GAY GUYS BETWEEN COUPLE LIFE AND CAREER

Hi Project,

I have been following your forum for years, albeit occasionally. Somehow you covered all the topics, but one was only mentioned in a couple of posts, probably because it is very often linked to the failure of the couple’s life. I refer to the conflict of aspirations between two guys, not to the conflict of their dreams, which generally doesn’t put anything in crisis, but to the conflict of their concrete aspirations and their decisive professional choices. I know you don’t like such a speech, but, gay or non-gay, when a guy is called to a choice between emotional and professional life, he cannot always “save goat and cabbages” (a typical Italian expression that means  reaching a compromise and getting both things that seemed to be mutually exclusive), and it happens frequently enough that he has to give up one of the two things to save the other. In some cases, compromise choices cannot be made because it would end up ruining both affective and professional life. A gay guy can fall in love non only with another guy but he can as well fall in love with his job, his career which sometimes entails so many gratifications, and also with the fact of reaching an enviable economic position. These things happen, and they’re not that rare at all. Often, if you put the two options on the two plates of the balance you realize that it is perfectly in balance and so, if you are not really madly in love, you decide to leave your boyfriend and dedicate yourself completely to your career. You don’t imagine, Project, the power that the idea of becoming someone, that is of becoming important, can have on a guy. It is clear that making a radical choice is anyhow lacerating, because one would instinctively try to save both feelings and career, and when you realize that it is not possible and that you have to make a radical choice, because the third way, that of compromise, is unavailable, you feel split in two. 

I can’t tell you my story by going into too much detail because I have to save my privacy (not just mine) and therefore I will mainly tell you about my moods. When you enroll at the university you still see it from outside and from afar as a mountain to climb. If you work hard with the maximum effort you get your three-year degree without wasting too much time, then during the two years of your master’s degree you dream of a doctorate, you try to convince yourself that you may not get there and instead you graduate and get there. Of course it takes effort and commitment, but then you get there, then there is the post-doc, which seems a distant option, but in the end that too comes and the road that opens up in front of you is very attractive. You feel at least a bit important, you are no longer the low man on the totem pole and the prospects of an academic career begin to take concrete form, publications increase and also your credit in the scientific world. Up to this point it seems all logical, all beautiful, but there is the other side of the coin, there is a price to pay, if you think about your past you see that you have never had a real emotional life, because the emotional life takes time and if you dedicate time to research you cannot dedicate it to emotional life. In practice more or less you always did  monastic life. 

If one is in a similar situation he begins to ask himself a thousand questions but in practice he has no doubt about what to do in the future, simply because he has no alternative, he can only go on on the path he has followed up to that moment. But since a few months I had an alternative. I had met, always in the university environment, a guy my age (here I’ll call him Mark), who had followed a path practically superimposable to the that I had followed, even if in a very different sector. It had taken us a while to understand that we were both gay and, since we had long been hungry for affectivity, it took us even a short time to have our first sexual intercourse. He wasn’t beautiful but physically he was the kind of guy I like and I realized that he was very interested in me. And from here our problems began. 

Two “normal” guys, let’s say so, without concrete short-term expectations, would have lived together and enjoyed their beautiful love story, assuming that over time it could become a true love story, because there were the right premises in our case. But unfortunately or fortunately we were not two “normal” guys, both he and I had worked hard to build a future as we wanted it, but at that time we found ourselves having different objectives and above all irreconcilable with the continuation of our story. It is bad to think that if you want to make a career you have to put feelings aside, but in the end it is so. 

I don’t know if I really fell in love with Mark. The sexual interest was there and also the emotional one, but above all on the emotional level I didn’t really feel in love. Maybe it would have happened over time, but I had to decide without even having the time to know him well and he too was in the same situation. We talked about it, but talking about these things is embarrassing, it’s not like making a declaration of love to a guy, here you have to tell him that you fell in love “but …”, that is, in practice you have to tell him that the career can be more important than him. Fortunately he too was in the same predicament, because otherwise the speech would have been very difficult. In short, we spoke “very rationally” as if it were an abstract issue that didn’t concern us, each tended to emphasize that he didn’t want to bind the other but it was evident that he didn’t really want to bind himself. I thought that even after this speech we would end up in bed, as had happened many times before, and instead nothing happened, there was a lot of coldness, a lot of distance. In practice it was understood that both for him and for me the fact that we would each follow his own path was practically inevitable. 

I can’t say if I took it too badly, because after all it was what I wanted too, but I can say that I went into crisis, I felt mean and selfish and I consoled myself only thinking that in the end we  both were mean and selfish. I realized that in fact I had given up on having an emotional life and not only with Mark, with whom perhaps it would have been impossible anyway, because he too had made a similar choice to mine, but with anyone, because I will have a lot of commitments, and I already have them now, and I will have to go and live where more opportunities will arise and I will have no security for several years and therefore I will not be able to build any serious story with a guy, because I should find a partner willing to follow me, that is, to sacrifice his dreams and plans for me, that is for someone who may even be able to love him but will never be able to dedicate himself completely to him. 

Now I have lost Mark, but in front of me I see the emotional desert and this scares me. I tell myself and I repeat that I’m not able to truly love, that I’m too centered on myself, that I’m too selfish, that I demand what I’m not willing to give. I’m reminded of the gospel phrase: “No one can serve two masters” and I’m afraid I have sold my soul to the worst master, who could give me great satisfaction, and I say “could” because I certainly can’t  take it for granted, and in any case it would be satisfactions all and only of the same kind, and I’m not at all sure that the choice I made is truly the best for me. I mean, Project, that sometimes I feel disgusting. It is true that the university has increased my self-esteem, which before was rather weak, but I’m starting to think that it may have put many really wrong ideas in my mind. 

Sometimes I see guys who got lost along the way and who didn’t get where I got, in a sense I feel satisfied, but in another I feel that between me and those guys an abyss has been dug that cannot be filled anymore and I begin to think that their life will be much better than mine. My environment is very competitive even if we are really few. In my environment I will never find friends but only colleagues from whom I can hope for a certain degree of correctness but nothing more, and to find friends in other environments I should attend them what I will not be able to do anyway. Do you understand what I mean, Project? I know that only I can deal with these problems, I only ask you for a contact to speak a little. My parents know nothing about me and according to them I’m a happy man with excellent prospects, but I feel that it’s not like that at all and I can’t talk about it with anyone. At least with you there is anonymity and I can say what I think. I wait for your answer. My email is very generic, so if you want you can publish it, because it’s quite anonymous but, if you can, send me a contact.

See you soon.

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If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-guys-between-couple-life-and-career

GAY GUYS AND DOUBLE BED

Hi Project, 

I’m Paul, the 43-year-old who wrote to you because he was trying to accept that the guy who seemed to be his boyfriend had left him to go back to an ex-boyfriend (A GAY STORY OF ALMOST LOVE). When I wrote to you I hadn’t heard from him for more than two months. Today something has happened that has overturned all the balances that I was struggling to achieve and in part at least I had achieved, but I’m happy. In an unexpected way he called me when it was already midnight and said to me: “I need to make love with you, what do you say? Can I come to you in twenty minutes?” I replied that he can come whenever he wants and that I’m always pleased of it, he added: “If you don’t feel like having sex, we’ll just talk.” And this in my opinion is the most beautiful thing you can say! I told him that I was waiting for him and I immediately changed the bed and opened the window, to cool the air a bit, because it’s hot to die for but fortunately there are the mosquito nets. I wondered why he had the idea of having sex with me after almost three months and I thought that the relationship he had resumed with his ex-boyfriend had come to an end. 

