HETEROSEXUAL EXPERIENCES OF A GAY GUY

Project, I wanted to ask you an opinion on something that happened to me and that put me quite upside down. I am 22 years old, I am rather clumsy with the things of sex, in practice I have never had sexual experiences with either girls or guys. I always thought I was gay because the girls never attracted me and my sexual fantasies were always for guys, except very rare cases, when I was 16, and deliberately forced myself to think about girls but, let’s say so, with a minimal physiological reaction, practically almost nothing. 
 
About a month ago I met a girl from my city (a small northern city) on the campsite, she is about my age, we were both with our friends, I was with three other guys and she with two guys and another girl, then we met at the sea in the morning, spent the morning all together, we all took a bath together then there were those who sunbathed, in short, the usual things you do on the beach. My three friends were busy with the girls they found there, but a normal thing, that is talking, joking a little, the usual things you do between young people, I watched, with the usual attention not to get caught, one of the two guys of the other group, who was not bad, let’s say who was not bad to look but was not really my type of guy, however my three friends, that is those of my group, have never attracted me from a sexual point of view and that guy was the “least worst” there.
 
Until here there is no story, the usual thing of the gay who has to be content to watch. But something unexpected happened. The girl I told you began to talk especially with me, to joke but in a very nice way, without the typical attitude of certain girls who are taking a crush, a little like a guy. Let’s say that this girl was tall, very thin and with blonde hair cut very short and had a very small breast, basically it made me imagine her a little as a guy, but she was a girl. I was fine, let’s say so, from a certain point onwards I began to treat this girl in a freer way, a little as I would have done if she had been a guy, playing even with a minimum of physical contact and it was really not unpleasant. My friends have noticed all this, according to them I was aiming at her, I went on with the game because my friends didn’t know about me. In practice so we arrived at the end of the holiday, I completely forgot to look at the guy of the other group and I always looked at the girl.
 
There is one thing to say though, in reality I didn’t even think I fell in love with that girl because during the whole period that, let’s say, I was with her, I continued to masturbate with my usual gay fantasies, that is she was very pretty, etc. etc. I saw her as a friend, but she didn’t attract me sexually, and then she didn’t even try anything with me neither at a minimum level, let’s say it was just a nice and pleasant liking. Then we came back in the city and things have taken another way.
 
My parents were out on vacation and I invited her to my house, she was not at all surprised and immediately said yes,  for a while I have been happy then I felt a bit embarrassed, but now the thing had already started and we can say that I wanted to see how it would end, but I was determined to avoid any form of sexual involvement.
 
She arrived at my house, I had bought some good things at the fry shop, we ate, the speech was embarrassed, there was something unsaid, that anyway still conditioned us, I was very cautious and she didn’t know if to step further. At the end of the lunch we sat on the sofa, I felt the tension in the air. At a certain point she snuggles up close to me and tries to rest her head on my legs at the groin, I stop her, I take a pillow and I put it on my legs to avoid any genital contact, let’s say. I don’t think she understood the meaning of the maneuver, however things doesn’t go further, I start talking about the campground but just like I would have done with a guy, but she was a girl, resting her head on my legs and we were alone at home.
 
Here I began to get an erection but, if I have to be honest, I tried to imagine that she was a guy, or maybe I don’t know, the fact is that I got an erection. We had been like this for an hour, she looked at me in a tender way every now and then, sometimes tenderly blowing my face and smiled and I liked all of this. Then she told me: “Do you like an ice cream?” I said yes, she got up and asked me where the bathroom was, so I had time to put myself in a condition that could let me to stand up without embarrassment, let’s say I was a bit wet. If I have to be honest, I was not bad. Then the ice cream and the walk, just as if I had been with a male friend. I take her back home, she tells me it was great and asks me what I had to do the next day, so we agree to repeat the experience the next day.
 
I go back home, I think about everything that happened, I don’t mind but I think that if it happened with a guy I would have exploded with happiness and it would have been another matter. In the evening I don’t masturbate, which is rare for me.
 
The next day we repeat almost exactly the same script, but as was to be expected, she takes one more step, tells me that it’s too hot and takes off her blouse and bra and lies down on my legs like the day before, she has actually small breasts, she is a beautiful girl but she is a girl, then she takes my hand, takes it to her mouth and kisses it in a very light way, then she begins to caress her breasts with my hand, I am in erection and a little wet, I let things go on, then I start to caress her, it is a pleasant feeling but I realize that it is not what I want, I start to feel embarrassed, somehow the situation is pleasant but I realize that we are going to things that I don’t feel mine at all, then I begin to have doubts, i.e. I think that basically with her I could also have done something because I hadn’t felt any sense of repulsion, I don’t know what would have happened if the situation had switched to sexual genital things but I think I could even have had a little sex games with that girl.
 
Anyway she realizes that I am very much cautious and I don’t tend spontaneously to go further, she blows on my face and tells me smiling: “ice cream?” This means that she is a clever girl who perceives immediately the situations of embarrassment. She goes to the bathroom, I get back in order, I’m actually quite wet. When I leave her at home she tells me that she will not be there for a few days because she will go to [omissis] to her parents but immediately adds that she will call me back as soon as she comes back and that we will be in contact by cellphone. She greets me giving me a very light kiss on the mouth. She had never done such a thing before.
 
I come home a bit relieved that we will not see each other for a few days but a little I miss her. I begin to think back to the sensations I felt while caressing her breasts but the feeling is strange. In the evening I try to masturbate thinking about her and what we did, it does not come spontaneously, a half-thing, more forced on a physical level that enjoyed with the imagination, but I come to the end but to an end so unconvinced that I begin to ask myself what I’m doing.
 
In the morning I wake up in erection as almost always happens to me, I turn on the PC, I look for videos of guys and I masturbate on those videos. It is incomparably different, I realize it and I say to myself: “What the hell am I doing? I’m gay! I can also get an erection by playing with a girl (and then only with that girl, because she is a very particular girl), but I really don’t see myself having sex with her, I want a guy!” Project, now I come to the questions, but from what I told you, do you think I’m straight (I don’t think so) or at least bisexual? Maybe just a little? And then what should I do with that girl? Being close to her is pleasant for me, I cannot deny it, but it is that step by step you get slowly to sex and, at the limit, maybe I could even accept it but it is not really what I want. This is my problem! If you want, publish the email as it is, but, please, change the names of places.
A hug.  Perplex
__________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-heterosexual-experiences-of-a-gay-guy
Advertisements

