I apologize to Daniel who has probably felt neglect, what is absolutely far from my intentions.
Hello Daniel, because of the breakup of my computer (and the fact that I don’t open too much frequently my email account on the msn site), I read only today your message of April 7th. I sent you an email to apologize. I published below your email with the whole post you sent to me so kindly. I thank you very much for your trust.
Hello Project, finally I decided! After thinking about a lot I was leaving everything go for the umpteenth time but instead I’m here and now I’ll try to write even if it makes a very strange impression to me, if nothing else because I don’t know you in person even if things you are doing seem to me serious, and I would also say very serious. That’s why I’m writing to you. I didn’t write a post for you to post in the forum or on your gay sites, I send you a few pages of my diary instead. I have always wondered if there are other guys who have lived the same experiences I have lived, it is obvious that they are there, but I wonder if they reacted the same way I have reacted. Maybe I’m not able to give things the right value. I would pray you to publish these pages (if they don’t seem a bit ‘too rough) on the site msn, even on others and on the forum if you like, but on the site msn I would particularly like. I greet you and hug you! Daniel (my contact is: [omissis])
A nightmare day! They sent me around the city all day: do this, do that! Go up, go down! In short, I am the servant of all. I’m a worthless guy, all right, but a bit of education is needed in any case, but why have you to clean your feet on me? It’s people that just sucks, I have to keep good relationships with them because if not, where do I go? The boss shows at least a bit of respect, but the others are really squalid people.
This morning a strange thing happened at the post office, they changed the employee of the packages and put there a young guy, he looked like a kid and today he has been very kind with me. Anyway it’s a little consolation on a shitty day.
I worked little today. I’m tired of doing anything. There is a new guy who works with me, but he is not even passable, he would not be ugly but is clumsy, you tell him one thing and he understands another, sometimes I cannot even understand exactly what he says, he talks strange, I don’t know, anyway he wouldn’t be really bad, but he doesn’t really attract me, let’s say he’s not unpleasant, he tries to talk with me but he wears something similar to a wedding ring, so I think he has a girl.
What a stress! Today the boss came, or better the owner, but I have not even seen him. The manager was in total agitation, he’s probably more than 40 years old but behaves like a kid with the owner, from what I saw, if the boss asked him to go to bed with him, he would say: “ok, boss!”
Then I saw for a moment the guy at the post office counter, who’s really a nice guy, not anything exceptional but very nice, he perhaps attracts me at least a little bit, but we have only exchanged a smile.
At home I quarreled badly with mum, she’s too much interested in my business and I cannot stand it! My father doesn’t do such things, it would not pass by his head, but she is nosy and then what is she looking for? And it makes me angry when she says it’s not true. I put things in a certain order and I always find them in another way.
Anyway for her part any rummaging is useless, my important things are all in the computer under passwords and there nobody can spy, nobody! Today I had to go and get a pizza with Laurence and Luke, but obviously they didn’t remember it, because they have other things to do, they can’t give up the girl to be with me! All right, they say we’re friends! But friends of what?
What a horror Saturday and Sunday. I can only wait for Monday. Friends have a lot of things to do, I don’t! I’m here at home, and what am I doing? Luckily there is internet, but internet is also boring at the end, yes, at least a bit of sex, but it’s all false, I don’t say that it disgusts me, indeed! But at the end beyond a good wank you don’t go anyway, at least as I see it, because I don’t want to be involved in problems of any kind, not even on a psychological level, I hate all that chitchatting, I think, because I don’t know how does it work. A beautiful site is [omissis] indeed it is really nice, but even this website I don’t say that it’s boring, a little I look at it (and more than a bit) but in the end what do I need when I go there? I download a little bit, yes, just on a physiological level, damn but it’s not enough for me, it’s not enough for me anymore! I want a real guy, I want to devote myself to him with all my strength, I can really make a guy happy, but I don’t have a real guy!
Lunch at my uncle’s home. At least I ate well. My uncle, in my opinion, thinks that I can get together with Martina [his daughter]. But I think that such a thing didn’t even cross Martina’s head! Luckily! Otherwise I would have to keep at distance! I had been proposed to enroll in a gym, you know how many beautiful guys to see! But I will never go there! Tomorrow I have to go to work. Ugh! I’m very tired of my job! Now I’m going a bit on the usual site, so my eyes can enjoy.
Today a very strange thing happened, that is not so strange, but is something that came to my mind and doesn’t go away, the guy from the post office smiled at me in a way that could only have a particular meaning. Now I know his name: “Mauro M.” because it’s written on the identification tag he wears around his neck. He started looking for a package sent from my company that was lost and it took more than half an hour to find it but at the end he managed to find it, I followed the whole operation and I was able to observe him closely. It’s really cute, not beautiful but sweet, in short, I would not have gone away anymore. When he found what happened to the package he looked at me straight in the eyes and smiled at me, as if to say: I did it for you! I’ve been thinking about it all day, I guess I’m falling in love.