When he arrived he undressed and put himself on the bed and he was really beautiful! And above all he was there for me, he had come on purpose with the idea of having sex with me and this idea put him in a very strong state of excitement. I was afraid of not being up to the situation, because sometimes it happens, but I didn’t feel in the least embarrassed, because when it happens he never gets upset, he has never had problems with these things. No, he was not only beautiful, he was really animated by a sexual impetus as in the times when we met many years ago. I refrained from asking him questions. I was fine, with him the taboos have not existed for a long time, with him I behave as I would behave with myself, with the same level of freedom, now it is an acquired fact. He was telling me: “But how is it possible that you have never had sex with anyone else? You should try to be with somebody else!” To this speech, which is not the first time he does, I reply to him exactly as I have always replied that it never occurred to me to make love with another guy, because for me there is just him. 

He didn’t force me at all, no insistence, he knew that I could be afraid of diseases and we only had sex at practically zero risk, there was no need for me to tell him anything, for him exactly as for me, the fundamental thing isn’t in doing this or that but in feeling desired and accepted, and being able to live one’s sexuality together, without embarrassment and without seeing any kind of obligations behind sex. He was really transported by sex, within the limits of common sense, but truly transported. Between us, from the beginning there has always been a very deep understanding from that point of view, we never had sex out of boredom or as a pastime or worse out of duty, it was practically always a very strong thing and much desired by both of us. Maybe that’s why I would never be able to go with another guy, he is the guy of my dreams, after all, in my life, I only desired him in the true sense of the word. When he is with me I see him so free and involved that my head is empty of thoughts and I only think about making him feel good, thanks God I succeed! This seems almost unbelievable to me, but that’s exactly what happens. By now we know each other very well also from that point of view. There is nothing more beautiful than making love with the guy you love the way we do it. Then there will be his ex, maybe, or maybe there will be many other guys, but he has not put me aside at all and he thinks of me just as an important sexual fantasy.  

There was only one thing that I would have wanted different. Generally, even before, after sex he used to get some melancholy, maybe once the sexual involvement is over he begins to reflect on his boyfriend and what to do with his boyfriend, or maybe very likely he doesn’t have a boyfriend anymore. Maybe I don’t have the first place in his heart, but I can’t deny that the his involvement (that was there from the beginning) doesn’t seem in the least vanished because of other things. I wonder how a guy like him can be in love with me, that is, even sexually in love with me, who am a very common type. Now I seem to see him lying on the bed while looking at me and saying “Everything okay?” I would be with him my whole life, it would be a dream for me and today I think it wouldn’t mind him at all, obviously without any constraint, but I think it could last forever. 

Tonight I feel really upset but I’m happy and I think there will be nothing that will be able to separate us, perhaps for a while, yes, but in the end we love each other, between ups and downs, we have been together for many years and then there is between us real affection and respect, I think he is a guy of the highest level both in intelligence and honesty and he trusts me, he doesn’t fear me, in short, I also feel at the center of his attentions. All this, however, must not become a trap, he is not mine, we love each other but he must be free because only in this way he can truly love me. In the end how can people say that there is only sex between us? It’s not true! There is an absolutely unique way of understanding each other. He never felt like a beautiful  guy and instead he is beautiful, when we are together I tell him it many times, he acts as if I hadn’t told anything, but after all he is happy to hear such things! 

I’m also beginning to think of something else that I had always considered stupid before. At the end of our meetings he leaves, he cannot sleep at my house because the next morning he must be at work before 8.00 am if he would start from my house he should get up too early, when he leaves he makes me feel so melancholy because I would like him to stay with me all night long, I would really like to sleep with him. We had sex many times but we never slept together but I think that sleeping together and waking up together would be really beautiful and I think he would like very much such things which are not exactly sex but are sometimes more important than sex itself. I realize that these things, that is in practice the double bed, belong to the behavior of consolidated couples, while he is not my boyfriend, at least in a certain sense he is not, but anyhow falling asleep one in the arms of the other would be really beautiful! In my house there are no double beds and the idea is coming to my mind to buy one, maybe it could also be useful. But I met guys to whom sleeping together in a double bed seemed too sweet, something typical of people romantically in love and not suitable for real men! I can’t stand this expression! Real men? And those would be real men? Those who have sex in five minutes and then bye! Those in my opinion are stupid men! 

However, I feel embarrassed to talk to him about the double bed, but not because of sex, the fact is that he can consider the use of the double bed as a trap from which it is good to stay away. That is, if we have sex with each other as we have always done it is something that seems no more than an outburst, something somehow boyish (and I don’t even understand why!) While if we go to sleep together in a double bed it means that ours is a regular, standard relationship, of those that take away your freedom. I know it is only symbols, but symbols are also important. Maybe I would like to fall asleep with him in a double bed just because I could delude myself that he is mine, this could also be true, but meet in the spare time only during breaks between other work or family commitments, in the most unlikely situations, and always keeping an eye on the clock it is certainly not the best and some of my sexual problems could be due to these things. I need time in sex, I’m slow, if I think I have to get to the end in a set time, I go haywire. Instead with a nice double bed and a whole night together in perspective, well, I think everything would be very different. 

There is also another fact that keeps me from buying a double bed, I live alone, luckily for me, but it happens that from time to time my father, my mother and even my brother (100% straight) come to see me at my house. They always warn me one or two days before, so I don’t have the fear of being caught in the act while I’m in bed with a guy, among other things, my family members don’t have the keys to my house, but they are used to the idea that in my room there is only one single bed and in the guest bedroom there are two single beds. What would they think if they saw the two single beds disappear and found a double bed instead? I don’t know this but I would feel embarrassed, and so I thought that in order to sleep with him in a double bed I would have to go on vacation with him, but even there the embarrassment would be considerable. It is not easy to book a double room in a hotel with a friend and ask for a double bed instead of two single beds. It seems absurd, but these things still condition a lot. I’ll try to talk briefly with him about the hypothesis of the double bed, let’s see what he tells me! 

In short, Project, since the last email I sent you, the world has really turned upside down for me. I had read your answer, very wise and very rational, but my antennae told me that my story, despite appearances, was by no means over and now I can say that I was right! 

Take care of yourself! Obviously do whatever you want with the email.

Paul

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GAY ESCAPADES

Hi Project,
I read your last posts in the forum and I was impressed by the speeches on monogamy, because it’s the first time that I read something about this subject that corresponds with my experience. I’ll try to explain better why. I’m growing up! I’m 34 years old and I begin to understand how gay love works. Of course without generalizing too much, however I begin to understand a little better the way through which many gay guys relate to me.

Unfortunately, they like me at first sight, that is, they see me and hit the ground running, it has always been like that, now maybe a little less. They follow me, they woo me, they have a strong interest in me, or rather they have a huge interest in having sex with me, to the point that if I say no, they feel really bad.