FEAR OF BEING GAY

I saw on the forum the section “understand to be gay” and I would like to ask Project to put this story in that section. I don’t think my story is very common, now I know in person some gay guys but they have very different experiences from mine, in the sense that they have always felt gay. For me it was not like that. I grew up in full conviction of being straight and I brought this idea with me in practice without any failure until the age of 21 and beyond. 
I had my first sexual contact with a girl around the age of 16, at 18 I had my first full intercourse with a girl and I liked it as do all the straight guys. I loved sex with girls, and I also loved them on an emotional level. In short, they were the only real object of my sexual fantasies. At 19 I got engaged with Martina (the name is invented) the same girl with whom I had my first intercourse. Together we were very well, even on a sexual level. I felt really satisfied. I don’t say it just to say, it was exactly like that. I was born in September and then I was already 21 years old. Martina gave me the best gift I could wish for. We went out together three days and they were dream days! This is the premise.
I come back from the three days with Martina on Sunday evening, the next day I go to university and I come to know that the professor of genetics with whom I had to do the thesis would no longer have been our teacher. It bothered me. I tried to understand what an end I would have done. All the students in my group would have been assigned to the genetics professor of the other channel who was not specifically a molecular geneticist. However there was not much to do.
The first lesson would have been the next day at 9.00 in the morning. The next day at 8.30 I was in front of the classroom and, according to my old habit, I looked around searching for the most beautiful colleague. I see a pretty good girl, I follow her, I sit next to her and I try to have a chat until the professor arrives, then, turning around casually backwards, I cross the gaze of a guy I had never seen, probably one of the other channel. I don’t pay any attention to him at the moment, then the thing is repeated and I notice that the guy watching me, as soon as I turn away immediately looks away. He is farther behind me so he can watch me carefully while I cannot turn around … but I know he is there and he is watching me. But what does he have to watch? 
Then the lesson ends, I turn around but he is gone, I feel almost upset for this, then I turn to my pretty colleague, but I’m distracted, significantly distracted. I’m not thinking of the guy … but not even of the girl. I didn’t know why, but the thought of that guy comes back to me from time to time, I wondered if I had already seen him elsewhere but I didn’t think so, I tried to find a reason why he was watching but I could not find any but I kept thinking about the situation. Then I forget these things, in the afternoon I go back to my usual things and don’t think about that guy for a while … then in the evening all the tory comes back to my mind, I say to myself: “But what is he looking for?” 
The next day I see him again, he is much more cautious, obviously he doesn’t want me to catch him while he observes me. The game of looks distracts me even during the lesson. I don’t know what to do, it bothers me that you look at me like that … I promise to make him understand … I turn a bit while the professor is turned to the blackboard and I catch him looking at me, with my hand I wave him, as if to say. “What do you want?”, He makes me understand that he will tell me at the interval … and I wait for the interval to understand what it is … the bell sounds the end of the lesson. 
I go out, he approaches me, I ask him: “But we know each other?” And he answers me “Unfortunately no …”. I don’t even understand the meaning of that “unfortunately” and ask him: “But why do you observe me?” He replies: “Because you are a beautiful guy …” and in saying so he becomes red and turns his eyes to the other side. I didn’t expect at all an answer like that … I just told him: “What are you talking about?!” and I left but all the situation disturbed me deeply. I felt a bit like a whore to have been approached in such a direct way and then, with my parameters of that time, that a guy could tell another guy something like the one that he had said to me, it seemed to me completely absurd … I had never hated gays, for me they simply didn’t exist, he was the first gay guy I met … and he made me a half declaration … I was upset, agitated, almost offended, I felt dirty because I had been desired by another guy, it seemed a strange thing, unnatural … 
In short, I thought about it all afternoon … then in the evening I saw Martina, I have said “I saw” her just to say that we have withdrawn to save our privacy as we always used to do. Between us the confidence was total, I told her the story and she replied: “Well … He’s just a pansy!” And she said it in a tone that I didn’t absolutely like. For a moment I hated her, but, afterwards, the anger has passed and we made love … but while we were making it, occasionally I remembered that guy and this thought bothered me. I didn’t say anything to Martina because I didn’t like her previous reaction. How strange are things! … With a girl you go to bed and then you don’t tell her what you think! But it was exactly what was happening to me. 
I came home angry with myself … it was the first time I didn’t tell Martina all the truth and why? For an idiot who told me something in a gay language … I didn’t understand why such a thing could happen, I couldn’t be influenced by stupid things like that … but in fact he had said only a few words, stupid as you want but just a few words … it was me who was going into crisis because of those stupid words. The next morning I saw him at the university, he didn’t approach me and pretended nothing and I was sorry … I said to myself: “No problem! This guy tells everyone what he told me!” But I was angry that he pretended not to see me and then I took the initiative, I approached him and greeted him with a hello, he replied with a smile, as if to say: “I’m here … don’t worry”. 
There was a kind of challenge between me and him. Martina is not in my faculty, but in my faculty there was a girl I liked very much, Anna, when I saw that guy approaching me I almost instinctively hugged her and she said to me: “What are you doing?” After a couple of weeks like this and after some discomfort with Martina for stupid reasons, I decided to talk with that guy and tell him to leave me alone. One day at the end of classes I stop him because I wanted to get to some sort of settlement, I ask him to talk, we go to public gardens, given the time there were few people. 
I tell him he must leave me alone and he looks at me and tells me: “What have I done to you?” I don’t know what to say … I tell him: “You don’t have to tease me! Do you understand?” He says to me: “I would never do it” … I tell him: “And do you remember what you said to me that day?” He replies: “Ah, ok, that you’re a nice guy … “. I ask him: “Are you gay?” He replies: “Yes”. I reply in turn with a lot of determination: “Not me! And I don’t care about you! I’ve got a girlfriend and I’m fine with her!” He says, “So where’s the problem?” As I spoke I watched him. 
He was not a flashy guy but he was sweet … I wanted to touch him, he had very nice hands … and an incredible smile. I smile at him in turn and say to him: “Do you think a gay and a straight can be friends?” He replies yes with his head and smiles. We talked a bit, then we exchanged cell phone numbers and we said goodbye. I was happy with how things had gone. I liked that guy. I said to myself: “But it’s really a nice guy …” and immediately afterwards I thought: “What the hell I’m going to think …”. 
In the evening I thought to tell everything to Martina because otherwise I seemed to betray her trust. I did it and she replied: “What have you done!?” I told her: “But look, I didn’t go to bed with him …”, she looked at me with a sense of repulsion and said: “My God! Are you gay too? … no! it’s impossible!” I then felt 100% straight, I hugged her, etc. etc. but I did it only to show that I was not gay, in the end she melted and I was happy: for me that was the first time I made love because I had to make it … but she didn’t notice it. 
The next day I see Mark at the university, he accompanies me with the car, I tell him that the night before I made love with my girlfriend and that it was beautiful, he looks at me and says: “I envy you … to me nothing like this has ever happened … “. I asked him and he told me about himself. No sexual experiences! He says that he really tried with me because I inspired him a lot, he says that I have not disappointed him and that having a real friend is beautiful, even if he is straight because maybe some straight guys understand you more than gays. The speech strikes me a lot and I decide to tell him the truth. I tell him: “What I told you is not true … yesterday I made love with my girlfriend but I did it by force, to show her that I’m not gay, because I told her about you and she reproached me and told me that if I want to be your friend I’m gay too …”. 
Talking with Mark was reassuring because he tended to say that I could only be straight, but I had several doubts on my mind and then I liked Mark physically, so, only on an aesthetic level. We say goodbye. In the evening I had to see Martina, I call her and tell her I’m not fine, she’s perplexed and tells me: “But is it perhaps for the story of that guy?” I say “No!”. Inside of me I knew it was not true. The next day I see Mark who takes me back home in the car. 
When we are near my home he stops and we start talking. I get excited, it was the first time I had an erection just by being in the car near Mark. I was very embarrassed, I made a shield with the raincoat and I went down the car … He didn’t notice anything. I said to myself: “Damn! So that’s true! … But I don’t love him, I know almost nothing about him, this is just gay attraction without love and then I don’t want to be gay, it makes no sense that I can be gay, I cannot psychologically depend on Mark … “. 
But while I was doing all this reasoning, I had him always before my eyes and not only, the erection didn’t  show signs of decline … in short, I masturbate thinking of him, then I think I should be worried, anguished … but no! No way! In my mind there was only the idea that it was beautiful and that he would like being with me and that he had never said nonsense about my previous hetero life. 
The next day I see him and I tell him how things went, I expect his enthusiastic response and instead he is very cautious, he is happy but tells me something that I never would have expected: “Luke, I love you, but it’s not a game, you don’t have to prove anything to me, I love you even if you’re straight, I love you as a person because you treated me with respect and because gay or straight I fell in love with you, but you don’t have to go wrong you have to do always and only what you spontaneously feel you have to do … “. The only gesture he did was of tenderness he took my hand and hold it very tightly between his. Everything started like this.
___________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-fear-of-being-gay

