CRITICAL POINTS OF THE PATH OF A GAY GUY TOWARDS HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE

I noticed that the statistical sites show the constant presence of readers who get to Gay Project, through the Google search engine, using keys like: ”married gays”. The problem exists and it is not statistically irrelevant as usually believed.

I try to summarize here some of the fundamental elements that emerged from the Gay Project experience with regard to married gays. Among the absolutely fundamental elements in determining the path that leads gay guys to marriage, we must remember:

1) The idea that being gay is a “choice” that is somehow modifiable or a “vice” that can be prevented or corrected.

2) The idea that sexuality is a marginal reality that, for a heterosexual, must be exclusively instrumental to the creation of a family and procreation and, for a gay guy, must in any case be sacrificed in the name of the family and children.

3) The idea that a gay guy can be fully realized, that is can be realzed at the family level, because the true realization is only that, exclusively through the denial of his sexuality and that this denial will be, after all, painless because compensated by the family affection. In essence, the instinctive affectivity, connected with sexuality, is radically denied in this way. Cardinal Lajolo, in an interview in March 2014, declared, as if it were obvious, that “Gay marriages cannot fail to disappoint those who make them”, in reality, if we consider the constant decrease in the propensity to marriage, the exponential increase in “femicides” and the constantly increasing percentages of divorces and separations (in Italy 50% of marriages end up in divorce or separation), what emerges is the substantial separation of society from the Catholic model of marriage and family.

4) Proposing to a young heterosexual the traditional family as a condition of happiness means to deceive him, on the contrary, it would be useful to induce him to reflect on the problems and uncertainties that marriage can bring and actually brings with itself, given that 50% of marriages end up in court. Proposing heterosexual marriage as the only possible option for a homosexual means even laying the foundation not only for the failure of an entirely artificial family union, which will inevitably weigh on children, but also means condemning a gay to a life entirely against nature, i.e. against his nature, and condemning a woman, who would have every right to have a husband really in love with her, to live in a state of great uncertainty and total dissatisfaction not only sexual but, in almost all cases, even emotional.

5) The idea that the “sacrifice” is a value in itself. Too often guys tend to see the renunciation of their spontaneous sexuality as a merit in the name of the ideal of the family. In reality, when a gay gets married he is convinced that accepting the sacrifice of his sexuality is something high and noble, but in no case self-repression leads, in the long run, to positive outcomes, and the “sacrifice” accepted by the gay, it actually ends up being a violent conditioning imposed on the life of a wife who often isn’t event aware.

6) The idea that conformism to traditional values is always positive, even for those who with certain traditional institutions, such as marriage, have nothing at all to do. Families rarely appreciate freedom and often tend to believe that what is socially accepted is, for this only reason, the best path to follow for everyone and in every situation.

7) The idea that obedience is always a virtue and the free of the single person must be systematically sacrificed in the name of socially accepted general rules.

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-critical-points-of-the-path-of-a-gay-guy-towards-heterosexual-marriage

REGRETS AND GAY MORALITY

Hello Project, I think I have more or less your age, I’m 61. It’s a while I read the forum and I’m fond of it but also it makes me feel a huge melancholy.

My story is simple because in practice, at the beginning in a less conscious way, but then from 14 years more clearly, I no longer had any doubt, 47 years ago, in 1963! Almost half a century of gay life, so to speak, in practice half a century of dreams and nothing. I have always wondered why we cannot live our lives, because others are afraid of us, but I have never been able to understand it, why couldn’t I fall in love with another guy? What would I have done wrong? Of ignorance you can even die, it simply happened to me not to live my life but to live another one.

At 23 I had also found a serious girl who loved me and I was about to take the step of marriage. Today I cannot say if it would have been good or bad, maybe I would have children now, I would have children of 36/37 years and maybe even grandchildren but I would have had to live a life not mine, maybe now I wouldn’t have a life of loneliness but I would have had a false life, in fact, not mine. Not that I had a life of mine, but at least I was not forced to accept a role that doesn’t belong to me.

Now I’m alone. I have relatives but I don’t see them except on occasions, at some wedding or funeral, at Easter and at Christmas. If I look back I don’t know what to think, could I have done another life? But which one? Years ago it was almost impossible and now I’m almost at the finish line. If I take stock of my life it has been a failure, a bit from all points of view. Even now, in fact, I survive with a thousand ailments and with little money, it’s enough, for charity, but in short, I arrived at sunset and I did not finish anything. I’ve never had a story, just once I happened to be close to such a thing.