I don’t know what I do to men but for them I’m the object of desires, obviously they don’t evaluate the person I’m, because they fall crazily in love with me at first sight, without even having the time to know me a little.

And I’m not a so beautiful guy, I consider myself normal, I see many guys who look much better than me, really many. For a few years or more than a few years, I played with this thing, I knew that I had a power over men, or at least on a certain category of men, that is, on those who are a little depressed, a little cursed, tormented, very humoral, which are precisely the ones I like best and, I would add, that in general they are also very beautiful guys.

A few years ago I had come to discover a principle about this sort of falling in love. I told myself that they were in love as long as I didn’t give up, because at that time I tended not to give the guys much confidence.

Then when I started saying yes to someone I had proof that the crush on me doesn’t pass easily, in fact usually it doesn’t pass at all, but there is one thing that I don’t like: the crush on me is practically only sexual and this makes me uncomfortable.

I can find guys to woo me quite easily, even when I have no intention of it and I don’t get rid of them easily, but they want to get from me one thing only. Honestly it’s not that I’m sorry that things go like this, in a way it’s comfortable, but it’s not enough for me, because these aren’t love stories.

When I go to bed with some of these guys I see them really taken by a kind of absurd frenzy that almost seems pathological to me because nothing like this has ever happened to me, sometimes the enthusiasm is so strong that the guy doesn’t even think about condoms and there I stop him and say to him: “I’m not crazy! I don’t want to risk getting HIV just for a fuck! ” However, the point is another: these guys are not looking for a guy but just for a fuck! Because in the end they have their boyfriends.

I don’t know if they tell their boyfriends that they go around courting me, I don’t think they tell them such sort of things, but they tell me that they have a boyfriend because they understand that I wouldn’t get away from them for this reason, and they tell me it because according to them in this way I can’t delude myself that they are in love with me. In a sense, “with me” they are honest.

At the beginning I used to think that these behaviors were a sign of something pathological, that is, I thought they were just uncontrollable physical outbursts and instead the more I go on the more I realize that this is not the case. They need two things: the first is to have a steady boyfriend, that is, a serious point of reference, which is fine for certain things, and the second is to have a lover with whom, even if there is no real emotional relationship, it is anyhow possible to let off steam. It is a bit like in the 1800s, one had a wife who was fine for certain things, then he had a lover and paid her with money and so he thought he was using her as a tool of pleasure only, but when he was with his lover he used to let himself go and not just sexually, and he used to tell his lover things he could never say to his wife.

In conclusion, I think that stable gay relationships, in many cases, are a bit like a golden prison from which many guys sooner or later tend to escape. The guys, from what I see, with the stable boyfriend have a relationship that is also sexual, but up to a certain point, that is, there are still taboos, which for example don’t exist at all with me. With me they talk about their sexual problems, they want to know what I think of their way of having sex, they compare with me, they take me as a yardstick and I think they do it to have a way to evaluate from the outside their relationship with their stable boyfriend.

The fact that they often tell me and repeat that they have a stable boyfriend, in my opinion, means that they are also afraid of falling in love with me because this would undermine their relationship with the stable boyfriend, that’s why they insist on telling me that they have sex with me only for sex, but this thing is so repeated that it ends up being the classic excusatio non petita (unrequired justification).

Why do they come to tell me and remind me of it every time? This means that they have a dirty conscience, that is that they actually keep me at bay and are afraid of me, but not because I could fall in love with them but because they could fall in love with me! Because they would like both me and their stable boyfriend, but this puts them in crisis and forces them to lie, because in their world having a stable boyfriend is a bit like getting married and marriage must be monogamous.

Let me be clear, in the fact that they want both me and their stable boyfriend, I don’t see anything wrong, but they instead consider it almost a betrayal, even if they do it anyway! For them, keeping one foot in two shoes is a problem, because they say to me that they have a stable boyfriend, while with the stable boyfriend they are careful not to talk about me.

This is a bit what I don’t like about these guys, I don’t like their fake respectability, their way of not saying things as they are because they are afraid of losing the stable boyfriend, because you must keep in mind that having a stable boyfriend is a social status, with the stable boyfriend they go out with friends while they are afraid of being seen on the street with me.

I can satisfy their needs only at home, or better in bed, this is my role, they would never introduce me to their friends, because friends belong to another sphere. I’m part of the sex area, not of the social relations area. They treat me a bit like 19th century men used to treat their lovers.

I don’t mind being with these guys, they also have a kind of loyalty towards me, even if, clearly, they are ashamed of me or better of themselves. Of course I wouldn’t want to be in the shoes of their stable boyfriends! In short, I’m the dark side of their life, the one who must remain hidden in order not to ruin the really important things.

They think that I suffer from this situation but I’m fine, I don’t want a stable boyfriend, to end up like their stable boyfriends. I love the guys who woo me, they make me tenderness but I absolutely don’t see them in the role of a boyfriend, I know that sooner or later they will leave, perhaps

because they are in love with their boyfriend or because maintaining a relationship with me would become too complicated, maybe it can be done when there is no coexistence with the stable boyfriend, but when they live together, escapades are no longer practicable. I’m the escapade! And I smile while saying it! But even escapes have their own meaning.

I hug you, Project! Keep doing what you do!
Obviously you can use the email as you want.

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If you want, you can participate in the discussion on this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-escapades

GAY LOVE AND OTHER INTERESTS

Hi Project,

I have read your forum far and wide and now I would like to let off steam with you on a thorny issue, in my opinion much more thorny than the issues related only to sex, betrayals and so on. You often talk about gay love as something completely detached from everything else, but unfortunately gay love (and for the straight one is absolutely the same) doesn’t come from a sterile and uncontaminated environment, but comes from the brains of people who have thousand other things on their minds, and they have a thousand other mental habits, from which they certainly don’t detach themselves when they fall in love, if they really fall in love. I mean that, sadly, gay stories are tainted by other interests, which sometimes don’t even reach the level of consciousness.
 
I don’t mean that guys pretend to fall in love realizing that their falling in love, beyond appearances, has a thousand other reasons, or at least is conditioned by a thousand other reasons. You fall in love but taking with you all your mental vices. And note well, I’m not talking about sex-related things at all. We often fall in love mixing our falling in love with the idea of finding a “comfortable accommodation”, of having something to gain either in explicitly economic terms or more often in terms of benefits related to coexistence, such as reducing subsistence expenses and those for the home, or even to have assistance in case of need or illness, especially if one begins to move forward with the years.
 
Furthermore, if one of the two partners has a job and the other doesn’t, the situation becomes tragic and the interests directly or indirectly linked with economic sphere become absolutely preponderant, even if no one talks about it. In summary, I think that often, unfortunately, affectivity and sex are by no means the central element of a relationship. Now I come to clarify the reason where all this talk comes from.
 
I’m over 40 and in my life I had only two important stories, the first one with a guy 15 years younger than me, that I mistreated because he seemed to me almost dependent on sex, I say almost because it was not really a pathological thing, let’s say trat his propensity for sex  was excessive for me. Then, after four years I broke the story with him and at the moment it seemed like a liberation, and I started a story with a man four years older than me.
 
