Hi Project,I’ve been reading you since I was 20, now I’m 32 and I have had my experiences of what it means to be gay. I went through all the phases, from the desire to find a guy, to the first experiences and then to quite significant stories, that is, to three stories that occupied my years from 20 to 30, then I detached from all this and, now, I have been alone just for a couple of years and I don’t know what to do.
My first important story, that is, I should say my first story that seemed important, was with a good guy who never fell in love with me, not because he was in love with another guy, but because he was bisexual, he was “somehow” in love with me with me but he thought to women and every now and then he allowed himself some adventure, always with women. For heaven’s sake! I understand it very well, for him it was a physiological thing, it was in his nature, and probably it is I who am wrong thinking that I’m with you making love but maybe you’re thinking of a girl, because perhaps “in those moments” there are no girls in your brain, but let me tell it (what I never did in front of you), but I don’t really like such complicated situations. I know it’s the way it works for bisexuals but it’s not good for me. I know that if he was gay he could have done the same with a guy instead of a girl but it’s different, if he had been really gay he would have felt deeply involved at least sometimes, but with him the involvement was always very relative, or maybe I was upset because of other motivations and my brain was a pressure cooker about to explode, then he told me that I was not the guy he was looking for and that he wanted to try to get together with a girl, I had nothing else to tell him than: “Happy wedding and male children!” So I said to myself, “It’s my fault! It goes without saying that if I get together with a bisexual then it ends up like this! ”
A couple of months later I know a guy who looked “serious”, so to say, one who studies, who thinks about his position, about the future, not one who wastes his time, not one who doesn’t study and when is looking for work does everything to not find it. He’s serious, he’s interested in sex but sex is not his fixed idea, in short, the story starts. At the beginning everything is quite well, we see each other very little because he always has to study, but when we meet we are well together. He graduated, I had left the university halfway and at that time I was already working, then he tells me that he must do his doctorate in Germany, which is very important for him, etc. etc., in short, he leaves for Germany and we start to meet in the evening on social media, I go to meet him in person a couple of times a year, I wait for his doctorate to finish, he finishes it but doesn’t come back to Italy, he goes to work for a research Institute in Paris, I understand that he will stay in Paris for at least four years, so I tell him that I don’t feel like going on like this, that I can’t move to Paris because my job is in Italy. He doesn’t even try to insist, he simply tells me that given the logistical complications, as he calls them, perhaps it is better for each of us to follow his own path. Basically he dismissed me like that, then I learned that he had gone to Paris because he had met a French gay guy in Germany, who worked in his own research Institute and they lived already together in Germany, but he had “forgotten” to tell me this little detail. And then I said to myself: “It’s my fault! Those who are thinking of too big problems can’t think also of me! I have to stay away from such people!”
At 26 I met my last boyfriend, with him things were much more complicated. We met casually for business reasons, at the beginning I wasn’t absolutely interested in him, he was not my type, he seemed too talkative, too complimenting, let’s say, a little fake or at least one who seems acting. There were immediately misunderstandings, every time I started to say something, he used to analyze what I had said finding the strangest meanings in it. Sometimes he just got on my nerves, I couldn’t stand him, I thought I would never get together with someone like him and instead it happened because he slowly brought me there and I, like an idiot, went after him. I should have stopped him immediately but I didn’t and he felt encouraged and step after step he gained ground and it was increasingly difficult for me to get rid of him. Once he calls me, he tells me that he feels terrible because his boyfriend left him and I go to his house to console him. It was my worst mistake! We ended up in bed the same evening, but as a “consolation”, which is certainly not the best. When I came back to my house, late at night, I felt a total imbecile and I understood that if I had not taken the courage with both my hands, I wouldn’t have gone out from that story anymore. But I didn’t take the courage with both my hands. Every time I went to him I said to myself. “This time and that’s enough!” just like those who know they will never get out of an addiction. He knew how to do, he knew my weak sides, he encouraged me, he consoled me when things were not going well. In short, our story, or it would be better to say our half story, has been going on for years. Sometimes he asked me to go to his house and I went there but I would have liked so much to stay at my house and not go anywhere, nevertheless I used to go to have sex with him, that is, to have sex with someone who had never been in my sexual fantasies, and this is also a bit depressing, over time he had become sticky, jealous of my previous guys, he wanted to know everything about them, but also about their sexual preferences, he asked me if we had made some videos while having sex, and this question left me like a dried cod, he saw me fall from the pear tree, so to say, and insisted that everyone does it and that it’s normal, in that moment I began to fear that he had placed some hidden cameras to record our sex meetings and I began to be afraid of him, maybe I was exaggerating, but I didn’t feel calm.
