boys I just saw… I could kill them… the shoes that crushes the shit! I’m perverted, mentally perverted… no… I’m just a lower class boy that has to wait till tomorrow morning with just a little money… little money little respect, little … just everything is little for me… a little peace of shit… gals like money, gals don’t like guys, they like money, restaurants and so on… and guys don’t like gals, they like good food, to be served like a boss, they don’t like parents or grandparents they only like inheritances, houses, cars, power, money… they, they, they… yes, and what do I like? … No… better to stay quiet… I like something and like it very well, but it’s better to stay quiet… And my roommate? Fat, noisy, worst nosy, and also smelling bad, sure he’ll be like that, another peace of shit, at list we’ll be just two… upper class society “Shit & Shit Company”… better nobody than a roommate like that, or worst like the two I just saw. Goddamn! Closed! … I’m very lucky, no water, no food, nothing at all… restaurants, yes too many restaurants and very crowded too… but no money no restaurant! Everything is for upper class guys, noting for me, just fresh air, just go walking up and down, down and up with no food no water, no money! Always the same… nothing to do… better go and take a shower, it’s already paid, I already paid money for the dorm, for the shower, for the… My roommate, if there is one, could also not have much money… that sounds better, lower class society “Deprived & Wretch Company”… it’s 11.00 I go to take my shower… Nobody, like last time… good! The lift works! 180 stairs saved! Nobody neither in the ninth floor… nobody till the room 987… and now the most important question… did he arrive yet my roommate? … one, two, three… open! No! Nobody neither here… well… better get a shower… what will I do? Get over there clothed and disrobe in the locker room or go in my bath suit? … No! I have to change in the changing room, if there is one… the soap… the necessary to brush the teeth , to comb, to shave… that’s all, better I go… everything is quite… good facilities, big, well cleaned, but over all very big, big shower space with twelve heads… twelve! Strange! But how many guys live here? There are one hundred rooms in each floor… one hundred! Twelve heads for about one hundred guys, it will be impossible to take a shower in the morning… perhaps they would be less than one hundred, perhaps fifty o forty or even less… I don’t know… now I have to take my shower… Good locker room too! Very good lockers! Big… but a key? I don’t have my key, probably I had to get it at the secretary office… I’d better go right now and get back as soon as possible, I’ll leave everything this way, I think nobody will pick up my shirt or my soap… The lift runs, good… the secretary… no! She isn’t in the office… “closed for dinner till 14.00”… Also secretaries have to eat, there is only one who don’t have to eat, he as to get a shower but till 14.00 not locker keys… another time to the lift, another time to the showers… good, clothes on the bench and hope nobody would steal it, it would be awful get out of the shower and find that clothes have been stolen… no! No problem… no one in sight… to change is very easy now but tomorrow, in the morning, in the crowd… let get to the showers… well, warm water, a lot of worm water, not like at home… shower at home was a trouble, my father firs, then Jason, then Betty, then my mother, then Ben, I was the last one, cool water, dirty stall, five minute shower and that was all, here it’s different, a lot of worm water, I wouldn’t stop showering no more, it feels good, very good… but I have to get out, I have to shave, to comb, to dress, and then to go back at my room, the 987 room… and wait till the late evening… but if in the Sunday, every Sunday, things will go on like that I’d like better get back home… but it’s impossible because of the money, but I have to be used in such a thing, I have to buy something to eat, something to drink, because I think it’s not so hygienic to drink the water of the showers… Perhaps today things go like that because the academic year didn’t start yet, perhaps usually it would be possible to survive also in the Sundays, some student would stay to study without noise and keeping concentration… now the shave, at the sink, looking at the mirror… warm water, a lot of worm water like in the shower… and now to comb… now I’m ready… but ready what for? For nothing at all, for waiting, for resting, for annoying, for getting mad… I can’t stand this absolute silence, when I got the train to get here I couldn’t stand the noise, now I can’t stand the silence, this absurd silence in a dorm for one thousand guys, I’m the only one so stupid to get here when everybody is still home… I’m very stupid, dad was right when he used to say so, perhaps he was joking but he was right … Enough! Enough! What I’ll do till tomorrow morning? Well it’s better to go to bed… but I don’t wont to go to sleep in such a sunny afternoon, no, I’ll go back in the park, I’d like to find a dog, just a dog to stroke, to look at, right in the eyes… but dogs don’t like guys, dogs like hotdogs, ham, foods… , so to say, dogs are human…
Dogs like humans… what does it mean? That the dogs love humans or that they are very similar to humans… English is a strange language… I’m bored… in order to go to the cinema you need money, so much time to waste, what time? 3.15 p.m. … It’s better I go to seat on a park bench… lower class guy’s meditation! Perhaps I need a psychoanalyst … no… it’s too expensive upper class staff… I need only money… that’s all… yes, I need money so I would have to do some work somewhere, bars, stores, even restaurants… so I could say I go to the restaurant everyday, it would sound good… and I could catch also some food with no money… good deal!