I felt better with my new partner, in practice I felt at the same level, but a thousand other things emerged with him that slowly put the relationship in crisis. My current partner works, earns well, I mean much more than me, but has forms of avarice that irritate me. He doesn’t want to change his car because he says it is still very good, however, when he has to go out for work, he uses mine which is almost new and makes trips of 200-250 kilometers a day, but not only, he never refuels with petrol, I always have to do it, now he also takes it for granted that my car is somehow also his.
 
You will tell me that a car is only a car, but it doesn’t do it only with the car but also with the smartphone. But that’s not enough: we’ve been living together for almost three years now, at my house, and he has never thought about contributing to expenses or going buy foods to the supermarket for both of us with his money. Mentally he reduced me not only to the role of paying bills, gasoline and various expenses, but also to the role of butler and cook, because he does nothing at all at home.
 
Days ago I started thinking about my first boyfriend and many episodes of which at the time I didn’t even understand the meaning. At the beginning he did only precarious jobs and sometimes very heavy ones. I once thought to give him a smartphone as a present, I made a nice little package and gave it to him and I was surprised by his reaction, because he didn’t even open the package, he put it back in my hand and said: “No! This is not good for me … “At the moment I felt offended by this behavior and then I forgot about it. He never wanted to be accompanied anywhere by car.
 
Once, he came to my house and found a terrible confusion, he began to collect all the scattered things around and then he started washing the dishes and only allowed me to dry them. He never wanted to come and stay with me at my house when he wasn’t working yet and I didn’t understand why, then he found a permanent job and asked me if the proposal to live together was still valid, I said yes and he moved to my house and thenceforth  he started do pay “always” a half of the bills and half of the shopping, he used to do it with an accuracy and a pride that somehow bothered me but that had a profound meaning, he didn’t like at all to feel like one who takes advantage of the situation not even at a minimum level. He used to cook very often and was very careful to keep everything in order.
 
Since he had to go to work very early, he also used to get up very early and showered first. When I entered the bathroom, everything was perfectly dry and shiny, the window was open and the room was well ventilated. With my last partner, it is exactly the opposite, he goes out with wet thongs and splash with dirty water the whole house, he leaves the bathroom like a lake because he knows that there is someone who has to think about it.
 
Perhaps my first boyfriend will also have had a fixation on sex, and in any case he didn’t put me in crisis because of this, but he had a dignity, that is he was interested in me, for sex, certainly, but also because he loved me, not because he needed a car or because while living with me he could live at my expense. A couple of days ago we met again and I was struck by his way of doing things: he was happy to see me! And honestly me too.
 
We talked for three hours, then I asked him if he had a partner, he said no and I told him that I had thought a lot about him and that I understood how unique he was and that I thought I would like to get back with him but now I had my new partner who was living with me. He asked me: “Are you in love with him?” and I replied. “Now not anymore.
 
Now I understand many other aspects of his nature that I don’t like at all, but there is the problem that he has lived in my house for three years and he considers it his home, and convincing him to leave will not be easy …” He told me: “Are you waiting for him to leave spontaneously? You can take it for granted, he will never do it!” We talked about how I could get rid of my partner, first of all I would have to find the courage to talk to him hoping that he won’t make too many stories.
 
Then he said something I didn’t expect: “When you want, when he’s out, we take all your things away and you come and stay at my house, it’s a very little house, but it’s mine. Then if he makes a lot of stories, change the lock and take his things to a deposit and if he wants, he can go and get them there. All this seems to me really difficult to put into practice but I have to regain my freedom, I absolutely must succeed. Thinking that I was so stupid as to be enslaved by the guy who should have been my ideal partner makes me feel really bad.
 
Project, this is the point where I’m now, my house is occupied by my (ex-)companion that now I can no longer stand. Cohabitation is not a dream and can become a nightmare. Except in exceptional cases, I strongly advise young people to put aside the idea of living with their partner, unless he is a person with real dignity.
 
Thanks for listening, Project. If you put this email on the forum I would be happy if he reads it! Obviously do what you think best.
S. G.

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MY STORY – CRISIS OF A GAY COUPLE

Let’s come to the topic, the one that is closest to my heart. You will be scandalized by what you are going to read, everything that is written is the pure truth, I never really told anyone, but now I’m really tired, I’m already sufficiently disgusted by myself, and I think I touched a point of no return, because I don’t deserve all this at all. I firmly believe that my story has really come to an end but I still cannot decide what to do.

My partner and I have been together for 9 years, until two years ago things between us were very different, I felt loved, courted, desired and well-liked. What I cannot feel now. I have loved my partner for a very long time, I loved him with an authentic and unconditional love, accepting his faults, his paranoia, his anxieties.

In July of 2102, however, everything changes. I find out that he frequents chats such as grindr, bender planet romeo and so on. I find out that he has met a guy. I’m very upset, my odyssey begins here. We talk about, I have to get the truth out of him with my teeth, he sees me suffer, he don’t seem to care so much. I want to save the relationship, he says he is so by nature. In the meantime, he loses his job. I see him becoming colder and more and more distant. In order to keep him with me, I went down to doing things that I would never have done otherwise, because they go against my nature, for example three-way relationships, I did it because I loved him so much and I thought that if I had accepted these games he would have understood the scope of my love for him and that the serene weather for us would start again.

It was not so but quite the contrary. Although I asked him to be honest with me, to tell me if he was dating other people, that I didn’t care and I could understand him after so many years together, he always hid everything from me. Two months ago, for a case that has nothing to do with all the story, we have had a very strong confrontation in which I slammed in his face all his indifference, the fact that I feel like a person unwelcome and hardly endured in his house, that I don’t feel loved at all, that I feel deeply lonely and sad. Something clicks inside me, however, in the meantime. From that moment on he starts telling me that he’s not sure he’s in love with me, he wants some time to think about it. These have been the most terrible days and at the same time the most beneficial and healthy of my life. In those days when he was clarifying his ideas I examined many times my conscience, I understood many things and above all I realized that I was wrong. I was wrong to base my happiness on another person, I was wrong to base my world on another person, I was wrong to go down to similar compromises just to be loved by him. And I understood a lot of other things.

I realized that I don’t like the cold and false person that he is now in my regard, that all this love that I feel for him is wasted and that he doesn’t deserve it. Once I was a happy person, always cheerful, sunny, optimistic. I had very few reasons 10 years ago to be happy but I was happy all the same. Now I’m not anymore. Controlling his phone I discover continuous betrayals while, even now, with me sex has been off limits for three weeks and even more, he was cold and detached the few times we did it.

I find condoms all over the place, hidden in the bedroom. Yesterday afternoon he even came out with a box of condoms, thinking that I didn’t know that they were there. I could not resist anymore and I sent him a message where I told him to have fun wherever he was. Naturally, he closed himself up again, but something changed in me. Whereas before I felt anxious and terrified at the idea of losing him, now I would like him to tell me that everything is over between us, that I have to leave.

I’m literally disgusted of what I did and accepted just to stay with him. In all this chaos there is another person, known by me on the same chats on which he is registered, a person I had met two years ago and who spoke to me about feelings, about things I would have wanted with my boyfriend and this person now contacted me. He told me again about the things that made me think if it is really worthwhile to still be tied to a man who says he loves me and who attributes all his shortcomings to the loss of the job but instead proves to be more than active sexually and more than available to a possible story with others.