I had just turned 50 and a guy 20 years old fell in love with me (and I with him) but I was scared and I pretended nothing but I should say that I did it by choice, in order not to hurt him, because he was a really good guy and he loved me in an incredible way.

Our story has never begun and this is the only serious regret of my life. I asked myself a thousand times if I did well and frankly I cannot give an answer, so, rationally, in the abstract I should say yes and be proud of what I did or rather I didn’t do, but frankly I thought many times (although 10 years have passed) of having committed a serious mistake, both for him and for me. I saw another time this guy last year, now in his thirties, we talked a few minutes at the station and I was totally upset, he didn’t want to talk about himself but it was clear that he wasn’t happy.

With me he was very affectionate, almost on the verge of crying. I asked him for his cell phone number but he didn’t want to give it to me and he told me that he didn’t want to put me in trouble and then he hugged me almost violently, very intensely, and got on the train. We stayed to say hello until the train left. I came home with a terrible melancholy inside me.

I go back to the station whenever I can, at the same hour to see if he is there, if it takes the same train, but I’ve never seen him. I think I made the biggest mistake of my life with him because I didn’t act instinctively, but I got carried away by moralism. Of course, the difference in age between us would have been enormous but I think I would have loved him and about the fact that he would have loved me I have no doubt.

Certain choices that look like the right ones in the abstract can not only be wrong for us, but they can also be very bad for others. I came to the conclusion that I imposed that moralism on that guy and that I ruined his life, and he’s a guy who hugged me like no one had ever done before. I think if I could go back, I would behave in another way. I would still like to tell him that I love him! Even if it makes no sense because I have already ruined his life. Project, publish this email, if you consider it appropriate. I’d like him to read it.

I know that the guys of the forum might not like this email but what I say is absolutely true and I have experienced it and I experience it every day on my skin, true love cannot be reconciled with moralism, it’s absolutely something else.

Thanks, Project, and best wishes for your project!

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-regrets-and-gay-morality

A GAY COUPLE 27 YEARS TOGETHER

Dear Project,

I read the discussion “Do the ideas change?” And I think I have to say something about the relationship between people of very different ages . I write to you, Project, then you see what to do with my mail, if you think it’s appropriate, include it in the discussion because I would like to know what the guys think. Naturally, I’m especially interested in what you think about it, because, from the chapter of “Being gay” that you have dedicated to this topic, I think it is not the first time you are faced with situations of this kind. So, let’s get to the point.

I’m 49 years old, at 20 I fell in love with a man much older than me, who was 57, although youthful appearance. My “he” (I will call him Renzo) died two years ago and I miss him terribly. We have been together for 27 years, we have had so many problems, especially due to the fact that people don’t accept this type of relationship and don’t understand that they can be relationships of love in the true sense of the word.

We also had our misunderstandings and in 27 years it happened several times, but then we always came back together because we were well together. I loved Renzo but I didn’t look for a father, at least I never saw him like that, there was a real complicity between us, a way of understanding each other that I think was unique. At the beginning it was difficult because he wanted to keep a certain distance, he felt old and didn’t want to make me any kind of obligations and he didn’t understand that he didn’t create anything of that kind.

We were a couple in the most beautiful sense of the term, even if at the beginning we had to hide because my family would never have accepted a story like ours. For me it was a total reference point, first he taught me to live and then he also taught me to die with dignity and, I would say, with serenity. In the last period he often told me that his life had been a happy life because he had met me, he also told me that he was not afraid of death, that it is a natural thing and that an old man can prepare himself to this event slowly. He never complained, it was he who gave courage to me.

For us there were no civil marriages and for this reason he thought in advance to leave me his assets before they ended up in the hands of distant relatives who had never dealt with him. He did these things with the utmost commitment, I tried to remove the idea of his death but he treated it with clarity, preparing everything with the utmost care. The last days I stayed with him at the hospital even in the night, he was very weak but he always tried to smile at me and I used to held his hand. Unfortunately I was not close to him at the end because they brought him to intensive care and when they let me in he was already dead.

I did everything according to his instructions. At the funeral there were no relatives, he had only distant cousins who hadn’t even been informed, at the funeral there were only a few common friends, among the very few who knew everything about us. He explicitly forbade me from mourning and told me that in my life nothing had to change, he also forbade me to go to the cemetery more than once a year.