Very good! Or I could became a personal trainer in a gym or in a fitness center… perhaps also a chicken trainer… I’d like better guys trainer… but I could accept also to become a chicken trainer … yes, not so bad… but perhaps it could be old chicken trainer that sound’s worst, I could earn a little money and also use the gym to work out… I like very well to keep in shape… the gym would be the better solution… personal trainer in a gym… but I’m not a six pack, I’m not an hunk, I’m not well tanned … physically too I’m just a peace of shit… I’d go to a gym, introduce myself and they would remain to listen to me, perhaps they think I’m a customer ready to pay in order to be trained… but when they understand I’m non a customer but a poor guy searching for a job… yes, obviously they would kick me out, no matter hunk or nor, if you aren’t a customer you have to be kicked out. Other jobs? Which ones? Lifeguard… impossible, no sea nearby, pizza delivery boy… no Italian food here, I’d better steal… but I never tried, I’d ask someone: – Please have you something to steal? – And he would respond: – Are you rich? Because I can’t absolutely stand to be stolen by a poor one…rich people are allowed to steal, you know, they are so pleasant, so polite… are you a rich? – I would respond no and he would kick me out… A big house is much than a big intelligence and much more than the reputation of being an honest man that perhaps could be really a big obstacle. I’m an honest person …that means a stupid, never steal, never swindle people, never cheat… therefore no flat, non car… no chicken… that’s not a big problem for me… but also no boyfriends… or just a little, stupid boys like me, Lisa was going to fall in love, we walked hand in hand and we kissed so many times… something very strange for me but I did just as I was interested… but she never went where I lived, I didn’t want her to know where I lived… but really happened what never wouldn’t have happened, she got downtown and forced me to let her give me a lift where I lived. She was very delightful, that day she told me something sweet and went away pretending to go to her crank aunt but then she abruptly disappeared and I nevermore saw her. She wasn’t so stupid ad the end… My love story end: I love you, without you I’m lost, money is nothing for me, you have to trust me… but now I have something better to do, bye-bye! This is the love! Love of what? … And upper class friends where not so different, they liked me just till discovered what I really was… Lower class friends where different but they liked better to get in touch with people of more high social level, I was their second choice… they always pretended not to be what they really where, without pretending to be rich it was impossible to be accepted by upper class guys… in my town there was only one school that’s why everybody had to go to that school, in another town nearby the schools where two: upper and lower class school… that’s a regular education: boys have to know if they are clever or lazy, if they have to go to college or to stay unemployed all life long and it depends on whether or not they are rich. … What time is it now? I have to walk till 17.00 but at 17.00 I’ll go back to the dorm. Now 16.30, thirty minutes to spend in something better than thinking about such stupid things… there is much more people around than before, students with bags, taxis, a little traffic, I’d better get back to the dorm right now, stand up and go… the parking in front of the dorm is crowded, singles, couples, threesomes, chatting, carrying luggage, well dressed, no t-shirt and jeans, only blue suit, ties, well pressed trousers and jackets, shining shoes… shoes to tread on a peace of shit… upper class
students, they sure have someone that polishes their shoes that’s why they don’t care to soil their shoes of shit… Mark, stay quiet, now you are going to a big deal, now you must demonstrate all your courage and must accustom yourself to tolerate everything pretending of being like them… but in a place like this, where there is much people, must you greet everybody? How many guys! I would have to wait for the lift but there are too many boys over there, it’s better I go upstairs on foot… goddamn! Keep quiet! The worst is just coming! Guys like that often play the usual cat and mouse game in order to catch some lower class guy to have fun with, to pants in front of some gals. Guys have never to relax, they have to pay attention, stay wide awake not to be pantsed… but only if they are lower class, on the contrary if they are upper class the hunting is mandatory, they have to remark who is up and who is down, who can and who can’t do this or that: class has its duties! Reach people are open minded, they have no limits, whatever they like is possible, but they are always nice guys, crew cut, they wear ties even in the shower, their shit has scent of flowers, they always smile even when they are going to kill you, they aren’t sincere neither with themselves, but they are polite, urban, they will never tell you that you are rubbish or shit, they only think so, but never would say. … Goddamn there is a strip of light under the door! My roommate just arrived… well… go ahead!
