GAY THEMED OCD AND NAKEDNESS AT THE GYM

The following email is a particularly important document, it is not about a gay guy, but about a straight guy with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) characterized by the obsessive fear of being gay. Guys with gay-themed OCD submit compulsively to tests of erection in environments or situations of gay interest, and/or to tests of masturbation with gay fantasies, in order to determine their sexual orientation. Obviously for these guys the climate of the locker room of a gym is generally strongly anxiety-inducing. The hetero guy who wrote the email, very well followed at a psychological level and now about to exit OCD, has begun to attend the gym and the relative locker room and has managed to have, even in that environment, an excellent control of anxiety.

“Hello everyone! I have not written for some time, lately I’m quite absent from the forum, even if I’m in chat almost every night. Many times, in recent years, I happened to feel bad and I came to the forum to open a topic and ask for help and some advice on how to get out of the black moments. This time, however, the situation is opposite, I’m writing to you because I’m finally beginning to understand and accept myself for what I’m, a straight guy, without asking myself too many questions, without making too many problems. My self-esteem has greatly increased, both thanks to psychotherapy, where I put into practice with all my will the therapeutic strategies of my psychologist (I must thank him too, because without him I would never understood the mechanisms and automatisms of thought that had almost taken control of my mind, settling themselves within me), and thanks to my openness to experiences, where I also made many mistakes, but I learned from them.

Unfortunately, today I still suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I don’t deny that when I’m anxious, negative thoughts start to burst and this sometimes makes me very nervous. But the positive thing is that I finally recognized this automatism, and when the thoughts arrive I try to accept them for what they are, that is “thoughts”, as the word just says, which are images, words that are not real in that moment. The fact is that the thoughts provoke emotions, positive, if the thought concerns a beautiful thing and obviously, they cause negative emotions if the thought is negative. I now try to tolerate them, because I’m aware that a thought is a just a thought, and cannot represent reality. I take my life as it comes, with the positive and negative sides, and I try not to make a drama if someone tells me something rude. The negative thoughts are for me (but I think for everyone) a wake-up call, for example if I’m doing something and I start to fell anxious and I negative thoughts appear it means that I don’t really want to do it. I must thank these thoughts, I must thank the anxiety, which on one hand made me suffer like a dog, but on the other made me understand that the life I did until a few months ago, didn’t belong to me, I acted a character that I was not, and I did things I didn’t really want to do.

My life is changing, and positively, of course I have my black moments (like everyone) but I’m beginning to manage them effectively, and above all I try not to emphasize certain situations, which in reality are nonsense. I‘m becoming more elastic mentally, I accept my parents for what they are, I don’t judge them, even if they have judged me in the past, but in my heart I have forgiven them.

I am beginning to listen to myself, my real needs, my body, my sexual drives, I accept all this as normal things. When I’m among the people, I feel like them, neither superior nor inferior. In the past I tended to feel inferior, I judged myself as an incapable, a clumsy. Today when I talk to a person I look at that person straight in the eyes, sure of myself, I pronounce the words well when I speak, I feel at the same level. I don’t judge myself negatively if I don’t have any real friend yet, with whom I could go out on Saturday night.

I always say to myself that everything has its own time and that I must not be in a hurry. Already the fact that I can interact with people and especially with my peers (before I was afraid of my peers), is a big step forward for me and I’m happy for it. I’m sure that if I keep going on this way, showing myself for what I am (and I’m not just talking about my sexual orientation, but I mean everything), I’ll finally be able to find people who have the same sensitivity and with whom I can share good moments. I can finally see the positive aspects of life and I dwell on them, and when I can overcome my fears, I congratulate myself.