Perhaps it would be better to turn definitely page, leave him, since he doesn’t want to take the first step. I feel that the feeling I feel for him is going away and that disgust and anger are replacing love. I told him that for how I am, for my way of being, I need to be loved both physically and psychologically. I also need sex, I admit it candidly, I have never betrayed him but I cannot go on like this anymore. In this relationship I see only mistrust, anger, disgust and indifference and at the same time I realize that two years ago I met this other guy who instead deserved everything that I could give him and if in two years I never managed to get him out of my head, it means that I felt something for him and now I’m hoping I can get in touch with him again.

Why all this? Has anyone been in such situations before? What should I do? Leave him with the risk of repenting then of having done it? Have I to know and attend this other guy? Doing so in spite of what my partner thinks and giving him back the favor? Have I to wait and hope that this phase passes and that he finally realizes all that happened? But how can he not notice it? I’m 35 years old, I am beautiful, physically and inside, I’m a profound, intelligent and sensitive person, I’m sweet. I am one who doesn’t hold back, when I love I manifest my love, I give so much in a relationship. I’m determined and reliable, a cornerstone in a history. If he has not yet noticed all this, it means that he doesn’t care at all.

Three or four people have already told me that they don’t understand how a man can get tired of a handsome and young and intelligent, sensitive and sensual man and what is worse, they don’t understand why I want to remain attached to a man who so clearly treats me badly and despises me. I don’t know, I don’t understand it either. I only know that I’m full of doubts and fears.

__________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-my-story-crisis-of-a-gay-couple

GAY COUPLE AND SOCIO-ECONOMIC CONDITIONING

This post is dedicated to a reflection on the conditioning, in the relationship between two gay guys, deriving from different backgrounds and different social conditions. Generally, when a gay guy falls in love with a guy, whose he doesn’t know the sexual orientation, the question that immediately arises is “is he gay or not?” If on the one hand it is true that it is a fundamental question which automatically conditions all the rest, it is also true that this is not the only question. Often, once a gay guy has ascertained that the guy he is in love with is gay too, after the first moments of enthusiasm the first perplexities arise, but not deriving from a lack of mutual sexual attraction but from the objective difficulty in building a deep relationship because of very distant starting points. Building a relationship between two gay guys is not something essentially sexual, it is necessary to build a relationship between two people that is made of mutual trust, affection and respect. Two variables intervene at this point, which in general are often neglected in the initial phase:

1) The difference in education
2) The difference in social condition

In order to build a relationship of serious love, a condition of equality is indispensable and forms the basis for the subsequent building together. The greater the differences in education and social condition are, the more difficult it is to start something really shared on an equal footing. In any case it is possible to do so but on the basis of a renunciation of one’s role and habits on the part of one of the two guys, made in order to avoid to condition the other, but these sacrifices often hide mental reservations that sooner or later come to the surface with all their disruptive power.

Let’s start from the differences in education between guys who live more or less the same social condition. Among them the differences are manifested in the habits of life, in greater or lesser freedom in behavior and in discourses, in the greater or less inhibition in facing sexuality. It is a question of conditioning but the awareness of one’s homosexuality almost always leads to overcoming educational constraints or to devalue them from within, in the name of the possibility of living an emotional life as a couple. A classic example: the guys who have had a religious education. These guys, when they overcome the problem of religious conditioning, either go beyond radically or remain in that environment in a formal way, and in this choice the education has a fundamental meaning. Differences in the social level are a real and powerful barrier that can arise between two gay guys and can prevent them from living a real life as a couple.

Below are some of the typical symptoms of social distress through very indicative phrases:

1) When I go out with his friends I don’t feel at ease, it’s another world
2) He with my friends is not at ease, I don’t know what takes him, he seems clumsy
3) My friends don’t like him, he talks about things from another planet
4) He has a concept of fun that I don’t understand, for him it’s a ritual, according to me he just acts a role.

Social unease manifests first in external things and then gradually into the others:

a) What was the need for sunglasses of 300 euros?
b) We don’t see each other for a month because he has to go on holiday with his parents, but I think he prefers so
c) But what do I care to see the photos he did in New York!
d) When I propose to go to take a pizza somewhere that I like, he always distorts the mouth
e) At his home? With his mother talking with her sibilant “s”? Let’s forget it!
f) He tells me that I have the southern accent
g) He talks too much about things that don’t interest me
h) He tells me that he would be willing to do anything for me, but he went on vacation with his family
i) Is an engineer, ok, but why does he have to repeat it a thousand times?
j) He tells me that I should get back to school but he’s not telling it for my sake, it’s because he’s ashamed of me

Very often in the conversation there are misunderstandings related to the fact that the two communication codes are different. Just an example: a guy can say anything about his parents but he will not tolerate the negative opinion of of his partner on his parents.
The first guy speaks badly of his father: “My father has always done his thing, he says that it is obvious because he is the one who pays. I cannot stand him, since he knows I’m gay he’s really hateful.”
The second guy adds his critique: “Actually, even Monday he behaved just like an asshole”
The first guy starts to defend his father: “But if didn’t do so people would put him under their feet!”

The true sign of social unease manifests through the absence of the design of a common life, through the underlining that the relationship will go on “as long as it lasts”, “as long as we want”, but also and over all through the absence of total mutual sincerity, as if the other guy were a person with which we share, and only partially, only sexuality. This is the so-called false couple, that is, the couple who shares only a few moments in life and keeps all the rest separate. Often the false couple on the sexual level works well, its weakness emerges only in long times when in moments of eclipse of the sexual interest it is understood that there is not a real community of life.

A characteristic of false couples is the declared idea of maintaining an “open and free” relationship, an idea behind which there is an affective emptiness and a substantial willingness not to be bound.

Often, during the discussions, the boys who find themselves in a false couple tend to maintain their positions and not to give in, the discussion becomes harsh and in principle and it is not rare that they arrive at even bitter quarrels because there is no mutual esteem that is the basic element of a couple’s life.

The rupture of the false couple is in the great majority of cases definitive and not remediable, while in true couples who share deep levels of affection the crisis is overcome and is in fact an element far from negative for the growth of common life.

Lads of high social level are generally unwilling to sacrifice their social position or put it in brackets in the name of homosexuality. There are significant exceptions but, despite everything, what matters most is not how A feels the problem but how B believes that A feels it and often misunderstandings are inevitable.

The real problem is to be two at a substantial level, to have the same perspectives, to behave like an “we” putting aside the individualistic dimension.

Particular attention must be paid to the problem, typical of the couple, of constructing a common sexual world by also putting aside one’s own needs in relation to the other. Shared sexuality means common sexual fantasies, it means living a sexuality built together, discovered together, in conditions of absolute parity.

I happened to see guys who have been living together for years for whom sexuality is in the most evident way an emotional exchange that is aimed at showing the other guy that you want to share his life with him in the deepest sense. It must be said, however, that those guys had realized a real project of common life and that the difficulties linked to misunderstandings by families and by the social environment had only put their relationship to the test and substantially stabilized it.

The sexuality experienced in these terms is really a way of loving that has realized a true community of couple. Getting to these results is not easy and when there are problems of very different education or very different social level overcoming the difficulties requires very strong feelings and very determined choices.