GAY ONLY WHEN I MASTURBATE

Hello Project, it is very difficult for me to write this letter but I read many things you wrote and I think you can give me a serious answer. I am a 22 years old guy, I feel realized under many profiles: study, friends, etc., people tell me I’m a nice guy, I think about the average, I have a girlfriend for three years and I have a sexual life with her, we make love more or less every week, things work in the sense that I’ve never had erection problems or anything like that. I don’t take the initiative, I expect her to do it, so I feel at ease, now it has been happening this way for years. At the beginning there was a lot of the curiosity about the sex itself or rather the letting go because in fact it was she who fell in love with me, I felt at the center of her attention and her desires and the things went on by themselves even if I never felt a real sexual desire, that is, when we were away from each other for a long time, I missed her company, I missed her intimacy, but not sex as such. 
But after reading your posts, I confess that I have had several doubts because, even if in fact I never considered it an important thing, in practice since always, when I masturbate I imagine sexual situations involving “even” guys and lately it is as if that “even” had become essential. In my fantasies there are women but, let’s say so, they are always less fundamental, it is as if they were an excuse that allows me to be in sexual situations with other guys and, in fact, the thing that excites me most in these fantasies is just that climate of complicity that is created with the other guys, a bit the idea of doing something sexual together, of doing it with a girl, but of doing it with other guys, as if the thing done only with the girl lost meaning. 
It happened to me about a month ago to dream of a similar situation, that is to dream of being together with a guy talking about sex (sex done with girls) but for me the important thing was to hear that guy talking about sex, it was an exciting thing up to orgasm and I noticed that orgasm arrived thinking of the guy and not of the girl. 
In the days after the dream, which shocked me a lot, I started to masturbate thinking exclusively of a guy and it was really spontaneous, it was not a test, but with my girlfriend nothing has changed, I haven’t had sexual problems with her even if I didn’t tell her anything about the dream or masturbation thinking about a guy.
On the other hand, even before, in my fantasies there were some guys even though always, so to speak, the strictly sexual content was focused or at least seemed focused entirely on the girl. In short, with my girlfriend nothing has changed, but inside me something has changed, I cannot deny it, I told myself that in the end I could also be bisexual and that it wouldn’t be a tragedy, but the fact remains that I have never fallen in love with a guy, at least until now, and I cannot imagine myself exchanging tenderness with a guy as I do with my girlfriend. That is, it is as if now I was bisexual, or rather I was gay but only when I masturbate. 
I play sports since I was a kid, I often see other naked guys but this doesn’t make me any effect, now I see those things without any sexual halo and I’m just indifferent. I have many friends with whom I feel very free in behavior but they all are straight and basically I think I’m straight too and I never had sexual fantasies of any kind about my male friends (but not even about my female friends) sometimes I think that in sexual matters I need someone to take the initiative as happened with my girlfriend and I think I would go after easily. I don’t have the vocation of the conqueror but of the conquered, even if I’m 100% male. 
If I have an affective desire about guys it is to be courted by a guy, to become the center of his attention, I think that in a similar situation I would also end up melting up completely . . . or maybe not, I don’t know. But can you be gay only in masturbation? It’s important, of course, but I don’t think it’s enough, that is, in the end you have to fall in love with a guy. Maybe it has not happened to me yet and it’s just a matter of time, but I don’t know what to think, I don’t know whether I want it to happen or not, because if it happens I would find myself in terrible embarrassment with my girlfriend who knows nothing about these things and maybe it is good that she doesn’t know them. I absolutely don’t think about looking for gay environments and just sending you this mail requires me to overcome a terrible embarrassment. I’m waiting for your response. If you want, publish the email, because I have kept on the generic and then you can publish it. 
Sando
 
Comment by Telemachus
Very interesting reflections by this guy. Let’s say that all of us have asked ourselves these questions. But if there is something that has caught my attention is the tranquillity with which this guy is facing his doubts and his questions. Usually the issues related to sexuality and affectivity are accompanied by a high and unhealthy load of anxiety and despair, combined with the rush to self-define in some way just to get out of the limbo of uncertainty. 
Here, however, this guy seems to have a solid and appreciable starting point, that is a considerable dose of serenity with which to relate to these reflections, combined with the awareness of having to look at sexuality as one, but not the only space of realization of the person. So the attitude of the guy in his mail makes me feel a good impression, because apart from a bit of understandable amazement and fear of these news that have obviously affected him, he doesn’t seem to be carried away by drama or fears or existential concerns that wouldn’t do anything else but unnecessarily confuse his introspection and the fixed points to which he can arrive. 
On the other hand, these reflections are important but also abstract: one can ask a thousand questions on how he can formally circumscribe his own feelings, but there will always be that gap between such reflections and the concrete relationships with others that prevents to be able to proclaim definitive rules on oneself.
In my opinion, finally you can say “I’m gay” or “I’m straight” or “I’m bisexual” or “I’m gay only when I masturbate” etc. etc. this is not so fundamental. As much as it can be rewarding to find a “frame” in which to insert your sexual orientation (and I admit that such an “introspective result” can actually be satisfactory because it allows you to file a doubt perhaps with relief but also with all due simplifications of the case), we must not forget that it will have its own meaning only if it will be carried out in relation to a particular person who becomes too special for us to allow us to take care of general and abstract reflections.
 