I told Mauro for a few minutes, he gave me the cell phone number and I gave him mine, we’re going to get a pizza tonight. Who knows what can come out of it? I have to take a nice shower and I have to shave well. Nothing will happen, I know, but if it happens I want to be prepared. He’s gay!!! How beautiful! How beautiful! How beautiful! What a beautiful evening, how sweet, how much I would cuddle him, damn I would have eaten him with kisses and then I really like him because he has not the fixed idea of sex, we were talking in the car, just talking, two gays in the car who keep just talking, it means that he is not one of the usual ones, he has caressed my hand and I was about to die looking at him in the eyes. I felt charged to the nth degree, I thought he would take a step further but it didn’t happen. He told me that he only had had two boys but they both got rid of him because in sex they wanted to do just what they wanted and he felt instrumentalized and tried to make them understand it but they didn’t want to know. But I say: you find a guy like Mauro, but how do you get stuck on things of sex? If you love each other at the end a balance can be found. Poor fellow! I think he felt really bad. With me nothing like that would have happened, I told him so, and he just smiled and kissed me, but slightly. Mauro! How can I not jump on you?
– omissis –
The following week.
With Mauro we have made so much progress, now we kiss just as it should be done, in short, an involving thing on a sexual level, but he also made me a speech a bit strange. He told me what he would like to do with me. Up until a certain point I found myself in his words, but then he asked me if I would have accepted to be passive and said that “that is a great test of love”. This thing gave me a bit annoyance. I told him that I never had had such fantasies and he told me that he felt completely active, then he downplayed and tried to change the subject.
Okay that he can also have different fantasies from mine, but now he puts me in crisis, I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t even want to do things that I don’t like. And then I don’t understand one thing: Marcello, who was gay at the highest level, didn’t have these fantasies, that didn’t even pass through the antechamber of his brain. He had his particularities on many other things, but in things of sex I found myself quite well with him. Mah! This creates problems for me. But why should I do things that I don’t like in order to make Mauro happy? And then there is also the problem of the risk, because in those things there is a risk of AIDS, all right, with condoms it is much less, but it is not even that, mah! But maybe he said so just to say and perhaps he will not even insist, because in fact it could all be fake problems and maybe for him it’s not even an important thing, but from what he said it didn’t seem so.
Damn, tonight he was so cuddly, sweet, but also a bit too insistent. One thing leaves me a bit perplexed: we just kiss, I tried to go further but he stopped me and told me that with me he wants a “complete” thing, i.e. in practice he wants to penetrate me, otherwise nothing! In a sense, for a while, it seemed to me like an emotional blackmail, as if to say to me: either do as I say or you go away. In the end he ripped off me a half-positive reply. Saturday night we go to his house by the sea. I wonder if I’m doing well. It is true that he calls me ten times a day and tells me very tender things, he tells me that he only thinks of me from morning to night and that he masturbates thinking of me but he has not asked me if I do the same. But he insists too much on that other thing. Mah ! And then what can I do? I cannot talk with anyone about anything like this.
Today I didn’t like Mauro too much. When I made love with Marcello, it was all in par, there were no roles of any kind, with Mauro (who is also a nice guy and naked is much better than dressed) I feel like if between us there was nothing really shared. He thinks only of his wishes and I have just to undergo his wishes. I endured everything, but the idea that having sex that way was really disgusting for me, didn’t even touch him, he didn’t understand, or maybe he did not give a damn to it.
I suffered everything and I thought that, after, perhaps we would have exchanged the roles because the thing for me was completely unnatural and repellent, or that there would have had some sex like the one I had with Marcello, that was true sex really shared and lived in two, at par, a thing in which you think about how to make him feel good and don’t even think about yourself, and instead nothing, when he ended doing what he wanted, he didn’t really think about it.
I say, I’m there too! But how can you not notice it? He used me; that I’m a guy like him, he didn’t even notice it, I was just his inflatable doll. Mah! Thinking about these things I also have scruples because maybe from his point of view everything is different and I’m doing the problem too big for things that in the end are not even a tragedy in the sense that one, at the limit … but then why? I don’t know what to think. Tomorrow I will try to talk to him.
I send him a text message a bit affectionate, but yes, like those he always sends me. He doesn’t answer, I send him three text messages and he doesn’t answer me, he never did that, I don’t know what to think. Mauro calls me and tells me that I treated him badly, that I don’t love him because I tried in every way to make him uncomfortable for the fact that he had asked me to be passive and I ended up consoling him and telling him that I love him madly. Not to madness, but that I love him it’s true.
After a week.
He definitely dumped me. We ended up in bed five times in six days, I ended up doing what he wanted, but he also wanted me to pretend to have fun, no! This seemed too much to me and I tried to talk seriously with him about it. I told him that at least I would have wanted a little attention on his part because after all I’m a guy too, he told me that he doesn’t act as a passive because he doesn’t like it, I told him that I was not referring to such things, he replied that if I wanted to be masturbated I could do it alone, he got angry and started to raise his voice, then he calmed down and apologized but I left. Now, somehow, I’m missing him but I finally feel free again. Anyway I miss him very much.
Yesterday I saw Marcello and told him the story. He knows Mauro. Mauro also tried with him with the same technique, but he sent him to hell. Great Marcello! (But why am I always the most stupid of the situation?) He told me that Mauro always does this and that he has already done it with a lot of guys. At least now I have clear ideas. But how did I listen to such a fellow? And now whom do I think of when I masturbate? Well, there is always internet, luckily at least in front of the screen I can be myself!
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-sexual-behaviors