A month ago I joined the gym to improve my body and my mood. When I’m there I feel at home, it’s a beautiful environment, there are many quiet guys (and also very nice!) And sometimes I exchange a few words with them. The first few times, I didn’t want to take a shower there, I preferred to do it at home, because I was afraid of having an erection watching other naked guys, then a few weeks ago I decided to overcome this other fear of mine. This morning after the training I took a shower there, before entering the locker room I had a little anxiety, then I took courage and I entered. I started to undress, I took the bathrobe and the bubble bath and went in the shower. After the shower I went to put the underwear clean, to dress, dry my hair etc. etc., in short, all things that normally people do after physical exercises. But all this (apart from the initial anxiety) was accompanied by a sense of absolute freedom, I saw other naked guys and I felt a bit of sexual excitement, but only psychological, in the sense that physically I didn’t have erections.

But if I had had an erection, of course, I would have felt embarrassed, but just because I’m accepting sexuality for what it is, I would not have made many problems. While I was taking a shower and soaping my body and hair, I felt free from all fear, I felt the warm water on my body sliding slowly, the perfume of the bubble bath, the steam that surrounded me. I really relaxed and felt so natural, I was naked along with other naked guys, doing normal things, free from any negative thinking and from any worries. I was so at ease that I was a lot of time in the locker room, I did everything calmly, because there were a few guys, sometimes with the corner of the eye I looked at some penises but I’m very prudent and no one noticed it!

Then, when I was almost completely dressed, a gentleman of about 40 (maybe even less) entered, a sculpted and attractive physique. Even before, when I was doing the exercises in the gym, he had glanced at me and I had returned the glance, then in the locker room he started chatting: “and even today we trained…” and so we talked for a couple of minutes. Then, I finished dressing, I put the jacket on, we said goodbye and went away. When I got into the car, before starting the engine, I said to myself “very good, it went very well!!” and I came back home happy! Often, many of our fears are completely unfounded. The human mind is often a double-edged sword because (as said before) we listen to our thoughts and the famous “anxiety” arrives.

For example, this morning I was very worried about the shower in the gym, I even imagined scenes in which I had an erection in the locker room and someone made fun of me. Instead I experienced the exact opposite, but then again, an erection could happen in the future, but I will not make a problem because it is not. Living well with oneself and with one’s own sexuality is a wonderful thing, feeling one’s own instincts and having one’s own erotic imagery as a sort of private garden where we can only access ourselves with our imagination (this applies to everyone, gay or not) means to know yourself and feel good about yourself. I conclude with two thoughts that I wrote these days in moments of serenity:

1) “I feel good, but not because I’m all right, but because I accept the things that don’t go well without making a drama.”

2) “The charm of life is characterized by the mystery and uncertainty of every day, which are scary to each of us, but at the same time make life more beautiful and intriguing. I am convinced that if each of us knew his own future at the start, he would not even taste every little moment of life. Doubt and uncertainty are and MUST ABSOLUTELY BE PART of life, without them we couldn’t open ourselves to experiences and we couldn’t afford to make mistakes. In my opinion, a man who is not wrong, or doesn’t admit to having made a mistake at least once in his life, cannot be called a man.”

I wish all of you a good evening and happy Christmas holidays! A hug!”

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-themed-ocd-and-nakedness-at-the-gym

A GAY IN THE GYM

[Interview with a 24-year-old boy, registered on 4/16/2003]

Do you want to know what I go there to do? . . . Yes, yes . . . but have I to explain it to you? With this fucking microphone … I feel embarrassed, you’re there to record but it’s me the one who has to do the speech, come on, let’s go further. . . I’m ashamed . . . No, wait . . . ok ok . . . now I try. . . I go there for several reasons, the usual ones, health, sports, all these reasons. . . and come on! . . . don’t make all those grimaces! . . . good! . . . I come to the point! ok ok . . . but in fact I go there to see the naked guys. . . it’s like that, there’s nothing to do, it’s like that, because today you can find everywhere a lot of stuff not only of naked but also of porn at all levels but that is not sex, are only movies, in short are false things, apart from that there is all a false mental attitude, however, those who do those things just are actors, in those things there is very little of natural.