____________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-couple-and-socio-economic-conditioning

A NON-STANDARD GAY COUPLE

Hello Project, this morning I’m happy! It doesn’t happen often, but today I’m happy and this is because I made love with my puppy! A love that could seem made out more of cuddles than sex, if we want, because my puppy is a bit particular with his behavior and then you have to be careful not to force him, but he knows it and tries to adapt, but it was beautiful anyway. I didn’t really expect it, in fact the last time I had heard him on the phone, it had seemed a bit chilly and then it had been almost three weeks.

When I feel him cold, when I feel that he cuts short, I feel uncomfortable and then I distance myself, the first days I’m glad not to hear it, because I think I would have nothing to say but then I start to miss him and then I start thinking about him a thousand times a day, it is a sort of abstinence syndrome, but not from sex, but from its presence that is able to make me feel good. I know that he has his life, that he sees other guys, whom I also know, that he makes love with them, but this doesn’t upset me, I think it is also right because the relationship he can have with me, after all, cannot be truly capable of satisfying all his needs.

in recent days he came to my mind on many occasions: places where we had been together, a way of smiling, a joke, in short, I really needed him. This morning I go to have breakfast at the bar and I see him in front of the front door of my house. He asks me if I’m busy, I answer him with a toothy smile, we go home and he wants to be cuddled, I hug him tight and I can see he’s happy, he says, “Do you still want me?” I answer than I loved only one guy all my life long and then looks at me puzzled and tells me: “Only me? Never with anyone else? Has nobody ever tried with you?” I say to him: “Only you! Never anyone else!” It almost seems like he does not believe it, but I really fell in love just once in my life. With him I lived the most beautiful experiences of my life, for almost three years, then, in a sense it’s over, but I think that in reality it never ended, he has had other guys, but he kept anyway a relationship with me and very seriously, he never archived me.

Every now and then he came to me, more than to have sex because after all it’s a bit different, just to be together in intimacy, we cuddled: dinner together, then cuddling endlessly, he curled up tight to me like a cat, I hugged him tightly, there was also a bit of sex, of that not dangerous, and it was just fine like that. I’m still in love with him. His way of looking for affection melts me inside, I don’t think I would ever be able to stay with another guy, also because, despite the different behaviors, his sexuality feels very similar to mine. If I see a guy I like in the street, it’s because he has some detail that reminds me of him. He is the best for me and then, what has always struck me is that he doesn’t forget me, he doesn’t archive me and when he is with me he is happy to stay there and I see it. I would like to live with him but I would suffocate him and he needs freedom. Deep down he knows that I love him and that this will not change, it’s something certain, so he feels desired and when we’re together he is 100% himself, he doesn’t play a role. Today we were embraced for more than an hour and he fell asleep in my arms. I felt like I was in heaven, I stroked his hair and he would open his eyes every now and then, smile at me a little and then hugged me again.

Now he’s gone and maybe I will not hear him for two or three weeks but I know he’s there and then sooner or later, he will contact me. I feel in love and I think it’s important for him too. He trusts me, knows he is safe with me and on the other hand I trust him too. Sometimes he scrambled me but they were things that didn’t last long and then everything passed. I’m so happy, he’s the guy I want, only him! And he is there, in his way, but he is there and he has never cheated me. In short, Project, today I’m happy! I don’t know if this way of living is more or less classic among gays, but that’s what happens and it’s beautiful! If you want, publish the email.
Carlo

I add a second email from Carlo, that arrived in the evening.

Today I have been thinking about my boyfriend for hours, I know that he is not my boyfriend and that he will probably never be the boyfriend of anyone, because a guy like him cannot be caged even out of love. I never understood what love was, the real one, the one that makes you suffer, until I met him and entered a totally new dimension and the novelty consisted in the fact that our love was mutual, but mutual in the true sense of the word, as I had never happened before and it never happened to me later, it was true love but it was not exclusive and even on this we understood each other very quickly and without any problem.

We are not a family, we will never be a family, to be a family it is a common opinion that an essentially exclusive relationship with another person is needed, but we have never felt this need, and then it is not true that the exclusivity of the relationship is necessary to provide mutual assistance if needed. I would do anything for my puppy and I think he would do the same for me too. Sometimes it has already happened. I call him puppy and he calls me exactly the same way . . . no roles at all! Our strength is reciprocity. He knows that when he looks for me he makes me happy and I know he loves me, that in his world I have a place is somehow important. I don’t care if it’s the first place, I know it’s not, I’m interested in the fact that I have my place inside his heart and he will continue to be there over the years and so far it has been like that.

My boyfriend fascinates me because he is not only a handsome guy but he represents the incarnation of my ideal guy and then because he understands me without needing me to speak and respects me. On the other hand, I recognize his great dignity, his great basic honesty, his true morality. Not what people mean by morality but morality understood as the ability to not subordinate emotional relationships to anything else. The emotional relationships for him are in the first place and must be managed without compromises.

We like to speak clearly, always, even when the discourse becomes unpleasant, but even in the less pleasant discourses respect was never lacking, his reproaches were not reproaches made out of hate but out of love. So many times he put me in front of my hypocrisies, unmasked before my eyes so many of my little falsehoods, so many my inabilities to be sincere to the end. So many times I must have made him really angry, he must have considered me a mediocre one, ready for any compromise, and basically he told me it explicitly, but he told me it just to make me think, to take away the classic slice of ham from of my eyes. Above all, he has never made me miss his presence, sometimes I don’t see him for weeks and if we greeted each other affectionately I’m calm and I know that I will hear him sooner or later and that it is only a matter of time, but if we have greeted badly, then he gets soon in touch with me or sends me a smiley face by sms, and he does it to free my head from the idea that something between us has gone into crisis.

I discovered sexuality with him. I used to think that I would at most be able to want a guy and that maybe that guy would not have said no, but anyway I saw myself in the role of the lover and the other as someone who in the end doesn’t say no. I didn’t really consider the idea of being able to be sexually desired by another guy and instead it is precisely what happened with him. That we loved each other I had understood it for quite some time, but he wanted me at least as much as I wanted him. It was exactly this that amazed me, and it was a real and very strong sexual desire that not only didn’t undermine our emotional relationship but made it much more complete and profound. For me it was not obvious to put together the categories of sex and of love and it was my puppy who taught me how to do it. Let it be clear that I call him puppy because he makes me a huge tenderness (as I think it’s for him too) but I know very well that he is a man, an adult who makes his choices and that several times has put me in crisis by opening my eyes on many aspects of reality that I had not very clear.

I really like his way of living sex: it is not hypocritical, it is extremely direct and sometimes I see that he is just pushed by an irresistible enthusiasm but always with sweetness, with a smile, with self-irony. When we embrace, he abandons himself completely in my arms and yet he has enormous strength when he takes me in his arms. The best thing is to stay hugged naked, the feeling of intimacy and mutual trust is very strong and heady. In his way of having sex there is never anything schematic and prefabricated, he is totally spontaneous and then he is very attentive to my reactions, tries to make me feel as happy as possible, sometimes, when we are a bit tired, I follow him less, and he says to me: “Come on, come here!” and he smiles at me, squinting and I melt completely.