Comment by Project.
I start from what Telemachus says, which I basically agree with. I often talk to guys who are approaching the idea of being gay step by step and who remain with a thousand doubts in mind until they have their first true gay love story. Many, I would say most, like Sando, come to the awareness of being gay after passing through the awareness of not being wholly heterosexual, precisely through the dichotomy between the couple sexuality that remains hetero even if it is not lived in a very engaging way and masturbation that gradually assumes increasingly marked gay connotations. 
I must say that this path affects the vast majority of that 30/35% of gays who have had a straight sex life and is essentially a rather typical picture. Actually, in the case of Sando, none of the classic complications that accompany this process is present and here we have to open a parenthesis. Sexuality, all sexuality, even the hetero one, can only really be experienced without problems when there is an adequate solid background from the emotional point of view and a consistent measure of self-esteem. I had the opportunity to talk privately with Sando and I can say that he has a very nice relationship with his parents and among other things he was lucky to have parents who love each other and has seen a serious emotional attitude between them since childhood. 
Sando grew up peaceful, without absurd taboo and at 22 has a maturity that many don’t even reach at 40. A bit it’s his merit but in large part it’s due to his family that created a favorable environment. Speaking with him I could understand that the family probably would not cause him any problem due to his being gay and that his father must have realized that the story with his girlfriend is not really an overwhelming love for Sando, and did him understand that if the story were to end he would not be astonished. Probably the father doesn’t suspect that his son can be gay nevertheless he often repeats: “in those things you have to do always and only what you feel without caring about what others think!” 
Starting from the assumption that there were no pressures of any kind on the part of family members or forms of parents’ intrusion with attempts to institutionalize and channel the relationship with the girl towards a marriage solution, Sando felt essentially free to follow his drive, which is something of great value. 
At the moment he is not able to evaluate, let’s say so, the completeness of his being gay because he lacks the fundamental element of living a true gay relationship, and the fear, from what I can understand, is not that this relationship arrives, but it is precisely the fear that this relationship may not arrive. And this is precisely why Sando is uncertain about leaving the girl. I add one thing. Sando tried to read up and understand very seriously what it means to be gay and has a very serious and realistic idea of homosexuality, in essence he feels it like something that belongs to him, but is afraid that the jump that will lead him to a shared love story  can never be accomplished, because the social environment in which he lives certainly does not favor it.  
In practice in his being gay he would have the support of the family but only in private and for him to live a gay relationship with an absolutely minimal visibility would be very risky. He is currently very busy in his studies and is projected towards the idea of moving far away from his region and living and working in a big city, even if for all this it will take years. I think he is following the right path and I really hope he can find what he wants. Come on Sando!! 
 
Comment by Pavloss 
The reflection of the guy is interesting for me too. If on the one hand it reminds me of my past, in which I began to understand myself, on the other it reminds me of the difference with him: I understood, yes, but with a lot of anxiety, an anxiety from which I slowly liberated over time. Reflection suggests that there is a “given” nature in the human being, a psychological-affective-sexual nature that emerges slowly, in front of the environmental solicitations and the circumstances of life. 
The person tries to be fully himself but he don’t succeed immediately; it takes time to discover the “design” that is written within himself, so that all vital centers are activated and present in the human consciousness. This implies an evidence: it is not the idea of oneself that prevails and precedes one’s own nature, but it is the latter that can give us a rather precise idea of what we are, slowly over time. 
Often the idea of oneself with which one wants at all costs to conform one’s nature, creates dramas, tensions, feelings of guilt: “I must be in a certain way and I am not as I would like!” These are things I have known and certainly I was not the only one to follow this twisted path that can be summarized in the (im)moral saying: “We must be as we think otherwise we end up thinking as we are.” Idealism that violates nature. On the other hand, when nature is allowed to speak, things are different. The important thing is that this guy can find a way to positively expand his reality, building himself as a mature and responsible person in a true and rewarding relationship.
__________
If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-only-when-i-masturbate

MARRIED GAY GUYS

This post is dedicated to married gays. I will leave aside all the considerations linked to sexual orientation related to guys who have a straight sex life at the couple level and have a typically gay sex life at the masturbation level, because these considerations have an important meaning only before getting married. I will start here from the situation of married gays, as it showed itself to me through the chats with people living this condition.

The totality (or almost totality) of married gays arrives at the wedding with the full awareness of being gay. These are guys who have been masturbating for years exclusively with gay fantasies, that is, thinking about guys, who often have lived sexual experiences with other guys even after 15/16 years of age and even in adulthood, after 20 years of age, and have considered these experiences as “something that everyone does” (including hetero guys) and therefore not indicative of a gay orientation, even if in reality the involvement of a gay guy in a group masturbation session is very different from that of a straight guy. All this, ignoring seemingly minor episodes, such as experiencing erection in the presence of certain guys or the desire to see them naked in the locker rooms of gyms or swimming pools.

The pressure towards heterosexuality (conscious or unconscious) exerted by the environment on these guys has been so strong as to bring them to stop their gay instincts at the level of masturbation and to orient themselves at the same time towards a couple heterosexual sex.

Generally when a guy who suffered a strong social pressure towards heterosexuality, despite his being gay, that is even though oriented in his free sexuality (which manifests itself in masturbation) towards other guys, experiences for the first time a sexual intercourse with a girl his reaction is not necessarily bad at all and, whatever the level of sexual involvement in the contact with the girl (even minimal) is, that sexual intercourse becomes the typical sign that “the gay problem is overcome”. A gay man is a gay man, not an impotent and, especially when he has lived for years in a situation of substantial sexual deprivation, if he is close to a girl in love with him, in a situation that pushes him to a heterosexual intercourse that has at least some features of intimacy and non-superficial warmth, can very well get to have a heterosexual intercourse somehow satisfying. It is clear that such a intercourse has nothing to do with the expression of the free sexuality of that guy who, even feeling terribly guilty, will continue “episodically” to masturbate thinking about guys, or will eventually completely repress his free sexuality forcing himself to put aside masturbation altogether in the belief that masturbation is the cause of the homosexuality.

The first straight intercourses of a gay guy lead him to the idea of having finally overcome the “gay phase” and to have found a “mature sexuality”. Often, for these guys, the fear that gay impulses will forcefully return to be felt is a push to intensify heterosexual intercourses and to go to marriage quickly. It’s the typical idea: “You saved me from homosexuality”, or: “If I get married and can have sex with her every day I will not think about masturbation and my gay impulses will disappear”. Often, therefore, gay guys who go to the marriage, experience periods of intense heterosexual activity, which however are characterized by a deep sense of ambiguity because in almost all cases, these guys, even making love every day with their girls (or with their young wives, if they have already married them) never talk with their mates about their sexual orientation problems. With wives, in principle, at least for some years after marriage, gay husbands do not even mention the problem of homosexuality, there is therefore no real interpersonal communication between husband and wife, who have daily sexual contacts but without an adequate level of trust and mutual communication.

In a percentage of cases around 10%, the guys talk to the girls openly about their doubts of being homosexuals, doubts that are automatically underestimated by girls, who having a straight sexuality are led to think that their boyfriends, by the simple fact that they have sex with them, can only be straight. Generally, a girl is more afraid of her boyfriend’s infidelity with another girl than of the fact that her boyfriend is gay. In some cases the girl thinks she can sexually reorient her boyfriend towards an exclusive heterosexuality by “sexually cuddling” her boyfriend exasperatedly, what results usually in a very quick and clear reaction of rejection. These attitudes as “Red Cross nurse of love” are lived by the guys as aggressive and not respectful towards them.