Since then I started spending the afternoons thinking about how I could get rid of him in a non-traumatic way. It was becoming an obsession. I couldn’t find any possible method, anyhow our relationship has cooled down a lot, up to meet no more than a couple of times a month. Once I call him to probe the ground and he answers me in a very formal way (something very unusual for him) and then I hear a male voice saying. “Who is?” and he replies. “He’s a friend I haven’t heard from in a long time!” In short, he had found another guy. I never called him again and luckily it ended like this! And then I said to myself: “It’s my fault! I can’t go with someone I don’t like!”
I was 32 years old and frankly I felt no longer like to look for another gay guy! My friends were enough for me, a few friends, always the same, friends who meet once every two months! I’ve been alone for a few months now but I feel still uncomfortable. At 32, it’s too early to achieve the full peace of mind, I mean the total detachment from sexuality! I look at the guys on the street, I haven’t lost this old habit of mine but the total involvement that I once used to feel I don’t feel it anymore. Now I begin to feel melancholy for an impossible thing. On the one hand there is the temptation to try at least another time, but on the other there is the experience that stops me and says to me: “But where are you going? Do you want to make the fourth edition of your failures?” and so I stop before taking rash steps and I go back to my den. Of course many times I have the impression of wasting my life, also because if I don’t do it now, I mean what I’d like to do, I will not do it anymore! And in practice I risk putting myself in an early old age condition, and frankly doing it now I think it’s too much early. But having said that, the big question remains: what to do? Should I download that famous app on my mobile? Or should I join some dating sites? But I never did such things and maybe I did wrong, because I could have found the guy of my dreams right there.
At the moment I have no goals, there is a guy that interests me and for whom perhaps I would take a risky step, but he is six years younger than me and I don’t even know if he is gay, even if certain things make me think it could be. But maybe he has a girlfriend and gets married in a month! Anyhow a guy like that still puts me in crisis. He works in a supermarket where I go shopping, he gives me an impression of lightness, looks like a happy guy who tends to smile at people, at the supermarket he has become the darling of old women because he treats them well without exaggerating. I also tried to infiltrate among the customers, he was very professional with me, but in the end he smiled at me too. Once, he was pushing a big cart full of groceries at too high a speed so that he was about to lose control of it and the cart was going to crash into a frozen food cabinet, I got in the way and stopped the cart, he flashed me a beautiful smile, I waved to be more cautious and he made a move enlarging his arms as if to say: “Ok, I don’t do it anymore!”
What do I know about this guy? I know his name because it is written on a kind of pin from the supermarket that he carries as an identification, but here I will call him Paul for privacy, I know his age, because he said it, not to me but to one of his old ladies, when old women ask him about his girlfriend, because someone does it, he never talks about it, he is radically evasive on the subject and limits himself to changing the subject, and such a behavior makes me think. It seems too little to me to think about talking to him. I’d like it to happen by accident, like the history of the cart, but it may never happen. Could he be my fourth failure? He is a handsome guy, the most beautiful thing he has is his smile. And then what can I invent to start a conversation? I had thought that I could try to understand what time he gets out of the service in the evening and in order to pass “by chance” over there, but I thought of even worse hypothesis, for example that I could pass out in the supermarket when there is only him, so that he should give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but maybe instead he could call the ambulance to take me to the hospital!
I have not lost my head for this guy, but I have him in my fantasy, the fact is that in all probability I’m not in his fantasy! Is it really so pathological for someone my age to be at this level? I talked about it with one of my friends, with whom I hardly ever talk about these things, and he listened to me and it took him a while to answer, sign that he was thinking about it, then he told me it’s very stupid to think that this guy will be the one who will change my life, but thinking that he cannot be that guy in principle it’s no less stupid, and that after all, if I try and things go wrong, I only took my fourth punch in face, but if the story ends well – he said – my life can really change. After all, the answer is obvious and in a sense encouraging, but between saying: “Try!” and really trying there is an abyss, it would be complicated even with a girl, but with a guy there is the risk that he can completely disgrace you, even if I don’t think this is the case.
Can I ask you what you think about?