I have seen a lot of films of a certain kind but these things have nothing to do with being in front of real naked guys. Anyway, guys unlike the actors, don’t act, are really happy to stay with other real guys who are not actors, they are there with the utmost naturalness, they joke a little, they play, that is, they are what they really are, it’s just a wonderful climate, for them that is not a sexual climate, it’s normal, this is what strikes me the most: the absolute naturalness of these guys’ behaviors, the affectionate, casual climate despite the nudity. I, in general, when I go to the locker room, stay there a lot of time, but not just to look around, even to wait for them all to go away in order to finally get dressed, because when I’m in there I’m in erection all the time, but if I’m almost fully clothed, no one notices it.

Once, two or three weeks ago, I went there on Monday, when there are very few people, and I found a guy I met a couple of months ago, a straight guy eh. . . so certain ideas, that I have, must pass from my head. He’s called George, a guy 22 years old, but just a nice guy, but so straight that you cannot be more straight. . . that only talks to you about his girlfriend, in short you have understood the type. . . and you should hear the voice. . . a very sexy thing.

I was sitting on the bench pretending to put things right in the bag, he was coming out of the shower, practically we were just us. He puts himself in front of me, as his mother did him, and begins a conversation based entirely on girls. The show was unique, it was just beautiful. That is, now, it is obvious, for a gay guy to see a naked guy is also a sexual attraction, however, apart from this, a beautiful naked guy is just beautiful, that is a work of art. But he Has been there chatting without dressing for at least twenty minutes, I think he also had the pleasure of being seen. . . because if you’re ugly you do well if you cover yourself, but if you’re a nice guy you have nothing to cover. I was always shocked by the immediacy and the absence of inhibitions of the guys like George, for them it is obvious, for me it is absolutely unthinkable. Then he greeted me and left. . . as if nothing had happened, I had to recover from the emotion, because in the state in which I was not I was not able to go out, after a few minutes I went out, I found him at the bar and he offered me a tonic water, then he left but before leaving me we shook hands very cordially, he with his beautiful smile and a beautiful warm, strong hand. . .

Something like this is not very common, you can usually see many naked guys, all together, but the scene doesn’t imprint on your brain, while with George, a very different situation had been created. It is clear that it happens once in a while, sometimes such a thing doesn’t happen for several weeks, but when it happens, even just once, you don’t forget it anymore and, there is no need to say It, when you come home you have an erection just thinking about it, with everything that is coming after. In a way I know George intimately, even if these are frustrating things, anyway. . . a few days later I see George, he greets me, asks me if I remember him. . . damn if I remember! I remember every little detail of him, well, you understood. He smiles at me. . . if he knew that I not only remember him but that I think about him very, very intensely, every night. . . Well, I don’t know what he would do. . . I think he would choose another gym. . . or not? . . . Boh!

The story of George has been a bit exceptional, in general it is a far more trivial thing. . . but for a gay guy of my age it’s anyway a great temptation. Then there is a fact, I never go to the gym with friends, I always go there alone. I don’t know If there are any other gay guys, I’ve never notices anything that concretely credited this hypothesis. In there, it seems that I’m the only one inhibited, or other gays are perfectly integrated, I don’t know, but the feeling is as if there are no inhibited guys. That they are all true hetero it would seem strange to me, but, at least at eye and cross, it’s what seems most likely.

Ah. . . one thing, and it’s something that I’ve always noticed and has always struck me, the guys who go to the gym tend to make friends and it works well, while I feel out of the group, I feel somehow not to be part of the group and sometimes it also comes into my mind that becoming a voyeur, because I actually it’s what I’m, it is also not very respectful to these guys, I feel a bit like a thief, I would very much not steal these moments of intimacy, but you can get these thing only this way . . . and then I don’t see a real reason to be ashamed for . . . I feel like a thief, it’s true, but basically I do not steal anything from these guys, they are completely unaware, it’s true. . . but they don’t remain traumatized and then everything is so natural.