In the situations described above, the girl still remains convinced of the substantial heterosexuality of the guy but, in some cases at least (rare but not sporadic) the girl has instead full awareness of the fact that her partner is gay and she accepts him as such, that is, the girl, who is really in love with her boyfriend, consciously agrees to stay close to him without any sexual contact or with a sexual contact limited only to the purpose of conception of children, children who may also be explicitly desired by the guy. These attitudes that have something heroic (in a sense at least) are linked to the fact that the solitude of each of the two spouses with respect to the outside is so strong that they must bind each other with a kind of very close symbiosis in order to survive.

It should be emphasized that when a hug is too tight and too long-lasting it risks taking your breath away. In situations like the one described, mutual dependence is very strong and is felt as a bond that sooner or later ends up becoming constrictive. There are couples, and I have known some, who consciously married only to have children, and there are cases (and I have seen some examples) in which a heterosexual wife helps her gay husband to live like a gay man, an attitude in which the boundaries between pleasure and suffering are very fragile. In all these cases, however (about 15-20% of the total married gays) between husband and wife there is still a frank dialog and at least a relationship of friendship and mutual respect. When a gay guy marries a straight girl and they have no children the problems connected to the possible separation are above all of social and patrimonial nature.

Often a gay guy agrees to be with a girl by excluding in his mind the hypothesis of having children and when he realizes that this hypothesis for his wife is essential, the marriage becomes a kind of imposition for him. When there are children the problem of the relationship of a gay married with his homosexuality is extremely more delicate. The emergence of a homosexual tendency is experienced by a gay man who has children as something that can jeopardize the relationship with the children and the feelings of guilt can be very profound. I met a 49-year-old gentleman a few months ago, who had never had a conscious perception of his homosexuality (an exception in the field of married gays), he had a son more than 20 years old but nevertheless he realized that he had a sexual interest for a work colleague. When this gentleman contacted me in his words I felt a deep anguish, due to the fact that he had never suspected he could be gay and was scared of such idea, because his knowledge of gays derived only from reading newspapers and from attitudes typical of the mass media. This gentleman, whom I had the opportunity to hear several times, sincerely loved his wife and son and came to speak openly with both his wife and his son who accepted it and, paradoxically, this form of sincerity has strengthened family ties. That gentleman agreed to live his sexuality as a very private thing exclusively in terms of masturbation and fantasy, totally giving up the idea of looking for a mate and as people say in such situations of “making a new life”.

The solution may seem like a compromise solution to gays who have not been married and who have never had a heterosexual satisfactory family life, but for that gentleman radical choices would have involved a violent cut with the previous life and would have had very little prospect of leading to realization of a new life with another man.

In most cases, however, the family situations of married gays are quite different and much heavier. The lack of sincerity on the problem of homosexuality involves the establishment of a series of formal relationships and under them a series of conflicts, affective life becomes over time a sort of recitation or due act. With his wife, if she requires a frequent sexual intimacy, a married gay ends up pretending, which usually involves many problems, such as the lack of erection that can worry the wife but doesn’t worry her husband who knows that during masturbation with gay fantasies erection is all right. These problems touch the sphere of sexual intimacy of the couple and can be disruptive. Generally, at first a married gay guy tries to repress his homosexuality but over time this attempt is useless and the illusion of heterosexuality turns into a fiction of heterosexuality. The gay impulses are strengthened as the relationship with the wife deteriorates.

It is only right that I explicitly break a spear in favor of the wives who are often completely unaware of the true motivation of the deterioration of the relationship with their husbands and who live, also themselves, really difficult moments. Basically, even if their husbands acted in good faith or did not really realize what they would do with marriage, these women were misled about the true sexual identity of their husbands, who, moreover, were also confused about the matter. The fact remains that at a certain point, a woman who has married a gay man without being aware of it, understands that relations with her husband are substantially frozen, sexual intercourses are completely absent, dialogue is completely lacking, at least on important issues, and marriage is in crisis. When there are children the problem becomes difficult to manage, because in case of separation there is the problem of the entrustment that creates further conflicts between husband and wife which are often resolved in court.

How does he live his sexuality a gay married who has passed the phase (which in many cases doesn’t even exist) of the illusion of being heterosexual? Here the answers are the most varied:

1) The husband accustomed to sexual repression up to play the part of the heterosexual, limits himself to live a gay sexuality in terms of masturbation and porn sites found on the Internet. Such situations are, at most, compatible with the preservation of marriage, at least on a formal level, where there are children, because the external aspect of the family doesn’t change. Often this is the state of affairs to which things stop. The husbands can get to forums like Gay Project or other serious gay sites and simply look for friendships with other gays, often married too, in chat and at a distance. This solution allows a married gay to find a safety valve that puts him in a position to talk openly about his problems and also to find serious answers. It is obviously a compromise solution, but in situations such as those in which a gay married and with children lives it is a situation that is in many respects acceptable, since in most cases we are speaking about men who are no longer young and are totally lacking knowledge about the true life of gays. It should be borne in mind that for a non-young man the chances of finding a “serious” companion (that is, not the one-night experience [risk of aids!]) are not very high and moreover few gay men would be available to build an affective, stable and serious relationship with a man who has a family, has children and therefore has a number of other very strong emotional bonds.

2) If the husband thinks he has to regain lost time looking for a companion with whom to live his affectivity and his sexuality, and the husband is still thirty or so, he can experience situations similar to those of the so-called “frenetic phase” of sexuality of those who discover themselves gay or finally release their gay sexuality at a fully adult age. These guys are not content to masturbate looking at a porn site but sign up for erotic chats and dating sites, giving credit to the idea that the problem of finding a partner is actually a problem that can be solved easily “with a little effort”. Through the chat they get to sexual encounters, often even at risk of AIDS, because a user of dating sites can also have over 100 different partners in a year! Apart from the risk of AIDS, occasional sexual encounters generate feelings of disgust and frustration after the first times. However, it does not follow a rationalization of the behaviors but only the repetition of other attempts with other partners. I emphasize that in these situations the emotional dimension, which is essential in a gay’s emotional and sexual life, is practically completely absent. After a little practice of erotic chats and dating sites, a depressive phase takes place that depending on age can be more or less heavy.

3) There is however a third path followed by married gays towards their gay identity, and it is a path that can only be done in two. I state that the concrete realization of this third way, which is that of “loving friendship”, is not the result of an individual initiative, but is connected to the idea of being already really in two, that there is an “original affective couple reciprocity” and that a real relationship of affectionate friendship already exists, on which an explicit sexual dimension can also be inserted. Given that married gays who end up in a marriage crisis are not very young and are not only undeclared as gay but are declared as hetero, for them the idea of living their sexuality and their affectivity in a strictly private dimension is fundamental. In dating sites and erotic chats there are often people who don’t have too many problems to declare themselves gay, to go to gay clubs and to be seen around with mates clearly gay. Such things are very embarrassing for a married gay, for whom therefore the option of the amorous friendship remains substantially the most desirable. If that friendship is lived with great discretion, it allows the marriage to be maintained at least on a formal level and in some cases even the wives are not in principle opposed to such solutions that allow a stable relationship between the gay father and the children, avoiding putting their emotional growth at risk. I saw, in about 30% of cases, the development of a loving friendship between a married gay and a friend of his, also gay and undeclared. These relationships, even if they occur between fully adult men, have the freshness and genuineness of the first affective contacts between adolescents, allow the two partners to live a deep affective dimension and to integrate sexuality with moments of non-sexual intimacy, linked to totally sincere dialogue and openness and to mutual trust without restrictions, all things that have an enormous value and help not to trivialize sexual intercourse.