Hi Alby,you ask me what I think? Well, I think that what your friend told you is absolutely true. It’s evident that this guy interests you a lot, so a possible story can’t anyway follow the model of that one with your third boyfriend. Problems, however, are many, in the first place you don’t even know whether he’s gay or not and, on such a thing, relying on the so-called gay radar only is absolutely inadvisable. You should talk to him, you should try to build a minimum of friendship. I think giving up a priori would provoke in the future a series of very frustrating regrets, while giving up knowing that he’s straight would be somehow a very different thing, but if you don’t have even a minimum of relationship with him you will never know how things are and how far you can go. I just give you trivial advice: go to the supermarket often, try to exchange a few words about the weather or the about the supermarket service, then see if he immediately cuts off the conversation or instead he doesn’t let it drop. Don’t be afraid, even from the few elements you have at your disposal, he doesn’t seem like a guy who likes to put others in trouble. I don’t think you would have too much to lose anyway. I don’t know what else to say to you, except that I’m a fan of you and that I hope him to be finally the right guy for you.
A hug and good luck!
a few months have passed since my first email and things have changed as I never would have imagined. I’ve been looking for a way to start talking to him. I went to the supermarket very early without the mask and waited for him outside. Employees enter 40 minutes before opening to the public and there were no customers. I called him from afar, he recognized me immediately, I told him that I had to do the shopping but I didn’t have a mask, he replied telling me : “Wait there, I’ll find one for you.” After 5 minutes he came back with a packet and a 5 euro receipt, I gave him the 5 euro, which he had paid in advance for me, and I put on the mask. I thanked him very cordially! Then I went in to do the shopping and when, during my shopping, I went to him we had a few minutes of conversation because nobody was there, then I went to get him a sandwich and a drink and I put everything in a paper bag, I went back to him (my legs were shaking!) and I gave him the bag saying “Thanks!” He seemed puzzled but looked inside the little bag, then looked at me as if to say: “But there was really no need of such a thing!” I thanked him again and then I left.
With gimmicks of this kind, slowly a minimum of relationship has been created. He had said once that he had no car, and one day when there was a bad storm in the evening, I stopped by the supermarket waiting for him. At the exit time, when I saw him I called him, as if I were passing there by chance, he got into my car, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, I said to him: “Where can I accompany you? Because it pours.” and he said, “I have to go to my girlfriend, but it’s far!” For me, that word was like a stab, but now I couldn’t back down. Meanwhile we exchange cell phone numbers, then he calls his girlfriend, tells her that he is in the car with a friend (me), they talk for a few minutes but I can’t understand the real meaning of what they are saying and in the end he tells her to wait for us at the building door in 10 minutes. I stop under the girl’s house and the girl gets into the car too, she is not only a beautiful girl but also very intelligent and it’s evident that there is a very strong understanding between them. Paul asks me to accompany him and the girl to his house, and tells me where, I drive almost mechanically, I have the impression of having thrown myself into a story that doesn’t fit to me at all, in short, of having thrown myself into another of my troubles.
Once there, Paul tells me: “Park and come with us!” I say that I don’t want to disturb and that I prefer to go away, but he says to me: “Look, there is someone who wants to meet you!” I feel strange and ask: “And who is he?” and he replies: “My brother!” and adds a phrase that is to me like another stab: “I have a gay brother!” I try to disengage myself, but while I’m putting together all my speech, the brother (I will call him Mauro) comes down the street and invites me to go up. I was having a heart attack. He was a beautiful guy, even better than his brother, a guy really sunny and I knew he was gay and he wanted to meet me. We go up to the house all four, Mauro had prepared four sandwiches and drinks, we eat and drink, then Mauro says to his brother and his girl: “We go away so you can be more comfortable!”
Mauro explains to me that his brother had told him about all my maneuvers to approach him, Mauro had understood on the fly that there was something underneath and for that he was curious to know me. Mauro was 25 years old, one less than his brother, he was a beautiful guy, ok , but I really didn’t want to delude myself about anything. Looking at him the first time, I had thought: “A guy like this one must have already had his experiences!” And instead he had never had a guy, but that’s not enough, at 25 he was already a graduate and worked. In short, Project, after a couple of months in which we basically studied each other remotely, Mauro became my boyfriend and Paul and his girlfriend became my best friends. Mauro also has a nice character, he never leaves me to myself, he understands what I think, he’s strong, I’m not afraid that our story will end, he also sees things in a way not far from mine. With him I feel good from all points of view, I can say that I have rediscovered the pleasure of being gay. I will soon be 33 years old and it almost doesn’t seem possible to me that things have changed so radically and instead it happened!
A strong hug. If you want to publish the emails, do it freely.
If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-story-of-a-gay-guy-aged-20-to-32