In the gym I’ve never seen bad jokes, that is sexual ones, I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen these things. When there is someone new, it is usually presented to the other guys by a friend who already attends the gym and I never saw situations of embarrassment. Ah, another thing, many, who don’t feel any embarrassment in being naked, are anyway not naked all the time but put a towel on their hips, but not to hide something, because then they take it off without any embarrassment. It’s all a ritual, it’s all coded, they all behave more or less the same way, it’s just a sort of masculine collective ritual.

At the my gym showers are closed by plastic blinds and there is a little privacy, in fact I almost never go there. When guys come out, they usually come out with a towel around their hips. . . but then they remove it to dry well. That of the locker room is really a special environment, there is a climate of total freedom that there is never in any other situation. When there is a new guy I’ve never seen before I try to fix things so that I enter the locker room just when he too is there, I study very well all the strategy that has to look totally random, but not only, first of all I greet him, I go by him when he does the weights or when he is at the machines, I explain how the machines work, that is, I try to create a minimum of relationship but then the brain goes always there.

I mean that I have not really known a guy until I have seen him naked, that is, I have to get there, I have to know how he’s done, it’s very important. When it happens I have a complete picture that guy, it’s not a stupid thing, it’s just like that. . . and when it happens like with George that a familiarity is formed such that the guy stops talking to you when he comes out of the shower without dressing . . . well, what can I say to you, it seems to me that a very special intimacy has been created. But now it’s enough, don’t make me talk too much, I can’t go into details. . . but if a climate like that created with George was created with a gay guy, it would be the best. . .

I know very well that a similar climate with a gay guy would never exist. . . but I understand them those who fall in love with heterosexuals, because I think of George a thousand times a day. I saw his schedules and I set mine just as his, perhaps something interesting could come out! A scene like that of three weeks ago could be repeated, but till now it didn’t happen. When he arrives he greets me and smiles as well, I always try to catch him in the locker room both before and after the shower, but I cannot insist too much. I have a dream, I would like him one day would really stop to talk with me, but not naked as it happened three weeks ago, I would like him to ask me a ride at the exit, I would accompany him home and I would like him to look into my eyes and say: “I don’t have the courage to tell you. . . but I’m gay and I’m in love with you!” . . But no! He’s just a beautiful hetero! . . . but does it seem right to you?

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If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-a-gay-in-the-gym