So many times in our evenings of pampering we stop to talk and I’m delighted to listen to him. He reasons in a very different way from mine, but, in my opinion, more linear, more direct and even more profound way. Sometimes he has days of profound melancholy and we remain embraced to caress each other in silence and slowly he becomes calm and for me it is as if I saw the sun rise. We are not a couple, I believe that for us a model of matrimonial type would not work at all, we have no bonds of any kind beyond the fact that we love each other. Between us there is a loyalty, which is that of continuing to love each other, even if each of us has his way. Would I like to live with him? Of course, but it is something that would not work and that would risk undermining the substance of our relationship, which has its time and its ways to be realized and which cannot be reduced to schemes of any kind. I spent many hours thinking about my puppy and I feel happy, I know that he is there and will not go away, I had never experienced such a beautiful and above all such a true thing!

__________

If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-non-standard-gay-couple

VISCOUS GAY RELATIONSHIPS

Hello Project, I’m a 22-year-old guy, from Lombardy, who has felt gay from the beginning, no problem of acceptance. I call you because I think I put myself in a mess. I am in love for two years now with a beautiful guy that I know very superficially, I don’t know if he is gay or not, I tried to understand it, but only spying a bit his behavior. This guy works in a bar near the university. Needless to say that I always go there to have breakfast, he was formal at the beginning, then he started to smile to me a bit and now when he sees me he says hello but we never talked neither a bit. Basically it’s been two years since when I see that guy and every time I see him I feel a knot in my stomach. 
He’s not just beautiful, it’s sweet but sweet as only a guy can be sweet. I’m at the point that if the morning he is not there or he doesn’t tell me that magic hello I’m sick, I miss him, I miss him just so damned. He has a beautiful, sexy voice in the most beautiful sense of the term. In practice it is now two years that I masturbate only thinking of him, the other fantasies have all passed away. I dream of being near him, of feeling his warmth of being able to hug him and then all the rest, I don’t write it but you can imagine it. I think that with him I would be very sweet. I told myself a thousand times that it makes no sense but for me there is only him, that is, I don’t think that any other guy could be able to make me experience what I experience with him. On him, unfortunately rarely, I make erotic dreams of an indescribable sweetness, just the sweetest things one could ever imagine. A smile and a hello coming from that guy make me happy. 
 
But there is another part of my life that really keeps me in anguish. I have a cousin who is a year older than me and who attends my same faculty, let’s call him Mark. Last summer our families went to the beach together and so we saw each other every day. I have known him from childhood because he is my cousin but we didn’t see each other very much because he lived for many years in another city. Once, at the seaside, we started talking about sex. He began to say that he had never had a girlfriend, that he felt alone, that he was afraid that he would remain alone his whole life and things like that, but he was very hesitant, he said that his life would never make sense, he was almost crying, I had never seen him like this.
 
The speech became very engaging I had the intuition that my cousin was gay and then I loosed my self control and I made him guess that I was gay too. We hugged, at first it was instinctive but then that hug lasted a bit too much and was too tight and I began to feel not at ease and I turned Mark away and he felt very bad and got caught up in despair. I didn’t I know what to do, and I embraced him again, but again I didn’t like it but I couldn’t move him away again and then I tolerated it, but I should say that I suffered it. He did nothing, he just hugged me, but there was something excessive that I didn’t like.
 
Then we came home and that day ended there, but only for that day. Mark started to stick to me in all ways, he always wanted to be with me, when I went out with my friends he pouted and it seemed that he felt really bad and maybe he felt really bad and then I sometimes started to give up hanging out with my friends. I had never done it! In practice I could never go out with anyone else, only with my cousin!
 
For a while he limited himself to this, then he began to feel guilty because he fell in love with me and I had to try to tell him that there was no fault in this, but it was not enough for him and he wanted me to tell him that I loved him and I ended up telling him because I couldn’t resist and then he started to analyze the phrases that I had had to tell him by force reflecting on every single word, he told me that I was holding myself back too much and that I had to dare a lot more with him.
 
One day he tells me that he must confess to me a terrible thing and after an endless story (I felt sorry for him) he tells me that he masturbated thinking of me. I tell him that more or less I expected it and that it didn’t upset me too much, but it was not enough for him, he wanted to know if I had ever masturbated thinking of him, but I had in mind the guy of the bar and thinking of Mark as a sexual fantasy didn’t even go through my mind.
 
He asks me who I think of when I do it and I tell him I think of the guy of the bar. He submits me to an interrogation, he wants to know what I did with that guy, I tell him: nothing! At the beginning he doesn’t believe it, then he asks me if he’s gay, I tell him I don’t know and he gives me a whole sermon about the fact that it makes no sense to fall in love with a straight guy. I know that in theory it is so but in the first place the guy of the bar could also be gay and I think he is gay, and secondly, in every sense, an hetero like the guy of the bar is better than a gay like my cousin.
 
After this talk he got a bit detached from me but he started not to leave the house anymore, my aunt was worried, he told me: Mark feels really bad, but what happened to him? But do you know anything about it? I told my aunt that I didn’t know anything, but in the end they forced me out with my cousin sometimes.
 
The embarrassment could be cut with a knife, I just didn’t want him to get close to me and I kept him at a distance and he was very upset. In practice now he comes to class just to see me, not even to talk to me, because we don’t speak at all, but he must let  his presence weigh, it seems to me an emotional blackmailing. He’s always distracted, I don’t think he’ll ever take an exam. He feels betrayed by me, but I never encouraged him, exactly never, he did everything by himself.
 
But the problem is not even the fact that he is nagging but the fact that I see him really bad, he seems one that really suffers. Now, tell me, what should I do? If it were for me maybe I would go close to him and I would try to maintain a relationship, but it would not be the relationship he wants. That is, if I keep him away from me it’s bad for him, if I get close to him, it’s all the same because it’s not what he wants. So how should I behave? I would not be bad with Mark because after all with me he has always been honest and he never put me in really unpleasant situations, but I don’t want to end up having to say (or, worse, to do) things I don’t want to say (or to do). Perhaps my problem is a bit unusual but for the moment it is my real problem.
_____________
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EXTENDED GAY FAMILY

This post comes from my heart and represents a very serious reflection even if, for those who have prejudices, that is for those who believe they know and doesn’t really know, what I am about to say could sound very strange. 
 
Gay family … ok! Built on the model of the hetero family: a stable couple with the perspective of hypothetical children, etc. etc., yes, everything seems ok … maybe it could also be all right in another world, in another social climate, with another level of civilization and awareness. In reality, at least as long as the situation doesn’t radically change at the social level the hypotheses of a gay family consisting of a stable couple and hypothetical children is an idea that serves only as a symbol of an open road to the future.
 
But what should be the underlying spring that holds a gay family like that together? Sex … yes when you are young it could also seem a sufficient motivation, couple’s affectivity, mutual love and support in difficult situations? Of course this could be a good cement to keep the couple together, but then there is the problem of the children … in test tubes, with mothers for rent they would still be biological children of only one of the couple’s components. But I wonder, wouldn’t it make more sense to think that a gay family should not be based on any preconceived model?
 
Well, I have an alternative model absolutely original of gay family. For me, the gay family should be a group of solidarity and should be built on the emotional experience of loving each other. Do you want to know what my gay family model is? My model is the group of guys that has set up around Gay Project.
 