– Good evening… I’ Mark, I think we’ll be roommates…
– Good… I’m Robert but friends call me Rob…
– Hello Rob…
– I come from Cleveland, where do you come from?
– Just from a little town that’s no more in the road maps, because its too little… only farms, scattered in the land.
– But this little town has a name?
– They call it four oaks and that’s all…
– And you… what do you study?
– English literature… and you?
– Economics… my father forced me to study economics, otherwise the tap would have been turned out… no economics no money… that’s why I’m here, I’m a sophomore, and you?
– I’m just a freshman…
– Very very interesting… be careful, freshmen are not allowed everywhere and you must hold more ancient students like me in high regard, that’s mandatory for a freshman… and where are you going for supper? I’ll go with some friends to have a pizza… if you like…
– Sorry, I have already reserved with a group of friends it will be for another time and I’m late….
– Ok, what time do you get back?
– About 11.00 any you?
– Never before two in the morning… that’s my last night of freedom…
– You’re right… I’m going, bye!
– Bye Mark and be careful… freshmen must undergo something awful… bye bye!
Goddamn… and now to get back I must wait for him to get out… he has to go to have a pizza with his friends… I told him I have reserved to the restaurant… reserved? I’m starved… but no money no restaurant! … I would have killed him… keep careful about pantsing… you are a freshman but I’m a sophomore… I come from Cleveland… my father forced me to economics… no economics no money… Wow now I have only to wait… but … strange… before getting out I cast a glance at my closet but there wasn’t any key…neither in the other closet, keys have disappeared, I must go back for another glance… that’s strange, very strange, he didn’t even mention keys… but there wasn’t any key in my closet… I’m Robert, but friends call me Rob, like saying I’m William, but friends call me will, in the baby meaning, or like willy-nilly… but no, he’s only Robert, Robert the strong, lion-hearted Robert… and I’m Mark the rabbit, shit-Mark… but I have to inspect everything not to decide abruptly… we have to play cards, yes, but I have to shuffle them before dealing them out… Mark the rabbit will not be so stupid… be careful boy! … something strange is going to happen… well, time to go back to the dorm, not so much crowd at this moment… good! No light strip under the door… good… no key… but my closet is closed! … closed… no doubt… and the other closet… this one is opened and all my clothes are within it … what a disorder! … he has taken everything out and has thrown it on the shelves without respect, t-shirts, briefs, socks, soap… everything… I cannot tolerate such things…he must learn to respect people…but I’ve to be careful… what to do? Put a chewing gum in the lock of the closet? To carry his closet to another room and to put to its place an empty closet? I have to choose something not so strange so that I can pretend to be completely innocent… better I have to go back to dorm after he went back, so it will turn out obviously that I’m not at all interested in the matter. But there’s a thing I can’t understand… how was he able to open my closet that was locked? Because he effectively opened it otherwise he couldn’t have pulled outside all my clothes… the closet was locked and he opened it with a false key or something similar… nothing stolen… it is true, my lovely buddy does not have stolen anything but there was nothing to steal, but he forced effectively the closet without even mention it… very good buddy!… very upper class guy! I’d better to kill him… no! Too much work! I’ll kill him later, now I’d like to do something better, but I have first to open his closet, to force his closet, but I have to revenge because revenge is sweet! With one of these bag clasps it would be possible, I’ve just to fold it just a little… good! Opened!… And now it’s time to have a look… well… perfume, after shave, shampoo, some book… socks, boxers very high class style… condoms, trousers, t-shirts, bath suit and what’s this? Pills? Medicine? No box, just a small bottle, no label but the shape is strange, I already saw pills like that, now I remember, are Viagra tablets! … Viagra at nineteen? Poor guy! He needs no punishment… the upper class guy! How can he be so stupid… Certainly he comes from another world… and I was searching for a boyfriend… We met one hour ago and I can’t stand him… very good starting… College is really very different from gay stories… very different… I must replace every thing to its place and go to bed, I must pull aggressiveness apart, just reset everything, like that, and now bed time, I must go to sleep without eating… I’m not an upper glass guy! … this evening ended, now I must only think about tomorrow morning, tomorrow the academic year begins, tomorrow no more personal problems, enough with upper class and low class, from tomorrow on I must only study, I’m here just for this reason… not so romantic! Really not so romantic!