FEELING GAY AND REBORN

December 9th 2015 the day of my rebirth. And here I am, in spite of my shyness, to share my life with you all. 
Let’s start from the beginning, my childhood. Well, my childhood. What to say, a period totally “black”, a father with vices, who beats your mother and you look, 5/6 years old, and you are helpless, the worst thing is to look and not be able to do anything, and, despite all, my mother has always had a smile printed not to make me worry, to make me grow without hating my father or anyway to protect me in some way from everything that happened. 
But let’s leave this argument, now it’s an old story, even if sometimes when I least expect it, I think back to those images. At that time the only person with whom I could feel good, playing, was my cousin V., he was two years older than me, a brother in short, with whom I could play and not think about those moments. After that period has ended, one has started even worse. 
At 11 years during the period of secondary school, I had taken a lot of kilograms, because many times I used to take refuge in food when I was down. I have been a victim of bullying for 3 years, when I came home I had a sore body, they enjoyed pinching me where I had the “rolls”, but the strongest pain was due to the nicknames that bothered me. Even now while I’m writing, if I think back to those moments, I feel a great sense of suffering. I’ve always been one that keeps everything inside, never showing outside my emotions, and I didn’t talk to anyone about those things. 
The only one who had noticed my behavior was V., I felt better when he was talking to me, but then, one day, when I reached the peak of sadness, and I needed him, he gave me the coup de grace. We were in his room, I state that I had not seen any kind of pornographic magazine/site, and even less I knew what masturbation was. He tells me “Undress, I want to give you a massage”, I didn’t see it as a strange thing because he used to massage me when I was stressed, but that day was different. While I was lying down, he slipped my panties off and abused me. 
I know it may seem stupid to talk about abuse in this case, because you could tell me “Ok, you were there, you liked it maybe, so what do you want?”, But at that time I needed a person to help me because I was mentally fragile, and at that moment I felt nothing, I felt useless, lost. Since that day I have no more been in contact with him and I have started to close more and more in myself. 
And here we are at the beginning of high school, same story, shyness and closure due to my outward appearance, I could only relate to someone if someone spoke to me, otherwise I stood in the corner, in silence as if I were a shadow. I began to feel good when I saw people approaching and chatting with me, but after a few months I realized that they were guys/girls who approached me only to get help in some subject, because I was a nerd, then after getting a good grade in that subject they didn’t consider me anymore. 
Good. Finally a positive period arrives in my life, so if you have suffered with me while you were reading the first part, I hope you can breathe a sigh of relief. In the third year of high school my class has been dismembered, and I ended up in another classroom. New classroom, new companions, new isolation. Within the classroom, most of them had a schoolmate, before the desks were all occupied, I threw myself on the first empty desk I found. And N. comes to sit next to me, short red hair, fair complexion, smiling. He sits next to me and immediately introduces himself, and starts talking to me as if we’ve known each other for years. 
At the beginning I started eggshells, I said to myself “But he will be the umpteenth guy who tries to cheat me with a little smile to use me in some way”, as V. and the others did. In the days to follow, however, I saw that he behaved like that with everyone, he was sincere, outgoing, he gave me attention and in the evening forced me to go out with him and his friends (since I had never left home until the age of 16). 
I believed in him when during the fourth year trip to Budapest, we had to go with the whole classroom to a spa. The world collapsed on me, I had to undress in front of the whole class? I rather shoot myself. He squeezes me that day, looks at me and says: “Listen, now you prepare and come, do you think you are obese? That is, you weight 100 kg, is this for you to be obese? You are going to see people who are in the spa that weight about 200, I want to see what you think then. And, listen, if you don’t go there, I don’t go either.” 
So I went there, and in the locker room he tried to act as a barrier so that other classmates could not make fun of me in any way, and he was close to me for as long as we’ve been in the spa. After that trip, the doubts began, the questions, the malaise; because when he was absent from school or I became aware that he had a girlfriend, I was jealous. A morbid jealousy, so much to be angry with him and fight, and of course I realized that I was exaggerating. I spent sleepless nights wondering, “Why do I think of him? Why am I so jealous? Why do I go to school in the morning only to see him?” And I also started to get excited when I thought of him. 
At that moment, the deepest part of me, perhaps, already understood that I was homosexual, but my mind refused to believe it, perhaps because I was thinking about the pain caused by obesity? I don’t know. But my mind went into a self-defense mechanism, let’s call it so, to find answers (excuses) to these questions. Anyway maybe I think because he was the first to consider me and therefore I considered him like a brother, and somehow like a part of me, our story went on. 
The diploma arrives, for me the terror. Why? Because I knew I would never see him every day, how would I have done? Luckily in the following months he had enrolled in the gym, and he invited me to register with him, so I could see him 3/4 times a week. Everything lasted until he found a girlfriend, after he got engaged our relationship was waning, and I’ve been sick for months, because I knew I couldn’t see him anymore, by the way the year after he left for the military service. So I slipped into a huge emptiness, yet another hope destroyed. 
There were two girls, my classmates, and one of them had a crush on me, which I realized after quite a while since I didn’t pay attention to her ways to tell me “Look, I like you!” At that moment I thought it was time to get engaged, after all I was 19, my best friend was engaged, so I took the opportunity on the fly to organize a couple of occasions to be with her. 
In this period, further doubts and uncertainties have arisen, because I noticed that when I kissed my girlfriend I didn’t get excited, I didn’t think about sex, I didn’t feel anything. As for sex, fortunately she didn’t want to do it because she was a virgin, otherwise I don’t know how I would have done it. After 8 months we broke up because she told me that she didn’t see a bit of love towards her, but only affection. I felt sick, because, as those bullies had played with my feelings, at that moment I seemed to have played with the feelings of a friend of mine, having deluded her. 
The University begins, new environment, new companions, on the one hand happiness, on the other, the umpteenth fear due to my appearance. Same behavior as in the high school, as if I hadn’t matured in those years. As usual, aloof from people who had already created small groups. After a few minutes M. sits next to me, an extrovert guy, solar, brown and with a little belly (eh eh!). In short, we begin to talk and somehow I see N. in him, but M. seemed even better. 
