Hello Project, I think I have more or less your age, I’m 61. It’s a while I read the forum and I’m fond of it but also it makes me feel a huge melancholy.
My story is simple because in practice, at the beginning in a less conscious way, but then from 14 years more clearly, I no longer had any doubt, 47 years ago, in 1963! Almost half a century of gay life, so to speak, in practice half a century of dreams and nothing. I have always wondered why we cannot live our lives, because others are afraid of us, but I have never been able to understand it, why couldn’t I fall in love with another guy? What would I have done wrong? Of ignorance you can even die, it simply happened to me not to live my life but to live another one.
At 23 I had also found a serious girl who loved me and I was about to take the step of marriage. Today I cannot say if it would have been good or bad, maybe I would have children now, I would have children of 36/37 years and maybe even grandchildren but I would have had to live a life not mine, maybe now I wouldn’t have a life of loneliness but I would have had a false life, in fact, not mine. Not that I had a life of mine, but at least I was not forced to accept a role that doesn’t belong to me.
Now I’m alone. I have relatives but I don’t see them except on occasions, at some wedding or funeral, at Easter and at Christmas. If I look back I don’t know what to think, could I have done another life? But which one? Years ago it was almost impossible and now I’m almost at the finish line. If I take stock of my life it has been a failure, a bit from all points of view. Even now, in fact, I survive with a thousand ailments and with little money, it’s enough, for charity, but in short, I arrived at sunset and I did not finish anything. I’ve never had a story, just once I happened to be close to such a thing.
I had just turned 50 and a guy 20 years old fell in love with me (and I with him) but I was scared and I pretended nothing but I should say that I did it by choice, in order not to hurt him, because he was a really good guy and he loved me in an incredible way.
Our story has never begun and this is the only serious regret of my life. I asked myself a thousand times if I did well and frankly I cannot give an answer, so, rationally, in the abstract I should say yes and be proud of what I did or rather I didn’t do, but frankly I thought many times (although 10 years have passed) of having committed a serious mistake, both for him and for me. I saw another time this guy last year, now in his thirties, we talked a few minutes at the station and I was totally upset, he didn’t want to talk about himself but it was clear that he wasn’t happy.
With me he was very affectionate, almost on the verge of crying. I asked him for his cell phone number but he didn’t want to give it to me and he told me that he didn’t want to put me in trouble and then he hugged me almost violently, very intensely, and got on the train. We stayed to say hello until the train left. I came home with a terrible melancholy inside me.
I go back to the station whenever I can, at the same hour to see if he is there, if it takes the same train, but I’ve never seen him. I think I made the biggest mistake of my life with him because I didn’t act instinctively, but I got carried away by moralism. Of course, the difference in age between us would have been enormous but I think I would have loved him and about the fact that he would have loved me I have no doubt.
Certain choices that look like the right ones in the abstract can not only be wrong for us, but they can also be very bad for others. I came to the conclusion that I imposed that moralism on that guy and that I ruined his life, and he’s a guy who hugged me like no one had ever done before. I think if I could go back, I would behave in another way. I would still like to tell him that I love him! Even if it makes no sense because I have already ruined his life. Project, publish this email, if you consider it appropriate. I’d like him to read it.
I know that the guys of the forum might not like this email but what I say is absolutely true and I have experienced it and I experience it every day on my skin, true love cannot be reconciled with moralism, it’s absolutely something else.
Thanks, Project, and best wishes for your project!
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-regrets-and-gay-morality