For the moment I stop here. I await further input from readers to be able to broaden and deepen the discussion. I would like to point out that the statistical sites show the constant presence of readers who use on the Google search engine keys to Gay Project as “married gays”. The problem exists and it is not statistically irrelevant as usually believed.

__________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-married-gay-guys

I DISCOVERED I WAS GAY AT THE AGE OF 30

Hi Project,

First of all I have to thank you for last night, I can guarantee you that I was very impressed, I didn’t imagine similar things, I had understood that it was a serious thing and I also realized that it should have a true sense, but I didn’t think things could happen like the ones you made me read. It was not the first time I was trying to get closer to gay environments but I was very suspicious because my previous experiences had been disappointing.

Of course it is almost unbelievable that one wakes up 30 years old and starts so late to see things that are obvious but the removal was so strong that, as I told you, I came a step away from the marriage, then, fortunately I asked myself what I was doing and the world collapsed on me. I have been mad for everyone, from my girlfriend to my parents, I don’t tell how her parents reacted, but now the worst moment of the storm after the breakdown of the marriage hypothesis has passed. To my ex I couldn’t, or maybe not wanted to explain anything, I’ve exploited her for years, it’s true, but I didn’t realize it. She felt betrayed, I know, but I would never be able to explain how things really are, because it’s ugly to say, but I often thought that she would marry me, even if between us there was no real transport, neither sexual nor emotional, just to find an accommodation, it could seem bad and perhaps I’m looking for a justification, but that’s what I think.

When my parents learned that I would not be married, they thought everything but the right thing. Neither my father nor my mother have the slightest suspicion that I can be gay and I think this is good, because the atmosphere is already strange but if they knew that I’m gay it would be difficult to live together. I still live with them but I have a stable job not bad and I could also go to stay on my own, but we are in the same city, a small city, and going to live in another house would not give me more privacy, I should really change city, but this would mean changing job.

It seems very strange to me when I walk down the street, turn around to look at a guy, because I’m not used to it, I’ve always avoided doing it, almost on principle, I know it’s a stupid thing but that’s what happened for years and years, then I’m rediscovering the pleasures of sex (not the couple sex) and it begins to seem to me like a simple thing, I would say completely natural, which is done because it’s pleasant and you leave the thoughts free to go where they want, and it seems strange to me that for many years I have had so many problems with these things.

When I visit porn sites I mostly look for photos of nice guys in very spontaneous attitudes and I think the guys are just a beautiful thing, maybe the most beautiful thing that nature has created and I imagine how it would be to know a guy exactly how I dream of him, how it would be to embrace him knowing that he wants it, in short, being with a guy like me, that is, who thinks the same things, who desires the same things, who immediately understands what I want to say.

When I was with my girlfriend I didn’t feel uncomfortable, even if she didn’t love me in the true sense of the word (and how could she?) Somehow she loved me but I felt that being with her was not what I really wanted and I was wondering how could so many other guys find sex so engaging, now I understand it and I find it engaging too, but the gay sex, but then I considered my gay impulses a kind of private perversion that must be repressed because it’s obvious that it’s wrong.

I miss so much to know other gay guys, not those of pride but of those like me, who may have also passed through straight experiences or even not, but gay guys with whom I can talk freely. Last night I felt strange because we talked about sexuality, that is gay sexuality, and I thought I would never have succeeded. I don’t hide that I was also affected by the fact of being too big to still have these problems, I told myself that at twenty, ok, it’s possible, but at 30, it’s impossible, I felt immature. There are many gay guys like me … it’s true, in fact it’s obvious, but I had always removed the idea of making the big jump and trying to understand what is “really” on the other side of the wall. I begin to think that on the other side of the wall there is a very normal world of real guys who live or try to live as they can, that is, in the best way with respect to the situation around them, which unfortunately doesn’t encourage gays.

The Gay Project environment is actually very different from the classic gay environments. I happened to be a bit on the chat, and a guy who had launched a sexual proposal was immediately kicked, just in two seconds time. This fact struck me a lot, I didn’t talk in the chat and I didn’t respond to the greeting because I didn’t want to talk but I followed the conversation and it was very far from those of other gay chats, then I decided to send you the mail, well, I didn’t even expect an answer, but you answered less than half an hour later and after an hour we were on msn. I must say that I was impressed by the whole tone of the conversation, very simple and very direct. We talked all night and I apologize for it, but it was worth it. Now, if I think I’m gay, I feel less strange, it doesn’t seem to me like a perversion, it really struck me when you said that being gay is a way of loving, it’s true! But I never put it this way.

You made me think about another fundamental thing, that is prevention. Frankly such things can be easily underestimated because one is led to think that are very distant things that can happen only to others, I believe that I will treasure what I learned yesterday when I fall in love with a guy and I hope it would happen soon, because now I begin to see it as something that could also happen even if it still seems to me a distant thing. Me with a boyfriend? Well, such a thing a few months ago would have put me in crisis, but now I think I would very much like it.

You insisted a lot on loving each other and I didn’t expect it, I always saw sex between two guys as something that is done especially for oneself and not as a form of shared tenderness. Project, all right, I don’t do it too long, I think I’ll send you some more mail if you have the patience to answer me. The Project is truly a unique thing!

Andrew N.

__________

If you want, you can participate in the discussion of this post open on the Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-i-discovered-i-was-gay-at-the-age-of-30

COMING OUT: GAY GUYS AND GIRLS AS RED CROSS NURSES

Not infrequently it happens that a gay guy, who has lived for various reasons a hetero or pseudo-hetero life, finds himself, at some point, deeply embarrassed with his girlfriend, who notices something strange in the behavior of the guy and arrives to guess that her partner is gay. The girl demands clarity and the guy, in one way, struggles to break the relationship and for the other is very reluctant to come out with his girlfriend. Some girls, once they realize that their partner is gay, think it’s good to push him to come out to let him live his life more freely. 
These two issues are illustrated in the following document. On March 14th, 2008, a woman writes to Gay Project from an Islamic country, claiming that if a girl notices that her boyfriend is gay, she has the right to know how things really are and claiming also that not to speak clearly on the part of the guy, it is a dishonest act towards his partner. The girl would also like to “help” her partner causing him to come out at least partially. This is the text of the email: 
“Anonymous said. . . I just discovered this blog, I feel it’s serious and I liked it, and I write because of my boyfriend. I have serious doubts about whether he is gay but repressed, so he does not even admit it to himself, and I would like to understand it, I would like to understand.
In your blog I didn’t find any reference to this fact: how to help a man of extremely rigid and rational character, 37 years old, to let him find out if this (homosexuality) is his true nature? That is, how to help him come out in the open. I have to underline that we are not in Italy but in an Islamic country, where the traditional family is sacred and many gays take refuge in marriage to save appearances, or hide in a hamam, or in bars reserved for men only.  
I have read the comments of women in your blog and I appreciate their sensitivity, and also yours in reserving a space for their stories. A woman feels, perceives and understands when something is wrong. . . And if she feels love, she will always try to help. But I do it also for another reason: if there is a lie, I want to know. In the blog you talk about gay morality/immorality, but in the end it is a question of clarity and honesty towards those who are close, whether men or women, if they are no longer the person of our dreams. Forgive me if I remain in anonymity, but I think maybe my question is too difficult and perhaps will not find an answer. Thank you . . . March 14, 2008 22.24″.
 