We were so close together that that we saw each other in the morning, the afternoon we studied together or at my home or at his, we went out in the evening. Even with him fraternal relationship, I managed to talk more, to trust in myself, and he also talked to me about his intimate problems, many times he asked me for advice and told me that I was a good listener. 
We created a small group, and we spent our evenings in bars, discos, between alcohol and entertainment. In “their” case, even girls, because they went to the disco with the intention of courting girls, I instead just to change, prisoner of my shyness, I was just trying to have fun. 
Last summer, summer 2014 (I will never forget it!), my parents go on vacation for a week and I send a message on the whatsapp group that we had in common: “Guys I have free house, if you want to come here to sleep, we organize some alcoholic evening or we give ourselves to meat cooked on the barbecue and wine, in short, use my home as a hotel!” M. took me seriously, got his suitcase and moved to me for a week. Woe to me that I sent that message! 
That week was overwhelming, we were walking around the house in our underwear, going out of the shower and staying naked for a half hour, we slept together and when we were in bed sexual talks were usual. I had to go continuously to the bathroom to lessen my excitement. 
After two days I confessed to him that I was happy that he had come, because I never had brothers and with him I could talk about everything and I was fine. After those words he hugged me, and in the following five days when I least expected it, while watching TV, while I was on the couch, he came and hugged me. When the seven days ended and he went away, I felt like crying. Take me for crazy, but for two weeks I couldn’t set foot in the room where we slept, I thought of him, it was something stronger than me. 
Perhaps at that moment the hidden part of me was about to come out. But a few days later, in addition to having engaged with a girl, he shoots a very ugly sentence. He has always been a bit racist, but I have never seen anything in his attitudes that was against gays. Sorry if I write to you this sentence, if you want, you cannot even read it, because in my opinion it is really very aggressive, and at that time I considered myself hetero, you can figure out how I can take it now. 
He said, I don’t remember exactly in what context “But … the fags? All sick people, they should get treatment, because it’s a disease … if it were up to me I would reopen the ovens of Auschwitz, just to burn them all.” So, you know, when you put someone on a pedestal and then it collapses? Here it is. 
In February, this year, out of curiosity I get on the scales and see “130 Kg”, I said to myself: “Well … there are people I saw on TV who weig 140/150/160, and cry, despair because now that they have understood the gravity of the situation they can no longer make a movement and everything is much more difficult. Why do I have to wait for that moment too? It’s very easy to get 20 kg. Why do I have to be sick? I have to lift my ass and get busy.” 
I start the gym. Well, what about … I noticed that in the locker room I had pleasure in seeing guys undress and take a shower. And I always tried to look at the guys in question in full, maybe if I was about the last exercise and there was a guy I liked, I calculated the time it would take for him to go undress and get into the shower, so I could see it. Just to masturbate then thinking about the guys seen that day. 
Obviously the time came for the “Why I do it?” And here again the twisted mind, with the self-defense system told me: “Anyway I definitely enjoy looking at the naked guys, because I’m obese and I like to see lean or athletic bodies.” I think after reading these things, you smiled or said: “What problems does your brain have? Seriously!” Unfortunately it was so, I gave myself these stupid answers. 
In November I reached 85 kg, obviously I was very happy, also because relatives or people around notice your change and your willpower and congratulate. Then, finally, I had destroyed the barrier that had prevented me from dealing with people for years. Everything seemed perfect. But instead … But no. Mid-November, new feelings of emptiness, as if something were missing, and I saw that I continued to be attracted by guys. Has it become a habit? 
I made the decision to go to a psychologist, I told him a little bit about my life. I noticed that at every session he always asked me the same question “Are you okay with your sexuality?” And I, like a stupid: “Yes yes, I’m fine.” After that question strangely he changed the subject. After 5/6 sessions he told me “I don’t see anything unusual in you, because we talked for a long time, and you are convinced that everything is okay, I cannot do anything else.” 
Now don’t ask me why and how, but 8 days ago, December 9th, I’m assailed by the umpteenth doubts and thoughts. I type on google “Test to understand if you are gay”, and I come across Gay Project test (thankfully). I conclude the test and I have a positive result. I thought “Ok, it’s just a test”, and I started out of pure curiosity to read stories of guys who understood they were gay, right here on the forum. At one point while I was reading, I take my head off the pc, I look out the window and in a loud voice I say, “I’m gay!” At that time I needed a writing that would come out of the computer maybe capitalized “Oh finally, and what the hell, and it took all this time?” 
Overwhelmed by the thing, I turned the computer off and went to bed. At that moment I thought back to my whole life, from childhood. That’s why I was sick without N., I was in love with him. That’s why I felt nothing for my girlfriend, not because she was like a sister to me, but because I didn’t feel love for girls, but just deep affection. That’s why I was fine with M., and I even felt like crying, and collapsed when he made that statement. That’s why at the gym I was excited looking at the guys. The day after I felt reborn! 
December 9th 2015 is perhaps a date I will not easily forget. On the one hand very happy, on the other a little less. Because at first I said to myself: “But what the heck, after finally managing to throw down the wall of obesity, now I have to face this other situation!” I know that this will be a difficult path full of obstacles, but ok, I accept it. It took me 9/10 years to fight obesity. Ok, it will take as many for this thing!” 
But who knows …, as long as I’m quiet with myself, I’ve discovered my real self, I’m reborn and I’m optimistic. Now I just want to create friendships, because unfortunately in my city people are strongly homophobic, they don’t reach the level of M., but still don’t joke. So doing a C.O. it would be destructive, at least for the moment. I hope to create many friendships here, and to find out more about this new “world”, because I’m totally unaware of some terminologies or sexual behaviors among gays. 
I THANK YOU for the time you have spent reading my story, because that a person who doesn’t know me should devote me 5/10/15 minutes of his time, it is already a gift. So I thank you for your time. I hope my story can give some confidence to all who are bullied, who are suffering, and who have suffered. I only tell you not to give up, to force you. Cannot you do it alone? I am at your disposal, from today on I will be in chat or here on the forum. Excuse me for any grammatical errors, it is 3.40 in the morning and I sincerely don’t want to read all the papyrus I wrote, in case I will do some changes. I hope I have written things in an orderly manner, because sometimes I tend to go from one thing to another. Thanks again and have a nice day!
Greetings from your Little Wolf! 
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If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-feeling-gay-and-reborn