Tell me whatever you want but I think it’s really a family. We love each other, we support each other, we are friends, we talk freely, we feel accepted and sometimes I would say pampered in a typically family affective dimension. Days ago I criticized the posts of Loki and Fabiomatteo who came out a bit from the limits in which this blog must be maintained. Well I had the fear that this fact could undermine my relationship with these guys, then I talked to Fabiomatteo and I explained my point of view and nothing has gone wrong, indeed we talked in a very serious way and we said goodbye in an authentically affectionate way, with a very heartfelt “I love you!” that was not a courtesy formula at all. Then I spoke with Loki and no problem has been posed. The relationships that I have with these guys cannot go into a crisis because of banalities, the reason is only one, because we love each other and we esteem each other on a human level in a profound way, for me they are part of my family.
 
I mention only them but the discourse involves all the guys in a varied way. With someone, very special habits of trust and mutual attention have been created spontaneously , we share our concerns, we commit ourselves to the same goals, we are in the same situations. I receive messages of a seriousness and depth that I have never seen in any other situation. When I have doubts, what happens to me almost every day, I find an authentic listening, an advice, a comparison. I don’t feel alone, I feel that some bonds have been created and that I’m happy with these bonds.
 
You can tell me that this is not a family because without a couple there is no family but in my opinion it is not true. When I go to work, often in the breaks I think about the guys I know and I feel them present, I know that they are not my fantasy, that they are real guys … and  guys of very height level! Sometimes I feel bad for someone. Sometimes, if I know that there is someone who is not well, I don’t sleep the whole night, if in a situation like this I cannot get in touch  with them, I experience a kind of anguish… but when the contact is re-established and I can get news I feel like I was in paradise and I experience an extraordinary sense of happiness.
 
And what enchants me is that among us there is a deep mutual respect and an extraordinary solidarity despite the sometimes not small differences of point of view. The idea of feeling like a group, of feeling like a family is amazing. A few days ago some guys from Gay Project met and we spent a day together. One said: “It’s incredible the feeling that we’ve always known each other!” Basically meeting in chat and talking for hours has made us a group, a group of friends who love each other … but I would like to use a another word: has made us a family, a family without ties of kinship, a family linked only by emotional ties but a real family in which solidarity and loving each other are the only necessary things …
 
When I come home from work and I switch on the computer and I find a lot of calls in chat and I see so many messages and comments on the forums … I wonder: what would I be if I didn’t have this family that created itself? I would be a small little man, with no purpose in life, one who shouldn’t worry about anything but himself … but now I feel like a lion and when I realize that even the mistakes I make (and I make a lot of mistakes!) don’t are actually destructive because at the bottom of this gay family there is a true emotional bond that doesn’t even collapse in front of my stupidity or my naivety, when I realize that I’m not alone and where I don’t arrive others can arrive, when I realize that these others can do things a hundred times better than I can do and they actually do them … well … then I really feel like a family around, a family that doesn’t judge my mistakes but that understands and loves me, that supports me and comforts me, makes me feel a real affection beyond all possible imagination! Guys! I love you! I dedicate this post to one of us for whom I spent last night without closing a blind eye. I don’t know if he will read this message but I would like to tell him that I love him and that I’m close to him.
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-extended-gay-family

GAY RELATIONSHIPS WITHOUT AN END

Hello Project, I am writing to you because I am in a situation that makes me feel bad like a beaten dog. I am 46 years old, two years ago a 20 year old guy fell in love with me, or at least he did everything to build an engaging relationship with me: sex, but not only that, for us it was the first time, both for him and for me, you understood, Project, I had never been with a guy. I had the distinct feeling that it wouldn’t work and I tried to do everything to stay away but he didn’t give up and we came to build a relationship that lasted more than two years, then, what I feared has realized and he told me that he had found another guy, that he was sorry that I would have taken it badly but that he needed something else. 
The speech put in these terms would still be simple and all in all clear but things were actually much more complex, because we had created a relationship that went beyond sex, I mean that we loved each other and when we broke up (and we broke up well, I mean in a sweet and affectionate way) we actually both knew that something would have remained and that we would always be there for each other and so it was, in fact we never really left each other. 
We no longer had sexual contacts as before because he had a boyfriend, but there was still reciprocal love between us. Project, tell me what is good for this guy? To dedicate himself completely to his new boyfriend, who is a very good guy, and in this case I should completely disappear or in a sense dissolve myself and no longer contact him, or perhaps it makes sense that I exist, with a role that I don’t even know define? However I feel moments of deep suffering because I miss him violently, I remember the days spent together, I dream of those moments almost every night, but I know that I have to leave him free, his happiness is another, there might even be a place for me, but I would still be a secondary character in his horizon. What does one of my age have to do when a not yet 23 years old leaves him but tells him that he still loves him?
With his boyfriend he can now have a story if not in the light of the sun, at least not to hide carefully as he did with our story. I don’t blame him for this, after all I did the same thing and then he would have been considered as a madman at his house not because he is gay but because he stays with someone who is twice his age, something that, for him personally (not at the social or family level), has never created any problem. 
Project, I read with great interest the chapter on intergenerational relationships on “Being gay” but frankly in my case there is not a real couple relationship, maybe there was, but maybe what brought him to stay with me was something else, that is was the need for affection, the need for reassurance, the need to be accepted. In fact this is not the basis of a typical couple relationship but represents the attempt to rebuild a family that no longer exists. I believe this was precisely the meaning of the bond between us. The sex lived together in a calm and without inhibitions way was just the sign of a mutual acceptance without reservation. 
Ok, all this is true, but now he is not there and I feel really empty and destroyed. I know very well that my duty is not to complicate his life but to let him go or to allow him to manage what remains of our relationship exactly as he wants, even that is a sign of acceptance without reservation. But I feel really badly about it, Project, and he doesn’t realize it, and in a sense, I did everything to make sure he didn’t. When we  talk on the phone or on Skype, I act as if nothing has happened, but when we close the phone I feel like crying because those phone calls are not stupidities or formalities, they are a way to confirm that our relationship still exists. 
Here, Project, what really destroys me: the fact that it is not a matter of a thing that is already over, it is not so for him and it is not for me. At my age, before I knew him, I had thought about definitively put aside the idea of having a boyfriend, then he arrived and he upset my plans and now he’s leaving but he doesn’t leave completely and I feel an anguish inside that I couldn’t even describe: anxiety, fear that he might find himself in some trouble, desire to see him happy at all costs and at the same time a deep sense of emptiness, as if I were falling backwards, as if my life was sliding backwards irremediably at the level of two years ago, but after one has known love or at least sex lived with participation, after one has held in his arms a guy in love, well it is scary to think that all this is about to end. 
Something remains, I know, but it’s not enough for me, I know it should be enough but it’s not enough for me. Sometimes I feel like a fool and I try to download all the faults on him but I know very well that he has no faults, that he has lived and is living his feelings with absolute simplicity. I don’t know what to wish for, maybe it would be better if he forgets me soon but I don’t think it would be easy and on the other hand he also loves his boyfriend and I don’t have the slightest doubt about. I know very well that he will never come back with me and that I have to leave him completely free, but Project it’s damned difficult. What can I do? I swear I’m completely confused.
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-relationships-without-an-end