ANSWER: Dear Friend, I try to answer what you ask. First of all I will divide the answer into two parts, one on the causes of gay repression and the other on the “what to do” in particular by a woman, towards her boyfriend.
 
REPRESSION
 
1) PERSECUTION OF GAYS
Human sexuality is an expression of individual freedom and personal freedom in sexual matters can be repressed in many ways, some of them constitute real forms of systematic persecution and we can even go so far as to apply the death penalty to the present day. Iranian President Ahmadinejad told speaking at a Columbia University conference that there are no gays in Iran as in Western countries. A declaration of this kind is self-commented. In those conditions the level of repression is such that no one declares himself homosexual and marriage for gay guys is the rule. 
Out of respect for people who are forced to live in similar situations I would never say that they are “gay repressed” but that they are “gay persecuted” and that any behavior that tends to hide their sexual identity is fully justified, even that in the face of wives. It is not about lies but about survival instinct.
 
2) SOCIAL INTOLERANCE TOWARDS GAYS
In many countries, even Islamic, however, there is a slow evolution that, if it does not really promote the free expression of a gay culture, doesn’t criminalize the very fact of being gay. In situations like this (like the one concerning the country from which you contacted me) there are no “legal persecutions of gays” but the public opinion is still a thousand miles far from showing tolerance towards them. In these cases we can speak of a real social intolerance towards homosexuality. Situations of social intolerance towards gays are not only manifested in Islamic countries but also in Europe, where social structures are still closed and linked to traditional values. 
A push to attitudes of closure, if not homophobia, comes from the Catholic Church and there are still, even in Italy, many situations in which I would certainly not recommend a gay guy to speak openly about his sexual orientation. In Italy, in some rare cases, thanks to a very traditional family education, there are still gay guys repressed enough to marry, in the belief that they have overcome their homosexuality. The variability of the framework of social intolerance towards gays is such that it makes no real sense to try to classify the possible coming out behaviors. 
But I must stress that in some situations the cost of coming out can be very high. I have seen gay guys forced to emigrate because they would not have found work in their countries and would have been hindered in the most varied ways. In any case, the coming out risk assessment is exclusively up to those who have to put it into practice. This is a very personal choice, like that of marriage, which cannot be conditioned by any request for clarity, from whoever it comes, for the simple fact that the consequences of coming out, under the regime of social intolerance, are all and only of the person that comes out. I answer directly to the specific question: “and the girlfriend of one of these guys (if there is one)?” The girlfriend (if there is one) can go his own way but must remember that the coming out is not addressed to her but it is an act very personal and risky on the part of the guy. 
I saw with my own eyes situations of authentic moral lynching as a result of gossip unleashed by confidences thoughtlessly entrusted to friends by a girl who had received the coming out of her boyfriend. I emphasize another thing that may not be pleasing to women in love with gay guys, a gay guy can have a real interest in declaring himself to another guy that he thinks is gay to create the conditions for a possible couple bond, in that case the risk has an objective justification, in the case of the coming out towards a girl, however, the risk does not correspond to any possible benefit, especially if the relationship with that girl was built exclusively for the purpose of saving appearances. It is up to the guy, after carefully assessing the risk levels, to choose if, possibly, to come out in front of his girlfriend, but I wouldn’t absolutely consider this type of coming out as an obligation and omitting it like a lie.
  
3) FAMILY INTOLERANCE TOWARDS GAYS
The most common and the most insidious form of repression of gays, both in Islamic countries and in Europe is the family one. Persecutory behaviors and social intolerance generally are clearly perceived and are recognized as such, while family intolerance is gradually absorbed step by step, it is essentially a poison of freedom that tends to extinguish it from the beginning. The lack of freedom is clearly felt when moving from a regime of freedom to one of absence of freedom or when confronting scenarios of freedom and scenarios of repression, but when one grows up in a repressive environment and when one receives information from a single source one also has no awareness of the existence of a possible freedom and repression becomes a deeply internalized mental habit lived as a natural and spontaneous thing. 
Such models have also characterized European culture until the advent of the internet. Even today, in Europe, a guy will never receive a serious sex education at school and even more so will never receive the correct information about homosexuality (just think that sex education is often delegated to priests and teachers of religion who, given the a priori condemnation of homosexuality on the part of the Church, are certainly not the best sources of information about gay life). Even today, in Europe, a guy will hardly have the opportunity to talk about sex with his parents and less than ever will have the opportunity to talk to them about homosexuality. Until a few decades ago, the only information on homosexuality could be found on a few serious books that a guy would have had difficulty buying and he would have to carefully hide. 
The weight of family intolerance is progressively decreasing, especially among younger guys, thanks to the Internet, which in recent times has begun to spread a model of homosexuality as normality that is slowly gaining momentum. The word “gay” itself, until twenty years ago practically a taboo for right-thinking guys, is now in common use and the implications of ridicule or irony are gradually disappearing. Where there is no internet, or internet is not free, however, the situation is still as it was in Italy 30 years ago. The cases in which family intolerance leads gay guys to feel themselves heterosexual, at least in Europe, today are limited to situations in which a guy is automatically induced to forms of uninhibited heterosexuality at an extremely early age, in such cases a very young guy can make the first hetero experiences, which can have an anaesthetizing value for years but, I want to underline that these guys do not tell lies to their girls, they feel substantially straight. Also in this case, therefore, I would not speak of lies or deception.
 
THE GIRL HELPS THE GUY TO ACCEPT HIMSELF AS A GAY
The expression “Red Cross nurses” (in Italian Crocerossine) in the gay world is used with two distinct meanings:
– “hetero Red Cross nurse” to indicate a straight girl who, knowing that her boyfriend is gay, puts in mind that she is able to make the guy straight just through the classic means of female seduction,
– “gay Red Cross nurse” to indicate a straight girl who, suspecting that her boyfriend is gay thinks she can “help” him to be gay, pushing him to come out.
Several times on the Gay Project forum the expression “Red Cross nurses” has been used very appropriately to define girls who want to help their boyfriends to accept themselves as gay.
I briefly summarize the terms of the question. A girl who realizes that her boyfriend is gay, if she wants to do a good thing, has to let him go on his way. Every attempt to “help” is seen by the gay guy as an undue interference or even as a form of violence, while it’s useful to the girl to feel like a good girl.
In the case of the e-mail from which this post has taken the cue, with a 37-year-old guy, in conditions of strong environmental stress, demanding clarity is basically a form of violence. If there is something that girls emotionally involved with gay guys can do, it is always and in any case to leave to their partners the maximum freedom and don’t expect anything. 
Between accepting and understanding there is a huge difference, love, at any level, is acceptance, those looking for an explanation are not able to accept unconditionally. To answer with the utmost clarity: if a girl realizes that her partner is gay, she has to leave him to himself avoiding to conceive any projects of any kind on him that, even under the appearance of the best intentions, risk hiding a predatory attitude. I realize that our reader will not like an answer like this but, for the experience that I have of the gay world, I know for sure that the gay guys don’t like Red Cross nurses.
____________
If you like, you can join the discussion on this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-coming-out-gay-guys-and-girls-as-red-cross-nurses

GAY GUYS WHO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

Hello Project,
I feel a little embarrassed to send you an email but the doubts are so many and I have to try to find answers because I don’t know who to turn to.
 