A GAY GUY LOOKING FOR NAKED GUYS IN THE LOCKER ROOM

Hi Project,

I am a normal gay guy 25 years old (recently) but, I say immediately I have never had sexual intercourses with anyone, neither with a girl nor with a guy. Nevertheless I feel a very strong sexual attraction, there are guys to whom I tried to make it clear that I was interested in them, but obviously or they were not gay, or, if they were, they were not interested in me. So I’ve not even had a real emotional relationship with a guy.

All my sex life, since I was 14, is dominated by pornography. When I was very young I spent hours and hours watching porn videos online, sometimes I stayed up all night for this, I had a collection of sites that I visited often, practically every day. Masturbation had become at the same time my only pleasure and my obsession, I masturbated two or three times every day, then I thought I was a pathological case because I did not have a girlfriend and masturbated so much on gay videos.

Time has passed, a lot of psychological complexes don’t even exist anymore, that is, I don’t have problems for my desires, I try to realize them and that’s it. Pornography always dominates the picture but now I use it a lot more selectively, there are some actors that I like a lot and also some content that doesn’t attract me at all, like anal penetration. I have nothing against those who practice it and consider it pleasant, but frankly such things never went through my head, it seems strange to me that I find it everywhere, in practice in all gay videos. Perhaps this is another anomaly of mine.