After the funeral I felt very bad, right on the verge of deep depression and bad ideas started to go through my head, but he had warned me and had insisted very much in order to push me to do something “good” and I remembered it and started to volunteer during my free time. I would have devoted myself to the elderly but I have been assigned to manage a small clinic (I’m a doctor), for those who cannot even pay the ticket. When we met, Renzo was doing something similar (he too was a doctor) and it seemed strange to me at that time, but then I started to understand the value of these things. Sometimes they called him the night for an emergency and we used to go together.

He did not spare himself, and if he understood that people could not pay, he did his duty completely free. He didn’t go to church, but if anyone needed him, he didn’t hold back and did his best to help him. He was a good man, he thought more of others than himself. I miss Renzo badly, I feel a vacuum inside and I never fell in love with anyone else. I remember how he knew how to reassure me, how he could make me reason when doubts about a thousand things invaded me, especially about the profession. I felt unsuitable, too inadequate to be a doctor and he told me that I was a very serious and competent doctor.

In short, today, two years later, I still feel close to him. I lived the life I wanted. At first he was reluctant, he could hardly believe it, then he saw that I really loved him and he felt completely free. Among us there was also sex, of course, and even in the sex I felt that he tried to make me feel comfortable and make me feel good. He was a profoundly good man, a little like I wanted to be, and this has me pushed to fall in love with him. We loved each other and I think I would never have found happiness if I had not met him. I know very well that for many people what I wrote is pathological but for me it was the true happiness of life.

Vale

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-gay-couple-27-years-together

MESSAGE FROM AND OLD AND SICK GAY

Dear Project, practically your forum is the only one that also speaks of old people with a bit of seriousness, but it lacks one thing: it only talks about old gays who are all in all in good health, Unfortunately I belong to those who are not in good health, I don’t speak of psychological distress because at my age it is a category that has been outdated for decades, I speak of physical health and bad ills in the serious sense of the term. 
 
I often think that my road will bring me to the end in quite short times but despite everything I don’t feel anguished, I wonder what may be the best way to do something good and there are many uncertainties. I’m not afraid of death, perhaps of physical suffering yes, because what I’ve tried until now, after all, was relative, but then you become fatalist and you lose the desire to fight, in some way you accept your destiny. After all, I’m old and I lived my life, so other five or other ten years don’t make a big difference. I think that to the new generations we must first teach to live and then we must also teach them to die with a certain basic serenity, with the conscience of having done at least something good.
 
This is to make you understand the situation, but you don’t imagine how comforting it can be for me to read the forum, read the emails that guys send you and see what the guys answer to the stories of others, it’s like to open one’s own mind to the meaning of life that continues, because these guys will also carry inside themselves something of us, especially if they feel loved and respected by us. After all we have to try, each one of us, to make the burden of others less heavy, this is the meaning of life.
 
Of course in these guys I see myself, they are lucky because they have at their disposal means and possibilities that didn’t exist in our time, but I see that they still have their melancholy and such a melancholy derives largely from the absence of love, from families which became disinterested in them or have been so much interested to become oppressive.
 
I live alone, even if I still have relatives who in their way love me and don’t abandon me and I feel lucky for this. In my life, of gay I had only the imagination and some fleeting adventure over fifty years ago. But it was my previous life, which is now very far away and it seems almost like a dream lost over the years. In recent years, when I was a little better than now and I could leave the house I also met young people, obviously, I think, always or almost straight, young couples with children and even guys who worked and I tried to be kind to everyone, especially with the guys who worked, sometimes there was some mutual sympathy, they treated me well, maybe just for the age, but I don’t think only for that, I think especially because they saw themselves as an object of attention and respect, what I don’t think happens very often.
 
Now I’m happy to read the forum and it’s not a small thing and I thank you very much for this. I would love to send a positive message to the guys of all ages: “put aside your fear and look inside and you will find the right push to first of all do for others what you would have done for you.”
 
And then we don’t live for ourselves only, but to live all of us humans, and not only humans, a bit better. A spontaneous smile helps us live and makes us live better. I embrace you, Project, and thank you for what you’re doing.
Marino
(Publish the e- mail, if you want, in fact I would like it.)
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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-message-from-an-old-and-sick-gay