I’m 16 and a half years old. For more than a year I started to have doubts about my sexual orientation. I’m not afraid of being gay and if I’m gay I do not think I would have big problems with my family. My parents love me, probably nothing would change.
 
I started to masturbate at 13 and discovered masturbation by myself, without anyone’s suggestions. I did very little to understand that it was sex and that I was sexually developed. Before, for me, sexuality didn’t even exist, or rather there was sympathy for other guys and girls, but I didn’t really know what genital sexuality was.
 
At first, masturbation was just a pleasant physical fact, an interesting discovery by which I felt even more adult, but there was no real bond with sexual fantasies. Just a while later, between 14 and 15, came true sexual fantasies, and were all related to a guy, my teammate with whom I was training two afternoons a week.
 
At that time I played sports, although with many limits and went to the gym with a group of other guys and a coach. We had spaces and times dedicated to us, because we were still too young and were not allowed to enter the locker rooms when the gym was crowded by adults. In the locker room however we were alone, the coach was almost never there, but things were quick and I had never had sex fantasies of any kind, but, as I said, from 14 and a half, fantasies have come and with these also embarrassment because I was always about to get a hard-on and had to make great efforts to control it.
 
The gym has become a very important thing for me, I counted down the time missing to the next training and my masturbations were all related to what I saw in the locker room.
 
But then doubts have begun. I saw that the other guys took things completely differently, without any embarrassment and without any real interest. I quickly understood that what happened to me meant that I was gay.
 
In the beginning, this thing disturbed me a bit, but then, in a few days, I told myself that it had nothing to do with pathology and I overcome the problem. I have to say that I’ve learned at home the idea that being gay is not a disease, I learned it from my parents who have gay friends and defend their friends from stupid gossip of various kinds. Obviously from this point of view I was lucky. In practice, I realized I was gay and it did not make me any problem.
 
In a sense, my story matches the classic proceedings of gay recognition and acceptation described in your book.
 
When I was 15 years old, however, I found myself in situations that I had never taken into account. A girl, my schoolmate, began to show interest in me and I was grateful for it, not just because having a girl put me in a more adult position with my friends, but because with that girl I was fine, it was nice to talk to her.
 
She called me on the phone and we talked for hours, we joked about everything, we often went out together in the afternoon, me and her, without other people, in short I also started to have sexual reactions. I got hard-ons when she leaned on me, when she caressed my hand, and so on, slowly, but I must say, also pleasantly, we came to kiss each other, what I never imagined before.
 
The kisses were not bad, the hugs still better, so much that I started thinking that maybe I was falling in love with that girl, but something didn’t fit: I, gay, in love with a girl? Or maybe I was not gay? Now I keep going out with that girl and she calls me on the phone every day, I keep on getting hard-ons when we kiss or there’s a little direct physical contact, which is very common now. I tried to masturbate sexually thinking about that girl but the results were disappointing and then did some other doubts start.
 
In fact, that girl doesn’t attract me sexually, sometimes I think in a few years, I might also have a sexual relationship with her, but that’s what I think in theory because I never made sexual fantasies about her. It seems a disagreeable behavior, but I see her in the early afternoon and she, or probably the situation, excites me a bit, then later in the afternoon I go to the gym and when I come back home I masturbate always and only thinking of the guys I see in the gym, however, Project, I react sexually even with the girl and this should not happen, or maybe I didn’t understand how these things work.
 
My friends don’t react at all sexually with the boys, that is, they don’t react in situations that are very exciting for me. If I understand, a gay should not react with a girl, or maybe I’m a bit bisexual? This would create some problems because I could not have a really satisfying couple life.
 
Then there are a number of questions I would like to ask you:
(1) Do you think I should try with a girl?
(2) Do you think I am at least a bit bisexual?
(3) Do you think I hurt that girl staying with her because perhaps I deceive her?
 
I look forward to your answers, I would also like to know what the boys of the forum think.
Thanks. Manuel
 _________
 
Hello Manuel, I’m not a doctor nor a psychologist but I deal with gay people for many years. You know that there are also gay guys who get married and have children, these guys have a heterosexual life with their wives that might seem normal, and often the wives are not even aware of having a gay husband. This means that a gay may well have sex with a woman and can even do it habitually. Being gay is not a question related to what is objectively done within a couple relationship, being gay is a matter of desire.
 
There are married gay men who have never had any sexual contact with a man and live a heterosexual life that has all the appearance of normality, but those married gays have a masturbation totally related to gay sexual fantasies. The object of their spontaneous sexual desire are not the wives but the guys who populate their sexual fantasies.
 
When couple sex behaviors are typically heterosexual but coexist with masturbation with exclusively gay fantasies, the true spontaneous sexual orientation is gay. Here bisexuality has nothing to do; a bisexual experiences real forms of sexual and emotional love, both for boys and girls. Keep in mind that of course a guy can really get a hard-on because he is in a situation of very strong intimacy with a girl, but when these experiences are soon forgotten and masturbation remains with gay fantasies, heterosexuality is a very unlikely hypothesis.
 
(1) Should you try with a girlfriend? So, in general, there is nothing that “must” be done and the only sensible behaviors are the spontaneous ones. If going with a girl is the fruit of a decision, that is, a way to test yourself, a test to evaluate your reactions when facing that girl, we are already out of the field of true sexuality. I would say that the very use of the verb “try” indicates that it is essentially a test that would be depressing both for you and for your girlfriend.
 
(2) I would exclude at all that you are bisexual, in your post there is nothing suggesting bisexuality.
 
(3) As to the fact that you are deluding that girl, I think it’s a fairly realistic hypothesis. There are girls who cultivate male friendships without any sexual purpose and have gay friends with whom they fully agree, but it is certainly not the general rule. And then the relationship you have with that girl does not have the typical features of a friendship. Frankly, I think she is very likely to consider you as her boyfriend and to expect you to behave sooner or later coherently with that role. I understand that the company of that girl may be pleasing, but your relationship might be based on a misunderstanding, and if so, it would be better to speak clearly, if possible, or keep away not to fuel further illusions.
Project
__________
If you like, you can participate in the discussion of this post on Gay Project Forum: http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-gay-guys-who-have-a-girlfriend