Six months ago a new adventure began. I, who had never crossed the entrance of a swimming pool or a of gym because I was afraid of getting excited and having to run away literally with my tail between my legs, I began to go to the pool three times a week just to stay in a sporting environment all masculine in which nudity was a common sight.

In fact, when I go to the swimming pool, in the changing rooms and in the showers I always see so many guys completely naked, even if the environment has something erotic just for me. I see clearly that for others the thing is totally indifferent. So many guys stay naked in the locker room for a very long time, they chat with others and even with me completely naked, they come closer, because for them all this doesn’t create any problem. They do not even feel embarrassed for a half erection or an almost complete one. Everything is covered by an atmosphere of male solidarity that for them has nothing erotic.

I don’t know if it makes sense to go to the pool for the reasons why I go there, but I really like to go there, it is in practice the only opportunity to get sexually excited without using pornography, watching real guys, and some are really very nice. I chose the times of my attendance so I can meet the guys I like the most.

But there is a situation that affects me a lot, sometimes I hear the guys talking to each other, they talk about work, study and even about their girls, well, they don’t seem at all conditioned by sex like me, for them their girlfriends are a bit the other half of their lives, not an eminently sexual interest, for them sex is not an obsession, or so it seems. I would very much like to talk to these guys but I never do, because sooner or later they would ask me about my girlfriend and I should answer by telling a lie.

Then there is another half obsession that I carry with me every time a new guy arrives and is to imagine how he has it (you understand what), I try to imagine it and at the same time I try in every way to see that guy naked to verify if I had guessed. I’ll look like a maniac, Project, but the association of a beautiful body with a nice (you understand what) seems to me the best. However, often, beautiful guys, those with a superlative physique, from that particular point of view are not really so beautiful. Obviously all these images and these situations stored in my brain, when I come back home, become material to fantasize about during my endless masturbations.

Project, I want to stress that I’m not bad about all these things, maybe it happened years ago, but today it doesn’t happen anymore, I know that my life is this, maybe there will be sooner or later a guy in my life, I hope so but I’m not sure, but for many years still the pool will certainly be there. I fantasize often about those guys, about what we could do together, even if I know very well that nothing like that will ever happen.

In particular I like one called Alex, or for friends Al, I build on him a lot of mental novels, or rather of novels full of sex. I imagine that we are lovers, that we are accomplices and that he has fallen in love with me, I dream of having him with me in my bedroom, I dream of undressing him off while he wants to get undressed and encourages me, I get excited even now just thinking about it, because he’s beautiful, I dream that we embrace each other naked and touch each other everywhere and each of us holds the (you understand what) of the other in his hand and then you can imagine the rest. It is now three weeks that these scenes accompany all or almost all my masturbations.

If I could have Al I would not look for anyone else. And the crucial point is that I don’t have a generic physical idea of him, I know everything about him, but really everything: I know how he has it (you understand what), but also how he gets a hard on and in what situations, I know where he has a small mole, right in a very intimate place, in short I know everything about how he’s made physically, only he’s not in love with me but with his girlfriend … and for me there are only the fantasies and the beautiful images that I bring with me printed indelibly in my brain.

Once he and another guy made a sexual joke to another guy, one of their friends, they were all naked and the scene was beautiful, they laughed and played just like children, with the utmost naturalness. I guess I’ll never forget that scene!

Is all this normal, Project? Is it normal for a guy 25 y. o. to do what I do? Will I ever meet a guy like Al who can truly fall in love with me? I’m not a beautiful guy, but I’m not bad either, the trouble is that only girls fall in love with me and some of them try to involve me in a very provocative way. Maybe I take refuge in the pool to escape from the siege of the girls, who take for granted that I should fall in love with them.

Now I leave you. If you send me your skype contact, we can talk a bit.

Andrew

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